XFM Vault - S01E21 Transcript

ricky: See? Strokes - Someday. Now that was a better--a better choice, wunnit, to start off with? Um, oh hello, uh.. ladies and gentlemen.. Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. Steve.. Mitchell.

steve: Now, come on, let's get my name right from now. Tha-that novelty has worn off.

ricky: What is it? Is it--?

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Oh yeah.. they the..

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's the wrong one, innit--Mitchell?

steve: The Guardian got it wrong. It's Steve Merchant.

ricky: The more I say Mitchell the more people will think it might--

steve: Exactly. It might be Mitchell.

ricky: Oh God... Sorry Dave.

ricky: Um, but Karl wanted to start off with the Stereophonics.

steve: Ahhh... Loser.

ricky: 'Cos it was "a newer track." And Karl now, we've made him what he is. He was nothing when we found him

steve: Nobody. He was like work experience

ricky: And now he's going, "Oh, we should start off with the Stereophonics" and I'm going, "Karl"--

steve: Trying to tell you what to do, Rick.

ricky: --"if I want anyones opinion... I don't."

ricky: Basically.

steve: Well, you'd probably come to me I'd imagine.

ricky: Befo--

steve: I'd be the first person.

ricky: Before Karl.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'd consult you, Steve

steve: Thank you.

ricky: So, just keep it... just 'cuz he was in, what was it, Pilkie's Makin Music?

steve: Yeah, his mobile disco outfit.

ricky and steve: Pilkie's Makin Music

ricky: I'll bet you never pleased a crowd once.

karl: I did. Loads of times.

ricky: Go on then. What'd you play? What's the biggest gig you ever played?

karl: I did, uh... like a social club.. gig.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it wasn't just about the music, either.

karl: I used to--

steve: What else could it be about?

karl: I used to take prizes... and cigars, and stuff.

ricky: In a youth club?

karl: To give away.

ricky: I just love these like fourteen-year-old Mancs hangin' out, goin', "Let's go down there, he might have some fags and cigars for us."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well, it was whatever, like... was on me mom and dad's dressing table.

ricky: That could have been embarrassing.

steve: That could have been deeply embarrassing.

ricky: Owhh.. Yeah. You've won...

steve: And third prize: some handcuffs...

ricky: And a black mamba.

karl: Yeah...

ricky: I'm not saying... that... at any point in your upbringing, your parents left around any kind of... marital aid on the dressing table. Don't think I'm saying that, Karl. I'm not suggesting--Look he doesn't like this, does he?

steve: No--we--no. I can understand why.

ricky: Oh yeah. 'Cuz it's about his...

steve: It's about his parents having sex.

ricky: Well, they must've!

steve: Yeah, at once.. at least--

ricky: At least three times.

karl: I think I was an accident.

ricky and steve: (unintelligible)

ricky: I think--I think it's been ongoing.

karl: Just because me brother and sister are quite older than me.

ricky: Yeah, me too. I was an accident, I know that, yeah. How olds your, uh, brother and sister?

karl: Uhhmmm.. I think me sister's about... thirty-nine.

ricky: Right.

karl: And me brother's about... thirty-seven

ricky: Okay, and your... twenty-nine

karl: I'm like.. twenty-nine

ricky: Right, so, yeah. My next one's eleven years older than me.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I was definitely a--

steve: Do you want to have a hug, you two? Or...

ricky: Yeah... Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You dealing with it now? You got over it?

ricky: Well, would you like to see us have a hug? Ooh.

ricky: Oh. You had a mobile disco as well, didn't you?

steve: You're havin' a laugh aren't you. I was--every single gig I did... dynamite. People loved it. It was stormin'.

ricky: Wha--what was it called?

steve: I ran it from about the age of fourteen to... eighteen?

ricky: What was it called? Was it called anythi--

steve: The name of our mobile disco?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It had two names in its lifetime.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It started its life as... bear with it--

ricky: Go on.

steve: "The Rock and Roll DJs"

ricky: Oh my god... "The Rock and Roll DJ"... that's the worst...

ricky: I mean that's the worst.

steve: Yeah. That's the most appalling. But then, it became pretty bad after that... when it became... "The Fantasy Island Roadshow"

ricky: Why?

steve: I don't know.

ricky: 'Cuz everyone up to you looked like Tattoo?

steve: Partly that. And I--'cuz I liked the program Fantasy Island.

ricky: Why did you like the program Fantasy Island?

steve: Well, it was about love, on an island.

ricky: It wasn't. It was about a midget on an island.

steve: No. The midget was a minor character. It was about people going on an island to find love and romance.

ricky: He was a minor chara--

steve: You obviously switched off once the midget had gone off and said, "There's the plane."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's that then. Your parents went, "That's over then."; "It's only five minutes long?"; "Yeah, well it's..."

ricky: Let's watch that fantasy midget.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What happened then? Cuz didn't they aah--they, um, acted out their fantasies on an island, eh?

steve: Well people would pay to go to the island, um...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: To live out their own romantic fantasies and invariably that was (unintelligable).

ricky: It was always roman--it was always about... getting off with people?

steve: Yeah, it was a kind of love island. Yeah.

ricky: Was it?

steve: Well, no not always. Sometimes they might be uh...

ricky: Maybe I didn't watch a whole one. Maybe I did just see him like... smackin' little Tattoo around the head.

steve: I think you did, mhmph. I think you just saw the trailer.

ricky: Aw. Oh, really?

steve: But, um...

ricky: So what did they sort of go? "I've always wanted to have... someone in..."

steve: Well, no. It might be something like, you know, "I've always wanted to, uh, to sort of, to live out, uh, being a gunslinger in a wild west frontier town," you know, so you might kind of... create that fantasy.

ricky: So what's that got to do with love--?

steve: Well, invariably he'd find love, or he'd sort out some emotional problem he had. It was much more a spiritual and emotional journey than it was about little midgets runnin' around.

ricky: So basic--but was it, like, um, "Oh. I'd like to be a cowboy and I'd like to have been one with a shag."

ricky: "Oh, and while I'm there..."

steve: Yeah, it was like Jim'll Fix It. Like those letters you wrote to Jim'll Fix It.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "I'd like to meet Five Star and if something happens, so be it."

ricky: Well...

steve: No, I have to just say once though--

ricky: Go on.

steve: This is about my, this is my DJing credentials. I was once playing, uh... music at a scout jamboree.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: When I was about seventeen, sixteen, seventeen.

ricky: Big gig, though.

steve: Big gig. There was a thousand scouts there.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Right, and I'll tell you this, we were playin' our stuff. They were lovin' it. They were dancing, it was in a big marquee, right?

ricky: Right..

steve: I slapped on Smells Like Teen Spirit.

ricky: Yeah..

steve: Right.

ricky: They went mad..

steve: They went mad for it. They were moshing, they were climbing up the poles. The organizers were going, "Switch that off! Switch that off!" Right? They're going crazy, and I was there going, "No! That's what they like. I'm going to do it." And--

ricky: It was like Foot Loose!

steve: It was unbelievable, it was just like Foot Loose. Then I came in with Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of; the place went wild.

ricky: Wh.. Yeah.

steve: And they were trying to get me off the decks. It was like Bill... it was like Bill Grundy interviewing the Sex Pistols.

ricky: And then when... when the head andevribud had you killed...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Right, by some mafia thing, it was all hushed up. Then the scouts went there one night with all candles and sat by your grave and the... and that was the end of the film. It was a film, I assume?

steve: No, this genuinely happened!

ricky: I assume this didn't really happen.

steve: Yes it did, I swear to God I was playing Smells Like Teen Spirit and it went wild and the organizers were going, "Switch that off! They're going crazy," and I was going, "No! It's what they want."

ricky: Can I say summat?

steve: It was brilliant.

ricky: That, to me.. I've known you about four years and I've heard all these things--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That must be the highlight of your life.

steve: Unbelievably so, yeah.

ricky: It's--you've never had anything that good--

steve: No.

ricky: --or exciting since, have you?

steve: One day I hope to sleep with a lady...

ricky: Ricky laughs

steve: ...and hopefully that'll--it will slide into second place.

ricky: Rock the Casbah...

steve: I love the fact that you had at least three minutes to get that right

ricky: I know.

steve: To prepare and get that right.

ricky: I know, but my mouth was full of Maryland Cookies.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Yeah. You know last week?

steve: Mm.

ricky: This'll, ah, this'll blow your mind. He came in, do you know what he bought, for himself, at about 10? Penguins.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Who buys Penguins still?

steve: I know; or Wagon Wheels.

ricky: Oh, I've never liked Wagon Wheels

steve: Have you not been a fan?

ricky: No, no. But sorry 'bout that, it's The Clash and Rock the Cashbah.

steve: Mmhm.

ricky: Um, talking about records, have I told you that time my brother-in-law, um... uh, he was moving out of his place and I think moving in with my sister and I was about like, um, I dunno, thirteen. Um... and so he was about, I dunno, thirty. And movin' in--And he brought round all um.. uh, his records when he was storage to leave them at our house, right? And he all these old sort of records, fifties and sixties records, they're Elvis, right? And, uh um, and uh, they, uh... put them upstairs... and I was looking through them, and uh... it was just all like Elvis stuff and Beatles stuff and there was a mate of mine who loved Elvis, okay?

karl: Alright.

ricky: And he had um...

steve: Oh hello.

ricky: ...loads of chemicals. Yeah. He had loads of chemicals and I was into chemistry, and uh, he said, "I'll swap you some chemicals for them." So I sort of nicked about five Elvis singles and I got all these chemicals and then... just guilt--

karl: Ehmm.. what sort of chemicals?

ricky: Just things like, you know, um... uh... just things like from a chemistry set... you know, crystals and metals and magnesium, all that sort of stuff that I just like to muck around with. And um... and uh... and then the guilt just... hit me, and just I thought, "Well, he's gonna notice that." And I just... one night, I just came down stairs and I confessed to my mum. She went, "Alright... well... I won't tell him, but you've got to be good." And it sort of like, I was just... really, really good for a year.

karl: Hmph.

ricky: And then, and then I was... have I told you this, am I not--?

karl: No, no. You've just reminded me of something.

ricky: And then... I remember, um, when I was about eighteen... uh... my brother was talking about it... and he said, "Did you ever, um, uh... play those records I left for you?"

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: He told my mum, "These are for Ricky." She just didn't tell me.

steve: She was sharp, wasn't she?

karl: Ahhh...

ricky: She, she... opportunism there.

steve: Awww... that's genius.

ricky: And uh, that was it. That's why I was good.

steve: But you've never stolen anything since, have you?

ricky: No... I don't, I don't, I don't...

steve: Except that spate of uh... of shop-lifting after that to teach your mum a lesson.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Well, we went round uh, and uh.. arson.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Uh, no, no. I did, I just couldn't believe it. I just... oh.

steve: That's a great trick.

karl: I remember um... and I think all kids go through a phase of shop-lifting.

steve: Well...

karl: And, and... wh-wh-when I was going through it...

steve: Mmm..

karl: Um, I used to just--just little things. Just like, magic markers and uh... magazines, Mars bars, that sort of thing.

steve: Yeah. Cigars and dildos.

karl: And um... And one day, right?

ricky: Same thing.

karl: Uh... me mate... Antony, his mom called up my mom and said, "I've got to uh... I've got to meet up with ya. I've got to have a word with ya." And uh... she said, "What about?"; she said, "I don't want to talk about it over the phone." So she goes, "Oh, right. Well, yeah... come round tonight, then." So anyway, me mum sees me, she--she doesn't want to be in an awkward position and like... be a bit embarrassed and what have you so she sees me and she goes, "Right. Antony's mum is coming 'round. What 'ave you been doing?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: So I go, "Oh god..."; I said, "I've been nicking stuff."

karl: So she goes, "Like what?" and I go, "Not big stuff... I've had a few... calculators and, uh, Mars bars and stuff."

ricky: "How many?"; "I'll just work it out, hold on"

steve: Yes.

ricky: "Works out at 7.2 per day."

karl: So, um...

steve: How many calculators do you need?

karl: So it was when that phase...

steve: You failed maths didn't you?

karl: Everyone wanted a calculator; it was like the trendy thing, wunnit?

steve: Right. Okay.

ricky: Yeah. In Manchester a couple years ago, yeah.

karl: So um... so anyway. So, I told her all this and I confessed to like--

steve: Computers will make it there one day.

ricky: 'Tis magic in the back.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Of battery.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Confessed to nicking all this stuff... she comes 'round. She only wanted to borrow some money.

steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

karl: She said, "Oh... I don't like asking... I was a bit embarrassed to ask you over the phone but can I borrow 20 quid?"

steve: Oh... that's fantastic.

karl: And there's me. With these...

steve: That's great.

karl: And it's the same sort of thing to yours...

steve: And did you, um--

ricky: And he went, "Hold on mum, let me just work out the interest on that."

steve: Yeah...

ricky: "About ten percent... she'll owe you £4.40."

steve: Yeah. And did you--

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: S-so... your mum was a loan shark.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And um...

ricky: And uh--

steve: Di--di--did uh... did she mention--

ricky: She went, "I'll just, I'll just--"

steve: --you'd been nicking stuff with your, with that other... 'cause what I'm saying is presumably you got your mate in trouble

karl: No, no no no no, no.

steve: Alright.

ricky: She went, "No worries, I'll just go and get my purse, it's on the dressing table."

steve: Exactly. Yeah

ricky: "Karl!"

steve: "Do you want a cigar?"

ricky: What other things did you used to give away at your disco, then, that you would find on the dressing table. You used to go into, um, your parents room and go, "What can I give away tonight?"

karl: It was--it was stuff like I sai--Cigars.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Me dad liked cigars.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh... I had a pair of tights.

ricky: What d'you mean?

karl: Unopened... you know how you get 'em in like a long--

ricky: Who did you give that to?

karl: Just whoever.. did the prize. It was stuff like, you know... di--we did like a little raffle.

ricky: I could just imagine Karl going, "This is for a pair of... pretty polly, shear!"

steve: Brilliant. Who's going joy riding this week? Now who's doing a bank job this week?

ricky: Exactly. That's what it is used for, yeah.

karl: Just.. little bits, you know... unopened makeup... just stuff like that.

ricky: Right.

steve: And did your parents not notice?

karl: Nah... 'cause it's stuff that... you're not that bothered about. If a telly went missing, they'd notice it.

ricky: They would, wouldn't they? They'd be staring at a wall for three days.

karl: But a pair of tights and cigar and that...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Got away with it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But it's funny as well, like, 'cause like how you had--you had two names... I just, like, remembered. I started off as um... "Dazzling Darren's Disco." Just because the first lights I could afford belonged to someone who had their name put in lights.

steve: Right.

karl: So I went along with that name for a bit.

steve: You had to pretend you were called Darren.

ricky: That's lovely.

steve: That's great.

ricky: Was it worth it?

steve: Brilliant.

karl: And then it went on to... "Pilkie's Makin Music"

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Cheers.

ricky: That's great.

steve: I know, shall we have some more music?

karl: Yeah, go on.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 'Cause we've been wittering for hours--

ricky: Wh-what you gonna play, Karl?

karl: We've got the... Cooper Temple Clause lined up.

ricky: Oh, brilliant.

steve: Yes, Steve Merchant here.

ricky: Steve Merchant...

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah. Okay.. d-d-don't keep saying it.

steve: And uh..

ricky: Karl.

steve: Karl, obviously. Yeah.

ricky: Now, we've been--

steve: Stop fiddling, Karl.

ricky: We've been digging around in Karl's office, haven't we?

steve: As ever Rick, um...

ricky: He's a little bit nervous about this.

steve: Well...

ricky: But he doesn't need to be.

steve: I don't think he is because--

ricky: You just need to trust us, Karl. Just trust us. Trust us with the music. Trust us with the pe-speach output. Trust us with the--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's easy for me to say.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Go on.

steve: Well it's just, I-I-I'm conscious, Rick, that sometimes we're a little ill-prepared--

ricky: Sure.

steve: --on this show. And I just wanted to make sure we were sort of... keeping ourselves abreast of developments, changes at the station, policy--

ricky: Hah-hah... You said breast.

steve: Thanks. Uh... you know, policies particularily, and um... I was lucky enough to stumble across this, and I feel that actually a couple weeks ago we were a little ill-prepared--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --'cause we hadn't read this.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This is the Xfm, uh, information. It's the guidelines if you will--

ricky: Sure.

steve: --on how to react to deaths, disasters, and other news emergencies.

ricky: Yeah. And there's very important ones--

steve: Important policies.

ricky: --like a-a-a royal death is like you know...

steve: Well, there's certain criteria. I mean obviously... The general guidelines state that, "Occassionally something will happen in the world that prompts Xfm to break away from the normal programming and react to our audience's feelings of shock or grief."--

ricky: Mm.

steve: Uh, "As broadcasters, we have a duty to think carefully"--

ricky: They're not talking about our show, are they?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They're talking about something happening...

steve: No, a-all shows.

ricky: I don't mean, no, no, like people being caused grief 'cause Karl's on the air.

steve: Right.

ricky: You mean like... you know.

steve: I mean a bigger event.

ricky: A royal dying.

steve: A royal dying, or some kind of um, you know, major disaster.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Um... "We should be able to tailor our output to show that we feel the same way as the audience"--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --"in these times of trouble"--

ricky: No, definitely.

steve: Uh, "That would never involve the station shutting down completely," Rick.

ricky: No?

steve: I want to reassure you of that now.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, "It would never involve playing classical music or stopping all speech content."

ricky: Sure. 'Cause a lot of, th-they put that in there 'cause a lot of stations, that's exactly what they do.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: But, um--

steve: It wouldn't happen here.

ricky: Xfm... have deemed it... th-th-th-that we don't have to go completely down the line there. We have to do our own unique way.

steve: Well, let me explain why.

ricky: Go on.

steve: "People need company at times like this."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "And... should be able to look to us for both factual information and emotional reaction."

ricky: Sure.

steve: Uh... "We simply have to change our tone and our playlist to show that we're all feeling the same thing."

ricky: Right.

steve: "Be it, Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening... or, Well, it's pretty sad but she was 101 after all."

ricky: And that's actually in that book, isn't it?

steve: That's what it actually says in the general guidelines.

steve: That's as they are stated... Um, "If you should hear about the death of a major royal"--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --"If this information..."

ricky: You're actually reading this, by the way...

steve: Yeah, I'm actually reading this now. "What you should do is say nothing about this on air under any circumstances, drop all the ads and promos from your schedule, and if Chris Smith, the news guy, is in the building get him in the studio immediately."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's what it says, Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If Smitty is uh, I don't care where he is; I don't care if he's on holiday.

ricky: Let's phone him up now and tell him someone has died.

steve: To see how he would react? To get him down here?

ricky: To get him down, yeah.

steve: See how long it takes him to get down here. Where does--where does Smitty live?

ricky: 'cause, I know where he lives, he lives a cave and he slides down a pole.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he gets into a car. His butler a--i--is up there and he--he sort things out.

steve: I suppose the approach there is that only Chris can deliver this tragic news.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: If it was you or I, we couldn't--

ricky: Yeah. It wouldn't, it wouldn't, it wouldn't... have the same. Uh, I remember, do you remember the Xfm, uh, as it first started, it launched the day after um, uh Princess Diana died.

steve: I know. I know. Yeah.

ricky: And I'd never done radio before; I was nervous enough--

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And it was lorrge and it was, uawh, howsf

steve: Because, I--I--was it--was it the first night, because what I'd forgotten actually until you mentioned that then is that of course you used to host your own phone-in show.

ricky: Oh... God.

steve: I had forgotten all about that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh, man alive Rick.

ricky: And I gave that up after a week because it was just too stressful.

steve: I have never seen a man so petrified.

ricky: I know.

steve: He spent all his time preventing people getting through on the phone lines.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He just wouldn't let people come on air.

ricky: And, and, and, for the fir--when I have to go on air, right? Um, my mates sorta like came over the first day and they were mucking around and uh, I was having a drink with them, where I used to work and I was going, "I've got to go on air in a minute," and I was like... drinking Shandy or summat 'cause I was saying, "I don't want to be drunk," and everything. And, uh, I kept saying, "Don't swear."

steve: Steve chuckles

ricky: Telling my mates not to swear and they look at me like I was mental. I was going, "Don't swear 'cause I'll swear." I was terrified of two things: um... just, swearing--

steve: By mistake.

ricky: And--and, and operating the desk. I thought, "I'm gonna... Even if I get through operating the desk, I'm gonna swear." And it just, oh, it was--it was just awful.

steve: Didn't you, um, didn't you spill coffee over the machine and then go, "Oh, shit," on your first link?

ricky: Ricky laughs

steve: I can't remember. But I know it wasn't a triumph.

ricky: No, I started off, it was all about the music, and I started off with a classical piece--

steve: Steve laughs

ricky: --by a bloke called Kunz who's a, uh, German composer.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: So I knew I was--it was okay.

steve: You were off. You were off.

ricky: I was off, yeah.

steve: So how did it go then, 'cause I remember it was appalling.

ricky: Look! Karl! He's a composer. Look it up.

karl: Yeah, I know he is.

ricky: Right. 0-8700-800-1234 if you know what they composer I'm talking about.

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Well...

karl: Yeah. We--we've done it now.

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: Chill out Karl.

karl: You know what people are like...

ricky: What?

karl: They take things... badly, don't they?

ricky: Like who? Like what?

karl: You just... it's like, uh...

karl: --uh, a bull to a red rag, or whatever.

ricky: Yeah, but the thing is we say bad words and get in trouble, but I was listening to Heart um, uh... the other day and they played Luther Vandross and i--the-whe-that-that song. Uh... neageadea... what is it? Never too much, never too much... Play a little bit; the lyric in this is just disgusting.

luther vandross: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started...

ricky: Hear that?

steve: Steve laughs

ricky: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started.

steve: That is disgu--

ricky: That is filthy, play it again.

luther vandross: Woke up today, looked at your picture just to get me started...

steve: That is depraved--

ricky: That's just filthy. What a filth... I mean--

steve: What is he doin'?

ricky: Just taying 'bout that. Imagine that. He's got a young girl's picture and he's going, "Oh, thanks for that." And then he phones her up and what's it say? You know that picture you gave me. She goes, "Yeah." He goes, "Well... I looked at it just to get me started." That poor young woman must be...

steve: I imagine more that, like... she's sleeping... and he just sneaks in and just, he's got a Polaroid camera, she wakes up and she goes, "What you doin'?"

ricky: Ricky laughs

steve: She goes, "What you up to?" He goes, "No, I'm just taking a picture."; "Well, why?"; "I'm gonna... write a song about it."

ricky: "You won't be here tomorrow, will ya?"

steve: Yeah. "You're going on holiday tomorrow, aren't you?"

ricky: "Yeah, well I need tha--"

steve: "I just need something to get me started"

steve: "What do you mean, get you started?"; "Oh, you know, in the morning."

ricky: And then that's on Heart.

karl: Mmm...

steve: Alright?

ricky: 106.2

steve: So don't come on 'ere and tell us what we can--

ricky: What we can't say.

steve: --and cannot say and we can't say Kunz.

ricky: We can't say classical composers' names. Or philosophers, like Kant.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So don't tell us that, Karl.

steve: Alright?

ricky: Just play a record, what you got, Steve?

karl: Play some Ride, Steve.

steve: Yeah, I just think it's time that we listen to some Ride, Rick. We haven't listened to them, I don't know about you and I, but I haven't listened to some, to any for about six or seven weeks.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just thought it would be good to have them on the air again.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's a tragedy that they split up. This is, uh, the classic Chelsea Girl. Play it, uh...

steve: --in their lifetime...

ricky: I know. Yeah.

steve: A great sound.

ricky: But they influenced lots of bands at that time.

steve: It seems to... yeah.

ricky: The whole Brit-pop thing, and the... Wall of Sound and...

steve: Mmm. Mmm.

ricky: They weren't--were they shoegazers, do you think? They were, weren't they?

steve: Well, that's what they're thought of, 'cause there's a lot of nooooodley guitar--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --but, uh, good melodies as well, Rick, and that's always important.

ricky: It is to me.

steve: Don't know about, uh, you, Karl, but it is important to us.

ricky: We've just had, uh, a couple of people, Sarah and Claire call up and wish us luck for the BAFTA's... but, for some reason... they want one of us to do an impression of Leslie Phillips.

steve: Can't do it.

ricky: I--I--I can't.

steve: Doesn't he say, "Ding dong"?

ricky: And... "Hellaou..." and all that.

steve and karl: That's not bad.

ricky: But, I want... I want Karl to do it, though.

steve: Yeah, go on Karl

ricky: Go on.

karl: Hello.

steve: Well done. Say, "Ding dong."

karl: Ding dong.

steve: Niceee...

ricky: Yeah. Do auuehhh... other impressions.

karl: Umm... no.

karl: I can't think of any...

ricky: Go... "Hellaou..." Do that.

karl: Helloow...

steve: You look like a ventriloquist dummy.

karl: Hellow...

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Awh... Karl, you're--

steve: Do, uh, "My name is Bond, James Bond," as though it were Sean Connery.

ricky: "My name is Bond, James Bond." Do that, go on.

karl: My name's Bond--

steve: No, do it as though you were in--you were doing an impression.

ricky: "Sean..."

karl: I'm... what, so I'm trying to be Scottish?

steve: Well, yeah.

ricky: Well, yeah, sort of.

steve: Perhaps more specific than that, Sean Connery.

karl: "My name's Bond."

ricky: That's not bad

steve: Keep going.

ricky: That's not bad--

karl: "My name's Bond, James Bond."

ricky: That's like Jimmy Stewart.

ricky: He's not bad, but this... this is the best fun.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's like having your very own Fisher Price toy for two hours a week.

steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

ricky: It's great. Um, do, um, uh... "Roger Moore..." Do that.

karl: "Roger Moore..."

ricky: (Manc accent)"Phyllis Pearce, Percy Sugden... licensed to kill."

karl: So anyway, anyway, she just said--

ricky: No, this is a great game.

karl: No no no no no, that's enough of it.

steve: Yeah, we'll come back to this another time, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, anything, anything you want Karl to do--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Karl's homework today was to come up with those, you know those, um... lateral thinking things.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Those stupid...

steve: Oh, I hate them.

ricky: They're ridiculous, aren't they? Liketheyum, "A man went into a field and died." And you're meant to ask questions like, "Oh, was it abendiduh...?" and it turns out his parachute didn't open. So it's basically, it's not logic, it's "What am I thinking?"

steve: Yeah... Well there's that one where there's a man in, this is the worst I've ever heard--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A man is found dead lying in a phone box...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right? His wrists are cut

karl: Mmm.

steve: He's bled to death and... there's glass everywhere.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right? And the phone's hanging off--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --the hook, right?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What happened to him?

ricky: I know this, yeah.

steve: Right. Do you know the answer is, Karl?

ricky: It's ridiculous.

steve: He was a fisherman.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He was on the phone, someone asked him how big his fish was, he did that gesture like fishermen always do to sort of say that it was much bigger than it actually was.

ricky: Put his arms out.

steve: His arms went through the glass and he slashed his wrists and he died.

karl: Why would you do that with someone on the phone? When they can't see how big he's actually saying.

steve: Well that's one of the many problems with that--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --uh, conundrum.

ricky: Yeah. Not the point we were making, but again, good. I mean, you're there. That is good thinking.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But, uh, so what, you had to come up with some of these? I didn't know this was his challenge.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Did you come up with one?

karl: I came up with three. And they're all belters.

ricky: Are we gonna, oh, it's a... If it's as good... as... your... quote about happiness that we had to guess about which was yours and which was the real ones, like Faking It, I cannot wait.

steve: I'm looking forward to this...

ricky: I mean I literally can't wait, shall we do it now?

steve: Well I'm tempted to save it, 'cause I just want to mention to people, um, that uh, they should be very excited because it's going to be Karl's special night tomorrow. You excited Karl?

ricky: Oh yeah, oh this is, yeah, um, eou, um, me and Steve 'cause we were nominated, we get a guest.

steve: For the BAFTA awards.

ricky: Um, um... and it, it doesn't say guest it actually says um, you know, uh, partner. So I'm taking, um, my partner and, uh, Steve's taking Karl. But what Karl doesn't realize is... you will have to pretend you're his partner otherwise you wouldn't be able to get in--

steve: Yeah. We'll have to hold hands when we go down the red carpet.

ricky: He says, "Is this your... is this really your partner?" It's not just a guest. They have to--

steve: That's how it is, and either we go in like that or we can't get in.

ricky: You have to, you just have to be with him when you go up there. I mean, you don't have to... does he have to hold--?

karl: Yeah, but...

steve: We should hold hands. But, what I think we should do is, just to make sure there is nothing at all that, like, is gonna go wrong, we should just do a little kiss.

ricky: Just like--

steve: Just in front of the cameras.

ricky: Or, or, or be seen sort of like... cheek to cheek. Just to show them that--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --you know, you're not, he's not just getting in--

steve: Like Elton John and David...

ricky: That he's not just getting his mates in for a free meal and you are actually partners.

karl: No... I'm not up for that.

steve: Why not?

karl: Well...

steve: Because we know we're not actually gay.

karl: No, but, but, yeah--

steve: So it's not a problem.

karl: But you'd come out of it looking quite good 'cause you got a good lookin' fella'.

karl: But I'm meant to, like, you know... I mean a... I'm not gay. But if I was... I don't think I'd go for you or summat.

ricky: Oh, he's done you Steve! He's turned on you again!

steve: I cannot believe...

ricky: We were trying to get him--

steve: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute... I have got the cream of London's totty phoning me up, trying to get an invite to the BAFTA's.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right? We have very graciously asked you if you would like to come along.

karl: Well that worries me even more... that you've got women calling you up.

ricky: Karl...

steve: Karl, I can't choose between them. If I let one of them down, I'm gonna, they're going to destroy them.

ricky: Yeah, he's--Yeah.

steve: They--they'll be ruined, their lives will be ruined. It's better for me to take you and not, you know, ruin the lives of any of those poor women.

ricky: When--when-when he told them he was taking you it was like a scene from Graceland, there was just like--

steve: There was weeping.

ricky: They were crying, like--

steve: It was horrible.

ricky: --hundreds of them.

steve: Really.

ricky: And he just said--

steve: I got upset.

ricky: He just had to say, "Look, just chill out, bitches." Didn't ya?

steve: I did. I just said, "You know, you're all ma hoes"--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --"but I can't choose between you"

ricky: "So I'm taking Karl."

steve: "So I'm taking Karl."

ricky: You know he gets, he could get you discount frocks?

steve: Now I had a letter from the people, that there's an organization--

ricky: No, he could.

steve: Now, listen Karl. There's an organization that sponsors the BAFTA awards--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --in terms of clothes and fashion; they've sent me a letter, they said, "Your partner", they've not specified the sex. They've said, "Your partner... can come along"--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --"and choose an outfit." Now I expect, by the look of it, it is a women's outfitters. I'm thinking we could get you a lovely trouser suit.

ricky: Why don't you have a trouser suit?

steve: It may look feminine, right, but I think people will be fooled and they'll think it's a man suit.

ricky: It'll just be, it'll just be a little roomy in the hip--

steve: But that'll be fine.

ricky: And probably narrow in the shoulders, but you're a bit skinny; why don't you just take it, 'cause it's a lot of an insult.

steve: And maybe just some pearls as well. It'll be lovely.

ricky: Wouldn't you, wouldn't you a--

karl: Well, I haven't got anything sorted to wear yet--

steve: See, you're slagging me off, you're likely to end up to be going in a track suit.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright?

karl: I'm going out, I'm going out today. I've never bought a suit since I was, like, eleven, right?

karl: I went to me brother's wedding, that's the last time I wore a suit.

steve: Right.

karl: Um...

ricky: Really? And you can't get anywhere near it now.

karl: Can't get, can't get into that--

ricky: No.

karl: --at all.

ricky: No.

karl: Em... that was a good day.

ricky: What was it? What sort of suit was it?

karl: It was, uh, like a-da-da sort of a gray-silver one.

steve: Classy.

ricky: Excellent.

karl: Quite flairey.

steve: Nice.

karl: Um...

steve: Well try and get something similar.

ricky: A gray-silver one... Just think of that with your little round head, what did you--what did that look like?

karl: I looked alright.

steve: Like he'd landed from the moon--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He'd just landed on earth.

ricky: He looked like--who's the--safutsssa--the spaceman?

steve: Yeah. They walk among us.

karl: I didn't, I didn't really need to wear a suit, either, 'cause I didn't--I hardly went into the church, I was in the car park, right? And it was when me brother was in the army.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: And he a Ford Capri with one of them horns that go, "Doo da doo doo, doo da doo da doo doo doo"--

steve: And you just sat there...

ricky: Why didn't he, why didn't he come in his tank?

karl: I just sat in that, doing that all day and the vicar was getting well annoyed with me.

ricky: What, when the service was on?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: It was driving everyone up the wall.

ricky: What do you, were you just allowed to do what you wanted when you were growing up? Like Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons? Did you just, were you just allowed--didn't matter--was there any discipline? You didn't have teachers, you didn't... did no one just... why didn't someone come out and--

karl: I did, I got a couple of good hidings off me dad a couple of times.

ricky: What for?

karl: Just... being mopey most of the time. If I had a strop on, he'd hate that.

ricky: He'd go, "Go out and burn something down or nick something but don't... don't wander round with your head down." Didn't he smack you for not liking a castle once?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: No, no, what's that? What's that?

karl: We went to, uh, Carnarvan--

steve: Yeah.

karl: for the day. And I was bored, it was at that age where I just wanted to go in an arcade. And me dad was saying, "Come and see the castle, you know, there's history here." And I still don't like castles. It's just one of them things, again, it's just too far back to sort of, even... think about people living in 'em.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean? So I was just like, "Look, it's a wreck, you know. Knock it down, flatten the thing."

steve: Sure.

karl: And I was being really mopey.

ricky: Isn't that great?

karl: And it's weird, 'cause now, like me mam and dad have retired and gone to Wales and now and again he takes me there and everytime we get to the point where he gave me a clout, he goes, "Are you getting flashbacks, son?"

steve: Yeah. Well, a sobering lesson for you.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You're not on the British Heiratige Commitee anymore, are ya?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: "This is the national trust land..."; "Tarmac it."

ricky: "It'll be the biggest... car park in Britain... for Christ's sake."

karl: So...

steve: So, look--you're looking forward to the awards, are you, tomorrow?

karl: Um...

steve: You better say, "Yes," 'cause otherwise.

karl: N--uh... no. It'll be-it'll be alright... I mean I've told a couple people and they got like, "God... you're dead lucky."

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: But in a way...

ricky: Awww... they're dead lucky. It's like Santa's coming, innit? I like the way people talk to Karl. "You're a lucky boy, aren't you? Going to the BAFTA's with Steve."

karl: It's just a posh raffle at the end of the day though, innit?

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: In a sense.

karl: It's, you know, there's gonna be--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They give away some tights and cigars.

ricky: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Chris Tarrant goes, "I found--I went into my parents house"--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --"I found these just lying 'round."

karl: No, but winners and losers. And, um--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: --and food.

steve: Yeah, quite, yeah. But what is exciting surely is the razzmatazz and the, uh, brushing shoulders with the rich and famous.

karl: Mmm... I'm not into that.

steve: You're not?

karl: No.

steve: I don't feel you're going to appreciate this as much as we thought you would.

karl: It's weird 'cause Suzanne said to me this morning, you know, "Who would you like to meet there? Is there anyone who like, you know, who you can like get close to and it's like, 'God, you know, I really admire your, you know... big fan of yours' or whatever."

ricky: And it's me and Steve, so you're here now.

karl: Well, you know--

steve: "I really admire, your big fanny"? I didn't--

ricky: What did you say?

steve: What did you say?

ricky: Yeah, but--

karl: You know, if you're a big fan of him.

steve: Oh, right.

ricky: Oh, right, yeah.

karl: And uh...

steve: Sorry.

karl: There isn't anyone, really. D'you know what I mean... I like--

steve: Isn't there?

karl: You know, you two are alright. Um...

ricky: Thanks.

karl: Jonathan Ross, is he going?

ricky: He might do, I dunno.

steve: But hang on, wait a minute, I can't help but feel that we could have exploited this more, we could have maybe run a, uh, a competition, to let someone win.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, if you're not gonna appreciate it, Karl.

ricky: Yeah. Are you gonna get a trouser suit? Are you gonna get a ladies trouser suit? I just think they're--if you go sort of like... looking macho and walking down with him, they'll know you're not really partners and I just think it's a slap in the face for BAFTA.

steve: That's true enough.

karl: No, it doesn't matter what you wear though, look at Elton John--

ricky: Can't you mince a little bit, can't you at least sort of like... walk a little bit mincey 'cause you've got such a macho, sort of Manc walk?

karl: Elton John's fella' doesn't look gay in the stuff he wears and that, does he? D'you know what I mean? It means nothing.

steve: No, but that's because Elton's doing the work for him--

karl: No, but--

steve: --by dressing as, like some kind of Restoration dame.

ricky: Yeah. I love the fact that he dresses as Anne Witticombe--

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: --for special occasions--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --and has his hair done like her. Th-tha-th-that's great.

steve: Anyway, music.

ricky: Yeah, I-I-I--this is a very underrated album. It's Richard Ashcroft's, um, Alone With Everybody and I know... it got a bit of a slagging, it didn't sell as well as it was 'cause people were going, "Oh, it's no Urban Hymns" and i-i-it, maybe it's not, but, um, he got criticized for being pop but this is a great tune on here, um, You on My Mind in My Sleep and I-I-I think it's... really good.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Richard Ashcroft there. And You on My Mind in My Sleep. D'ya like that one, Karl?

karl: It's alright. Yeah.

ricky: Good, okay. Um...

karl: It's nothin--

ricky: Oh, oh, what I did want to do is, um, uh... play some, um, adverts now.

ricky: There Goes the Fear on Xfm 104.9. Well, into the last hour and there are only two more shows.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: Then we're away for three months. Ah. I'm Ricky Gervais.

steve: Obviously.

ricky: Steve... Merchant. Little Karl. Now, Karl.

karl: What?

ricky: His homework was to come up with those stupid lateral thinking problems. Uh...

steve: We might, we maybe should give a note, an example of the uh, sort of...

ricky: Oh, uh, Romeo and Juliet, right? Romeo's asleep on the bed, Juliet's on the floor, covered in water and broken glass. What happened? And you ask all these stupid questions, and it's... Romeo's a cat and Juliet's a goldfish.

steve: Awful.

ricky: Again, "What am I thinking?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, come on then Karl.

karl: Alright. Um... first one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There's a bloke lying on the floor, right? He's cut his head, blood's coming out of his head. And all his mates come running up. And... they're all stood round him... and, uh, they don't take their hats off as a mark of respect.

steve: That is outrageous.

karl: Why didn't they take their hats off?

ricky: I'm laughing, but it's probably as good as the real ones.

steve: Oh, absolutely.

karl: These are really good.

steve: Did you make them all up?

karl: Yeah.

steve: No, I mean did you make up all the ones that already exist?

karl: No, no.

steve: That would make a lot of sense.

ricky: Right, a bloke's fallen with his... eh.

karl: He's lying on the floor...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He's dead.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: His mates come running up, they're like, "Awh..."

steve: Wasn't it important, was it important that his head was cut?

karl: Ummmmm... pffft... I dunno. I mean--

ricky: Woulda--woulda-would he be okay if he had been wearing a hat? He wouldn't have been dead if he was wearing a hat?

karl: Wu--what's your answer?

ricky: No... you're meant to answer questions, you can't just go, "What's your answer?" You say, "Whatsedas," and you go, "No," and I have to guess. It obviously something like a motorcycle stunt team or a parachute--

karl: Why didn't they take their hats off?

ricky: 'Cause they're still on their motorbikes or summat. Or--

karl: Yeah, but if your mark of respect to someone you could take your helmet off.

ricky: Getting angry.

steve: What? They're parachutists.

karl: Why couldn't they take their helmets off?

ricky: 'Cause they're still--

steve: 'Cause they're coming down from the sky.

karl: But he's on the floor dead.

ricky: Yeah, well--

steve: Yeah, but they can look down and see him on the floor.

ricky: Are they on the floor, Karl?

karl: They're on the floor as well.

ricky: They're walking, are they?

karl: Yeah, well they're sort of stood there looking at him.

ricky: They're stood there?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: They're stood on the floor looking at him and he's--

steve: They're soldiers.

karl: Why...? But why... if they--

ricky: 'Cause they might be in a battle zone. They might have their helmets on and he's been shot in the head...

karl: No... the--

ricky: Well, that does work, you see this is my point.

ricky: That one works. That one works. Unless you give us a piece of information where that doesn't work... what's the difference? Why is yours different to he's been shot in the head in the trenches and they're looking at him and they keep their helmets on?

karl: I just don't... I just don't think it matters as much. If they're in a trench they're already guarded a little bit. So... they could take their hats off, it's their best mate for God's sake.

ricky: Okay. He's dwelling on this. Are they normal hats?

steve: What kind of hats are they?

karl: Okay, I'll just give the answer.

ricky: No! Don't get ratty. Right.

steve: What kind of hats are they, baseball hats?

karl: If I told you what sort of hats they are you'd have the answer.

ricky: Well, okay I've got to guess what sort of hat it is then, have I?

karl: Right.

ricky: Uh, um, is it a trilby?

karl: Nope.

ricky: Is it a bowler?

steve: I know what it is.

ricky: What?

steve: They're spacemen.

karl: No. Aw, that's a good one though.

ricky: That one works as well.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: This is my point--

karl: I like that one a lot.

ricky: --it works. He's fallen on the moon and they're... uh, not that the moon happened, it was... set up, wasn't it--

steve: Yeah, it was all fake.

ricky: --in a studio, we know that, yeah. Um, okay Karl, what's your answer?

karl: Builders on a building site.

steve: Why is that different to soldiers?

karl: Because... bricks don't fall in wars.

steve: But bullets fly!

karl: Right, next one.

steve: No, let's play a record and we'll come back to it, Karl.

steve: While you think about what you've done.

ricky: Oh, yeah. You've embarrassed yourself--

steve: Let's play some classic Suede.

ricky: Yeah, and this is for David and Kiren I think, who wanted a--

karl: Yep.

ricky: --bit of... bit of Butler at his best

steve: Come on. Crack it on.

ricky: "Oh..."

steve: Coming next, your next... lateral problem number two. Brilliant.

ricky: Suede there.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: I think their second or third single.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: All the way back, 10 years ago.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: You know what I mean ? Metal Mickey.

steve: Mmhm.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9

steve: That was 10 years ago?

ricky: Must have been wasn't it?

steve: Wow

ricky: I think, was Drowners '91? I think so...

steve: Crumbs

ricky: Yeah. Go on...

karl: Right.

ricky: Go on then Karl., la..

karl: Second one, this is a bit easier but I still think it's a good one.

steve: So this is a uh.. we should explain what this is if you've just tuned in.

ricky: It's..uh.. one of those stupid lateral thinking problems.

steve: That Karl himself has created.

ricky: Yeah, that was his homework.

karl: Right, this one. Umm, it's a fella..he has a normal day doing stuff.

karl: Nothing wrong with him, and...

ricky: It's the twist in the tale. Just like Tales of the Unexpected. Just a normal day, nothing wrong with him. Hold on though, he's got the legs of a fish!

steve: Yeah

ricky: That's why he's been hiding his legs! Go on...

karl: So he does his normal...

steve: The legs of a fish?

ricky: Sorry, Karl. Carry on.

karl: He has his working day an' that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he gets a bit tired.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: Um, goes to bed. Puts the light on

ricky: Mmm

karl: Leaves it on, goes to bed.

steve: Thats crazy!

ricky: That's mental, I can't think what's happened. Anyway, here's Radiohead.

ricky: Uh, right okay. So the question is, why does he put the light on when he's going to bed.

steve: So , a man. He's had a normal day. He's come home from work. Is that right? He's come home from work or he's not working, he's just been out?

karl: Yeah, he's been working an' stuff I think

steve: You think? You've made it up Karl, you can decide.

karl: Umm...

ricky: So, the question is Why has he put the light on when he's asleep. There's a reason he's put the light on when he's asleep?

steve: Has he gone to sleep?

ricky: No Karl! Don't shrug, you're meant to answer these questions!

karl: He..he put the light on before he went to bed.

ricky: And the question you are asking me is why? Whats the scenario?

karl: And the lights on and that. But he's gone to sleep.

ricky: Yeah

steve: He started reading and then he fell asleep.

karl: Erm, no.

ricky: Did he..so he intentionally, for some reason, put the light on.

karl: Every night it's mad it sounds mad.

ricky: It does Karl, doesn't it?

karl: Every night, he does it.

ricky: Yeah

steve: He puts the light on when he goes to sleep?

karl: He puts the light on and goes to bed.

ricky: Karl! Karl! Is the point of this, that he puts the light on for a very good reason?

karl: Nu...not for us, for some people.

ricky: He's blind and it's always been on. And he thinks he's turning it off but it was on in the day and he thinks he's turning it off but he's turning it on. Because he's blind.

karl: No, that would be stupid.

ricky: That works!

steve: That works great, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, thank you Karl. So, you've got to come up with one...

karl: Hang on a minute, hang on! If you're blind, why would you put a light on?

steve: No, he thinks it's off.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, why would you turn it on anyway?

ricky: So he doesn't get burgled, so people know he's in, cos he cant see 'em. So , he puts the light on while he's there and turns it off when he goes to bed. So, people think its fine. He's got it out of kilter, and actually he's walking around in the dark all day

karl: I don't believe that if you're blind you'd turn your light on.

steve: I don't think you'd be living on your own, would you?

karl: I'm not having that for a second.

steve: Do blind people live on their own?

ricky: I'm not having that for a second.

ricky: Well some people do, lonely blind people live on their own.

karl: If..if you got bad eyes.

steve: Any of 'em women. Are there any blind women who are living on their own, Rick?

steve: No, well if you know of some blind women living on their own.

ricky: 087008001234. We've gone through this.

ricky and steve: If you are a blind women.

ricky: With no standards and you don't care about annoying voices and smell.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Then get in touch with you.

steve: You've got to be within the ages of ,say, 25 to 65. You know, well call it 75.

ricky: Fussy. You fussy little sod. Yeah, go on.

karl: If you were blind would you live in London?

karl: Someone said yesterday, there was one struggling outside in Leicester Square. And, I don't understand, if you were bl..you know.

steve: It might have been a tourist.

karl: Yeah, but why come to London if you're blind. It's the worst place in the world to come if you're blind.

ricky: Hear the sights.

steve: To hear the sights.

karl: It's a bit mad, innit?

ricky: Well...well...they do the same jobs.

steve: They have tourist needs, like everyone else.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, but it sort of stinks. And you'd go away going 'Oh it's not that good.' I just don't think...I thought it's a bit weird.

ricky: Well, never mind your concern for the partially sighted or the uh...sight impaired people coming to London. Get on with this.

karl: Yeah. Umm, so..yeah. So there he is.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: A bit tired.

ricky: Yeah,

karl: 'I'll put the light on..and get to bed.'

ricky: Yeah, so he turns the light on and he goes to bed.

karl: Yep.

steve: Shall we play a track?

ricky: He's not...he's not..he's not sleeping on the job, he's a lighthouse keeper?

karl: Well done.

steve: Is he a lighthouse keeper?

ricky: That's not it Karl.

karl: He's a lighthouse keeper.

ricky: Right, why wasn't the light on all the time?

karl: Cos, it's light in the day.

ricky: You idiot, play a record!

karl: What?

ricky: Play a record, you're a buffoon!

steve: No, actually the light isn't on during the day, is it Rick?

karl: No, it's not!

steve: I think you're the buffoon.

karl: You're...Yeah!

steve: Karl has won!!

karl: Wayhey hey hey hey! Wayhey hey hey!

ricky: Hundred Reasons and Silver. On Xfm 104.9. I love the fact that Karl went a little bit mental then. So happy that he thinks a lighthouse keeper pops the light on at the same time every...Are you telling me it's never foggy?

karl: Everyone has a routine in their job.

ricky: Why was he going home from work knackered? What had he been doing all day?

steve: He never said he went home knackered.

ricky: He did. He said he went home. He'd just done a day's work. He said he went home knackered and puts the light on and goes to sleep. That's what he said.

steve: Yeah but he's maybe a part time lighthouse keeper.

ricky: Oh what does he do? Works at the library, does he as well?

steve: Now listen Rick.

karl: Hang on!

steve: Don't jus...I'm really with Karl here.

ricky: What?

steve: He definitely got you.

ricky: And I got it right.

steve: He stitched you up right and proper.

ricky: Anyway, I got right.

steve: Yeah, but then you embarrasssed yourself by saying....

ricky: Stupid.

steve: But you..

steve: You would never put a lighthouse light on during the day.

ricky: What's the next one?

karl: And he'd been painting it that day.

ricky: Oh, had he?

karl: Extra shattered.

ricky: Right, OK

karl: The next one...last one this.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Lateral thinking.

karl: Lateral thinking

steve: And you've ..you've written this yourself? You've had no help from anyone?

karl: No, I've come up with these on my own.

steve: Ok.

karl: Right, last one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: This bloke...

ricky: It's always this bloke.

steve: It's always this bloke.

ricky: Yeah

karl: This bloke, he's got a brother that he...he's never met. Right? They got separated at birth.

ricky: Right

karl: Umm, you know. Anyway he gets this letter in the post.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It says, "oh, I tracked you down"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "Meet me at the airport"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ok.

karl: Soon as he gets to the airport, he goes, "there he is", and he goes walking over. How did he know that was his brother if he'd never seen him before?

steve: They were twins, they looked exactly the same.

ricky: They were born on the same day.

karl: Nah, Steve's got it.

ricky: Yeah, that's what I mean, so he knew they were born on the same day, so he knew they were twins yeah.

karl: I didn't say they were born on the same day, did I?

ricky: No, I was just reiterating.

steve: They would be though if they looked identical.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sorry about that but we've got you there Karl mate.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Hmmm.

steve: You're quite upset about that. That was one out of three though that's not -

ricky: What about this then? Do you know that one, um, er, two brothers, born on the same day of the same mother and the same father but they weren't twins. Why?

karl: Say, say that one again.

ricky: Two brothers

karl: Yeah

ricky: Are born on the same day, of the same mother and father, but they, they weren't twins. Why not?

ricky: This is good radio.

karl: I...

karl: You see that the problem is, I heard you saying to Steve, I'm going to do that one about the shark and the pool, so I'm trying to think -

ricky: This is nothing to do with that one though, is it, clearly!

karl: Um.

steve: Give him the answer, Rick.

karl: I don't know.

ricky: The answer is: they were two of triplets.

karl: Right.

ricky: They had another brother. So do you wanna hear the one about the shark and the swimming pool?

karl: Yeah, go on.

ricky: Ok. A bloke, just in his swimming trunks, walks in to a swimming pool full of man eating sharks. He walks around for a bit and slowly gets out the other side, and he's not bitten or anything. Why not?

karl: Cos they'd already eaten?

ricky: No. They're starving hungry.

karl: He walked through the water

ricky: Yeah

karl: It wasn't like, there wasn't, like, a bridge?

ricky: No. He actually was in the water, soaking wet, the sharks...

karl: He, uh, he had like a metal suit on?

ricky: No, he was naked apart from swimming trunks.

karl: Um. They were real sharks?

ricky: Real sharks.

karl: Swimming about?

ricky: They were real sharks, man eating-

karl: starving

ricky: hungry, yeah

karl: they were really hungry

ricky: yeah

karl: This fella gets in to the same pool?

ricky: Yeah

karl: It's the same pool.

ricky: Exactly.

karl: He walks right... he gets in the steps

ricky: yeah

karl: he walks down, he walks across

ricky: yeah

karl: he's in the water

ricky: yeah

karl: up to his neck

ricky: yeah

karl: and the sharks are near him?

ricky: yeah, they're attacking him

karl: they're attacking him?

ricky: they're actually attacking him.

karl: but he still gets out ok?

ricky: yeah

karl: walks out the other side and he's not, he hasn't got a mark on him.pause.

karl: I dunno.

steve: Go on Rick, what's the answer?

ricky: Well, I was lying about the sharks.

steve: There weren't any sharks in there?

ricky: No, I was lying about the sharks. Complete lie. I just made it up.

ricky: It was just an empty pool.

karl: That's just stupid.

steve: That's our point!

karl: They're rubbish!

ricky: Oh dear. Oh...

steve: Play a record.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: That's rubbish, that.

ricky: Look at his face!

steve: He's so offended!

ricky: Ah... Offended and confused!

steve: Come on, play a song.

karl: Oh, go on then.

ricky: Good fortune, PJ Harvey, on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, obviously. Steve. Karl. Um... I got a real one for ya, and this is a logic question, not a stupid one, um, just very quickly. Um, ten, er, black balls in a bag and ten white balls in a bag, yeah? How many balls do you have to pull out to ensure you've got a pair of the same colour?

karl: Um. Well what's stopping you putting your hand in and pulling out-

steve: Jesus

karl: -four, four, um...

ricky: Because I asked for the minimum number. So what's, how many do you have to pull out to ensure you've got a pair? That doesn't, don't say "all of them, that'll ensure it", what's the minimum number you'll have to pull out?

karl: Eleven. Eleven. Cos you'd, you'd. If they're -

ricky: Why do you need eleven?

karl: What? Because-

ricky: Go on.

karl: There's ten black balls, ten white balls, yeah?

ricky: yeah

karl: Say if you're... for some reason, you pulled out all the ten black balls

ricky: yeah

karl: Right?

ricky: You'd have a pair wouldn't ya?

karl: You'd have a pair.

ricky: After the first two.

karl: yeah

ricky: so what's the minimum number you have to pull out to ensure

karl: two

ricky: no, cos you might pull a white one and a black one

karl: yeah but...

karl: i don't understand what you're saying.

ricky: Sometimes I get that impression, the way you look at me like Helen from Big Brother.

karl: yeah but

ricky: I've always assumed that. What's the minimum number you have to pull out to ensure you have two of the same colour?

karl: three

ricky: yes

karl: yeah. yeah, that's good.

ricky: yeah

karl: yeah

steve: you can use that one.

karl: yeah, that's a good one.

ricky: So what's the minimum number you'd have to pull out to ensure you have four of the same colour?

karl: Oh God. Er.... F... Eight?

steve: Was that a guess?

karl: I dunno. I understand the first one, we've done it now.

ricky: Ok, alright, we'll leave it there.

karl: I get that, it's good.

ricky: Good. Ok, now -

steve: White Van Karl?

ricky: This is, uh, yeah, this is where we...

karl: Ah, it's too much.

ricky: If you'd have seen his face then Steve! His eyebrows sort of went down while you were putting that tape in, he genuinely looked pained!

steve: It's like you're back at school isn't it?

ricky: Yeah

karl: It's starting to get hard work now.

ricky: Ok, well we'll just do White Van Karl then. This is your opinions, you can't be wrong on this can you?

steve: There's no right or wrong answer here.

karl: ok.

steve: Ok? But this is where we ask Karl his views on the big news stories of the week, basically we've stolen an idea from The Sun Newspaper, and -

ricky: This isn't cruel this program is it?

steve: [high pitched] Um...! I don't think so.

karl: What, picking on me?

ricky: It's not is it?

karl: It's weird because a few people have said, aw, you're picking on me, it depends how you look at things isn't it?

steve: Sure.

ricky: yeah, but do you like it?

steve: I mean, we can look at it like it's a laugh, so it's not a problem for us.

ricky: Yeah, but you know that we like you, you know you're our favourite... I'm going to say "thing" in the world, but I don't mean that in a, you know, derogatory way.

karl: No no, I'm cool with it.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right. Ok. So your views please, on the fact that attitudes are changing to the possible marriage of Charles and Camilla?

ricky: Oh, what do you think of that?

steve: The Royals at the moment because of recent tragedies are apparently high in the polls, and people are coming around to the idea of Charles and Camilla getting hitched, what is your thought?

karl: Whatever really. I mean, if they're happy with it. The thing that comes out of it most, is it just goes to show right, that there is someone for everyone. Just because, I mean, no disrespect to Camilla, I'm not a good looking person either, but she isn't a stunner and yet she's gone and picked up a Royal

steve: Yeah

karl: So I think it's good for things like that to happen, because it cheers you up, gives you a bit of hope

steve: Thanks Karl

karl: So yeah, It's good. You know, if they're happy. If anyone is happy it's a good story innit?

ricky: yeah

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: yeah

karl: He's had a bit of bad luck and now he's got someone else in his life.

ricky: I'm just, while he's doing this, I'm just doing a list of questions to ask him what he thinks of things in the world, is that alright?

steve: yeah, no problem, I'll just...

ricky: ok

steve: ok, what do you make of, now listen, this may be a non-story, or it may be the biggest story that's about to break, Ulrika Jonsson and Sven Goran-Eriksson's affair? Are you familiar with this? It's over the papers today. Apparently, Ulrika and Sven are going out, although there appears to be no evidence for this.

karl: Yeah, I don't even give it time of day, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Quite right, well done.

karl: It doesn't affect me whatsoever. As long as he does his job well. And what's she doing at the moment?

ricky: Presenting Dog Eat Dog I think.

karl: Right, you know...

steve: As long as she does her job well?

ricky: As long as they both do their jobs well.

karl: Well yeah, at the end of the day, that's going on with a lot of people out in the world, innit? do you know what I mean? Just cos he's an England boss, as long as, you know, we win the games and that, he's doing his job. If she's, you know, get's a dog winning the prize or whatever...

ricky: No, you missed, she's - ok, it's not worth it, carry on...

karl: yeah, do you know what i mean?

steve: yeah

karl: so

ricky: [still laughing]: dog winning a prize!

karl: I haven't seen Dog Eat Dog, what's it about?

ricky: ok, it's alright. go on

karl: so that's it, it doesn't matter

steve: ok, what about this then? are you supported by the nation that a third of us are apparently unaware of saint Georges day?

ricky: 23rd.

karl: Is saint georges day the one with the snakes that we've talked about?

ricky: No.

steve: No. Are you one of that third do you think?

ricky: St George is the patron saint of England who killed the dragon.

karl: Yeah, i mean there's too many of these days in't there? That's the problem. If you make it a bit more special, like Christmas, or you buy presents for each other then people will remember it, but there's so many these days, with easter and Pancacke tuesday and all that.

karl: So It's not surprising. I think as time goes on we'll find that a lot of these days will disappear because, you know, people are busy.

ricky: There'll be new ones won't there?

karl: I dunno. People are busy.

ricky: There'll be like, Gareth Gates day in fifty years time

karl: it's just weird, i mean, i remember being a kid right, going out on a sunday and shops would be shut because it was like, the day of rest and all that, people don't care now, it's like, well we can make some more money, we'll open the shops

steve: yeah

karl: do you know what i mean?

steve: is that a good or a bad thing Karl?

karl: uh, it's good because I remember I used to have to get up early to go and get some bread if we didn't have any in, because the shop would only be open for a couple of hours in the morning, whereas now -

ricky: yeah, i remember that. i remember that. shops shut. and you couldn't get aspirin and stuff, certain things...

karl: exactly, nightmare on a sunday afternoon

ricky: yeah that's right, yeah, pubs didn't open til 12 did they?

steve: oh, do you remember space hoppers?

ricky: yeah. yeah, shut up. can i ask you something?

karl: go on.

ricky: ok, i've got a little list here of things, what do you think of those little pug dogs that are bred and they can hardly breathe?

karl: Evil.

ricky: yeah, what do you think of, um, gays?

karl: Er. They're alright. Do you know what I mean? just like straight people, you get bad ones, you get good ones.

ricky: exactly. we've learned a lesson today, haven't we?

steve: absolutely

ricky: lets play a record.

karl: yeah. what do you fancy? a bit of radiohead?

steve: you don't mind if people think we're gay, for instance, when we go to the baftas tomorrow?

karl: No that's terrible, i don't want that happening!

ricky: why?

karl: Ey? because i'm not, that would be a lie!

karl: And I don't like lying. If I was, I'd say I was gay.

ricky: yeah

karl: but i'm not

ricky: well say you were, just pretend

steve: we won't get in otherwise

karl: no

steve: just a little kiss and a cuddle

ricky: say, "i'm a bit gay"

karl: No. I'm not gay.

ricky: On XFM, 104.9, wow, near the end of the show, innit. You had a good time Karl?

karl: It's been alright, I knew it wasn't going to be a belter today.

ricky: Why, what do you mean? What's up with it?

karl: Because what happens is, the last two weeks have been quite good and we always tend to have two good 'uns, and then one that's just alright.

ricky: Well, let the listening public be the judge of that.

steve: Well yeah, and the Soy committee.

ricky: Yeah, what do you want to do, a clip show of the best - we should do that for our last show, people should vote for their favourite hilarious link!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then we could put it together on the tape, right, is there a raconteur that wants to release, the bit like, "I love" -

steve: Including such favourites as: "do you like gays?"

ricky: And this lad, he had a horse!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (in Manc accent) I scored once, I was stung by a bee!

ricky: And who can forget, that's lovely, shall we do that? Can you, have you kept all these on tape?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So can you do a compilation, people phone in-

karl: It's hard work though.

ricky: No, the next two weeks, phone in for your favourite clip.

karl: No.

ricky: How can they get hold of you, Karl, in the week?

steve: What's your direct mobile number?

ricky: what's your email? what's your email?

karl: it's my name, with @xfm.co.uk

ricky: so karl pilkington

karl: karl dot pilkington

ricky: karl dot

karl: with a K. karl with a k.

ricky: yeah. karl dot pilkington @xfm.co.uk vote your favourite link of the last three months. we should make a little compilation and sell it. and we'd get like, radiohead. they'd love to be on a compilation with us, wouldn't they? wouldn't they?

steve: ooo...

karl: anyway, do you know like, you're always giving me questions in the week, you're always saying things like, "if I put you in this situation, what would you do?"

ricky: like what, like what?

karl: It'll be bizarre things

ricky: like what though, say one

karl: If you had to lick, Barbera Cartlands face, would it be the right cheek or the left cheek?

steve: sorry, does Barbera want her face being licked

steve: i'm just saying, if that's what she's in to, then I don't mind

ricky: she's dead

steve: is she?

ricky: yeah.

steve: so?

ricky: is she? isn't she?

steve: I don't think she is.

ricky: Just be careful, because you can't libel the dead so I'll make sure she's dead before we start saying horrendous things

steve: no, i don't think she is dead, i'm almost certain she's not

karl: no, i don't think so

steve: no, she's not.

ricky: phone in, is barbera cartland dead? 08700 8001234

karl: we'll hve to get chris in

karl: so listen right, so anyway, he always calls up with bizarre stuff like that. and i was watching a programme the other night about snakes

steve: right

karl: and, um, it was like, don't walk through a river that's full of snakes because-

steve: good advice

karl: -they um, they - if you've got a kid in the car, or in the house, turn your radio down if you don't want them to hear stuff like this, but yeah - they go for your tackle.

ricky: why?

karl: i dunno, they just do

ricky: they think it's another little snake

karl: maybe

ricky: with, with swollen cheeks

karl: with earrings!

ricky: with earrings, yeah!

steve: or an anaconda in my case

ricky: with one eye

steve: i'm only joking.

karl: so yeah, and i said to Ricky, what would you do, right

steve: although it is very scaly

karl: you two in the woods, you're having a wander, Steve

ricky: Having a ??

karl: having a wander

ricky: oh yeah

steve: oh yeah

karl: and you walk through, you walk through the river

steve: what me?

karl: yeah

steve: ok

karl: because you're tall, so it's like, you can check out how deep it is before ricky goes through

steve: right

ricky: would you, you do -

steve: that sounds right

ricky: you do do that sometimes don't you? yeah

karl: but a snake bites your tackle

yeah: {{{2}}}

karl: and

ricky: say penis

karl: yeah

ricky: it's the correct word for it, it's not offensive

karl: i know but it doesn't sound nice

ricky: say it

karl: penis but i don't like the sound of it

ricky: oh you dirty little

karl: no

ricky: you dirty little slut karl, you're a dirty little...

karl: it's just one of those words

steve: right carry on with the, lets carry on. what's the story? i'm wandering through a, a river

karl: yeah, and the snake

ricky: bites

karl: bites your penis.

steve: right

steve: you know, you know ricky doesn't leave WC1, why on earth we're going to be anywhere near a river where there's sort of-

ricky: well anyway

steve: -snakes

ricky: yeah

karl: anyway

ricky: yeah

karl: you are in this situation

ricky: yeah

steve: ok

karl: the snake bites you, and i said to ricky, if it's a matter of life or death, would you suck out the poison?

karl: what do you think he said? and the bit I may - because he was thinking about it, you know, like "oh God well you know, he's my best mate and everything, what will I do" and I said, and then, "steve starts sort of groaning like he's enjoying it"

steve: Oh, I'm just trying to remember what I did do, and what did happen in that instance.

ricky: yeah

steve: So I've been bitten on the penis by a snake

ricky: yeah, there's poison in your cock

steve: there's now poison in it

ricky: yeah

steve: i've had a go at trying to suck it out myself

ricky: yeah

steve: but that's not worked

ricky: you'd never master that would you?

steve: i'd never be able to master that

ricky: yeah yeah. It's such a long spine and such a short stubby nob that he's got no chance

steve: yeah, so um

karl: what would you do?

steve: so I have to get

ricky: he's even had lip extensions haven't you, yeah go on...

steve: and would ricky suck it out, almost certainly not

ricky: yeah, that's the answer

steve: he'd let me die a hideous horrible death

ricky: i'd go, is there anyone you want to tell, do you want me to call your mum and dad?

steve: yeah

ricky: how shall i tell them you died, and he'll say tell em I died taking a bullet for a lady

steve: yeah

ricky: yeah, i was beating up some, yeah, some nasty people

steve: would you at least run in to the woods and try and find some kind of animal that could do it for me, some of those monkeys look like they've got a good technique

karl: right...

ricky: stop it

karl: one more song

ricky: yeah

karl: only time for song for the whatsit

ricky: oh we gotta share this one then

steve: i thought there was two

karl: no we've run out of time

ricky: well this is for, this is for The Guardian because they printed my favourite song is If You See A Sailor, it's If You See Her, Say Hello! by Bob Dylan

steve: ok

ricky: and it's song for the ladies and lovers

karl: right, that's it

steve: and i can't believe we weren't allowed to talk about monkeys giving blow jobs! since when is that taboo? it's nature karl

ricky: they go absolutely mental

steve: they love it.