XFM Vault - S01E17 Transcript

ricky: Are Freaks Electric, Richard X and the Sugarbabes on Xfm 104.9 Steve.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

steve: Hello.

ricky: Karl, the err producer.

karl: Right.

ricky: 7 minutes past one, of a Saturday, and what a lovely Saturday it is.

steve: It is indeed.

ricky: Well, it looks nice but it's deceptive because I went out, and I just had a t-shirt on and I had me jumper wrapped round me, I got out there and I thought, this is chilly.

ricky: And I had to put on, pop the jumper on.

steve: Ooh no.

ricky: So err, you know just be careful, if you err, you know looking out of the window thinking "oh, I'll go outside", pop a jumper on or, or a jacket because it looks nice, but it is a little bit colder, than it looks.

steve: Rick, can I ask, were you wearing the jumper tied round your waist with a knot, or did you have it over your shoulders maybe like, you'd just jumped off a yacht.

ricky: I popped it round my waist, and I'll tell you why. I tucked my t-shirt in for neatness and comfort.

steve: Lovely.

ricky: But I know, even I know that's a little bit dorky.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So I was trying to hide the belt line.

steve: Ok.

ricky: So err, then I popped the jumper on didn't have to worry about it so.

steve: Did you go with the double knot?

ricky: I didn't, I.

steve: Because that can loosen if you're not careful, specially if you're carrying bags or you're busy on the tube.

ricky: I know, well I wouldn't mind that as long as I didn't lose it, as long as I saw it loosen and fall I’d pick it up.

steve: You'd be so devastated if you lost it.

ricky: And then clean it, not in the err washing machine though.

steve: Go on.

ricky: I’d pop it in a cold wa- soak.

steve: Ok.

ricky: And then leave it out on a few towels or summat, or put it over the radiator.

steve: So what's the problem with err, putting it in a hot wash?

ricky: Well it can, cause, shrinkage.

steve: Aww no.

ricky: So err, coming up we've got loads of tunes, we're gonna be playing erm some of the best bands around, some new ones, some old ones. We might even play some err, Adam Ant - we don't know yet.

steve: Let's have err Badly Drawn Boy though err shall we Karl? Current single.

ricky: Badly Drawn Boy there, Silent Sigh. Is that the one with the duck, Karl?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Yeah. Apparently he's stopped wearing his hat around because he keeps getting recognised, and he's gonna not wear his hat, doesn't want to get recognised.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Maybe pop it in the wash.

steve: Mmm, be careful, just have a light cold rinse.

ricky: Err, light cold rinse, soak it because it's woollen, right, and then just leave it out on a towel. Or you know maybe in, err near the immersion heater.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Or over a radiator.

steve: Over a radiator is that a problem?

ricky: It CAN Cause! that sort of you know, damaging to the fibres of the wool.

steve: Ok.

karl: Yeah, he had a kid last week.

ricky: Did he?

karl: Yep.

steve: Who did?

karl: Badly Drawn Boy.

steve: Oh right ok.

ricky: Badly Drawn little boy.

karl: Yep.

ricky: He's gonna call it, innie?

steve: Brilliant Rick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well done.

ricky: It's sort of satire.

steve: Mmm, I’d like to see that as a headline in a tabloid.

ricky: "Stand and deliver, hoi hoi, money or your life" (drums on the desk) uhh! Erm now.

ricky: Carry on.

steve: Aww. Can we explain why that's funny?

ricky: Don't panic Karl I’m a professional, don't worry.

steve: What's your concern Karl?

ricky: What's your concern?

karl: Nothing.

steve: Tell us.

karl: No.

ricky: You can say!

karl: I can't.

ricky: You can!

karl: This is so unprofessional.

ricky: It's what? What? what have we done?

steve: What talking about wool?

karl: No.

steve: Come on Karl what's the problem?

ricky: What's the problem?

karl: You say.

ricky: He's great isn't he? He's lovely.

steve: He's so scared, come on Karl tell us.

karl: I don't know all the ins and out so I don't want to get into it.

ricky: What?

karl: The thing.

ricky: Well look.

steve: You can't, well people are perplexed now, what's the thing karl?

ricky: What's the thing? What you worried about? Say.

steve: Is it an e-mail? That's been received by the head of Xfm?

karl: You've got the e-mail open you can have a read.

ricky: You can talk about, you can say what it.

steve: Ok let me just see.

ricky: Without you know.

steve: I don't understand it "Please note that under ruling at the Old Bailey, any reference to Adam Ant's state of mental illness in any news report will constitute a breach of ruling, and will lead to serious action from his lawyers".

ricky: That's right, and that's true, and that subject, we can't talk about that. You can play his records, and sing.

steve: Sing his classic songs.

ricky: Sing songs.

karl: Yeah well best just to leave it innit?

ricky: Yeah but that's what we, yeah, Karl was a little bit worried. There's no way I was going to mention that or influence anything and I totally agree with the law, so don't panic Karl.

karl: That should've never been sent to you.

ricky and steve: Why?

karl: Because it's like, you know, accidents happen.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: When things like that happen right? You know, you've been told not to mention it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And you're like a little kid.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And, once things are in your 'ead.

ricky: Yep.

karl: It's difficult not to mention it, I mean. When err I was a kid.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Go on.

karl: Me err, me mam's sister Hazel, was seeing another bloke. Erm, it's weird cos she's a lesbian now.

karl: That's really weird.

steve: That must've been an interesting Christmas.

karl: But anyway, seeing this bloke and he looked like Ken Dodd, apparently.

steve: He looked like Ken Dodd?

karl: Looked like Ken Dodd, so people said don't mention it cos it gets, it gets on his nerves when you like meet him and you go, ohh you look like Ken Dodd. So he said alright so his name's Will or whatever. And err I was introduced to him, first thing I said "nice to meet you Ken".

steve: Did you do it as a joke or did you?

karl: No no because, you know when you know that's it's like I’m not allowed to say that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Can't, mustn't say that, and then I saw him and thought "Jesus, it does look like him."

karl: And it just came out.

steve: Was it Doddy who turned her into a lesbo d'ya think?

karl: Well, he wasn't a good looking bloke, so, possibly.

ricky: She started going out with Esther Rantzen then, which is weird, out of the frying pan...

steve: When did she start lesbianism then, when did she announce that to everyone? What age was she when she realised?

karl: Well me, I mean we're not a close family, d'you know what I mean?

ricky: No.

karl: We're not the sort of family that keeps in touch with everyone, and I think me mam called her up one Christmas, and sort of said "how's, how's Will?"

steve: How's Doddy man?

karl: And so err, and err she said "Aww no I’m not, I don't do that anymore, I’m knocking about with Sandra or whatever".

ricky: Right.

karl: And it was like "Ohh right."

ricky: Not big butch Sandra with the big earrings and skinhead? Used to live down the road from you?

karl: I don't know I...

ricky: Used to get Doc Marten's wholesale, that Sandra?

karl: But she lived, she had a haunted house.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Erm.

steve: Who, Sandra?

karl: No 'azel.

steve: Right, is this before she was a lesbian or not?

karl: Before.

steve: OK.

karl: And erm, there was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards.

steve: What was in the hall?

karl: Her bike.

ricky: That's handy innit? Aww that's great. Don't worry we won't do anything.

steve: Sorry, no there was, I wanna hear about the ho-, haunted house, there was a bike in the hall.

karl: There was a bike in the hall and the pedals used to go backwards on their own, and also, shoes used to stick to the wall or something.

ricky: Did they?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Shoes used to stick to the wall?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: OK.

ricky: That sounds like a...

steve: That's a haunted house.

ricky: Hell of a household. Yeah. Aww dear.

karl: There we go.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Maybe she should clean the walls.

ricky: The La's, and "There She Goes" - what a great start to a show. We’ve had--we’ve had twenty minutes of some of the best banter, chatter and music and anecdote anywhere on the... dial.

steve: You’re damn right. High five!

ricky: Yeah

steve: Sweet man, sweet.

ricky: Ohhhh, uh, what were we talking about? N--Oh, oh, well... I, I love that track, it’s lovely. I li--they’ve got a bit of the, the Liverpool gene pool, haven’t they? That sort of Doddy, y’know what I mean? I like the scouse sort of, look, y’know the Cilla Black and the Stan Boardman. It’s sort of--

steve: Yeah, it’s particularly unique to Liverpool, isn’t it?

ricky: It’s sort of happy and teeth and ears. D’y’know what I mean?

steve: It’s happy and teeth and ears.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What a brilliant description.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Happy and teeth and ears.

ricky: Yeah, that’s just three of my friends. Now, we’ve got a great track lined up--haven’t we, Karl--that I’ve bought in. Simon and Garfunkel--now I’m not ashamed, as you know, me and Steve aren’t worried about being part of a trend or, or y’know being trendy, or jumping on the back of--Steve, particularly, doesn’t worry about like, looking good, or...

steve: Well...

ricky: No no, I’m saying. It’s a compliment. He doesn--he doesn’t worry about walking along like that, or, you know, acting like a...

steve: Well this is... I’m looking good-

ricky: No no no no, but I’m saying you don’t mind the insults “Freak Boy” or “Goggle Eye” or...

steve: Nah it’s water off a duck’s back, mate.

ricky: Y’know what I mean? Or, or a new phrase that’s being calling because of Steve’s face “Water off a frog’s back”.

steve: Who’s saying that?

ricky: Just a lot of, a lot, a lot of your... a lot of friends an’ that. But I mean...

steve: What, my friends?

ricky: Yeah, a lot of uh, a lot of the people you, you...

steve: Can you name names? Or...

ricky: I can’t really.

steve: You’ve made promises--you can’t...

ricky: I can’t, I can’t be...

steve: Don’t wanna grass anyone up.

ricky: I think it’s the cagoule.

steve: Looks good.

ricky: It does look good.

steve: It’s waterproof, Rick, and it’s also stylish--I wear nothing underneath. So it’s tight to the skin, it gets sticky in bad weather.

ricky: Ohhh is that why you, sort of rustle?

steve: It’s sexy.

steve: But what’s, what’s all--is there abuse?

ricky: No, no, they just say...

steve: ‘Cause I’m a pretty trendy guy but I--as you say I cut my own trend, you know, I make my own style. You know, consequently: the pipe. You don’t feel that’s an affectation?

ricky: I--I don’t think, I think ‘cause you’re young and tall...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...the pipe looks a little bit silly.

steve: Go on.

ricky: I mean I know you’re worri--you’re worried about, ‘cause... ’cause we’ve already lost the trilby.

steve: Well I’m worried because pipes are gonna die out, I mean this is the problem, there’s no young people now who are taking up the pipe as a smoking device. There's no young people-

ricky: Is there anyone, is there anyone under the age of, what should we say? 25?

steve: We’ve said this before, and I don’t think there is--there was no one. I think there was some nutty old woman who phoned in and said, “I smoke a pipe”. But I’m talking about, you know, ‘cause if--years ago it was like an Oxbridge student, y’know you’d be at Cambridge or something, you’d have eh, a lovely pipe and a tweed suit. You’d be there studying. That was--you know--and that was the young gent who always smoked a pipe but no one is now. I’ll tell you this, in the year 2050, there’ll be no pipes. They won’t exist.

ricky: Well I think all, all, um, drugs like, eh, nicotine and alcohol will be banned and we won’t b--we won’t be allowed to think our own thoughts, we’ll have to live in the sewers like eatin’ rat burgers or summat.

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: Won’t we?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And we’ll have to download our memories or summat, probably.

steve: Aww God.

ricky: An’ I-

steve: But I’ll be a rebel, Rick. I’ll just be down there listening to jazz.

ricky: No, no you won’t. You’ll just have a little chip in the back of your... and you’ll be, you’ll be going out with a big fat man with a big toga on and he’ll be, and you’ll be, you’ll be touchin’ ‘im.

steve: But will I think it’s a beautiful woman?

ricky: Yeah you will, yeah. And I’ll be fighting with the, the rebel underground.

steve: No you won’t

ricky: I will.

steve: No.

ricky: I will. I’ll be dead, wouldn’t I?

steve: You’ll be dead, yeah.

ricky: I’ll be dead, yeah.

steve: In 2050 you will.

ricky: I’ll be dead.

steve: Unless you--‘cause obviously you’re becoming quite wealthy now. You’re becoming a very rich man, obviously, from all your, y’know, celebrity endorsments.

ricky: I’ll have my brain, I’ll have my brain put into a robot...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...made of titanium and I'll have it... aww.

steve: Yeah... Would you be cryogenically frozen, if you could do it?

ricky: I would, but I’d leave myself out on a towel.

steve: Right.

ricky: Never--’cause if you do it too quickly, there is shrinkage.

steve: You’ve got to be careful. Did you read in the paper this week, this is true, apparently, the um, the world’s oldest man is 113, lives in some little part of Japan, like a little island in Japan. But apparently, the world’s oldest woman also lives in exactly the same place. Now I don’t know if she’s since died, but she lived in the same place as well. Do you not think there’s something suspicious going on there? I mean isn’t that a bit eerie to you?

ricky: I’m thinking, have you ever seen ‘em together? And have, has he--have you ever found lipstick in his bag? I think they’d be one and the same.

steve: I wonder if it’s something like y’know, what brought Godzilla back. There’s some kind of, there’s some antics over there.

ricky: No, there might be mightn’t there, sort of like, yeah... although just hearing some of Karl’s stories about school, there’s summat going on there where he lives.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Did you say you did live near a sort of, em, nuclear plant, or something?

karl: I found out it wasn’t a nuclear plant, it was a chemical plant.

steve: My god.

ricky: Really? And is that really true?

karl: Yeah

steve: What color was the tap water in your area?

karl: It was better than it is in London.

ricky: Really?

karl: I was talking to someone about this the other day...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...em, water in London’s ropey. Em, an--an’ I use one of them water filters.

ricky: Do you really?

karl: And the guy down in the office was sayin’ it’s a waste of time, though, ‘cause they only work for a couple of water--like, you fill your jug twice, and then the water’s going through the same muck, innit?

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: But it’s not--if it’s not getting through it’s not getting through.

karl: No but it’s--

ricky: If it’s a filter it doesn’t matter, does it?

karl: Still not... good though.

steve: Fair enough.

karl: Good point.

steve: So you just, have you just thrown it away, based on what that bloke said?

steve: Is he currently in the building?

ricky: Did he sell you another one, that he had on him?

steve: Yeah, a better updated model.

ricky: Yeah, did he have a suit and a business...

steve: When you say, like, he works here, was he actually hanging around outside?

ricky: Yeah, did he have a suitcase with lots of these in?

steve: With a cart?

ricky: Yeah... aww dear.

steve: To just go back to insults, briefly, y'know it's in-

ricky: Go on, goofy.

ricky: No no! I d--see, that's-

steve: Goofy?! That’s not fair!

ricky: N-n-no no! Because, that's--that’s what he said, it’s in my head--I thought-

steve: What do you mean, he said? When did he say that?

ricky: No! No! No! I mean-

steve: When did you call me goofy?

ricky: No he didn’t!

karl: I didn't.

ricky: He said about what's in m'head.

steve: Baldy.

ricky: No wait a se-

karl: Hey! Come on!

ricky: Oi come off it! Don’t start on-

steve: Well, whose calling me goofy?

ricky: No-

steve: I’m not even goofy. 'Goggle-eyed'’s fair enough!...

ricky: No, I meant...

steve: ...Lanky.

karl: Yeah, but you can sort your look out, I can’t.

steve: What do y’mean I can sor--how can I sort my look out? I’m not even goofy--that’s not fair!

karl: You got--you got the proper features...

steve: What?

karl: ...just need... sortin’ out a bit. I can’t help it if, if me hair’s not good.

ricky: I noticed the other day when Karl was sitting on your knee having his picture taken, it’s a long story, right? He’s got a completely spherical head. It’s slightly too small--I’m not being funny--’cause, I mean, you know, I’m not perfect... but he’s got a completely spherical little head. He looks a little bit like a baby Hamburgler. You know Hamburgler off um, eh McDonald’s?

steve: Sure.

ricky: He looks like a little baby Hamburgler, and it’s sort of quite put upon, it’s...

karl: Suzanne thinks I look like that thing in that Dulux advert, d'you know when the woman pulls the head off that...

steve: That little plasticine, Morph type creature?

karl: Yeah, and then they make a new head for it, and it’s like a little head.

ricky: Really?

steve: And that’s your girlfriend saying it.

ricky: I know. Anyway, listen, let’s--let’s get back to, eh, eh--business, here. This is, eh, a great track. It’s ‘America’ by Simon and Garfunkel. This is why I started saying we don’t care about being trendy and all that. That was it.

ricky: Strokes - ‘Last Nite’, XFM 104.9--we’re flyin’ now, 35 minutes into it. No re--no real hiccups, I don’t think, that I...

steve: Not so far.

ricky: It’s going really well. My name’s Ricky Gervais, with me Steve.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Karl.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Alright. Coming up soon: ‘White Van Man’--‘White Van Karl’. We ask Karl the questions that The Sun asked someone else.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It’s a good feature.

steve: It’s a great feature.

ricky: I’ll be testing Karl on the new, the new reeducation of Karl--as you know, he got a GCSE, an E...

karl: It’s the last one innit, this week.

ricky: ...in history. It’s the last heavy, sort of one, yeah.

karl: No...

ricky: Sir Winston Churchill--well yeah, ‘cause you got, you got, we’re going on to more, sort of uh, metaphorical and metaphysical... uh, sort of uh, pursuits, aren’t we?

karl: Not that book?

ricky: Yeah, that’s the--Aesop’s fables.

karl: I can’t read that in a week!

ricky: You don’t have to read it-

karl: Alright, okay.

ricky: Just choose out--just choose the ones about the foxes eating penguins, you’ll like that. Steve, over to you.

steve: Thanks very much. I wonder if, I don’t think we’ve eh, made much progress yet on, eh, sending Karl into sort of, eh, into the air with the balloons.

ricky: No this has gone a bit ballistic, actually.

karl: I’ve gone off the idea.

ricky: Oh no shutup.

steve: No--don’t, you haven’t gone off it.

ricky: We’ve, we’ve inflamed the imagination of the capital. There’s people offering left, right and centre, and, eh, I think it’s a good idea, but I th--we should, we should, eh, y’know, make a day of it. I think we should send you up in some balloons, right? Maybe eh, y’know...I’ll compere...

steve: Well hang on, Rick, let’s--before we carry on, let’s explain what happened, ‘cause people might not have listened last week.

ricky: I don’t believe that.

steve: There are one or two, Rick.

ricky: I don’t believe that. Name them.

steve: People who are ill, maybe out of the country.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Um... yeah, so last week we discovered--was it that 623... uh, is it 6000?

karl: No, I read that 6,000 balloons filled with helium can lift a bloke off the floor.

ricky: I think that’s too many. I think that’s too many, I think we could do it for less, certainly with you.

steve: Well anyway listen, there are various organizations which actually exist already, that can provide this kind of entertainment, this kind of fun, I’ll b--I didn’t realize that there was a whole kind of market for this already, but apparently there is.

ricky: Nor did I, no.

steve: Incredible. Anyway, em, so we’re gonna try and track one of them down. We’re gonna see if they can, they can, eh, organize it so that you--Karl--can float into the air. We need to get you--is it at least eleven feet up? ‘Cause...

karl: Yeah, if it’s...

steve: ...and I think, certainly higher, I mean I can’t remember what the record is, but it’s quite a long way up.

ricky and karl: 11,000 feet.

steve: 11,000 feet.

ricky: Yeah, but I think they’re all official, we’re--I wanna do it with like little, those little balloons you get for a quid at the zoo or summat.

steve: I don’t think that can be right, health and safety wise. I don’t think that can be healthy.

karl: I just--

ricky: I think--I think if we get him to sign summat, which I will...

steve: Okay.

ricky: ...eh, I think we’ll cover ourselves.

steve: You’ll be fine. But yeah, certainly we’re thinking of making it a bit like eh... was it--is it ‘T in the Park’?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The old Capital FM, uh, event, y'know.

ricky: Yeah, the big event.

steve: You can get sort of Steps--at least ‘H’ from Steps can come down and host the event.

ricky: I mean eh--or, or I don’t mind, uh, compering it. Steve’s gonna do, eh, Steve’s learning to sort of like, scratch and mix and beat-match and, he’s--I mean you’re getting pretty...

steve: I’m making a lot of progress, yeah.

ricky: You--you’re--you’re--you are going to be a turntable-ist, uh-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, Steve never learnt an instrument, which he regrets... y’know, and uh, y’know he’s a modern lad. And eh, he’s eh, he’s using turntables as his instrument.

steve: I just got two turntables and a microphone, and so far, I mean lads, seriously, I’m cuttin’ it up--big style.

steve: No, don’t--don’t laugh, ‘cause it is mental, the kind of stuff I’m comin’ out with. And I’m scratchin’, I got the--I got the beats, y’know, matching.

ricky: Can you imagine that?

steve: Shut-up! It’s-

ricky: No no, if--if...

steve: Look at The Chemical Brothers for goodness sake, if you’re talking about freaks look at those weirdos!

steve: Man Alive!

ricky: At least you cut your hair at Gavin’s.

steve: You know the recent-

ricky: Whatever it’s called.

steve: 'Cause they used to kind of at least faintly appear in their videos.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The recent one is just some shots of, like, what you see from outside a train.

ricky: I know.

steve: That’s--to them, that is more glamorous and exciting, apparently, than seeing the lads themselves in the video.

ricky: Who do you think’s cooler, to look at, Steve or The Chemical Brothers?

karl: Steve.

steve: Definitely, yes! You’re absolutely right, Karl, and that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said for a long time.

karl: If I was to work with Steve, on, on some music...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If I had the choice, I think Steve would look better on a... album cover.

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What would you do, would you change him at all, to--what would you do with his image?

karl: I’d put him in the distance, so I think...

steve: I can’t believe this is, this is happening.

karl: No just so you don’t look as tall, that’s doing you a favour.

steve: You know I was on the--this is true--I was on the, eh, on the tube, right, coming in to meet Gervais the other day, and I was wearing a suit and my mobile phone slipped out of my pocket and it landed on the seat, and I didn’t realize this. And as I was about to get off, some bloke who was sat there, like an old guy, he picked up the phone--he went “Oi!", uh, "Lanky! You dropped your mobile phone”.

steve: And I was like “Well, I thank you for pointing out I dropped my phone, but did you have to do the ‘Lanky’?”

karl: But you knew who he meant, I bet you turned around straight away. It worked.

ricky: “Knew who he meant”, Steve.

steve: Yeah, but...

ricky: He’s done you again--he’s stitched you up.

steve: But I was the only person stood up, it was a fairly empty train.

ricky: Was th--was there any other lanky people there?

steve: No.

ricky: Well then.

steve: No but my point was there was no one else at all who was about to exit the train.

ricky: Okay, so he didn’t need ‘lanky’, what-

steve: He could have gone, “Excuse me sir”, or “Oi you!” Anything but “Oi Lanky!”

ricky: I know.

karl: It’s that thing though, innit? That’s what I’m talking about, you say the thing that you don’t wanna say. It’s like me with Ken Dodd and Will.

steve: I think he wanted to say this.

karl: Ah well.

steve: I think he took pleasure in it.

ricky: I think he went, “That bloke’s lanky. I shouldn’t say that. Yeah I should”. “Oi Lanky!--

steve: “What’s he gonna do?”

ricky: You dropped your phone.” Yeah. “Do you want your phone back or not?”

karl: Well this balloon thing anyway, I...it’s got a bit out of hand.

ricky: No-

steve: Why is it got out of hand, what are you worried about?

ricky: No, it’s funny. I just wanna--I wan--y’know--I wanna sort of like tie ‘em all to the back of your belt so as you go up there, you sort of tip forward slightly, so you’re going up slightly upside down.

steve: We could paint some advertising on your bald head.

ricky: On your--yeah, oh that would be great.

karl: Yeah we’ll do that Lanky.

ricky: Ah that’d be great!

steve: Here he comes.

karl: No, I mean, last week it was just a bit of fun about going, like, just lifting me feet off the ground.

ricky: No.

karl: And that’s a big difference to what it’s got now.

ricky: No, okay th--I’ll tell you what, we’ll do a hundred feet in the air, and we--and I’ll hold on to the rope.

steve: But we’ll do it at Wembley Arena and we’ll sell tickets. But it’ll be for charity, Karl.

karl: Yeah I know.

ricky: For charity.

steve: We’ll have lots of underprivileged kids comin’ along, to see it y’know

karl: It’s gotten out of hand, it’s like... em, y’know, I like... karaoke... but I wouldn’t want to go on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And it’s got out of hand--that’s how it’s sort of, it’s grown too big, I don’t like it.

steve: Who would you do if you were on ‘Stars In Their Eyes’?

karl: I’d do that, eh...

ricky: Moby?

karl: No that, “Jack the Knife” song. I love that.

steve: “Jack The Knife”.

ricky: “Old Mac heath he...” That one, yeah?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Is Mack the knife?

karl: That’s what I’d do.

steve: But which ch--who would...

ricky: No but he’d, he’d do a hip-hop version.

steve: But which of the many singers would you impersonate? You can’t--it’s not the song, is it? It’s the singer.

ricky: Uh, you could do, um, Jimmy Somerville, I think... quite well.

steve: Yeah, Somerville you’d be good at.

ricky: Uh, Moby. Um... did Morph bring out a single?

steve: I don’t think Morph did.

ricky: Didn’t he?

steve: No, I’m not sure, I don't think so.

ricky: I’m sure--didn’t he have a theme tune--did Morph? Phone in if you think Morph...

steve: Morph didn’t speak, Rick, let alone sing.

ricky: Didn’t he? Morph hardly had any features.

steve: True.

karl: Right.

steve: There y'are. You shoulda said to play a record.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Suddenly he's taking it into his own hands.

ricky: X-Press 2 featuring David Byrne - ‘Lazy’, XFM 104.9. Quarter to two, I’m Ricky Gervias. Steve’s got The Sun.

steve: Yes, I’m just looking for the White Van Man column.

ricky: He’s gonna--we’re just gonna be doing White Van Karl, where we ask Karl the questions The Sun asked some other bloke.

steve: That’s right.

ricky: Because we think Karl’s got more to say than anyone, on anything. Karl only tells the truth by the way. Just remember that listeners. Off you go.

steve: Yes, emmm well today’s White Van Man in The Sun is John Slade, he owns his own door maintenance company. [Laughs] Ummm... his ans--eh, his answers are very informative I have to say, but Karl, what do you make of, eh, the Channel 4 producer--aged 30--who duped a school into believing he was a teenager, for a documentary, are you familiar with this story?

karl: No, go on.

steve: Well, basically a thirty year old guy kind of fooled the school into, em, into thinking he was a pupil for a, a secret documentary. The school’s outraged. Do you think that that’s, eh, y’know, any--for you, y’know, should anything go when it comes to making TV?

karl: Well I--I think I’ve said to you before, em, there’s loads of kids at my school. I remember being in the first year, and kids who, what d--what year do schools go up to?

karl: I was in the first year, what, what is it?

ricky: Eleven?

karl: Five?

ricky: Oh, sorry. First year of infants and juniors.

karl: No, secondary school.

ricky: Eleven.

karl: Right, year eleven. Em.. kids had beards and stuff.

ricky: No. No, not year eleven. They’re eleven when they first go to secondary school.

karl: No, right, well I’m eleven, the kids at the, at the older end...

steve: Well there, there’s a fifth form, and then there’s a sixth form isn’t there?

ricky: It depends.

karl: Right.

ricky: You can leave when you’re sixteen, I think, can’t you now?

karl: Right, well kids who were sixteen..

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ..looked old, they had, they did have beards. I remember going there and thinking some of them were teachers.

ricky: I think he’s answered that. Next one, what’s the next one?

steve: Fair enough.

karl: Tattoos and everything.

steve: Emm, eh-

karl: I think like kids in the--in the earlier years even.

steve: What do make of the fact that Mariah Carey’s £38 million payoff has cost EMI staff, uh, their jobs--and we’re talking 1,800 EMI staff who have lost their jobs.

ricky: What d’ya think of that?

karl: Yeah.. I mean..

steve: I mean, is that silly money? Mariah Carey on 38 million?

karl: She doesn’t need that much.

steve: She doesn’t need that much. She has to dress nice, though.

karl: It’s not her fault. I’d say, em... it’s bad business.

steve: Okay.

karl: Because a--EMI, did you say?

steve: Yes.

karl: Right, they’ve got rid of them, them staff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Maraih Carey’s left. Who’s gonna do the work?

steve: Do you think--d’you think Mariah should come back and do some tempin’?

karl: Well, they shoulda--they shoulda got a loan and paid her.

steve: Okay.

karl: D’y’know what I mean? Vicious circle, that.

steve: Right.

ricky: Have you--have you don’t, you don’t have a business degree or anything, have you?

karl: No, commerce.

ricky: You did commerce. What--where did you do that--what did you do tha--which..

karl: In school, I learned how to fill out a check, pay a bill, and eh... I think I had a trip around Kellog’s.

steve: Did you eh, did you get--did you get an O level or GCSE for it?

ricky: We know he didn’t.

karl: You know I didn’t.

steve: But was there a commerce exam? Or was it just a division of maths?

karl: Can’t remember.

ricky: What did you do? Fill out a check...

steve: Was it a subset of maths?

karl: It was an option, it was like, if you wanna do it, you can do it.

ricky: What was it?

ricky and steve: Fill out a check...

karl: Fill out a check...

steve: Pay a bill,

ricky: Pay a bill,

karl: Pay a bill,

steve: Have a visit ‘round Kellogg’s.

karl: And then ‘round Kellogg’s and I saw me sister’s boyfriend there at the time. He sorted me out with some variety packs.

ricky: Really? What was in ‘em?

karl: You know, Rice Krispies an’...

steve: Good stuff.

ricky: Cocoa Pops?

karl: Space... Dust or whatever it is.

ricky: Space Dust.

steve: Sorry, that wasn’t Ken Dodd, though?

karl: [Laughing] No.

steve: That was someone else, was it? That was an aunt.

ricky: Yeah. That wasn’t Special K. Aww, dear.

steve: What about this, then, Home Secretary David Blunkett admits that muggers rule some streets.

karl: Em, weird this, ‘cause when I was out with you...

ricky: I couldn’t believe it’s gonna be weird, whatever you’re say, Karl, go on.

karl: No, when we, when we were in that pub that night, and we got talking about muggers an’ that, the tip is, em, what I tend to do, ‘cause I nearly got mugged once: act mental.

ricky: You what? You nearly got mugged once.

karl: I nearly got mugged.

ricky: Yeah

karl: But I--but I tried this technique, of acting a bit mental.

steve: Right, and how did you act mental?

karl: Well, this guy wanted me trainers... an’ eh, I was in Picadilly Gardens in Manchester and it was quite late one night, an’ he come up, he said, eh, “I want them trainers”. I said, “You want ’em?”, I said, “I worked hard for these”. I said “How dare you come to me askin’...”, an’ I got a bit livid, an’ I-

karl: He looked at--he looked at me like, “Oh my god!”, he’s “got a right one ‘ere”, an’ he left me.

steve: Were you acting mental or were you just mental?

karl: No, I put it on a bit.

steve: Were you not tetri--petrified, though?

karl: Well, you don’t think about it do you, when you’re sort of in the eyes of danger.

steve: Well not you, clearly you’re a brave man. So what did you say?

ricky: [Laughing] ‘The eyes of danger’.

karl: I ju--I just, [laughing] I just wen--I just went a bit mad. I just kinda.. ‘cause he said he wanted the trainers, and they were dear ones at the time, and, eh, I just said “No. You’re not having these”. I said “I’ve grafted--”, I said, “I wanted these trainers”.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And, y’know, went on to tell him how I work at a printers and I don’t enjoy it, an’, y’know, I put in all these hours an’ that, and I have to cycle home for about five miles an’ I...

steve: Did he give you his trainers?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Did he have a knife on him?

karl: I just left--no it didn’t get that, didn’t get that violent.

steve: Well that’s very brave of you, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, it’s good.

steve: It’s good advice, though. Just act mental. Um, abidibidibuhaahuuh... [sings to himself]

karl: See, whatsit shoulda tried it the other night.

ricky: Who, Liza Minnelli?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: She says, “I’ve worked hard for these... diamonds”. Yeah. “It’s not easy being the daughter of Judy Garland. You don’t know what it’s like”.

steve: Finally, apparently, em, there was a crook, that got a job--a security job--at Heathrow. Right, he was a crook, and he got a job at Heathrow...

ricky: [Laughing] Crook.

steve: ...as robbers steal another £2 million. Apparently security down there is lax.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that a concern for you?

karl: Is this another...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...two million?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Why--why is all this money at the airport?

steve: Um, it’s those sandwich shops. You know how they’re really expensive, the sandwiches, and like when you’re on a plane, they’re like £2.50 for tuna, which is ludicrous.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s basically the reason for it.

ricky: What do you mean, “Why is all this money at airports?”?

karl: Well, what--what is it doing there? Why isn’t it just-

ricky: ‘Av a go--‘av a go. No, ‘av a go answering this yourself. Why is anything at an airport?

karl: It’s going somewhere.

ricky: Or coming in from somewhere.

karl: Yeah, but money, you can sort it out through the bank, like phone banks an’ that.

ricky: Have you done commerce? You know a lot about paying bills and writing out checks, don’t ya?

steve: Tell us about Kellogg’s.

ricky: What was it like? What wa--what was in the factory, was it just, like, squashing bits of corn an’-

karl: It was pretty boring, really. Just loads of conveyor belts, em...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...boxes of Corn Flakes everywhere. Just what you imagine.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I don’t know what we were meant to learn from it.

steve: So is it more, “This is where you might be working”? “This is where you’re likely to work when you leave school”.

karl: Possibly, there was two trips: there was that, and the trip to Manchester Evening News.

steve: Okay.

karl: And... I, I left that early, ‘cause I had a job in, em, Cordon Bleu.

steve: In Kellogg's.

ricky: Cordon Bleu, what’s that?

karl: It’s like a supermarket.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: And I, I had to leave the trip early, and the teacher went mad, sayin’ they’d thought I’d got lost on the, you know, in the building and stuff, it caused a right uproar.

steve: What, you didn’t tell anyone?

karl: No, because it was like day two of working in this supermarket, and I couldn’t be late. I thought, by the time I explain where I’ve got to go and everything, I’ll be even later.

ricky: Sure.

karl: So I just left, and then apparently they were searchin’ the building and everything for me. I might have been stuck in a printer.

ricky: How old were ya?

karl: Em, dunno.

ricky: Stuck in a printer.

karl: I dunno.

ricky: What was the printer’s name?

steve: You worked at a supermarket called Cordon Bleu.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Cordon Bleu.

steve: This is brilliant.

ricky: That’s great isn’t it?

karl: It’s rubbish.

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Got sacked.

steve: You had to make it back--what d’ya get sacked for?.

ricky: What? What d’ya get sacked for?

karl: Messin’ about in a, em... back in the, in the car park around the back,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, there was, there was a grid... an’ eh, all the concrete had gone funny, so when it rained you got, like, a big lake.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: Right, an’ I got in--d’you know those big metal trolleys you get to, like, put all the food in whilst you’re shopping?

ricky: Oh yeah, yeah.

karl: An’ I got in one of them, and pushed myself out into this lake.

steve: Of cement?

karl: No-

ricky: Of water.

karl: -it was full of water, ‘cause it’d been raining.

steve: Oh it was water, right right right.

karl: An’ I got stuck in the middle, right? An’ the boss was like, “Where’s--where’s Karl, he’s meant to be doin’, y’know, facin’ up the beans”.

steve: You were stranded in a lake?

karl: So someone said, “Oh, I saw him messin’ about out the back”. He came out and saw me stuck in the middle of this...

karl: ...lake, in like a--in a trolley. And he said “Get back in!”, I said “No,…”

ricky: Were you sayin, “No, I’m filming sharks!”?

karl: I said “I’m--It’s too deep! I can’t get out, you’ll have to pass me something”. An’ he said, “I’m not passin’ you nothin’!” He said “You can get outta there an’ walk through it”. I said “I’m not, I’ve got me trainers on”. Probably the same ones, actually.

steve: Yeah, you risked you’re life for them.

karl: Yeah, I said “I’m not getting’ these wet”. He said “What’re you gonna do?” I said “I’m gonna wait for the water to go down the grid”. He said “The grid’s blocked. Now get out, or you’re sacked”. I said “Well I’m not getting’ out”. He says “Right, you’re sacked”.

ricky: So--so, you were sacked. How long did you have to wait for the water to go down the grid?

karl: In the end, I did get bored, an’ I sort of did a bit of a leap and a jump, and got one foot wet.

ricky: Ha--how long were you waitin’?

karl: Probably about... half an hour.

ricky: Just think of it... just think, I mean, how did he get himself into that situation? That’s fantastic. Should we play a record?

steve: Oh definitely, definitely. That’s a joy, oh you’re an absolute pleasure. More White Van Man next timmme, on the show--eh, Electric Soft Parade, I keep trying to get the album for free, from you Karl, you’ve not sorted me out yet. I have to rely on other people to give me, eh, different compilations and different tracks.

karl: No, I did try, an’ I’ll keep trying.

steve: Please do, this is one called “There is a Silence”. Electric Soft Parade.

ricky: Um, that’s Gomez, and Shot Shot, on Xfm 104.9. Sorry – I was gonna tell Steve something. Talk amongst yourselves. When you were out there, um, Johnny Mango called up and said, "C’mon, when are we gonna do this thing?", and Karl got all nervous! He went, You don’t wanna do it, do ya, he said, Well, I just – it’s gonna get out of hand. I just wanted to go high as a tree. And uh, he went, Well, you can. We’ll just .. I hold you down with a rope, and he went, Yeah, but he said, When the crowd are there, and they’re all screaming Higher! Higher! I’ll feel the pressure, and have to go along with it!

ricky: What crowd?!

ricky: What crowd is this? HIGHER! No! HIGHER!

steve: We don’t live in, like, a mediaeval era.

steve: There’s not gonna be dancing bears, and tumbling midgets. Well, I don’t know – that’s an idea.

ricky: Oh, well, hold on – if there’s anyone, got any of those –

karl: Send them up.

steve: Some midgets would be amazing. Definitely.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Less balloons, cheaper to do.

steve: Oh, you’re going up, Karl.

ricky: Nonono – you’re goin’ up with ‘em. You’re goin up with ‘em, no.

steve: With a midget under either arm!

steve: ‘Be brilliant!

steve: Yeah. Oh, dear. Uh, it’s time for your uh, the Re-education of Karl, Pilkington. Uh, this week Karl was studyini, uh, the life and times of Winston Chuchill. Um, what’d ya make of it, Karl, what did – what did Churchill do for you?

karl: Right. Well last week I made a bit of an error, with Hitler.

steve: Yeah, you did all of it,

ricky: Go on – why.

karl: Tried to remember too much and it just, it was way too much for me.

ricky: Sure.

karl: So what I’ve done this week, I’ve just flicked through, got a few of the basic facts.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And what I’ve learned, right. Bit weird the way, all these people, have something in common, that they’re all, a bit weird when, when they’re younger.

steve: OK.

ricky: Go on – go on.

karl: They’ve got a sort of illness – well, you know, Rasputin, he, he wasn’t well, as a kid.

steve: Yup.

karl: Che Guevara –

ricky: Oh - this is Rasputin, the Mad Monk, wasn’t well.

karl: Yeah. Che Guevara, um,

steve: Asthma.

karl: Asthma. Really bad asthma.

steve: Yup.

karl: Hitler,

steve: Only one ball.

karl: He was a bit mental, yeah.

ricky: His mother, got the other,

steve: He was what – a bit mental? That could be libellous.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And um, uh, who’ve we done? And Churchill, very weak, very weak child,

ricky: Was he?

karl: He only spoke to his dad, four times in his whole lifetime,

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah. Didn’t get on with his dad.

ricky: All right.

karl: And I think one of the times when his dad spoke to him, he, he was havin’ a go. Sayin’ uh, he didn’t do as well in the army as he wanted him to.

steve: Right!

karl: So, that’s, that’s a pretty sad bit,

ricky and steve: Yeah, yeah.

steve: So that spurred him on,

karl: Uh, anyway. Yeah. Um, I’m not going in to all the ins and outs, very uh, very uh, important bloke.

steve: OK!

karl: No, it’s – seriously, your dad bought you tapes, din’t he.

steve: Yes.

karl: And I can understand why. Because he did, he did change a lot for us, you know’I mean. We wouldn’t be sat here now, talkin’ like this.

ricky: Why.

karl: We could be German.

karl: He didn’t let that happen.

steve: No.

karl: Everyone had a go at him, right, when- when like, uh, I think it was Chamberlain was in power,

ricky: Yeah,

karl: And he was like sayin’, Don’t be trustin’ that Hiter,

ricky: Yep?

karl: Y’know, and everyone was like, Look, stop causin’ trouble. Chamberlain sorted it out, y’know, he sorted out the peace agreement,

ricky: Yep.

karl: And he was like, No, don’t trust him. And everyone’s like Oh, you – you’re just causin’ trouble, you know everyone else is ‘appy with it. And it turned out that Hitler, did actually do the dirty,

ricky: Yeah!

karl: And try and come over,

ricky: I remember! Didn’t he – do some – he um - started a war, didn’t he?

steve: There was a conflict of some kind.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Start – started the problem, and everyone went, Hang on a minute, that Churchill knew what he was talkin’ about,

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: Get him back in charge!

steve: Sure!

karl: And they got him in, and uh, ‘itler was scared of him, because he knew that he wasn’t gonna be havin’ any lies or anything, he couldn’t try it on with Churchill,

ricky: Yeah, especially when he was a little bit pissed up and coked, and, with a big cigar.

karl: Who was?

ricky: Churchill.

karl: He wasn’t – he wasn’t doin’ that!

ricky: I think – I think a lot were, in the, during the war, in the war cabinet, they had to have things to keep ‘em awake all night, and stuff. He certainly liked a brandy.

steve: Rick – Winston Churchill was coked up, was he? I mean – sorry – I – this is something I wasn’t aware of.

ricky: If there are any historians, uh listening, if I’m wrong – I’m – I’m very sorry –

steve: Was that in The World At War?

ricky: No, (mumbles)

steve: Winston Churchill was coked up?

ricky: Any – any um, any uh, uh, historians, or, or uh um, y’know, experts on, on uh, on war, um, did, did Churchill and not some of the other, uh, people during, uh, I think the First and Second World War, take a little bit of cocaine?

karl: So when – so when it said that Hitler –

ricky: Doctors certainly used to.

karl: Hitler liked cakes, would they be like the funny sort of cakes.

ricky: No. They – he probably did like a little bit of Madeira cake.

karl: Right.

ricky: Sorry – carry on.

karl: So, um, anyway, um,

steve: He beat the boche.

karl: Yeah? Did all that.

ricky: Hold on – steady on – his personal life’s nothing to do with it.

karl: And the most amazing bit is right, he wasn’t, he wasn’t fit, and uh, he had a couple of strokes,

steve: Well, he’s a good lookin’ bloke, in many ways.

ricky: God.

karl: No – he, he, he had a coupla strokes, but he he had a stroke on say...

ricky: We had that.

steve: We talked about a coupla strokes, yeah.

ricky: He beat the boche, he liked to have a couple of strokes, let’s not get into innuendo Karl. It’s stupid.

karl: Right, say he had like a stroke on a Tuesday,

karl: He was – he was up and fighting again on a Wednesday.

ricky: Really?

karl: He was a strong bloke.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And then he died at about the age of 86 or something.

ricky: He was a good lad, wasn’t he.

karl: He was really good.

steve: Is he – is he the one you favour most, of all –

karl: I’d say out of all of them, I mean, Rasputin – I don’t understand why he got, like I said, I don’t know why they made a book on him.

steve: No.

ricky: No.

karl: He just didn’t deserve it.

ricky: No. No!

karl: Che Guevara, y’know, he had his, he had his time, I suppose,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Did a bit of, did a bit of good for certain people,

ricky: Sure.

karl: Sorted, sorted Cuba out, doesn’t really affect me.

ricky and steve: No.

karl: Hitler, I mean, enough said,

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: Bad bloke. Churchill, sorted it all out.

ricky: Yeah? So your favourite, out of the 4 of them, out of all those 4 is

ricky and karl: Churchill.

ricky: Brilliant!

karl: Brilliant.

ricky: I – I – I agree. I agree with you, I think.

steve: What I – what I love about your sort of summary of these incredible lives, is the way it’s almost, like I remember in Look-In Magazine,

steve: I don’t know if you remember Look-In, it was the junior TV Times.

karl: Yeah, I liked Look-In.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They used to have um, half a page which was a comic strip,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Summarising someone’s life. You might have, say, Five Star. The Story of Five Star.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: And you’d have a picture – I always remember the Roger Moore one, was a picture of like, Roger’s Parents, dadadadada, Roger was born in 1930 – dadadadada, picture of Roger’s parents, Roger grew up during the war. Picture of Roger.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Running down the street, right.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This is a school kid, with a – Spitfire, coming behind him, like it was going to try to shoot him.

ricky: Messerschmidt, surely.

steve: Exactly. Exactly, Messerschmidt exactly, Roger, uh, took up acting, picture of Roger like acting, Roger became James Bond.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: James Bond, Roger is now, a popular um, star in his own right, and that does a lot of work for charity. Brilliant, summed up the whole thing, in kind of 5 pictures.

ricky: I think they used to have that in the uh, one of the TV Times or sort of The Sun,

steve: Yeah, I think they may have done.

ricky: I remember when it was uh, Tina Turner, um, what’s her – Born, Sarah Mae Bullock, uh, and it was "Nutbush City Limits", "Stop hittin’ me, Ike!"

ricky: And then it was like, (sings) "Simply the Best!"

ricky: And that was it!

steve: Exactly. Exactly. Well that’s very much what the uh, how your summary of, of, great, great events has gone.

karl: Well I tell you if you didn’t know about Churchill you’d learn a bit today.

steve: True enough.

ricky: I’m so sorry – can people turn in to the uh, the uh, all these fellas takin’ cocaine. I think I’m right.

karl: What’s the number?

ricky: 08700 800 1234.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Give us a call, 104.9.

steve: Did Winston Churchill and various other dignitaries take coke during the war.

ricky: During the war, staying up for the war effort, emergency, uh, summits and meetin’s, I – I think, I think it’s been documented. I could be wrong. And, let me tell you now – it’s not happenin’ today.

ricky: Well.

karl: Pete Yorn, there!

ricky: He’s there, isn’t he, to save me! For Nancy, Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant,

steve: Hi.

ricky: And Karl Pilkington. I’m gettin’ excited now, ‘cause we’ve had loads of um, calls and emails, uh, uh, not only backin’ me up, but goin’ a little bit further. Um, apparently, uh uh, Johnny Mango called in again, he’s, he’s become our sort of official researcher, on uh, on this show, um, that um, there is evidence that uh, Queen Victoria in Balmoral with a young house guest, Winston Churchill, used to consume cocaine-filled lozenges. So, there ya go. Also, um, MDMA was a pre-cursor to sort of Ecstasy, a derivative, and uh, that was big in the day, givin’ soldiers, you know, a little um, pick-me-up. So, it’s not so mad, is it. (can’t understand) taking cocaine, is it.

karl: It sort of makes sense, he was into his speeches and that, and they say that, coke gives you sort of, you know, the balls to stand up and, and say like,

ricky: Not that that’s a good thing.

karl: No, it’s not,

ricky: No.

karl: Definitely not.

ricky: No.

karl: Right? But, it apparently it gives you, it gives you, makes you confident, dunnit, so you can stand up and say, you know, "We’re gonna fight them on the beaches",

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And sound like you mean it.

ricky: Exactly. When he was sort of, you know, havin’ a little bit pissed up, with his cigar on, coked off his tits, he wanted to fight! He didn’t care where it was! He’d fight on a beach, he didn’t care! He didn’t care if he got sand in his new trainers!

steve: Exactly, he was boozed up,

ricky: You want to fight! Yeah! That’s why, he was comin’ hard.

steve: He was very much, you’ve got to think of him as the Liam Gallagher of his day!

ricky: Yeah. Oh, dear.

karl: That’s mad.

steve: Are we allowed to talk about this. I mean, I don’t mean in terms of referencing drugs, but are we allowed t- is this, like, libellous, to Winston Churchill, or is that –

ricky: Well one, you can’t libel the dead.

steve: Yeah, but can you –

ricky: Two, it’s –

steve: Is that only in America, maybe?

ricky: I’m asking, and we’re not, we’re not saying, you know, two (mumbles) fair, fair comment, um, uh, three we’ll say we were jokin’,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Four, it’s a satire, um,

steve: Yeah. Five, we love him.

ricky: Five, we’re not condonin’ drugs in any way,

steve: Six, this is Dermot O’Leary’s show.

karl: I didn’t have a go at him anyway. I said he was all right. If there’s any law against Rasputin, we might be in trouble.

ricky: Law against rasputin'!!

steve: A law against resputin'!

ricky: You did wilfully raspute.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: All over the airwaves.

steve: You did slag off Russia’s greatest love machine.

ricky: Yeah! Yeah! You didn’t shoot him till he was dead, didja? Put some poison into his wine.

steve: I tell ya this, if there’s any other historical questions that people want answered, then we’re the men. ‘Cause really, the 3 of us, our knowledge, of the fact that the Hindenberg was filled with helium,

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Um, the, the kind of coke habits and various drug habits of Britain’s most famous political leader,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We’ve got the answers to all of it!

karl: Einstein,

steve: Go on.

karl: I found out, in the week that he um, he didn’t talk till he was 6. See it’s all, it’s all these people who are weird.

ricky: Churchill couldn’t read, could he, until he was about 8 or 9.

karl: Really?

ricky: Yeah. So um, there ya go. He got a D in History, apparently,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: GCSE. Just 1 better. No but um, Karl, called me in the week and he was a little bit stressed, ‘cause he had a couple of, he’s had a bad week, now he got stressed about Hitler, and, and Churchill, and I said we’ll chill out a little bit and I’ll teach you something a bit um, cozier, and I said, What about animals. No, y’know, not frightening – you’re interested in animals, aren’t ya,

karl: Yep.

ricky: You know, and um, and he went, All right then, all right then, and then he went, OK. Here’s a question for you, whatever. He said, there’s 3 animals, without ears, and he said, I’ve told you one,

ricky: And I went, Well that’s the snake, ‘cause he was talkin’ about the snake, the snake, He went, I went, "Hold on Karl, there’s loads of animals without ears!" He went, "There’s not, there’s 3." I went, "There’s loads! Jellyfish. Worms. Er, um, single-cell protozoa, poriferas", he went, "Ow – what you talkin’ about? What you talkin’ about? Animals! Proper animals!" I went, "They are animals!" He went, "No! Proper, animals!" And I went, "Do you mean mammals?" He went, "What are you on about?" I said, uh, "Are these animals – have they got legs, and are they fur-bearing?", right, and he went, "One is. They’ve got legs" – I went, "I don’t know, I give up." He went, "Right. The turtle", I went, "Right, yeah", and he went, "And the bumblebee. That’s the one with fur."

ricky: That’s the one with fur. The well-known – what are you thinking. What is in your head, Karl?

karl: Which has got the most fur, a bee or a turtle?

ricky: It’s not fur.

karl: What is it?

ricky: Well – well it’s, it’s, you know,

steve: He’s done you there, Gervais!

ricky: It’s pseudo-hairs, isn’t it. It’s like a, it’s a hair. It’s a keratin thing, it’s not like we have, it’s not like mammals grow fur. D’ya’know’I mean.

karl: Yeah.

steve: He’s not convinced!

karl: So go on then!

ricky: When we say that, when we say like, fur, mammals are warm-blooded creatures,

karl: Yeah,

ricky: Uh, often, usually placental, there’s a few exceptions, right, that, that give their milk to their young, nurture their young, and they have fur.

karl: Have you heard about ostas. Os – ostas. Oysters. Um, um, they, one minute they’re a man, then they’re a woman, then they’re a man again,

ricky: Like Eddie Izzard. Now that’s, that’s libellous.

ricky: He’s a transvestite, can I say. He’s not, a transsexual. Let’s say that straight away, I’m retractin’ that.

karl: Right, go on then.

ricky: What?

karl: Give us more facts.

ricky: Um, no, I’ve got you Aesop’s Fables.

karl: No, but you had some more facts that you told me that were dead good, I just wondered if Steve knew ‘em.

ricky: What. What’ you want to know?

karl: The ones that you read out to me. You had um, you had one about the spikey thing,

steve: Porcupine.

ricky: Go on,

karl: Yeah,

ricky: Gimme a clue.

karl: How many spikes does the porcupine got.

steve: Dunno.

karl: How many was it?

ricky: I think it was about 10,000. But I – I – these aren’t, these aren’t the most interesting facts, are they.

karl: It’s all right.

ricky: It’s all right, innit. Yeah. And he went, But how can they say that? You can say that, you know, we’ve got a certain amount of hairs on our head, I went, 10 – 100,000, he went, Yeah. Yeah. But I haven’t. So how do we know that that porcupine that they’ve counted is the same for all of them.

karl: Might have had alopecia.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. He might have been a particularly hairy one. D’ya’know’I mean. Right. You’ve got to learn - d’ya know what a fable is, I tried to explain briefly. D’ya’know what a fable is, Karl.

karl: I’ve got a rough idea.

ricky: OK. It- it’s thing that uses sort of, uh, metaphor, analogy, to, to, to explain, sort of uh, uh, uh, morals. I mean they’re very, they’re very – very old, for a start, and it’s all th- um, let me give you an example of one. Um, uh, uhhhhhhh, oh, a quick one. One, the one about the the um, the dog with two bones, he goes uh, a dog’s got a bone, he sees his reflection in the lake, and he thinks, oh, that dog’s got a nice bone, I’ll have that. And, as he goes to get that one, in the reflection, he drops the one he’s got. And that’s one about, you know,

steve: Be happy with your lot.

karl: I think – I was told one when I was younger,

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uh, I think it was one. This young lad, he’s got a dog, right, and he sort of was about 8 years old. And this dog, he’s had it since he was about 4. And it’s a bit tired now, he chucks sticks for it and it doesn’t, it doesn’t go for it. And uh, he’s sayin’ to his mam, "Oh, I want a new dog, ‘cause this one’s useless, it doesn’t do what, you know, it doesn’t have any fun with me", "Aw, no, y’know, Rover’s a good little dog, you should look after it", and he’s like "Aw, I want a new one." So they buy him a new puppy, and it’s runnin’ around, yappin’ about, and he’s playin’ with it, in the grass, and then uh, one day, he goes to the park and he’s messin’ about and rollin’ about with it, and he falls into the lake, all right, and the little puppy’s, like yelpin’ at him, and he’s goin’, "Help me, help me!" the little dog’s yappin’, and then the old dog comes, and gets his collar, and it pulls him out of the lake. And he goes, "Oh, God, y’know, why did I forget about you, you’re the better dog", and he loved that one again rather than the puppy.

steve: I’ve got the feeling that was Lassie.

ricky: Yeah! That was an episode of Lassie!

steve: Or was it Pluto?

ricky: What’s the moral? What’s the moral there, Karl. What is that telling – what is that explaining through analogy.

karl: Sort of, don’t forget the old.

steve: Look after old people? I remember there was one I heard once, about a young boy who was trapped in a lake, inside a –

ricky and steve: A cage,

ricky: But he, he, he loved his trainers so much,

steve: Foolishly, he loved his trainers so much he wasn’t gonna get them wet,

ricky: But the water came,

steve: And even though he had to get out of there,

ricky: And even though that was the important thing, because it’s material value, he actually drowned, and the trainers were no good to him then!

karl: Starsailor.

ricky: Hives, Hates To Say I Told You So. Now, I wanna coupla, uh, clear a coupla things up. Um, obviously, me and Steve, we, we love Karl. This is not – the things we give Karl to read and talk about, it’s not to embarrass him, or stress him out at all. We genuinely like his view of the world.

steve: Yup.

ricky: In fact, we did an interview yesterday with a bloke from the Standard, who really liked the show, and said, "Do you like Karl? ‘Cause you take the piss out of him a lot." And we’d just like to say, we LOVE Karl. I said, to that bloke, "it’s like I’ve got a new kitten. I can’t wait to get in and see his little face. On Saturdays." Didn’t I?

steve: Yes.

ricky: And uh, uh, I think, I’m worried, ‘cause I thought I’d give Karl something he could really get his teeth into, with these Aesop Fables, it involves animals, and, you know, little stories, but I’ve given him a couple and he doesn’t seem to be that impressed or understand the, the concept – what.

karl: It’s just that you said that you’d bring in an animal fact book, as well. And I can’t see that anywhere.

ricky: No, well you can only read one book at a time, can’t ya.

karl: Well why didn’t you bring the other one in first?

ricky: Well, it’s big. I’ve, I’ve got to work my way up to it. I’ll probably have to get a cab, ‘cause it’s, big. Now listen, I’ll give you – give you this one – now this is an easy one. Now just think. Think, right. Think just what it means. They’re not that hidden. They’re not that cryptic. Just think what this means, OK. OK. When the hares addressed a public meetin’, and claimed that all should have fair shares, the lions answered, A good speech, hairy feet, but it lacks claws and teeth, such as we have.

karl: How would you use that?

ricky: No! What do you think that means, this is translated, from the – I don’t know – Greek or summat, I don’t know. Who was, who was Aesop. Where was he from.

steve: Greek.

ricky: Yeah. So it – it – shall I, shall I do it in my own language. OK, um, so what would happen is there’s hares, and they have a meetin’ in the jungle with like loads of lions, and go, Hey – hold on – wait a minute, I think we should all be equal and share everything, all right? And the lions go, Well, yeah, that’s easy for you to say. We’ve got claws and teeth.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What does that mean.

karl: It’s sayin’ like uh, ‘course the hares want that, ‘cause it’s better for them. The lions get nothing out of it, ‘cause they’re already king of the jungle.

ricky: That’s right. So it’s, it’s negotiating from weakness. Anyone can negotiate from strength, but negotiating from weakness, it’s your, you know, it’s, it would be lovely, it’s a lovely utopian look at the animal kingdom.

karl: But the way you said it is better than the way they, worded it.

steve: Well that, that’s because Ricky’s very much the modern Aesop.

steve: I mean many people have thought that. You know, that’s why he’s gettin’ a lot of awards, with the TV show.

ricky: Thank you.

steve: For him, that’s, that’s (can’t understand).

ricky: So here – take that home, read ones you like, and tell me about the ones you like, ones that click. I don’t care if you only come in with like one or two. Go, I’ll tell you what, Rick, that’s ama – there’s one thing I’ve learned from that. ‘Cause sometimes, you can know all these phrases, and until something happens, you don’t think, you know, everyone’s heard, you know, To um, I don’t know, To err is human; to forgive, divine. But, and then summat, you know, might happen, and you go, "Aw that, that’s what that means. That’s amazing." So, you know.

karl: Do you know any, Steve, off hand?

steve: Whit – what’s that.

karl: A fable.

steve: Uhhh, well, I would imagine that the most famous one that I’ve always remembered is the lion, the uh, the thing in its foot.

ricky: Paw.

steve: Remember that? The lion with the spike in it’s paw, and a smaller animal gets it out for it, but it still attacks it anyway.

karl: Well that’s life, innit.

steve: Well. I read one the other day, actually, which was very interesting, it was one that famous film director Orson Welles said.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: Apparently there was a, a, a bear going across a, a lake. Wading through a lake. And a scorpion said, "Let me go on your back, will ya. C’mon, just let me go on your back, we’ll go across, it’ll be brilliant." He goes, "Well no, you’ll just sting me." He goes, "Don’t be stupid. If I sting you, you’ll die, and we’ll both drown!" He goes, "All right, fair enough."

karl: Who – who was doin’ the stingin'?

ricky and steve: The scorpion.

karl: All right. OK.

steve: And the bear is wading through the water. So the scorpion jumps on the back, and they wade through the water, and halfway across, the scorpion stings the bear. The bear goes, "Well – we’re both gonna die now." He goes, "Yeah, it’s my nature."

karl: I thought he was gonna say, I can swim.

ricky: Ah! Oh, you’re the best!

karl: What’s, what’s the one about, um,

ricky: Does that mean anything to you? It’s my nature, i.e, that’s, in my nature.

karl: That’s the way it is.

ricky: That’s, that’s what I do. Yeah. I’m a scorpion. Yeah. One of my favourite ones,

steve: The- these don’t mean anything to you, do they? What I mean is, you’re not impressed by them.

karl: They’re all right,

ricky: What about this one –

karl: Why not just say, Don’t trust bears or whatever.

ricky: What?

steve: He said, Well why not just say, Don’t trust bears.

ricky: The bear’s the one that was too trustworthy. Don’t trust scorpions.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right. Here’s one of my favourite ones of all time, OK. Um, uh, a lion is dying, he’s an old lion, he’s in the front of his cave. And all the animals come round, like the foxes and the hyenas, and the, the rabbits, and they’re all takin’ the piss out of him, and they’re laughin’ at him and they’re laughin’ goin’ "You can’t bite us now", and just before he dies, he goes, "Fine. But I was a lion once." What does that mean.

karl: Don’t know.

ricky: Well he’s sayin’ .. it’s better to have lived and had what I had, ‘cause I was, I was great, if only for a short time. And you lot are still alive but, you’re nothin’. You’re rabbits and hares. I was a lion once. So – you know.

karl: Are they always usin’ animals, for these stories.

ricky: Well, I could, I could change it to fridge – refrigerators and household appliances if it would make it, help, but, animals, you know,

karl: I remember the one about bein’ ill, a lot, when you say somethin’ about uh,

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uh, you know, If you keep doin’ that, if you keep havin’ time off, I won’t believe ya.

ricky: That’s The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Is that right? Do you know that one?

steve: Have you heard the famous one, this is probably the most powerful one. When you’re pulling a face,

karl: The wind sticks,

steve: And they say, the wind changes, you’ll stay like that.

karl: I’ve heard that.

steve: You know that’s scientifically proven.

ricky: That is.

steve: That can happen.

ricky: Can happen.

steve: Should we have Hip Hop Hooray? Are you cued up for that.

karl: No. No, but go on, you uh,

steve: Karl, sort it out, mate.

karl: I was gonna,

steve: No, c’mon, this is, this is what I asked you to play, mate. You’ve not, you know, you’re gettin’ too big for your boots now, with your show-biz lifestyle.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’re not payin’ attention, are you.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’re not playin’ the records we want you to play!

ricky: Heat Magazine’s favourite.

steve: Yeah! OK, so um,

ricky: Oh, you dropped that, you’ve embarrassed yourself,

steve: [inaudible] the CD now. That was clumsy. You don’t hear the big names -

ricky: I can’t believe you don’t, aw. Fables are great.

steve: He’s not impressed, is he, Rick.

karl: No, I am – I, I mean, y’know, once I get, take this book home tonight, an’ that,

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Have a, have a read, I might change me mind on ‘em next week.

ricky: You’ll come in all stressed.

karl: I’m not impressed with the ones you, you’ve been talkin’ about, I must admit.

ricky: OK. OK. Sure.

steve: This album is by this group N.E.R.D. Who are big hip hop producers in the States.

ricky: Oh. Yeah.

steve: We played a track by them in the past, Bobby James, this album’s been re-recorded, I don’t know why exactly, with live instruments. You don’t get many R&B and hip hop records with now live instruments, so it’s pretty,

ricky: It’s all computers, innit, Steve, these days,

steve: That’s true enough!

ricky: And drum machines!

steve: And um, so there is a forthcoming single, I suspect it might be this track Rock Star, I’m not gonna play that, I’m gonna play track 2 – Things are Gonna Get Better.

ricky: New Order, Here to Stay. Sadly, we’re not here to stay, Steve, we’ve only got about 10 more minutes.

steve: That’s true enough!

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Well I think there’s just time for some interesting facts that uh, Johnny Mango, our researcher, from uh, LoseControl.com has uh, emailed us, a few familiar ones, favourite ones of yours, I think.

ricky: Go on. Any ones I don’t know?

steve: I think you know this one, don’t you – a pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

ricky: I know! And uh, a pig can’t actually look, directly up.

steve: It can’t look directly up?

ricky: [inaudible] after 30 minutes of cumming.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Steady. Be careful here.

steve: Um … that’s incredible!

ricky: Remember what happened to Tom Binns. Go on.

steve: Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

ricky: Um, bonobos do too as well, they’ve discovered. Which is a, which is a, a, a, a,

steve: Bonobo?

ricky: A chimpanzee, like a chimpanzee.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah. So it’s 3 there.

steve: I can’t believe dolphins are gettin’ more action than –

ricky: They’re all at it, now!

ricky: Dolphins gettin’ more ac—yeah! Yeah!

steve: Um, uh, polar bears are left handed.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Extraordinary. I don’t know quite how they work that out. Did they give ‘em spelling tests? Or writing tests.

ricky: Yeah, they probably just do, do, it’s probably the paw they use to hide up the black nose during a hunt.

steve: Of course. Um, some lions mate over 50 times a day.

ricky: Yeah, not, not every day of the year.

steve: OK, they don’t do that every day.

ricky: No.

steve: OK, ‘Cause again, I’m worried.

ricky: No.

steve: -- Start, ‘cause I didn’t think that dolphins –

ricky: What day of the year do you do it 50 times, is it –

ricky: It’s April, isn’t it, you like it get up there,

steve: I have a special day, yeah,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Maybe we could coincide that with the uh, balloon event.

steve: It would just me, me, quietly humping in the corner. Volunteers, welcome to email now, you know, um, and, all the proceeds go to charity.

ricky: If you are a desperate lioness.

steve: Exactly. Um, butterflies taste with their feet.

ricky: I didn’t know that.

steve: Interesting.

ricky: I didn’t know that.

steve: That is interesting.

karl: But they don’t eat much, do they, ‘cause they only live a day!

steve: Good point.

karl: They wouldn’t need to eat.

steve: Um, an ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: That’s extraordinary.

ricky: It is, yeah.

steve: Uh, uh, and the uh,

ricky: But Karl – how big are your eyes?

steve: Cruel. Finally, uh, I think we’ve discussed this before, haven’t we, a cockroach will live 9 days without its head, before it starves to death!

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, it’s only because it can’t get water and food. Yeah, it would be quite, quite happy, goin’ around, doin’ it’s normal thing,

steve: Yeah! Yeah! Pop in to work,

ricky: I mean, if you’re just as good, without your head as with your head,

steve: May as well not have a head.

ricky: I just, I don’t see the point. Well thanks, to Johnny Mango there, of uh, what’s his - website called?

steve: Uhhh…..

ricky: Who’s turned in to a sort of volunteered uh, researcher. He’s very fast.

steve: LoseControl.com. Can I just say as well, we’ve had lots of emails from different people just saying they enjoy the show and offered little tidbits and things, uh, Nick Wilson, Sarah and Lauren, Ken, Dan, Jane, she wanted some Ash,

ricky: Aw.

steve: We didn’t play Ash, never mind, Lee, Jez, Derry, there’s loads of people there.

ricky: Well, again, we’re talkin’ earlier about, you not carin’ about being like a geek, or a freak or not trendy or,

steve: All right, come on. I am trendy.

ricky: I know, yeah. And uh, I’m gonna play a bit of easy listening. I apologise to those people who tune in who still expect to um, hear 2 hours of nu-metal or Gorillaz, and this is very old-fashioned, lovely tune. Here’s Bread. I hope you enjoy it.

steve: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage …

ricky and steve: Bread.