XFM Vault - S02E09 Transcript

ricky: Doves. 'Caught By The River' on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais... Steve Merchant... Karl Pilkington and everything…

ricky: No...I'm gonna be honest with you...

steve: Go on

ricky: Little bit hungover, don't feel very well. I don't know if I'm hungover or still a bit drunk, but I don't feel->

steve: You sound like you're still a bit drunk.

ricky: Yeah. So what I'm worried about-

steve: Then you do every week, so...

ricky: What I'm worried about is... that the standard will slip.

ricky: Yeah? I'm not right on the ball, urm and, the other thing is I haven't had a lot of time to prepare the show today.

steve: Ok...

ricky: So I don't... And I - and, I don't really... I don't feel...you know.

steve: 100%.>

ricky: Yep. I haven't done any... Karl...

steve: Right...

ricky: Look-

steve: Have you finished that sentence?

ricky: I... don't make me laugh because it- it hurts as well. And the other- the other- there's another side effect to me being a little bit hungover, and um drunk or whatever, right, is that I can be annoying.

steve: Right, yes, yes.

ricky: 'Cos I just to amuse myself I sort of like turn my body off a little bit and just poke, and like-

ricky: Like that, and annoy people and that... I wanna- I wanna sort of like cl-

steve: Well you do the physical equivalent of freewheeling.

ricky: Yeah, yeah! I sort of like, I sort of wanna climb on Karl and go to sleep on him.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? Both annoy him, and it'd be comfortable.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Which is... you know, can be annoying.

steve: Do you know, just a quick little thing to make this show a bit easier; if you'd put your hand up when you want one of us to speak... Cos it's not quite- I'm not quite sure when the sentences are finished.

ricky: The hands are up!

steve: Ok, good. So um- well-

ricky: The hands are up.

steve: Ok, good, all right. Are you just going to keep them up for the rest of the show, or are-

ricky: No that'll ache, Karl, do what you, what you've... Uh?

steve: Good, alright. Do you wanna- Is there any excuse as to why you're a bit hungover?

ricky: Too much wine.

steve: OK...

ricky: Last night, yeah...

steve: Yep. Good, good. 'Cos this is the only- I mean this is the only work you've got to do all week-

steve: -unless I'm very much mistaken, you don't have to do anything. You just sit at home eating- eating cheese-

ricky: Yep.

steve: -um, and then occasionally you do a bit of um, sort of shadow boxing-.

steve: -And that's exersise... And then you sit at home and watch TV.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that roughly what you did this week?

ricky: Mmm... yep.

steve: Uh-huh. So this is... the only two hours you've had to do anything for all week, this is the only thing you had to prepare for...

ricky: Yes, I... Who can plan a hangover?

steve: Right.

ricky: You know, you'd think th- Karl, you said you had some stuff.

karl: ...Yep.

ricky:

ricky: I love the fact that whereas I was a little bit slow, Karl there leapt into action, to keep this show afloat, keep the pace up! Go on.

karl: ...Right... well, uhh...

steve: Karl, are you hungover as well or .

karl: Do you know, I'm just a bit annoyed, 'cos I'm with you.

steve: Sure.

karl: Do y' know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: He hasn't got much to do all week...

ricky: You're having a laugh.

karl: What?

steve: What angers me is I kind of hoped that maybe I could have quite a long career in radio, and I sort of feel like I'm... I don't know, the words 'sinking ship'-

steve: Those words spring to mind.

ricky: But-

steve: 'Cos if you... Karl, you're just a chancer anyway, you weren't even supposed to be on air and we made you into something of a household name and that's cool.

ricky: Household name!

steve: And Ricky's already a celebrity, he's got it stitched up, he's got coroporates, he's got you know, voiceover work, but I've got nothing, I'm running on empty I've got... You know, I'm not... nothing, I've got nothing, I'm sort of dependent a bit on this, financially and...

ricky: Yep.

steve: And...you two are sort of bringing it down really.

karl: Right, well-

steve: Do you reckon I could get my own show, Karl?

ricky: Karl, Karl, Karl. Tell him what, no, Karl, Karl, tell him how funny I was out there with the bin, that... a minute ago.

karl: So anyway, come on, right.

steve: I'm bored of this.

karl: Tell you what. Will we tease them with what we've got coming up next.

steve: Yep, Karl, tease us after the next record.

karl: 'Cos I think we've already got 'em for two hours.

steve: Yep, yep, we've hooked them Karl, don't worry, this is textbook radio.

ricky: What's this? Badly Drawn Boy?

steve: Yep.

ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, you were right, Xfm 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl you were saying, what's coming up.

karl: Right, over the next 2 hours then... last week was a bit of a mess...

ricky: Don't be silly.

karl: ... So I sorted it out. Same features, uhhhh...

steve: I think that was the reason it was a mess to be honest.

karl: Well, uhh...

steve: You tightened it, you tightened it, you tightened the ship.

karl: Tightened it up, tightened it up, and also, keeping people for longer.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Right, tell me your, tell me your plans, tell me your ethos, then.

steve: What've you come up with then? Always show your workings, Karl.

ricky: Always show your workings, Karl.

karl: Alright then. So last week we started a good sort of play on words we had going...

ricky: Go on.

karl: The well known film Educating Rita.

steve: That's become, thanks to Karl Pilkington's brain, it's become..

karl: I've..I've tweaked it a bit and now it's educating ricky

steve: Brilliant

karl: Right. And that was a new feature we started last week if you weren't listening. Where I teach ricky stuff.

ricky: What did you teach me?

karl: Uh, I taught you about that little Chinese hairy kid.

ricky: Yeah, you didn't teach me anything. You said there was a kid that was born a little slightly hairier than other Chinese people.

karl: I taught you where the saying "Chewing the Fat" came from.

ricky: I enjoyed that. That was good.

steve: That was good, that was interesting.

karl: ..And uh..

ricky: And a man who had a beard 'cause he had been abducted for 3 days.

karl: Yep. Yep.

ricky: Again that was rubbish.

steve: Lest we forget.

ricky: That taught me more about you than about alien abduction.

karl: ..But what happened last week is...

ricky: Go on...

karl: ..uh we sort of talked about it all in one go and you can't...

steve: Where as this week you've done what, you've spread it out over the chat

karl: Well I've spread it across the two hours...

steve: Brilliant.

karl: ...'cause I've always found that if you're trying to be taught to much in one go you just can't take it in and it will be wasted.

steve: Is that your experience at school?

karl: Yeah that's, yeah.

steve: They taught you in three minute bursts-

ricky: Yeah and not every day...every other month.

steve: Yeah when you felt like it.

karl: Right so that's what we're gonna do, right? Uhh...

steve: So we've got Educating Ricky coming up that's exciting stuff.

karl: Educating Ricky across the two hours.

steve: Looking forward to it.

karl: And what I do is... I've made little headlines again and you decide which story you wanna know first.

ricky: All of 'em. Right give me the first headline.

karl: No no no, not yet. We'll do that in a bit-

ricky: Well give me a teaser!

karl: Hang on a minute I'm telling you what else.

ricky: Oh hurry up...

karl: We've also got...we've also got, we started it last week...Rock-Rockbusters.

steve: Oh yeah that was a triumph.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: I think we went wrong there...

ricky: Why?

steve: By letting you do it?

ricky: Doing it on air?

karl: Uh...

steve: Not thinking it through.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Bit of that.

steve: Okay so what's the rules on Rockbusters?

karl: We're gonna do Rockbusters but you e-mail in [email protected] when you know the answers, right? And sort of round near the end of the show we'll give out the answers so they've got to hang about.

steve: Rick, I should tell you now umm don't-

ricky: I'm-I'm not hangin' about.

steve: Don't think that the listeners are going to go away empty handed...

ricky: I was worried about that, I was worried about that.

steve: I can tell you, don't worry, because Karl has sorted out some top quality prizes.

ricky: Good, good.

steve: Uhm, first up is...

steve: This is stuff that people can win, pretty excited about this, first up is a DVD of The Office.

ricky: Ooooh.

steve: I don't know how he got hold of it cause they are like gold dust.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: This is uhm, this is the second gift now bear in mind he's - I don't know where he's rummaging these from...this is an XFM compilation album. He's managed to sort that out somehow, I don't know how he's managed to sort that out.

ricky: Oooh yeah. Excellent.

steve: There's another compilation album which is got some sort of indie type hits of-

ricky: Haven't we got a film to give away?

steve: Well I'm glad you asked cause -

ricky: What film though because-

steve: I know you're a big fan of DVD's.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

steve: It's one of the big hot releases that everyones getting their hands on...

ricky: Yeah...Arbritary is it? This film title won't be an arbritary film will it'll be a big-

steve: Rick, I don't want you thinking that the film that Karl has sorted out, that he sourced for us is some arbritary thing that you wouldn't get, you could buy for 3.99 in HMV. Right, they're giving these away...

ricky: Yeah. Like in one of those big baskets...

steve: Exactly. I don't know who is phoning up to try and win this but you can be, uh, a lucky winner.

ricky: If this is your favourite film - it's yours.

steve: Exactly. But yeah this is uhm, this is the big uhm star prize, the one you're all playing for...

ricky: What is it?

steve: It's 'Children of the Corn'.

steve: Stephen King's, 'Children of the Corn' it's a widescreen- widescreen presenation on DVD.

ricky: Imagine getting that and going "Excellent, we can watch this now!"

steve: But Rick, I mean let me just run through some of the cast... Peter Horton.

steve: Peter Hortons in it. And eh.. that uh..

ricky: I'll tell you what, I don't want to give it away if Hort in it.

steve: Heh, exactly.

ricky: I'd love to see his performance again.

steve: Also Linda Hamilton I know you're all familar with her.

ricky: Linda Hamilton, she plays, she plays a piece of corn.

steve: Exactly. I've not seen Children of the Corn I could be wrong but uhm it says uhh it's amazing.

ricky: Karl, when you were rooting around in the office why didn't you start throwing like a mousemat and a pair of scissors and a pencil because that is just abirtary that.

steve: That's an abritary selection there.

karl: That's next weeks stuff.

steve: But also I should say we also have some, this is a bit more exciting, we've also got some tickets for DJ Shadow who is performing at the Brixton Academy this evening.

ricky: Yeah. He's good ain't he? He's good at DJ ing.

steve: He's very good at DJ ing.

ricky: Plays all the records that you want.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Don't-don't-don't bring your own he's got them all. I've seen him arrive he's got two big bags on 'im.

steve: Yep. So there's uh three pairs of DJ Shadow tickets we'll give those away later just don't start phoning arbritarily we'll give them away in our own spare time-

ricky: Is there any lemonade?

steve: ...Sorry?

ricky: I need some lemonade.

steve: Okay well while we sort of some lemonade let's play a tune.

karl: Ugh.

steve: C'mon Karl don't- what's wrong?

ricky: What Karl?!

steve: Ryan Adams from his new album 'Demolition'.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: A track called 'Nuclear'.

ricky: Yeah. I just [incomprehensible] found a new way of making it more exciting, when you're talking about summet I'll go "Yeah, brilliant" agreeing with ya, making it all interesting!

steve: Well it's a really good album that. Apparently it's just a collection of songs and demos he's had lying around.

ricky: Aw...I wish I had that. You know we're giving away those DVD's and Children of the Corn?

steve: Look forward to that, Children of the Corn!

ricky: I've got an interesting anecdote about The Office. Karl, me and Karl went out right and uh, me and Jane and Karl and Johnny and Jiji wasn't it?

karl: No, no. No. Jiji wasn't there.

steve: Is it important who was there?

ricky: No. But we're walking down the street and, Karl was there he can back me up on this, we had a curry we were walking back and uh this funny little homeless fella, didn't he?

karl: Hm.

ricky: He uh- oh I've got to tell you first before I go "didn't he?"

steve: Yes.

ricky: He came up to me right and he recognized me,[laughs and stammers] talking is more diffcult than you think right, he came up to me and he went "Aw, I've just nicked one of your DVD's from HMV!" and he shook my hand. He was so happy with it and I went "Right. Excellent." and he went "All I do is just swing the bag over the top like that when I'm going out" and he had a bag of DVD's didn't he and he was so pleased to tell me that he'd stolen...isn't that great?

karl: He said "they're going like hotcakes!"

ricky: He said they're going like - Of course they are!

steve: You're nicking them!

ricky: We get paid for them though, don't we?

steve: Not the stolen ones.

ricky: Don't we?!

steve: No! What do you mean? Did you sign them for him?

ricky: I bet you would you idiot! So uhm, he just nicked five... and you say he's homeless was he?

ricky: Well I don't know he, maybe...

karl: No.

steve: Surely how would he have seen the show? He just walked past Currys one morning

ricky: Dixons yeah, telly on yeah.

steve: Saw the trailer for it, thought "Interesting".

ricky: Don't know if he was homeless. Didn't go into his home life.

steve: Sure. You shook his hand though and...

ricky: He made Karl look smart. Do you know what I mean? So uh... but he wasn't northern though was he?

karl: No he was like...uh, do you know in the fast show Paul Whitehouse that character, that shady character?

steve: Yes.

karl: Like that, the spit of that. Ponytail, t-shirt on a bit too big for him, and just the movement and everything like uh, y'know a Cockney little cheeky chap type person.

steve: Little Cockney cheeky chap, yeah.

karl: Yeah he just said "Aw, it's you!" said uh "Got your DVD's, got six of 'em from HMV going like hotcakes they are!" then he went off whistlin'. Well chuffed with himself.

karl: "Goin' like hotcakes..."

ricky: Yeah. What's he gonna do with them then? Probably sell 'em. How does he sell them?! Where does he sell them? Does he go up to people and ask "do you want The Office DVD? They're not nicked. Four quid".

steve: Yeah exactly. "Are these stolen?" "Noo"

ricky: "No no no no no no" "They've still got the tags on 'em".

steve: Well it's like those people who uhm, you know those cab drivers who you meet at sort of three in the morning who just got a car and just went out with a car.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: And just went "yeah I'll pick people up and charge 'em".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I got in one once and I said to him eh, the guy just pulled up and I was in east London going back to north London, I said uh "Going back to Swiss Cottage". He went "Sure, hop in!" We set off, he went "Do you know the way?"

steve: I said "Not really no, I thought you know you're a cabbie aren't you? He went "No, don't really know the way there". I said "Do you have an A-Z?" He went "No". I thought if you're gonna go out, you know, just winging it take two things: a map and a torch. He didn't have either.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He said "Uh, well I can probably get to Camden". I said "Alright, I'll direct you from there". Drove on for about five minutes making conversation. About five minutes later he went "Do you know the way to Camden?"

steve: "I thought you knew the way to Camden!" "I don't really know the way, I thought I knew" It was ludicr-!

ricky: Oooh let me out. Four quid.

steve: Yeah, exactly. I don't know who's got sort of that time on their hands that they just think "It's three in the morning. I'm at a loose end. I think I'll go out and do a bit of cabbing".

karl: Well... you know.

steve: Because your dad was a cabbie wasn't he?

karl: Yeah he was yeah. Couldn't stand it but it was good money.

steve: But he was profess-he wasn't like a chancer though was he?

karl: Black cab.

ricky: What was he- what was he doing when he put the little forrest gump in a wheelie bin?

karl: That was uh, part of the cab company thing. They had to do a charity event once a year and he did it one year...never asked him again.

ricky: Tell us the story again. I know you already-

karl: I'd rather not because uh, we got a few sort of uh, got some complaints about it.

ricky: Why? Why'd you get complaints about it?

karl: Because he put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do.

steve: But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson to people.

ricky: Yeah, tell it like uh tell it like you know, you shouldn't do it.

karl: Nah that's how I did it last time but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell ya, you know, I don't take the mickey out ofpeople on purpose it's real life innit and that goes on in life. I was saying that in hospital though, you know he was in hospital and he did some jokes about old people an' that and he said "At the end of the day, if something makes you laugh it's funny. And if it makes you laugh, you can't help laughing. You know what I mean? So... what are you meant to do?

karl: And laughing is good for ya so..

ricky: Well being laughed at isn't as good for you is it?

karl: No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person so if you balance it out there's only one person who's upset and one person who's laughing. So it's-

ricky: That's genius! Give me and example of that, give me an example.

steve: Well for example, Karl Pilkington talking and the people listening.

ricky: Yeah, yeah... no. C'mon give me an little example of.... y'know.

karl: Well I can't because again, that's what I'm saying, I can't tell you the story because there might be someone out there who... this person might be listening and think "I forgot about that and you've brought it all back to me now".

steve: Yeah.

karl: So I'd prefer to leave it but I think people know that-

ricky: Why'd he put him in the bin in the first place?

karl: Because he was getting out of hand.

ricky: What was he doing though?

karl: You see I can't explain without-

ricky: You can, don't be silly!

karl: I'd prefer to leave it honestly.

ricky: What was he doing, annoying him?

karl: He was annoying me dad and the other people in the cab.

ricky: Right.

karl: And he thought "How can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: He pulled over... and put the lad... in a wheelie bin.

ricky: I'm gonna burst!

karl: So...we'll leave that...

ricky: ...oh god...

karl: Right...

steve: Yeah. Yeah. How old was the kid?

karl: Ehm... not sure but it was a trip to sort of Blackpool so I'm guessing...

ricky: Did he think it was one of the rides? "This is rubbish!"

karl: ...seventeen.

steve: Seventeen?!

karl: Yeah.

steve: Oh, so he was quite an old lad then.

karl: Big lad.

ricky: Did he pick him up?

karl: He picked him up and put him in a wheelie bin.

ricky: Everytime he says it I can't...

karl: And then on the way back he got him back again and said "Right, you won't do that again".

ricky: "On the way back"?!

karl: Yeah he left him there for a bit.

steve: He left him there, what, they went to Blackpool and left the kid in a wheelie bin?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Did he?!

karl: But- yep.

steve: What, was the kid in the wheelie bin on the way back? Did he not get out?

karl: Yeah... no, it's tricky innit and he wasn't a normal kid was he and - let's leave it...

steve: "He wasn't a normal kid"?

karl: Right...right then so uh...

steve: Is your father in prison?

steve: I think he should be!

karl: Can I put a song on?

steve: Yeah... go on then.

ricky: Feeder. 'Come Back Around'. XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I asked Karl in the week, right, what animal would he never trust. Even if he got to know it as a pet and everything, what animal would he NEVER trust. What was it.

karl: Was this, er, the wasp?

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Why wouldn't you trust a wasp, Karl?

karl: I just think that, er...

steve: They're shifty?

karl: ...all, all other animals, if you get 'em at an early age...

karl: ...you can, sort of, make 'em like ya, an' that.

steve: You could train ‘em, and that, yeah.

karl: A wasp? Never.

steve: Nothing.

steve: Is there anything, do you think there’s anything you could do that would, kind of, er, win the favour and win the trust of a wasp? What would you have to do, do you think?

ricky: What if you had it from a little grub.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you fed it, an’ he had its favourite marmalade.

karl: It doesn’t affect it though, does it. A bee dies, don’t it, if it does it, so it’s not gonna, like, use it willynillily.

ricky: That’s easy for you to say!

karl: But a wasp? I..I...I w…

steve: Do you, what, you think they sting arbitrarily? They just sting for the fun of it? They’re like, sort of, like delinquent insects, a delinquent....

karl: I think so, cos last night, right, and this is part of ‘Educating Ricky’ in a way, but something I learnt lastnight…

steve: Mm.

karl: …was that tarantulas only bite ya if you annoy it.

steve: Right.

karl: They don’t, d’you know how people say ohh if you’re in a sleeping bag living in a jungle a spider will get in there and it’ll bite ya.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Apparently not, you’ve got to really annoy it. The thing it really hates is having its leg, sort of, twisted.

steve: It hates having its leg twisted. Right.

karl: Yeah, but that, but that’s more for….

steve: Is that what they said in the documentary?

ricky: No!

karl: No, no, they…

steve: They actually said…

ricky: Almost certainly not, Steve! Almost certainly not.

steve: Were you watching a documentary?

karl: N-n-no I was reading it.

steve: Oh, you were reading it.

karl: And, erm, it was this guy….

steve: And was it scrawled on the wall in like a public toilet?

ricky: No, no...

karl: No, I tell ya, I’ll tell ya more about that later as it’s part of the…thing.

steve: Oh right, I’m looking forward to it.

ricky: ’Educating Ricky’.

karl: Part of…yeah.

steve: So, if you don’t trust the evil wasp, what animal do you trust, what’s your favourite animal?

ricky: Well, I, I also…I said to him, right, supposing you – your mind, right, your mind was put into any animal, right, and you gotta get from where you are now, right, to Glasgow, right, as an animal, right? But the authorities will be looking out for it.

steve: Ok.

ricky: And it’s shooting you, right, and er – what – w – you went through loads didn’t ya?

karl: I was thinking about it for, for, it must have took me about an hour.

steve: So your mind, sorry, your mind has been put into an animal?

ricky: And he - yeah, so it’s you in this animal thinking that you’ve got to get to somewhere, but maybe…

steve: But…but the authorities know you’re in the animal?

ricky: Yeah, but maybe your body is in Glasgow or summit, and you’ve gotta get this animal to get to you so it can transfer its mind back into your body.

karl: But the Government knows that I’m like this.

steve: Oh, we’ve all had that conversation.

karl: So the Government…so the Government are going ‘Karl can’t have his own brain back’….

ricky: I only have it with Karl, don’t I, these conversations?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Go on, yeah.

steve: So you’re on the way…

karl: So think about it just for a second, so, let’s recap.

karl: Your - your body’s in Scotland…

steve: Right

ricky: He’s the only one who takes my questions seriously!

karl: Your - your brain is in London…

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: Right, and there’s like loads of security and stuff looking out in the sky for animals or looking on – on the fields seeing what’s trying, what’s looking a bit suspicious.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Trying – trying to get to your body and proper brain…

ricky: And they’re shooting them.

karl: …and they’re shooting everything and killing all the animals. What thing would you pick to get your brain to Scotland that wouldn’t get caught and I reckon I…I – I’ve got the answer.

steve: A wasp?

karl: No, ‘cos think about it, a lot of people get irritated. If it, sort of, wanted to get a lift….

karl: ,,,in a car going down the motorway, someone’s driving, there’s a wasp in the car…

steve: If it was hitchhiking, yeah.

karl: ,,,it’s a nightmare.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, sure.

karl: ’Cause a right accident.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So think of something that people wouldn’t, y’know….

ricky: And the clock’s ticking as well, yeah.

steve: You’re taking this really very seriously aren’t you Karl.

ricky: Yeah, you’ve only got a couple of…

steve: You have, you’ve given this a lot of thought haven’t you. You have.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Um, so, er…something with speed…

ricky: Yeah, it’s gotta…

steve: …something that can travel quite speedy.

ricky: Well…

karl: Well…that’s, yeah.

ricky: Well, that’s…

steve: Something that’s also inconspicuous?

karl: Yep.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that the sort of thing you’re, you’re…that’s what you’re going for…yeah?

karl: Well….

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …yeah yeah yeah.

steve: Um…and, is it a c – is it a creature that’s, er, that’s native to this country?

karl: Yep.

steve: Right.

karl: Yeah it is.

steve: I’ve got no idea Karl. What you thinking.

ricky: Tell him.

karl: A flea.

steve: A flea?

ricky: Tell him why.

karl: Think about it. Erm, right, this flea it’s got my brain.

steve: Mm.

karl: It’s dead small. The flea.

ricky: Thanks for clearing that up.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it’s, it goes “Right, I’ve got to get to Scotland.” So it jumps on someone who’s going to Euston station…

steve: Right.

karl: …they don’t know it’s there.

steve: No.

karl: The Government can’t see it.

ricky: Can’t see it! Steve! Think of that statement!

ricky: Think of people who’ve just tuned in!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Now…ah…

karl: People get on the train, goes to Glasgow or Edinburgh or wherever in Scotland it is, it jumps off, goes “Right,” er, jumps on someone else who’s going the way it needs to go. Gets there, still no-one’s seeing it, jumps on me, I get me brain back…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …the Government are like...oooooooooh.

steve: But, and you feel confident that your brain would fit in that of a flea’s?

karl: Well, you said there was no problem with the size of it. You said you could….

ricky: There certainly wouldn’t be.

karl: So…

steve: No. No

ricky: You – I pretty much, you could download everything you know into a flea.

karl: Yeah, so.

steve: Well that’s genius.

karl: Right?

ricky: Yeah

steve: That’s, er, good thinking.

ricky: What would you rather have, right. Roller-skate feet, and there’s little wheels, right. Er…chopstick hands, yeah?

karl: Mm.

ricky: Instead of hands, chopsticks instead of hands. Wheels instead of feet.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right. Or acne.

karl: Err…how big are the wheels?

steve: Can I take you guys back to the old school? Do you mind if we take – take it back to the old school?

ricky: Yeah, what you gonna do, what you gonna lay on me?

steve: No I was just, maybe a bit of, ah, De La Soul, if that’s not a problem?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that a problem? Is that a problem going back to the old school? I…I’m not..

ricky: No no no no….

steve: I mean we don’t need to go if you don’t want…

ricky: As long…as long as it’s vinyl shit.

steve: It is indeed! Slam it on.

karl: Hang on, wait….here we go.

steve: De La Soul. Old school.

ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

steve: And with ‘A Jam Named Saturday’.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Yeah, good stuff. Karl. So, erm, ‘Educating Ricky’. You were going to tease us now with some of the big headlines you’ve got coming up.

ricky: Look at him dancing!

steve: Look at him grooving. He really is in the groove there.

ricky: He really is dancing there!

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right.

ricky: Right.

karl: So.

ricky: Ok.

karl: The way this works is....

ricky: What would you rather be Karl…

karl: …I teach you…

ricky: …superheroes.

karl: …three things…

ricky: A Frog Boy…

karl: …right.

ricky: Yeah, that you could leap, you could leap onto a house, but you had to go, for, you had to go BLERRRPH first and leap onto a house. You’re, you’re known as Frog Boy. Right? And, and that, and that could come in useful couldn’t it, right, yeah?

steve: That’s very useful.

ricky: Erm, Amploid, where you’ve got your hands are microphones and you can talk into your hands and your whole body, you can, is like a hundred decibels, and you can go “OI. COME ‘ERE!” and people can hear you from miles away. Amploid, right.

ricky: Or...or…Saddo. Right, and that means that you can go up to anyone and go “Alright?” and they just, they don’t know why, they just get fed up for a whole day.

steve: Which of those would you prefer?

steve: Don’t answer now, have a think about it!

karl: The frog thing, do I look like one or…

ricky: No, you’re just you in your Ben Sherman shirt and everything, and they go, and people walk along and they go, “Oh look at that young child, from, on that roof! He’s gonna fall, I wish Frog Boy was here!” and you go BLERRRPH and you go down, you go BLERRRPH and they go “It is! It is him!” and they don’t recognise you when you’re squattin’, they go “Don’t know who you are.”.

karl: Mm.

ricky: And you leap up there, and you come back and they go “Where’s Frog Boy?” and you’re standing up and go “Dunno, he went that way.”

karl: Yeah I’d probably have that one.

ricky: Would ya?

steve: You wanna go with Frog Boy.

karl: Yeah yeah.

steve: Ok.

karl: That’s pretty good.

ricky: Ok. Go on.

karl: Right so, er….did that just go out?

ricky: Whi…what?

karl: All that.

ricky: Go on, I’ve got a bad head....

steve: Hey, look, Rick, Karl’s really planned this show. He’s, he’s really worked it out....

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: …he came in early, he was writing things down…

ricky: And there’s me just coming up with rubbish like that.

steve: …and you’re just talking rubbish, so Karl, I know you’ve been thinking this through, what’ve you got.

karl: Right, so ‘Educating Ricky’, we did it last week. It’s where I teach you some stuff but, rather than just teach you something I tease ya so you wanna know more, so you wanna take in information.

karl: Right, so…

steve: If only people had taught you like that Karl.

karl: So…

ricky: And also it’s the name of a film, sort of, nearly.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Coming up soon, Henry the VIIIth and his…well how many wives? Come back tomorrow Karl to find out!

karl: Well, well, er, the little, the little, er, headlines I’ve got to sort of tease you with the story…

ricky: Yeah, this is going to hurt me and I’m not very well, go on.

karl: Right, we’ve got, er…

steve: Don’t,so, so this is what – sorry, I – I’ve just got lost for a minute there.

ricky: It’s ‘Educating Ricky’.

steve: This is ‘Educating Ricky’...

karl: Yeah.

steve: …and these are the stories that you, these are the things you’re gonna tell him?

karl: Yeah.

steve: But these are just headline versions?

karl: These are headlines…

steve: Not the actual facts?

karl: …because then I think people will remember things.

steve: Ah, alright, sort of bullet points.

ricky: Who can forget ‘Hairy Chinese Boy’?

steve: Indeed, I shall never forget that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So…

ricky: Go on.

karl: First…first headline, er…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oo.

karl: …’Don’t Do That To It, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’

steve: I’ve no idea. It could be about the French Revolution, it could be about anything.

ricky: I know what it is! I know what it is. I…eh...

karl: No, you think you do, but…

ricky: No, no….

karl: Right…

ricky: It, it’s something I taught you! Is it, is it the fact that cockroaches can live nine days without a head?

karl: That’s part of it, but it’s something different as well, that’s why I thought’d be…

ricky: Oh, ok.

steve: Ok, brilliant, so that’s something to look forward to.

karl: So, next one, you won’t work it out. Erm. ‘If Only It Was Raining’.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: M’kay?

ricky: Brilliant, go on.

karl: And the last one, er, ‘What’s Tomato With You?’

steve: Ooh! ‘What’s Tomato With You!’

karl: Yeah.

steve: Man alive.

ricky: Look how pleased he is.

steve: He is, you’re, he – you’re obsessed with puns aren’t you at the moment K. You, you, you love them.

karl: It just works, I think it works.

steve: Yeah.

steve: You love puns.

karl: So. There you go.

steve: So which of those are you gonna choose, Rick?

ricky: Oh, well I’m going to have to choose ‘Don’t Do That, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’.

steve: Ooh can we play a tune and we’ll come back with that?

karl: Yeah I reckon.

steve: Find out what that is.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Wow, what a history lesson that’s gonna be.

ricky: Dandy Warhols and ‘Bohemian Like You’ on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais , with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl. What’s the story then.

karl: Right, so what, what did you say you’re going for. You’ve got your three titles, your three teasers.

ricky: Well I think I’m gonna go for ‘Don’t Do That To It, You Know It Can’t Live Without An ‘Ed’.

steve: Ooh I’m looking forward to this.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right...

steve: So this is ‘Educating Ricky’ for those who have just tuned in.

karl: Yeah, now, something that Ricky told me about when he was educating me was that a cockroach, if you cut its head off, erm, it lives for a week.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right?

ricky: And the only reason it dies is because it can’t take on water.

steve: Sure. It doesn’t have a great time in that week though does it.

ricky: No.

steve: I mean it doesn’t get much done I don’t think.

karl: It just…it just needs water and ‘cos it can’t find any without its eyes it eventually dies.

steve: Yep.

karl: Right? So…

ricky: No.

karl: So what…

ricky: It can’t, no, no that’s not is. It’s ‘cos it can’t drink.

steve: Anyway. Anyway.

karl: So, with t – have you heard that one about worms?

steve: Ok....

ricky: I have, go on.

karl: If you cut a worm in half…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …erm, a lot of people have said in the past that it’ll turn into two worms.

steve: Right...

karl: But that isn’t actually true.

steve: Ok, who said that?

karl: No, it’s a we – it used to be like, you know, er....just said it on…

steve: Kids at school said it?

karl: Yeah, kids at school and stuff you..

steve: Yep

karl: So, you know, a lot of people think that.

ricky: Don’t pick him up on stuff Steve, it’s bad enough.

steve: Sure

karl: So, but what they can do, if you get a worm, right, and you find out which end its head’s at….

steve: Right.

karl: …if you, sort of, you’ve got its head there at the left hand side, right, and if you sort of cut it in half…

ricky: Right.

karl: …but not in half so there’s more of its neck than the tail, if you know what I mean?

ricky & steve: Yeah.

karl: The bit you’ve cut off will sort of die, and the rest of the worm will get better, so in a way you can cut it in half and it’ll survive. But only one half will survive.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Yeah?

karl: What’ve you learnt there.

steve: I wish you hadn’t of chosen that one, Rick, to be honest.

ricky: I know, I know! I know, ‘cos it’s not, it’s nothing is it.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You know, you know that joke, um, uh, how d’you tell a worm’s head from it’s ar – eh, put it, put it in a bowl of flour and wait ‘till it farts, right.

steve: Yes.

ricky: I told my mate that, right, and he went “What if it coughs?”

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah? You -

karl: Yeah, so, it is, there is a bit of truth in, in that myth of cutting one in half.

steve: Where did you get this information? I don’t understand where you get this information from.

karl: That was from The Fortean Times It was like the myth, the myth about worms.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The big – that was the big article that week.

steve: Did it take you as long to read that article as it took you to tell us just then?

ricky: I like the fact it starts off debunking a myth…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: …that we haven’t heard of anyway.

steve: Exactly!

ricky: You know the, the big, the big thing about cutting a worm in half and making two worms?

ricky & steve: No.

ricky: Yeah, what’s the other one, what’s the other headline

karl: I mean it’s not the thing to do either by the way. Don’t, don’t go doing it.

ricky: No.

steve: Sure.

ricky: It’s not very nice, it’s cruel.

karl: But, but it can get by.

ricky: And it’s pointless.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: There’s no scientific worth in that.

karl: Yeah. Well. There you go.

ricky: Okay then.

karl: So the others, now the others, see what I do, is...

ricky: What was the others? What was the others?

karl: No, I’ll tell you the titles. You’re not having them yet. That, that’s the whole idea of this. People will be driving or about to go out doing the shopping and they’ll think about that now.

ricky: What was the other two?

karl: Well the other two…

ricky: They won’t think about they, they’ve forgotten that now

karl: They will, they will.

ricky: No they’ve forgotten that already

karl: ’If Only It Was Raining’ and ‘What’s Tomato With You?’

ricky: Right you’ve gotta tell us…

steve: I’m looking forward to that one.

ricky: No, you’ve gotta me tomato with you.”

karl: ’No, no – no, n – look look look, see what’s happening? Y’see, you already wait more education and this is what listeners will be doing.’

steve: You, I tell you, I wish you were a teacher.

ricky: Yeah!

karl: D’you know what I mean? Kids would be saying “I know it’s half –past three but I don’t want to go home, I want more.’

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that’s, that’s what I’m doing with you. I’m teaching ya. Taking in information.”

ricky: Why are you teaching me things about not to cut worms in half and “What’s Tomato With You”? Please tell me what’s tomato with you Karl

karl: In a bit In a bit, in a bit.’

ricky: No, Karl!

steve: Rick?

ricky: What?

steve: He, he, he’s thought the show through, he’s teasing the audience…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...you’re over-excited, they’re….listening.

ricky: Yeah, maybe.

steve: So listen I think we should all, ‘cos we got your competition to squeeze in, and we got all these great goodies, let’s not forget…

ricky: This is amazing.

steve: …hello? “Children of The Corn”? We’ve got to give it away, before 2 – before 3 o’clock.

ricky: I do feel slightly bad that, that now this is Karl Pilkington’s show. I don’t, I don’t think we should have our names involved.

steve: No.

ricky: It’s not fair, is it, and I think we should give Karl the mony.

steve: Yeah

karl: I don’t want my name to this.

karl: It’s the Ricky Gervais show. Yeah. Right, the quiz.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Will I…will we get that out the way ‘cos they’ve only got an hour to start the game.

steve: Don’t you worry about that Karl, I’ve already got this one. I’m thinking, I’m thinking on your terms now. Let’s play a tune, we’ll come back…

karl: What we playing?

steve: …with the big competition information. Alright? Money Mark. A classic from Monkey Mark from his album ‘Push The Button’. Play that Karl and afterwards…

steve: …are you excited? You got the competition? Look at his face he’s so excited.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Now he’s thought this through.

ricky: Loving it.

steve: Rockbusters.

ricky: Rockbusters!

ricky: Yeah?

ricky: What?

steve: Read?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Shall we do that?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Go on.

steve: You’re rejuvenated are you?

ricky: Yeah let’s go, quick.

steve: You feeling it now, the second hour?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Hangover finished with?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Done.

steve: All done? Good.

ricky: I had some water.

steve: Excellent, that’ll often sort it out.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Flea…

steve: Well done.

karl: …a flea is the best way.

ricky: He’s just had an argument with a punter.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Someone called up and said I don’t think a flea’s very good, how would the flea know…tell him, tell him what you said. He said how would the flea know what train to get on? He went he’d get to Euston and look at the timetable.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, and he went, he went, we’re not going to agree on this. He got annoyed at him because the bloke said it’d, he’d better to be a wasp.

steve: Yeah.

karl: A wasp would not survive would it, on, y’know, a Virgin train or something.

karl: So…

steve: Why? Why wouldn’t it?

karl: It just wouldn’t because people really don’t like wasps so somebody would end up clouting it and killing it and that brain would never get to his body, so…

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, yeah, it is quiz time.

steve: Whay!

steve: This is it – this is the moment we’ve all been looking forward to.

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Go on. D’you want…d – d’you want to tease ‘em with the prizes?

steve: Nah. Not really, because they might not bother phoning in. It’s not a phoner is it, it’s e-mail.

karl: Alright then…

steve: Alright, well a quick reminder then. We’ve got ‘The Office’ – I don’t want people to think that we’re just keep plugging ‘The Office’ DVD; we’ve got nothing else to give away.

ricky: No, no-one gives us anything, and those are just hanging around in Karl’s little room.

steve: Did you get a guy from HMV just to…did you get a guy to just nick these from HMV?

ricky: Was it a little bloke with a beard and a ponytail?

steve: Was that the story? So we got ‘The Office’ DVD, obviously, we got, er, the remix, XFM’s remix album, er, volume two, that’s sort of remixes of various tunes. Quite a good little compilation album here, one of those kind of ‘The Best Coldplay, Travis, Oasis blah blah blah blah blah Albums in the World Ever,’

ricky: Excellent , let’s play some of them ‘cos there’s nothing in the library.

steve: And, er, yeah, exactly, have a look on there.

ricky: Four Alanis Morisette, nine Catatonia I just counted in that thing.

steve: The big one; the big star prize that you’re all playing for is of course the DVD widescreen edition of ‘Children Of The Corn’, Stephen King’s horror film, lest we forget it’s got Peter Horton as the star.

steve: So. Looking forward to that. Are we, we’re gonna give Shadow away separately are we?

karl: Yeah yeah yeah.

steve: We’ll give away the DJ Shadow tickets at a separate venture.

karl: Right so we’re playing for those CDs and DVDs and what we do…

steve: It’s an e-mail competition, don’t bother phoning in.

karl: …e-mail, yeah, the phone lines are lighting up a bit so put the phone down, get the computer started up…

steve: Yep.

karl: …and it’s [email protected] if you know the answers to these, right. And the way it works, we did it last week but if you didn’t hear it, I give you some initials and, like, a bit of a cryptic clue, and you work out who the band is or the artist. Alright?

steve: Ok.

karl: It’s always a band or artist, it’s not any TV programmes and that. So, er, say like last week we had, erm, we, we had S didn’t we and it was, er, ‘Better than the average homeless person’ and that was Supertramp. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So it’s not always XFM music it can be anything, and there’s three of them, erm…

steve: They’ve got to get all three have they?

karl: Gotta get all three and e-mail in.

ricky: Think this was a television show and how long this intro so far has taken.

karl: Yeah but, but, but here we go then, right?

ricky: Right.

karl: First initials – LR.

steve: LR.

karl: LR, right?

steve: Ok.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the cryptic clue is…er…’I’ll take....’

steve: You should have thought it through. You should have thought it out before you came in.

karl: Here y’are, cryptic clue…

steve: You’ve got it?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm, ‘I’ll take that book to the toilet with me.’

steve: ‘I’ll take that book to the toilet with me,’?

karl: Yep. Yep.

steve: LR.

karl: LR.

steve: ‘I’ll take that book to the toilet with me.’

karl: And don’t shout out if you know the answer, ‘cos....

steve: No.

ricky: No idea, Karl. I’ve no idea.

karl: Right, ok, so there’s one. The second one – FL…

steve: FL.

karl: …this one’s actually been e-mailed in as a suggestion…

steve: Ok.

karl: …er, that person who’s done that, don’t e-mail in because you’re disqualified from the comp.

ricky: I’d love him to be a teacher...

karl: So…

ricky: …it’d be great wouldn’t it, just to see him one day. Can’t we do that? Can’t we get you a placement somewhere to, for you to teach history to, sort of like, fourteen year olds?

steve: I think science, Rick.

ricky: Science would be good, yeah!

karl: Right.

ricky: Al…I…uh, tell you what, you, you got, like, tell – just quickly, for me, Karl, explain, say, erm, what can we get him to explain that everyone learns as a kid, science, er…

steve: Photosynthesis?

karl: Right. So, FL, right, FL are the letters and the cryptic clue ‘Blow the candles out before you eat the cake.’

steve: ‘Blow the candles out before you eat the cake.’

karl: Yep. ‘Blow the candles out before you eat the cake.’ The letters there FL.

steve: Alright, we got LR, we got FL.

karl: Yeah, and finally, the third one, NS...

ricky: Hold on, how many have they got to get?

steve & karl: Three.

steve: Don’t worry, there’s no more after this Rick.

karl: Right? NS. ‘How can I wash up in something shaped like that?’

karl: Right?That’s one of mine.

karl: So…so very quickly recap just incase we missed any. LR is the first one. LR. ‘I’ll take that book to the toilet with me’. Cryptic clue. N…er, we had FL ‘Blow the candles out before you eat the cake,’ and the final one, NS ‘How can I wash up in something shaped like that?’ If you think you know the bands you just e-mail in [email protected], you win the DVDs, the CDs and, er, that’s it.

ricky: He’s great, ain’t he? I can just w – I could just watch him all day do this. What else. Um…

steve: So [email protected], co.uk...

karl: And we’ll give the answers out just before, y’know, we finish ‘cos…

steve: Ok.

karl: …then we’ll keep ‘em hooked.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Karl, just briefly, this is, er, Module, er, 4a, er, Natural History, yeah?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Just, just briefly explain, um, er…evolution. You know, natural selection, origin of the species, Darwin and that, just briefly describe.

karl: That’s the monkey thing.

karl: It is, isn’t it.

steve: Oh, well done.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Play a tune, Karl.

karl: What we, what d’you fancy playing?

steve: Um…Rick. I know you’re always keen to rejuvenate the reputation of certain artists when you think maybe they’ve been unfairly treated in the history of rock and roll.

ricky: Yep. Yeah.

steve: I’ll tell you a band I’ve always thought of as being treated badly. The Lemonheads.

ricky: Go on.

steve: You with me?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

steve: The Lemonheads.’If I Could Talk, I’d Tell You’.

ricky: Yep.

steve: He wrote some good little tunes, Evan Dando, before he went a bit potty.

ricky: Good. What would you rather have, right, who would – Karl, would you rather have a lemon for a head…

ricky: A radio for a head, erm, what other band is there with something head?

karl: Radiohead. Oh you’ve done that.

ricky: Yep.

ricky: Or a talking head.

karl: Right. Third one.

ricky: No, but you don’t know what it…whi…no, ‘cos you got you and then you’ve got someone else’s head on top and it doesn’t shut up. It’s my head. It’s my talking head coming out of your head.

ricky: Yeah? So a radio head, sort of a radio head so you can tune in, right…?.

steve: You know you said there, Karl, that wasps were one of the most irritating things on the planet?

steve: Can I offer another suggestion?

karl: Yeah.

steve: You with me on that?

karl: Right. I am. I am today.

ricky: No, go on then, ok, we’ll…

steve: ’Educating Ricky’, we got, we got, we got two left haven’t we, I’m looking forward to these.

karl: We’ve still got two more. We’ve still got, er, ‘If Only It Was Raining’ and, er, ‘What’s Tomato With You?’

ricky: The way he says it! I tell you what, I wish the listeners could see how happy he was when we started getting e-mails coming in.

steve: Oh yeah, people, they’re flooding in actually I have to say Karl, you’re improving…

ricky: Yeah, and he’s so happy he started dancing along going “Well that proves it’s a good completion,” he said.

karl: Look at that, look at that, Ricky, look at that mate.

steve: Look at this!

ricky: What?

karl: Look at THAT.

steve: There’s loads of people e-mailing there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I’ll tell you what it is, Karl, it’s not the competition, it’s this...

ricky & steve: ’Children Of The Corn’

steve: …widescreen DVD!

ricky: Next week some staples and pencils…

karl: I tell you what…

ricky: …a piece of carpet…

karl: I tell you what, right…

ricky: What?

karl: Now we’ve got ‘em, and they’re stayin’, something we’re, we’ve still gotta do…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …is, er…

ricky: He is running the show now, he’s doing well ain’t he, ‘cos I’ve done nothing. I’ve done nothing towards this. I’m coming out of my hangover a little bit if you were worried.

karl: Remember, remember…

ricky: So, go on.

karl: …remember, remember last week…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …we started a new feature called, er…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …’That Song’s Got A Good Story To It’ and it…

ricky: Brilliant! I love your catchy titles, they’re excellent!

karl: …right, and the idea was it was a story in a song…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …which meant if it was played on the radio you couldn’t just like fade it out ‘cos you’ve gotta have the full story.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right well last week we started the feature with Stevie Wonder, er, ‘Living For The City’...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …right?

steve: But you played the version where it fades out.

karl: Yeah but I didn’t know there was more to it, so Steve told me what album it was on…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …I’ve gone and got it, we’ve got the second half to that story…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …this week…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …so you’ve got half the story, what was it? What had happened is like the lad’s living in Missizzippi, there’s not much going on there…

ricky: Mrs Zippy? Is that, is that someone off ‘Rainbow’s Mum?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Erm…

ricky: Living, what…Mississippi.

karl: Yeah. He, his Dad’s, was his…his Mam was a cleaner…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …trying to get by, they didn’t have a great life but they still looked after their kids and stuff…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …there’s more to it than that.

steve: Have you got it ready?

ricky: There’s more to it than that!

karl: Yeah, I have, yeah.

steve: Ok.

ricky: I should hope so!

karl: I’ve got it ready, we’ll probably do it at about half-past.

ricky: Ok.

steve: So look forward to that, the second half of Steve Wonders’ ‘Living For The City’ a week later.

steve: I love a show that’s carefully planned. So listen, I…

ricky: Hey, look, he got in – this isn’t a show. This isn’t a show, this isn’t a radio show. This is…

steve: I don’t know what this is.

ricky: Nah, I don’t know what it is. We, we might as well start banging tambourines and urgggggggne. It’s ridiculous. This is rubbish. Right? But wait, some people e-mailed in…put him in a wheelie bin! Went to Blackpool! Right, erm, some people e-mailed in the stories, songs with stories and one of them was ‘Baboushka’ and he went “What’s that?” and I went “Oh it’s Kate Bush,” s’went “What is it?”, I went “Oh it’s about a woman who dresses up as another woman to, and seduces her husband,” he went “It wouldn’t work.”

ricky: Just dismissed it like that. Why didn’t you think it would work?

karl: Because you’d, you’d know, I mean, say like, say like, erm, right, Susanne right, who I go out with...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …right? She can see me from, say if I’m coming down the high street…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …she knows it’s me by the way I walk.

steve: Right.

karl: So just the fact that this woman went and put a wig on, there is no…

ricky: You haven’t even heard the song!

karl: I know but you’re saying that she put a disguise on and he was like “Oh I fancy her,” and he takes her out and he doesn’t know it’s his missus?

steve: You’re not buying it.

karl: I mean I’m, I’m controlling this feature...

ricky: Whereas the flea, whereas the flea with your brain going to Glasow? Perfect sense.

ricky: Yeah. ‘Baboushka’? Rubbish.

steve: Karl, can we have the tomato story after the next tune?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Bit of Coldplay?

steve: Yeah, love it.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Cold Play, The Scientist, on XFM 104.9. Right. Competition, innit?

steve: No, it's Educating Ricky part two.

ricky: Oh, is it? I wasn't even listening. He's doing all the work, I wasn't even listening. Oh, I nearly spilt some water now on that. What's this one again, then?

karl: Right, uhh...

steve: What's the er, teaser headline?

karl: Teaser headline is "What's tomato with you?"

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Go on, then.

karl: Yeah.

steve: How excited were you when you came up with that? You couldn't wait to tell us, could you? He-hee!

karl: I think it's a good one because you won't forget it now, will you? Like the worm one. What's special about the worm?

ricky: A lot of people think that if you cut a worm in half, two worms will grow, but no, what happens is, if you cut the head end slightly nearer the tail than the head, the tail will die but the worm with the head will be ok, so it's exploded a myth and taught me something.

karl: Right, so, the second one, part two of Educating Ricky, uh, "What's tomato with you?"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: What this one's about is, er... ages ago...

ricky: That's scientific!

steve: There's never a date, there's never a country...

ricky: I love the attention to detail! OK, settle down children, this is A-level History. Right.

steve: "Once upon a time..."

ricky: Yeah, yeah. "When a mental place with swords was a king, forget his name, but he was a loony, uh, so, and it was literally ages ago. So er, good luck in the exam!"

karl: So like, you know, all right, many years ago...

ricky: Oh yes, yeah yeah yeah, cleared that up, go on.

karl: They thought tomatoes were poisonous.

steve: OK.

karl: Right? Because what they-

ricky: Hold on, are they going to be proved wrong at the end of this story?

karl: Well, what-

ricky: Because I don't want to give away the ending, but... is it something to do with the... are they poisonous, tomatoes?

karl: Nope.

ricky: Oh, you're having a laugh.

steve: I don't believe it.

ricky: Go on, go on.

karl: But what-

steve: I could have been eating tomatoes all this time!

ricky: Oh, Steve, what's tomato with you, anyway?

steve: OK, so, wait a minute.

ricky: Oh, “what’s tomato with you?”.

steve: Let’s just recap quickly, recap quickly. Many years ago, when people thought tromatoes were poisonous…

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Go on, yeah.

karl: They didn’t know they were poisonous then because they were still eating them. But what was happening was-

ricky: Well they’re not.

steve: But they’re not poisonous.

karl: Ah! But hang on a minute…

steve: All right, I’m not going- I’m just going to listen. I’m not going to talk now.

ricky: OK, I’m not going to talk anymore.

karl: So, if you remember, years ago, they didn’t have, like, pottery plates.

karl: They had lead plates, right?

ricky: What are you talking about?

steve: Just let him talk-

ricky: Sorry, what year is this?

steve: Let him talk…

karl: Plates made out of lead, and what they’d end up doing, they’d say, “Right, do you want a tomato?” and they’d go, “Yeah, all right,” and they’d put the tomato on the lead plate and cut it, and because of the acid in the tomato, right, it would sort of… er, sort of, make the lead runny, and the lead would go into the tomato, and they’d say, “Oh, it’s lovely this,” and they’d be eating it, they’d get food poisoning, lead poisoning and what have you, and they’d be really ill. So they thought tomatoes were poisonous so they didn’t eat them for many years.

steve: And when you say they, do you mean the people of Narnia?

ricky: Yeah! This didn’t happen, Karl.

steve: Where was this happening?

karl: Err… sort of in Britain… and that.

ricky: You put him on the spot there! Oh, I hope there’s no uppity pupils in this school when they go, “What do you mean, sir?”—“Oh, if you’re gonna… oh, I’m fed up with you…”

karl: Do you understand?

ricky: No!

karl: So, so- the, the-

ricky: First of all, Karl, where did you get this information from?

karl: Where did I get that…

steve: 'Fortean Times' as well?

karl: I…

steve: You can’t remember.

karl: I don’t know where I got that from.

karl: But… what I don’t… why don’t you think it makes sense?

ricky: But, what? Somoeone once got lead poisoning from a tomato?

karl: Not just one, loads, and then all of a sudden…

karl: No, no…

ricky: Why is this educating me?

karl: Because I’m telling you that tomatoes used to…

ricky: But I can’t take anything away from this! I don’t know what to take away from this! What have I learnt? What have I learnt? Don’t mix lead with tomatoes?

ricky: Why is this educational in any shape or form? What are you talk- what are you telling me?

ricky: “A long time ago in the land of Glunk, right, where the Ninnies did slib, right, they thought tomatoes were poisonous because they ate of plates of lead!” What are you talking about?

karl: We all know tomatoes aren’t poisonous.

ricky: What are you talking about?

karl: Is that what we’re taking from the story?

ricky: Is that the moral of the story? Don’t believe these people that I’d never heard of before? What are you talking about, Karl?

karl: I just… I think it’s a bit weird.

ricky: I think it’s a bit weird, yeah!

steve: Is this the same people who were spreading those malicious worm rumours?

ricky: My hangover’s coming back. I’ve got to get some water. Play a record--that was rubbish.

ricky: I’m eatin’.

steve: Ey?

ricky: I’m eating.

steve: So am I. Karl you’ll have to carry on.

karl: Erm…

karl: …right, yeah.

steve: We’re all eating.

ricky: Crisps. Free crisps.

steve: Mm. So, last week, yeah you were playing your feature ‘That Song I Shouldn’t Switch Off Because I’m Enjoying The Story’.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And, er, we played ‘Living For The City’ only you played the single mix which doesn’t have the entire second act if you will.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So…Karl, you’ve not heard it before, you’re excited....

karl: I’ve never heard it before.

steve: …you’re excited to hear the second act, cos as far as you’re aware there was a young guy, he’s living with his family, fairly impoverished in Mississippi but, y’know, they’re happy and getting on alright…

karl: Mm.

steve: …but you’re not even aware he’s moving to the big city.

karl: No it just fades out, well....

steve: Well that’s the city in question.

karl: I mean I’ve liked this song for, must be, y’know, three or four years and I’ve always listened to the single version. I’d no idea that I didn’t know the full story. So, erm…

ricky: Yeah. It’s not, what, I mean…and I know you, you’re attention to detail, you like to know the full story, like where everything was and…

karl: Well the whole idea of the feature is to say…y’know, you’ve gotta…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …listen to the song.

ricky: Where was the lead plate thing. Where was the lead plate thing.

karl: That was like a few, few years back an...

ricky: Where. Where, where was it.

karl: In Britain, in Britain and Scotland.

ricky: Ye…

karl: It was a problem all over the world they had to deal with it.

ricky: You’re making it up now.

karl: So…

steve: Is it something you saw in ‘The Lord Of The Rings’?

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Right, so anyway.

ricky & steve: Yeah.

ricky: So the lion and the witch, yeah, go on.

steve: Go on.

karl: So far then, what, what do we, what did we learn in this story from Stevie Wonder?

steve: We learnt from Stevie that there’s a young lad he’s, as I say, he’s got a family, he’s fairly happy except they’re very poor and they struggle to get by but they’re happy, they’re doing it – anyway he’s moving to the big city, Karl, this is the bit you didn’t realise. Just play the track.

karl: Ok...

karl: So this is halfway through now, yeah?

steve: This is halfway through the tune now. This is, you’ve not heard this before have you?

karl: No.

steve: Let’s go.

ricky: Sorry about that, we accidentally played an episode of ‘Kojack’ by mistake.

ricky: We were going to play a song.

steve: Karl what did you make of that then?

ricky: Yeah, what’s happening there then?

steve: Hey? He, he, he was living with his family, he was fairly impoverished, he moves to the…

ricky: He went on a bus. That was a bus he went on wasn’t it?

karl: Right so, so…

steve: So what’s your take on it Karl.

karl: After hearing that, what I’ve worked out by it, the first part that we heard last week, er, everything’s alright but it’s not that great living in Missizzippi, right? So he goes “Ohh I’m gonna go to New York, plenty of work there,”…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …”They’ll sort of accept me as, y’know…and everything,” so he goes there and, er, the weird thing is he’s hardly, like, been in New York for a second…

karl: …he gets on a bus, all of a sudden some cop’s arresting him, he’s like “What’s going on,” and he’s got 10 years, I mean. They didn’t…what you can’t hear, ‘cos the levels are quite bad I mean, I work with sound, I can’t really hear what’s going on.

steve: You’re criticising Steve Wonder now.

karl: I’m sort of guessing that he didn’t pay his bus fare or something, and er…

ricky: 10 years!

steve: He got 10 years for that.

karl: I…I really don’t know what was going on.

steve: Right. But you’re not happy because obviously it’s quite down-beat…

ricky: D’you think Stevie Wonder left out some vital ingredients in the story, in your, in your education? Like where it was, or…at least he got where it was. You can tell what year it is, it’s, er, right in the mid-70s there, that funky, that funky New York 70s sound.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Yeah

steve: You’re pretty disappointed aren’t you. You’re a bit worried.

karl: Yeah but…so what went on?

steve: Yeah. You know....

karl: What happened?

steve: Well you know, you’re aware Karl that, because that shows quite a bad image of New York, it’s quite an intolerant city by all accounts. They arrested a guy seemingly for being black.

karl: But it is quite bad because, that’s…that’s one song where you shouldn’t go New York. ‘Killing Of Georgie’, Rod Stewart, that lad, he was doing alright in Scotland and said “I’m gonna go to the big city,” he got done in.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Seems to me it’s the, don’t go there if, if you’ve got, like, problems, don’t think New York’s the answer.

steve: Right!

ricky: Ohhhh, hold on hold on hold on, yeahhhhhhh, so what you’re saying? That if you’re, if you’re a bit fed up with your life but you’ve got, y’know, you live with your Mum and she’s like really nice and you got friends, and life’s not that bad...

karl: Yeah.

ricky: …don’t, DON’T go and have, don’t go and be murdered or what, what you saying? Don’t go and be murdered. Don’t go and…

karl: Well, le- leave, leave…

ricky: What what what what, go on.

karl: Leave home but don’t go t’New York.

steve: Right.

karl: There’s other places.

steve: Where would you go? Sheffield?

karl: Well. Dunno, but…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But you, you’re a little, you’re a little Manc lad weren’t you? You were in your garden with your, you had your trainset your brother blew up, there was a horse next door and you thought “Ohh, I wanna go to London,” so, d’you know what I mean? You sort of, you, you’re like that…

karl: Yeah, but…

ricky: …you’re in many ways like the fella in that song and like, erm, Georgie.

karl: No, because…

ricky: In many ways you are a bit like Georgie aren’t you.

karl: I had a car, so.

ricky: No, you’re a bit like Georgie in many ways.

karl: I didn’t get on a bus, I had car, so I wasn’t going to have to problem he had for a start.

steve: Right.

karl: But, I mean, I suppose there’s loads of things you can look at that story and take out of it. That’s what I like about the feature, right.

ricky: What?

karl: So….

ricky: That’s what you like about the feature?

karl: The feature that we’re doing.

ricky: Oh right!

karl: The ’That Song’s Got A Good Story In It’.

ricky: If you had a time machine where would you go. What year would you go. Would you go…

karl: Probably the 60s.

ricky: Ok, would you go forward at all?

karl: Nah.

ricky: What’s your favourite year in the future?

karl: No, I, I…I...dunno.

steve: If someone could tell your future to you, if someone could…

karl: I wouldn’t do it.

steve: You wouldn’t wanna know.

ricky: No.

steve: Straight away you knew that didn’t you.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

steve: Straight away; no hesitation. You’ve thought about this haven’t you.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Ok.

steve: You’ve thought to yourself if someone could reveal my future, I don’t want to know.

ricky: Karl, you’ve gotta, you’ve gotta do one of these things, right? You know, y’know, y’know like ‘Quantum Leap’, like the fella in ‘Quantum Leap’. What’s his name?

steve: I forget his name, but yeah.

ricky: Yeah, and you’ve got a little fella with Hal and he’s telling, ya, right, would you rather go back, and you can go in someone’s body, would you rather go back, you could go back to be…erm…uh…a donkey. Donkey that’s…carrying Mary to…Bethlehem. You could, ah, be…a Saigon…prostitute in 1975, all those G.Is queuing up.

steve: Think about it.

ricky: Or, erm, you could be, er…um…Moby Dick.

steve: Which of those would you be, Karl.

karl: Er….

steve: Think about it.

karl: Probably…Moby Dick’s the best option, inn’it?

ricky: Ok.

karl: So that’s…

ricky: What, what we got next?

karl: …yeah.

steve: Play a tune Karl. After this we need to educate Ricky for the final time.

karl: For the final time, ‘Educating Ricky’.

steve: We’ve still got to give away these tickets to DJ Shadow and we’ve got to give the answers to your magnificent competition.

ricky: Ohh we’ve only got a quarter of an hour, there’s not enough time in this show it’s packed.

steve: ’Race For The Prize’ by the Flaming Lips. Competition answer time is it Karl?

karl: Yeah we did, er, we did this, like, about an hour ago.

steve: Rockbusters.

karl: Rockbusters.

steve: With Karl Pilkington.

karl: Yep, er, I gave you some initials, the initials sort of, er, made up a band. We had LR. We had, er, NS and we had FL.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah just, LR was, what.

steve: Well give us the clues, give us the clues and the answers.

karl: Right. So. LR. The clue was ‘I’ll take that book to the toilet with me,’…

steve: What’s the answer?

karl: … Lou Reed.

steve: Lou Reed.

ricky: Good. Very, very good.

steve: Well that’s very good. That’s very good Karl, well done.

karl: Ok, next one, FL; ‘Blow the candles out before you eat the cake,’ yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We just played ‘em.

ricky & karl: Flaming Lips.

steve: There we are.

karl: Ok and the final one was NS; ‘How can I wash up in something shaped liked this.’

steve: Yep.

karl: That was N-Sync. Yeah?

steve: N-Sync?

karl: N-Sync. It’d be a bit…

steve: N-Sync.

karl: If you had a sink, you wash up in a sink…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …shaped like an N you’d be like “Oh, have I got everything out?” So…

steve: Has anyone got that? Wow.

karl: Right, so…

steve: Well, no, there are right answers I have to say Karl, you’ve done very well. It was an enormous response. I’m just going to click on one of these e-mails randomly, I’m not even going to look. Who we got here.

steve: We’ve got Kath Turner is the winner. Kath Turner gets those great DVD and CDs including…

ricky: I think Kath will be watching ‘Children Of The Corn’ tonight!

steve: …’Children Of The Corn’! It must be ‘Children Of The Corn’.

ricky: She was going out but I imagine she’s gonna can – she’s gonna phone a few friends and say “I can’t come out, I’m ill,”…

steve: Exactly.

ricky: …they go, “You’re not…you’re not, y- you’re not watching Children Of The Corn are you?” s’go “No, no, no, no, no.”

steve: And we’ve learnt as well there are about five other sequels to ‘Children Of The Corn’ so maybe we can give those away in consecutive weeks.

ricky: Brilliant, what else have we got to do, er, ah, we….quick Karl, what would you rather be; a tree frog or a tree crab. Quick. What would you rather be.

steve: Straight away.

ricky: Tree frog or tree crab.

karl: Tree frog.

ricky: Why.

karl: I dunno what one is, you just said pick one quick.

ricky: A tree frog or a tree crab! What would you rather be, a tree frog yeah?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Ok what would you rather be, a tic or a leech. They both suck blood there’s not a lot in it, go on.

karl: A leech.

ricky: Why.

karl: ’Cos I heard they’ve got, er, I was reading about them yesterday. They’ve got three hundred teeth and, and what they do is, if they got on ya and you didn’t get it off with a match or anything, it would stay there and it eats 5 times the amount of blood to make it 5 times bigger than the size of itself.

ricky: Ohh you’re a scientist.

karl: And then it’ll go “Ohh I’ve had enough,” and it falls off.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Naturally.

ricky: What would you rather be, a puppy or a kitten.

karl: Ffff……oh…..kitten

ricky: Why.

karl: Just look better.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Some great adverts there on XFM 104.9.

steve: I enjoyed them. Absolutely. Listen, we have to give away these, er, three pair – we HAVE to give these away, Rick!

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: We’ve got three pairs of DJ Shadows tickets and there’s just not enough time!

ricky: I know, but, y’turns out we’re SO jam-packed, I think we’ve planned too much for this show.

steve: We have indeed. We should…

ricky: Next week there’s, I think, we’d have be a little bit flabbier next week.

steve: Rick, can we…

ricky: Do less, do less.

steve: Rick, can we chill out next week please?

ricky: Yeaheahyeahyeahyeah, go on then.

steve: So yeah we, er, we…any, any ideas guys, any questions, sort of DJ Shadow related questions? Any shadow or DJ questions? Karl any ideas?

ricky: What does…what does the word DJ mean.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Eh, that’s too easy in’nit. I tell ya, I tell ya something I do know.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right But, ah, I can’t really get a question out of it.

ricky: Go on, just tell us.

karl: There’s a shadow somewhere...

ricky: It’s already good in’nit.

steve: I’m loving it already.

karl: No no no right, there’s a shadow, I think it was in America…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …er, it’s on a quiet road I - I’m guessing somewhere like Boston or that’s what I imagine…

ricky: Well don’t!

steve: Ok, no-d-d-d-d-d….

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Somewhere like Boston and people at night used to see this shadow moving about and they’d go “What’s that?” right, and it got known the town, the little local town, got known for this shadow but it didn’t cause any problems. People used…

ricky: What are you talking about?

steve: You’ve lost me!

ricky: What are you talking about?

karl: No, d’you know like some places get famous like, er, Scotland’s got the Loch Ness Monster and that but it doesn’t cause any…

ricky: Nah, it doesn’t. Go on.

karl: …but it doesn’t cause any problems.

ricky: Doesn’t exist, go on.

karl: So there’s this shadow walking about on the road, and, er...

ricky: What, what do you mean, no, wh – see, again. Rubbish.

karl: Right, so it’s walking about...

ricky: Nonsense. Where did you read this? Where did you see this?

karl: …it’s walking about…this was on the internet and I thou-

ricky: Oh, sorry! Sorry! I thought it was shite. I didn’t know it was on the internet.

karl: Right, so this shadow’s moving about and, er…

ricky: God.

steve: Independently of an object.

karl: Yeah, and the, and the local mayor and that, he’s like “Yeah, it’s a bit weird but it’s not harming anyone.”

ricky: The mayor involved!

steve: Was he elected to that post?

ricky in southern us accent: ”Hey, hey Mayor? We got a problem down here, seems like a shadow.” “Ah, well it’s not causing anybody…”, “No, it’s just…”

steve: Is it causing any problems?

karl: But that’s the thing, it was left for years and then it did start causing problems.

steve: Oooh, I see, that’s it! If you leave these shadows to go unchecked, Rick, they go crazy.

ricky: Yep!

steve: You let them run amok in the street, you’ve gotta stand your ground with the shadows.

ricky: What did the shadow do?

karl: It was pushing people off their bikes.

steve: It was what?

karl: It was pushing people off their bikes.

ricky: Ohhhhh God!

karl: I’ll find out more for that next week, right, that’ll tease them.

ricky: Ohhhhh you’re a maniac!

karl: We’ll do more on that. We haven’t had time for ‘Educating Ricky’…

steve: Please never have children.

karl: Right, listen...

ricky: You are a maniac!

steve: Just promise me now you’ll never have kids.

ricky: Look…

karl: We haven’t got time now for, er...

steve: Ok, listen, alright. DJ Shadow. Have we got time to give these tickets away?

karl: Yeah if they just call up, we’ll, er…

steve: No, I tell you what, I’ve got a question, alright?

karl: Go on.

steve: Where does Karl think this may have taken place. If you’ve been listening to the show, where do you think this evil shadow has been running amok. Let us know. The number Karl?

karl: Ah, ooooh…

ricky: Good question.

karl: …08700 800 1234. So, er…

steve: Excellent.

karl: …but that’s it, we are actually out of time.

steve: That’s it. We are indeed. But I, have I got time for a song for the ladies?

karl: It’s a bit tight, I was told to finish up…

ricky: Why? It’s five-to.

karl: I know but we’ve gotta get finish early today, so…

ricky: Why??

karl: Just ‘cos we have and we’re wasting more time talking about why we have to.

ricky: Oh, this is pathetic.

karl: So, they call up, er, where did I see the ghost…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …and you’ve got to pick the tickets up from reception, you can go tonight see DJ Shadow.

ricky: Shoddy. This is shoddy.

karl: Right. See ya then.