XFM Vault - S02E06 Transcript

ricky:Ash... and Envy, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

steve:Absolutely, yeah, hello.

ricky:That clang you heard there isn't Karl.

steve:No.

ricky:Karl's away, it's Sturgess.

steve:Claire Sturgess is 'ere.

claire:Hello.

steve:You'll know her from The Claire Sturgess Show, but er, we know her from our early days on Xfm.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:And, y'know, we're good friends.

ricky:It's sort of like, old times isn't it, and Karl is er, had a little surprise birthday present.

steve:What's the story with this Claire, 'cause I don't know anything about this.

claire:Well, I, d'y'know, I-I came in on Monday expecting to see his little smiley face-

steve:Sure.

claire:-as usual, and er, they said "well he's not here." I went "what d'you mean?" they said apparently his girlfriend had surprised him and dragged him off to the Caribbean for a week.

steve:Wow!

ricky:No, Canaries isn't it?

claire:Oh Cana- I mean I dunno.

ricky:Yeah, he likes the Caribbean, he likes the crabs.

steve:Yes. Yeah.

steve:I thought he was bored of the Caribbean, I thought he didn't enjoy it last time?

ricky:No he loved it didn't he?

steve:No I don't think he did enjoy the crabs.

ricky:No it was Tunisia he didn't like.

steve:Right. He's been travelling ha'n't he?

ricky:I know yeah.

steve:He gets about.

ricky:He didn't like Tunisia 'cause there's flies the size of matchboxes.

steve:Course.

ricky:And er...

ricky:And er, midgets in the kitchen. No there's nothing wrong with that-

steve:Yeah. "Midges"? Or midgets?

ricky:Midgets he said... in the kitchen...

steve:Right. It was midgets?

ricky:He wasn't saying anything bad, he just said "there were lots of midgets in there."

steve:Lots of midgets in the kitchen?

ricky:And I thought it was- he'd gone away to some sort of like, theme holiday.

steve:Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky:Erm... but er, no this is er, I think Gran Canaria, or the Canaries, or whatever it's... called...

steve:And how old is Karl?

ricky:30.

steve:Is he 30? Is that- is this the big 3-0?

ricky:30 last week I think, yeah.

claire:Oh so it was actually a birthday present, oh I see right...

ricky:Yeah... yeah...

claire:Okay I just thought...

ricky:So but, but, but that's alright.

steve:So have you got a competition that you can er, regale us with Claire? 'Cause er, obviously Karl provides a lot on this show.

ricky:Hold on! We could do White Van Claire!

steve:White Van Claire!

ricky:Yeah!

steve:Have you- are you familiar with this? We ask you-

claire:No?

steve:-the questions, er topical questions, just getting your opinion really on the week's news.

claire:Okay, yeah yeah.

ricky:It's on the spot...

steve:Look forward to that...

claire:But you know I'm a little bit... y'know...

steve:Little bit simple? That's fine.

claire:No just a little bit... y'know...

steve:What?

ricky:What?

claire:I always sit on the fence.

ricky:Oh right.

steve:Well don't sit on the fence-

ricky:You see- you see the worse thing there was, she was saying "I'm a little bit like, y'know, er, liberal or I dunno", and you went "simple?"

steve:Yeah...

ricky:You assumed-

steve:I didn't know, I thought- "I'm a little bit, what, coked up?" I dunno.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Who knows, it's Sturgess, anything could be possible.

ricky:But but, the other thing is with Karl, we didn't know how good value Karl was until we asked him sort of intelligent questions.

steve:Well this is true enough, yeah.

ricky:'Cause he- he looks quite intelligent, doesn't he.

steve:Well this is it, I mean-

ricky:We might discover-

steve:-I don't think we've probed you enough. We don't know what, y'know, your views are.

claire:You haven't probed me enough actually Steve, no.

steve:But we don't know what your views are, y'know, this is what I'm saying, we don't know where you stand. I mean don't sit on the fence, this is the- this is the new Claire Sturgess.

ricky:Yeah.

claire:Okay, okay.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Dynamic...

steve:We're gonna delve deep, find a personality in there Claire. Alright?

ricky:Let's go back to the old days -- how about a bit of The Smiths?

steve:That was beautiful Rick.

ricky:Go on.

steve:Aw you've been practising haven't you?

ricky:Cemetery Gates.

steve:Lovely.

ricky:Smiths. Cemetery Gates. It's a lovely tune.

steve:Mmm.

ricky:Lovely song. There's one bit that worries me about it, it's sort of like a... a- like a teacher warning, who goes "if you must contrive er, prose and poems then the words you use should be your own. Don't plagiarise or take on loan", it's sort of like, well why are you telling us that for?

steve:Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

ricky:Sort of like got people like going, "thanks Morissey, I was-"

ricky:"-actually yeah that's not mine, that's Wordsworth. Right I'm gonna write my own."

steve:Yeah, yeah.

ricky:It's weird isn't it?

steve:Queen is Dead though, one of the great, great album titles.

ricky:I don't think- it's not my favourite album. It was voted best album of all time-

steve:But The Smiths, what I love about The Smiths they just seem to get- like "The Smiths" is just a brilliant name don't you think? It just captures everything about them.

ricky:Yeah, yeah-

steve:Y'know...

ricky:We've got a thing about bad-

steve:Bad yeah... well I was watching, I was watching er VH1 Classic Smooth last night.

steve:And er, I love it-

ricky:Sade?

steve:Sade always on, you can always get- love a bit of Sade.

steve:But erm, Foreigner were on.

ricky:Oh yeah.

claire:Ohh, classic!

ricky:"I've been waiting for a girl..."

steve:And er, well I dunno which- I can't remember which tune it was, but er, the album I noticed it came from - classy album title: Agent Provocateur.

ricky:Ohh...

steve:It's so- it makes my skin crawl.

ricky:But I also-

steve:From the album Agent Provocateur.

ricky:I- I imagine there's a band called Agent Provocateur, erm, and they're from Wigan, it's a girl singer, she's 35-

steve:Yeah.

ricky:-in a tight dress-

ricky:-and it's four blokes with ponytails.

steve:Yeah exactly, yeah yeah yeah.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Doing covers.

ricky:Yeah, yeah exactly yeah.

steve:"Here's one you may remember."

ricky:Yeah, they d- then they play a wedding and they go "we're not doing a wedding again, there was people- there was cake-"

steve:Yeah.

ricky:"-being trodden in, there was kids-"

steve:"Children were just sliding across the parquet floor, they weren't listening to the music."

ricky:Yeah yeah yeah. "Well we got a gig at the marquee-"

steve:Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky:"-coming up soon, this er- endless guestlist, five quid in."

ricky:Ahh.

steve:Ahh, Agent Provocateur, if your band's Agent Provocateur, or "Ay-gent" Provocateur-

ricky:Oh yeah, have you ever been in a band-

steve:Yeah.

ricky:-called Agent Pr- yeah.

steve:But er, but that's gotta be one of the- 'cause it's not- I don't know what that title say- I don't imagine Foreigner have got that sense of intrigue and...

ricky:Well one of my- right, one of the worst names- right okay, T'Pau-

steve:Who?

ricky:Right it's the worst- it's- I'm gonna- yeah let's start "Worst Album Titles" okay? I'll kick off with T'Pau - Bridge of Spies.

claire and steve:Oooohhh!

steve:Oh... Bridge of Spies, is that the one that featured China in Your Hand?

ricky:I assume so, I don't think they did too many. Erm, okay-

steve:Bridge of Spies... Bridge of Spies?!

ricky:Who did this album- who did this album, erm, Beggar on a Beach of Gold.

steve:Beggar on a Beach of Gold, it's got the likes of Collins written all over it, but I know it's not, go on-

ricky:Very close! Mechanics.

steve:Mike and the Mechanics.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Course.

ricky:I dunno what that means.

steve:Good old Mike and the Me-

ricky:"He's a beggar on a beach of gold, just look around you, there's some... money...

ricky:He's saying- he's saying "don't be a tramp there's some money there look mate."

steve:Some gold...

ricky:I dunno what it means.

steve:I think it means that everyone else is rich but he's still poor.

ricky:... yeah. Yeah! I li- actually I like it.

steve:Yeah!

ricky:Yeah!

claire:Oh it's a bit deep for me Steve, sorry.

steve:Maybe you just need a little asterix at the corner, then a little explanation at the bottom of the record cover.

steve:"I'm thinking of buying this, I'm not quite sure what it means; oh! He's very poor originally...

ricky:Nice one. Erm, Chumbawamba.

steve:Well, y'know, what can I-

ricky:Uneasy Listening.

steve:Yes! I bet it was, from the Chumbas! Are they still cracking on? 'Cause they-

ricky:I think so.

steve:-didn't they used to live in a squat?

ricky:They've done about, erm, 400 albums, them and The Levelers.

steve:Mmm, yeah.

ricky:... who's the best, Chumbawamba or The Levelers?

steve:Good question, thanks for asking that, erm...

ricky:Yeah, what's the telephone number Claire?

claire:It's er, 08700 800 1234.

steve:Or you can email ricky dot gervais @ xfm dot co dot uk, worst album titles ever.

ricky:This is like real radio innit?

steve:It's just like Chris Moyles.

ricky:It is innit?

steve:Exactly.

ricky:Ohhhh...

steve:We've got the big fat guy who's on the telly.

ricky:Yeah...

steve:Y'know... and er, his kinda cheeky sidekick.

ricky:Am I er- Comedy Dave?

steve:You're almost as funny as Moyles.

steve:Fingers crossed one day...

ricky:Right Sturgess you've brought in a record haven't you, what're you gonna play, what's this all about?

claire:Well know I just wanted to- d'you know what like, a- a bootleg is? Ricky?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Oh what're you talking about, I've stacked a lot of them up on white label.

ricky:Yeah, go on.

claire:Yeah, yeah? Okay, well no this is quite a good one that Ian Baker brought in the other day.

ricky:Sure.

claire:It's er, it's a bit of Dre, a bit of Snoop Dogg...

ricky:Oh yeah...

claire:Mixed in with Crowded House, I thought you'd love it.

ricky:Hold on!

steve:I'm intrigued.

ricky:The juxtaposition there is exciting in itself.

steve:That's true enough, play it.

ricky:The weather episode, that's Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, Crowded House, I love that.

steve:Enjoyable.

ricky:That works for me, Steve. What do you think?

steve:Yeah, yeah, good stuff, no it was nice, I liked it.

ricky:Well she started off alright, well give her..shall we give her one more go?

steve:I think a round of applause for Claire Sturgess yeah, good effort.

ricky:Yeah, no, that's brilliant, no, that's excellent that, I love that.

steve:Rick, the er, the phone..ah it's just gone. Nah I tell you the phone board had lit up there Gervais.

ricky:Really?

steve:There was a call buzzing through on...

ricky:A call, a call came through...

steve:A call came through on line one, and Sturgess missed it, Karl would never have missed that he knows how valuable they are.

claire:Ohhh I'm sorry.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:That was probably someone with an amusing album title.

claire:No I did get one, Steve, I did get one...

steve:What was it?

claire:I did get one, do you wanna hear it?

steve:Yeah go on.

claire:Erm, ok, this is from Al, who says "What about this: H to H E, who am the only one.

ricky:Sorry? H...

claire:To H E.

ricky:To H E....

claire:Who am the only one.

ricky:I don't know what it means?

claire:No, Van der Graaf Generator.

ricky:Oh, well no wonder. That's a thing that, you, one of those things at a museum init you wind up and you touch and it makes your hair stand on end.

claire:Yeah.

ricky:That's the scientific thing init.

steve:Sure.

ricky:I've given up, Steve.

steve:Yeah no I noticed, I noticed.

claire:Do you know that didn't really make me laugh either so.

steve:I'll be honest I'm thinking that the whole kind of amusing album titles thing we should abandon.

ricky:I..I thought that as I said it.

steve:I..I thought, I'll be honest with you, I thought it was easier than this, I mean Chris Moyles makes it work, that kind of crazy comedy errrrm...

ricky:Okay let's try and have a...

steve:Radio magic but obviously, it's..it's...and I don't think our listeners are into that stuff.

ricky:Erm, ahh k...

steve:I just don't think they can be bothered to get to the phone, I don't think a lot of them are able, I think a lot of them are you know...

ricky:Do you remember when...

steve:Still kinda smacked up.

ricky:Do you remember when we spent about three hours tryna get to the Chris, through to the Chris Moyles show?

steve:Vaguely yeah, what was the g...what was the reason?

ricky:He was doing this, erm...competition and it was um, it was er, titles, song titles with golf, about golf, like so we go, like 'Drive', 'The Cars', and like that, and I was phoning up, I was getting so excited, I wanted to phone up and go "errrmm..Duran Duran golfy golfy golf golf...

ricky:And I just, and I just thought, and it, and I'm, it might, it must have...awh God

steve:Yeah, we spent ages.

ricky:It probably cost me about 30 quid just to ruin Chris Moyles's competition.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:And that was a long time ago.

steve:Yeah those were the days when we...

ricky:Before I realised...

steve:When we realised you know, he was a great talent and one to watch.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Before we'd enjoyed his new, TV shoowwwwwww...

ricky:But erm, anyway.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Erm, let's not slag other people off.

steve:No that's cheap, it's cheap, it's cheap.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Anyway what shall we talk about now then cause that was, that, that all went well.

steve:No I mean that's 20 minutes, that's 20 minutes done.

claire:Fantastic.

steve:And we've nailed, we've nailed amusing album titles, we've, we've done that.

ricky:Errrm...

steve:That's fine, so we need a new gimmick now.

ricky:Oooh, errrm, I tell you what, erm, init...you know, you know, no, no no no, wait wait wait wait...

steve:You've got something, you've got something, ah Ricky's got something here.

ricky:You know when...

steve:Here he comes.

ricky:You go out, you take an umbrella out, right?

steve:You leave the house, you've got an umbrella.

ricky:Right, and it's a really sunny day.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:And then you come out and you go, oh god...

steve:I wish I hadn't bothered with that cause it's in the way.

ricky:Yeah, but then right, imagine when you go out, right, and it...

steve:It's raining, it's raining.

ricky:No!

steve:No...

ricky:You go out without an umbrella...

steve:Ok.

ricky:And then it rains.

steve:Ohhhhhh no!

ricky:What's going on there?

steve:Ohhhhhh no!

ricky:It, that's weird init?

steve:We've all been there, we've all been there.

ricky:So phone in if you've got like, funny, weird observational things that happen like that.

steve:Yeah, yeah stuff like that about umbrellas or any kind of, sort of, accessory or hats, anything about hats.

ricky:Yeah, what's...give the number out again Claire this is gonna be brilliant!

claire:This is gonna be great!

steve:This is dynamite. Tape this one, tape this one.

claire:08700 800 1234.

ricky:Just comedy observations.

steve:Stuff you've thought of, wacky stuff you've thought of, just tell us what...

ricky:Play a record.

steve:What stuff you've come up with, get the Sony people on the phone this is dynamite.

ricky:Suede... Positivity

steve:Absolutely.

ricky:They could always do a good chorus, couldn't they?

steve:They could indeed.

ricky:Erm. I think we could play Pink. Is it just.. is that really way out? Are you saying...

steve:Pink? You can't play Pink.

ricky:... it'd be wrong.

ricky:I like that new one?

claire:Yeah but... whether or not it's in the building

steve:(singing) I'm comin' up so you better get the party started

ricky:Not that one. I like the one Erm...

steve:Do you know who that's written by? Do you know who that's written by?

ricky:(singing) ..and I'm trying to call the nurse but she's bein' a little bitch

steve:This is... this will be of interest to you. Do you know erm... (singing) Let's get the party started, I'm coming up.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Do you know who that's written by?

ricky:Well the way you say it... sounds a bit like erm... (hums)... is it Radiohead?

steve:Thom Yorke, you're thinking? No. (singing) Let's get the party started..

ricky:(singing) ... 'cause I'm coming up...

steve:(singing) I'm coming up, careful, I'm coming up, let's get the party started, please.

ricky:I'll have one more go... is it Johnny Rotten?

steve:It's not Johnny Rotten, but this is the truth...

ricky:Go on.

steve:It's written by that woman with the goggles and the big hat that used to be in Four Non-Blondes.

ricky:Is it?

steve:It's written by her.

ricky:You're not thinking of Snork, are you, from Banana Splits?

steve:No, no, no, no... No I oft.. I oft got the two confused but... Erm... No.

ricky:Sorry, goggle... goggle and the big hat...

steve:She had a big hat, didn't she, and a pair of goggles...

claire:I know exactly the one you mean.

ricky:What do you mean goggles?

steve:...and kind of sort of... sort of a Gypo look about her.

ricky:What do you mean goggles? You can't say "Gypo". What do you mean goggles?

claire:... those flying goggles!

steve:What's the correct word to say?

ricky:Gypsy. Gypo is a terrible derogatory term. Like...

steve:Well she looked like some kind of scrounger...

steve:She sort of had like matted dreadlocks... and...

ricky:Selling clothes pegs? Like... listen...

steve:Yeah. Lucky... lucky heather? Lucky heather?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:She had a big leather hat.

ricky:D'y remember when you got stopped with Lucky Heather and you didn't buy it...

steve:I don't want to talk about it.

ricky:...and then you had some bad luck.

steve:I had some bad luck about ten minutes later...

ricky:Yeah.

steve:So I always stop and buy some now.

ricky:Yeah. (laughs)... so hold on.

steve:I've got shed-loads of it at home because I don't when you've got to throw it away, they don't tell you how long you've got to keep it for, for the good luck.

ricky:6th of January

steve:Is that what it is?

ricky:Yeah, keeping it after that is bad luck... I'm getting confused again aren't I?

steve:No, what it was...

ricky:I don't know which myth to believe in.

steve:Right stop it.

ricky:Go on.

steve:Let's go back to... the... erm... (singing) I've got a party started...

ricky:(singing) So when are you coming up. Yeah.

steve:That is..

ricky:So Fleagle...

steve:Is that her name?

ricky:No! That's one of the Banana Splits!

steve:Now you've confused me.

ricky:Fleagle's the one with the big teeth...

steve:Right.

ricky:...and the goggles.

steve:Right.

ricky:Snork is the one with the... basically... to be honest I think it's an elephant.

steve:Right...OK.

ricky:I think they've pretended they've made up an animal but they...

steve:There's so many people listening that don't know who the Balana Splits are.

ricky:The Balana Splits?

steve:The Balana Splits.

ricky:Right. Listen... yes they know who the Banana Splits are. Even people under 20 know the Bala... Erm... Snork, Fleagle, Drooper... who as the other one?

steve:If you can remember the name of the last Banana Split...

ricky:(laughing) Give out the number! Because I actually want to know this. This is what radio is for. When I can't think of something, they tell me.

steve:Yeah. So which ones have you got?

claire:It's 08 700 800 1234.

ricky:I've got Fleagle, Drooper and Snork.

steve:... I've no idea, no idea.

ricky:God... Fleagle, Drooper and Snork. (singing) Da da. Da da. Drooper and Snork, Fleagle, BINGO!

steve:Nice. Well done. Don't bother calling.

steve:That particular tragedy... or that has been avoided. Yeah, the moments passed.

ricky:I don't know what Bingo looks like... yeah.

steve:Anyway...

ricky:There was one that had sewn up eyes. Drooper I think. Sorry, go on.

steve:No, anyway, erm... my point was this, that... erm...

ricky:Pink.

steve:...oh I can't be bothered.

ricky:No really...

steve:I can't be bothered.

ricky:I think we can play that new one by Pink.

steve:You can't play Pink.

ricky:Why? Because it's too poppy?

steve:They just won't allow Pink on XFM.

ricky:They what?

steve:They will not allow Pink on XFM.

ricky:They what? They're...

steve:Wait a minute that's red rag to a bull!

ricky:I've always been a rebel.

steve:Someone's... someone's telling you, that you can't do something. That's crazy!

ricky:I'm gonna go...

steve:Right, lets also get the new Justin Timberlake single.

ricky:... I tell you what...

claire:The thing is, Ricky you're going to have to nip down and have a word with Foxy, cause we haven't go it up here.

ricky:Really?

claire:Yeah. I mean he'll have it... but...

ricky:I'd love to... Can't we call someone at Capital Radio?

steve:What's that one, no, what's that one by Busted? "That's What I Go to School For", that's dynamite.

ricky:What about Abs?

steve:Abs. The new one from Abs. Dynamite

ricky:Yeah. Erm... Well, play a record and we'll discuss this Pink thing.

claire:Do you want a bit of Cat?

ricky:Oh, Cat Stevens! Yeah, Catch Bull at Four, this is "Sittings", lovely. Piano and everything, innit?

steve:This is the tunr that we were originally going to use as the theme music for TV's 'The Office', that starts again on Monday I think...

ricky:Just play it.

ricky:Cat Stevens, and "Sitting"

steve:I couldn't find Pink, Rick, but I've got the S-Club Juniors.

steve:What do you think?

ricky:Pink is alright. Just because it hasn't got the credibility of like "Nu-Punk" and "Nu-Metal" it's a good tune, its alright... don't... we've never been snobby. We've never worried about credibility, have we?

steve:Hearsay?

steve:They're all down there I can go and get them...

ricky:I tell you what, if you're going to do that I'm just going to play adverts from now on.

ricky:Can we play some adverts?

ricky:Supergrass, Grace on XFM 104.9, I've been forgetting to say that...

steve:Yes.

ricky:It's all gone to pot. Innit? I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

steve:Hello there.

ricky:Little Karl's not here: Claire Sturgess's here.

steve:Absolutely.

claire:Hello.

steve:Cracking.

ricky:Yeah.... now... I think we can play Pink, you know.

steve:Well... I don't know, I mean, I don't to be responsible for it

ricky:No?

steve:I mean, I don't, I don't have a problem, particularly, with the lady. You know, she's made a good effort... with it. And I think, well apparently, it's either number one or it's gonna, it's likely to be number one later this week so, erm...

ricky:So it's not that rebellious, me playing this...

steve:It's not particularly rebellious.

ricky:No.

steve:But, erm... I don't know, I mean what worries me is... erm... that... whether the audience will turn against you and that you'll lose all musical credibility.

ricky:Have I got any?

steve:No... very little, very little.

ricky:I didn't have any... really?

steve:I erm... had an email, just now, and I think maybe this answers why we didn't get very many calls about the erm... "Give us a crazy band name or an album title"

ricky:Didn't give out the number?

steve:They... no no no... they think maybe they're all at the march, the big march.

steve:Which makes a lot of sense because I would imagine that a lot of the, sort of, losers that listen to our show probably...

ricky:What's the march about?

steve:...all sort of agree that, erm... they should go and "protest about a war"...

claire:Oh, it's the anti-war march.

steve:The anti-war march, yeah.

ricky:Protest against a war.

steve:So erm... well I don't really know the ins and outs of this, this whole thing really. It sounds like it's a long way away... I... I don't know why they bother...

ricky:I suppose it's like... yeah... they were asked if they wanted a war and they said no... is that so bad, Steve?

steve:Yeah... Yeah... No I mean good luck to them, I don't think it's going to have much effect to be honest.

ricky:... you don't think...

steve:No, I don't really believe in all that.

ricky:... that Bush is listening...

steve:I don't think he's worried in the ligh... in the slightest. A couple of dropouts and sort of junkies are in the streets, you know... and a couple of old ladies...

ricky:Well, you say that, but what's their names, The Specials, "Free Nelson Mandela"... eight years later he was out

steve:That's true enough.

ricky:So... I...

steve:That's absol... I'd forgotten about that.

ricky:... I think they're... yeah.

steve:... and... and, erm, Live Aid sorted out world hunger.

ricky:Yeah... that was done...

steve:...So that was...

ricky:... and, erm...

steve:...But I think you see, there difference there is...

ricky:..."Ebony and Ivory": no more racism now

steve:But musicians...

ricky:That was done...

steve:...Rick, you see, musicians were involved there.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:...and I don't think any musicians are involved this time, I think well I think David..

ricky:'course they are. They've probably taken their bongos and their didgeridoos..

steve:The tablas. Is that what they're called?

ricky:You can see, they're walking down now. Loads of ponchos...

steve:Yeah.

ricky:You were going to wear a poncho once 'cause you thought it would make you more of a hit with the ladies, weren't you?

claire:Oh but they're so now, ponchos, in Top Shop they are so now.

ricky:So you'd have been ahead of your time.

claire:Yeah.

steve:As ever, as ever.

ricky:You see, I think if you wait a couple of years those clogs will be in.

steve:Exactly. This is what I'm hoping.

ricky:You just...

steve:What about this pipe?

steve:The pipe... the pipe is definitely on the way back at some point...

ricky:Yeah, the pipe and the trilby.

steve:What do you think of a lady... Sorry, as a Lady what do you think of a man who smokes a pipe?

claire:I think it's lovely.

steve:Do you think it's quite sexy?

claire:Yeah.

steve:'cause I think it's quite distinguished.

claire:I wouldn't want to snog you though.

ricky:It takes your breathe away... what?

claire:... 'cause I've given up smoking, Steve.

ricky:...yeah, it takes your...

steve:Well... well I won't be giving you a blowback...

steve:I don't know what that phrase is, Rick, I... I... I gambled with that phrase. I don't know if a blowback... I don't know that could be obscene, I've got no idea what a blowback is.

claire:No I think it is very... very sexy in a sort of a Val Doonican kind of a way...

ricky:He never smoked a pipe.

claire:Did he not?

ricky:No, he smoked a goat.

claire:Oh, right.

ricky:Wrote a song about smoking a goat. About Paddy McGinty's goat, and it blew up.

steve:But, what worries me is that if you look at pictures of the great, sort of, thinkers of our time... you know maybe they're at college or university in the sort of 1930s...

claire:Mmm.

steve:You got those great people, who became the great artists of our century.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:...And you see them in pictures when they're in Oxbridge when they are 19... they're all smoking pipes, in tweed suits...

ricky:Yep.

steve:No young people now are smoking pipes, I fear that its gonna be dead. In like 15 years, I don't think anyone is going to be smoking pipes.

claire:But again, you're way ahead of your time...

steve:I feel like maybe it's me, with a certain profile, maybe I've gotta try and bring it back.

ricky:Yep..

claire:Bring it back. I think so.

steve:And then, you know, maybe we'll be seeing kids in TopShop on a Saturday...

ricky:And let's not forget sniffing snuff!

steve:Some snuff.

ricky:Oh my Nan used to sit there with 2 brown stains just dribbling from her nose.

steve:Lovely.

ricky:Yeah. A little bit of snuff and some gin.

steve:Well this is the thing... but I... cause my friend always said if he won millions of pounds, he'd spend it all trying to bring back, as a fashion accessory, the cape.

ricky:The cape! See I quite like the cape.

steve:Because you can make such an entrance with the cape.

ricky:And a cane.

steve:A cape and a cane, yeah, and a top hat.... I wish people had to wear hats now. I see it on...

ricky:See, I couldn't carry it off because of my shape and size, I'd look like Burty Bassett.

ricky:But you'd look like Basil Rathbone,

steve:Well I'd look pretty good in a, sort of...

claire:You'd cut a good... yeah.

steve:I could sort of sweep into a room.

ricky:Well... see I think you'd look like, and don't get this wrong, dont take this wrong, right, because we're mates. But I think you'd look like a freak with a cape on.

steve:Ok.

ricky:So...

steve:Alright, well...

claire:And at which point would you take it one step further and add the deer stalker, you know, and go the whole Sherlock Holmes...?

steve:Well, I'd have the cape, the pipe, the deer stalker and I'd solve crimes.

ricky:It'd be great, It'd look like... It'd look like, some sort of

steve:You could be my fat companion.

ricky:I could be? What, sort of like, get padding and stuff?

ricky:Yeah. No, I'd like that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

steve:I'd like to solve more crimes, if I'm being truthful. I'd like to...

ricky:I would love to solve crimes.

steve:Like, you know, just to solve one crime would be great.

ricky:I... It wouldn't matter if I solved it, if police came to me and said... I'd just look at the first bloke and go "him."

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Just get it off the streets, you know what I mean? Just like: Tick. Done that.

steve:Sure. Yeah.

ricky:You know.

steve:Yeah but I just thought there'd be something... like I feel like maybe I... Cause you know like in TV shows it always used to be.. you know, they were like... they were a doctor who also solved crimes. They were a plumber, they solved crimes.

ricky:Quincy. Yeah.

claire:Quincy!

steve:Yeah, you know a couple of sort of BAFTA winning writers, comedians. Who also solve crimes. That's good.

ricky:What did Hart to Hart do- That'd be good, wouldn't it?

steve:That'd be great!

ricky:What did Hart to Hart do? They were just millionaires were they?

steve:They were just a couple- a millionaire couple who would invariably, sort of-, you know out- what was the... Murder She Wrote, she was just a novelist.

claire:But they-they-they did that every week though, every week, Hart to Hart...

ricky:Murder She Wrote! She wrote it, and she solved it!

steve:She always solved it...

ricky:It's Brilliant! "Murder She Did" wouldn't have been such a good... sort of- thing no, no.

steve:No. But this is what- you don't seem to get that anymore, you know? People who er, do one job for a living, you know. DJ who also solves crimes.

ricky:A D-

steve:Wasn't- the DJ who solves crimes, that was erm, Shoestring!

ricky:Was he a DJ?

steve:Yeah, Eddie Shoestring was a- was a- was a- was a- a DJ who was also a private eye.

claire:He was! He was a private ear, wasn't he? He was a private ear on the radio.

ricky:Is that what- that was what the thing they did?

claire:Yeah. Not "private eye", "private ear"!

ricky:Is that what they said?

claire:Yeah.

ricky:And how did he solve it? He worked out clues-

claire:Yeah.

ricky:From call-ins and stuff?

steve:No, he used to leave the building! He didn't just-

steve:He didn't just sit there and play records then and try and guess!

ricky:That's great!

steve:Give us a call on the usual number if you've got any idea er, who murdered..

ricky:"Er, and now it's snitch hour. Got a letter here, who recons she knows-"

steve:Well cause I never used- I know a lot of my friends are er, big fans of Midnight Caller. Do you remember Midnight Caller? Was he a DJ who solved crimes?

ricky:Oh that- yeah, yeah. "He just-". Yeah it was one of those late night things in America, wasn't it?

steve:But did- was he a DJ- he solved crimes didn't he?

ricky:I don't know if he'd solve crimes or just solved-

steve:If you've ever solved a crime, email us! or...

ricky:-Solved puzzles! he had one of those Puzzler books.

ricky:Weren't you on the front cover of Puzzler once? One of those things you get... Weren't you?

claire:Hmm...

steve:Puzzler...

ricky:Were you?

claire:Was I?

steve:No.

claire:No...

steve:I don't think so.

ricky:Oh, it was your other friend who's a DJ, yeah-

steve:A friend of mine, yeah. was er, on the cover of Puzzler magazine.

ricky:Yeah, who was- yeah, That's it, yeah.

claire:So, was- was Puzzler a rude thing?

ricky:No! No, it was one of those things that you do-

steve:Those puzzle books you can buy and you-

claire:Oh, actually is a puzzler- oh, I see!

ricky:-You do for coach journeys. And they just put-

steve:They just-

ricky:-people's pictures on without permission!

steve:Yeah.

ricky:I know people that just like, "well I didn't give permission". They just- they just find like, er, like, celebrities and they just get their picture and they stick 'em on the front!

claire:Well they wouldn't use me then, would they?

ricky:Well...

claire:"celebrities..."

ricky:I forgot. I didn't... ey...! Pink...!

steve:Shall we play Pink?

ricky:Yeah.

claire:Oh...

steve:Oh man, go on-

ricky:I don't live by the rules.

steve:Oh, tore ahead. Here we go.

ricky:That was The Strokes and "Kids are"..., "Kids Are Mental".

steve:Yeah, no, you are right-

ricky:No! shut up...

steve:No, the thing is, I-I think if we'd have introduced that as just- and we didn't mention who it was- and we just said "this is the new one from one of those trendy new bands", you know..."The Boomtown Rats" or whatever.

steve:Then um, then I'm sure that these listeners would have happily accepted it.

ricky:Yeah

steve:But as it was, they knew it was Pink and the phone lines have gone crazy, we had upwards of two calls!

ricky:-four!

steve:We had- I'll tell you this Rick, we had between two and four calls

steve:And um... and they've not enjoyed it, they've not enjoyed it.

ricky:Why do we do this show? We don't need to do this show!

steve:Don't they know who we are?

claire:Because you love us!

ricky:We could be on Radio One!

steve:Oh, man alive.

ricky:We could be on Radio Two, probably. I don't know- Virgin... have, I think, called once... um.. uhhagesago

steve:Someone's just emailed, they've said "Pink sounds like Run for the Sun by Buck's Fizz"

steve:I can see what they're thinking. I can see what they're thinking.

ricky:Oh what do they want then?!

steve:Well yes!

ricky:Okay, call-What's the phone number again?

steve:Oh don't- they'll- You know what people are like, they-

steve:D'y remember- I'll never understand who phones a radio- Who tries to- it took us like two hours to fail to get through to Chris Moyles; people will phone radio stations "Can you please play the new one by The Strokes." You- just buy it or you'll have the album, why've you gotta hear it on the radio, what difference does that make? Some guy talks at the end and the beginning of it

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Partially ruins the song. I- I can't understand who phones up for requests!

ricky:We've really alienating our listeners now, aren't we?

claire:Yeah! Nice one.

ricky:We're goin': "We don't care what you think, go and buy it", "We're gonna play what we want and we don't care"

steve:Yeah.

ricky:I mean, we- we're not being particularly funny or interesting, we haven't even got that to fall back on.

steve:I'll tell you what it is Rick: arrogance.

ricky:Laziness!

steve:When you've got a hit TV show on your hands and you're doing the awards, and you're making the kind of money that you are at those massive corporate gigs,

ricky:Yeah

steve:Where they're paying you thousands of pounds to turn up for ten minutes, you don't need this rubbish

ricky:You- I mean and uh--

claire:Steve, Steve, don't-don't you get that then?

steve:I'm afraid I don't, Claire

ricky:No, no, we uh- we carved it up early on, that um, Steve would not be making the sort of money that I would.

steve:Yes.

ricky:And uh, he shook on that.

steve:That was written contractually

ricky:Yeah yeah.

ricky:So I think I uh-

claire:Oh so you did shake on that?

steve:Oh yes

ricky:And it would be horrible to go back- I don't think he realised quite the difference.

claire:Yeah, the huge success.

ricky:I don't think he'd want me to welsh on it.

claire:Right.

ricky:I don't think he'd be happy with himself if I gave him any of it.

steve:I couldn't live with myself if you gave me some of that cash.

ricky:Well what should we play then? What should we play some say- play the Strokes or something?

claire:Can we just save it by playing the Strokes?

ricky:Go on then

steve:Oh they're - it's always good stuff.

claire:Oh thank god for that.

ricky:Electric Soft Parade, Same Way Every Day, is that what you want? Is that what you want?

steve:Do you mean me or the listener?

ricky:The listener.

steve:Sure.

ricky:Is it- what, so they didn't like p- so they want good music do they Steve?

steve:Apparently, Rick, they would prefer, uh good music to Pink.

ricky:They want good music do they? Are you sure they want good music?

steve:They appear to want good music, Rick. Why, hang on- wait a minute what're you thinking?

ricky:Right. I'm gonna thinking of playing a really good record next.

steve:Ohh wait a minute, woah woah woah wooah wooo woooo

ricky:Nuno wait wait- no no no, they've wound me up now! They want good music they don't like- right?

steve:Wooh

ricky:So I will do a little deal with them!

steve:Okay.

ricky:I will play them a fantastic piece of music, as long as they promise to turn the stereo up to number ten.

steve:Wheeyyyh whey whey whey whey- what about the neighbours, Rick? Think about the neighbours.

ricky:What? You'll think they'll annoy the neighbours?

steve:They may n- annoy the neighbours

ricky:Steve, maybe I want them to annoy the neighbours!

steve:Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute-

ricky:What what?

steve:Rick

steve:You know what that was?

ricky:What?

steve:It's the sound of the rulebook being torn up!

ricky:Yes! Yeah. Yeah.

steve:Rick?

ricky:You think I'm playing with fire?

steve:It sounds like it.

ricky:Maybe I like getting burned.

steve:Ohhh Careful, Rick, careful. Because you could scold your hands, but what about your elbows?

steve:I wish I knew what that meant. I wish I knew what that meant. I didn't really think that through...

ricky:Right? This is a great piece of music by one of the greatest bands ever. Okay? It's one of their best songs.

steve:Yeah. That's true enough.

ricky:It is long.

steve:It's a long tune.

ricky:But you don't- what- what?

steve:What, you can't handle that?

ricky:What- you can't- You don't want eight minutes of The Who

steve:Ooh, You don't want eight minutes of cracking music? Then please switch off your radio.

ricky:No seriously, turn the radio up.

steve:Turn it- crank it up

ricky:Turn- crank it up, go!

steve:Rock it up.

ricky:Turn it. Crank it up. Go.

steve:Rock it up.

ricky:That makes up for Pink, doesn't it?

steve:Oh, man alive, oh that's perked me up.

ricky:Oh, it's amazing track.

steve:It's incredible.

ricky:It is. I mean, incredible.

steve:It's textbook rock and roll.

ricky:But that- When I was growing up, I had two favourite lyrics all time. And one of them's in there. "Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss."

steve:Yeah. It sends a shiver down your spine.

ricky:It's fanta- And the other one was um, "It's on America's tortured brow/ That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow."

steve:Nice.

ricky:You know who that is?

steve:Nice, Who?

ricky:Gotta phone in, this should be a competition. What should we give away?.

steve:Um.. Office?

ricky:We haven't got any, have we?

steve:Just- why don't you just sign your signature on a piece of paper or something that's gotta be worth something in a couple of years.

ricky:St- Four quid.

ricky:Four pounds you'll get on eBay

steve:It would cheapen the piece of paper.

ricky:Yeah, it- not if it's a rubbish bit of paper-

steve:I've had an email here-

ricky:Which I probably would sign.

steve:There's an even email here from Davey Munroe-

ricky:Look it's lit up! No, wait a minute, look at that!

claire:Oh, my God!

ricky:They've gone mad! They- answer it, put them live, they might know the answer.

claire:Ohh.. Hang on.

ricky:We'll give 'em something, give 'em some CDs.

claire:How do you- How do you put it live?

ricky:Ohh..

steve:While you figure this out let me just read this email.

claire:No, no, Hang on- no no-

ricky:Go on.

steve:"If you're having to play-" it says here, "if you're having to play extra ad breaks and eight minute long songs, it just goes to show who provides all the material for that radio show of yours. Did Karl secretly write The Office as well?"

steve:And I think to myself... it's like, what- what do you want from us?

claire:Hold on- can we just see if someone's on the phone

steve:On of the most incredible rock and roll tunes ever laid down on vinyl, and you're whinging!

ricky:I know.

steve:Because you'd rather have our inane banter. What kind of a person are you?

ricky:No, they'd rather have Karl's inane banter.

steve:Well, clearly.

ricky:Don't big your roll up, they don't want us at all, Steve.

claire:I've just had a phone call from a very nice girl saying, "where's Karl?" I said, well, you know, he's back next week. What's wrong with me? "No, you're lovely, Claire. But Karl calms the other two down."

steve:Sure, sure.

ricky:Really?

claire:Can we just see if someone's on the phone.

ricky:What are we gonna give him? We're gonna give him CDs or summat. Well, take the name- right, right

steve:We've got nothing, we're running on empty

claire:Anyone there?

ricky:Hello?

john:Hello?

claire:Oh god there's someone there!

ricky:Oh, I've got my headphones on.

claire:Oh, hang on, ohhh

steve:What was the- what was the lyric again?

claire:Stay there, please!

john-paul:All right.

ricky:It's on America's tortured brow. That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow.

john-paul:Life on Mars, David Bowie

ricky:Life on Mars, David Bowie. Easy as that. What's your name?

john-paul:It's John-Paul.

ricky:John Ball?

steve:John, I'll be honest with you. We got nothing. We got nothing to give you.

john-paul:Nah, It's not good enough.

ricky:No, we'll get him summat. We'll give him a- yeah. We'll give 'im an office CD and some-

steve:He doesn't want- We can't keep doing that, Rick, it's pathetic!

ricky:We've got nothing else.

claire:Yes you can.

ricky:They don't give us anything, do they? They don't.... They- [ricky sighs]. It's a wonder we get into the building. No one's around on Saturdays. No one cares.

steve:I know, I know, I know.

john-paul:Office DVD!

ricky:Yeah, okay.

steve:What would you really like, though, if you could have anything?

john-paul:Yeah, office DVD.

ricky:See?

claire:There you go.

steve:Fair enough, fair enough.

ricky:Brilliant. Okay.

claire:Stay on the line, mate, and I'll get you details. Excellent.

ricky:Excellent. That was a competition- we did. That was like real radio!

steve:Well done.

ricky:It was like real radio. Now we've got to play David Bowie, haven't we? That's what they do.

steve:Calm down, Rick, you are- but I can see what you mean-

ricky:Foxy- No, but Foxy would have it.. lined up

steve:Rick, you're gonna have a heart attack.

ricky:Am I?

steve:Live on air.

steve:It'd be dramatic radio and that's Sony. Award winning. I know that.

steve:Any kind of- I seem to remember when Tony Blackburn had his breakdown on air, I think, did he win awards for that? I mean, it was pretty impressive stuff, it was pretty intense.

ricky:Probably. Yeah, what breakdown award? Excellent.

steve:Yeah, have a breakdown, yeah.

ricky:Excellent.

steve:The, uh- This year's best breakdown...

ricky:Tony Blackburn. For Tessa. Tessa, marry me.

steve:Yeah, it was something like that, wasn't it? Didn't he play the same song again and again and again.

ricky:Did he?

steve:Must have been fascinating radio. That sounds like Capital now!

ricky:Oh hooo! Was that satire.

steve:Eh? High five. We've done them.

ricky:Oh, well done. Well done.

steve:Are we own by capital?

ricky:You've got a -Yeah, yeah

ricky:'member what happened last time.

steve:Sure.

ricky:And now Richard Park, who owned Capital. He's the grand...master, what?

steve:The grandmaster?

ricky:He's the grandfather? No- he's a... um

claire:Headmaster.

ricky:Headmaster of, um, Fame Academy.

steve:Oh, is he?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Okay, let's play record now, because you have to lie down.

steve:You're just getting so worked up. And now I can tell when there's an excitement and enthusiasm- and sweat- Beads of sweat run down your brow.

ricky:Well it started off so badly, we had nothing, but then I did a competition, gave away some things. You've got an email that really annoyed you, haven't you?

steve:Well, we can talk about that later.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Um, but, yeah, whenever I see beads of sweat. I know-

ricky:Cheese.

steve:'cause that's not the Ricky Gervais I know.

ricky:Okay.

steve:It worries me. You never work yourself up into any kind of sweat. So you need to just chill out, calm down.

ricky:Okay. Let's- let's play- let's um- We're going so well now, aren't we? What about a bit of Beck would that-?

steve:A lovely bit of Beck, just to chill everything out, just calm everything down.

ricky:Yep. Yep...

steve:All right, all right,

ricky:Yep. Yep...

steve:All right, relax.

ricky:Yep. Yep...

steve:Okay. There you are, you see,

ricky:Yep...

steve:He's gone.

ricky:Yep..yep...

ricky:There it is. Life on Mars, with that great lyric by David Bowie.

steve:Indeed. Although it's not quite as good as. What was the one, was it, Jeff Lynn? [singing] "The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one." And yet they come!

ricky:Yeah. [singing] "And still they come!"

steve:And still they come.

ricky:I wonder what you'd get. Would you get that at Ladbrookes?

steve:I'd like to see, yeah.

ricky:A million to one.

steve:But it's a million to one, and still they come, Claire.

claire:Ooh.

ricky:Yeah. They didn't know the odds.

ricky:They'd go " What are you doing? It's a million to one!"

steve:[laughs, indistinct] some guy-

ricky:There's a million to one on you, we should have put a bet on! Well you didn't-

ricky:You didn't tell me you were coming!

steve:You should have notified us, we could have split it 50/50, we could have made a fortune!

ricky:We could have fiddled it a little bit! I could've gone, well- I could have probably got him up to a million and a half!

steve:Gorg! Gorg, what were you thinking?

ricky:Now you're here, we're never gonna get good odds!

steve:Oh, Gorg, the chances of that.

ricky:Gorgie!

steve:The chances of that happening were a million to one!

ricky:What have you come for? They've probably come for that Quosh

steve:Why didn't you sneak in?

ricky:They've come for that Quosh drink, haven't they? Again. Oh, what are you doing?

steve:You could have snuck down, you could have let us know and flown back and made another entrance

ricky:You know that fella- "We come for that drink you call Quosh" I bet he'd get off with Snork, wouldn't he?

steve:Are you thinking of weird stuff again?

steve:Thinking of crazy ideas again? What about those, uh, Smash aliens, what about- you got something on there, have you- the little?

ricky:Yeah. They went out, right. Without an umbrella.

ricky:Poured down. They got-

steve:It rained, I knew it would, I knew it would.

ricky:[laughs] Yeah! Anyway.

steve:Oh, anyway, David Bowie, beautiful.

claire:Now look, this is spiralling. Can I just mention Lynn, who's just phoned? Because she was queuing up all night outside the Apollo for Bowie tickets, and she got a pair, so she's dead happy.

steve:Oh well done.

ricky:Excellent.

claire:She said can you dedicate that to everyone who's queuing up, so... so do that.

steve:Yeah

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Yeah, best of luck to them, jeez..

claire:And I wanted to tell you about the time Bowie came into Xfm to talk to Zoe Ball.

steve:David came in. Did he? Was this recently?

ricky:Oh, yeah, I remember yeah, yeah.

claire:Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to mention her name, she works in the office. Charlotte. When he walked by her desk, which you have to do when you come to the studio, she didn't actually meet him, shake his hands or make eye contact, but she actually cried... because he was in her vicinity.

ricky:Really?

claire:She actually burst into tears when he walked by. Isn't that- I love that.

steve:Rick. I've made women do that.

steve:So... you know?

ricky:You've got something in common.

steve:A little something in common with David Bowie.

ricky:But they- Yeah, but they... I-I- they whimper and weep when you're ent- Dy'know what I mean? It's sort of like-

steve:There's a lot more screeching as well.

ricky:Yeah, yeah.

steve:There's a lot of screaming.

ricky:Tell 'em about that email you just got.

ricky:Right, I gotta tell the- the, uh- I nearly said the fans!

ricky:People who happen to be listening to Xgm, waiting for the person after us. Who's on next?

claire:Natasha's, not.

ricky:Natasha.

claire:With the football show.

ricky:Right, the football, alright. Um, uh... Steve was genuinely annoyed- I laughed, right? Steve was genuinely annoyed. He doesn't like- he doesn't like rudeness or people insulting him from a distance.

steve:I'm not sure I can find it.

ricky:Oh, what was it? Oh, you gotta find it!

steve:Well, hang on, let me, uh...

claire:Oh hang on.

ricky:This is good radio as well. The sound of a mouse clicking in the distance. I'll just keep talking.

steve:Well it's your- you've sprung it on me.

ricky:I'll just keep talking.

steve:Come on, you can come up with some magic

ricky:What was Scooby Doo on about? A talking dog, that's a bit weird isn't it?

ricky:Awhh, what do they- Um... and then, right, what was that Wacky Races? uhh...

ricky:I don't know if... Hold on, no... No wait a minute, no wait a minute- so why did they run? the cavemen... if they had a cart..

steve:I've got it, I got it.

ricky:Oh go on.

steve:Right, okay,

steve:This was an email. This was an email that was sent through.

ricky:Right.

steve:Uh- and I- This is my feeling. I think if you're going to email an insult, you've got at least be clear what the insult is.

steve:You can't- You can't make me do the work. You can't make me try and guess or figure out.

ricky:No, it's like sending someone hate mail and have to pay postage.

steve:Yeah, exactly, exactly.

ricky:You go, well, if you're going to ss- what you- m- mean?!

steve:Or making you an obscene phone call, but collect. Collect call.

ricky:Yeah. The postman charged you 25p before he handed you a letter bomb.

steve:Exactly, yeah, yeah.

ricky:Go on.

steve:It says, uh. "Mechant!"

ricky:Mechant!

steve:It opens with: "Mechant, who are you call sad!" exclamation mark "At least my mother still don't cut my hair."

steve:"Mechant, Who are you call sad! At least my mother still don't cut my hair."

ricky:Is it an anagram?

steve:I don't know. I feel like it's been translated from French.

ricky:Yeah, yeah, it's Japanese fella who hates ya,

steve:Yeah exactly, yeah.

ricky:And he's got a japanese english dictionary. It's just literal. So, um, how does he know your mum cuts your hair, then? You've never said that on air, have you?

steve:It's not true, Gervais.

claire:Can I just say, I think your hair looks really nice, Steve. I've known you for about five years now. It's lovely.

steve:Thanks very much.

ricky:It does! I laugh- I laughed at you needing someone to say, it looks fine. Yeah, it looks good.

steve:What do you mean it looks fine?

ricky:It does look good. It looks good. He's got a little bit of product on it, hasn't he? Yeah

claire:He has!

steve:Maybe I have, maybe I have. Maybe, maybe Gavin had his fingers all over it yesterday.

steve:Yeah. I have my hair cut by Gavin of West Hampstead, he does a good job.

ricky:Is it called- Is that is what it's called Gavin, or is he a bloke who works in.

steve:It is a Gavin who works in a barber shop.

claire:Do you use that fudge stuff?

ricky:Sorry, no, no, but seriously-

steve:I use a form of clay, a moulding clay.

claire:Yeah that's, yeah.

ricky:Mud, it's mud

steve:Gavin- Gavin recommended it and I've been very happy so far.

ricky:Hold on though-

claire:Rick, what do you use?

ricky:Uh, I don't.

claire:Yeah, yeah.

ricky:I don't, I just sort of-

steve:Well that's obvious.

ricky:No, well I just sort of, like, comb it back and whatever way it falls, really.

steve:Yeah.

claire:Claire titters

ricky:But, um.

steve:You had more questions about Gavin?

ricky:Yeah, no.

steve:I was up seeing Gavin yesterday just having a haircut, there's no- nothing untoward.

steve:And, um, and I was- and I went- I popped past Habitat. There's a Habitat, and it's quite a trendy kind of, um, designer furniture shop or whatever.

ricky:Sure.

steve:And I popped in there, I thought, I'll pick up the, the sort of brochure, the, the catalogue. There was a big stack of the new catalogues.

ricky:You were stunned by the prices, you're gonna tell me, aren't you?

steve:No, I'll tell you what. I was about- walking out with- the guy went, "Whey, whey whey! Where you goin', with the hair? It's a great looking haircut. But where are you going with that catalogue?" I went, "What do you mean?" He went, "it's two quid."

claire:Ooh

steve:You've got to pay £2 for a catalogue from Habitat. And I was- and I said, well, I could get into Argos. I can get as many as I want for free. I can go crazy in Argos. I can get them- Littlewoods to the mail order people. They'll send it to my home.

ricky:Yeah, Yeah.

steve:I gotta pay two qui- There's lingerie in that one.

steve:You know, you've just got, like, some furniture and stuff, and I'm paying two quid for it. If there were some ladies draped over the kind of filing cabinets, I'd be interested, I'd pay two quid!

ricky:I love the fact that you- No what did you say there? You didn't say, "I can go down to Argos and get as many as I like." What did you say?

steve:I did. Yeah, I did. I did, I said, "well, what are you talking about? This is, I- I- why am I paying two quid?"

ricky:That is a bit weird charging for a catalogue cos that's there-

steve:But this is a catalogue just to tell me what I might want to buy!

ricky:It's sort of their calling card. It's like paying for a poster or a sticker.

steve:Exactly. This is what- It's almost like paying an entrance fee to go into the shop.

ricky:Yeah, that's a good idea.

steve:It's a good idea.

ricky:It's a good- I mean, because it's good to just walk around and browse.

ricky:I mean I'd pay a quid to walk around a really good shop.

steve:Yeah. But I tell you this. The, uh, yeah, if Habitat maybe had some kind of, like, sort of centrefold.

ricky:Why don't you do this?

steve:I'd be interested

ricky:I tell you what. A great shop like Habitat, you pay a pound, right? If you buy anything that comes off the thing. If you don't buy anything, you've paid a pound to stop wasting their time.

steve:It's incentive to buy.

ricky:I wouldn't like it.

steve:Sure.

ricky:I wouldn't go in there. I think it's a terrible idea.

steve:Well, anyway, that's that.

ricky:What should we play?

steve:That was a sideways look at the world of high street shops.

claire:I think you should play the award winning Ms Dynamite.

ricky:Yeah, Go on.

steve:Oh yeah she's cracking.

ricky:Yeah.

ricky:Ms. Dynamite. Good that innit?

steve:It's cracking. Yeah, it's very good.

ricky:Yeah. Mercury award winning.

steve:Absolutely.

ricky:Well done.

steve:Yeah. Good luck to her. Good luck to her.

ricky:I must admit, I wanted The Streets, but...

claire:Yeah...

steve:I love the Streets.

ricky:She's a very good second choice. And, you know, wish all the... luck in the...

steve:All the luck in the world.

ricky:Your- I'm looking at your hair.

steve:It's not bad, is it?

ricky:And you've- you have bigged it up so you're quite- so I assume you didn't go to a barger- barber. You've gone this actually proper-

steve:This is a hairdressers. This is Gavin of West Hampstead.

ricky:Right, Okay I'm gonna ask you now, right? And I'm not going to take the mickey, even if it's a hundred pounds, I think you're a fool and I know you wouldn't pay that much, but it's obviously more than a fiver then isn't it?

steve:Yes.

ricky:How much did you pay?

steve:Ricky Gervais, for this haircut... I paid the princely sum- and I was proud of it. 22 notes.

claire:Ooo

steve:But-!

ricky:That's alright.

steve:But I went up to 24 because I was pleased with what I had. Little tip for him.

ricky:Two quid tip.

steve:Two quid tip. I could have just given him one of those Habitat catalogues.

steve:He'd have been pleased with that.

ricky:I the fact that-

steve:Just slap that on the desk.

ricky:Yeah, and he'd've gone: "Thanks very much." And you'd've had to go: "I'm gonna be honest, Gavin, that is not free."

steve:Exactly.

ricky:If that been an Argos catalogue, then throw me out of here, an insult. Look at the price.

ricky:That two quid is yours.

steve:That's yours, you're taking that home.

ricky:Would you prefer the money?

steve:Ha ha ha. Yeah.

ricky:What should we do? I got oh- We usually play a new one around this time. Um, what new adverts have we got?

claire:Plenty, here.

ricky:Here, come on. Are you in any?

claire:No.

ricky:Badly drawn boy. I Imagine that starting a British film.

steve:Yes

ricky:Do you know what I mean, they're jumping on a London bus and they're going around London.

steve:Well, of course, the film About A Boy he did the soundtrack for. So if you were a little bit more up on films and stuff, you'd have already known that that idea has been done and you would have embarrassed yourself and there wouldn't be egg on all our faces.

ricky:Oh, no

steve:But thanks very much, Rick.

ricky:Sorry about that. I'm eating.

ricky:I'm very messy, aren't I?

steve:Yeah, yeah.

ricky:What have you got, Steve? What you got for me?

steve:Rick, I'm glad you've asked. Thanks for asking. This is a Stevie Wonder track. Now, I hope people aren't as offended by Stevie as they were by Pink.

ricky:I'm sure they won't be.

steve:I mean, for goodness sake, he's one of 20th century's greatest artists.

ricky:Yep.

steve:Um, this is from an album, not one of his more famous, Fulfillingness' First Finale.

ricky:Yep.

steve:And this is a track, um called You Haven't Done Nothing but, Rick, here's a little quiz for you. Little pop quiz for you.

ricky:Ooh

steve:There is a very famous, um, backing vocal group here. I mean, they were famous in their own right, but here they're doing backing vocals. I'd like you to identify them. And there's an Office DVD winging its way to you, Ricky if you could spot who it is.

ricky:Right, okay, The pressure's on.

steve:Oh, magnificent, did you not enjoy that?

ricky:Excellent, fantastic.

steve:Yeah. Stevie Wonder, You Haven't Done Nothing from Fulfillingness' First Finale. It's quite tricky that, the backing vocals, they're not particularly prominent, are they?

ricky:Well I'd never get that, well it can't- it could be anyone- that's why I just go for someone that's a vocal group with a- I don't know. Is it obvious or?

steve:It's very obvious.

ricky:What, it would be- that they would back him?

steve:It's not obvious that they would back him, but it's obvious that, I mean, they are huge stars, or they were huge stars.

ricky:And what is it? About what, mid seventies?

steve:We're talkin' mid seventies. 1974 is the album.... There's an office winging it's way to you.

ricky:Not the Jackson Five or summat like that?

steve:It's the Jackson Five, there they are!

claire:OHH!

ricky:Well, there you go.

steve:There you are, yeah.

claire:Well done.

steve:I mean that's how big Stevie was that he could ask the Jackson Five just to stroll in. .

ricky:There you go.

steve:...for some fairly nondescript backing vocals.

ricky:First, uh, album I ever got, Jackson Five.

steve:Was it? Which one?

ricky:It was one with Rockin' Robin on it.

steve:Nice. Do you rock to that? I imagine you did.

ricky:I walked round-

steve:Grooved round to that. How old were you? What're we talking, eighteen?

ricky:I was about, I suppose, eleven or twelve and I. One of those little cassette players when you have to press down play and what's it. And I had a little handle that came out.

steve:They're brilliant. Yeah.

ricky:And I. One CD with it.

steve:Well, one tape.

ricky:One tape, yeah.

steve:And er, and you bought yourself did you?

ricky:No, no, that was Christmas present.

steve:Lovely. And that was the wh- the only one you had for like, I imagine like a year or something. Just that one tape, endlessly playing.

ricky:Yeah, until I, yeah.

steve:What was your first record purchase, Sturgess?

claire:It was a disco fever compilation. Well, actually called disco Fever, and I got it because I loved Yes Sir I Can Boogie.

steve:Wait a minute

ricky:What, are you embarrassed about having your mobile on or what?

claire:Oh, Oh I'm- Sorry.

steve:Something's vibrating and I'm assuming it's a mobile.

claire:Sorry it's my boyfriend.

claire:I did turn the ringer off. Sorry

steve:[high pitched] Oh thanks(!)

ricky:So, what, it's a disco fever compilation?

claire:Yeah, yeah. Featuring Baccara - Yes, Sir. I Can Boogie.

steve:Cracking.

ricky:Yeah.

claire:And Space - Float On, I think. Which is what I want.

ricky:[singing] "Float on" That one?

claire:Yeah, that's the one, yeah. Who-

ricky:That's The Floaters innit?

steve:The floaters.

ricky:Yeah.

claire:Yeah. Always made me laugh

ricky:Hi, Larry. My name's-

steve:I don't know-

claire:Magic Fly by Space!

ricky:Oh right.

claire:Do you remember that one?

ricky:No, I don't, no.

claire:No, yeah, okay.

steve:I don't know if my first purchase is cool or not really, because I suppose it seems like it is. It was the greatest hits of The Stranglers.

claire:That is so cool!

steve:Are the stranglers quite cool?

claire:Yeah!

ricky:That's scary, because... Yeah, I'd finished school by the time that that came out, I think. That's scary. The greatest hits of Stranglers. No, I was never a Stranglers fan.

steve:I think that's more to do with the fact that my parents didn't have any records in the house. They had- I think they had The Geoff Love Orchestra plays Big War Theme Tunes.

steve:They had one of those Top of the Pops albums with a woman wearing a neckerchief on the cover.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:And, um, and that was pretty much it. And the 1812 overture, you know, played on the fiddle or something.

ricky:I had one of those with Mozart. Mozart's 40th on it.

steve:Right.

ricky:Because that was released at time. The [Ricky imitates the music]

steve:Oh, that wasn't obviously, Mozart's 40th birthday.

ricky:No I'm not that old!

steve:That'd've been a wild swinging do if he'd made it that far. That'd've been a wild night.

ricky:That'd've been great.

steve:I'd love to hear that on record.

ricky:How old was he when he died?

steve:He was quite young.

ricky:They didn't live long at that time did they?

steve:Eighteen was he or something? He was a genius

ricky:No!

steve:He was a boy wonder. He was a boy wonder.

ricky:Yeah. He grew up!

steve:What a lot of people don't realise-

ricky:It was like Alan Jones. It was all over by the time he was eleven.

steve:What a lot of people don't realize about Mozart was that he also, in his spare time, used to solve crimes.

steve:Yeah. That was why he was so... musical crimes. Plagiarism issues, things like that.

claire:Oh we've come full circle now, haven't we?

steve:We have indeed, we've brought that right back.

claire:Actually I hate to interrupt you boys...

ricky:Go on, is it nearly the end?

claire:... But we have got to squeeze one more song in before the ad break.

ricky:Okay. Well uh, what should we do? Bit of... what shall we have?

steve:Have what we got there, Claire? Cos we haven't thought this through

claire:Well, I've got this- this one I want to play you

ricky:What is it?

claire:By The Electric Six.

ricky:It better be good, because if you end the show with a- I mean, we've had lots of faux pas and really bad bits.

claire:This is going to be possibly the biggest song of 2003, Rick.

steve:You think so?

ricky:Go on then

claire:Yeah?

steve:Man alive.

claire:The Electric Six.

steve:Well this is it, thanks very much indeed, Claire, for coming down.

ricky:Cheers, thank you.

claire:No, it's a pleasure

steve:Thank you, it's been a pleasure. No, it really was-

ricky:Is Karl back next week?

claire:Yeah.

ricky:Yeah, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve:Yeh.

ricky:He doesn't care, does he?

claire:Can we just quickly say, so you're on Parkinson tonight then, Ricky?

ricky:Oh, yeah.

claire:Okay. And the Office starts, what is it, Monday?

ricky:This is easier, this, innit? And there's a DVD winging its way

claire:Waheey!

ricky:I guess. I do want one.

steve:See you next week.