XFM Vault - S02E10 Transcript

ricky: Doves. Caught by the river on Xfm, 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington – doing the buttons and stuff. Actually becoming a little bit of a producer!

steve: Karl? Yeah.

ricky: He’s put a bit of work in hasn’t he? He’s come up with a few games, and we made him – he’s getting a bit stressed when we shout at him, because the mics don’t work or it’s hanging off or it’s too hot in here. He couldn’t get the thing working last week, I mean – I really would throw this studio away and get a real one.

steve: Yeah. Well I’d get one of those ones you can buy for like a tenner from Argos.

ricky: Argos, yeah, like "Bontempi: My first studio."

steve: Yeah "My first broadcasting studio."

ricky: With a little picture of Karl on it.

steve: Yeah exactly. That’d be great product placement.

ricky: What’ve you got this week for us Karl because, again, we’ve put very little – I said I would put – I’m not hung-over but I’ve put nothing into it.

steve: Rick, have you done any work for this week’s show?

ricky: No, no. Have you?

steve: None whatsoever? Nooo no no.

ricky: OK Karl. What’ve you got? Keep em – Quick, it’s five past already. They’re turning over already, they’re finding other things.

steve: Karl what have you come up with?

ricky: There’s Mel and Sue, there’s everything. Go on.

karl: We’ve got – after the success of last week – Rockbusters. We’re doing that again.

steve: Sorry –were you on the same show as us?

karl: I thought it went alright last week.

ricky: Yeah, good.

karl: So we’ll be doing that. Got some nice prizes which –

ricky: Ooh what prizes! What arbitrary films have we got, we haven’t got – have we got -

steve: Don’t tell them yet!

ricky: No – I tell you what, if it’s "Children of the Corn 2", then can I enter this competition?

karl: There you go. Cop a load of that.

ricky: What is that?

steve: He’s got some different prizes – maybe I should just tease the audience with those a bit later Rick because there’s some exciting stuff there.

ricky: Oh right, yeah. It’s going to be amazing.

steve: I don’t want to give too much away Rick but one of them is a copy of the Office on DVD.

ricky: Is anything like maybe Burt Reynolds’s straight to video film? Are any of those in there?

steve: Sadly nothing quite as classy.

ricky: “Fist.” Oh god.

karl: Right, so we’ve got that lot to give away.

ricky: Yep, yep. Go on.

karl: We’ve got educating Ricky. Where I teach you stuff.

ricky: Yep. Because you taught me that people used to eat tomatoes off lead plates in the land of Narnia, last week. Which was good. Yeah.

karl: No...

ricky: Is it only tomatoes they eat off the lead plates by the way? Why didn’t they think other fruits and vegetables were poisonous?

karl: No it wasn’t. It was because tomatoes had acid in ‘em. That was the problem you see, you don’t listen.

ricky: Well lots of fruits have acid in them.

karl: Yeah but they didn’t eat them. Back then. They didn’t have bloody... kiwi fruit and stuff..

ricky: Don’t say bloody! You’re a producer. I’ll start saying ‘shit’ and ‘cock’ and stuff. If you’re saying bloody.

steve: Tits.

ricky: Play... play the...

karl: Hang on... and the... keep ‘em hooked, right, we’ve still got... Song with a story in it.

ricky: Yeah. You don’t want to play Babooshka do you? He doesn’t like the idea of Babooshka - I told him that as a story and he doesn’t like it. ‘The devil went down to Georgia’, someone sent in, you know, ‘he’s looking for a soul to steal’. He doesn’t like it, why don’t you like that?

karl: Do you know the song?

steve: Not particularly.

karl: Right. It’s a song about a lad who goes into a pub on a normal night –

ricky: It’s in the deep south of America, New Orleans – or something like that, it’s not the Old Kent Road.

steve: Right, okay.

karl: He goes into the pub, there’s a devil in there. Who’s getting a bit cocky. He’s had a bit to drink and he’s saying do you wanna, sorta, gamble your soul away with me, and we’ll see who’s best at playing the violin.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And... Er, I think the lad wins in the end. But it... It’s not real enough. Whereas the one –

ricky: Oh! What, not like the Shadow that got fed up and started pushing kids off bikes? In Boston.

steve: Rick, I think you’re referring to stuff that no one made sense of last week.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly

steve: I don’t think you should refer to last week’s -

ricky: Let’s play Mock Turtles, ‘Can you dig it?’, and then we’ll come back. And we’ll talk about that.

karl: Alright then.

steve: I’ve come to the conclusion Rick we should never refer to stuff Karl said in the past because it would just take too long to explain.

ricky: Oh right okay, that’s fair enough.

ricky: Mock Turtles. Can you dig it?

steve: Indeed.

ricky: What I’ve done there is I’ve taken the title and I’ve done it like I’m talking to someone.

steve: Sure, Sure.

ricky: Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: So Karl how excited are you about Ricky’s celebrity boxing match? Are you gonna be there? Are you going to come along? Are you aware of all this, you’re aware of all this are you?

karl: Yeah I’ve heard about it.

steve: We can’t name the opponent because that should be a surprise -

ricky: Or when it is.

steve: But anyway it’s for charity is it, it’s a charity boxing match? And um -

ricky: Yeah, yeah. I’ve always wanted to beat someone up for charity.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: It’s a good cause.

steve: But the thing about Ricky is, I don’t know if you’re aware of this Karl, Ricky’s one of these men who... doesn’t mind making a fool of himself on the telly and being funny and stuff, but, if people said to him “Right, you can either be Britain’s funniest man – universally agreed that you’re the funniest man in Britain – or you could like, beat some gangsters up in a pub, he would go that. “Please, let me beat people up in a pub.” Maybe like an old man’s being hassled like by some street youths – you come in and smash some bottles over their heads and sort of sort it out.

ricky: OK against the odds though.

steve: Against the odds. There’s about five of them against you.

ricky: Sure, sure, sure.

steve: So Ricky’s got this kind of...

ricky: Get to the point, come on.

steve: Well the point is he quite likes the idea of being sort of macho you know what I mean and a tough guy, you know, cos he grew up in a rough –

ricky: No! I like Boxing!

steve: Yeah but you’d LOVE the idea of people going “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais”. If someone said “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais” that would be exciting wouldn’t it.

steve: “Never mess with Ricky Gervais, he will destroy you.” That’s what you’d love. Cos you used to do karate didn’t you?

ricky: Ages ago yeah.

steve: And didn’t you get all the way up to... white belt?

ricky: No, I was one away from black and then I stopped cos that’s when I started working nights.

steve: (sarcastically) One step away from black.

ricky: I was!

steve: Were you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: OK. Anyway I was chatting to him last night in the pub cos the boxing match is obviously in about five weeks time I think isn’t it, and anyway... He was sat there, Karl, I don’t know if you know this about Ricky but he’s taken to smoking cigars. Are you aware of this?

ricky: No I have the occasional one..

steve: He got a cigar, he got like a Montecristo out of his pocket, it was ludicrous. He looked like George Peppard, from the A-Team or something. It was pathetic. And he was drinking Guinness, and I was saying to him – aren’t you doing a boxing match soon? And –

ricky: I haven’t started training yet, I’m starting training next week.

steve: and you’re not concerned that it’s gonna have an impact? What I’m saying is boxers - You know they normally put in some effort and stuff.

ricky: (laughing) yeah like years of training. Getting up at 5:30 and stuff.

steve: Yeah. Cos you reminded me of Frank Bruno, when he was preparing for panto.

steve: Not when he was...

ricky: I don’t think he even smoked then did he. Or drank.

steve: So what’s your thinking Rick? Cos you know you’re going to get your face pummelled, you know that they’re gonna destroy you. You haven’t got a chance.

ricky: That’s why I left it this long, so I definitely lost my looks.

steve: But you haven’t got a chance.

ricky: You’re having a laugh.

steve: Have you ever been – taken a punch to the face?

ricky: Sorry, listen – Sorry -

steve: But i’m genuinely concerned!

ricky: is this sort of, psychological training because –

steve: No it’s not psychological training it’s a warning.

steve: I’ve spoken to your friends and your loved ones and they all agree. We’ve got a petition going! We’re sending it to the BBC. “Please do not let this man box.” Anyone else, please, but – you’re just. They’re going to beat you – seriously have you ever had like a boxing glove in the face?

ricky: No.

steve: I think you should let us punch you next week live on this show.

ricky: You’d like that wouldn’t you.

steve: No because you’ve got to get used to it! Cos I think you’re gonna either... cry, just start crying uncontrollably, or just run away. You’ll just run away, you’ll just climb out the ring and run off.

ricky: (laughing) yeah. This is the same tactic that Ali used against Foreman in “Rumble in the Jungle.” Oh dear.

steve: Cos I think a boxing glove – I know you’re wearing like, huge, aren’t you wearing like huge foam boxing gloves?

ricky: No, not now no we’re not. We’re using normal amateur ones.

steve: Are you wearing boxing gloves like those ones they used to have on Gladiators? Another one bites the dust.

steve: Those big foam – you can slap each other.

ricky: Neck braces yeah. And a big sumo suit. So I should be OK.

steve: You get some kind of head protection do you?

ricky: Yeah it’s amateur.

steve: It’s amateur you say!

ricky: No I mean it’s –

steve: So there’s no title here is there?

ricky: No, I mean amateur is head guards, vest, and 16 oz gloves or something. As opposed to professional which is no vest – bare-chested, oh! Maybe I could ask to fight bare-chested cos I’d quite like to show off my body, if I could.

steve: I think wrestling is probably better for you.

steve: But I don’t mean those kinda like - the Rock and people like that I’m talking about Big Daddy – that kind of, where you can just throw yourself at someone.

ricky: That’d be good. Where they can be sort of nearly dying but they can do a stomach-butt. A stomach to stomach – that’s a good move isn’t it, in British wrestling. I always liked that one.

ricky: Like two elephant seals fighting over a female.

steve: Yeah. Is it true you spent – knowing you - you spent more time deciding what tune you’re going to enter the ring to?

ricky: I wanna come out to California by 2pac and Dr.Dre. I think that’d be really good.

steve: I think that’s embarrassing.

ricky: I’m gonna come out with loads of um – little midgets to make me look really big.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: I mean, I dunno what the BBC think of that but –

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But it might be an idea.

steve: I dunno. Maybe we should take suggestions as to songs which would be perhaps more appropriate.

ricky: OK.

steve: “I get knocked down.” But I get up again.

ricky: Hey fatty boom-boom.

steve: Yeah, yeah. It’s going to be pathetic.

ricky: Play a record Karl. He’s dissed me.

steve: You’ll take a punch to the jaw next week, on air.

ricky: Turin Brakes. Long Distance. On Xfm, 104.9.

steve: Mmhmm.

ricky: On the way in – right, you know those little cars. They look like a little bubble car, they’re modern ones they look like half a car. The ones –

steve: Is that like a “Smart” car? Is that what it’s called?

ricky: Yeah, they just look like – they just look like a toy car, and you can park them sideways.

steve: Mm. There’s only room for two people.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. It’s just like half of the – the front of a Volkswagen just cut in half, right. And I saw one going down Oxford Street, and it’s a police car.

ricky: A real police car. Right.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah. And – I mean, I thought – What happens if they have to chase someone – They couldn’t, but I don’t think that’s the point – because it was written on the side, it said something like “Cleaner,” something-er, “more efficient”, so I think they’re making the point that - we’re cruising around in this car like we’re on the beat and it’s using less energy and stuff. But the first thing I thought of, right, was that those two policemen, they must have been going “Oh Sarge, don’t let us have that one. Can’t we have the Grenada.”

steve: Yeah. It’s so embarrassing.

ricky: I know. Police – you know, they’re doing a –

steve: But you’ve got to respect them. Street toughs have got to respect them.

ricky: Yeah I know, of course yeah – Exactly -

steve: The only thing more embarrassing –

ricky: What if you’re really tall and you have to climb out of one and you’re a copper.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Are there any policemen out there who have been asked to drive one of these cars, if you’re listening – Do you think police listen to this?

steve: The only thing that would be more embarrassing is if you had to patrol on one of those bikes The Goodies used to ride.

steve: That’s the only thing I think that would be more pathetic.

ricky: Or a pogo stick.

steve: Yeah. It’s so embarrassing. Or on roller-skates. But not like rollerblades – roller-skates, those really old roller-skates.

ricky: Have you seen those –

steve: That you tie on your socks.

ricky: Have you seen those little bikes? That look like clown bikes, that couriers use now. They’re about a foot high.

steve: I saw a guy the other day on it and my head turned yeah. Really bizarre. Are they those ones, they fold up?

ricky: Yeah. But think of a policeman chasing you on that.

steve: Well I always remember even in America when you started seeing policemen riding bikes, it didn’t seem to me... it seemed..

ricky: They’re quite cool. The ones that go through central park on the mountain bikes, yeah.

steve: Cos they seemed – it looks like they should be delivering newspapers.

ricky: Because they whizz along at 30 miles an hour – delivering newspapers (laughs)

steve: Do you know what I mean because on motorbikes – On a Harley Davidson or whatever I’m not messing with a cop. Chips, I mean chips - that’s cool coppers. People in a Smart car or, a you know – It is a bit embarrassing.

ricky: Yeah. But I suppose it’s either that or – it’s better than walking. You see -

steve: You might as well see them – if you really want to be kind of worried about the environment - you know those little taxis you see that people pedal. They pedal round Soho.

ricky: Yeah and when it’s like a riot squad there’s four in the back

steve: Exactly.

karl: But that’s the thing right, if they need to arrest someone –

ricky: Oh, here we are. Here we go. Go on.

karl: No well what do they do. Because they do only sit two so, do they have to flag a cab down or something for the criminal.

steve: It’s a good point. “We’ll give you the money – get a receipt, take –“

ricky: “You definitely will go there? You definitely will because we’ve been caught this way before.”

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: The last bloke he just ran off. ‘No I won’t run off’ Okay, well I tell you what um, Mr. Policeman – I’ll take your car. “Okay go on then.” Yeah, you’ll definitely bring it back though. I will, I will. Isn’t there something in America where when they arrest someone in America, they don’t take them back to the station and fill out all the forms, they just take them back to the station, and then they go and fill the forms out in a café or something so they’re still looking out.

karl: Yep.

ricky: Yep. Karl told me that.

steve: They what? So they’re still on patrol or something?

ricky: Yeah. So they’re doing all their paperwork but they’re in a café window and they’re looking out.

karl: Do you know like how they say in this country so much police time’s wasted by having to go back to the office and filling out loads of forms.

steve: That sounds like a policeman going “Yeah, I could get a lot more work done if I was in Starbucks.”

ricky: “Yeah yeah there’s a lot of criminals in the pub and if I would be able to keep the receipts”

steve: “What’s safest is if I didn’t wear my uniform, and probably got drunk with some mates..”

ricky: “Or... A lot happens looking out my bedroom window, so if I was just like, snoozing. And when I heard a noise I’d pop my head - just look out. Oi! Come here!”

steve: Apparently there’s a lot of crime in Marbella over the next two weeks. Pay me to shoot over there..

ricky: If there’s a policeman listening and you’ve been asked to drive one of those cars were you annoyed when your Sargent –

steve: It is the most embarrassing. Definitely.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: Yeah. No I think the pogo stick. The triple tandem.

steve: (laughing) The triple tandem.

ricky: We should get that, for when we do our roadshow. Karl does all the peddaling. I’m in a basket in the front.

steve: “Hello Weston Super-Mare!”

ricky: Play a record Karl what’ve you got.

karl: What do you want, a bit of Mott the Hoople?

ricky: Oh Mott the Hoople! Yeah. Dug it out the library. Had one, the greatest hits, which was enough wasn’t it.

steve: That’s a bit Rock for us Rick.

ricky: Roll away the stone.

ricky: Coldplay. The Scientist.

steve: Have you seen the video for that?

ricky: No but...

steve: Absolutely magnificent.

ricky: Is it?

steve: It’s brilliant.

ricky: Is it the one where he’s walking backwards through the woods?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh yes, I have. Yeah.

steve: Absolutely extraordinary. Well done to Coldplay.

ricky: I like all their videos. I think they’re great. I still haven’t worked out how they do that one with the – whether it’s a filter and they just turn up the light, cos it gets light – through the duration of the video

steve: Oh and they’re just walking along, yeah. Impressive.

ricky: Yeah. And it’s slow as well so must’ve... done it fast and slowed it down.

steve: Yeah. I’d like them to win an award.

ricky: I’d like them to win awards. I like Coldplay.

steve: Yeah. Good luck to them. Rick, can I just – sorry, I don’t mean to abuse our position again, but Bruce Springsteen is performing in London tomorrow night. You remember I made an appeal to try and get a free ticket. Well I don’t even mind paying – I tried to pay – but -

ricky: That’s good of you!

steve: Well I’m a generous kind of guy.

ricky: I thought you were mean. But go on what were you going to say.

steve: All I’m saying is –

ricky: You don’t mind paying for a ticket – Face value I mean you don’t want to be ripped off do you.

steve: Don’t be crazy. You know ideally half price.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I’ve been chasing, kind of, my tail really – I’m not going, at the moment I’m not going. And I’m desperate to see the man. You know, he’s going to do a great concert; it’s his only one in London. I can’t believe that being on the radio, being on XFM, the listenership’s going up apparently – I can’t believe I can’t get a ticket. I’ve asked Karl, he’s done nothing. He’s done nothing.

karl: Hang on a minute.

ricky: No, Karl had a very good point. Karl, tell them what you said when he was whinging in the break.

karl: First of all, whilst you’re moaning, you also asked in the week for a Badly Drawn Boy album.

steve: Yeah.

karl: You got in today – there’s one there for you.

steve: Well yeah but it’s yin and yang Karl.

karl: And it’s like yeah but I didn’t, you know -

ricky: Karl, what’s Steve ever done for you? That’s what you’ve got to ask yourself. What has Steve ever done for you?

karl: Well. He took me to the BAFTAs. Yeah, but only cos no one else would probably no one else would wanna go with you.

steve: You’re having a laugh! What is this!

ricky: I can’t believe that... I do not believe that. Oh Steve – I’m going to stitch you up now Karl – and this is in a nice way and don’t worry, it won’t be too bad, he won’t take it too bad. Karl sent me a little text message today.

steve: Right. Oh, what is this?

ricky: Right, Okay.

steve: You know I’m in a very frail mood at the moment cos I’m not going to see Bruce.

ricky: No you’ll like this, this is funny. Cos me and him have been sending like trivia back and forth to each other. Which is another point right – I sent him – Oh, well I’ll get to that in a minute – I thought he’d really be amazed with –

steve: Well while you’re fiddling – If you can make my dream come true, to go and see Bruce Springsteen tomorrow then give us a call on the usual number.

karl: Yeah. But like I said, Steve -

steve: What?

karl: Right. You just said while the song was on – Can’t believe it, we work at XFM, and I can’t get tickets for Springsteen. Right, ‘we work in radio we should get tickets’ –

steve: Which I’m willing to pay for!

karl: Yeah, But if it’s sold out it’s sold out.

steve: Yeah but that’s just something they say...

karl: Right that’s just what they say is it. So everybody on local radio stations say ‘do you know,. I like that Bruce Springsteen I want a free ticket’, right – so another say, four -

steve: I tried to phone! I phoned for an hour and a half I couldn’t get through!

ricky: Not long enough.

karl: Not long enough.

steve: What you talking about? I’ve put the hours in.

ricky: Nah.

karl: Right, so, another 400 people turn up at the gig, they cram ‘em all in, there’s people being crushed, you know – they’ve paid the money early they were up early that day when the phone lines were open. Whilst you were probably sleeping, and that. So they’re dedicated and they’re the ones at the front getting crushed.

steve: What?

karl: Would you be happy...

steve: Why are they getting crushed?

karl: ...if you were there, getting crushed?

steve: I don’t – I’ll sit at the side of the stage and watch him! I don’t mind!

karl: Yeah but – Everyone will say that then. And before you know it – No one can see anything.

ricky: Yep. Nope. Karl’s right on this one.

ricky: Right here you go let me just read this. I’m gonna give you this here, I’m handing over my mobile phone to Steve to read the – you can see its from Karl at the top, but just read it out, as you scroll down, just read it out loud.

steve: Is this a text message from..?

ricky: Yeah it’s a text message to me from Karl. Read it out.

steve: “...To see at night as well as an owl, you would need eyes the size of grapefruits. If only Stephen could turn his head right round as well.”

steve: Karl I can’t believe it. What upsets me most, Karl, is not the fact that you’ve been slagging me off, behind my back, it’s the fact that you’ve got the cheek to come on here, and moralise because you failed to get me tickets and make a dream come true. You’ve come on here trying to pass the buck and say that it’s a health and safety problem, when in actual fact it’s a Karl Pilkington problem.

steve: I can’t... I’m devastated, I’m devastated.

ricky: Let’s play a record.

steve: I’m just... absolutely

ricky: I should have eaten this banana off air.

steve: What’s the number?

karl: It’s 08700 800 1234. But if it’s sold out Steve It’s sold out.

ricky: A bit of a classic here, R.E.M.

steve: I bet if Ricky really wanted to go it’d be fine, I’m sure someone could sort it out then. (mocks) Ooh if Ricky Gervais wants to go he can come.

ricky: I am going.

steve: Are you?

ricky: No.

karl: Do you want some tickets though?

ricky: U2, political storm. That’s Great, that’s great. I love that. On Xfm 104.9 I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, I want you to tell Steve what you told me in the week.

ricky: About the snake, about the anaconda. How to – right, this is Karl’s method, he’s not scared of the anaconda. The 30ft long biggest scariest snake in the world –

karl: No you were talking about stuff weren’t you, about in jungles and that and animals.

ricky: As we do. Right.

karl: And I remember reading - about – say if you’re in the jungle. And you get tired and you go to sleep, right. And you sort of wake up and you feel something on your leg. And you look down, and it’s an anaconda, right. And it’s swallowing your feet. Cos apparently they always go from the feet up. They never eat you from the ‘ead. So um...

ricky: Ok. Shall I save these points to the end – cos that’s wrong.

steve: Make a list of the points

ricky: Cos they always eat head first because of the way the fur goes, if they have to take a cappabarra or even a rat they’d take it from the head first cos -

steve: Make a point, make some notes. We’ll come back to those later.

ricky: Ok that’s wrong. Ok next go on so they always eat you from the feet. Go on.

karl: So they’re swallowing your feet. And it said on the website – if you wake up, and you see this anaconda doing that sort of eating away at your feet – Don’t panic.

ricky: Don’t panic, I’m just writing this down... Don’t panic. Ok, go on

karl: Don’t try and kick it off. Just let it sorta swallow you. But only up to your knees.

ricky: Ok. Why not kick it off, straight away?

karl: I think it sort of gets a bit angry and starts thrashing about and it can swallow faster, I think.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: I’m guessing that bit.

steve: Ok... Just put a question mark by that there Rick.

ricky: Pop a question mark next to ‘eat knees’...

karl: So yeah. ..

ricky: So eat it up to your knees.

karl: So it’s up to your knees, and then what you do is, you get a knife, and you cut -

steve: And how do you get a knife, do you walk over to the kitchen

ricky: Ok so ‘pop over, get knife’ where’s that come from? Get knife.

karl: You always have a knife.

ricky: Oh you always have a knife, of course you do. Otherwise you’re a fool always have a knife. Okay.

karl: Well come on. If you’re going into a jungle.

ricky: Yep. Yep.

steve: Always have a knife, OK.

ricky: Always have a knife yeah.

karl: Simple.

ricky: Um, Could I just suggest something? Supposing you’re wearing combat trousers, and the knife is actually in those – you know those trousers by the knee – sort of pocket by the knee – what happens then? I suppose you could still reach in... Into the mouth couldn’t you?

ricky: So anyway you’ve got a knife... Let’s say you’ve fallen asleep, the anaconda’s chewing your feet, up to the knees, you’ve got a knife, what do you do then Karl?

karl: Right. So it’s up to your knees. And what you do is you get your knife that you got out your pocket earlier and you cut it at the mouth, right, do you know like either side of the lips. So you’re sort of cutting it in half.

steve: Right like a Chelsea smile.

karl: And it can’t... yeah that’s right. It can’t do anything, it wasn’t ready for that. It can’t move about cos it’s got like your legs in its mouth.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Erm. And peel it off and walk away.

ricky: Okay. Um. My main point – really, is this Karl. Never will an anaconda or any constrictor – python, boa constrictor – just start eating a sleeping man. He will crush you to death first. That’s why they’re called constrictors. They’re not called gobblers are they? Or whole-y swallowers? They’re called constrictors. Why would he start eating something? Is that how they take down antelope? Just start chewing their leg? Ahw it’s gone off. “I’ll tell you what lads,” they get together the snakes get together, “I tell you what we’re losing a lot of prey by just nibbling at their ankles, they’re running away. Let’s crush them to death first so they can’t move, then we can swallow them.” You’re a fool.

karl: So anyway right. I was telling him this bit of information because we started a feature last week. Well, week before.

ricky: Sorry, Karl! Can we just go back to the ‘crushing you to death’ first?

karl: Yeah but... Well I read it.

steve: He’s won there. He’s beaten you there Rick.

ricky: Okay. Did it say what to do if it starts ripping at your throat –

karl: Well I...

ricky: No no no, did it say what to do if – supposing it had this meeting, yeah, it had this meeting, it started crushing you and you woke up and it was actually around your chest. And every time you try to take a breath or breathed out a little bit it just tightened its grip, cos it can feel that. What do you do then?

karl: You err... you sort of tighten yourself up anyway cos I’ve read about that.

ricky: Oh...Yeah. Go on.

karl: If one does start wrapping around you, you sort of make yourself up into a ball, first of all, and it’ll wrap around you but it’s alright because you’re protecting your lungs. So it can’t crush you. And then you just sort of, shout for help. And you -

ricky: Oh. Shout for help with this 30ft snake – do you know how it works? It gets as tight as it can – it can feel it – actually as tight as it can right, with its huge, huge muscles, right? When you leave a bit of breath out, it tightens again.

karl: You wouldn’t be that out of breath, you haven’t been running anywhere. So you can just go –

ricky: Right and when do you get the new mouth full of oxygen?

karl: Just, just...breathe very slowly. Like you do...

ricky: How? Do you know what breathing is, do you know what breathing is? It’s extending your ribcage, intercostal muscles between the ribs, contract like that – OK, making the ribcage expand – which pulls air in through – it’s like a bellow. You can’t just breathe by – via the mind. It’s a physical process. It’s your ribcage pulling air –

karl: Well maybe I’m special but I can do little breaths without my ribcage mov-

ricky: Play a record Steve.

karl: No no no, but..

ricky: No. You can’t take little breaths without moving your ribcage.

karl: Well I can. Can I just give you the titles because we’re running out of time, we’ve got a competition to do.

steve: Okay, alright. Let’s just l eave the anaconda discussion –

karl: So forget that.

steve: Why don’t you just agree to disagree and we’ll see who survives if you crash land in the jungle.

karl: Right.. So..

ricky: What is this? What are you doing now?

karl: This is educating Ricky.

ricky: Oh, I’m going to look forward to this.

karl: Three topics that I teach you every week.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Now obviously I should just remind people you normally summarise each of these in a bullet-point headline thing, which you tease us with, so what have you reduced them to this week?

karl: Right we’ve got “Stocking, Aiken and Waterman”

steve: Stocking, Aiken and Waterman? Good.

karl: Yeah. What else have we got? We’ve also got err, what else is it? “It’s not his volt.”

steve: It’s not what?

karl: It’s not his volt.

steve: Okay.

karl: Yeah. And we’ve also got “Get a lobe of this”

steve: Get a lobe of this? Karl, they’re genius. Rick’ll be choosing one of these after New Order.

ricky: Foo Fighters and “All my life” on Xfm 104.9 I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: So... Just before we do Educating Ricky – this is where Karl thinks he can give me something of interest and teach me something to take away. Last week I found out that somewhere in a strange land people thought tomatoes were poisonous ‘cos they ate them with lead. Things like that. What was the other one you told me?

karl: What else was it last week? Worms? Cut ‘em in half...

ricky: Oh, I sent him a text message - I was on the train, a bit bored - and I read in – I think it was Metro – scientists have found out that worms get stressed. And they found out that fat ones didn’t live as long. And when they checked the thin ones that lived longer they found out they had a gene for de-stressing them. Karl, do you remember what you said?

karl: No.

ricky: You went “well that’s stupid innit.” He said, “Did these other ones die of natural causes?” I went, yeah, he went “Oh right. Because it could be that the fat ones couldn’t get off the pavement quick enough and got squashed.”

ricky: So maybe the scientists go “Yeah, we didn’t... come to think of it they were flat as well as fat.”

steve: I think the reason that the worms are getting stressed is cos people like Karl are cutting them in half to try and make two snakes

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Two worms. That’s the concern Karl.

ricky: He said they can’t even commit suicide if they’re stressed by cutting their throat. I also sent him what I thought was quite interesting – scientists have found that the elephant hasn’t got the best memory, the sea lion has, based on – they got a sea lion and got it back into the old laboratory 10 years after they’d taught it a simple trick, and it could still do the trick. What did you say to that Karl?

karl: I’d say... They don’t get up to much anyway. So if you do teach it something it is gonna remember it.

steve: Sure.

karl: ‘Cos it’s got nowt else to do. I mean I like sea lions they look nice and everything but what do they do?

steve: Sea lions?

karl: Yeah, what are they here for? It’s another jellyfish as far as I’m concerned. Like, it’s there and people know about them, but what do they do?

steve: Yeah. What does a cat do?

ricky: What do we do Karl? What do we do?

karl: A cat, first, Steve said, is good for your heart.

ricky: Why’s it all geared to what’s good for us?

karl: Well.

karl: Anyway.

karl and steve: Educating Ricky.

ricky: Good, we’ve settled that then. Go on.

karl: The titles that are meant to sort of pull you in – we’ve got, what was it –“Stocking, Aitken and Waterman.”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You’ve got “It’s not his volt.” And “Get a lobe of this.”

ricky: Get a lobe of this. Right, so which pun do I pick first? I think I’ll go for “get a lobe of this.”

karl: Get a lobe of this.

ricky: Yeah, get a lobe of this, yeah.

karl: Well that’s a story about a girl who – She was deaf, right, for 4 years. And – it happened quite a bit back this...

ricky: (Sighing) what year? Or was it... be specific, ages ago was it?

karl: About... yeah, quite a bit back. She was deaf for about 4 years. Having an argument with her mum it said which I didn’t quite understand, ‘Cos I don’t know how they’d do that. But she was having an argument. And her Mam pushed her against a wall, and she banged her head, and her hearing came back.

steve: Okay...

ricky: Was she wearing a walkman? And it fell out? And she realised, she went “Oh...”

karl: There’s no explanation.

ricky: There’s no explanation! Well why is that teaching me something then?!

karl: Right, so I knew you’d say this, right. So I thought right, I’ll stick something on it. Do you know that bees are deaf?

ricky: No! No...You can’t just... No! If you ask someone something they don’t know the answer to they don’t tell you something else! Just... “I’ll tell you something else then. I can’t answer that, I’ll tell you something else.” Imagine that! If you asked a teacher. “How do birds fly?” Well, if you’re going to do that... “Tallest building is...” I mean what?

karl: Well...

steve: That was the equivalent Karl of running away when we asked you a question.

ricky: (laughing) yeah. The intellectual equivalent of going “Look over there, there’s a monster!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Listen. What do you mean? She... ? Ok, so...There’s no explanation? There’s no explanation, or you don’t know?

karl: Well there isn’t one is there really it’s a bit weird.

steve: But the only thing...

ricky: What, did the doctors not look into it?

karl: No I think they just said “Oh, that’s good.”

steve: But so again I don’t .. Where did this information.. is that ..if you read this on the net?

ricky: Is that it?

steve: Is that all they put on the net?

ricky: There was once a deaf woman who hit her head and she could hear?

steve: And her hearing came back?

karl: It was bizarre things about being deaf.

ricky: Oh yeah. I’ve got that book, yeah. It’s a good book that.

steve: Was there 3 more pages you just couldn’t be bothered to read on?

karl: No no. It was just a little bit. And it said –

ricky: Was there a little picture, cartoon picture?

karl: Nope. No, pictures I just read it.

ricky: Of her going “Ow. Ow I can hear”

karl: If you don’t want to learn...

ricky: Ok, ok. It’s not his volt. Let me have “It’s not his volt.” You gotta save this. This has got to teach me something and be an interesting story.

karl: Right, it’s not his volt. This fella...

ricky: What year? Ages ago?

steve: Olden times?

karl: I’d say in the ‘70s.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Would you?

ricky: Any evidence for that?

steve: Does he wear flares in the story? Is that your reason?

karl: No, it’s a bit like Uri Gellar this fella right, where...

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: He’s electric.

steve: He’s electric.

karl: And if he walks past a telly the telly would fizz.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: If it walks past a radio it all goes like that. His hair stuck up all the time. And he’d be having a bath, and everything would be alright, and then the power would sort of switch on in his body and the electric in his body made him jump out of the bath.

karl: So...

ricky: What do you mean “so”? What is that “so”? What does that “so” mean? You’ve given us nothing. You’ve given us nothing.

steve: You’d have to at least give us the scientific explanation.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Electric eels have 400 volts. In ‘em.

ricky: Is this the running away again?

steve: (laughing) What was that one called?

ricky: Yeah but they – but theres -

karl: “It’s not his volt.”

ricky: There’s a reason they... “It’s not his volt.” I thought it was going to be something about keeping it in a safe.

steve: I think we should do these the other way round. You should tell us the story and then we’ll hear the pun.

ricky: (laughing) It’s not his volt. It’s not his volt!

karl: Right let’s leave it.

steve: Play a tune.

karl: Forget it.

steve: “Educating Ricky.”

karl: Bin it. We’re not doing it.

ricky: No, we are!

ricky: What? Don't look at me like that.

steve: Oh, Karl are you in a bad mood?

karl: No, I'm alright.

ricky: Coral - "Dreaming of You"

ricky: Karl, do the last one, do the last one, Karl's saying we're never doing this again because we don't appreciate it. Karl, you don't know how good this feature is mate.

karl: Right, last one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Stocking, Aitken and Waterman.

ricky: Go on then, tell me about that, what am I gonna learn from this?

karl: Right, well do you know the saying "put a sock in it"?

ricky: I like it already.

karl: Do you know the saying?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, well do you know where it comes from?

ricky: I assume it's "shut up" so I'll stuff your mouth with a sock to shut you up.

karl: Well.. years ago.

ricky: Yeah - Sorry am I right?

karl: Mmm.. No, not really. Ages ago..

steve: 1970s?

karl: Uh.. 50s I'd say

steve: Ok.

ricky: "I'd say"

karl: Do you know the old grammar phone, with the big horn on it?

ricky and steve: Yep.

karl: Right, well those stereo's didn't have a volume control on 'em... right? So they'd be listening-

ricky: Oh, so you'd put a sock in the.. mute?

karl: You'd put a sock in-

ricky: That's a real one you see, that's taught me something. That's.. that's good.. that's excellent Karl, that is the only one that counts - like chewing the fat if they're true - I'm assuming they are - it works, it's of interest - I haven't got it verified yet; but that is 'Educating Ricky'- that's brilliant. I will say the other two were more entertaining, so you know I dont rea-

steve: Do you understand the distinction between that one and 'electrical man'?

ricky: ..Or I've hit my head and I can hear ya mum.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Can you see the difference though?

karl: Uh.. not really, because when I read all three - I took something away from all of them.

ricky and steve: What did you take away from the electrical man?

karl: I just thought oh.. imagine that - imagine how annoying that would be.

steve: But that's - that's not education.

ricky: ..And it's not taking anything away.

karl: But think about it right, we take our lives for granted all the time, don't ya? ya get up in the morning it's like - oh - I'll get up and walk for a shower - some people can't walk, right?

ricky and steve: Yeah..

karl: This guy he can't even have a- you know what I mean? It's nice to have a bath innit - when you've got times on your hands and you can relax.

steve: Yeah.

karl: This guy can't even do that, it might be alright for a bit - but he's not really enjoying it because at any moment - it could strike.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, he can't even do that. He can't comb his hair because it keeps going a mess.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Nor can you.

steve: Does he fight crime? What does he do with his powers?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I think he just has to sit around, because he can't work with machinery - because he'll probably blow a fuse.

steve: Right.

steve: He just sits 'round.

karl: What can he do? What normal things can he do?

ricky: Skateboarding.

steve: Going for long walks.

karl: Hm.. yeah..

ricky: Put a wetsuit on.

karl: Well he couldn't do that.

ricky: Why?

karl: Phew.. water and electric?

steve: No, no - wetsuits aren't actually wet.

steve: They're dry initially.

ricky: Just put a whole wetsuit on and walk round in flippers and a rubber sole.

steve: A wetsuit's not like a dinner jacket that's like really wet.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well.. all I'm saying is think. Do y'know what I mean?

ricky: Oh ok.

steve: And what was the other one again?

ricky: And what was it with the girl deaf for four years - hits her head?

karl: Yep. That's just uh..

steve: What've you learnt from that?

ricky: What is that?

karl: Well imagine.. imagine how happy you'd be-

karl: Remember that time when I nearly died when I choked on a Mr. Freeze pop.

karl: Right?

ricky: No - tell us that one again.

karl: No, I told you didn't I?

ricky: Tell us again.

karl: Yeah but the people will remember it and then it's-

ricky: They won't, they weren't listening - go on, what happened?

karl: It was ages ago, when my mom and dad used to go out shopping on a Friday. Go out to get the food in-

steve: 1970s?

karl: Get a week's load of food in the cupboard an' that and we'd uh.. y'know they'd come in with all the food and we'd all be like "Oh god" y'know there's no food left on a Thursday really so we'd all be hungry on the Friday by the time the food got in.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: I love that that they wouldn't eat an- it's li- I imagine 'em like Jackel puppies- just like "eargh eargh eargh" - licking ya parents mouth for food when they come through the door.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, they come in from the supermarket, they're emptyin' the box, our kid had got some biscuits an' what have you. I had a-

ricky: giggles - a frenzy, just a feeding frenzy, like pigeons.

karl: I grabbed the Mr. Freeze pop - and knocked it back really quick but it hadn't- it wasnt frozen. So I knocked it back an' it was like a liquid and it went down the wrong way, right? and I was choking, right? and I nearly died - it must've been 'bout - how long can ya go before ya die?

ricky: Couple of minutes would do it.

karl: Right, I reckon about a minute fifty.

karl: Right, I was really close to dieing.

steve: How did you know you were close to dieing?

karl: Me.. me..

steve: Did your life flash before you?

karl: No but I was just like..

ricky: There was loads of instances of him eating pops - forty of those.

karl: Whatever, right anyway-

steve: What do you think you'd see if your life flashed passed you? Which elements would stand for you, do you think?

ricky: Wh-what, start now- go back. Scheeeeow. What d'ya remember, what's the first thing you remember?

karl: Uh.. As a kid?

ricky: Yeah, just anything.. Now.

karl: Being in a hall and having our dog licking me face.

steve: That's your earliest memory?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right. Scheeeow. What's the next one?

ricky: I'm gonna die - What?

karl: Right next one's probably being at primary school with uh- Lindsay.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Was that your girlfriend?

karl: Well a little friend who was a girl.

steve: Sure.

karl: Uh.. and we used to have like tins wi-with letters in and you would have to write stuff. But anyway what are we doing?

ricky: He got confused!

karl: So anyway-

steve: I'm intrigued by the dog that was licking your face.

karl: We'll bin that.

ricky: Wh- We won't bin that.

steve: No it's a great feature.

karl: Rockbusters.

steve: I just think you need to be a little more careful about what you consider to be education.

ricky: Oh, the mic's gone funny- fell over.

karl: Alright, alright well-

steve: We'll work on it next week, play a tune- and what have you got for us? Have you got a big competition?

karl: We can do the competiton, we've only got 25 mintues though.

ricky: Come on quick then! Play a tune!

steve: Play a tune and come back with Rockbusters.

ricky: What we playing?

steve: Let's play a bit of uh- Tupac.

ricky: Oh this's what I'm coming out to innit in the fight.

steve: Yeah exactly.

karl: Yeah?

steve: Imagine it.

ricky: Whack it up, whack it up.

steve: Tupac. ‘California Love’.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And that’s the big tune that Ricky will be coming out to when he has his celebrity boxing match.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We’re all looking forward to that, Rick.

ricky: Yep, yep, yep.

steve: Competition time Karl?

ricky: Oh! Karl’s looking forward to this, he’s just getting all stressed about his half-hour like he, like it – oh go on.

karl: It’s just, ah, we should have done this a lot earlier.

ricky: Why?

karl: Because it keeps them hooked in.

karl: Right. If you haven’t heard the game before, I give you some initials, bit of a cryptic clue, and those initials and the cryptic clue make up some band, not – might not be an XFM band, but it’s a band or pop group or an artist or something.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Er, it’s on e-mail...

ricky: What’s the feature called though, what’s the feature called?

karl: It’s called Rockbusters.

ricky: Rockbusters, yeah?

steve: Absolutely.

karl: Do you wanna, er…will we do this on e-mail?

steve: I think we ought to ‘cos you don’t like taking calls from the public do you.

ricky: Well he can’t work the machine.

steve: No, that’s absolutely right.

karl: It’s not that, it’s just that, that, then, it’s pretty fair for everyone com -

ricky: Everyone who’s got a computer you mean. So it’s open to anyone who’s got, y’know, a computer or laptop at their disposal at this precise moment.

steve: Anyway. There’s some cracking prizes, Rick, you’ll be pleased to know that obviously, once again, Karl has, ah, manged to collect together an arbitrary assortment of giveaway stuff.

ricky: Just looking round, looking around the office?

steve: I mean where did you get these from? Did you just, did you, wh – I mean seriously where did you get them from because it’s such an arbitrary collection.

karl: Right, we’ve we got there.

steve: I don’t know what kind of a person would want these items.

karl: Right.

ricky: Go on.

steve: It’s such an arbitrary collection I don’t know what kind of person you’d be.

karl: Read ‘em out, what’ve we got.

steve: Well, er, there’s another XFM compilation which you’ve obviously nicked from somewhere in the office. Fair enough.

karl: Yeah, it’s a good compilation ‘Remix 2’ album.

steve: We’ve got an album here which is a promo album with two pigs on the front, I think it’s the ‘Smashing Pumpkins Live’....

ricky: French and Saunders?

steve: I can’t be certain.

karl: Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep.

steve: Erm, this is the album, didn’t we give this away last week?

karl: Well yeah.

steve: This is just an arbitrary compilation album, again, one of those kind of, uh…

ricky: Is that the actual one you didn’t send, Karl?

karl: No, no...I got a job lot of them.

steve: Surprise surprise, ‘The Office’ on DVD, erm, which is ludicrous…

steve: …and then…

ricky: Oh I’ve seen it from here! What film if you – right, listen, listen. Ah, dear, dear XFM listener. It’s half-two, y’know, it’s a bit windy out, you’re…

steve: Probably gonna stay in this evening?

ricky: …maybe do a bit of shopping you gotta and then, gonna stay in this evening, oh, what film would you really want – no, no, seriously, think; if you could see ONE film, right, what would you want to see?

karl: DVD. DVD.

ricky: DVD.

steve: One of the BIG releases.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, it’s great. Put them out of their misery, Steve, they’ll be watching this tonight if they’re a lucky winner.

steve: It’s the movie ‘Stigmata’.

steve: ‘Stigmata’ with Patricia Arquette and Gabriel Byrne. Erm, so, look forward to that…

ricky: That’s great.

steve: …that’s the big win you’re playing for this week.

ricky: That is brilliant. Oh look at Karl’s face, he’s actually offended because he’s the only one who puts any effort into this show and he’s got competitions, he’s got ‘Educating Ricky’, Rockbuster, he’s got…

karl: Got ‘Song With A Story’ coming up.

ricky: …he’s got ‘Song With A Story’ to come that he’s, like, trying, ohh, gone through, it’s unbelievable.

karl: And, yeah. Alright.

steve: Yeah, yeah, so you’re playing for that collection of arbitrary goodies PLUS the big prize this week ‘Stigmata’ featuring Gabriel Byrne...

karl: Right.

ricky: Oh dear, go on then.

steve: …about a woman I think, um, starts bleeding from the hands.

karl: S’ok.

steve: It’s a horror film I think. You have to be 18 or over to play.

ricky: I’ve seen it, it’s not, it’s not terrible.

steve: Sure.

ricky: It’s alright, but it’s...

steve: Is it better than ‘Children Of The Corn’ which was the big giveaway last week?

ricky: I haven’t seen ‘Children Of The Corn’. Go on then.

karl: Right, so, er…

steve: Next week; ‘Teen Wolf Too’.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Here’s the, er…

ricky: And Tony Banks’ own solo album ‘Bankstatement’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Tony Banks remember is the, er, musician from the much loved Genesis, but we’ve got that album to give away.

karl: Alright then, so, er…right…

steve: To win those exclusive prizes...

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

ricky: Go on.

karl: …you’ve got to e-mail in [email protected]

steve: I saw a sellotape dispenser out in the…

ricky: There’s a pair of gloves that, I don’t know whose they are, but they’re out there and they’ve been there for a week, so…pair of gloves, a sellotape dispenser er, and Tony Banks’ solo album ‘Bankstatement’.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Ok, go on.

karl: Right, first one.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Initials JT, alright?

steve: Initials JT, what’s the cryptic clue?

karl: Cryptic clue; ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs’.

ricky: Hold one.

karl: Yeah?

steve: JT, and what’s the clue again?

karl: ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs’.

steve: Full of logs?

karl: Yep.

steve: Ok.

karl: So, er, who could it be? JT. ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs.’

ricky: Yeah, go on, next one.

karl: Second one, there’s three of ‘em you gotta get. Letter is W…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …er, the clue; ‘That lad’s got bad asthma.’

steve: That lad has got bas asthma.

ricky: I’ve got that one already. I’ve got that one already.

karl: Yep. W.

ricky: Yep, ok.

karl: And finally, the last one is the letter C...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and, er, the cryptic clue is…

ricky: …is; ‘Karl is one of these.’

karl: …erm, ‘Mouse Trap’ is that musical isn’t it? This isn’t a clue by the way. It is called ‘Mouse Trap’ isn’t it?

steve: There’s not a musical called ‘Mouse Trap’, but it’s a play.

ricky: It’s not a musical, but it’s a…it’s a…who-dunnit sort of thing, yeah.

karl: Is it? Alright, alright, yeah, yeah that’s fine. Erm, right here’s the clue…’I saw that, er…’

steve: Imagine that...

steve: …imagine that on the real ‘Blockbusters’.

ricky: Yeah! Bob Holness going “Oh, can we stop a minute? Oi, um, you with the nine teddy bears there. ‘Mouse Trap’, that’s a show inn’it in London, ain’t it?” “I think so Bob, yeah.” “Right, ok. Here we go. Carry on.”

steve: ”Cameras back on!”

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: So the letter is C…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and the cryptic clue; ‘I saw that ‘Mouse Trap’ the other night, er, but the ‘eating in the, in the theatre was knackered.”

ricky: What? What?

karl: The heating. The heating in the theatre was knackered, right. Ruined it.

ricky: Well…got that one already as well.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: I mean these are…the first one’s hard, but the second, those two are ridiculous.

karl: So…

steve: Just a quick reminder, JT was the first one.

karl: ’At the moment I’m a river, er, full of logs.’

steve: Full of logs.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok.

karl: Er, second one, W. ‘That lad’s got bad asthma.’

steve: Uh-hu.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the last one is, er, C. ‘I saw that ‘Mouse Trap’ the other night but the, ah, heating in the theatre was knackered…’

steve: Sure.

karl: ’…and it ruined the whole thing.’

steve: Ok And, er, [email protected] is the e-mail address. You could win, erm, various treats including ‘Stigmata’ with Gabriel Byrne.

ricky: I’m confused with the river full of logs actually. I’m in a river…I’m in a river full of logs…?

karl: Yeah. Well we’ll do it in about 20 minutes. They’ve got 20 minutes to get them in.

steve: Yeah, you’ve gotta stay tuned for the answers.

karl: It’s not the quickest so don’t go rushing and, sort of, messing it up. Think about it, and it’s random e-mail anyway so there’s no rush alright?

steve: And, er, if you want to e-mail, um, you’re welcome to say please do not send me the prizes even if I win. You’re welcome to put that if you don’t want that junk in your house.

ricky: Right. The reason we’re, y’know, we usually sort play a record out of an ad break don’t we.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Karl is so concerned with his little competition he hasn’t got a record ready.

steve: Sure.

karl: Got one. Got one. I got one. I’ve got one.

ricky: Ok.

steve: Sorted are you?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Do you wanna do a quick re-clap, er, re-q..re-c…

karl: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah...

steve: …qu-quick recap oh, I can’t be bothered even to say it.

steve: I’m really not, I’m not interested.

karl: Recap, the recap...

ricky: Yeah go on, quick.

karl: Still send your e-mails in, er JT – it’s some initials of a band just in case you didn’t hear it last week. If I said AK and ‘an exploding pet’ that would be Atomic Kitten.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Right.

ricky: They know what a clue is.

karl: So JT; ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs.’ W; ‘That lad’s got bad asthma’…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …and C, er, ‘I saw that ‘Mouse Trap’ the other night, the heating wasn’t working, it ruined the night’, and, er, yeah, that’s it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: [email protected]

ricky: Yep.

karl: Win some stuff.

steve: ’Stigmata’!

steve: With Gabriel Byrne!

ricky: Richard Ashcroft. ’Check The Meaning’. I love that. It’s brilliant. On XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington who’s our producer, a proper producer now…

steve: Our producer!

ricky: No but he’s getting, but he’s more like it now, inn’it. Before he was someone who pressed the buttons, then he was someone who pressed the buttons who we just made talk like a…performing monkey.

steve: I hear he’s going to be lured away by the ‘Today’ programme on Radio 4.

steve: ’Cos they, haven’t they’ve lost their news editor I think.

karl: ’Educating Ricky’ – quite topical.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: It is, inn’it, yeah. Well…

steve: Is it?

ricky: …when you say topical…

steve: What do you mean topical?

ricky: …this, this is, er, wh – topical. This happened ages ago. Your words, not mine.

karl: Have they got a Ricky who works there?

ricky: We can look into that. So, Karl’s set a competition…

steve: Um…so listen…biz prizes to give away, they’ve got to be given away, Rick.

ricky: This is Rockbuster.

steve: We’ve got, er, obviously the big prize ‘Stigmata’ this week.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Um, I’m not going to give the prize to, ah, to Ira. I think it’s Eera, or Ira, but she…she or he e-mailed in the right answers and then said “If you could include the receipt for ‘Stigmata’ that would be much appreciated.”

ricky: Er….

steve: But I’m amazed at the number of responses we’ve had.

ricky: And someone wants a copy of Tony Banks’ solo album which I was mucking around, so we better buy that in the week to give away ‘cos I think that’d be an amazing prize to give away. Right…

steve: If you just give the clues again – give the clues again, and I’ll tell you what they are.

ricky: …just do the clues then give the answer. Come on.

karl: Right…right, well, the one that everyone was struggling with was the first one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I’ll save that, so we’ll go to the second one. W...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …’That lad’s got bad asthma.’

ricky: Yeah. We know that.

karl: That was Wheezer.

ricky: Yep. Good one, well done.

karl: Yeah? Er, the last one, er, C. The clue was ‘I saw that ‘Mouse Trap’ the other day, er, the heating was knackered in the restaurant…’

ricky: Yeah.

steve: In the restaurant?

karl: ’…in the theatre,’…’

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ’…and it ruined the night.’

ricky: Yep, so it was a cold play wasn’t it.

karl: Yeah that’s it. Coldplay.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, er, JT, er, ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs,’...

ricky: Now I can’t think of this one.

karl: ‘At the moment I’m in a river full of logs.’

steve: Well I have to say there were some wrong answers, I…what was it again?

karl: It was ‘Just in timber lake’.

steve: Justin Timberlake. Ah, we had some wrong answers that included Jethro Tull and James Taylor.

steve: I don’t know how that relates to it at all.

ricky: I’m annoyed at lake, when he clearly said river.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean that’s the first thing that cropped up Not ‘I’m in some water full of logs,’ ‘At the moment…’ yeah, ‘I’m in some water full of logs,’ but he actually had to say river, so not lake. That annoys me. I mean I didn’t get it, fair enough, I should have worked it out. I should have tried to think like you.

karl: Lot of people did get it.

ricky: A lot of people obviously think like you which is, which I’m, y’know, worried about. But yeah…James Taylor! That is great!

steve: But that’s just someone…just someone guessing.

ricky: JT “James Taylor?” “Yep! Yeah. James Taylor works,”

karl: So have we got a winner Steve, or are you just gonna randomly pick one.

steve: Er, I did, I did have a winner, I’ve just, erm, I‘ve just lost them.

ricky: Ohh.

steve: Needless to say that lucky person…

ricky: Won’t be watching ‘Stigmata’ tonight.

steve: Er…

ricky: Just randomly – it’s a draw by the way it’s not the first.

karl: Just random.

steve: Random is it? I’ll just, I’ll just…

ricky: I said to Karl in the break, I said “Is it the first one in?” He went “No. I don’t want a competition that relies on speed because I don’t want to be rushed.

steve: Ok, er…

ricky: So randomly click on someone.

steve: I’m just going to randomly click on one…

ricky: Go on.

steve: Ah…they’ve not, they’ve not put an address!

ricky: Aww.

karl: Well what we can do is e-mail back and say “Send us your address.”

ricky: ’Course you can.

steve: Well, I think if you haven’t put an address…

ricky: Well no, te - te - sque – read it out.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok, hang on, alright alright…Chris Beaumont.

karl: He’s the winner.

steve: Lucky Chris Beaumont has won.

ricky: Chris Beaumont will be watching ‘Stigmata’ tonight with a tub of Haagen-Daaz if I’m not much mistaken.

karl: So, so we…

ricky: He’ll be loving it.

steve: Well done to Chris.

karl: Need his address.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right then…

ricky: Right, that’s the end of that competition.

karl: Right…

ricky: Can we play a record or something…?

karl: Well, we’re on to another feature.

ricky: Oh g…what is this?

karl: This one is…

steve: Rick, were you not at the planning meeting?

ricky: What is this? Go on.

karl: This is, er, ‘That song’s got a good story,”

ricky: Oh, is this that? Oh…god.

karl: Right. The rule is that it’s songs we play on the show every week, and there’s a lot of music out that they just keep saying the same thing over and over…

ricky: Oh, just tell – what is it? What’s the song with a story this week?

karl: …it’s a song with a good story to it…

ricky: What’s the song with a story this week; just say it.

karl: It’s Gene Pitney; ’24 Hours from Tulsa’.

ricky: Oh I’m really sorry about this, if you’re an XFM listener, we got to listen to this. Go on.

karl: Well, do you know what it’s about?

ricky: Yeahhhh isn’t he getting, trying to get back to his girlfriend?

karl: Yeah. He’s been working away. Erm,...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …lives in Tulsa, but he, he works quite far away…

ricky: Right.

karl: …and he’s come back.

ricky: Will this have to safe us listening to the song?

karl: Well it’s always good to sort of…

ricky: Hear the story before you hear the story.

karl: It’s like…it’s like…y’know…

ricky: Sure. I like this before a film. Yeah, go on, go on.

karl: …no, you might read the book before you see the film type thing.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So....

ricky: Never in my case.

karl: …he’s, he’s working miles away, his missus is in Tulsa, he’s driving back…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …and he can’t wait, he’s…

ricky: He’s only about 24 hours away as I remember?

karl: He’s about 24 hours away, and he, er, little bit tired on the way home, he’s thinking “Oh I don’t want to look a mess for when me missus sees ya, sees me,” so he says “Right I’ll, er, stay at a motel, get some energy and that, y’know, for when I see her, have a shave…”

ricky: Nutrigrain bar.

karl: So he pulls over at a motel…

ricky: Yep.

karl: …and he’s locking his car up, getting his suitcase out the back, there’s a woman in the car park, he’s like “Ooh, she’s alright,” she looks at him, he thinks…

ricky: This is XFM 104.9.

steve: I don’t think the suitcase in the boot is mentioned in the song. I think, that’s maybe a 12inch mix or something, I’ve not heard that.

karl: Well basically, right, to tell the whole story…

steve: And I don’t remember in the record...

ricky: OH, PLAY THE RECORD FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! Let THEM listen to it!

steve: I don’t remember him saying “Cor, she looks alright,” in the record?

ricky: Yeah. ’24hrs From Tulsa’. Gene Pitney. Song with a story.

karl: Mm.

steve: You are quite upset by the lyrics of that song aren’t you.

karl: I just think it’s a bit annoying that, erm, right, he loved this woman...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …erm, everything’s going fine. He’s only 24 hours away from home, I don’t know how, what sort of distance he’s done, but…

karl: …he can’t wait to get home and all it took was some woman in a car park to sort of…

steve: Give him the eye.

karl: …give him the eye, and, everything, all the, all the, like, good times he’s had with his missus goes out the window. And, er, I dunno.

steve: That’s the dangers of falling in love with a prostitute.

steve: You see?

ricky: Oh Karl.

steve: What I like about it though is the fact he’s writing this to his ex-girlfriend!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Talk about rubbing it in!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ”I was kissing her and getting off with her, we were having a wild time. I was going mental on her!”

ricky: Didn’t – didn’t take a long as Karl to explain it though, yeah.

karl: But did you hear the very end?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ’Cos he’s the loser ‘cos he said he can never go home again.

ricky & steve: Yeah.

karl: So even though he’s got this new girlfriend and that…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …he can’t see his old mates anymore.

steve: He has fallen in love with hasn’t he.

ricky: Can’t see his old mates anymore he said! Can’t see his old mates anymore! I tell ya, I tell ya…

steve: Yeah. It’s a sobering lesson though because, next time you stop at the Granada services on the way back from, y’know, Swansea, be careful.

ricky: I tell ya, there was a song a bit like that by Jim Reeves, erm, probably out about the same time, a little bit before, right? It was just called, um “Just A 100 Miles From Mary-Anne”, right, and it was him and his horse going through the snow…

steve: Right, right. He stopped at a Little Chef?

ricky: N-no…yeah, passes another donkey – no, but, um, it’s really sad and used to make me cry when I was little ‘cos he’s got there, right, and he would leave Old Ben, the horse, and then, he dies in the snow and so he dies in the snow…

steve: He’s gone again, you’ve gone again. No, I get the same way, teary-eyed, with ‘Two Little Boys’.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Nah, don’t like that.

ricky: Why not?

karl: S’just…

ricky: ”You’d think I would leave you dying when there’s room on this horse for two. Climb up here Jack, we’ll soon be flying back to the ranks so blue.” It was just like when they were playing with the little horses head when they were little and he was a soldier and he helped him, and he returned the favour in a war which to me is a bigger favour than just letting him have a go on a hobby horse but, ah, lot, lot braver if you’re, y’know, erm, but er, yeah. Last number one of the ‘60s as well. Christmas 1969.

steve: Yeah, and it’s of course based on truth. That is actually, that’s a history lesson right there. It is based on fact.

ricky: It is.

steve: It is, it was a famous person, I think it was Winston Churchill.

ricky: Cromwell.

steve: And Cromwell.

ricky: Yeah, it was Winston Churchill and Oliver Cromwell.

steve: Cromwell and Winston Churchill.

ricky: Yeah they both lived ages ago so they lived at the same time. LITERALLY ages ago so they lived at the same time.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well that’s it then.

ricky: Is it?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Were you listening to anything we were saying then Karl? Did you understand any of that, that me and Steve was chatting about then?

karl: Saying that Rolf Harris, er, did a good song about someone he’s got to carry on a horse.

ricky: Right, and what – what about the stuff about Cromwell and Winston Churchill? What d’you think that was about.

karl: Ah, I missed that.

ricky: We were doing humour, we were doing a little bit of humour. It was a satire on you saying age is not being specific, and did – did you like that stuff we do?

karl: Yeah. That’s it then.

ricky: Just like a cat looking at a window at a dead mouse or something. He can’t – you can go “Come here!” and it’s just looking at the mouse it could eat. You – you wanna press the buttons and finish don’t ya.

karl: Yep.

ricky: What you gonna do, play a record or…

karl: No, that’s it. It’s ads and that’s it.

ricky: Ok! Goodbye.

steve: Great. Well, what a wonderful ending!

steve: The day we went out with a bang.