XFM Vault - S01E18 Transcript

ricky: New Order - Here to Stay on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me...

steve: We're here to stay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Over the next 2 hours.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright.

ricky: That's Steve Merchant there.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: We've got our producer here Karl Pilkington, we'll be talking to Karl a little bit later because, erm, we've got to have his thoughts on Aesop's fables, continuing the education of Karl, and we've got some great music coming up.

steve: Bloody good music.

ricky: Little bit of err, ooh what have we got? Happy Mondays.

steve: Badly Drawn Boy.

ricky: Yeah all that, Bob Dylan.

steve: All sorts.

ricky: All sorts, coming up.

steve: Yeah, Rick I don't know I just wanted to bring your attention to this err, someone passed this onto me, it's from the Guardian's media website there's a sort of website that's dedicated to media information.

ricky: Is this about our complaint?

steve: Well, the headline is "Comedian rapped over radio innuendo".

ricky: Right.

steve: Err, Jessica Hodgson has written the article.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Are you familiar with this? Have you seen this?

ricky: Well be careful now because we actually got a complaint, a lot of people don't know this, we got a complaint upheld, and erm...

steve: Well all of this.

ricky: We're very sorry, we didn't mean to offend erm, and it was a while ago, so we are going to be very careful, Karl's getting very nervous. We're just going to read out, we're not going to editorialise Karl, we're just gonna read out what the Guardian printed about us. Alright?

karl: Hmm.

steve: "Comedian Ricky Gervais has had a dressing down from a broadcasting watchdog for his repeated use of the word "Cock" in a lunchtime radio show".

ricky: That's alright, that's what it says Karl.

steve: That's fine, this is, this is news.

ricky: He's not going to say it again. Yeah yep. Go on.

steve: Imagine this is the news and I'm reading it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "The Broadcasting Standards Commission upheld a complaint against the comedian for coarse sexual innuendo, in the program on London station Xfm. The commission acknowledge that the presenters remarks were intended to be humorous but took the view that the amount of detail of the coarse sexual innuendo had exceeded acceptable boundaries for a broadcast, said the BC, er... BSC, in a statement. The complaint objected to a sexual the comics Saturday afternoon show when he discussed the different meanings of the word "Cock", Gervais wondered aloud whether the word was acceptable when discussing birds, but not the male sexual organ. A BSC spokesman said the comedian "Went on and on about it for nearly 5 minutes". Xfm, a self-styled alternative radio station, said in its defence that its remit was to provide cutting edge programmes for a youth audience. The station said the programme's brief was to include alternative comedy within certain shows that would not fit within a more mainstream radio station format. In this particular show, it was not the presenters' intention to shock, when they took a humorous look at how the English language can be construed in different ways within different contexts. Gervais, who's big break was on Channel 4's 11'O'Clock show has shot to household status through the portrayal of David Brent, the middle manager from hell in BBC2's cult show, The Office.

ricky: Just in case you didn't know who I was talking about.

steve: Exactly. Household name, but they thought you might not.

ricky: Yeah, you might not have heard of him but he is a household name. Now, erm, that's good, that's good reporting quite right about it and just to remind people it was when Steve said, the only erm, err, bird that hasn't got a penis is the swan and I went on about the male bird being called a cock, but I couldn't use that to mean a you know. It was childish. But, what annoys me is I'm sure I've heard things on like Radio 1 like that. What's her, wasser name err, in the morning? Sarah?

steve: Err... Cox.

ricky: Yeah. And err, there's a DJ like Carl, erm.

steve: Err, Cox?

ricky: Yeah, so you've got... Karl? What's the matter? I was just saying, just saying there's a pair of DJs on, you know.

karl: Yeah, but we've done this.

ricky: And err.

steve: But, what're you talking about, we're just talking about.

ricky: Names! They're just saying their names. Now, I love Cox in the morning.

steve: You're a big fan of Cox.

karl: Aww.

ricky: And at night! What's the matter with you?

steve: Come on, Karl. Alright? We've taken it, we've been. Have you actually been rapped over this?

ricky: No, I don't know what that means.

steve: Have you had a dressing down?

ricky: No.

steve: When did that happen?

ricky: I don't know it was.

karl: I was meant to tell yer, and I never got round to it, but.

steve: Okay, thanks then.

karl: Don't do it again.

ricky: Kinky Afro, on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Ho ho.

ricky: Can I just add that.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Just in case you don't know what the frequency is.

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: Err, why do they say that? Is it so you go "I tell you what, I like that radio station, and it was".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "And it was, Xfm 104.9".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "I'll listen to that again".

steve: You'll listen to that, you can re-tune.

ricky: Yep.

steve: I was wondering actually, Rick.

ricky: Stay locked up this end of the dial!

steve: True enough. Erm I was wondering, cos obviously you know we, we're still trying to campaign to get Karl into the air.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Err, with the balloon enterprise, and obviously work's being done on that, don't fret, don't worry, lot of people were asking for an update but, you know obviously we'll let you know when it's all going to take place.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But I was wondering whether.

ricky: These things take time.

steve: Exactly, but I was wondering whether we should also have another kind of campaign, some kind of campaign, maybe one that could involve you Rick.

ricky: Aww.

steve: No cos I'm obviously, I'm particularly concerned Karl, I don't know how familiar you are with this, with Ricky's eating habits.

karl: Mmm.

steve: Because, he just, he eats so unhealthily, it scares...

ricky: No, I.

steve: No come on Rick, don't give me this.

ricky: I'm getting better now.

steve: No you're not getting better.

ricky: I have a smoothie everyday.

steve: Yeah but, I've told you before, that's largely sugar.

ricky: No, a home-made one.

steve: I don't care Rick, that's not enough. It can't counteract right, this is his idea. This is Ricky Gervais' idea of healthy eating right, we'll be in the canteen at the BBC, he'll go "I'm going to eat healthy today" which means he'll have two slices of pizza instead of, pizza and chips. That's basically the, that's his theory right? And it's like, it, I don't know what, cos he can't eat which is kind of, which is, which basically doesn't sting the roof of his mouth.

steve: With flavour. So like for instance, he's always got headaches, he's always got headache, and I go that's because you don't, you just drink coffee and Coke, you never drink water, your body is de-hydrated, and I said to him, drink a glass of water. "No, boring".

steve: "It's boring, water". I don't know if we were in the desert stranded, boring. "Boring Steve, I'll wait until the next café".

steve: Right, and sometimes he'll go like "oh let's have, I'll have a salad" right? And he'll get like a feta cheese salad right? And he'll eat, the little bits of feta cheese, leave the salad. Then he goes downstairs and goes "I'm still hungry, it didn't fill me up that salad". I go "No what didn't fill you up was the 200 milligrams of goat's cheese you ate".

steve: "That's what didn't fill you up". So I just, there should be a campaign, I don't know whether I can observe it, people could sponsor him, something, just eat healthy, we could do it with some kind of big charity.

ricky: So I'll eat fruit.

steve: I don't think the fruit's the issue.

ricky: As long as you mash it, I'll eat anything that's been mashed.

steve: I'm not saying that you don't eat a certain amount of fruit. I'm saying that everything else you eat is unbalanced and it's just rich with fat, and it's awful.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's sausages, it's beans, you're such working class scum aren't you?

steve: It's the smell of chip-fat, is all around you do you know what I mean, it's like. Even when you can't smell it, you know it's there seeping through his veins. I imagine when he was growing up it was just chip-fat.

ricky: It was.

steve: In the house, just a big...

ricky: It was.

steve: On a constantly boiling...

ricky: It was always, there was always chips on.

steve: Exactly, do you want Weetabix in the morning, deep fat fry that.

steve: Such scum, and now it's like "oh yeah my palate, I can't eat anything, it's got no flavour", everything's gotta have cheese on it. Sprinkling on parmesan cheese. More parmesan cheese, and if someone like, doesn't like give him a whole tub of parmesan cheese when you're in a restaurant even though he's ordered like a lobster or whatever.

steve: He's like, he sort of has a go at the waiter or like, not to their face obviously, because he's too much of a coward but he'll say to me, "oh he didn't leave the cheese", "didn't give me any cheese", "so cheap with the cheese." He just gave you 3 bucketful's. "Ah just cheese, more cheese here!"

steve: It's pathetic.

ricky: Oh god.

steve: I just think we should do something, cos I'm panicked, I'm worried, I'm worried about your health.

ricky: I've started working out a little bit, I sort of work out twice or three times.

steve: I don't think that's gonna counteract it Rick.

ricky: And I drink water through the night when I wake up de-hydrated.

steve: From all the booze you've just drunk.

ricky: Yeah, and err, I have a smoothie in the morning don't I?

steve: I don't, I, you know what my views are on the smoothies, I don't think that's counteracting.

ricky: You're anti-smoothie, you're anti-smoothie.

steve: Well I don't think it's counteracting all the other problems.

ricky: You have got a problem.

ricky: Nothing wrong with a smoothie.

steve: Right fine well okay, if you're happy to carry on as you are.

ricky: Yeah go on.

steve: Erm, Badly Drawn Boy, obviously.

ricky: Lovin' it.

steve: He has done the soundtrack to this new film, err 'About A Boy'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which has got Hugh Grant in it, and obviously err, this current single err what's it called? The one that's out? Silent Sigh, and that's coming, obviously that's being played on Xfm, but this is another track from this album, which is the soundtrack, lots of kind of, little bits of filler, little bits of musical instrumental stuff, but all of it's very nice. This is a cracking tune, track 3, Something to Talk about.

ricky: Lovely.

steve: Yeah, good tune that I think, err, Sarah and Lauren have e-mailed in, they said they wanted something from Elliot Smith or maybe Jimmy Webb, that's actually produced by the producer of Elliot Smith.

ricky: I haven't brought any Jimmy Webb in today, I'm afraid.

steve: No, maybe play that next time.

ricky: I'll play some next- yeah, next week.

steve: That's Badly Drawn Boy there from the err soundtrack to the film "About a Boy", and that's called err Something To Talk About.

ricky: We've only got the stuff in the library, do they want 4 Non-Blondes?.

steve: Ha ha.

ricky: We've got that in the library haven't we?.

steve: The best of Toni Basil.

ricky: And we've got erm just about every song that INXS have ever recorded.

steve: Exactly, we don't play enough INXS do we?.

ricky: I don't think we do, do we? No! I can't believe it. Erm, Xfm 104.9, coming up White Van Man, White Van Karl.

steve: White Van Karl. I was obviously out last night with Karl, maybe you didn't realise this.

ricky: Oh yeah?.

steve: Cos we went out. Err, what's the name of that evening?.

karl: Market place, Extra-Curricular.

steve: Extra-Curricular yeah, various Xfm DJ's go down there and just play an eclectic mix.

ricky: Spin some tunes.

steve: Exactly, and I'm thinking of doing it in a couple of weeks Rick, and obviously you know my turntablist skills now are pretty...

ricky: Yep yep.

steve: Something to behold.

ricky: Yep yep yep yep.

steve: And erm, err, tell you this what, I did an amazing mix the other day with my friend Dan, we spent 2 and a half hours on it, this is how we spend our evenings now. 2 and a half hours mixing from a trip-hop sort of art, sort of hip-hop style beat into err Arthur's Theme by Christopher Cross.

ricky: Great tune.

steve: "When you get caught between the moon and New York City".

ricky: Written by 4 people.

steve: 4 people yeah.

ricky: Bacharach, Carole Bayer Sager, Christopher Cross and a fourth one. Phone in.

steve: If you know that.

ricky: Maybe we should. So who knows the fourth person credited on that tune.

steve: Give a prize.

ricky: 08700 800 1234. Also, I want someone else to phone in right, I saw a an advert right, one of those ads, toys, cos it's Easter holidays or something.

steve: Right.

ricky: And I was watching it the other day, and there's one of those Transformer type things, and it goes "In its shield!" It strikes and then goes into its shield, and it goes into a little pod, and I'm sure it was called a "bo-lock".

steve: Right.

ricky: Now, I must've misheard it, there's no way you can call a little kids toy a "bo-lock", so can you phone in. I'm quite willing to be wrong, it would be very disappointing but you know, are people making little bo-locks, for kids?.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 08700 800 1234. And what was the other question?.

steve: Was there another? Oh the other question was who err was the fourth person that wrote Arthur's Theme.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky and steve: "When you get caught between the moon and New York City", "Crazy but it's true".

steve: "The only thing you can do is fall in love", Karl. I was out with Karl last night obviously, party animal you know he's hanging out with some of my friends, you enjoyed yourself didn't you Karl?.

karl: It was alright.

steve: But you were err a bit worried about Jennifer Lopez weren't you?.

karl: Yeah.

steve: What was the concern?.

karl: Erm, I don't really know what's going on in the pop world, erm.

ricky: You, you're joking.

karl: No.

ricky: Go on.

karl: And erm, I was here in the toilets right? And I 'eard it being played out on the speaker, and I heard the DJ go err "There you go that's err Left-Eye Lopez there".

ricky: That's not.

karl: And I thought it's Jennifer Lopez.

ricky: No, it's the, little one.

karl: I thought she had some sort of eye injury.

ricky: You thought he was breaking the news.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Of Jennifer Lopez losing an eye, by calling her Left-Eye Lopez.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's genius.

steve: Don't worry, we put him right, he's okay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He slept easy.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But you were worried for a while weren't you? You were anxious for a while.

karl: I, I had no idea, and the thing is, I heard that on Thursday, so for like 3 days I've been thinking, "why's she called that?"

steve: You been panicking.

karl: Cos she's changed her name before hasn't she, to Jay-Lo or something.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So I thought you know, has she got some people after her, does she owe someone money, keep changing her name.

ricky: Yeah, "That was One-Eye Gabrielle, and Rise".

steve: Anyway, more music Rick?

ricky: Oh I'd love to.

steve: What've you got lined up there Karl?

karl: Beta Band?

ricky: Oh yeah yeah yea yea yeah sweet sweet sweet sweet.

steve: Total respect to that.

ricky: Yea yea yea yea.

steve: Massive respect to that.

ricky: Yea yea yea yea yea.

steve: No no, due due due yeah.

ricky: Yea yea yea yea yea yea yea.

steve: Huge respect.

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club there, Spread Your Love, on Xfm 104. I'm loving this Steve it's a lovely day.

steve: We're playing some great music.

ricky: We're playing some great tunes aren't we?

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: We're gonna have some great chat.

steve: Yeah yeah.

ricky: So er, let's carry on, let's continue.

steve: Well absolutely. Now obviously Karl went out with me last night, and he saw that I'm, well you know, he's knows that I'm a ladies man and that was obvious Karl. You could see vibe around me couldn't you?

karl: Mmm.

steve: You know, when the chicks were talking to me. And err, just remembered recently actually, was on a train coming back from err hometown Bristol, and, I was on the train and err this girl walks on, good looking girl. And I thought "aye up", largely empty carriage, I'm thinking my lucks in. You know, cos I take every opportunity Karl, that's the thing about me, you know I don't, don't I don't choose. Good looking girl, she sat down, I thought, she was sat down right near me, I thought brilliant, and there's this guy, a guy comes up right behind her right. And I think, it's probably her boyfriend or something, sits down next to her. And I listen in on the conversation obviously because I'm pretending to read, it was a very clever, I read the same page for hours, I was pretending to listen, I was listening but pretending to read. And erm, I realised that it's not her boyfriend or anything, it's just some guy she's met on the platform. And I'm thinking, brilliant, if she's the kind of girl who's just gonna start talking to someone, you know, on a platform, on a train, brilliant, I'm gonna be in here. Cos he was only going one stop, so I'm thinking, what's the worst that can happen? He'll nick off, you know, I'll get chatting to her, you know and err who knows, join the, what's the, is there a train equivalent?

ricky: The foot high club.

steve: The foot high club, brilliant. And er, so I'm excited, you know I'm listening in. And er, they're talking and it turns out that they're both kind of graduates, both just finished university, or they're just, just coming to their finals or something. And they're chatting away you know, and he's making a couple of witticisms, you know, and she's kind of tittering at his jokes. I'm thinking well I'll tell you this, if she's laughing at his kind of material, I am going to blow her away you know with my kind of anecdotes and wry observations you know.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It was weak stuff, I gotta be honest.

ricky: Really?

steve: He was coming out with nothing.

ricky: Yeah

steve: He was running on empty as far as I'm concerned.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And she was loving it, so I'm thinking brilliant I'm going to be right in here, and then they get moving onto higher brow things, you know and erm. I think she was gonna study like Marxism or something like that, and, or communism or something, and err she was asking him you know, by way of conversation, she was asking him what he knew about Marxism you know.

ricky: Right.

steve: And he was fumbling for some, his vague knowledge of it that he had in his life.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But I'm just sat there thinking "yeah come on love, in any given capitalist environment the proletariat will revolt against the repression..."

ricky: Well.

steve: "...of the bourgeoisie, after a brief period of socialist rule emerges in a classless society governed by the community corporation."

ricky: Well if that sort of talk wouldn't get a woman hot, I don't know.

steve: Come on Rick!

ricky: I don't know what you'd use then to.

steve: If Marx and Engels is not gonna get a woman sweaty down below.

ricky: I know.

steve: Then nothing is, then my name is not Steve Merchant.

ricky: You were just biding your time yeah?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah yea yea yea.

steve: I thought I'm just going to go in for the kill any minute. So erm, so anyway err, anyway, it comes to his stop right, he gets out. I'm thinking this is, this is a piece of cake. And he gets off and off he goes, he walks off. And I'm thinking brilliant, and I thought I'll wait, you know I'll wait until the train's pulled away, I'm not going to leap in straight away.

ricky: No.

steve: And err, he comes back on the carriage. I'm thinking hang on a minute. He goes er "Listen, do you mind if a give you my e-mail address?".

ricky: Awww.

steve: Right, and err "If you want to get in touch, e-mail me". I thinking "come on you loser get off now, save your face. Please."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Before it gets too embarassing, she accepts the e-mail address because she obviously doesn't want to hurt his feelings or whatever, I'm thinking fair enough, she's a good woman, I'm liking her, I'm lovin' her I'm thinking that's my kind of girl. So anyway erm, he gets off. I'm sat there and the train pulls away, I'm thinking, I'll wait a few minutes, you know just give her some time. Her phone rings. It's her friend on the phone, and err, she starts talking. And I was listening in, and she was going, "Yeah just met a guy on the train". I'm thinking, "Yeah that's true enough." She goes, "Yeah he was a good looking guy". I thought, "You're havin' a laugh, love."

steve: To be honest, because I was looking at him, and she said, she said to her friend, "He looks a bit like tennis player Boris Becker". I thought, "Well, you should be so lucky, frankly", cos I saw him. He had awful facial hair if that's what makes him look like Boris Becker, terrible little goatee beard, it was laughable.

steve: I thought you, I don't know, and then she goes, she goes, the thing is, "Yeah I met him we got chatting and stuff" and she was going, "It's not often that erm, it's not often that you meet someone you know, generally in life who's you know, kind of thoughtful, and intelligent, and funny". And I thought to myself, "I'm not even going to waste my time with you, love..."

steve: "...frankly if that's what you thought of him."

ricky: You just walked away.

steve: Yeah and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even bother talking to her.

ricky: No, you're just above it. If she thinks that bloke not only is great looking.

steve: Didn't even waste my time with her, Rick. If she thinks that bloke is funny...

ricky: Funny and intelligent, and she got on well and he was polite, and it was a chance meeting, and he thought, and she thought that you were like a freaky looking dork who didn't even have the nerve to speak.

steve: Exactly. If that is what she...

ricky: If that is what she thinks!

steve: ...was thinking. Then I don't want to know about it!

ricky: Then she's not, I couldn't, you walked away and good luck to yer!

steve: And I have my dignity intact!

ricky: Yes, and she's nothing!

ricky: Travis, Flowers in the Window on Xfm 104.9. Well, comin’ to that time where we do White Van Man.

steve: Absolutely. With producer Karl.

ricky: And uh, Karl’s gonna also be uh, telling us, uh, his, his slant on fables. On Aesop.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Um, I was out with Karl – I know I’m, shouldn’t be.

steve: Well, I broke the rule as well last night.

ricky: I know. I was out with him before, I think. And uh, we were just chattin’, and um, as you know uh, we’re uh, we’re going to Edinburgh. Uh, for a week.

steve: Yeah, that’s all 3 of us.

ricky: That’s all 3 of us, yeah.

steve: It wasn’t – I just wondered for a minute there if there was some arrangement you two had made.

ricky: No!

steve: Like next weekend, just popping up there, seeing the sights.

ricky: Yeah. No, we’re gonna do a week’s broadcasting from the Edinburgh Festival. And uh, you know, and Karl’s goin’, "I bet you lie in, don’t you?", and all this, and I was goin’, "Well yeah." He wants to be up at half nine and out lookin’ at the sights!

steve: God!

ricky: You know what I mean? Yeah. But anyway, I said uh, "Have you ever had haggis?" He went, "It’s black puddin’, innit?" I went, "No, it’s uh, uh, it’s mince." He went, "I like mince." I went, "Yeah, but wait. It’s mince, in a sheep’s stomach. All right?" And he went, (sighs) "What, they force-feed a sheep, then kill it?"

ricky: Imagine that, Karl.

karl: It makes sense though, dunnit.

ricky: No, it doesn’t make sense. They force-feed a sheep mince, and then kill it. So it’s stomach’s nice and full, and they go, "Och, this one’s full, kill it, before it starts digestin’ it!" Course they don’t. It’s a membrane, they’ve – and the other one, he was talkin’ about like, um, he likes Richmond Park. He goes, "I like to see all the deers." I went, "it’s deers plural, you don’t need to say, deers." I try and educate him whenever I can –

steve: What’s that one? That deer is already plural.

ricky: Yeah, deer is plur – I said, you know, like, sheep or, or fish, though you can say fishes. And uh, and uh, we said, "Do you know the um, plural of uh, mongoose?" Because a lot of people think it would be mongeese. It’s not. It’s mongooses. Do you know what Karl said?

steve: Plural of mongoose.

ricky: Plural of mongoose. Yes.

steve: Plural of mongoose?

ricky: It’s worth a competition. No it’s not, no.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Karl, what did you think the plural of mongoose was.

karl: Mongs.

ricky: Play a record. After this, White Van Man.

karl: Do you want to play, uh,

ricky: Aw, let’s play a bit of Dylan, yeah. Um, this is – this is a, a, a beautiful track. It’s uh, Just Like a Woman.

ricky: Well, I think that’s a beautiful, record, uh, It’s by Bob Dylan, Just Like a Woman. And, Karl went, he’s got his headphones on, so he’s speakin’ a bit loud,

steve: The harmonica’s playin’,

ricky: In, in, in a whiny manc accent, when the harmonica’s playin’, That’s an annoying sound that, innit!

ricky: God.

steve: Oh, bless him.

ricky: Bob Dylan. An annoying sound, there!

karl: Did you hear, about...

steve: The Annoying Sound of Bob Dylan! Can be a new album!

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Just, just that sort of sound always reminds me of, uh, a one man band.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Have you heard the story about Leo Sayer, with his song One Man Band?

ricky: No.

karl: Years ago, what – what year was uh … Oh God.

steve: I’m in the Mood for Dancing?

ricky: I’m A One Man Band, it was called.

karl: Right.

ricky: Funnily enough. Go on.

karl: He did that, One Man Band, and he was playin’ it, at the Dominion Theatre,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And apparently, whenever he played and sort of sang this song, he got the audience involved, and the line in it was,

karl: "I’m a one man band"

ricky: "Nobody knows or understands, is there anyone there who can lend me a hand, to my one man band."

karl: Right. That, and what he used to do, he used to reach out,

ricky: Oh yeah,

karl: And grab people’s hands, and then he’d walk down middle. Anyway. He said, "will anyone lend me a hand", and stuck his hand out, grabbed like a hand, and was walkin’ down, everyone looked horrified, and some woman, who had like a plastic hand, had come off.

karl: And he was walkin’ down the middle of like Dominion Theatre with this plastic hand in his hand. And he said, "Aw. That’s a moment I won’t forget."

steve: He knows how to tell a story, Leo Sayer.

ricky: Right! Well it’s time for White Van Man. This is where we ask Karl the questions that The Sun asks someone else.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It’s an article in there where they ask some, you know, typical man on the street the uh, the big questions of the day, uh, gives 'em their platform, to the nation, and we think this is just too good to – I mean, we only care about one person's opinion, in the country now.

steve: That’s true enough, it’s the K-Man, and there he is.

ricky: There he is. Right.

steve: Karl, your thoughts, please, on, Kylie Minogue slagging off Britney Spears for ignoring her fans at her premiere. Are you aware of that story?

karl: No, go on.

steve: She got boo-d at her, uh, premiere of her new film, Britney, 'cause she um, she left her fans waiting for like an hour, some of 'em had travelled up from Bristol, other parts of the country,

ricky: 3000 of 'em.

steve: Loads of them screaming for her, she just went straight into the theatre, an hour late, just gave 'em a quick wave and straight in, didn’t even bother to shake their hands,

ricky: All cryin’, and slaggin’ her off,

steve: Sign any autographs, so they were boo-ing,

ricky: What d’you think of that, Karl?

steve: And Kylie’s obviously said that was obviously outrageous, ya’know, and uh, you should treat your fans with respect. What d’you make of it?

karl: Um… so she did wave.

steve: Yeah, but literally as she was walking into the theatre.

karl: Was it rainin’?

steve: No, I don’t think it was.

karl: Uhh,

ricky: He’s like a defense lawyer!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Who hasn’t really read the brief!

steve: Exactly! He’s just wingin’ it!

ricky: Judge [inaudible] "is it rainin’? No? Aw, shit, I was relyin’ on that, um..."

karl: Was she running late for the start of the film.

steve: Yes! But that’s her own fault! I mean, the people are inside. They’re not gonna start the film without her. It’s Britney Spears. She could take some time out. You know, when Tom Cruise came here, he spent like an hour and a half, shaking people’s hands, talking to people on their mobile phones, all sorts. That’s Tom Cruise. He’s a bigger name than Britney.

karl: I know but,

ricky: Smaller person, but he’s a bigger name.

karl: What – what do people want, from people. Do you know’t I mean?

steve: An autograph! Things like that! A photo!

ricky: This one’s goin’ nowhere, Steve. Is there another one?

steve: OK. Fair enough.

karl: I thought, Yeah, you know, it’s not bad. If she had more time, she might have done it, on another day, I mean, I’m not feelin’ too good today.

steve: But you’re gonna still take time out to sign people’s autographs, surely, when you leave the building!

ricky: Yeah, there’s always a bit of a crowd, in’t there!

karl: Next.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Uh, what do you make of uh, New York’s, New York’s ex-police chief saying we need more bobbies on the beat. He’s come over here, he’s the guy that sorted out crime in New York City, he’s come over here, he’s said You’re goin’ all over the place here, more bobbies on the beat, more policemen, or, a visible police presence,

karl: There was, there was something last week about, some, some copper, in London, who was sat on, sat on a bench. Uhhh, and he was asleep. Or summing. And people were like outraged because like, He should be lookin’ after like, England’s people, not noddin’ off on a park bench. Which is a bit daft because,

ricky: They were shoutin’, "He should be lookin’ after England’s people!"

steve: Yeah! "You should be looking after England’s people!"

ricky: Hey, was this the 16th century you went back to? What do you mean "you should look after England’s people!"

karl: You know, wherever he was, if he was like in a park somewhere, they were like, really annoyed, 'cause he was asleep.

ricky: Sure. He prob’ly be undercover.

karl: No, but the thing is, if there would have been any trouble, I’m sure he would have woke up.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If there was any sort of, if someone needed help, and they screamed, he would have woke up. So I don’t know why they were 'avin’ a go at him.

ricky: Yeah? And he might, he might not have been there at all, so, you know, he was, he probably have his radio turned on, didn’t he. Listening to Heart.

steve: So you’re not concerned then that there’s not, that the, the crime’s goin’ up,

karl: I think there’s enough. I see quite a lot of 'em whizzin’ around.

steve: OK. You’re happy then.

karl: Yeah.

steve: As long as you’re happy, Karl.

ricky: You don’t think there’s too much crime.

karl: No.

ricky: Just the right amount. Just the right amount of crime.

karl: Yep.

steve: What about the fact that new gambling laws give Blackpool the green light to become a British Las Vegas. What do you make of that. Are you a gambler?

karl: Little bit, when I go on holiday, like goin’ in the arcade, and havin’ a little flutter.

steve: Sure.

ricky: What’s your favourite?

karl: Uh, I have a go on the, the fruit machines,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There’s a good one, called The Simpsons.

steve: Right.

ricky: Is that your favourite?

karl: Yeah, it’s quite good.

steve: Is that a tie-in with the TV show The Simpsons?

karl: Yeah.

steve: OK.

karl: Um, will they make Blackpool the next Vegas. I don’t think so.

ricky: No,

karl: I don’t see it happening.

ricky: No. You been to Blackpool?

karl: Yep.

ricky: What – what’s it, what’s it, anything,

karl: It’s a, it’s a bit rank.

ricky: Is it?

karl: It is a bit rough. Needs a, needs a lot of work doin’ on it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Uh, no, that won’t happen.

ricky: OK.

steve: And you’re not worried about this encouraging gambling? Generally? Gambling’s not a vice you’re concerned about.

karl: Uhh .. if you’re a gambler, you’re a gambler, do you know’t I mean.

steve: Yep.

karl: Blackpool isn’t done up, they’ll go somewhere else to have a flutter.

ricky: Sure.

karl: So, it’s not gonna make any difference.

ricky: Sure.

steve: OK. OK. Jolly good. Uh, what do you make of the So Solid Crew’s Ashley Walters being jailed for 18 months. Obviously not a very good example to his young fans.

karl: He shoulda got more.

steve: Do you think?

karl: I had a dream about him the other night.

steve: Go on.

karl: About, about the group itself.

steve: OK.

karl: I had a dream that –

steve: Were they all there? 'Cause there’s a lot of 'em. I couldn’t remember all their faces, to feature in a dream.

karl: Uh, I had a T-shirt on.

ricky: He had etcetera.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He had (two?) but then had had etcetra.

karl: I had a T-shirt on,

steve: You had a T-shirt on?

karl: Yeah, and it said on the T-shirt, So Solid Poo. And I was walkin’ down the street, and they came towards me.

steve: Wow!

karl: They were just about to beat me up and -

ricky: That’s a great dream!

steve: That’s amazing! I love that that’s,

ricky: For a 30 year old –

steve: We’ve all had that anxiety dream!

steve: Oh my goodness, what if I meet the So Solid Crew and I’m wearing a T-shirt that slags them off!

ricky: I don’t believe it – yeah – you know, yeah.

steve: So what happened? Did you get beaten up, in the dream?

karl: It was one a’ them where, I woke up. D’ya’know how I’ve been tellin’ you that I keep gettin’ them things, where you feel like you’re falling.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: It was the same sort of thing, it’s like,

ricky: You know I’m not a real psychiatrist,

karl: Yeah, but you do know a lot about a lot.

ricky: Yeah, I do. Thanks very much.

karl: And you know, if I’m at home, talkin’ to Suzanne about something and, and I don’t the answer, I think, Aw, I’ll ask Ricky that, and we’ll see.

ricky: Thanks.

steve: But you know that, I think you might have mentioned it before, that apparently if you die in a dream, it means that you’re dying in real life.

karl: Yeah, yeah, well that’s it. If you don’t, uh,

steve: But apparently if you get beaten up by the So Solid Crew in a dream, it means you’re being beaten up by them in real life.

ricky: Yeah! That is true!

steve: (can’t understand) pummel in your face.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Terrifying! Absolutely terrifying.

karl: So yeah, lock him up for longer.

steve: OK. Finally, what’d you make of Halle Berry, becoming the first black woman to win the Best Actress Oscar? Did you see her speech?

karl: Oh, got on me nerves.

steve: Did it.

karl: I mean, y’know, it is good that she won. It’s nice for anyone to win an award.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, she did go on a bit. And, you know, I, I’ve been in that same, sort of position,

steve: What? Claiming an Oscar?

karl: Well I got um, what I used to do at school,

steve: OK.

karl: If you did a full month, without bein’ off, you got a gold certificate.

steve: OK.

karl: And I did a month once, without havin’ a day off.

steve: Sure.

karl: And I went up, and I didn’t, I didn’t do – make a fuss,

steve: You didn’t start crying.

ricky: Play it – Karl, play a record, mate.

steve: Well done though. Were you the first kid in your school to do that?

karl: I don’t think anyone else got the certificate, it was only 'cause I was never in, they tried to encourage me to –

steve: It was just for you! They mounted it an entire ceremony just to encourage you!

ricky: The Karl Award!

ricky: Wise words there, from Belle and Sebastian!

ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. All right, Steve.

steve: Well, I mean, it is indeed wise words, Rick. I’m worried that people are gonna get out of the office now, into the sunshine, and not be listening to the show!

ricky: There’s always the transistor radio.

steve: That’s true enough!

ricky: Uhh….. It is time.

steve: Keep it low, though. Don’t want to irritate other people.

ricky: No, I know. Yeah yeah yeah. Uh, and if you do want to irritate 'em, spit on 'em. It’s better.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Um, kick 'em and throw little rocks.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: With me, Karl, K-Man Pilkington. We are now, we’re into this, way into the second month of The Education of Karl. As you know, Karl got 1 GCSE, in History, an E. And uh, we’ve been uh, we’ve been cramming, haven’t we.

steve: Oh Rick, before you mention that, can I just say something.

ricky: Go on.

steve: We do, obviously we do this thing with The Sun, White Van Man, where we query, uh, Karl. And we were out with some friends last night and my friend Dan always listens to the show, and he said, um, "Karl, you know, I love the bit when you answer questions in The Sun. Why .. do, do you ever know what the questions are before, they’re asked, or is that your first answer?" And uh, Karl said, "No, that is it, they don’t let me see what the questions are first, they don’t show them to me, and that always get, I always get really anxious and really paranoid." And I’m just wondering, have you seen the error there, Karl. Have you seen the mistake you’ve been making? Right? You’re worried, you’re worried that you didn’t get the questions beforehand, right.

ricky: How could you, how could you,

steve: How could you maybe combat that, do you think.

ricky: How could you combat that, if you were really nervous, you know, comin’ up to like,

steve: Maybe you wanted to sort of have some views or ideas beforehand,

karl: Well, it’s it’s, it’s your error, innit. D’ya’know’t I mean. It’s your show. If uh, if you want to like, take a chance with me.

steve: That’s not the point.

ricky: Nonononono. His point is this: if you were really worried about that, how could you, how could you get hold of those questions in advance. Is there any way you could get hold of those questions on advance.

karl: Yeah, but, is it always in – in today’s. Is it always in Saturday’s.

steve: Yes.

karl: So they don’t do that every day of the week.

steve: They do, but I always take it from this Saturday’s.

karl: Right. Yeah, I could. But that would cost me money. I’m not on enough as it is,

steve: Sure.

karl: Workin’ here on a Saturday.

steve: OK.

karl: How much is The Sun?

steve: 30p.

karl: Yeah, well.

steve: You’re not made of money.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: I understand.

ricky: Yeah. Um,

steve: Actually, it’s 40p on a Saturday. I don’t know what I was thinking.

ricky: Well, you were studying Aesop’s Fables, weren’t you, this week. Now uh, I’ve, I’m gonna very, be very liberal here, and let you talk about 'em. I’m not gonna – it’s not a test, I’m not, hey man, just like chill out. I’m not this like rigid, sort of, you know, uh, boxing society, just, just tell us your views. Just tell us your vibe on Aesop. Tell us something. What have you learned, from his fables.

karl: He uhh, made a bit of money out of something that’s quite simple. Uh,

ricky: I don’t know if he did make any money out of it. I mean – it – you know – I think it was published like thousands of years after his death, but go on.

karl: Yeah. They’re just, just little stories. I mean, enjoyed 'em,

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Didn’t really learn anything from 'em.

ricky: Or did, or did you, you see. 'Cause it’s teaching through sort of like metaphor and analogy, and maybe, it all seeps in and it’s all subliminal, and maybe, in a way, your subconscious is teaching you,

karl: No, it’s silly -

steve: No, it’s silly, Rick. It is silly.

karl: If, if the stories were done in like a real way, that there’s like a, a man and a woman, and, and it’s little stories that something happened to them in life, then you learn something. But it’s all about, you know, a gorilla and a fox are walkin’ through the woods. How often does that happen?

steve: Sure. So you’re saying if it was more, like, kind of,

karl: If it was more true to life,

steve: [inaudible] you, maybe, [inaudible]

ricky: If it was more like real stories like, you know, a kid on his Grifter and a magpie pickin’, you know, peckin’ at his head. Or two frog boys with webbed hands. I mean if it was real stories from real life.

steve: That people could believe!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Actually happened!

ricky: Maybe, it would, you know, teach you something.

karl: But why not do that, like take a real situation. Say like the So Sold Crew guy,

steve: Yes.

karl: Going down for carrying a gun. Use that in some way. D’ya’know’t I mean.

steve: As a warning maybe about carrying guns?

ricky: What about something like, if you carry guns and that is illegal, you, you could have some sort of punishment.

karl: Yeah, that’s,

ricky: Good.

steve: It doesn’t bother you then that the fact that these fables have been used for many many generations, to educate maybe young children, or even older people. The fact that they’ve served a brilliant function and they’ve become classics, that doesn’t bother you? You’ve seen through them?

karl: Well, they don’t always work!

steve: OK.

karl: Um, when I was out with Rick the other day, he, brought one up.

ricky: Oh, I told him the one about the uh, the, the two mice. The Industrious Mouse, who, throughout the summer, he would be storin’ berries, nuts and berries, to be storin’ it, and the other mouse would just be eatin’ off the trees and runnin’ around and havin’ a laugh, and they go, You’re gonna be hungry, and he went, Oh, I’ll worry about that when it comes to it. And they’d do that, and he’d be storin’ his nuts and berries and autumn came, and the mouse was still, playin’, and not doin’ anything, and then, when winter came, and the, and the silly mouse was like shiverin’, and he went and knocked on the mouse’s door, and went, I’m freezin’ and I’m starvin’. And the, and the, clever mouse said, Well I told you, didn’t I. You know, you should’ve been storin’ your nuts through like I did, come in and share mine. You know. And uh, what did you say, Karl?

karl: Well, and the moral of that is, whatever. Uh,

ricky: Well, yeah, you know, sort of uh, just be careful. My thing is that it’s not very good because the moral of that is, Do what you want and there’s always a do-gooder to share their’s.

steve: (can’t understand) Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, but the way I, you know, I think, which is more 2002. The endin’ should have been, uh, you know, the guy with all the berries, should’ve like, been like, Ah, I’ll be all right, come the winter. I’ve got loads of food. I’ll be safe. But then, as he’s goin’ in to his little hut, at the beginning of the winter, some sort of bus or something comes and kills him. And it’s like,

steve: You should’ve partied hard, 'cause you might die!

karl: Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy life whilst you’ve got it.

steve: Yeah. And if winter comes, just starve to death!

karl: Well, you know. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

steve: OK. OK.

karl: That’s my (can’t understand)

steve: See, I’m wondering if there’s a new book here. I really am wondering if there’s a Karl’s Fables,

ricky: He’s been comin’ out with some all week! He keeps goin’, Well that’s a fable, innit.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: So, what’s your favourite fable in there. Have you learnt anything from this book. J- get - you know, is there one fable you liked.

karl: Yeah,

ricky: What did you like?

karl: I mean they’re all, they’re all all right,

ricky: What did you like?

karl: Uh, you’ve thrown it on me now, there.

ricky: Didn’t you like one about a crab, you said.

karl: No, that was the one about messin’ about on a cliff edge or something. Don’t mess about on a cliff edge.

ricky: What was that?

karl: I dunno. There’s not many around here, so I didn’t take much interest in that one.

karl: You know’t I mean? Um,

ricky: I’m doing my best here. I’m trying.

steve: You don’t remember any of them?

karl: Here’s one – here’s one that was quite nice. Uh, there was a belly, you know like your stomach,

steve: Yeah.

karl: And, uh, and there’s this belly on a pair of legs. And the legs were sayin’, I’m more important than you, 'cause I carry. I carry you around. And the belly said, Yeah, but, you know, if it weren’t for me, 'olding all this food, you wouldn’t have the energy to walk around.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And, that means like, you know, rather than workin’ on your own, it’s best to work in a team!

ricky: Yeah. Good.

karl: So,

ricky: Well, the one, the one similar to that, that I was taught when I was little was um, um, a vision of uh, heaven and hell. And uh, in, he went down to hell, and in hell, right, there was these, people had like twenty foot long, um, chopsticks,

karl: Yeah

ricky: And they, they were eating their food and they couldn’t get the chopsticks into the food and get it round to their mouths cos they were just too long

karl: Right

ricky: Right and that was hell, and in heaven they had exactly the same thing, but they were feeding each other

karl: (pause) wh.................right

steve: You don’t like Chinese food, is that what you’re thinking?

steve: Is that what your concern is Karl?

karl: No, I’m just…

steve: You see my, the one I remember, I can’t remember the ending of thi...

steve: It’s about two nuns in a bath

ricky: Oh I know, yeah

steve: I cant remember what it is…or are they on a bike?

ricky: Th... th...th...th...that’s two adventures, it’s the same nuns, they get up to all sorts of adventures

steve: They’re normally quite erotic adventures

ricky: There’s one where they’re driving down a cobbled street, I remember

steve: Go on

ricky: And then there’s the other…

ricky: Whale bones on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me- Steve merchant,

steve: Hello

ricky: And Karl, well Karl, I really don’t think you got your teeth into the fables, really I don’t think you, err,

karl: There wasn’t anything to learn- I read a couple, thought, yeah that’s alright, and put it down again, there wasn’t anything to learn. And it was all stuff I knew already, but made up with nice little foxes and bears and stuff,

ricky: Yeah

karl: So

ricky: But, is that, what about like the one we spoke about like, err, when the hares are going "we should share all our food" and the lion said "that’s a good argument but you haven’t got, it hasn’t got the teeth and claws, that we’ve got". That’s lovely- cos its sort of like, you know that’s an indictment on, sort of, you know, you could say it’s anti-equality almost, you know, you could get really sort of deep into that, you you could, you know what I mean, you could, nope?- alright

steve: Philosophical ideas in a nutshell? Not interested?

karl: Naaah not really

steve: Okay

ricky: Okay then, well you’re gonna hate this then, I brought in the concise oxford dictionary of quotations, now just look at some of your favorites, I suggest going to, straight to things like, Wilde, or Newton, or err, Churchill, or err Keats

steve: You’re a big fan of Churchill ?

ricky: Yeah? Oh well, he’s he’s the boy, he... y... are look, right OK, let’s go through that old Newton, erm- right here’s a famous one, OK, this is Isaac Newton, "If I’ve seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants"

steve: Do you like that one?

karl: So there’s a meaning in it?

ricky: Y...yeah

steve: Well he hasn’t actually stood on the shoulders of giants

ricky: So he, so remember, he’s a, he’s an amazing er er ii ii er inventor, and mathematician, and he just, discovered i... i... incredible er laws of the universe, and, and he’s saying- yeah... OK

karl: If you want a good view, move into a multistory

ricky: (laugh) He’s saying, right, he’s saying if I’ve seen, if I have seen further than other people, and he’s being modest here, it’s cos I’ve stood on the shoulders of giants to get that view

steve: If it weren't for all the people that have come before him, with their great insight and knowledge, he wouldn’t have seen what he’s seen

ricky: He’s taken his people have given him

karl: Well just say that... insteada making up... you see, that’s what I’ve got a problem with

ricky: Poetry?

karl: People don’t say what they mean

ricky: Poetry, art and... yeah

karl: In life though, people never say what they actually mean and, you know there’s loadsa books on it... I dunno

steve: But the point is that he’s, just summarised quite a tricky idea, beautifully in a sentence

ricky: It’s beautiful, that that that that that... that that gets into you much deeper than just the words, than just the literal words, yer know what I mean?

steve: One of my favourites is, from an American novelist and the quote is, talking about the subject of fame and being famous; "fame is a mask that eats into the face", don't you think that’s amazing?

karl: ... Meaning?

steve: Well, meaning that the fame, that fame is something that is artificial, that you wear initially when you become famous, but it’s ethereal, it’s nothing, it’s intangible, it’s just an artifice, but if you stay famous long enough, you begin to think that that mask you’re wearing is really your real face, so that you begin to, you know, think that you are more than you perhaps are, do you see what I mean? In the way that fame and power can corrupt

karl: And who said that?

steve: It was an American novelist... I forget his name

karl: Yeah that’s alright, yeah... I like that

steve: Okay

karl: What’s... what err, pick another one right

ricky: Yeah well let's have a look, Bernard Shaw, he’s no slouch

steve: I think maybe when you, when you read, when you take this book of quotations home Karl, you should maybe just draw up maybe a list of three or four of your favourites...

ricky: ...Why don’t you do Shaw...?

steve: And tell us about them next week

ricky: Why don’t you do Shawl, erm, and Wilde, errrr, err look at Shakespeare as well, you know he’s

steve: What are you, are you a fan of Shakespeare?

karl: No

steve: Go on what’s your problem with it?

karl: Just errm, the way they speak, I can't, I can't follow it

steve: Yeah...

ricky: Yeah

steve: Do you like Westside story?

karl: And again it’s really old as well, I can't relate to it, it’s like years and years ago, innit? That’s why I like Churchill cos

steve: 1940s

karl: Yeah (mumble)

ricky: Look at this, look at this, this is, err, Shaw, okay, "there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it."

karl: Again, how would you see that? In your little

ricky: Wu, ri that’s yu, one homework then, I’ll mark that, that’s your homework, you’ve gotta work that out, you’ve gotta tell me what you think of it

karl: Say again

ricky: Don't ask Suzanne, it’s there, right, right, 'there are two tragedies in life, one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it', OK? Take that home with yer, and we'll be, er, hearing Karl come up with some amazing quotations next week.

steve: Yeah pick out your favourites

ricky: Now I’d like to, errr, play a song for the lovers whiles he’s thinking

steve: Now I don’t think we’ve got the lovers lined up

ricky: Oh, what have we got

steve: We got hip hop, it’s hip hop hooray

ricky: Oh is it?

steve: Yeah, everyone’s a big fan, I played something from this last week, it’s, errr, this new album from N.E.R.D - In Search Of, it’s been rerecorded, by the lads I don’t know why, hand, er, um, anyway it’s particularly, we played last week things are getting better, this is the one we have played this in the past actually, bobby James

ricky: Doves, There Goes the Fear on Xfm 104.9. Well just read that book anyway I just, I just, can I just, say I I I this is one o’ my a beautiful, it’s Keats right, umm. What d’you think of this? "A thing of beauty is a joy forever. It’s loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness."

karl: See, this, this is just like how it was at school now, I’ve er, the last couple of weeks i’ve been quite interesting in what you’ve been giving me, now it’s it’s really like,

ricky: Ok

karl: I really don’t care

ricky: Now this, now what about this? Now I, I, I, I, I,... I did philosophy, and philosophy’s obviously the, you know, the quest for knowledge and it’s, you know, it’s a--look listen to this, though, this is what Keats came up with: "Philosophy will clip an angel's wings." Isn’t that beautiful?

karl: .......Yeah

ricky: Don't be constrained by what’s, you know,... dream a little, you know what I mean? Just go beyond... I don’t agree with it but it’s a lovely, it’s a lovely bit of poetry

karl: ...yeh

ricky: Yeah? So your gonna read that for me are you Karl?....yeah?

steve: Just pick out five of your favourites

ricky: Yeah

steve: The ones that mean something to you

ricky: And then next week I’ll bring in pictures of animals

karl: Brilliant, we’ll do it

ricky: Ok, and some sweets.

steve: Ha her, Rick, umm, I’ve had a word with some of the top brass here, they were with me in the corridor. If you remember--

ricky: Did they say wh, who are you ?

steve: Ha, pretty much yeah-- oi four eyes!

steve: And errr, no they said whhhyu, you know they seem to enjoy the show- they love it, and umm, they’re just worried that in the early days when you started the show, remember we were a lot more informative, we used to do the film reviews

ricky: Yeah

steve: There were things like the gig guide and stuff like that

ricky: Sure sure sure sure

steve: Which we’ve kind of let go

ricky: Yeah, the thing about...

steve: By the wayside

ricky: Yeah they want us to bring 'um back?

steve: Yeah, exactly. So I just want

ricky: N-n-n-no gig guide... I was worried that... Funnily enough, this Xfm gig guide, it gig guide, it not include some of the biggest bands in the world

steve: Ok. Alright.

ricky: Or some of the best venues, that’s what worried me

steve: Erm, look Rick, just do what your told alright

ricky: Has it got better, am i gonna be impressed?

steve: This is the gig guide, it’s gotta lotta, you’re gonna love the gig guide

ricky: This is gonna be pretty impressive

steve: Let’s play the proper jingle

ricky: Ok (jingle starts)ok... ah! tonight, er, if you wanna, oh! hey, if you wanna see these two bands in a small venue get down to the Metro Bar on Oxford street. Doors are at 8 PM and tickets are only six quid to see Ten Benson and Beach Buggy!

steve: Ha ha, Oh brilliant

ricky: Arigh'? Now if you missed Longwave supporting The Stokes at Brixton Academy last night, you can catch them headlining Casino Royale at The Monarch.

steve: Rick, I missed them last time; how much will I be paying for that?

ricky: You’ll only be paying five pounds right? But listen, they’re also supported by Shelby and I Remember Nothing!

steve: Ha brilliant

ricky: Now, people know about the Brixton Academy, but a little-known venue in Brixton is The Windmill. And you, you’re gonna see three great bands there tonight, Guapo, Plonkess and Mechanical Beetles Never Quite Warm.

steve: Hahaha!

ricky: So, err, Orange Goblin and Grand Magus play the garage and, erm, well, the the the difin..wassit? Diefenback and Sudden play the Row Tarr Sessions at Notting Hill’s Arts Club ..so that’s the Gig Guide on Xfm.

steve: What a load of rubbish!

ricky: (cackle)

steve: I mean, switch off the jingle, look at this. We’ve discussed this before haven’t we? Names for bands that will never be anything

ricky: Ladies and gentlemen

steve: Please welcome to the stage "Mechanical Beetles Never Quite Warm"

ricky: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

steve: Please welcome to the stage "Plankwev"

ricky: Ha

steve: Please welcome to the stage "Orange Goblin"

ricky: Hah ha ha

steve: Oh goodness me. Look at this

ricky: Oh god orange goblin! I er, Orange Goblin?!

steve: It’s so rubbish

ricky: Waais name’s gotta fake tan hasn’t he, the onhe who di..um, er supermarket sweep, wassis name?

steve: Dale, Dale Winton

ricky: Dale Winton yeah

steve: Supporting REM, "I Remember Nothing"... never gonna happen

ricky: (giggle)

steve: Just, I mean, please, come on people! Think.

ricky: Hey, here’s a band that plays big venues, doesn’t make them better, sure, but this is Radiohead, this is song for the lovers, and let down from ok computer, this is beautiful, you see a thing of beauty, is a joy forever, doesn't that move you at all Karl? Philosophy will clip an angels wings...

steve: There was an old lady from Ealing

ricky: Who was ..

ricky: Radiohead, Let Down off OK Computer, apparently we missed, we missed a gig, on that gig guide, err "drip feed" are playing the rock garden on the 21st of this month,

steve: Excellent

ricky: So er, the lead singer just called in, for that, he also, er, left a quote with me, er apparently, er errr, Coleridge said of Keats wasn't it, he’s er, like an arc angel slightly damaged,

steve: Rick, i’m worried we’re getting a little bit high brow

ricky: D’you reckon?

steve: Have we got any knob gags you could do? Quikly cos i just think there’s a lot of people who are going to be turning off

ricky: Eeerm

steve: I mean currently, currently on capital fm, Chris Tarrent and Dr Neil Fox together at last

ricky: At last they said it would never happen, do you know who I'd like to see together? That breakfast DJ Sarah...

steve: Cox?

ricky: And er, who’s the the er dance ser stum, Carl...

karl: It can't be Carl Cox!

steve: Karl please, why are you getting suddenly saying the rude words, you’ve been reprimanded once Karl please

ricky: And don’t say that, and don’t say it so aggressively cos it sounds like you’re saying "cocks" aggressively

steve: Come on, we’ve been reprimanded- alright?

ricky: Yeah

steve: Jus just don’t use language like that

karl: Annoying me

ricky: Why is it annoying yer?

karl: Because

ricky: We’re talking about DJ’s that’s their names

karl: Yeah bu..yer, your trying to be clever

steve: I hardly think that’s clever

ricky: (cackle)- yeah, if that’s my best attempt at being clever,

karl: I’ve got rubbish homework this week

ricky: Ok, he’s really upset about this.

steve: He’s really upset

ricky: He was looking forwards to su, to animal facts

karl: You said that you were gonna bring in that big book. 500 animal facts

ricky: It’s sooo er, i got it off one of those bargain books, i thought it would be easier right cos it’s it’s too elementary;

karl: No but that’s more useful than that to me

ricky: But it’s things like it’s things like "the tortoise has a shell to protect it"

karl: That’s good

ricky: Haha yeah! But you, you know any

steve: You thought it was it was there just to be painted on with Tippex

ricky: (laugh) Aaaaa aa aaa aaa arrrr, oh have you ever have you ever peeled a tortoise? They fly! They go about four hundred miles an hour, it’s to weigh them down cos they’re the fastest lizard known to man

steve: Ha

ricky: Honestly, they run so fast they can go through walls

steve: He yeah

ricky: So they, they’re th th th their shells pop on them in the hospital in the materninty ward at a very early age to slow them down, you let a tortoise out of the shell and you would not, won’t catch it

karl: Steve? You know that turtles can breathe out their bum?

steve: Turtles can breathe out of their bum? I know someone who can talk out of it but I didn’t realise that

ricky: (giggle/breath) Whe...wha, tell us about that, tell us about that then, how do they do that?

karl: That’s it, that’s all i know beca, wh when they go swimming they can sort of err, if they don’t want to get their heads, stck their head out, they can just

steve: Stick their arse out?

karl: Yeah

ricky: Wh-why don’t they wanna stick their head out?

karl: Duno... just if, i dunno, maybe they don’t need, they need to be looking for food under the water

ricky: Yeah

karl: And if they stick their head up to get some air they might miss something

ricky: Well wouldn’t it be easier to have an arse, that could erm, forage for food, so they could sort of like lounge in the pool like a jacussi, and they’re looking round going "alright? Hello, hiya" and meanwhile its arse is like munching grass

karl: Yeah but

ricky: Wouldnt that be easier?

karl: Bad breath

steve: Well I wish I understood what that meant um, in all the

ricky: Yeah it’s not a quote, is it?

steve: In tha, this hilarity we’ve um, forgotten the true meaning of easter

ricky: Uh

steve: Cummon Rick come on cumooon it’s just you know you’re being frothy and lightweight and a little bit rude but you know it is, it’s a time for remembering

ricky: And chocolate?

steve: That erm, someone did die for our sins yeah?- so can we just

ricky: Be a shame to disappoint him

steve: Yeah so can we just think about that? and just take a moment to consider that

ricky: Can we do that?

steve: Yeah ok?

ricky: Yeah

steve: You understand the true meaning of easter? It’s not just about eggs and bunnies

steve: You understand it don’t you

karl: Yeah I know

ricky: Yeah

steve: What’s your memory of it, what’s your understanding of it Karl?

ricky: Dwerundjija

steve: Easter, what’s it all about for you?

ricky: What d’you have to do at school, did you have to do anything at school?

karl: Eerrrrrr, errrrrrrrr, i think we got a long weekend off

steve: Ok

ricky: Reeeealy!?

steve: Huh, yeah

ricky: What did they call that weekend?

karl: Easter weekend

ricky: Brilliant

steve: Ok then what was the reason for that? Why do we have Easter Weekend off?

karl: ...Jesus

steve: Yeah but what did he do?

karl: He errrr, he put himself on the cross

ricky: Yeh... well,

karl: Well he didn’t put himself on

ricky: No

steve: Does it mean anything to you, are you moved by that story?

karl: Again, too long ago for me to sort of

steve: Ok

karl: Errm, you know (hassle it?)

steve: To worry about? Sure.

ricky: I mean if there had been an Anderson shelter involved

steve: Yeah

ricky: You’d have been, you’d have been there wouldn’t you? You’re not well today are you Karl?

karl: Not at all

ricky: No

karl: Dunno what’s wrong with me today... I’ve, I’ve got a bit of a temperature

ricky: Have yer?

karl: D’you know Steve er, like you know he’s always having a go at me, last night when we were out with his mates

steve: Yeah

karl: They said he was a bit of a... hypochondriac himself

ricky: Did they?

karl: Yeah

ricky: What did they say wh what were they saying?

karl: They said err, they said- i said Steve’s told me he’s not feeling well he’s you know, is he alright? You live with him, he said oh don’t worry about that

ricky: Really?

karl: He’s always saying that and i said that’s a bit of a fable- I said "cry wolf"

ricky: (snigger) Yeah one day he’ll say "I’ve got a temperature" and they’ll go "I’ve had the Lemsip" and he’ll die

karl: Yeh

ricky: Yeah

steve: Well i’ve learnt my lesson

ricky: Yeah, bu th th talking about cry, the boy who cried wolf, it th th uh the moral can surely only be never tell the same lie twice, you know what I mean, cos if he’d of like come up with a different one he’d’ve kept 'em going all year, I reckon

steve: Ha, that’s a good point

ricky: Yeah

steve: I never thought of it like that before

ricky: What we gonna play?

steve: A final tune have we, wh we got we got we got a bit of Suede haven’t we?

karl: Well it depends

ricky: Let’s get a bit of suede in and song for the ladies

karl: I don’t think

ricky: Let’s not worry about it

karl: We cant

steve: Wecah

karl: We cant

ricky: It’s only the football, it’s only the football

karl: Don’t say that, e ear give us your song for the

ricky: What’s the football what’s the match, what’sz this I-I-I am the gig guide is longwave and gwapo and franco, what’s this, what’s the football match? For wh wh the football match is Xfm covering

karl: Dunno

ricky: Common

karl: What song would you like?

steve: Track, track eight

ricky: Bolton vs Barnsley?

steve: Ha

karl: You don’t like sport though do yer?

ricky: Well

karl: A lot of people who do

ricky: Uh?

karl: A lot of people who do, right track eight what are we going for then?

steve: Er, we’re going for err, it’s a bit of Stevie Wonder

karl: Yeah?

steve: And err, i think it’s quite a short song though Karl,

karl: Nah that’s

steve: You sure it’s gonn you ok are you so this is the final song is it?

ricky: This lost a lot of energy this show

karl: This is it

ricky: I mean the first hour and fourtyminuits I think was dynamite, I think the last ten have been err, flagging

steve: But i blame Karl, he was, he was err full of life, you know he was answering the questions and stuff and now you’ve lost it

ricky: And he got he got fed up he got fed up with the quotations, he didn’t like us mentioning um um radio one Djs such as Sarah

steve: Cox

ricky: And Carl

steve: Arrr....Cox?

ricky: Yeah ...he didn’t like that

karl: Sorry everyone