XFM Vault - S01E23 Transcript

ricky: ...go on there Steve...

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Stone Roses on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me, Steve Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: And Karl Pilkington for the last time...

steve: Indeed.

ricky: I'm afraid. So um, you know we're gonna have a little bit of a chat with sowing up some things with Karl, we're giving away that prize, that BAFTA bag and you know...

steve: Playing some great music.

ricky: And we'll just, I mean I'm bringing in my favourite tunes, I'm bringing The Smiths, Radiohead, Cat Stevens, David Bowie, Neil Young, the classics. Steve's doing the same.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: erm, well Karl, last time for, er, yeah, apparently, erm, someone's got it a bit wrong, we're not actually away for 6 weeks, we're away for about 2 months, so we'll be back in August won' we?

karl: Bloody hell.

ricky: Yeah... no don't swear.

steve: yeah that's outrageous.

ricky: On the last show you have to say that.

steve: Already bought the tone down.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cheapened it.

ricky: And I think it's blasphemous as well.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No it's not 'hell' isn't is it?.

steve: Isn't it?

ricky: No, don't think-that's not blasphemy is it.

steve: Taking hell's name in vain?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah but what was it you were saying the other week about how the Queen Mum used to have a right mouth on her?

ricky: What?

karl: No.

steve: I don't we said that on air Karl...

ricky: What?

karl: No but, last week you...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Were saying about that bad language, and i was saying ah, it, they'll, you know there'll come a time when bad language isn't, doesn't, you know matter anymore, you can 'eff and jeff' and stuff.

ricky: Oh, I know what he's talking about Steve.

steve: Really?

ricky: Right, let me explain to you, the listener at home, erm Karl was worried about swearing and as a joke, off-air, it was last week, we were saying that, erm, the Qu-, in the 1940s and 50s the Queen mum used to say things like that, and we were quoting things she'd said.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But but putting 'F's and 'C's in there, and you believed us.

steve: What? So this whole week, you've believed that we somehow, somehow had knowledge that the...

ricky: Queen Mum used to say...

steve: Used to swear like a trooper?

ricky: We were doing fake quotes from her in her voice, but putting in 'F's and 'C's and you believed us. I mean i didn't even think, I mean, I thought you were going along with the joke but it obviously made an impact...

steve: Karl! We've said this, you've got to question and query everything, you can't take things at face value, certainly not if they come out of the mouths of Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Oh right.

ricky: Yeah, sorry about that Karl, that was a little, a little trick.

karl: Oh..

steve: Is there any other things now that as you look back over this time we've...

ricky: Is there anything we've said that as you think about I can tell you now that was a lie?

steve: Anything you've maybe queried or questioned, and thought that doesn't sound right, that maybe Ricky's told you?

karl: Something might come to me...

steve: Okay.

karl: ...later on but...

ricky: Okay, but what about, Karl, I mean, we love you, right obviously we know that, and we've got great affection for you we look forward to this, I'm gonna miss you really, but and I'll tell you what, you've got a heart of gold, now wait till you see what the record is Steve...what I've done.

steve: Is it Heart of Gold?

ricky: Yep.

steve: Brilliant, brilliant. Alright, that's why he's a bronze award winner at the Sony's.

ricky: I don't get up for bronze, I don't get out of bed for bronze.

steve: That was a waste of our time.

ricky: Karl Pilkington over there, there, on Xfm 104.9, winner of a bronze award.

steve: At the Sony's...

ricky: ...at the Sony's

steve: The radio awards.

ricky: ...the radio Oscars so Phill Jupitus said.

steve: Man alive.

ricky: That's what he called them on Liquid News.

steve: I'll tell you this Rick, I'm not used to being on a table with losers, at an awards ceremony.

ricky: No, I'm this, I'm glad, I didn't want to come in to do the final show.

steve: Nah.

ricky: You know, i went straight over and sat with Pete and Geoff, didn't i? From Radio 4, went over with Paul Gambaccini.

steve: I went over to BBC World Service.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know it's lot funkier, lot cooler .

ricky: Yeah, won an award.

steve: Yeah, they swept the boards.

ricky: Yeah, i don't, bronze is nowhere.

steve: What was the mood, er, over here.

ricky: Silver's, silver's...what was the mood here?

karl: The mood, err.

steve: Cos the day after, cos people, well let me tell you now I think Xfm deserve an award, and I thought it was criminal actually.

ricky: But what i did like about, we certainly had the room, cos Pete and Geoff said good luck to us and Christian, that was really nice, and then someone else mentioned us.

karl: James Nesbitt.

ricky: James Nesbitt said 'oh er Xfm and stuff' so we certainly had the...

karl: Paul Gambourchini said something about it.

ricky: Yeah so...

steve: Did he really? What Gambo?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Certaintly had the room, and for a local, you've gotta realise it's a local radio station, you know and err, you can't compete really with Radio 2 and Radio 4 and...

steve: But what was the mood the day after, here at Xfm?

karl: Erm, it was alright, i mean, i think we expected a few more but...

ricky: But you shouldn't take these things seriously anyway.

karl: Nah but...

ricky: It's flattering, never take awards...seriously.

steve: But what I didn't realise Rick, what I didn't realise is you have to pay thousands of pounds just to nominate.

ricky: You're joking.

steve: Just to get into the running for an award so you've already you know, they squandered thousands of pounds.

ricky: Nah, it's not thousands.

steve: It is!

karl: Well, it mounts up because you pay to enter right.

ricky: And then the table.

karl: And you've gotta buy like minidiscs and that, to send you're stuff in on.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Which are Sony Minidiscs.

steve: Hmm.

ricky: Ohhh, i see what you're saying Karl.

karl: I'm not saying anything.

ricky: No.

karl: Erm, and also then, and you've gotta pay for the table.

ricky: Right.

karl: And the food and the drink, i mean it's a few grand.

ricky: I swore on live television as well that night.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But I've never done that before, I mean I've never, I've sworn before but never accidentally, and we were being interviewed for erm, and Christian was sort of like quite, you know, being a bit boisterous and he must have brought out the worst in me, and I acc-, must of accidentally said the f-word, and I apologised straight away, I didn't want to embarrass Phill Jupitus.

steve: Ha...does that himself,yeah.

ricky: He was doing a good job...pff.

karl: But i was thinking about yesterday and you're saying a bronze isn't worth having right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, say like...

ricky: We were only joking, none of them are worth having, but they're very nice, and it's...

steve: No, a bronze is pointless.

karl: But you say that cos like bronze is like coming last innit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, can you tell me the name of the person who won the marathon this year? No.

steve: Yeah but that's because we're not sporty, I'm sure there's lots who can.

karl: But then, the guy who came last, who was in the swimsuit.

karl: People remember him, and he...

steve: No i don't remember his name either.

ricky: No what was his name?

karl: No, but he was 6 days late I mean he was really bad.

ricky: Yeah but what's his name then?

karl: ...err.

steve: you see?, No one's remembering either.

karl: No, but if someone who won the marathon, I'd go 'I dunno but there's that guy in the swimsuit'.

ricky: Well I'd say 'I don't know, it was a woman'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: She had shorts on and trainers.

karl: I'm just trying to make you feel...

steve: My point is what they will remember is that we were losers, that's what they'll remember.

steve: They may not remember our names.

ricky: They'll just point and shout 'Losers'.

ricky: We're all winners though aren't we, we're all winners really.

steve: For taking part sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it's all subjective as well innit.

ricky: Go on.

karl: I mean I'm not going to moan about awards because you've won a lot of them, it's like saying they don't mean jack, but at the end of the day, right, there's some shows that won awards, and you go 'Yeah that's, that's worth an award'.

ricky: I think you've got to treat it, i mean some awards actually boost your profile or career, or your cache or whatever like that, some it's just a nice night out and it's nice to win, but, i don't think you should really take any award that seriously.

steve: What worries my though Rick, as I mentioned on the night is that I, when I was at school, was, I mean you look at me now, you probably think 'he an athletic kinda guy, he's a sporty dude' you know, but at school bizarrely that was not the case.

ricky: No? What were you a bit of an lanky beanpole with stigmat-

steve: As it turns out.

ricky: You joking?

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Oh right okay.

steve: So err, but I got silver err, in the high jump.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And I've done better in the high jump right? Did no training whatsoever, no practice, just turned up.

ricky: You were and a half foot taller than every person in your class.

steve: Well keep, well yeah but wait a minute, people think that if you're tall that makes you easier, it makes it easier for you to do the high jump, surely not because i have got all that leg to get over the pole, that makes it hider, harder, surely.

ricky: But, Don't talk rubbish.

steve: What are you talking about?

ricky: Well of course the taller you are the more chance you've got at the high jump.

steve: What, explain it to me.

ricky: Everyone else, w..what? Right, okay, then, so is it harder a six foot man to step over a matchbox or a baby midget?

steve: A Baby midget... that is tiny Rick.

karl: Hang on, here's something I've learnt remember, after like show 4 or whatever.

ricky: Go on..Show 4!

karl: The flea can jump over the London Eye?

ricky: Nooo! No it can jump the equivalent of if it was a 6 foot man, it can jump about 6 inches high, a flea can not jump over the London Eye.

steve: Yeah, Yes it can, yeah it can.

karl: And...

ricky: (Laughing) Karl...

steve: Tell your kids that.

ricky: Karl! ooh.

karl: Remember...

ricky: A flea can jump over the London Eye, and an ant can lift three Volvos.

karl: But you w ere talking about fitness people and that...

ricky: Go on.

karl: ...remember when we were in the pub right? And your mate Johnny was in there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I think it was.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he was talking about that guy who got done right, cos he entered a wheelchair race...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he shouldn't, and there was nothing wrong with him, his legs were alright.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now he got done because he shouldn't have been involved in it but don't you think, that really, he's really good for doing that because he's not normally in a wheelchair.

steve: Sure.

karl: So he's not used to how they move about.

steve: Yeah.

karl: His arms aren't as strong as the other fellas, who are always in the wheelchair.

steve: Yeah, sure.

ricky: He...

steve: Had his mate pushing him, that was the problem.

ricky: h- and it was motorized.

karl: I'd give him a Gold Plus, just, I, I you know, you're taking a bloke, who's not used to doing something, he does it the first time, and beats the people who're at it all the time.

ricky: What about that woman though, who was disqualified in the shooting, cos she was in a wheelchair, and she was just doing the normal, able-bodied Olympics, right, but, she wasn't allowed to rest her elbow on the arm of her chair, cos they were saying that's an advantage. She was in a wheelchair, and she was shooting, but she was getting unfair advantage, and they said 'You cannot put your elbow on the arm of your wheelchair'.

steve: Sneaky aren't they.

steve: No, they are, you've gotta be careful, you've gotta be careful.

ricky: Do you want to play a...

steve: Some of them aren't even disabled it turns out.

ricky: Hold on though, we're talking about athletes aren't we? What record should we play next?

steve: I'd love to that that single that was out a couple of months back, by Athlete. Let's have...

ricky: Athlete.

steve: Let's have Athlete. Man alive.

ricky: Athlete.

steve: Westside by Athlete, a track that I know you and I have enjoyed Rick.

ricky: Yeah, that's one of our favourite new tracks of the years that one.

steve: ...of the last six or seven weeks.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Very good. More, more of our favourite tracks to come on Xfm 104.9...

steve: You know I was...

ricky: With me, Ricky Gervais.

steve: ...mentioning...

ricky: ...and you...

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: ...and er...

steve: Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Sure. Go on.

steve: You know I was mentioning...

ricky: Shoot.

steve: ...the high jump...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The high jump, d'you know the reason I didn't get the gold, it's faintly embarrassing cos the guy who was, it was just neck and neck me and another guy, in fact he was slightly shorter than I was, and I was using the traditional Fosbury Flop, is the Fosbury Flop?

ricky: The Fosbury Flop.

steve: The Fosbury Flop and he was using a method which I can only describe as 'The Superman', where he was running at the bar, and diving head first over it, I've never seen this technique before.

ricky: It's illegal that's why.

steve: It's incredible... is it not allowed?

ricky: Yeah. The Fosbury Flop only works because his shoulder and... are going over before his head, that's how they got around the rule, you weren't allowed to dive over, cos it was too easy.

steve: Obviously no-one monitoring that.

ricky: Yeah, no-one.

steve: Just the Games teachers having a quick fag.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. What was his name again?

steve: The, the, yeah.

ricky: The fag.

steve: I think his name was Mr Woodbine.

steve: But, er, anyway, he's using this method and it gets neck and neck and I don't know how many chances you get to knock down the bar, but basically it got to the point where I had to get over the bar or I was gonna come second.

ricky: Sure.

steve: And I decided at that point, to use his method... cos he seemed to be doing so well with it, I thought I'll try that then. That looks easy.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: And ran at the bar, launched, didn't actually get my feet off the ground, just hit the bar like I was someone finishing a race, you know...

ricky: Did you have...

steve: ...going through the finishing mark, it's so pathetic.

ricky: Did you have...

steve: It just clattered everywhere.

ricky: I just wanna get this picture of you at the age of, what, 15, 16... 6 foot 5 already probably?

steve: Yeah, probably, yeah.

ricky: Probably what, about nine stone?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Did you have your glasses on?

steve: Of course I did!

ricky: You must have looked pretty sexy.

steve: And probably, probably a small bum-fluff 'tasche.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: As well.

ricky: That must have been good.

steve: Good looking.

ricky: Was it true once, when you were about 16, you decided to wear a dickie-bow to school?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That must have been great.

steve: That was during my PG Wodehouse phase.

ricky: You thought you'd be a hit with the ladies if you were more sophisticated!

steve: Not only that I thought it'd make me kind of kooky and eccentric, like I wasn't already! Six foot seven, goggle-eyed.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Like they're already thinking, there goes a weirdo.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: “There's a weirdo wearing a bow-tie. Brilliant.”

ricky: “Does it spin round mate?”

steve: “What a catch!”

ricky: “Cos you're getting me hot.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: I wore that for about, for about six months and it was in school colours, cos we had to wear a tie at school, this was a bow tie.

ricky: Fantastic.

steve: And mean now I don't... oh man.

ricky: I can't believe it.

steve: I don't know what I was thinking.

ricky: Karl, when you were a little Pilkington, right, if you had hair, what would it be like?

karl: What d'you mean?

steve: You obviously had hair then, back then, what was the style?

karl: Erm, it was like, er, sort of, I had, I had quite sort of, er, fine, er, sort of, straight hair.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: Erm... hairdresser once said to me “You've got the hair of a chinaman.”

ricky: He was a wise man wasn't he! What do you think that meant then!?

karl: He just said you've got the same hair as a Chinese man has; very straight, quite fine...

ricky: Why's he telling... I just imagine this fella going “The Arsenal did well, didn't they sir? Do, do, do... would you like a little something on that? You've got, youhavethehairofachinaman.” 'I'm sorry?' “Nothing, you're not the spy?” 'No, I'm not.' “Thank you, goodnight.”

steve: “You're not my contact.”

ricky: Yeah, lovely.

karl: It was...

ricky: “You have the feet of a fish.” 'Sorry?' “Nothing, it's not you, next!” You have the hair of a chinaman...

karl: It was one of those barbers, it was a cheap one, just on a railway bridge.

ricky: I don't believe that. Go on.

steve: On a railway bridge!?

ricky: That's why it w as cheap, it was very low rent, so he could charge 50p...

steve: That wasn't a barber, that was a man with some scissors.

ricky: Did he go “Oh have to move you there, sir (imitates a train going past), okay back in the chair sir.”

steve: I imagine them on one of those things you always see in old films where you've gotta kind of pump...

ricky: You have to pump it up and down like a see...

steve: ...to move it along the track.

karl: It wasn't as good as that, it was just a normal chair, little wooden hut, and he did have to stop when a train came past, cos it used...

steve: Cos he had to change the signals.

ricky: Just making a few extra bob.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah, oh I love that.

steve: That's Manchester for ya.

ricky: Oh god.

karl: I always remember...

ricky: It wasn't Bernard Cribbins was it?

karl: I always remember him saying, “D'you want your hair washing?” And I said 'Is it free? Does it come with it?' he said “Yeah.” So I said 'Oh go on then.' He said “Hang on, I'll just have to wash these mugs up.” He had like a sink full of mugs.

ricky: Oh god!

karl: “I'll just take these out and then I can wash your head.”

ricky: Oh no.

karl: ...and that's why...

steve: Why did you go to this man?

karl: It was cheap.

ricky: How much was it?

karl: About two quid.

ricky: And when was this?

karl: Oh...go, about, er, eighty... 88, 89.

ricky: Alright.

karl: Yeah.

steve: So what happened to your Chinese hair?

steve: When did it start coming out?

ricky: You have the hair of a bald Chinaman now, don't ya?

steve: You've got the hair of a Chinaman in a box now.

karl: I used to just, erm, work a lot of hours, and I think...

steve: And that's what made it fall out?!?

karl: Yeah, yeah, course.

ricky: No, it's not, it's genetic, you can't stop it...

karl: It's not genetic.

ricky: Course it is.

steve: Is your dad bald?

karl: Er, no he's got more hair than me now I think.

steve: Is your mum?

ricky: Kojak's got more hair than you Karl.

karl: Anyway!

steve: Don't have a go at Karl's hair, that's a bit harsh.

ricky: Oh, look at his little face.

karl: What did it say before in that book before about going bald, it said, er, it had a little tip didn't it, we'll go over them later.

ricky: It says if you're going thin, doesn't it say cut your hair short and something like that.

karl: So it makes you look thicker.

karl: ...or something.

ricky: Yeah, oh yeah, we got, people are offering Karl lots of... we're coming up to that in a few minutes...

steve: We'll go through that...

ricky: ...you can win that Bafta bag.

steve: Shall I remind people what the competition was?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Last week, we were giving away this bag that we got signed by various celebrities at the Baftas, and we asked you to email or write in with your suggestions as to what you have, that you could swap for the bag and it has to be something that will enhance Karl's life, we've had quite a lot of suggestions, I'll go through those a bit later, but some of them are quite eccentric.

ricky: Meanwhile, I'm gonna play one of my favourite songs off one of my favourite albums.

steve: I look forward to hearing it.

ricky: It's Radiohead and this is The Bends and it's Black Star.

steve: Go for it.

ricky: Black Star by Radiohead off The Bends, one of my favourite- we're gonna be playing lots of our favourite tracks, aren't we, also I put together some of my favourite adverts I'd like to play the All City Show, that BT advert, something about London Transport and what else have you got in there, Blockbusters, have you got Blockbusters? Play them.

steve: I'd love to hear that, that'd be great.

ricky: Sugarcubes, Hit on Xfm 104.9, our last show, our last show 'til August.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Sorry about that. We'll miss it. We can't avoid it really, we've got to go away and do some filming, and, er, they're only gonna miss you anyway Karl, they could do without us now.

karl: Zoe Ball's on.

ricky: Yeah, Zoe Ball, who else is after her? She's not doing the whole run is she?

karl: Erm, I think so.

ricky: Is she doing the whole, the whole three months is she?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Tell her not to get too comfortable.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Alright. Don't let her feet... and don't let Big Boy Slim come in with her, cos he mixes up all the records doesn't he and ruins them.

steve: Hey, talking of DJing.

ricky: Go on.

steve: You know I did that storming set the other night...

ricky: Well, yeah.

steve: ...for Xfm.

ricky: Yeah, sure, yeah, go on.

steve: This was down at a little club, in case you weren't aware of it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Anyway went to The Sonys the other night, Karl Pilkington sidles up to me, slips me an envelope.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Ho, ho, ho, 200 big ones in there.

ricky: Did he get paid cash for that?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Two hundred pounds. The tax man won't know about that, cash in hand.

ricky: No, the tax man won't know, cos I mean obviously no-one who's works in the tax office is listening to local radio.

steve: Awwww...

ricky: Yeah, well, so...

steve: No, the tax man will know about it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cos I'll declare it.

ricky: I would.

steve: Put it... yeah, it's going straight down, I'll do it when I get home. Do it when I get in, later on.

ricky: And don't write off rubbish that you buy anyway, like you know...

steve: I won't, I'll do it all above board, officially.

steve: Fill it in correctly, I'll do it now, I'll send it tomorrow, so you get it early, so it's not too busy for you sir.

ricky: Oh, never mind. Oh yeah... erm, also, did you see Liquid News last night?

karl: No.

steve: What is Liquid News, i don't really watch it.

ricky: It's the thing on Choice right and it's sort of celebrity news yeah, and erm, Julian Clary was on and they were talking about The Sony Awards the night before, which we went to, and they said er, something like a relatively unknown had won the entertainment award that we were up for and Christian and Chris Moyles and Jonathan Ross beating off bigger people, not he was beating off bigger people, they weren't suggesting he was...

steve: Was Julian Clary beating off... not again...

ricky: Yeah, and it said, so, er, the people who didn't win resorted to silliness, and it cut, I don't know where the camera was, it must have been miles away, cos it wasn't on us, it cut to me making a little hat for you out of a Budweiser box, a little Dalek thing and then forcing it on your head and you sort of struggling, do you remember that?

karl: I do remember it.

ricky: Yeah. They're always watching.

steve: They were filming us?

ricky: They were filming it, yeah.

steve: That's scary.

ricky: So, yeah...

steve: That's really scary, cos some of the things we were doing.

ricky: Cos I was tying scarves round your head weren't I? We were...

steve: We were touching Karl in an intimate way.

ricky: We were gaying him up.

steve: Gaying him up.

ricky: Weren't we, to make him feel all uncomfortable and everything, cos he doesn't like that sort of thing do ya?

karl: Can't stand it.

ricky: We're gonna be giving you a cuddle about 5 to 3, seriously. We are...

karl: On the way out...

steve: And I've got roaming hands.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know them girls that came up from the radio academy, and sort of said “Oh you're Karl then.”

steve: Coupla fans went up to Karl.

karl: Just on the way out I said to 'em again, I said 'look, I'm not gay.' Because they were convinced I was.

ricky: That's cos if you remember a couple of weeks ago we teased Karl, that he had to go as Steve's partner, to the Baftas, they really meant partners, you know after the show, when he was walking home he was gonna go buy his suit, I actually said, 'they will, they will ask you.' He said “What if they say, as we walk in Steve Merchant and his boyfriend Karl” I went 'Well they won't say that as you walk in; they might overdub it on the television' He was going “What about my mates in Manchester?” and he said “I'm not going.” The risk of someone in Manchester thinking...

steve: Thinking...

ricky: ...that he was going out with you, mind you, it wasn't, it was probably...

steve: Alright, calm down.

ricky: Well if he was gonna...

steve: I see were you're going with that.

ricky: If you were gonna be gay, you wouldn't choose Steve would ya?

karl: Hmm, no.

ricky: Who would you choose if you were gay?

steve: If you could go out with any bloke who would it be?

ricky: Who would it be?

karl: That's a good one.

steve: That's a good one, he's thought about it before.

ricky: Go on, no, no, no...

karl: No I haven't.

ricky: ...of course not. Who would it be, who, who, who, who, if you know, if you were gay what bloke would you go out with?

karl: God, probably, er, Jonathan Ross is alright.

ricky: You gay!!

steve: (Camp Voice) Ooooh hello!

ricky: You fancy Jonathan Ross? You bender!

steve: (Camp Voice) Ooooh hello!

ricky: Oh bender!

steve: You've got his number haven't you? You should get Karl in contact

ricky: I love you Jonathan, you...

steve: (Camp Voice) Oooh hello, Jonathan, I love your film show, you're so funny and handsome and well dressed.

ricky: Rock 'n' Roll With Me, David Bowie, off Diamond Dogs, another one of my favourite tracks.

steve: Cracking.

ricky: Great track innit? Well, it's time for Karl's Room 101, Karl's too shy to obviously ever do this for real, but, erm, we thought that, end, end the run of this with things that Karl hates.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We know everything he likes, we know... so Karl, okay.

steve: I think we should just point out, that we've been inspired by the TV show Room 101, we didn't come up with this ourselves.

ricky: Yeah we did. This is Room 102. Yeah, we'll be Paul Merton and you be Karl Pilkington, right you've got a chance to banish to Room 101 all those things that you dislike, they're never to be seen again, will you please welcome Karl Pilkington.

steve: Who?

karl: Alright? How you doing?

ricky: Alright? Karl, so what's your first, what does this represent? And imagine me putting something on a...

karl: Alright.

ricky: ...on the table next to ya.

karl: Right, well, first of all, it's dead hard to come up with five things that drive you up the wall.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Right, it's not easy, cos there's so many things.

ricky: Yep.

karl: But it's just like you know, picking five it's like someone saying pick your five favourite records, or five favourite films, it's hard so...

steve: You know in Desert Island Discs, you always gets the complete works of Shakespeare and The Bible.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think you should include Ricky Gervais, I think you should always be there already in Room 101, they don't have to nominate you, you always go in.

ricky: Go on then, go on.

steve: So, don't bother putting him in, don't bother putting Ricky in Karl, he's already there.

ricky: Yeah, he's, I'm already there, waiting, go on then.

karl: Right, first of all right, I thought of, I thought of things that we've done in the past.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Like quotes and that, that you were talking about.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: That, that, that quote that people say that, err, money doesn't make you happy, we're just rattling through some here.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That annoys me.

ricky: What?

steve: The quote 'money doesn't make you happy'?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Why?

karl: Cos it does, it clearly does.

ricky: Right.

karl: Without it, life's pretty dull isn't it.

ricky: Yeah, good.

karl: So that's like a little short, short thing and you know then, then, that sort of makes you think about people with money, there was a program on in the week, I don't know if you saw it, Steve, the one Posh, Loaded and...

steve: That was brilliant wasn't it, great show.

karl: So annoying.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: There was a girl on there right, who's from a, from a rich family and that, and, er, you know, it's not her fault if she's from a rich family.

ricky: No.

karl: It's like how posh people annoy people, that doesn't annoy me, cos the way I sound is cos of where I'm brought up and that, and at the end of the day, if you sound posh, you sound posh, it doesn't change you as a person or whatever.

ricky: That's quite true.

karl: But this girl, right, erm, did you see it Steve?

steve: I did.

ricky: I didn't.

karl: You didn't see it Ricky right, this girl goes shopping, she buys like four t-shirts and a crappy little handbag, spends about 1300 quid and she's just wasting it going, you know, the woman's saying 'oh you'll love these, they're really in fashion' she says “oh whatever, I'll probably only wear them once anyway.” and it just, that sort of thing annoys me.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: People with money, you know, who've grafted for it are good, but people who like just get money given to 'em from their rich parents drive me up the wall, there was another point, right, where she's in a shoe shop, right and er, she's got like these big boots and stuff, but part of the problem is, right, she's quite odd looking and that right, but she's got a lot of money so she makes herself look half-decent.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Problem is, she's got fat ankles.

steve: She's got what?

karl: Fat ankles.

steve: Right.

karl: And they drive up her the wall, cos no matter, I mean it's one of them things innit, it's almost like god has gone, “yeah you can have all the toffees and stuff you want, you can have like your nice t-shirts, but at the end of the day love, you're stuck with these ankles”, and you can see these...

ricky: I love the idea of God saying “right, you can have all the toffees you want, and you have nice handbags and that, but you're stuck with these ankles.” 'Oh! God.'

karl: And I really wanted to get a job in that shoe shop where she was going in and blowing her dad's money and she was calling up her dad, saying “Daddy, is it alright if I, you know, I'm just out shopping, I've just bought some shoes that have cost like a grand.” I really wanted a job in that shoe shop, just so I could sit there and when she comes in, you go 'hello love...' whatever her name is, 'lovely to see you here again, got some lovely new shoes in, got these nice new boots everyone's wearing 'em, Victoria Beckham and all the It Girls are wearing 'em, here try 'em on... oh you can't, cos your ankles are so fat, you can't get into these, never mind, here's some boots.'

karl: She really annoyed me and I'm not a nasty person.

ricky: You're not.

karl: But she, brought it out of me.

steve: Karl, I'm worried though about the idea of you getting a job in a shoe shop, I'm not sure you're qualified.

ricky: I liked all the, that's the way round it, some people go 'oh I'd like her to lose all her money or something', he'd actually like to bother go through getting the job in the shop and then just waiting there.

steve: You'd have been too busy mucking around outside on some sort of trolley stuck on a little lake.

ricky: Yeah! On the...

steve: But interestingly in that show, I was watching that show and at one point, you mentioned that her fat heels, or her fat ankles, she said 'oh I'd like to have various changes to my body, plastic surgery, I'd like to do this to my face and...' and her mum's there, and her mum's going “no, don't, that's- you're my daughter, you're beautiful... no you shouldn't, I'm not gonna let you have those...”, she went 'I'd love to an operation on my fat ankles', her mum went “Yeah, I do agree with that.”

steve: What kind of a mother does that?

ricky: How bad can fat ankles be?

steve: I know!

ricky: What were these ankles like?

steve: Tell us Rick, you must know.

ricky: No, d'you know what I mean though.

karl: No, they were like, if you said to a little kid, say a 4 year old kid, draw a person, that's, they'd draw her legs, you know where there's no sort of thin bit, and then it comes out a bit for your knees and goes down to ankles.

ricky: Oh yeah and they just stretch...

karl: ...it was just like two logs.

ricky: People going up to her saying “I like your new flares.” 'What do you mean flares? They're leggings.'

ricky: 'Cheeky...', go on.

karl: Awful, so, you know.

ricky: Okay, so you're putting in posh girls with fat ankles.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, okay. What's your next one on Room 101.

karl: Right, another quick one, really, erm, people in supermarkets.

steve: Right, what the people who serve?

karl: Yeah. It's mainly these shops you get round in London, that are like open 24 hours, right, you'll go in and buy your, you know, you don't do your main shop there, it's mainly little bits innit, your carton of milk...

ricky: Sure.

karl: ...and maybe a loaf; couple of Barm Cakes and that and you go in there...

ricky: Who still buys Barm Cakes? Do they have 'em in London?

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Do you ever ask? Would you be annoyed if they said 'Barm Cakes, we don't have those down here, they're rubbish.'

karl: That's happened before, when I've asked for gravy and they didn't know what gravy was.

ricky: When did you ask for gravy!

karl: In a chippie.

ricky: What d'you mean? What did you say, 'have you got any gravy?'

karl: Just because, you do, up North you have chips and pie and gravy on it, and they didn't have a clue what I was talking about.

ricky: Right. Okay.

karl: So that annoys me actually, stick that on the list.

steve: You've got fishmen up North.

karl: But listen right. You'll go...

ricky: We saw a sign in the North, right, it was a little shop and the sign said 'We sell bread.'

ricky: It was hand-written, it was probably like a rush, with loads of people in turbans going...

steve: “What's this bread you talk of?”

ricky: Yeah, head scarves, little woman running down with their little...

karl: But anyway, these shops right, so you go in there, getting your stuff and you'll go up to the till and they don't say hello to ya, they don't sort of smile, they just bleep the stuff through, they don't tell you how much it is, they just sort of expect you to look at the till, to see how much it is, so you can get your hand in your pocket, give 'em the money, they'll give you the change and they won't say goodbye.

steve: Yep.

karl: So, it's like, just can't be arsed to have any sort of 'hello, how you doing', I don't want a big chat, I don't wanna know what they're getting up to.

steve: Sure.

karl: What their dad does for a living and all that, I just want like 'how you doing?', you know 'are you well?', alright, 'this bread's popular or whatever', er right that'll be 5 pounds six...

steve: Cos you need to keep abreast of which breads are selling well.

ricky: “Oh Mother's Pride, that's a good choice, 70% of all our stock is Mother's Pride.”

karl: So that, really annoys me, even though it is a 24 hour shop...

ricky: I'll be honest, I would err on the side of silence, not rudeness, I hate rudeness if they... but I would rather I'd just like 'em to go '£1.50 please' and that would be fine for me any more is...

karl: What about 'hello' and 'goodbye, have a good day'... not in an American way.

ricky: It doesn't bother me, I prefer people who say 'have a nice day' and don't mean it, to people who don't say it at all and don't mean it, to be honest. I'm, I, I don't worry about that mock sincerity, cos I think it does the job...

karl: No, no, no not that, it's just normal isn't it?

ricky: No, I mean, I'm saying I like people who say, I don't care if they say 'nice to see ya, come again, have a nice...' that doesn't bother me, but a chat, I hate people who think they're the life and soul.

karl: No, no, no, I don't mean like that, I mean like...

ricky: When you're going through with a packet of nuts.

karl: No, if you go through a door, you hold it open, you go 'there you go', you know what I mean?

steve: You expect a thank you.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's all.

ricky: Yeah, also when you're coming out the, like a narrow walkway and you're both walking there and, er, I stop or get out of the way, and they 'tut', like I should have, I wanna go 'hold on, were' both in the same boat here, why is it me...' that annoys me where people think...

steve: Oh, tutting when they're in the wrong.

ricky: They think they they own the street, or (he imitates a sigh) if two people aren't looking where they're going, it's one person's fault, that really annoys me, yeah. Sorry.

karl: So, that's it really, I mean, I know they're 24 hour shops and they're knackered and stuff, but politeness, just to say...

steve: Well, it costs nothing does it?

karl: No.

ricky: So those are your little quick ones, then we'll get on to your big three.

karl: The main ones.

ricky: The big ones, shall we play a record and come back to that?

karl: Go on then, what do you want?

ricky: I'm talking to Karl Pilkington on Room 101, on Xfm 104.9.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What you gonna play?

steve: New Order.

ricky: Oh, excellent.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? He's mad. He was shouting at you then, how loud are those headphones?

karl: Err, pretty loud but I'm always wearing headphones , so...

steve: But, look what I'm doing, this is an old radio trick, you put one earphone over your ear and one off, so you can hear people in the room.

ricky: Hives on Xfm 104.9.

karl: What do you want?. What did you want to say?

ricky: Doesn't matter Karl, it really doesn't matter.

steve: The point is Karl, it could have been important, it could have been a fire or anything.

ricky: When we shout anything, you jump.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Come on Karl.

karl: Alright.

steve: Get with the program. Alright? Eh?

ricky: Right, what other things d'you wanna put in Room 101?

karl: Uhh...

steve: Other than us.

karl: Spiders.

ricky: Right go on.

steve: I know Ricky'll be agreeing with this.

ricky: All spiders yeah?

karl: Just, I mean, not all spiders, because there's some spiders that are on the planet, that don't do any harm, err, they clean up stuff don't they.

ricky: What, they've got little brushes?

steve: Do you mean janitor spiders?

ricky: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

karl: No, there's some that you know...

ricky: Hong Kong Leggy.

karl: ...just, just get on with stuff. I'm talking about the spiders that are deadly.

ricky: Right.

karl: And Spiders that are massive. I mean, Johnny's mate, err, Ricky's mate Johnny, I mean.

steve: Yeah.

karl: He was talking about how he was in Australia, and he was sharing a room with a mate or whatever, and his mate was having a shower, and said, er, 'Johnny just come in here a minute', and there was a spider on the side of the bath, that he said was the side of your hand.

ricky: Two hands width, sort of like eight inches across.

karl: ...and, that big right, and the daft thing with that one is that, that can't kill ya, it's massive, it's got no purpose...

ricky: The huntsman.

karl: Yeah, but something it said it does, right, if you sort of walk around it, and it thinks you're gonna try and trap it, it hisses at ya.

ricky: It jumps at ya.

karl: ...it jumps at ya and it sort of clings on.

steve: That's terrifying.

karl: You'd sort of be running around trying to get it off and it's gripping on like the old stag beetle thing again.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's clinging on to ya, but there is no, what I don't understand is, why is that spider that big.

steve: Right.

karl: It only eats stuff like normal spiders do, but it needs to eat more of 'em cos it's a bigger lad.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it doesn't, it doesn't actually do anything, it's not like, I just, I just don't get it.

ricky: It doesn't paint, it doesn't do anything...

karl: It's just getting in the way and it doesn't and it's so big, you couldn't kill it, could you imagine the mess, that it would make. Something of that size, if you stamped on it, yeah which you know, again, I'm not a fan of.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But, erm, I don't get that and then there was a program on a few weeks ago on BBC about spiders, and there was this one right, it was going, you know, 'there's so many spiders in the world' and apparently there's so many of them, they can't give them all names. Right. What they're saying is once one dies out, they'll actually introduce another one. Cos there's so many different breeds of them, that it's impossible to sort of make a book and list 'em all.

ricky: Right.

steve: What the book would be infinitely long?

karl: Well, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's like a queue.

ricky: They're not trying to name them individually are they?

karl: No, no, no.

steve: That's their problem.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Peter...

ricky: Just keep it down to the species. Go on...

karl: This is true this.

ricky: Go on, yeah.

karl: They'll sort of go, the, you know, the give us a spider – The Black Widow, right, The Black Widow, they've all died, so who's next and they'll say here's a red back and that's how they introduce them, so this program was going on about this.

ricky: (Laughing) That's not how they do it.

karl: No, they do, do it.

steve: Okay, your point being?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, anyway there's this little one in Australia right and it shows you some kids being dead happy and playing around in the sun, loving it, you know all healthy and that, you know, love being in the sun and they're playing around the pool, there's a couple of 'em there playing swingball and that, dead happy, not a care in the world, and like the one of 'em goes “oh I'll go swimming, cos I've been playing swingball for an hour, got a bit of a sweat, go for a little breaststroke or whatever” and they get in the pool and they can't wait to have a swim about, and then it pans to the bottom of the pool.

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...and there's this little spider sat there dead still, right, sat at the bottom of the pool holding its breath.

ricky: (Laughing) Holding its breath!!

steve: Okay.

ricky: Cheeks going red, eyes bulging, eight pairs of goggles on.

steve: One goes by with a snorkel - “you should have thought of this!”

ricky: Four pairs of flippers.

karl: It's sat there in the deep end and it pans back to the kids having a good time, chucking a ball to each other...

steve: I can see what's gonna happen here...

karl: It pans back.

steve: ...it's not gonna join in the game is it.

ricky: No.

karl: And what happens is, the kid starts bouncing up and down on the floor, goes and sticks its... the kid goes and puts a foot on the spider, bites the kid and apparently if you're not seen to, you can be dead in fifteen minutes.

ricky: Sorry, sorry why does this spider sit at the bottom of the pool?

karl: That's what it likes to do.

ricky: Animals don't do things they like to do. Animals do things for a reason.

karl: Waiting for a kid to come along, so it can...

ricky: No! It doesn't make any sense! It doesn't make any sense!

karl: Well, that's, that's what it does.

steve: It doesn't go out and murder kids, that's not what it does.

ricky: No! There must be a reason, if you just stopped when you were watching these programs and didn't get involved in the music and the odd, why does it sit at the bottom of the pool, there must be a reason, it either goes there for protection, food, to cool, it does it for a reason, it doesn't go there to wind up swimmers.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There must be a reason, if anyone's watching, please if you were watching that program, I don't know, I don't know about this spider, what's the name of the spider?

karl: I'm not sure, but it did say...

ricky: Okay, 08700 800 1234.

steve: Is it the Duncan Goodhew?

ricky: Is it bald?

karl: I don't know, maybe it does go into other things, like ponds and that, and maybe it does the same to ducks, if a duck stands on it.

ricky: But why?

ricky: If a duck stands on it!!

karl: Err, why?

ricky: I love your brain.

karl: Probably because eventually a kid can get like saved if it's seen to in 15 minutes, but a duck, it's just gonna like wander around and go “god, I don't feel well and what have you.”

ricky: What good is that to the spider?!

karl: Because...

ricky: I'm saying it might kill it, if it might protect itself. It must be in the pond for a reason in the first place, or the swimming pool. It must be down there for a reason, it must have another agenda, evolutionary wise, it can't just do it...

steve: Could it be in training for the Olympics.

karl: Unless it is just cooling. Like those, like those, cos on one of the other programs that's a bit mental...

steve: Oh yeah that one yeah.

karl: The one with the lizards, did I tell you that?

steve: Let's not get into lizards.

ricky: No, okay, go on quickly.

karl: This is a good one. It was a program, a BBC program again, on how insects and animals help each other out, they were saying how you know you might think they're an insects, but they think like humans do, and they all help each other out. And there was this lizard, that's erm, running about in the desert, right and it's going “god it's roasting!” and what it does, it makes a little hole in the sand and it goes under the ground and it cools down right and you see one of the locals, and I think it was in Egypt or something and the Egypt bloke comes walking along.

ricky: The Egypt bloke!

karl: And er...

steve: Is he walking like an Egypt bloke?

karl: What he does right, he's looking out for these holes in the ground, and he sticks his hand in...

ricky: Why does he want the lizard?

karl: He makes shoes and stuff out of it. Right and you see...

ricky: Cobblers.

karl: ... him walking around and he's got about 12 of these things in a basket on his back, they're all looking really fed up and it's dead hot and they can't be bothered trying to escape, they look really fed up, and this bloke's laughing, he's collecting loads.

ricky: I love how he watches this like, cos they sort of editoralise it and make it into like some sort of like evil play.

karl: But then it was saying this deadly scorpion, that man is scared of, is mates with the lizard, and the reason is, that the scorpion goes into the hole, right, it can't dig its own hole, cos its arms are that big and it's awkward for it to dig a proper hole.

ricky: Sure.

karl: So what it does is, it goes into the little den that the lizard's made, right and whilst the lizards having a kip, the scorpion says “tell you what, I'll do you a deal, you have a kip, I'll walk up and down this hole here and sort of scare away any people”, so the lizard's like 'yeah, alright then, fair enough', cos the scorpion wants a little hole to keep out of the sun, the lizard wants a kip, they've done themselves a little deal, the Egyptian bloke comes walking along, sticks his hand in the hole, he thinks he's just gonna get a lizard, the scorpion stings him, he runs off, drops the basket, all the lizards go running off...

ricky: I love the fact that, that is what always happens!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They filmed that just by chance, but that's what always happens, I like the fact that the Egyptian bloke, has done this everyday, everyday he does it, well I've got all these lizards, I'll just go to this hole again, cos I haven't got that lizard yet, this'll be fine.

karl: I just think that...

steve: And when the lizard and the scorpion make that deal, he says 'you have a kip...' and the other one... do they talk in Egypt?

ricky: Do they talk Egypt bloke?

steve: How do they discuss?

ricky: Do they talk Egypt bloke or English bloke?

steve: What language do they use Karl?

ricky: No, it's the international language of love.

steve: But, spiders is what you're putting in Room 101, let's get back to that.

ricky: So spiders, spiders that...

karl: Basically spiders that have got the poison to kill a man.

steve: Because Rick, you know...

ricky: Okay, what about the ones that are just too big for their own good? Don't you want those in?

karl: I don't understand that either.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: Rick, you're scared of all spiders aren't you, even the little tiny ones you find in the bath.

ricky: I don't like any spiders, yeah, I hate 'em.

steve: Is your husband afraid of them as well?

ricky: (Laughing) Oh dear.

karl: What we playing here?

ricky: What we playing here? This is Cat Stevens, 'Silent Sunlight' off 'Catch Bull at Four' at his peak in the 70s.

ricky: Oh, Cat Stevens, Silent Sunlight, Karl just had a funny phone call didn't you? From someone who was telling you all about the Little Brown it's called, is it?

karl: The Little Brown, yeah, that's the name of the spider that sits in the bottom of the pool, he said it doesn't hold its breath, it's got an air bubble.

ricky: I didn't think it did hold it's breath, to be honest, and then as you were, Steve was opening a letter we got, and it's a football song and it's “They Don't Like It Up 'Em” by the Leatherhead Gimpers.

steve: It's the fact that we keep getting sent homemade singles.

ricky: Well, that's good isn't it! Another one here...

steve: They're both football anthems though, we don't... do we show any interest in football?

ricky: Yeah, the world cup we do, don't we.

steve: You're right Rick.

ricky: I've got a bet on as well.

steve: Have you?

ricky: Arsen... Chelsea to win 2-1...

steve: What today?

ricky: ...yeah I've got Chelsea to win 2-1, but Henry to score first, and that's something like 30-1 or something.

steve: Best of luck, best of luck.

ricky: Cheers. Right, so spiders that's the first thing in Room 101 innit, rude people in supermarkets, rude people in supermarkets, spiders that are either can... have got enough poison to kill a man or are unnecessarily big.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Go on then, right, good, going well.

karl: Right, next one, Stars in Their Eyes.

steve: Blimey it's a popular show.

karl: Can't...

steve: ...you might alienate a lot of people.

karl: ...stand it!

ricky: Why?

karl: Just... I think, if you've got a talent, right, erm, there's loads of show you can go on now and make a killing, Pop Idol, what was the other one... Popstars, that sort of thing, so people who will go on Stars in Their Eyes, they wanna sort of be famous, erm, they wanna be a singer, what I don't understand is why go on that show, where, you do all the hard work, gotta do all the graft, and yet, even if they win it, you never see 'em again, the guy who won last year, Chris De Burgh.

ricky: Ian Moore.

karl: Ian Moore.

ricky: ...before last, brought out an album of his own stuff.

karl: Alright...

karl: ...how did it sell?

steve: I bet that sold well.

karl: Exactly. I don't get it.

ricky: What I like is, when someone doing Edith Piaf, like wins a heat and Matthew goes “I don't think you'll be going back to the cleaning job will you”, yep, yes she will, Monday.

steve: Almost certainly.

ricky: Monday. She'll be back there Monday.

karl: And just the way in like the final last week, when the guy who was Elvis won and they're...

ricky: I thought he would though, I thought he was very good.

karl: No, he was good, but will we see him again. Do you know what I mean, what his is job?

ricky: I don't know.

karl: He'll be carrying on doing that, there's gonna be no change to his life whatsoever, he's very good at what he does, but he's wasting his time on Stars in Their Eyes.

steve: So, I don't understand exactly what your issue is, you clearly like the show, cos you watched the final last week.

ricky: He thinks, I think...

steve: You agree the people are talented.

ricky: You think it's a waste of talent to go on Stars in Their Eyes, cos it's not a vehicle to be famous, whereas something like...

karl: Pop Idol, Popstars even Big Brother, do you know what I mean, go on that, sit in a room all day, have a month off work.

ricky: Cos they're all big stars now, aren't they?

karl: Yeah, but what I'm saying is, it's less work to sit in the Big Brother house, now and again just sing a song, and people go 'oh isn't he a good singer', you come out after having a month's rest or whatever it is you have in there, you come out and there's loads of record companies waiting for you to come out and give you a deal.

ricky: And what happens then? When you get a deal and when you cut a record, what happens to that record then?

karl: It either sells or it doesn't.

ricky: And... and actually, what happened to it?

karl: It didn't sell.

ricky: No, none of them did.

karl: But, what I'm saying is, that is a lot easier to do, than all the graft you have to do on Stars in Their Eyes, and the pressure.

ricky: What would you rather do, buy Craig's Christmas record, or Ian Moore's classics?

karl: Probably Craig, just because the guy on Stars in Their Eyes really thought he was better than Chris De Burgh. When he was singing...

steve: I think I'm better than Chris De Burgh.

karl: He was singing, Chris De Burgh came walking on...

ricky: Did he cry?

karl: ...and he didn't stop and go 'I can't believe it, I'm a big fan', he was sort of carrying on like 'don't interrupt me, I'll have a word with you in a bit'

ricky: You think he should show the man he's making a little bit of a living off, emulating...

karl: A bit of respect.

ricky: ...a bit more respect.

karl: The most annoying thing was...

ricky: I imagine them arguing, wrestling each other to the floor, 'I'm Chris De Burgh', “no, I'm Chris De Burgh”, like two ventriloquists' dummies, just having a fight in the dressing room afterwards.

karl: The most annoying thing of all with Stars in Their Eyes, people who go on and do people like, say like last year someone went on and did Limahl.

karl: Now, if you wanna, the whole idea with Stars in Their Eyes, you get work off that back of that show, by like companies saying don't you, 'who will we book' you can get the real Limahl for thirty quid.

karl: So, why have an imitator.

steve: Well, it seems to me Karl that the show's been going so long that all the big names have already been done, so it's gonna end up having to be, isn't, Limahl or some sort of 50s singer you've never heard of, isn't that the problem?

ricky: I remember when...

steve: It's just, it's just a...

ricky: ... Eddi Reeder was on there, we've had Eddi Reader.

steve: It's just a karaoke contest, I think you're assuming that everyone on there wants to get a recording contract.

karl: They do Steve.

steve: Okay.

karl: In that bit at the back where they say 'and the votes are coming in, let's have a look at the tension there that's going on' and they're sat there and they really think they are Elvis and they are Luther Vandross, sat there, and like if they were all sat there having a laugh.

ricky: (Singing) “Woke up this morning, looked at your picture just to get me started”, filth.

karl: If they were all sat there, sort of thinking 'oh god this is a bit of a laugh innit', but they're not, you can see that they all really want it.

steve: But what I'm saying is who are you putting in Room 101, are you putting in the people who are just there to have a bit of fun?

karl: Everyone involved in that show.

steve: Including Kelly? Talented guy. You don't care? He's going in as well.

karl: He's in there first, and then everyone else, everyone who enters it, the people who go and sit in the audience. Everything.

steve: What would you do Saturday night? You love the show, you watch it every week.

karl: It was just on, when I was getting ready to go out, and there's nothing else on at that time and it was the final on Saturday night as well.

ricky: Yeah, you've gotta watch the final, the live final.

karl: ...the final.

steve: Who would you do if you went on the show?

ricky: Moby?

karl: I'd probably do...

steve: It's not that you look like them though, it's that you sound like them.

ricky: They wouldn't let me on as Tracy Chapman, I was furious. Cos I sound just like her., but they said..

karl: Bowie. Bowie.

ricky: You'd do Bowie?

steve: Can I hear your impression?

karl: No.

steve: C'mon.

karl: No, cos you just said if you could go on, and what have you, and I'm saying that...

steve: It's got to be someone you could do, obviously I'd go on as Will Smith, cos I can do the rapping.

karl: I can't, I can't do it, I'm not a good singer. I've never, never really been into singing, never done a live singing thing before.

ricky: Haven't you?

karl: No.

ricky: Not even in a talent contest?

karl: I did once.

steve: If you...

ricky: What did you do?

steve: ...if there was a talent show on...

ricky: What did you do?

karl: I did 'Walk Like an Egyptian?' by The Bangles and I mimed, dressed up as a woman.

ricky: How old were ya?

karl: It was when I was still going to school. It was like...

ricky: I'd hope so.

karl: Twelve.

ricky: What was the, why did you do that, what did you mime to, and why were you dressed like a woman?

ricky: Where's the logic in this is what I'm saying Karl? What sort of act was this?

karl: I think I had to get hold of some like Egyptian outfit? Couldn't, so I looked in me mam's wardrobe, and I had a dress.

ricky: A dress and a Fez, carrying some lizards, that'll do it, won't it.

karl: I had some boots and a wig on.

ricky: And how did you dance?

ricky: He looks confused!

steve: He's confused by his own act.

ricky: He's suddenly confused.

karl: The best bit was, it was also like a proper talent show where you do it all, so I did like the dancing and the miming, I also did a bit of magic, where I had like a cloth, right and I had it over my hand like that, and the crowd were like 'ooh, god, what's he's gonna do?'

steve: Course they were, go on and what was the trick?

ricky: (Still laughing) They weren't saying that! The crowd going 'oh what's the great...'

steve: One chorus, 'oooh what's he gonna do?'

ricky: “Oh, what's the Great Pilkoni gonna do?”

karl: So, so what I did was, I was stood there teasing them and erm...

steve: Teasing the audience?

karl: And I pulled the... I said “I'm gonna make a bird appear before your very eyes” and I pulled the tea towel off and I just had hold of an egg and I said “oh it isn't born yet.”

karl: They loved it.

ricky: He's so proud of that!

karl: They loved it.

ricky: Look at his face!

steve: Did you come up with that yourself?

karl: Yeah.

steve: You didn't have any help at all?

karl: No, no, I just...

steve: So you did “Walk Like An Egyptian” dressed as a woman, then you did the egg trick...

karl: ...and then I was also playing like a janitor, cos when the next person was singing, I'd come on and all the electric went off and I came on going “Has anyone got 50p for the meter?”

ricky: Oh, you were quite a little showman, weren't ya?

karl: And then like you know the audience...

ricky: Did you win?

karl: ...chucked us some money.

steve: Are you sure you weren't actually employed as the janitor?

ricky: Did you win?

karl: No, I think we came second, this really tarty girl who did Madonna 'Like a Virgin' and I thought 'yeah right!'.

karl: Like, 'you are!, she was a right ropey little woman.

karl: But, err....

ricky: Sour grapes!

steve: Oh brilliant.

ricky: Okay, spiders, Stars in Their Eyes, we better play a track hadn't we?

steve: Indeed yeah. Bit of Tom McRae, this was a track we played a while back, I enjoyed it.

steve: Badly Drawn Boy – Once Around The Block, classic, a retro cut.

ricky: Getting a bit sad now Steve, twenty minutes.

steve: Indeed, you're right.

ricky: I've got so much to say, so much to leave people with about Karl. All the things he's done, looking back, Karl, do you remember when I put a wastepaper bin on your head?

steve: Classic.

karl: Oh, classic time.

ricky: Yeah, do you remember that? What did I do to you today?

karl: You tried to bring the same memories flooding back to me by putting the same grotty bin on me head. But the annoying thing was, last time we did it, it was quite a new bin, did it today, it's rank, all sorts of stuff on it.

ricky: What else did I do? When I saw you were round the corner down there? Go on.

karl: I went to get the paperwork and that you need to produce the show...

steve: Yeah.

karl: And err... came round the corner, Ricky was sort of hiding, and I was concentrating, reading stuff...

karl: ...and he goes...

steve: I don't imagine it was as soft and gentle as that, I imagine it was more like...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: (Laughing) Like that, and he, I tell you what, I nearly exploded, cos he sort of hopped on one leg right and...

ricky: ...and he sort of...

ricky: ...oh I don't know why I'm doing this, but he was walking like that normal, looking down and I went “Eeergh” and he hopped like that and...

steve: Rest assured listeners that if you were here it's not any funnier than it is if you were listening at home. It's only amusing to Ricky.

karl: I tell you what, it makes you feel really refreshed.

steve: What does?

ricky: He was going 'I'm gonna have a heart attack' like that, I was nearly having heart-attack laughing, and he went 'I feel good now, I can see why people sky-dive.'

ricky: He said that would be good for people that were ill. Oh, Karl, oh.

karl: It did make me feel fresh.

ricky: How am I gonna live without Karl for fourteen weeks?

steve: Oh, you'll find other people to irritate.

ricky: Oh dear. Okay, so, right, well, we've got his final entry in Room 101, but we've also had so many emails and letters about this competition, people trying to bribe you with things, they've been great, can you read a few more.

steve: Absolutely, yeah, obviously this is, people are trying to win this bag that we got signed at the Baftas, we've got Graham Norton, Angus Deayton, Alan Davies, Jamie Theakston, Paul Whitehouse, Baxendale Helen, Steve 'Phil Mitchell' McFadden, Peter Davison and Simon Pegg, Steve Wright, all different people signing the big bag.

ricky: Do you know what I think though, I don't think people want that, I think they want to contribute to Karl's existence...

steve: Well, this is what...

ricky: I really genuinely think that Karl's, sort of, you've, you've only been on air... how long have we been doing this... with you, sort of like, you know, in the area, three months?

karl: Yeah, three months.

ricky: I think you've touched people's lives Karl, I don't think they've ever met, well they haven't met you, but I think your soul comes across as like a cross between, I'd put it he's like a cross between a cat...

steve: ...rain man.

steve: But we've had quite a few which are, err, which are... sort of obviously want to further your education, obviously when we're off air, this is something, we're worried that it's just gonna dry up, we've tried hard to educate you, so lots of books, a lot of people suggesting books, The Giant Book of Mysteries, and I mean, if you chose this one Karl, this tells you how 3000 Japanese soldiers literally vanished over night, real life accounts of vampires, the man who planned his own crucifixion, the famous ghostbuster, Harry Price and lots of things about spontaneous combustion.

karl: Is this the one about the woman with the hairball?

steve: It's not got the woman with the hairball in there. I'll have to dig that one out for you.

karl: These sort of books are the thing that I'm after.

steve: These are what interests...

ricky: I've brought in one as well, it's a friend who works with Jane, my girlfriend, called Liz, and she wants to put this forward, and this is 'Trade Secrets: Everything You Will Ever Need To Know About Everything.' And it's just like little tips, you know what I mean...

steve: But there are so many things competing with that, there's another guy who's sent in, he wants to give you a video, entitled Making Love Parts 1 and 2: An Instructional Guide. I'd imagine you'd enjoy that Karl.

karl: Nah.

steve: No? Nothing they can teach you?

karl: Nah.

steve: Sure. The Reader's Digest Book of Strange Stories and Amazing Facts, again, other stuff here, why cat's have nine lives Karl, why meteors are likely to destroy Earth in the next hundred years.

karl: You're wasting your time, in this 'Trade Secrets' book...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Listen to this for a tip - “make a necklace from electrical wire.”

steve: That's a good idea.

karl: But don't plug it in.

ricky: It doesn't say that!

steve: What about this then Karl? Because obviously we're concerned that you didn't get your GCSEs, or that you didn't get as many as you'd have hoped, there's a guy here, this is Victoria and she's saying she's more than willing to give you all of her awards and certificates, she's got six GCSEs, six 'A's, she's got many GCSE's in fact, 6 'A's, 4 'B's, three A-Levels, and a Master's degree in Philosophy, she's willing to give you those certificates, she says you will be the proud owner of qualifications, as the owner of qualifications she has found that anything she says is invariably believed, and that she's popular and very happy, she's willing to give you those qualifications, that's pretty impressive, you can claim they are your own, you have to change your name to Victoria, but other than that, I can see no problems.

ricky: And you'll have to put a dress on and a Fez.

steve: ...and walk like an Egyptian. But, you see there's lots of educational ones and then there's other things that are less useful to you. This is... doesn't say who it's from... but I think it's Ruth and she's happy to give you a statue of an Ostrich, that she made when she was seven.

ricky: How about that?

steve: You love birds, you love animals.

ricky: Statue...

steve: Apparently the legs fell off under the weight of the body. So now it's just a legless ostrich. But even so...

ricky: Even so...

karl: I've only got a small flat.

steve: Sure, another woman here, she...

ricky: I doubt if it's ostrich-sized.

karl: Yeah, it's just clogging up space though innit.

steve: This is Lauren, she's willing to give you some of her handmade Blu-Tak animals, she makes animals out of Blu-Tak, she can give you an elephant, a seahorse, a tortoise, a pig, a butterfly, a fish, snail, even a stegosaurus, or anything you choose.

karl: You see, I've got me heart set...

steve: You've got the books, you're excited about the books.

karl: ...on this book.

steve: What about this, though, this is a Lego alarm clock, with a little Lego man who's got a variety of hats, it says here including biker's helmet and cap, two, I think, of the village people. I don't know, Karl, again, if people are picking certain things up. A clear stiletto mobile phone holder, with pink fur, it flashes pink and green. I think people know that you are gay.

karl: You're not listening.

steve: You are gay.

karl: In this book, listen, right, in this book, little tips and stuff, there's one here about if your dog keeps nicking the remote control, the way to get it off it, ring the doorbell, right, so you've gotta get off your chair, go and ring the doorbell, so the dog goes “what's that?”

karl: It drops the remote control, goes running to the door, you run back and pick it up.

ricky: I love the idea of Karl doing that, and then the doorbell goes and Karl drops it and goes, and it's the dog pressing the doorbell, he gets... sits back round and Karl goes 'oh, no, not again!'

karl: I mean, I really do want... can't I just have this?

steve: You're excited by that are you?

karl: It's brilliant.

steve: What about this one though, that you mentioned. This is a book that's got all those urban legends and stories that you've read on the internet, and it tells you whether they're real or not, it's got the one in there, I know you're very excited about the one with the woman who stuck her head in the microwave.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Eh?

karl: Alright.

steve: So basically she's saying here, that whenever Ricky says it's not true, you can dispute that with your book.

ricky: Yeah. What do you think then Karl? Do you want to have a think about all these gifts?

steve: There's so much stuff isn't there.

ricky: Shall we play a record and then come back?

karl: Can't...?

ricky: Have you found something you like in there?

steve: You're so undecided Karl.

karl: I've told ya, I really like this book.

ricky: Go on then, what is, what else have you found? What tips?

karl: Oh, god, there's loads of stuff in here. Let's just... let's just pick one... at random. Don't be too tidy, leave some areas for hopeful... helpful garden animals to hide in. So when you're cleaning your garden and that, you know, it might look a bit of a mess, but think about the animals that are walking about at night in the dark and stuff. Just little things you don't think about...

steve: Yeah, cos they're pointless.

karl: Little...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Okay then, well, let's play a record.

steve: There's so many to decide on.

karl: Alright what we playing Steve?

steve: This is something from a little compilation that came free with a magazine, Comes With A Smile, it's a good little magazine, this is by Matt Pond PA, and it's called Night's End.

steve: Suppose it's a little bit of new country, which we don't play often, but there's some nice tracks floating about and that's Matt Pond PA, Night's End.

ricky: I've getting very sad, now, 10 minutes to go, so much to cram in. Now, the thing is, Karl's fallen in love with that book, but I feel a bit bad, letting a friend sort of win, when all these lovely people, these regular listeners, so I don't think you can have that, but I tell you what, I'll get, no, I'll borrow that, or I'll buy it for ya,so you can have that anyway. What have you found...

steve: That's safe, you're going home with that.

karl: “Avoid washing up, by boil in the bag food.”

ricky: (Chuckling) I can see why he'd love that.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Is there anything... what have other things have caught your eye though? Put that book down, go on, go on.

karl: Erm...

ricky: One of our regular listeners, who actually wants the bag and wants to be part of your life.

karl: Well, Richard emailed in right and he's got a book, which is similar to the one I like there, which has got like 180 stories in it, erm, sort... most of 'em are like true I think, you know how I was telling you that story about the woman who put her head in the oven, to dry, to dry her hair, cos she liked the way...

ricky: And she boiled her brain.

karl: She stuck it in a microwave.

ricky: Avoid washing your hair, by boil in the brain bags.

steve: So she put her head in the microwave.

karl: Yeah.

steve: ...and boiled her brains.

karl: ...and boiled her brain.

ricky: Sure.

karl: ...cos she thought she'd get the same result as she did from the oven, but it all went wrong and that.

ricky: What do you mean? She used to dry her hair in the oven, and she just like went modern?

karl: Apparently it's like what punks used to do. You can get... you get a different sort of heat off an oven, than you do off a hairdryer, right.

ricky: Sure.

karl: So she thought, I'll do it in half the time, use a microwave.

ricky: Sure. Busy, she was busy, she was late.

steve: I don't understand how you get your head in a microwave, it only works when the door closes.

karl: Yeah, but you jam the little thing don't you.

ricky: Well don't say that, don't say that, don't tut, I don't think it's possible, but don't...

karl: Course it is.

ricky: But, don't do that.

karl: He remembers that story, and said 'I've got a book full of stuff like that', and he sort of sums up a little story that's in the book about this girl, who... she had long hair, right, and she used to always mess around with it, and she's sucking on it, you know how like girls do with the long hair, they sort of mess around with it and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and she's sucking on it all the time, and she was doing this from the age of like 10 and then, I don't know, she's probably abou t 30-odd, and she was doing this all the time.

ricky: Guessing.

karl: ...and she goes 'oh god, me belly's hurting today, mum', and she goes “oh... what's wrong with ya?”, she said 'I don't know.'

ricky: “You're thirty!”

karl: So she goes to the doctors and the doctor's doing X-ray and nothing's coming up, and it's like 'I don't know what's wrong with ya? You're being a bit moany about nothing.'

karl: No, honestly.

steve: He's a very intolerant doctor.

ricky: Yeah...yeah.

karl: She said this is the...

steve: “Piss off!”

karl: 'This is really hurting, I don't know what's up with it', so anyway, they found out some sort of system, of looking at what was going on, and apparently...

steve: X-rays!

karl: No, it wasn't X-rays, cos X-ray, it didn't show it up. It was something else. So, er, anyway, it's only gone and turned into a like... she's been sucking her hair for so many years, that little bits of come off and she's got a giant hairball in her belly. Right.

steve: Wow.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Which was like huge. The size of a rat or something like that, right the size of a...

ricky: It's so interesting what he chose, the size of a rat!

karl: No, no, well the funny thing is, when they eventually got it out, the mum was like 'oh god it was terrible' she actually said it looked like a dead rat.

ricky: Oh. Right.

karl: Cos that was in her belly and that was what was causing all the pain.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And apparently your belly acids don't kill hairs, cos they're so fine it can't handle it.

ricky: Right, you're going for that book are ya?

karl: That's the one I want.

ricky: Who's the winner then? Who's the winner of the lovely Bafta bag?

karl: What's his name? Richard Skollar or something is it?

ricky: Yeah, Richard Skoolar or Skowlar, or something, yeah so he's the winner, so you're gonna get that book coming to ya, I'll get... I'll borrow this book for ya.

karl: I need an email within like 5 working days, to sort of clarify...

ricky: Yeah, so what's your email?

karl: It's [email protected]

ricky: Okay, that's lovely.

karl: I want an email from this guy and I won't be sending the bag out until, I receive the goods.

ricky: We've only got a few minutes, I wanna play Suede and I want to end with a Smiths track, so let's play this.

karl: What is it?

ricky: Suede, Stay Together.

ricky: My favourite Suede track of all time there. Well, we're, oh, that's nearly it Karl, right, what's your last Room 101?

karl: Oh god. It was, err, holidays.

ricky: Holidays?

steve: You want to put holidays in Room 101?

karl: People... who are sort of annoying on holiday.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: You know when you go away...

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: ...we've sort of touched on this before.

ricky: Is this gonna be the Scouse guy?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Go on.

karl: It's so long though, I mean it was an holiday when we went to Tunisia.

steve: ...and a Scouser pissed you off, surprise, surprise.

karl: Yeah...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...but the annoying thing was, you know, when you go on, it was a cheap holiday, like the lesson here is, if you want a good holiday, you've gotta like spend some money, and we didn't on this one, we spent about, I don't know, 400 quid for two of us for like a month or something ridiculous, and we got there and you know, you get to the hotel and you go, we've made a mistake, you know it's a ropey hotel, you know, you can tell like the blinds and stuff as you walk in, they're all dirty and stuff, and you think 'well, let's make the most of it, let's not get down about it, it's a holiday, it's for a rest' and you try and make the most of it, and we had to meet, you know how you have like one of those things where, you get to your destination and the rep says 'right, go and unpack your bags and that, go and sort yourself out in the room, and, err, tomorrow morning we'll meet up at ten o'clock, and I'll go through, the best sort of place to go for camel rides, and the best deals I can get you.

ricky: “Can anyone here walk like an Egyptian?”

karl: So, she says, right tomorrow morning, meet 10 o'clock, in the discotheque, so we get up and we have breakfast and it wasn't a good breakfast, the kitchen was a bit horrible, the food wasn't good, and it was run by sort of midgets.

ricky: What do you mean it was run by midgets, not that there's anything wrong with...

karl: There was little fellas running around, and the annoying thing was one of them sort of started to fancy me girlfriend.

steve: How did he manifest his affections for her?

ricky: You're not saying there's anything wrong with midgets though, are ya? You're just saying it was strange.

karl: No, no, no.

steve: But even midgets, shouldn't be cutting in on Karl Pilkington's territory.

ricky: No!

karl: No, but it's also that thing of, you know they've got little fingers.

ricky: Oh god! I'm so sorry...

karl: It sort of ruins... no, no, no, I'm not, it is a bit of a phobia of mine.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Do you know what I mean, they are nice people and that.

ricky: Sure.

karl: But the annoying thing is...

steve: So what was he doing then? How did he... I don't understand how he was chatting up your girlfriend. Was he crawling under the table so you couldn't see?

karl: Just...

steve: Whispering to her from underneath there.

ricky: Stop it!

karl: Just, you know...

ricky: I don't wanna get a complaint, on our last show.

karl: What's gonna happen, can we just finish this and start up again in a couple of months.

ricky: Oh, yeah, so if you wanna know more about the midget themed restaurant, we'll ta... we'll tell you in 3 months.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's just that, it's just Natasha...

steve: That's fair enough actually.

ricky: Oh yeah, no sorry about this...

steve: You're absolutely right Karl, that's his producer's head on.

ricky: Listen... we'll see you in about three, really it's been a pleasure truly, and thank you to everyone that wrote...

karl: I've got you, I've got you a couple of presents.

ricky: ...letters.

ricky: Have you really?

karl: I've got you both a present. I've got Ricky, erm, you know how like we've done fables and stuff...

ricky: Yeah... yeah.

karl: ...this is like Mr Benn...

ricky: Awww.

karl: ...this is brilliant.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, it's like little fables that Mr Benn goes on.

ricky: Oh, fantastic.

karl: So I want you to learn something from that, for when you come back.

ricky: Okay, brilliant, that's lovely Karl.

karl: I tell you one of the stories I read this morning, it's brilliant, in fact, when you're done with it, give it me...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...cos I haven't finished reading that.

ricky: Alright! Thank you Karl.

karl: For Steve... a little chat up lines book.

steve: A little book of chat up lines.

ricky: That's fantastic.

steve: That's great Karl.

ricky: Well, we'll see... we'll see you in three months, carry on emailing Karl, cherish Karl Pilkington, he sits in a little room by himself, so keep him in touch, and we'll see you in August, I'll leave you with something that we all... we all love. This is “There is a light that never goes out” by The Smiths. Very apt I think. Goodbye