XFM Vault - S01E03 Transcript

ricky: Sum 41 and "In Too Deep". If you're listening now you're in too deep, it's The Ricky Gervais Show - run for the hills! Ha ha ha, noo...

steve: Ha ha, ohh classic.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: With Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah, whose birthday it is today. Yeah. So what if someone had never listened before and they heard that link?

ricky: They're thinking-

steve: Man alive.

ricky: -"great, it's proper radio at last".

steve: Yeah, ohh…

ricky: Xfm 104.9, just gone five past one. Steve, do you want some great music today?

steve: I'd love to hear some great music.

ricky: Well I've brought in some good stuff. I've brought in Oasis, we've got Radiohead-

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: -I've got some Dre, I've got some Elbow, I've got some Jimmy Webb-

steve: Oh, yeah.

ricky: I'm looking forward to that. You know, we're keeping it real.

steve: Oh absolutely.

ricky: I've got Charlatans, I've got Nirvana.

steve: Ha, any Sade?

ricky: There's no Sade.

steve: Is there not? That's a shame.

ricky: No, but I've been looking through the library and I have found 4 Non Blondes-

steve: Brilliant-

ricky: -from yesteryear.

steve: -looking forward to that later Rick.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: It was- Karl, it was you that worked out the maths and worked out I was 28. Cause they've just worked out I'm 27.

ricky: You are 27.

karl: No way.

steve: Yeah I tol- I asked you, didn't I? And I said-

karl: Yeah, because- no but what I questioned was, I said well if you're 27 today, that means last week you were 26.

steve: Well, well done, yeah. That's irrelevant- so therefore you assumed that I must be 28 then.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Whereas I assumed you were using, you know, your knowledge of maths, such as it is.

karl: No, I wouldn't do that.

steve: No, sure, sure.

ricky: Wow. I actually got lost in that conversation, cause I genuinely didn't know what he meant with "would mean last week you were 26." I don't know what that meant.

steve: I don't know what it meant.

ricky: Wow! Well it is Steve's birthday, and-

karl: He would have been 26 last week.

ricky: Ah-

ricky: Sometimes you genuinely frighten me, because it's those staring eyes, there's nothing behind them. It's this little bald head, looks like Davros looking at me. Genuine, just genuine fear on his face when he enters into a conversation with another human being.

karl: But, what bit don't you understand? If he's 27 today, he would have been 26 last week, and he doesn't look 26. He didn't look 26 last week, he looks older than 28 today.

ricky: You've started on him- on his birthday, still having a go at him on his birth-

steve: Karl, I don't look like the hot stud that I actually am, but face facts, that's the truth mate.

ricky: Yeah, live with it. Live with it!

steve: Get with it. Get with the programme, jeez.

ricky: Well erm, let's have a little bit of Cake.

steve: OK l- oh-ho, that's appropriate on a birthday!

ricky: See what I did.

steve: Oh you mean the band don't you? Not the cake- you haven't actually bought a cake, have you?

ricky: No.

steve: Got anything at all, or?

ricky: No.

ricky: Cake, "Short Skirt, Long Jacket", sort of a fashion... sort of-

steve: Sure.

ricky: -single, innit?

steve: Yes. Yes.

ricky: Oh I got- ooh, I just remembered something, right?

steve: Go on.

ricky: Thinking about short skirt, long jacket. Once I was watching daytime TV, I was unemployed, it was- it was the early days of, you know, mid-80s. And err-

steve: Who was hosting?

ricky: It was sort of like one of those Eamonn Holmes and someone, or- you know like Richard & Judy but you know, not as good, not as-

steve: Mm.

ricky: And err, in the link she went "well after the break, Leo Sayer's popping in to tell us about clothes for the shorter man."

ricky: I stayed tuned, he came on, he went-

steve: Leo Sayer?

ricky: Yeah. He went "wear a short jacket".

steve: Why wear a short jacket?

ricky: Optical illusion. You're going, "well that jacket, it couldn't be a foot long, cause that'd be mad. So it's two-foot long, so he's six foot."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I'm looking at him there, I look at him- "Don't get too close, just look at the jacket." "How tall are you Leo?" "Well, work it out"-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -"this jacket's presumably about… isn't it, yeah?" "Yeah, course it is, yeah". Yeah.

steve: "But Leo, you're famously quite a short man- in fact I saw you on TV talking about cloths for the shorter man."

ricky: "No, but look at the jacket, from there." "Yep, you must be about six foot."

ricky: So he had to walk round, looking like a bull-fighter, just for this illusion at like, 50 paces.

steve: What's the other thing about stripes? Is it-

ricky: Yeah, yeah, horizontal stripes widen you.

steve: Make you look fatter.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: So good advice there, good fashion advice for anyone listening.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9.

steve: Leo Sayer there offering some top- we should get Leo in, maybe offer some new stuff.

ricky: For your birthday, a little special Leo Sayer visit for your birthday.

steve: Lovely, beautiful.

ricky: Any presents yet? Got any-

steve: I've received nothing yet. But my parents haven't come up, and they're the ones who normally bring gifts.

ricky: Oh yeah, yeah?

steve: They are coming up later, and I always look forward to my father's gifts-

ricky: Yeah?

steve: -um, because they are… remarkable.

steve: He- I don't know what he's thinking sometimes. I don't- it's like, I don't understand the logic. I mean if I explain some of the gifts he's bought in the past-

ricky: Go on.

steve: -maybe you could figure out. I once opened- I think I was about 14-

ricky: Right.

steve: -and, um, I liked all the stuff you like at 14, you know- the ladies, obviously, pop music-

ricky: Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

steve: -you know, fashion-

ricky: Yeah!

steve: -and that's why, I assume that's why he bought me on audio cassette, the collected wartime speeches of Sir Winston Churchill.

ricky: It's a good gift. Did you listen to 'em?

steve: Well, I'm not sure when you'd ever be in the mood to listen to that, to be honest. "We'll fight you on the beaches"-

ricky: Yep.

steve: -you know, all that.

ricky: All the classics, all the classic hits.

steve: I think- unless you're under attack-

steve: I don't think you'd ever listen to that, to be honest.

ricky: Did you not even listen to it?

steve: I kind of started- but when are you gonna be in the mood to put that on?

ricky: No, but just cause it was a gift.

steve: But I always remember being once, this was true, I-

ricky: But what if he tests you and goes, "do you like track 4?" "Oh 'some chicken, some neck', oh I love that dad." Yeah, yeah. "I'm thinking of doing a remix".

steve: But he said to me once, he said to me: "Never forget, son."

ricky: Ha, he didn't!

steve: Yeah, and I went "I don't remember, Dad!"

steve: It was mad, and it was like- cause he was quite into sort of- but he was into the military and all that, and war history and stuff, so he-

ricky: Oh, are you allowed to tell an anecdote about your dad on the radio? Can I just give you a clue, just in case- can you tell the thing about the shed?

steve: No.

ricky: OK, alright.

steve: No, no, no, no, no, too complicated. Too long and complicated.

ricky: Alright, alright, OK.

steve: But I always remember- this was true, I had it on once, cause I just stuck it on, cause I thought I ought to. And my dad came in, and he was pleased to see I was listening to it, and we just stood there listening. And I always remember my sister coming in, with one of her quite attractive friends, teenage friends, and I'm a teenager as well, and there's this woman walking by, and she goes to the same school or whatever, and quite- quite fit. And I'm just stood there with my father, listening to "We'll fight them on the beaches", "Never in the field of human conflict have so many…" and just remember her looking as she passes-

ricky: You’ve learnt it, see it's rubbed off. You know-

steve: Oh yeah, yeah. Oh Rick, if you're ever in a war situation and you need some morale, come to me!

ricky: Yeah? You'll just-

steve: I'll sort you right out.

ricky: What about, a little bit of White Stripes.

steve: I've got some more gifts that I can tell you about afterwards.

ricky: Well, I'm looking forward to it.

ricky: Oasis, "Morning Glory", before that White Stripes, "Hotel Yorba". Oasis, of course, got in the- have you been watching that VH1 top hundred albums of all time?

steve: I have indeed, I've enjoyed it.

ricky: Yeah, number 1- do you remember what number 1 was?

steve: Uhh, "Joshua Tree" - U2.

ricky: Yeah… now, good album.

steve: It's not the greatest album ever, is it?

ricky: Of all time.

steve: I mean, I know it's an arbitrary list, but even so…

ricky: Yeah. You sort of feel comfortable with it being the Beatles, or Marvin Gaye or-

steve: Exactly, or even "Pet Sounds" or whatever-

ricky: -"Pet Sounds." Exactly! Yeah... maybe it's a generation shift, there's enough people now-

steve: But it was sort of- what I found odd in the list was, it started off with- I think it was like the Doors, I remember there was Velvet Underground and stuff, you know those respected album classics, and then there were things like, you know, "Stars", Simply Red. I mean it was a big seller, and it's well produced and whatever, but an odd choice for the greatest albums ever. And then I remember there were things like that Texas album-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -is it "White on Blond" or whatever it was? And I just think- again, is it just based on albums that have sold well via the Britannia Music Club?

ricky: But that's always the thing isn't it? It's sorta like any poll- I remember I think it was last year, the greatest lyrics of all time. 1 was "Imagine" by John Lennon, which is- you know, if anything's going to get that-

steve: It's a solid classic.

ricky: And there was maybe like Dylan or another Beatles one or somat. And- two in the top five were Robbie Williams songs.

steve: Robbie Williams songs?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: One of the worst lyricists ever.

ricky: Well, not the worst, just-

steve: Just a collection of words.

ricky: Yeah, well annoying, yeah. And it was that thing, err… [Ricky mumbles the lyrics to Robbie Williams' "Strong"] "A maa ner ner, a thousand fags, ler ler ler mer dad, sner sner, take you to the bridge."

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Ohh, post-modern sort of... Yeah, but that's just a reflection of the sheer weight at the moment, isn't it? So it's always going to be four of all time, and then the biggest thing that year, you know.

steve: I suppose so.

ricky: That’s why Coldplay and Travis are getting in. They're good, but I mean- I don't think they'll be at the same position next year.

steve: No. Yeah, yeah.

ricky: I think it- d'you know what I mean? Yeah.

steve: But it's just- I get frustrated with those lists, because I just- they always seem so arbitrary.

ricky: I think we've forgotten we're on the radio.

steve: Have we?

ricky: Cause that was a pretty boring link, wasn't it? Cause we're just talking like we're alone.

steve: A lot of people probably haven't even seen the VH1 show.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Not interested in the least.

ricky: Are we losing it? Are we- you know what I mean?

steve: Listen, I'll be honest with you, Rick. It's my birthday today, and last night I went out, I got a little bit wasted.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I'm quite hung-over this morning, and I didn't get to bed before 11-

steve: -right? So it's like...

ricky: I had a little bit too much to drink last night.

steve: No, I was pretty wild last night. In actual fact, and I have to say, I went...

ricky: God knows how many units I had.

steve: I went to the Monarch, in Camden-

ricky: Oh Monarch, yeah yeah.

steve: There was some kind of groovy night on. I went to the door, I'd got a load of mates with me, I said umm, "Any discount for Xfm DJs?"

ricky: You didn't really?

steve: I did, I did-

ricky: Ohhh…

steve: -I was a bit drunk. He went, "who are you?" I went "Steve Merchant, Ricky Gervais." He went "Steve Merchant? Brilliant, you can come in for free"-

ricky: No he didn't!

steve: Yes he did, I swear to god. And I said what about my mates? He said "it's five pounds, they can have a pound off." He said "but," and I think basically-

ricky: Why did you say that?!

steve: Basically Rick, I think I also agreed that you'd DJ there.

ricky: Ricky bursts out laughing

steve: I can't remember. But if the guy is listening, he could maybe let me know if I promised that. I might've signed something, I can't remember.

ricky: Oh, god. Oh no.

steve: But anyway, it was a good night.

ricky: This is like one of those 50s sitcoms when- yeah, yeah. "You sold my soul to an angel".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Oh, "how am I going to get out of this?"

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: So anyway, if you go down to the Monarch, maybe next week, Ricky Gervais playing! That'll be fun.

ricky: Well, that was Elbow, and "Red", off "Asleep in the Back"- I love that.

steve: Great song.

ricky: It's got sort of early Peter Gabriel, that's wonderful. Well, we were talking about your birthday and everything-

steve: Yes.

ricky: -and presents. And then I found out I'd been signed up to DJ at a-

steve: Yes, looking forward to that.

ricky: -club in Camden. To get you in to a-

steve: I got in for free, my friends got in one pound off.

ricky: I love th… I was just, when the record was playing there, I said to Steve, "why did you do that? Why did you try and get in free?” He went, "impress my mates". Now, how impressive is it that Steve Merchant can get you in a place for a quid off?

steve: Ha-ho-ho!

ricky: "Wanna save money? Go with Steve, if they recognise him, or have heard the show, you get a quid off!" That is great.

steve: I'm a quality discount.

ricky: I don't know what you like more though. Cause I know you, and I think it wasn't just the acclaim-

steve: Mm.

ricky: -it was the pound off you liked.

steve: The money off was exciting to me.

ricky: That was great.

steve: Any discount would have been fine.

ricky: I imagine you made 'em all buy you a drink, for the-

steve: Several.

ricky: -you know, to the value of a pound.

steve: Yeah, it ended up costing them a lot more.

ricky: Yeah, exactly.

steve: Have I ever- this is probably the most embarrassing of those entrance stories.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I was down in South London once, went down to some party that was taking place in some swanky bar, where there was a doorman on the front, and a charge. I think it was something mental like a tenner to go in- it was crazy, it was ludicrous. I don't know what I was doing down there. And I was in the queue-

ricky: OK, and we'll establish what you mean by swanky later, cause that could be Angus Steakhouse.

steve: And um, it was- oh it was a posh place.

ricky: Was it?

steve: So there's a queue outside, and there was one of these doormen who thought it was like Studio 54. He was like, sort of choosing people who could come in- "yeah, you two come in now", you know and I'd been there for ages, obviously.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: I was on my own, cause I got there late.

ricky: In your kagoul and clogs-

steve: Exactly.

ricky: -you thought "I've dressed up for this.”

steve: And there were these two girls next to me, and I'm thinking- I've told you before, if I'm in a queue and I'm stuck with two girls, I'm thinking [Steve snaps his fingers] what a great opportunity, you know. Use the old "Merchant charm".

ricky: Pickpocket?

steve: Hehe, yeah!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I'm there, and I'm thinking- I'm sort of, I give them a nod or whatever, and a wink.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They're loving it.

ricky: Yeah- they've moved to the back!

steve: They're putty in my hands Rick, as you can imagine.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And I thought, to really seal this off I'll get us in. Like, I'll skip the queue. So the guy's coming along, he's picking people off, the doorman. And I just grabbed him like that, and I said it so everyone could hear, right — and I thought this was brilliant — I said to him "how much is it?" He went, "10 quid." I went "I'll give you seven". That was my bribe- "I'll give you seven". That's a whole three pounds- no, that can't be right.

ricky: No.

steve: No, he must've said a fiver, and I said I'll give you seven.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That makes more sense.

ricky: Yeah, that's giving him a two pound incentive.

steve: Yeah, a two pound incentive.

ricky: As opposed to "I'll give you seven, you make up the ten?"

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "If you let me in you can put in three yourself, mate." That never works, does it.

steve: He said to me-

steve: He said to me- umm, ahh… I can't be bothered. I'm just going to have a kip, I think.

steve: I'm so tired.

ricky: Was it percentages that put you off in that anecdote?

steve: That frazzled me initially.

ricky: I mean it's a funny anecdote when you're giving him two pounds, it's even funnier when you're getting him to put up.

steve: When he's paying me as well.

ricky: Oh, I love it. Right, we're going to play a record, then we're really going to concentrate. Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show.

steve: Steve Merchant's also involved.

steve: Oh, can I go to bed now?

ricky: Ohhh no.

announcer: Hello, this is Tony Blackburn. It's the time of year when I like to help somebody far less fortunate, or dare I say talented, than myself. I'm talking of course about Christian O'Connell's breakfast show. You've heard it, it needs all the help it can get, doesn't it? So this Christmas, help a London breakfast show. I won't, cause I actually don't give a toss. But you crackheads might.

ricky: Cypress Hill, "Superstar". Still to come, we've got such great bands as New Order, Ash, Nirvana, Radiohead. Song for the Lovers, at about two o'clock, is a beautiful song by Jimmy Webb, Steve.

steve: Lovely, looking forward to it.

ricky: Now, it's Steve's birthday, it's Xfm 104.9. He's 27.

steve: Yes.

ricky: We're both a little bit hungover.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Now, every link we've started hasn't really, sort of-

steve: It's not really come to fruition, if I'm being honest.

ricky: No, nothing's happened.

steve: I mean sometimes they're just all out, kind of- there's just blunders in them.

ricky: Or like this one, we've already run aground.

steve: Run out of steam.

ricky: Yeah. I think it might be a mixture of, like, we've been on this station for a while, and we're losing the will-

steve: Ehhhhh bored. Bored.

ricky: -to live. But we're going to buck up our ideas.

steve: Can I just ask a quick question?

ricky: I said "buck" up by the way, just in case-

steve: Can I just ask a quick question though, because-

ricky: -someone's listening, do you want to complain? You ffff...

steve: -my birthday today, and therefore last night I went out, and that's my excuse for being a little bit tired and a little bit hungover.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What's your excuse? Cause you didn't come out.

ricky: No, I know. I was-

steve: I mean, you were conscious you had the show today, what were you doing? Staying at home just drinking?

ricky: Yeah. I had a couple, me and Jane went to say goodbye to someone.

steve: What time did you go to bed?

ricky: About one.

steve: Well that's stupid.

steve: But what I'm saying is, it's your name all over the show. I'm a nobody, I've got no reputation-

ricky: Yeah. Although-

steve: -thankfully.

ricky: -you can get quid off in most clubs in Camden.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: I think, just drop- if anyone out there, if you're like tall, sort of… I know it's your birthday, but I've got to do a description, this is purely, this is nothing nasty. If you're a lanky sort of geek, umm, and you know, you can do a Wurzel accent, then maybe you can pretend to be Steve Merchant, and get in, quid off. Is that alright?

steve: Ha, that's fine Rick.

ricky: Yeah. No, cause some people would take that as a personal-

steve: As offensive, sure.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, we were talking about- shall we play a rec- is that link too long already, before we actually got to somat?

steve: I'm already bored, personally.

ricky: Come on, we've got to get to something, got to do something.

steve: Karl, why don't you contribute something, you're being silent.

ricky: Now that is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

steve: It really is, isn't it?

ricky: We're in trouble. Oh no, oh we're failing- who can we bring on that's sure-fire, always delivers-

steve: Audio dynamite.

ricky: -snappy, yeah! Karl!

steve: The big guns!

ricky: Come on, Karl.

karl: I was just thinking, there is nobody else who looks like Steve.

ricky: He's done ya!

steve: That's outrageous! Although, to be honest with you, that insult has resurrected things.

ricky: Yeah, well done. Play a little tune.

karl: Alright.

ricky: And then we'll come back-

steve: Ohh, I've got a little sniffle as well. I think-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -a cold or something could be coming on.

ricky: Bit late there Karl, you should have come in a bit earlier there. Suede there, ermm.

steve: What I like is the complete lack of professionalism on our part. It's like we've got a bit of a headache, little bit tired, just- that's it then.

ricky: You can't fight that. You can't fight that.

steve: I love- I mean the thing is, as you well know Rick, there are certain DJs on this station, you know- drunkards, there's at least two I know of who are smack heads.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And they still manage to do a good show.

ricky: But even the ones that aren't, that try their best are rubbish.

steve: That's true enough, I'm not saying we're still not the best.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I mean it's effortless for us Rick, as you know.

ricky: I know, yeah, yeah.

steve: We're coming up with dynamite stuff here-

ricky: Yeah, I know.

steve: -and we're not even, fighting on all cylinders.

ricky: Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant-

steve: Hi.

ricky: -little bit hungover.

steve: Mm, mm.

ricky: We all are, but he can't really take it, he's a little-

steve: Light weight. There is ermm- tickets to give away, Rick. I don't know if we should mention that.

ricky: What, who is it for?

steve: Joe Strummer.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: And his band the Mescaleros, play Brixton Academy, we think this evening. Ha ha, err a little bit more information would probably be useful.

ricky: So go along, just in case.

ricky: If you say you're Steve Merchant, pound off.

steve: Well the doors are at seven o'clock, and its £17.50, unless you've won the competition, Rick, that I'm about to set, and won yourself a pair of tickets. There is someone in America celebrating a birthday today, OK. Same day as me.

ricky: Yeah- more than one. I think-

steve: No, but there's a specific one I'm thinking of, right?

ricky: Go on.

steve: His name, Rick, is Dwight Schultz, OK.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: If you know the answer, obviously don't give it away. His name's Dwight Schultz, he's an actor.

ricky: Yep.

steve: He was particularly big in the 80s-

ricky: Yep.

steve: -and he's also celebrating a birthday today.

ricky: You're going to say what's his name.

steve: I'm going to say, what character was he best known as? What TV character is he best known as? And you can win yourself some tickets for Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros at the Brixton Academy.

ricky: Dwight Schultz?

steve: American, actor, TV character of the 80s, very famous.

ricky: Oh yeah? I see Christian's giving away a trip to Salem, Massachusetts.

steve: That's bizarre, actually, cause I was in America recently, and I went to Salem, Massachusetts, and that's not a prize.

ricky: Innit?

steve: Believe me. I mean, we were there, we were obliged to go, cause we were at someone's birthday, it's rubbish!

ricky: Really?

steve: I mean, that's a really poor trip, that's such a boring place to go.

ricky: He probably can't believe his luck, it's probably the biggest thing Christian's ever had to give away-

steve: Well the great thing about-

ricky: -and you've just dissed it.

steve: The great thing about Salem, Massachusetts is that it's-

ricky: I don't think we're good for this station. I don't think we're selling this station like we should.

steve: Well, you know, it's its own fault, you know. It shouldn't have hired us. I blame it, you know.

ricky: Yeah, and paid us in advance.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They're lucky we turn up.

steve: No, I went to Salem, Massachusetts, and this is the place that's famous from "Salem's Lot" and, the Salem witch hunts, famously, and-

ricky: Err err, famous for all things "Salem"-

steve: Salem, yeah.

ricky: Anything with "Salem" in the title, that's what it's famous for.

steve: But the whole place has gone mad over witches and-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -anything, basically it was like there was the Salem witch hunts, in like 17-something or other or 16-something or other-

ricky: Yep.

steve: -so the whole place now is just full of people dressed like witches.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And then it's like any supernatural stuff, so I went in, and it was amazing. It's quite expensive going-

ricky: Like a Glastonbury tent.

steve: Yeah, it's like, it's awful, every single place there, every single shop, is kind of horror-related.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I went to the "Boris Karloff World of Terror". It's amazing. You went in there, right, I don't know if Boris, the famous horror actor has actually been involved, but you go in there, you walk in the door, you've got to out these 3D glasses on, right, and it's supposed to be this chilling journey round this sort of crypt, you know. And you put these glasses on, and I couldn't tell- they were so poor, I couldn't tell what was supposed to be a 3D effect and what was actually three dimensional.

ricky: Really?

steve: So I couldn't tell if the floor was actually sloped, or if it just appeared to be, whether the wall was actually knobbly or whether it was the 3D glasses. And it literally took about 45 seconds to get through it.

ricky: Imagine that.

steve: And you just come out blinking into the light again. It was rubbish!

ricky: So you- I just want to throw this over to Karl. So there's Steve Merchant, with funny glasses on in this place, of horror, and he's walking round-

karl: Mmm.

ricky: -do you think he scared people, Karl? I've set this question up, haven't I? I've loaded the question haven't I?

steve: I know the answer you're fishing for.

steve: Karl, do you just want to have a dig at me? Cause it's coming up to two o'clock, and you've not really put a lot of effort in today, slagging me off.

karl: I don't do it on purpose.

steve: Go for it man, go for it.

ricky: No, he doesn't do it on purpose, he's just an honest Northerner, and he can't lie, he's like George Washington, but without the wooden teeth...

steve: Yeah Salem, ermm...I didn't mean to say.

ricky: We've lost it again, haven't we?! - You didn't mean to say Salem!

steve: Rick, I didn't mean to say Salem.

ricky: This is such bad radio.

steve: That was just the word that was...

ricky: This is really, I mean this is genuinely bad radio.

steve: It's awful radio.

ricky: Quick, oh yeah, my mate went to one of those things, erm erm, in the West End where it's aliens, and they jump out at you, and he was so scared, that when it jumped out, he ripped a bit of it's face off.

steve: What the alien's face off?

ricky: Yeah, it was foam, and the bloke went "Don't do that, mate".

steve: Brilliant. Well in the Salem one I was wandering round, and there was this one guy who kept jumping out, and because there was about 10 of us, and I was at the back, I always missed him jumping out, so when I got round, I'd missed all the frights! It was ludicrous, you'd have thought he would jump out then double round and jump out again

ricky: Yeah. "Everyone at the back catch that?"

steve: Ohh, if you want to win those tickets, Dwight Schultz, who is he better known as?

ricky: Yeah, Basement Jaxx there, keeping it real, Where’s Your Head At...

steve: Where is your head at?

ricky: Yeah, I know what they're saying, they're saying "Where's your head at?"

steve: Where is your head at?

ricky: Yeah, Xfm 104.9.

steve: Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Now...

steve: Just one thing I want to say, Rick, is that I've spoken to a few people who've listened to the show, and a lot of people, you know, this is the highlight of their week, it really is, no, a lot of bed-bound people, and, you know.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And we're not really putting the effort in are we? We’re providing nothing.

ricky: We're trying, but it's just not coming out right.

steve: The words just aren't coming out - when I say them in my mind, they're brilliant.

ricky: But it's sort of like getting old, you know, I still want to run up stairs, and things, but I just...no, get the lift. I'd like to run up stairs, I just can't anymore. I thought that today - the comedy's in there, the interesting things, it's all in the head, and it has to go via the mouth, and it's just not working for me, but it is your birthday, you're 27, Happy Birthday.

steve: Thanks.

ricky: Can I tell you about one of the best presents I ever had? Without a doubt, all I ever wanted was a go-kart, this is true, I was about, like, 5, 6, 7, and I eventually, for Christmas, ermm, I wasn't spoilt in the sense that I got pocket money, but I always got what I wanted at Christmas eventually, 'cos, you know, working class mothers, they'd get it out of the catalogue, and pay for it for the rest of the year, so, I got, really, as many presents as anyone else, and I got this go-kart, it was a little red go-kart, and it was a pedal one, and I'd run home from school, and I'd be in it, and I'd be up and down the garden for hours, and I'd have to come in for my tea, and this was fantastic, and this went on for, like, weeks and weeks and weeks, through the summer, through the next summer, and it was just a fantastic go-kart, and I'd show off, and err, then one day I came home - and it was always at the back of the shed, up against the shed - and I went in and I couldn't see it, and so I went to the back door - my mum was like washing up and that, and I went "Where's my go-kart?", I thought, it hasn't been nicked, she went "Your Dad swapped it".

steve: Your Dad swapped it?

ricky: Yeah, I went... "He what?", and I was going to be brave, I went "He what?", she went "He swapped it for a wheelbarrow", and I could see she didn't approve of this, and she was thinking "I'm going to tell him, and then I'm going to, you know, have this out". And I went "Right", she went "It's your wheelbarrow", and I went to the back of the shed, and there was this wheelbarrow, he swapped it with a bloke called Jimmy Dublin, who he worked with.

steve: Jimmy Dublin.

ricky: Yeah, I don't know...

steve: I bet he was a respectable member of the community.

ricky: He was fine, no, this is libel...no I think he was an Irish gentleman.

steve: You surprise me.

ricky: That's why, I don't know what his real name was, and I think my dad must have been drunk, and he went "I want to get my son a go-kart", and my dad was "well, my kid's got one, he's probably had it for a year, he's probably bored with it".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he said "ah, I'll give you this wheelbarrow", and I went to this wheelbarrow, and it was caked in concrete, I could hardly lift it - just nicked off a building site, obviously.

ricky: And I'd be there for hours, trying to push this wheelbarrow, up and down the garden, right, and it was ok though, 'cos I was going on holiday soon, and I, seven years running, went to Bognor Regis, place called Riverside, 'cos some woman round the way had a caravan, that we got free for a week, and, it was great, wonderful, and, I used to go there with my Mum and my Nan.

steve: Oh party time!

ricky: Yeah ha ha. Age of 7, no it was good, because you know when you're a kid, and you wake up in a strange place it sort of seems weird. You wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning to hear your Nan pissing in an iron bucket, and you know.

steve: We've all been there.

ricky: And you get disorientated...anyway, and I went on holiday, and I met a little friend, who's about my age, we're both sort of like 8, and he'd hired a go-kart, and he came round, he came round to my caravan...I went "I've got a go-kart", and my Mum, I remember my Mum opening the window of the caravan, and going "Don't lie".

steve: That’s so evil.

ricky: And I went "I had a go-kart, I had a go-kart".

steve: Wow.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Did you ever talk to your father about the fact that he swapped it?

ricky: No.

steve: You never mentioned it to him?

ricky: No no.

steve: Have you still got that wheelbarrow?

ricky: I think so, I've grown into it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I can nearly lift it now ,now I'm just too old to run up and down the garden with it.

steve: Yeah, now you get one of your several gardeners to use it all the time.

ricky: Dre there, Doctor Dre.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Bad Intentions. Well, it's...ooh do you want to give the winners of the competition?

steve: The winners, yes, tickets for Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros, playing at Brixton Academy this evening, we have some lucky winners, the question I set was - someone else famous is celebrating a birthday today.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't mean someone else famous like I'm famous, and someone else is famous.

ricky: You could probably get in to the Monarch.

steve: Well, pound off at least, and err I said, which actor, Dwight Schultz...no I didn't I said, which character did-

ricky: Started off well, didn't it.

steve: It started off so well. Which character did Dwight Schultz play, what made him famous, in the 80s, he's celebrating his birthday today, don't know how old he is, probably in his 60s.

ricky: He's not in his 60s.

steve: The character he played, of course, was Howling Mad Murdoch, from the A-Team.

ricky: We did accept Murdoch.

steve: I was watching an A Team on UK Gold the other day, 'cos I always, like to have something so I can talk to Camfield whenever I meet him-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -and the thing about Howling Mad Murdoch is that his madness is one of those convenient type of madnesses where he's not, kind of, depressive, where he's trying to kill himself, or he's schizophrenic, or he's unreliable, he's just a bit eccentric.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: His madness is largely "I'll do some funny voices".

ricky: You couldn't have Howling "Slightly Off The Wall" Murdoch though, could you?

steve: No.

ricky: It didn't have the edge.

steve: But it's rubbish, its rubbish madness it's...

ricky: Or Howling Wacky Murdoch.

steve: Well, that's what he is, he's wacky.

ricky: Howling Annoying Student Murdoch, I think he should have been called.

steve: Anyway, the winners, Karl, I think you took some answers...

karl: Err, Tim and Neal.

steve: Well done Tim and Neal - are they going together, or are they...?

ricky: No.

karl: No, two separate people.

steve: Lucky people, lucky people.

ricky: I don't think your heart's in it anymore either Karl.

karl: I was alright today, but Steve's really dragged me down.

ricky: Well, let's, let's...

steve: Well, hang on, I just need to know why.

karl: Well do you know like-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: -when people are being miserable around you?

ricky: Yep, yep.

karl: I was full of beans when I came in.

ricky: Yep, yep, yep..

steve: You've got to remember that last week you were really miserable, and that really wound me up

ricky: Yeah, because he was having to do stuff, and he'd been let down, and they were worried about the next show...

steve: But last week you were in a terrible mood, don't look at me like you weren't...

karl: Was only between the songs, I wasn't like going "Ohhh fuh", and lying on the settee, looking ill, and talking in that voice.

ricky: Ohh, he's done you, again.

karl: Just now, being quite friendly...

steve: Karl, Karl, have you ever tried to get into the Monarch for free? 'Cos I'll be honest, mate, it is not going to happen for you. Come out with me, mate, you've got a quid off, alright?

ricky: Ohhh.

steve: When you can get in places in Camden for free?

karl: Yeah, right, yeah.

ricky: Oh, yeah, he's done you. Right, now, it's time for Song for the Lovers. Now this is one of my favourite songs of all time. You'll know this song better done by... that was nearly a sentence Oh come on - that was nearly a sentence, what's his name, Glen Campbell, it's Galveston.

steve: Oh yeah.

ricky: This is the man who wrote it, this is the original, this is Jimmy Webb, with Galveston. From what I can to work out, I think it's about a bloke who goes off to the Vietnam war, and he's missing erm his bird, and err, I've brought it down, haven't I, I've brought it down a tone by saying "bird".

steve: It's a beautiful song.

ricky: It was irony.

steve: Just play it.

ricky: Galveston, it's beautiful...

ricky: Jimmy Webb, with Galveston. Now, I know you enjoy the "Webbmeister".

steve: Love the work - a lot of people will of course be familiar with his sons, the Webb brothers.

ricky: Yeah, very different, quite cool though, I went to see him live, and he was just so cool, like just doing his songs, and telling a little anecdote, he's fantastic, that's my Song For The Lovers, Steve, what have you got for us?

steve: Well, no, I was just going to mention a couple of other gifts that my father got, well, he got me once, I unwrapped once, having professed no interest, ever, in this particular artist, about as much interest as Winston Churchill, err, I once received, lucky me, "The Making of Thriller". It was a video, behind the scenes, on Thriller.

ricky: I know what he thinks though - he thinks "Steve loves to dance".

steve: No, he went "you love music, and you love films".

ricky: No, yeah, and that's a film, yeah.

steve: I mean I've never professed any interest - I don't think it even had Thriller, the actual film, on it, it was just, the making of Thriller, behind the scenes.

ricky: Really?

steve: Michael Jackson, dancing around.

ricky: And John Landis.

steve: Yeah, it was rubbish

ricky: Well, that's not very nice is it - what did you say when you opened it? "Brilliant".

steve: "Brilliant - I love Jackson, I can't wait to watch this - can we watch it now", I said.

ricky: What did he say?

steve: No.

karl: You're so ungrateful, really, 'cos I can't remember a time my Dad bought me anything, it's always me Mam who bought it, and me Dad would give her the money.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You've got Ricky, who's lost his go-kart - you've had a video bought for you, and you're just unhappy. That seems selfish.

steve: It's not so much...I appreciate the fact that there is a gift, I think it's the fact that the gifts are arbitrary, and can be bought in the shop, that's opposite the place he works

ricky: Tell Karl what he got your Mum - listen to this Karl, you'll love this

steve: It's the thought that counts, right, so I suppose if you say that the thought that counts is the fact that he went and got anything at all, that counts, ok, fair enough, but he phoned me up, he said, "What shall I get your mother", right, "It's our 20th wedding anniversary", right, "What shall I get her?", and I said "well I tell you this", this is a great idea I heard from somewhere else, "Why not pay for her to have a makeover", all the sort of treatment ,you know, and the beauty treatment, "she'll love that, then take her out, give her a meal and stuff", and he went "ok, ok, ok". So, he hangs up. I speak to him on the day of my Mum's birthday, I say "What'd you get, what'd you get?", he said "I got something", I said "Did you go for the makeover idea?", he said "Not exactly", I went "What did you do?", he went "I bought her a trowel", a trowel, I went "A trowel?", he went "Yeah, for the garden", I went "It's a trowel - you've been married 20 years, and you got her a trowel", he went "It's stainless steel". I said to him "It's a trowel dad!", and he went "Do you think I should have got it engraved?"

steve: It is mental, and I went down to see them, and I went in the lounge, and literally, imagine it, it wasn't this, but imagine it, he'd bought this trowel, and he's also bought her and industrial sized tin of coffee, you know those big sized ones, you have in like hotels.

ricky: Didn't he say "She loves coffee, Steve"?

steve: "She loves coffee, Steve", he said.

ricky: I love the fact that the whole family could use it, like she's keep it by her bed, like she's in Stalag 13 or something, "This is my coffee".

steve: Imagine, walking into the lounge, right, she's there, she's got the presents that my sister's bought and that, a trowel, is holding a trowel, and a tin of coffee, and me walking in wondering, "I wonder if there's anything that she regrets in her life?"

ricky: Aahhh, that's lovely, "She loves coffee, Steve".

steve: "She loves coffee, Steve."

ricky: Aahh

steve: “She loves the garden.”

ricky: Karl, what's the worst present you've ever had?

karl: You see, we don't really celebrate birthdays in our house.

steve: What?! Where are you from?

ricky: What planet are you...? What do you mean, you don't celebrate birthdays?

steve: Are you here from another world observing?

ricky: Ricky laughs.

steve: Like, trying to blend in, but not quite managing to pull it off

karl: We're just not that fussed about it.

ricky: Right.

karl: Know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Me mum and dad's are on the same day, and I think that just like...

ricky: That’s a bit weird isn't it.

karl: And their anniversary...

ricky: What, they got married on their mutual birthday?

steve: But, Karl, can I just-

ricky: And Christmas.

steve: But Karl, there's a difference between you saying-

ricky: What do you mean their anniversary's on the same day?! Of course it's on the same day!

karl: Yeah, and their birthday's-

steve: But Karl, what I mean is that you say that you don't really celebrate your birthday, but presumably you have received some presents, at some point in your life, from your parents? Or anyone?

karl: Yeah, err...

steve: Well, we'll come back to you later - thanks!

ricky: Yeah, play a record.

steve: Karl, have a think about that, we'll come back to you later - thanks very much.

ricky: Ash, and Sometimes - they've won me over.

steve: They have indeed yeah.

ricky: They've just got better, got to be the band they always wanted to be, I think.

steve: I'd have written them off in the early days, but now...

ricky: Me too Steve, just goes to show

steve: Karl, any thoughts on what gift you've perhaps once received, that you can joke about now...but was tragic at the time? ... No?

karl: No.

steve: Not really put the thought in...

karl: No, as I say, didn't have that many presents, so-

steve: Always thankful for what you got

karl: What I did get I was grateful for.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Rick, would you love to hear from the listeners, if maybe they've received some amusing gifts?

ricky: No.

steve: No, I wouldn't.

ricky: So, what're you doing tonight - are you going out for a little meal with your parents?

steve: Yeah, I though you were coming?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right. Any suggestions as to where we might go? Maybe people would like to phone in, 'cos I've got no idea. It's got to be largely meat based, my family'll only really eat meat.

ricky: Do you know the steak house, near me? It's closed down.

steve: Brilliant - that's one, there's lots more to go. Let's not stop there people, come on.

ricky: I used to look across and think "Is that a bingo hall?"

steve: I know it's so bright.

ricky: "Or somewhere to eat". Yeah, neon, and right at the back they had cocktails - imagine you going in there, with a DJ there going

steve: "Hey, ladies.”

ricky: "Hi", be fanta- go on, Karl's got something to say, I can tell...

karl: No, I just - is there a chance that your dad's like on the way in to London now, and has heard you saying "oh, he got me this, and he got me that", he could be like nipping in to a shop now to buy you a rake, and thought.

ricky: Yeah, just think of that, oh that'd be terrible, wouldn't it, or "The Making of The Bends".

steve: Yeah, he'll probably turn up and say, "I was going to get you a gift, Steve, but then I got high", and we'll all laugh at the cultural reference.

ricky: Yeah, errm, right, this link has run out of steam again.

steve: Yes, but don't worry, 'cos I can salvage it.

ricky: Go on!

steve: Because it's time for "Under the Covers", “Cover Me Up”, oohh, “You Got Me Covered”.

ricky: “Between the Covers”.

steve: “Between the Covers”, “I Like Covers”, cover songs.

ricky: Yeah, "This Was Done By Someone Else"

steve: Yeah, this week I'd like to play, I mean we're all fans of Destiny's Child, Rick, and we're all fans of the song, "Say My Name", but have any of us heard the Scottish band, "Spare Snare", doing their version of it? I suspect not, let's hear it now...

steve: Spare Snare, doing their version of Say My Name, by Destiny's Child, Rick what do you make of it?

ricky: Do you remember "Raw Sex"? That used to be in French and Saunders.

steve: Don't think I do.

ricky: Roland Rivron, yeah.

steve: Basically what it's like.

ricky: It's a bit like that.

steve: Do you think maybe the cover versions section's running out of steam? If that's what we're playing.

ricky: I think we should only ever do 6 weeks a year on radio.

steve: Right.

ricky: And then...

steve: People will remember that, it'll beautifully preserved in their memories

ricky: Yeah, like Benny Hill used to do one show a year, you know what I mean? Imagine how awful it would've been if he'd had to do it every week for two hours, I don't think he'd have been so successful to be honest, Steve, I think even he'd have run out of ideas

steve: Rick, I know that you are tired of coming in every Saturday and doing the show, I know I am, and I suspect many of the listeners are, but maybe we should leave it to the listeners - if they want us off the air, maybe they should email, fax, phone in

ricky: That would be - everything should be like that though, vote whether you want to - like a binary sort, you know, up against someone, like "winner stays on", in pool.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I hate that - "winner stays on", in pool, in pubs, it's just horrible fascist isn't it, you want to play with your mates, you don't want to have to beat a bloke with one tooth, who just plays pool all day.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Costs him nothing, and he has 93 games, of course you're not going to beat him, he's a professional by the end of evening.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Xfm 104.9!

steve: Ohhh Merry Christmas.

ricky: Four Hero, by Les Fleur - great bloke, Les, worked with him in Blackpool, weird, had a very high voice, can't grow a beard, but, yeah - I'm joshing, probably pronounced "lay" Fleur, innit? Yeah, we know all that, we know all that.

steve: Have you noticed all those huge posters, advertising Christian O'Connell's breakfast show? They're all over the place now, they're mainly on the tube, like, you wouldn't know, Gervais.

ricky: No.

steve: What with your driver, and everything, um, imagine if they'd spent the kind of money they must have spent on those, advertising our show.

ricky: I know.

steve: And those people were tuning in, and today's show was what they heard.

ricky: I was actually thinking, right, ermm, 'cos we do care, in a way.

steve: Yeah yeah.

ricky: We couldn't get over it today - just a word to the kids - this is what alcohol can do to you.

steve: It's a sobering lesson.

ricky: Yeah, but I thought, what if this was our first ever attempt at radio, think how gutted we'd be, we'd go "This is...we're not right".

steve: But what worries me is, it's like, in my hangover state, it's like I've woken from a dream, and I've thought to myself, all the stuff we've said today is al the stuff we normally say week in week out, and we think it's brilliant, and it's today we've done it, and it's rubbish, we've seen the truth.

ricky: Oh, oh, oh yeah, it might be, yeah, so alcohol can make...

steve: Just not as interesting, or entertaining as we thought.

ricky: See, yours could be BSE as well though, 'cos I know you're worried about that, 'cos you just ate beef didn't you, for the first fifteen years.

steve: Largely, just beef, yeah.

ricky: Beef, and milk.

steve: Mainly uncooked, it was just, you know, they'd just wheel a cow in, just suckle it from the cow

ricky: Now, we'll get complaints about that.

steve: We will indeed. I always wondered whether Bruno Brookes ever got complaints actually, when he once played Rage Against the Machine, Killing in the Name Of, and he must've dozed off or something, 'cos he didn't realise, all the swearing, you know, "f you I won't do what you tell me", and he just left it playing.

ricky: He probably wasn't listening.

steve: And it was the UK top 40, and it was just-

ricky: Yeah, of course, he probably did get complaints.

karl: Where is he now?

steve: Good point - doing internet radio, which is of course where we'll be next week.

ricky: Yeah, if we buck our ideas up.

steve: Ermm, quick question.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I just realised who Karl looks like – Moby.

ricky: He does.

karl: Not the first person to say that.

steve: Yeah, suddenly just dawned on me then, so if...

ricky: Moby's one of those people that I think, fantastic, every time I see him, everything he says I agree with, he's lovely, and I just can't get into his music, it's bad, I feel that it's like a mate, who you can't say "Oh I'd give it up", I think he's fantastic, and I want to go "Why don't you do something else?".

steve: Mmm mmm ... for more interesting views.

ricky: I bored myself - I bored myself then! This is...

steve: If you've got a pop star that you'd like Ricky Gervais to pass comment on, why not get in touch. What are your views on Rick Witter, from Shed Seven?

ricky: Rick Witter, er, you know, I like their effort, he's quite a, you know, a got a nice hair

steve: What about Chaka Demus and Pliers?

ricky: What was their hit?

steve: Er "Tease me, Tease me, Tease me". Anyway, more of that next time, I'm sure

ricky: Ohhh, that's it

steve: Are we straight to "Song for the Ladies" now?

ricky: Yes

steve: Shall we just get it over with?

ricky: Yeah, let's knock it on the head.

steve: "Song for the Ladies" this week, one of the best tracks on hour of the Bewilderbeast, by Badly Drawn Boy, it's of course Magic in the Air, for the ladies.

ricky: Bye, sorry about that, we'll really be good next week.

steve: Are you going to sing Happy Birthday, or...

ricky: Happy birthday to you, no, we're going to start work on next week's show.

steve: From then on, it'll be year zero.

ricky: Yeah.