XFM Vault - S02E17 Transcript

ricky: Eminem, Lose Yourself on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, but not Karl Pilkington.

steve: No, Karl, no.

ricky: He's gone back to 'Manchester Innit'. 'It's better than London. You don't know it! You don't know it! Manchester's better than London.' Instead Claire Sturgess.

steve: Claire Sturgess, round of applause for Clare, yeah.

claire: Thanks, yeah, thanks.

steve: She's come in in the sort of camoflauge gear ... is that quite trendy? Is that what the kids are wearing?

claire: D'you know, it's funny, someone actually mentioned to me ...

ricky: Or are are on maneuvers?

claire: I am actually, yeah, taking time out this morning from what I normally do.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I missed the ... erm ... second half, talking about that, of Celebrity Boot Camp.

steve: I don't know what that is.

ricky: Coolio ... the fella from Milli Vanilli.

steve: What, the one that's not dead?

claire: Eh?

ricky: No, the one that killed himself Steve.

steve: Sure.

steve: I just wanted to clarify for people, a lot of people don't realise that one of them is dead. I thought it was important to mention it.

claire: Actually, d'ya know, I didn't know.

ricky: No ...

steve: It was a piece of interesting Milli Vanilli trivia that I had and I wanted to slip it in.

ricky: It isn't really trivia, because it was a question ... you went 'what, the one who's not dead?'

steve: What I'm saying is that I could have found a more tactful way of bringing up the death of one of Milli Vanilli, because I think there's a lot of people out there who are now upset.

ricky: Actually, yeah, people who didn't know ...

steve: That's quite a shock, I didn't ... I should've sat people down.

ricky: Who died? Vanilli or Milli?

steve: I think it was ... it was Milli.

claire: No it's Vanilli.

steve: I don't know ...

claire: No but I didn't know ... I'm guessing, actually I'm guessing.

steve: I'm not confusing Milli Vanilli and Scritti Polliti am I?

steve: Because that is a danger.

ricky: You're thinking of the fella out of Grumple Palumple.

ricky: He was amazing.

steve: He was amazing, it's a great shame that he topped himself.

ricky: Yeah, Grumple Palumple ... they're not with us.

ricky: Anyway, erm, cor, we've got some great tunes lined up. We're gonna play, today, erm, our favourite singles of the year.

steve: Well, it's favourite tunes, some of which didn't quite make it as singles maybe, but tunes of the year cos obviously christmas is very soon, and we'll be away for a short time.

ricky: I think next week we'll be doing our favourite christmas songs of all time.

steve: Yeah I'm worried that we're not gonna fill two hours with that, I mean how many times can you play Shakin Stevens before ...

ricky: And 'Fairytale of New York'.

steve: Yeah exactly, that's the only one isn't it really.

ricky: That's the best one, that's the best Christmas song.

steve: That one's good, but obviously there's Joni Mitchell's 'The River', that starts with a kinda Christmassy feel.

ricky: Beautiful, beautiful.

steve: I'm wondering if there's anything else ... not a great deal.

claire: The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping.

ricky: Is that one?

steve: Is that brilliant? Is that good?

ricky: Er ... 'So This is Christmas', John Lennon. Paul McCartney came out with 'Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time'.

steve: Yeah, but John's was 'Happy Christmas War is Over'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Of course, it wasn't.

ricky: Eh, but I mean, at least he wanted it to be.

steve: Yeah, at least he's dreaming of it, dreaming of it, bless 'im.

ricky: And to show ...

steve: John Lennon's dead as well, I don't know anyone's aware of that as well, just another bit of rock and roll trivia.

ricky: I like John's protest against war, he stayed in bed for a week. I've been doing that, I've been protesting against war for ages. I'm eating hamburgers against war.

steve: Yeah ...

ricky: I went into Burger King on the way here, I went up to the counter ...

steve: Let's not ... that's not product placement there. There's a number of other burger joints that people may wish to go to

ricky: I often go to McDonalds. I often go to McDonalds.

ricky: Erm ... but I went into Burger King, 'cos it's close, and I went in there ...

steve: It's convinient, but often

steve: McDonald's would be convenient.

ricky: McDonald's is just convenient, depends where you are.

steve: Just as convenient, depending where you are.

ricky: Um, and I said err, I said can I have a cheeseburger and small fries. Takeaway please. And he recognised me, he went, "Oh I've seen you on telly. There's your meal sir". I went, "Thanks". He went, he winked and went, "I put large fries in".

steve: Brilliant!

ricky: So it's paying off. At last true genius is being rewarded.

steve: But I'm just intrigued to know, because there's been a couple of times where I've been with you and you know we've gone in a restaurant and

steve: Someone's given you a free meal or whatever. It's the way that it's like you don't ask for it, it's just kind of offered. But I don't know what they're expecting in return.

ricky: Nothing!

steve: I mean do they think that you'll go away and you'll always think fondly of Chad who works in Burger King?

ricky: No! No, I just think they think ooh I dunno.

steve: I'm gonna give him a little treat.

ricky: Yeah. I know, I don't like it but then I'm always grateful and I never... But the thing is I'm slightly embarrassed.

steve: Did anyone around you hear what had happened?

ricky: No.

steve: Because I imagine their resentment, just the whole room turning on you.

ricky: No they didn't, I had to go round telling them! I went up and said, "Excuse me,

ricky: Did you hear that? He just gave me the free thing because I'm on the telly". And they went, "I don't recognise you". I went, "You don't recognise me?.

steve: I'm terrified now that someone could be listening at Burger King HQ. You know, I'm assuming this is an unorthodox procedure.

claire: Oh, and he could get in trouble!

ricky: And that little fella got fired.

steve: They know it's Leicester Square now because I just mentioned it. So they know which Burger King it is.

ricky: Oh my God. I don't know...

steve: What was his name?

ricky: Ralph Littleton. He had a name badge. Number 342.

steve: Well I just hope Littleton doesn't get in trouble.

ricky: So, uh, what we gonna play first?

steve: That could be a sad Christmas

steve: For him. He's probably keeping his whole family afloat.

ricky: Um, bit of Springsteen.

steve: Well, tunes of the year. I mean I know people dismiss Springsteen but as I say the gig I went to see earlier in the year, I made it in the end, it was quite brilliant.

ricky: Sturgess couldn't believe we were going to play Springsteen. She was...

steve: I just think, you know, leave aside what you think is cool and trendy and the fact that he's older now.

claire: Really? Really?

steve: Just leave all that behind.

claire: Yeah?

steve: And just listen to the tunes. Because, you know, he remains a great musician.

ricky: 'Lonesome Day'?

steve: 'Lonesome Day', it's the current single and it's the first track on the album.

ricky: Free. Free chips.

ricky: That's brilliant.

steve: The boss.

ricky: Do we care if it's trendy?

steve: I don't care.

ricky: We're like Huey Lewis, it's hip to be square Steve.

steve: It's... That's... It's tr... We should play some Huey.

ricky: We can't, can we?

claire: No, no.

steve: Oh, come on. 'The Power Of Love'?

claire: No!

steve: Is a curious thing.

ricky: Yeah yeah. Makes one man weep and another man sing. Weird init.

steve: It's bizarre isn't it, it's strange.

ricky: Aww flippin' heck.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Springsteen there.

steve: Yeah, no, obviously he's playing again next year, sometime.

ricky: I bet even trendy people thought, "Well yeah, it's alright yeah". I bet they wanted to rock... I bet they wanted to drive along a freeway.

steve: I think you've gotta be hard

steve: Pushed to turn over the channel if you're driving and that's playing. Who wouldn't want to be driving a car while that's playing? Down an open freeway.

ricky: We are sounding... I know there's a little bit of irony in it but we are sounding like Doctor Fox. Did you see?! Did. You. See. The final of, um, 'Fame Academy'?

steve: Now I don't watch 'Fame Academy'. I don't, I'm...

ricky: Foxy got in there, he was in the audience.

steve: Really?!

claire: No!

steve: How did Foxy get in...

ricky: It's not enough being on 'Pop Idol', he's in there! And, do you know who was sitting next to him?

steve: Next to Foxy.

ricky: In disguise.

steve: In disguise?

ricky: In disguise. He had a little, a

ricky: Little beard and a woolly hat on. Looked like 'Badly Drawn Boy'. Mackenzie Crook.

steve: Really?

ricky: And we had to, we taped it...

claire: No.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. And I went, "It is". We taped it and he was there. So he's back from America and he...

steve: Was it obviously a felt false beard?

ricky: No, no, I think he's...

steve: Has he befriended Foxy?

ricky: I don't know!

steve: Are they hanging out together now?

ricky: We're going to see him tonight. We're going to see him tonight.

claire: What was he doing in the States then? What was he doing?

ricky: He's doing films.

steve: He probably is wearing a beard. He plays... We can't say too much about it... He's playing a pirate I think.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

claire: Ooh he'd make a good pirate.

steve: Yeah, exactly. So far he's been cast as a pirate and a ghost. Which seems to make sense.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: I'll be pumping him for information about Foxy because, you know, I'm a big fan of Foxy as you know.

ricky: I know.

steve: Both a DJ and a medical man .

ricky: I like the, I like the way that you got pumping and Foxy in the same sentence.

steve: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

ricky: I'd love to-

claire: Did you just say you're going to see him tonight? Is it the comedy awards tonight?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, its the big 'Do'.

claire: You're going obviously.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

claire: What you wearing? What you wearing?

ricky: "What you wearing?"

ricky: Very boring I'm afraid.

claire: What?

ricky: Very traditional tuxedos.

steve: Tuxedos.

steve: We went shopping together and bought them. It's quite sad I don't know if I should have said that.

steve: Lost a certain degree of rock-and-roll cool.

ricky: It was funny, because I went in and I went "42 chest, 36, 30 leg, that's fine right". Steve, right, then I had to stay there looking at Steve try on about nine jackets so the arms weren't too short. I suggested at one point going down to London Zoo and seeing what the gibbons wear because every single-

steve: Those jackets you see them wear when there's an organ grinder.

steve: Now who's making those?

ricky: Six foot nine. Oh dear.

claire: Have you got the cummerbunds and things?

steve: Well this is the thing, my father phoned up, you know I have conversations with my parents which are always, they'll phone up and it'll be like "alright how's it going? What you having for tea?"

steve: "What am I having for tea? I'll probably have spaghetti Bolognese tonight dad." "Oh yeah" "What have you had dad?" "Ah your mother just made a lovely lasagne Steve"

steve: I mean it literally, that's the conversation, its like yeah, every parent they're just interested in food. Food that you've eaten, food you're planning to eat, food you've enjoyed in the past.

steve: Because they just want to know you're eating. "Have you got enough vitamin C? Got enough vitamin C tablets, because I can always send you some?" "I can buy them myself dad" "I'll send you some its not a problem" "Dad I don't need to". So anyway he says "What have you done?" and I'm trying to think and I think to myself he'll be impressed if I bought a tuxedo, I say I bought a tuxedo."

claire: Will he like that?

steve: He said "You bought a tuxedo, why didn't you rent it?" I said well it was quite cheap. He went "How cheap?". Told him the price, he went "Its not bad, not bad...

steve: "ELAINE, HE JUST BOUGHT A TUXEDO, HE JUST BOUGHT A TUXEDO ELAINE, YEP."

steve: He said "Have you got a cummerband?"

ricky: Cummerbund.

steve: A cummerbund. I said "do I need a cummerbund?". He said "Well...you gonna be dancing?"

ricky: Like he knows the rules.

steve: Like he knows, like he's some kind of like, I don't think the man's ever worn a suit let alone a tuxedo, what does he know about "gonna be dancing?"

claire: I love your dad.

steve: I just love the idea of him being at some kind of do and "right Elaine, jackets off, cummerbunds on, time for a dance".

ricky: You know a cummerbund? You wear it over your braces? Because those things are, because you're not wearing a belt I assume.

steve: No, you wear it under the braces I think.

ricky: No you don't.

claire: No, do you? I don't know.

ricky: You wear it over it don't you.

steve: Over the belt but braces are a different thing.

ricky: There's no belt. No belt on a tuxedo is there?

claire: No you're right, no it is over the braces.

steve: Sorry, how many people tuned to XFM are worrying about the etiquette of cummerbunds?

claire: No, no, but this is important because the comedy awards which is going on, its live tonight.

steve: I tell you this Rick, I tried on the tuxedo I bought yesterday, I got a new shirt as well, I look like James Bond. I'm not going to lie to you, no I do look like James Bond. I look exactly like him, its uncanny, it is uncanny.

ricky: Really? Because the bloke in there said you like a.

ricky: Lanky streak of piss and I looked good.

steve: (laughs) No-no-no-no-no- cause when--

ricky: No he did! he did! he did!

steve: Because as you were walking out the shop he called me back in and said, you know that... fat man on the telly--

ricky: No! That was for show, that was for show! Because when the very last time, when you were definitely-- you were definitely!--

steve: He said you looked like Oddjob. He said you looked like Oddjob!

steve: He said you looked like Blofeld! He said you looked like--

ricky: No he nev!-- No, you were definitely on the tube!--

steve: He said you looked like Blojob, he said you looked like Blojob!

ricky: He said you looked like a lanky streak of piss with a stupid gingery-blonde hair and goggle eyes.

steve: He said you looked like a combination of Blofeld and Oddjob-you looked like Blojob, he said Blojob!

ricky: He said "he is a lanky... twat!"

steve: He said Blojob!

ricky: Richard Ashcroft on XFM 104.9. That- that's in the top five for me, the singles of the year so far.

steve: Mhmm, mhmm...

ricky: Errrm well, yeah, we're talking about errm... what were we talking about? Comedy Awards. Your dad. Cummerbund.

steve: My father's cummerbund, he wears it--

claire: I'm sure it is over the braces. I think, you know.

steve: Yeah, Well, if anyone knows that, if anyone knows the err, the kind of rules.

claire: So, are you actually wearing one? Are you actually wearing one?

steve: A cummerbund? Well, I asked, Ricky said no, he said don't bother!

ricky: No. No, don't bother.

steve: But then I'm think: What if I dance? What if I do some grooving later?

ricky: You shouldn't.

steve: Why not?

ricky: Well, I've seen you dance before--

steve: Don't give me that.

ricky: No, no--

steve: Don't give me that.

ricky: No, no. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's not that you're not a good dancer--

steve: That dance you did in The Office- that's your best dancing!

ricky: No, it's not that you're not a bad dancer, it's that- that- you- I've seen you hit people in the face with your elbow because--

steve: There's always going to be casualties.

claire: Actually Rick- Rick! I remember--

steve: When someone's busting a good move, it's murder on the dancefloor.

claire: I danced with- I danced with Steve!

steve: Have you?

claire: At one of err an indie disco at uni.

steve: There you are! You've never forgotten!

claire: And err.. he's good! he's alright!

steve: I am pretty good aren't I? yeah!

claire: He is actually alright!

steve: I tell you the only problem is because I'm so tall--

claire: You were in the bar, but he was alright.

steve: Because I'm so tall, I do tend to tower like two foot above everyone else and that does make me look slightlyyy--

ricky: Freakish??

steve: Ehhh, I wasn't gonna use that word, but I can see where you coming from.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I do feel slightly self conscious, so I--

ricky: Why don't you hold them? Why don't you carry them, when you're dancing with them? So they're...

steve: Well no but the thing is- because I--

ricky: Cause then you could dance with Janette Krankie and still not look too weird.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: That wouldn't be weird would it? You holding Janette Krankie and dancing with her, would that be weird??

steve: I think we've all had that fantasy.

steve: But err- what I tend to do is because I'm conscious that everyone is- kind of- can see me and that I'm sort of, you know, I'm quite visible on the dance floor. What I'll tend to do is maybe dance on any kind of podium that they might have in some of the bigger dance clubs.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Or you know, any kind of stage. I just get up there, bust some moves.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Because then it's like, you know, I may as well put myself on public display.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Rather than just people think I'm--

ricky: Cause then you're going "Look I know what I look like and I'm proud of it."

steve: Yeah, I know how great I look. You know...

ricky: Yeh, yeh.

steve: Yeyeye, nononono! Cause its, you know, that's your opinion if you don't think it. But that's- again, a lot of jealousy. I mean a lot of what you say is jealousy.

ricky: He went for the normal shirt, I went for the err- the wing collar. I just thought I might as well.

claire: I do like a wing collar actually, yeah. What about a proper bow-tie?

ricky: I bought it all I went a bit berserk. I even bought errm- err- union jack cufflinks cause its the British Comedy Awards.

claire: Nice.

ricky: You know what I mean? So...

claire: Who's hosting it this year?

steve: Well "more money than sense" springs to mind.

ricky: Yeah, yeah! Yeah.

steve: I mean you've got- you're earning so much cash now that you don't know what to do with it aren't you?

steve: No I mean I don't know what it is you're spending it on but-

ricky: Yeah. I said "how much?" they went- oh I said "not expensive enough."

steve: (laughing) Exactly!

ricky: I said "I'm going to give you an extra tenner."

ricky: Errm... Is it true? Talking about err- when his dad- said that and then you told me summat that I find amazing.

steve: Oh err--

ricky: Your gran- your--

steve: The thing is yeah it's Christmas

steve: So obviously I've got to go back to- to Bristol. I love to see my family. Uhm, well, yeah, I do, uh but it means I'd see my grandparents who are, you know, brilliant people. I mean, lovely people, but mental--

steve: Utterly mental and- and they've taken now to- they must be sort of 80 a piece and that is quite an old age, but they're fairly good health relatively speaking and uhm, they just spend their time in bed. I mean, that's all they do is- that- that's their profession that's their, they've retired to go to bed and they spend all their time in bed--

steve: I tell you what they're like, they're like that old- got- they're like that old family in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: Remember how none of them had got up--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: For like 25 years.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And they--

ricky: You- you said that they go to bed, they go to sleep, but then, when they wake up, what they do is put an extra pillow, so there's slightly more upright--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that's them in the day in bed.

claire: Right, so that's active.

steve: So, that's their- that's their- that's their daytime.

claire: Yeah.

steve: Yeah. But uhm--

ricky: But they get up and cook and stuff.

steve: Well what they- well they mm yeah. Well what they do is they see they've got uhm

steve: They've got about six teeth between them. Uhm, I mean, my grandmother wants false- needs false teeth, but refuses to go and have the old ones extracted and the false teeth fitted. So, she's, she's working with about three or four teeth.

ricky: Oh.

steve: Uhm, my grandfather had false teeth given to him during the war.

claire: Wooden ones?

steve: Well it wa- it was plastic teeth on a wooden pallet, right? That sits at the top of the mouth. He's still got the wooden pallet, but most of the teeth have come off.

steve: So there's about four teeth left. Four--

steve: Four false teeth. He's got four- he's got a set of false teeth that make him look like he needs false teeth.

steve: And that's pretty bizarre.

claire: Soup.

ricky: Oh.

steve: So the problem is that they have to get up. They get up at 7:00 in the morning to put on say, you know, some beef or lamb whichever they're going to cook. They put it on at 6:00 in the morning, 7:00 in the morning, so that by the time they eat it at 6:00 at night, they can use the phrase. This is what a good meal is for my grandparents, if they can use the phrase, "Oh, that's lovely. That's lovely. You could suck it away".

steve: You could suck it away. Who wants that from a roast dinner? You may as well blend it up--

steve: And serve it as a broth.

ricky: I don't want that phrase coming from old people without teeth.

steve: No, indeed.

ricky: Because it remind- it must- it must remind you of your rent boy days.

steve: Exactly. It brings it all flooding back, you know.

ricky: Oh. God.

ricky: (incoherent) - the word.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Should we play a record before we get really disgusting about your grandparents and blowjob--

claire: Yeah. Please, please.

steve: Oh dear.

ricky: Worst thing we've said.

steve: We've said the word blowjob far too many times today.

ricky: And with- in the same sentence as your gra- I can't believe--

claire: Anyway.

ricky: And it's Christmas.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't forget what Christmas is about.

steve: Come on, spare a thought for the under privileged people.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (incoherent)

claire: Steve. Steve.

claire: Is it Ben Kweller. Do you wanna play a bit of Ben Kweller?

steve: I'd love a bit of Ben Kweller. I dunno, are you a fan?

claire: I love him.

steve: Yeah--

claire: Yeah.

steve: Well, this is a cracking tune and uh-

claire: Okay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uh,I think we'll enjoy this--

ricky: Slam-dunk it. It's quirky.

steve: Why don't we just stop and think about what we've done?

steve: They do spend so much time in- in bed that they actually- I'm sure war will--

steve: Ben Kweller, In Other Words--

ricky: That's fantastic. That ending is- oh. Go- it's like Ben Folds, bit of old Elton. That's great.

steve: You had him in sessions, didn't you, Claire?

claire: Yeah, in fact--

steve: Did you meet him or did you- cause he's quite young, isn't he?

claire: He's very young. Uhm, he came in about six months ago--

claire: To do something for John Kennedy and uhm, and I- also a session for me and I've been repeat- I repeated it this week as the best of the sessions cause it was- he did three songs, stunning stuff.

steve: It's just him and a piano, was it? or him and a guitar?

claire: It was just- yeah- it was just him.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah.

claire: Him with a couple of instruments.

steve: Mm.

claire: Uhm, stunning and also he did uhm, he did a Dingwalls gig for Xfm listeners and uh, the reaction from the listeners phoning up trying to get tickets was incredible.

steve: Really?

claire: He really has touched a nerve.

steve: Yeah.

claire: Well, like you say Ricky, I mean, it's really--

ricky: It's great.

claire: Yeah.

steve: Well I've just seen- we were talking there's a kinda

steve: Lack of music that sort of seems to be making use of instruments and sort of- and just the sound you can make with a piano and guitar and drums, do you know what I mean? It's like- it's so invigorating and you get kind of stuff like, you know, The Streets and whatever else or err- you know kind of hip hop and stuff. And in that- I love the fact that a lot of err- pleased to see Miss Dynamite on Top of the Pops last night using a live band. Really kind of- it remade her whole sort of R&B sound really exciting.

ricky: (mumbling) I like that errm- better than the other one. Yeah.

steve: Errm- anyway that's us being muso.

claire: That's us being terribly muso! I like that, yeah!

steve: That's us being muso for the year.

claire: Yeah, enough of that!

ricky: Well we are playing our favourite records. We're allowed to comment on it.

steve: Well it's nice to be able to talk sensibly without Karl interrupting with some gibberish. I- I mean bless him!--

ricky: I- awww Karl...

claire: I don't see it as gibberish!

steve: No, bless him!

ricky: He's probably listening on Sky or summat.

steve: Sky digital.

claire: Yeah!

steve: Yeah.

claire: 864. Channel 864, or around the world on xfm.co.uk- get that in...

ricky: Is that what you have to do? What do you do- do you just go into the website do you?

claire: Go into the website yeah and err-

ricky: I can never get things like that to work on my computer.

claire: Or you can go and check out the webcam obviously and errm- see me in my- camouflage gear.

ricky: They won't see you will you?

claire: Oh they wont see me no! No.

ricky: Now- so what do you do? Just go into the website and what does it say? play live online?

claire: Yeah, listen live.

ricky: And it's just like listening down the phone line?

claire: Yeah.

ricky: I sound like I've come from the 1950's don't I?

steve: (laughing) Yeah! Exactly! You've come from the 19th century. "What's this??"

ricky: I'm not very err- oh I was going to say summat then but I can't--

claire: (laughing) Can we just very quickly before we move on though- because I'm getting very excited about the comedy awards. Now I know what you're wearing and errm- you've got a- got a table with all your mates there. Is Jonathan Ross doing it again?

ricky: Yeah, thats why--

claire: Because he's very funny.

ricky: That's why it's my favourite, I hate- I hate awards shows- I do honestly, I hate them. But errm- but this is actually an event because it's Jonathan Ross, its just--

steve: Well I err- I was- cause I'm talking to someone about it and I might've mentioned it before, but err- we did this award ceremony- we went to an award ceremony last year where err- it- everything was sponsored by corporate groups--

ricky: Oh yeah!

steve: You know by businesses or by different, y'know- everything was sponsored! And I swear to god the pudding was sponsored by Electrolux.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I've never eaten a pudding before sponsored by anyone and err--

ricky: No.

steve: It was, you know, it was a very odd affair that! I thought was very strange.

ricky: That's weird.

steve: Because it seemed as though corporate people had paid for a table so that they- so when we came out someone kinda came on stage and said "well, we've got a lovely number of- a wonderful collection of celebrities here this evening."

ricky: Oh god yeah!

steve: Do you remember??

ricky: And it was err- "please be upstanding for your chairman Tom O'Connor"... We were made to give Tom O'Connor standing ovation.

steve: A standing ovation!

ricky: That's weird.

steve: We had to stand up so that we could give Tom O'Connor - former presenter of Crosswits - a standing ovation. We're talking about the cream of British TV Talent. Giving him a standing-- not that he doesn't deserve it! I'm sure he's a great entertainer. But I think err- sir Cliff was there wasn't he?

ricky: Seen the back of the stage this week?

steve: I don't want to talk about it, it's too embarrassing.

claire: Why?

ricky: Tom O'Connor's on there thanking- thanking Mel Young and the BBC for giving him a part in Doctors.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I love that, he had to take out a whole page.

steve: A whole page--

ricky: Oh it was so sweet.

steve: He'd obviously spent the fee he'd been paid for the show just to say he was pleased to be back on TV.

claire: It was- what an advert?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A whole page thanking the BBC for having him back on telly.

ricky: Stop it!

steve: But- well we're laughing! But it's gonna happen to you in about a few years time!

ricky: Exactly!

ricky: Oh God...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ... oh dear.

claire: Anyway, I just wanted to know; bad behaviour. Who d'ya think's gonna behave badly this year? Because-

ricky: I don't think anyone.

claire: We-we've had, you know-

ricky: Well we've ha- we had- we had...

claire: Hearne...

ricky: ...the- the um...

claire: Barry Moore and Clary...

ricky: Clary, the fisting and, Barry Moore throwing his monitor, was it?

claire: Yeah, that was funny.

ricky: The Hearne, um, what was she-

claire: But y- y-

ricky: Oh, she's heckled that deaf bloke.

steve: There's not any of the kind of- there's not really any sort of, uh, there's not really any, kind of, wayward people at the moment, is there? In showbiz...

claire: Mmm.

steve: ...i-in terms of entertainment, comedy. There's no one who, sort of...

claire: But I tell you what, Steve. I-I'm worried about Ricky.

steve: ...seems to have a drunk or drugs problem, sadly.

ricky: (laughing) Sadly.

claire: I-I'm worried that, y'know.

steve: Well-

claire: Something

claire: Might take hold.

ricky: No.

steve: No.

claire: The devil-may-care, might not been...

steve: Nooo, I think he's very careful.

claire: Is he?

steve: He's- he is a bit careful, yeah.

claire: Yeah, oh that's-

steve: Yeah, so he-

ricky: (coughs) Too tired.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Too tired.

ricky: Shout and scream...

steve: You have been, kind of, coughing and wheezing throughout today's show.

ricky: Well I- (coughs)

claire: Well I tell you why!

ricky: I- I had a fight, didn't I?!

steve: Ah, we should talk about the fight, yeah. We can't...

ricky: We can't- (coughs)

steve: ...give out the result. We can't give the result out on the fight, but uh...

ricky: No I mean I got a c- (coughs) I got a cough, I just got a cough again.

steve: Got a bit of a cough?

ricky: I'm scared I'm allergic to summat. What if I'm allergic t- I was worried today that-

claire: What if you're allergic to wheat?

ricky: Oh no- well that would be terrible. But I was worried, what if I'm allergic to my cat?

steve: Get rid of it.

claire: Ohh no.

ricky: Well the- I- well, it seems that easy, but...

steve: Well it is that easy.

steve: Throw- throw it out the window.

steve: That's how- that's how I'd sort out that!

ricky: Ah! Aaaah!

steve: I'm not- I'm not a trained doctor but that's how I'd sort that one out.

ricky: (laughing/high pitched) Oh god, throw it out! (back to normal) I'd just like to apologize for any, uh...

steve: But they always land on their feet, don't they? Cats, so that'll be fine.

claire: They do, yeah.

steve: And it's got nine lives, so if it lands on a spike, he'll be fine.

ricky: (laughing/wheezing) Oh don't! What happened to me?! Ahh.

steve: Yeah. Because you can't laugh cas you, c-cause of

steve: The fight and the ribs.

ricky: Oh yeah yeah, hurt my ribs, yeah.

steve: Because you took quite a- a ba- I have to say though that, uh, I remember we- we were talking on the radio about what Ricky should come out to for the big match. For those that don't realise, uh, Ricky at Christmas- there's a TV show on, Ricky, uhh, (laughs) don't know why, even to this day, why you agreed to do it!

ricky: Nor do I!

steve: But, uh, y- he's doing a celebrity boxing match, uh fighting, and he was described at the beginning of the fight, Rick, I don't realise if you- if you- I don't know if you know this, he was described as "entrepreneur" Grant Bovey.

ricky: Well I don't know I don't know...

steve: Husband of Anthea Turner. I don't know what that means exactly.

ricky: Well, he does bits of business I assume.

steve: Sure, yeah.

claire: Businessman, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: Yeah.

steve: Businessman.

steve: Entrepreneur.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, but uh-

claire: Like Arthur Daley was an entrepreneur.

ricky: (giggling) What was I described as?

steve: Yeah, you were described as (laughing), as yeah, uh, I think 'fat funny-man'?

ricky: Oh right, great.

steve: It might have been something like that, or comedian and actor. But you ca- yeah, Ricky came out to, uh, Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J.

claire: Nice!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think, uh, I don't know who's suggestion it was, I think it might have been mine but it was, uh, blinding. And I noticed you were really, they'd obviously- I mean it was ludicrous really, you came out in the shorts, you had the uh-

ricky: Well I was acting up...

steve: I know, you really were.

ricky: ...but doing it- but they were going, they were going, "Don't you laugh, don't you laugh." all my corner, and I- really- I think I overdid it, didn't I?

steve: Well you- he was, kind of, prowling

steve: Round the ring, staring every- you know, staring Bovey out and staring the crowd out.

ricky: (laughing) So embarrassing!

steve: Rarrrgh! And kind of looking really 'arrrrgh!'

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But- but of course he's got this ludicrous beer belly.

steve: D'you know what I mean? So it looks like, it looks like Johnny Vegas is ready to start boxing.

ricky: I didn't- I didn't do all the training I was meant to do!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohh dear.

steve: And Bovey looks quite a, sort of, athletic guy...

ricky: He's really fit, wasn't he?

steve: ...so he looks like he could actually be a boxer. Um-

claire: But did you have, did you have like- um obviously the filming it for telly, did you have the production crew saying, "Right, stop, cut, can you just do that- throw that punch again, Rick?"

ricky: No no, it was a real fight.

steve: No they just, they just let them go for it.

claire: So it really was a fight?

ricky: I thi- I think people are gonna be surprised. I think they're gonna see it's a realer fight than they imagine.

steve: And I tell ya,

steve: It's unpleasant. I mean it's actually an unpleasant thing.

ricky: It is, yeah.

claire: Okay, well I'll tell you now what- what Karl said. 'Cause Karl was there...

ricky: What'd he say?

claire: ...and- and he said to m- I can't do his accent...

ricky: Right.

claire: ...he went, "Ohh no i-it we-weren't nice. It weren't nice."

ricky: No it wasn't, no. No it's not.

steve: No, it was, it was- and all that- I have to say I was really, kind of, riled up by it.

steve: I mean I've never been to a fight before, and I just was like, "Come onnn!" I was like, "Smash his face!" I was really shouting it, I was just going crazy!

ricky: Shouting for me though, were ya?

steve: No I'm shouting for y- and then I was-

steve: Then I just decided to try and freak everyone- so I was shouting, "Kiss him! Snog him, lick him! Ask- ask him out!"

steve: I was shouting that in a vain attempt to throw someone.

steve: And, um... it was extraordinary!

ricky: Oh.

steve: But, I tell you, I think- 'cause I think you'd be better off, like, if they, sort of, brought back...

ricky: Bare knuckle?

steve: Wrestling.

ricky: Wrestling. Oh, like-

steve: Wrestling from the 70s, like Big Daddy and the Haystacks.

claire: Wrestling would be fun!

ricky: Like Mick McManus.

steve: Yeah, exactly!

claire: Yes!

ricky: Oh, 'cause the-

steve: Because I think you've got more of the physique for wrestling.

ricky: I think I'm too young for wrestling on British television!

steve: Yeah they were always about 65 weren't they.

ricky: I think they're 58, one of 'em! Les Kellet!

steve: Yeah.

claire: Yeah but the outfits were fun.

ricky: Oh they're- Yeah.

steve: Extraordinary, yeah.

ricky: Oh, bit too tight, weren't they? Some of those outfits.

steve: Yeah, and it was always that kind of shiny... whatever proceeded Lycra.

ricky: I know... with the- just a little winkle showing.

steve: Yeah-

ricky: His fat-

steve: "Little winkle."

ricky: Little- Little round fat man with a little winkle in their tight shorts!

steve: Why were you looking?

steve: I've done you!

ricky: Play a record!

steve: I've done you, hang on!

ricky: I'm not- I'm not-

steve: Well, answers please!

ricky: I'm not... I'm not one of those!

steve: You're not looking at mine now, are you?

ricky: Yes!

ricky: And those are the Red Hot Chili Peppers and they're still going strong... Mmm.

steve: Indeed. Yes.

ricky: That's one of my favorite tunes of the year. You liked that one?

steve: You've enjoyed that. Yes! Absolutely, yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: These are all mutual, we- we- we love them all. We're not- we're not, really-

steve: Aboslutely, yeah, no, we're not...

ricky: We're not annoying each other by putting on songs the other one doesn't like.

steve: Not at all. Not at all.

ricky: We're like a team today, innit? I think that's the Christmas spirit. I don't know what it is.

steve: We've come together, we've sort of unified... Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, in the absence of Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Who often divides us. He often comes between us.

claire: Does he? Does he do that, yeah?

steve: Like, yeah- Well I tell you what it's like. It's like, um, it's like a child. Like... it's like we're a married couple, and he's sort of our autistic child. Or something, you know.

claire: Ah, right, yeah.

steve: And sometimes it just puts a strain on the marriage! You know.

steve: You know. And we- you know- and we- we- and all three of us love each other! You know.

ricky: But [stammering]-

claire: Yeah, 'cause he does love you guys.

steve: But some- Yeah, exactly. But sometimes it's hard. You know.

ricky: I know.

claire: I- I hear him talking about you in the office sometimes, you know. He looks up to you -- he aspires to you two.

steve: Yeah, and [unintelligible].

ricky: But, it's- it's times like this-

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Because of- [stammering] Because of, um, to be honest, the baby Jesus...

ricky: That we, uhm... we realized that there's beauty in everyone and it's- it's all- It's alright.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: And, yeah... [unintelligible]

claire: And he's never had that before.

ricky: No.

steve: Well I, um, I have to say, that I'm really getting into the Christmas spirit. I didn't- When I was younger, I didn't really enjoy it, I was quite cynical. I was quite, you know, rock and roll.

ricky: You're joking!

steve: But, uh- but now I'm sort of, yeah, I walk in a department store, and if there's one of the old, you know, chestnuts a-roasting on an open fire, which uh- that classic tune. Or, uh, any of those, you know-

ricky: Oh, I thought you meant one of those old boys that stand outside the British Museum.

steve: Right, right. Yeah.

ricky: No no no, right. You mean the tune, yeah.

steve: You know that one. Or, uh. Is it- how does it go? "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,"

ricky: Chestnuts roasting on a...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Jack Frost,

steve and ricky: Nipping at your nose!

ricky: Oh!

steve: But I can't get enough of them! I- I love 'em. I'm in the department store, you know, it's frosty outside, you know, it's warm in there.

ricky: Have you ever roasted your chestnuts on an open fire?

steve: I have never done that, no. I have not done that.

ricky: Imagine that. Just ba-

steve: I have not done that.

ricky: Just backing up to it, like that, with your little chestnuts hanging out like a bulldog.

steve: What would you be wea- You would probably be just- I imagine you- you'd have your dressing gown on. You'd have just hoiked it up slightly, so your arse was showing.

ricky: Just pull it up. Pop 'em- pop 'em down- like- tuck it in like a lovely lady.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So you look like a lovely lady from the front, but behind...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It looks like a... you know, a real- a- a bulldog dragging a tree.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: And uh- and you just pop that- you pop them in the grate.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. And you would- 'cause you want to be careful of too much roasting.

steve: So I imagine you'd wanna just, kind of-

ricky: Lightly toast 'em.

steve: Ease yourself in slowly, like if it-

ricky: Lightly toast 'em!

steve: And if it feels too hot-

claire: Singe them!

steve: Get out of there! Get the hell out of there!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: You know if that's- If any kids are listening: try that!

ricky: No!

steve: What?

ricky: Don't-

claire: No!

steve: Like there's a kid thinking "Yeah, I'm going to roast my chestnuts on an open fire!"

steve: Oh, I don't think there's even a child that's doing that!

ricky: No, I don't want someone to do it and then-

ricky: And the parent's go 'and Steve Merchant's, uh, told our children to do it.'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We'll probably get -

steve: Okay.

ricky: Ah, we're probably in trouble now because of that.

claire: Kids, don't!

steve: Where's the kid gonna find an open fire like - the - I mean, it has to be the sort that they wrote, that they use - those kind of barrels. It can't just be an open fire at home. That doesn't count. That's just stupid.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: Do it properly.

ricky: Oh no. Oh, we were having such a nice time there.

steve: We've lowered the tone. I'll tell you what, uh, what'll perk us all up though. Richard Anderson has emailed us. Dicky Anderson.

ricky: Oh, he's loving the show, is he?

steve: Well, I don't know if you've heard this, Karl. Uh, Karl? I've called you Karl.

claire: That's okay.

steve: Um.

claire: That's okay. I'm Claire, pleased to meet you.

ricky: Is it the shaved head or the stupidity?

steve: It was the 'C' sound. Because didn't I call you Arthur or Jack or something last time?

claire: You called me, um -

steve: I can't remember.

claire: I don't know but it was quite embarrassing.

steve: Claire, I'll be honest with you, Claire is quite an unmemorable name, if I'm truthful.

claire: Yeah. I know, I know.

steve: Um, but yeah - Dicky Anderson, he's a guy, he's - I'll be honest with you, he's not a big fan of the show.

claire: Is he not?

steve: But we're beginning to win him around. He says, 'Dear Ricky, the more disappointing your show becomes, the more I seem to look forward to it.'

ricky: Aw!

steve: 'Now I see your face plastered across London, is your show some sort of curse put on me by an old gypsy woman I've annoyed?'

steve: You know, a good point Dicky, but um -

ricky: Dickers!

steve: But, but, Randers as I call him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He - he, uh -

ricky: He can't listen now. I know what he's doing. He's tucked them in, he's backing into the fire as we speak, and he wants to - he wants to roast them until they spit.

ricky: Oh dear. Thanks for - thanks for listening Randers.

steve: Thanks for - thanks for - and Merry Christmas to you and Happy New Year.

ricky: And as you know, you've got a lot to look forward to because our first hour is always the best.

steve: That's exactly right.

ricky: You're gonna be loving it until three, Cockers.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: Cockers?

ricky: What should we play?

steve: Well, this is - every so often, I get sent, um, a CD by a friend of mine, Harry, who just sorts me out with tunes that I may have missed.

claire: That's such a good idea, by the way -

steve: It is a great idea -

claire: That's fantastic.

steve: This is one that I think came out this year. It's Teenage Fanclub and they teamed up with Jad Fair and I think it's a mixed bag, the album apparently, but this is one of the good tunes on there - 'Near to you'.

claire: I'm - I'm afraid your CD isn't perfect. Oh no, it is now.

claire: But no, no. Oh, it's not me, Steve. Honestly, it keeps stopping.

steve: Claire, it looks like it's you.

claire: No, honestly.

steve: You're pressing buttons - you're fiddling with buttons.

ricky: Right -

claire: No, no, no - it comes back again, look!

ricky: Right, you can't play that.

claire: Look! I didn't touch it!

steve: Claire, I just - this never happens when Karl's here.

ricky: It does.

steve: It does, you're right, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: I tell you what - I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'll swap it into another CD machine. Can we play Oasis?

ricky: Another one of my favourites. Oasis back on form.

steve: Yeah. Rick, I don't - I'm not discrediting the tune, I just feel like -

claire: Oh. Steve's not happy with me.

steve: No, I just feel like it was a good hour - it was a good hour of radio, and it's just been cheapened and debased.

claire: Actually, you're right - it's just gone two o'clock, and already...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's starting to fall apart.

ricky: Well this is, uh -

steve: This doesn't bode well for the Comedy Awards night.

ricky: Well, this is a good anthem - this is a good Britpop anthem. Old uh - old Noel, back on form, with the old singer-song writing. This is 'Little by Little' and Oasis. He's a giant. He's like a giant, innit?

ricky: And he's a giant, and he gets - starts of little and gets bigger.

steve: Little by little.

ricky: Little by little. Well, 'Bigger By Bigger' I would've called it.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what makes you a genius.

ricky: Award winning.

steve: Yeah. Absolutely.

ricky: Um, Oasis - Little By Little.

steve: Little By Little, uh, do you wanna explain who you are?

ricky: Well, we've played some great tune- I'm Ricky Gervais. Um-

steve: (laughing) No, I'm Steve Merchant and...

ricky: Yeaahhhhhhhhhhh.

steve: ...that's Claire Sturgess standing in for Karl Pilkington. It's XFM 104.9.

ricky: Yeah, and uh, what is it on, Sky?

steve: Playing the great tunes of (???)

claire: People are saying-

ricky: What is it on, Sky?

claire: A- oh- channel 864. Uh Ricky, people are saying they can't see on the webcam, you just stick a leg up or something, just so they- there- okay, there's his foot.

ricky: Yeah, is it- yeah, was it just on you, is it? Oh 'cause most-

claire: But they can't see me 'cause I'm in camouflage.

ricky: Oh yeah they don't just- mm.

claire: So it's- it's not a very interesting picture really.

ricky: I've got a wave, there you go.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Um, does anyone log on online?

steve: I don't know who w- how does the webcam look? I don't- I've not ser- ever seen on a webcam, is it just kind of- 'cause normally aren't they kind of really sort of, umm, jarring and- and static.

claire: I we- I show- I'll g- I'll get up what we got.

ricky: Does it take pictures like a digital camera? Or is-

claire: It's every fifteen seconds, it updates.

ricky: Oh right, okay.

claire: You get a still picture, so-

ricky: A sti- is it, right. I see, okay.

steve: Right. Oh, it's still pictures is it? I didn't realise that.

claire: Yeah, every fifteen seconds, yeah.

steve: So they can't actually see, you know like, if I was to bust some amazing dance moves...

claire: No, they just get-

steve: ...they would just see snapshots of it.

ricky: Well if you did it- if you did it every fifteen seconds like you move- they could

ricky: Then print them off, it be like a flicker book.

steve: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

claire: That would work, yeah.

ricky: So they could see, they-

steve: (laughing) That would be amazing.

ricky: They could see you doing windmills and, you know really-

steve: King Tut's.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah yeah, all that, all that, all that.

steve: Yeah, yeah, scissor kick, um.

ricky: Um, I'm running out of steam now Steve, bit tired.

steve: Are you?

ricky: So, I've got fifteen minutes to do, so we better think of something to say or play a record.

steve: Well I- I was, I genuinely was gonna ask you, 'cause uh obviously Christmas is approaching and I've not even started to think about Christmas gifts...

ricky: Oh G- I never do, I never do.

steve: ... I don't know how you're getting on, Claire. But- 'cause Claire you're aware of what Ricky bought his family last year, aren't you?

ricky: (laughing) Oh yeah!

claire: D'you know, I am, because he told me and I had completely forgotten.

steve: Yeah, it's extraordinary. It is extraordinary.

steve: Ummm, I mean how much thought d'you- d'y- how much thought and planning went into it?

ricky: I was ru- I look- right, right I was pressed for time...

steve: 'Cause how many- well how many paren- how many k-kids were there? How many people were there in-

ricky: This is- this is it, this is it. I've got a big family, okay? Um, well not big but I mean they've got lots of kids, so I'm sort of youngest in my siblings, and so they're, you know, they've got kids ranging from like thirty to- to babies. And uhh, there's about fifteen of them, all my d-

claire: And you buy them all?

ricky: Yeah, I go- I try and get 'em, try and get 'em all summat.

claire: Ahh that's nice!

ricky: So what I did-

steve: Is it? Wait!

ricky: So, uhh, I got a lift down, and I thought, "Oh what can I get?" I thought, "oh I can't just give them the money, I can't-"

steve: I'll stop you there straight away, if I may?

ricky: What?

steve: You notice, he's on the way down for Christmas Day...

claire: Oh right, so he's on the- oh right!

steve: He's on the way down, this is when he starts- this is when he starts-

ricky: No it's Boxing Day, it's Box-

steve: Oh, Boxing day?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So this is when he starts to think about buying them a gift.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: On you go.

ricky: So, uh, I was getting a lift and, uh, mate had given me a lift down, and um, so uh, just before we got there I just ran across the road to the uh,

ricky: The 7-Eleven. Got 200 quid's worth of scratch cards.

steve: Scratch cards. Scratch cards. Bear in mind I think you were describing the family then, I notice, uhhh, some of them you described as babies.

ricky: (laughing) Well I mean, yeah, I mean, young!

steve: So, children.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah! They love it!

steve: You're giving the children, the gambling- the gambling cards.

ricky: But that's lovely, they get- I gave 'em ten each, so- they could have won thousands of pounds. A lot of them were disappointed when they won nothing but I said, "Kids, that's the gamble!"

steve: "That's the risk you take when you receive a gift from me."

steve: But the great thing about getting, uh, the great thing about getting hook-

ricky: Some of 'em won! (coughing) Some of 'em were laughing! Oh...

steve: But the great thing about getting kids hooked on gambling as a Christmas gift is it's the gift that keeps on giving.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

claire: Yeah, it is, and taking.

steve: Throughout your adult life.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: It gives and it takes, so it's fair.

steve: Exactly, yeah! Exactly.

ricky: I didn't hand them to the children, I handed 'em to the parents. They- they- they-

steve: Right. What they've chose to them- with them-

ricky: They can distribute 'em as they wanted.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: Um, and uh-

claire: So what you gonna do this year, Ricky? What's- what's the plan?

steve: But how are you gonna top that?

claire: Yeah.

ricky: 300 quid's worth of scratch cards.

ricky: Got a bit of money now, a bit of-

steve: It's the most thoughtless...

steve: Thoughtless...

claire: And The Office on DVD.

steve: ...pikey gift I've ever heard of.

ricky: (laughing) I think they might be getting The Office on DVD... signed!

steve: Signed!

steve: So that's, uh, already sent it up in value.

ricky: Ohhh dear!

ricky: I know, that's pretty bad init.

steve: So have you seriously considered it this year, is it- is it-

ricky: No, I'm gonna go shopping. I'm gonna go shopping properly.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: If you want any help I am the queen of shopping.

steve: Didn't you take a small roulette wheel down there one year? Genuinely, didn't you buy like a roulette wheel and-

ricky: No I had a- I- I- That's down there from when I got it when I was about ten.

steve: Oh right.

ricky: And someti- I'm- and I'm the banker. I always win.

steve: Yeah, of course.

ricky: They've gotta learn a lesson, the banker always wins!

ricky: I bet- It's a valuable lesson when they, when they lose money to me-

steve: I like- you should just go down this year and just say, "Basically, I went to a casino"...

steve: "I put, uh, ten pound chip on for everyone."

ricky: (giggling) Exactly, yeah!

steve: "Here's the winnings"-

ricky: "You lost!"

steve: "You lost!"

ricky: "You lost!"

steve: "You won!"

ricky: "Yours came in, yours was a donkey, love!"

steve: (laughing) Yeah yeah!

ricky: (laughing) Uh, yeah, yeah!

claire: But Steve, what about you then? 'Cause I mean you don't like shopping, do ya?

steve: Well it's not that I don't like shopping it's that I don't- I've got no ideas, you know, I'm running on empty with my parents. They don't appear, as far as I can make out, they don't have- appear to have any hobbies.

claire: No. They like their food!

steve: I said to you- I said to you before, my grandparents-

ricky: You don't like wasting money-

ricky: I'm not being funny but you don't like wasting money either, do ya?

steve: Well I don't like wasting money, no. Um, but I like- I like to buy something practical for people. I like something that- which is gonna last, something that's value for money. I don't like novelty gifts.

claire: Yeah.

steve: I mean I've said-

ricky: No I- I think novelty gifts are wrong.

steve: I've mentioned to m- to you that my grandparents spend all their time in bed. So there's only so many kind of, you know, sort of, bed socks you can buy. You know, and- and ointment for, you know, bed blisters, and so on before, you know, you run out of ideas.

ricky: Could you get 'em- what about some of those novelty teeth?

steve: Hah!

ricky: 'Cause that- I mean- 'cause that would be, you know, a nice jokey present...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...and they could probably come in useful

ricky: For chewing the broccoli.

steve: Yeah. (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

claire: Ooh, d'you know what would be nice? One of those... no, I'll tell you when- no!

steve: Go on.

claire: Those sort- travel pillows. So...

ricky: Yeah!

claire: You know when you're travelling and- and your head sort of falls down like-

steve: But they don't travel anywhere.

claire: No but-

ricky: No but it's-

steve: They travel from vertical...

claire: No but-

steve: ...to almost horizontal.

claire: When they're-

claire: They're sitting up in their bed, one of those pillows...

ricky: Get 'em one of them beds that come up- you're not made of money, what am I talking about?

steve: What am I? ktsts- Ludicrous.

claire: Like Thora Hird's bed! Thora Hird's bed.

ricky: She's- sh- I- does sh- her feet ever touch the ground now? D'you know what I mean though?

steve: No I- it's, literally she's-

ricky: She g- she goes shopping in one of those little trollies.

ricky: She goes straight into a room, she's up the stairlift, she gets lowered into the bath.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Terrible.

steve: It's ludicrous, I just- lazy. I mean, I tell you th- but I mean-

claire: Well there's a whole id-

steve: But yeah but that...

claire: Loads of ideas for you there.

steve: ...if you're earning the kind of money that, you know, that Hird is on...

ricky: Well.

steve: ...you know, with her- with her Songs of Praise and whatever else.

ricky: With her cream cracker under the sofa...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...money for old rope.

claire: She was at the comedy awards last year, wasn't she?

ricky: Was she- oh, give her an award, she's up the stairs like a greyhound, she can move then.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But uhh, I've got no ideas absolutely no ideas.

claire: Right. Oaky.

steve: Um, but uh, any suggestions are welcome, Claire. What are you gonna get your family?

steve: You've already thought this through.

claire: Well I- no I've- I've- well...

steve: Will they be listening?

claire: ...I obviously can't tell you 'cause they will be listening.

steve: Right.

claire: Uh, but they're all outside at the moment, 'cause my family are coming to meet me after the show and we're gonna swap presents then, 'cause uh...

steve: Okay.

claire: Outside.

steve: Are there any Office DVDs?

claire: In Leicester Square.

steve: Or Chris-

claire: No, I haven't.

steve: Books?

claire: Um, no.

steve: 'Cause I should- I should point out that The Office DVD is currently available...

steve: ...from all good, uh, from all good shops.

claire: I actually did go and buy-

ricky: From all good retailers.

claire: I actually went and bought it myself...

steve: Can also buy it online.

claire: ...and I am enjoying the scripts, by the way.

ricky: Excellent. That's in- I love the fact...

claire: D'you know what I love?

ricky: ...that we're authors in the top ten!

steve: Yeah, we're in the top ten best seller list.

ricky: No- no no no, but to be

ricky: Fair, we're in the- we're in, uh- we're at number seven in the paperback non-fiction. Now I don't understand how that can be non-fiction.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Cause it's the transcript from a made-up television show.

steve: Yeah, it's not a real documentary.

ricky: Exactly, yeah!

claire: (laughing) Yeah!

ricky: But we- we're- we're bea- we're beating these poor people that-

steve: But we're officially best-selling authors.

claire: I think that's fantastic.

steve: Which is excellent. Which is very good.

claire: My favourite bits- my favourite bits are the emails at the start, they are- they- I like them.

steve: Well, I mean a lot of people don't know what you're talking about, Claire, but of course if they pop down to Waterstones or-

steve: Uh, Books Etc. they can, uh,

steve: They can sort themselves there Rick.

ricky: Ohhhh dear.

claire: Nice, I like your style.

ricky: Oh no.

claire: Can we have some more music now yeah?

steve: Let's have, uh, what we playing, some Streets maybe?

claire: Streets.

ricky: Ah, brilliant.

steve: I mean The Streets have obviously one of the albums of the year and this is one of the cracking-

ricky: Best new album of the year.

steve: This is, uh, 'Weak Becoming Heroes', I think the last single and, dynamite it is too.

ricky: Hohhhh, ohhh.

steve: Erick Sermon and, what's the tune called there?

claire: It's called React.

ricky: React.

steve: React, yeah.

claire: Yeah, he's got a- from his, uh, debut- no not his- his fourth solo album, actually.

steve: Not bad. Not bad. Not bad.

claire: Yeah, it's good.

ricky: I'm enjoying the tunes, Steve.

steve: No, absolutely.

ricky: I'm enjoying the chat, I'm enjoying the tunes...

steve: Well we've been keeping it real.

ricky: ... I'm enjoying the penultimate

ricky: Show before Christmas.

steve: Last, uh, message from Anders, I suspect for the day.

ricky: Oh Anders?

steve: Uh, he says, "I've just roasted my chestnuts over an open fire, it's a lot more enjoyable than listening to your show."

ricky: He's- he- I-

steve: He's pretty snappy, is Anders.

claire: Yeah, yeah.

steve: You know, he keeps 'em coming. You know. It's a shame that um, you know, that we, sort of, couldn't, sort of, maybe meet up with him and try and persuade him that, you know, he should come over to our side rather than you know...

claire: Come over to the side.

steve: Re- exactly, exactly. Sort of be on our side.

claire: Yeah, come over to this side.

ricky: I-I think we've got him, though 'cause I mean...

steve: D'you think so?

ricky: Yeah. Apparently they did this survey and

ricky: Uh- in, uh, America. People who loved Howard Stern listen to an average of like, an hour and a half a week, and people who hated him listened two and a half hours a week.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: So I think he's probably more faithful a listener...

steve: (laughing) Yes.

ricky: ...than some of the people that quite like us.

steve: Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean? You gotta listen- it- I-I'm the same as some people, I gotta listen to things that I just think are awful, I-I can't...

steve: Mm.

ricky: Y-Y'know, it's compulsive viewing.

steve: Mm, mm.

ricky: So uh, you know, I don't care if people listen to us 'cause they hate us or like us, Steve.

steve: No, indeed. As long as they're listening.

claire: I was actually, I was on the tube...

steve: As long as they're spending money on the advertisers.

claire: ...the other day, yeah...

ricky: Yeah (giggles).

claire: I was on the tube

claire: The other day and, obviously, there's lots of pictures of you guys and, uh, there-there's a young couple. And uh, the guy was trying to explain to the girl what-what you did. And he said, "No you sh- you should check 'em out. Th-they do quite well, actually." (laughs)

ricky: Really?

steve: Nice, that's very sweet.

claire: "They do quite well."

ricky: Was- why was he explaining to her? She just didn't- she didn't know what was happening, or?

claire: I don't know, I obviously- I, I don't know. I-I, sort of, as I walked by them-

ricky: Have you leaving out the fact that she went, "Oh I hate that bloke."

claire: No, no not at all, no. 'Cause I would say that, 'cause that would be quite, comedy value.

ricky: He had some Germans laughing at him on the tube 'cause they recognised him!

steve: Yes! I, uh-

ricky: Think of that.

steve: Well I was- 'cause I- obviously Ricky doesn't travel on the tube anymore, (posh mocking voice) 'he's too rich for that.'

ricky: I never did, I always thought it was beneath me.

steve: Sure. But uh-

claire: No you used to walk everywhere, didn't you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But I'm still forced to, uh, I'm still forced to take the tube. And, uh, sat on the tube, and uh, it pulled up and outside the window, just happened to be on the station was one of the posters with us. So I was kind of there, not realising it was behind me...

claire: Ohh.

steve: And these ba- these big, kind of, fat German or maybe Bavarian guys, uh, had got on...

ricky: Were they in lederhosen eating sausages?

steve: Yes they were.

ricky: They're Bavarian.

steve: Yeah, they were. And, uh, and I noticed

steve: One of them kind of looked at me, then looked to the poster, then looked at me. Just just, happened to see it and wittered something to his friend in German, you know, I don't want to try and do an impression.

ricky: "Das freaken Goggleye"

steve: (laughs) Woah...

ricky: I think that... no, no. Your I know what you're thinking, it means, it doesn't mean that.

steve: Right... Okay. What's a rough translation?

ricky: Erm, elegant boy.

steve: Right? Okay, yeah. And so anyway...

ricky: Das freaken goggleye.

steve: He pointed goggle, I he pointed out the poster and err...

ricky: Das lanky pissenstreak.

steve: And he mate bursts into laughter. And er...

ricky: Well they've got a great sense of humor, the Germans. That's the thing.

steve: Well, indeed but we rumbled on to the next station, and the poster is in exactly the same place. And this time, they tap the shoulder on for someone else on the train and pointing me out and that person also laughed.

ricky: An Italian? [inaudible] Was there an bloke with a beret and a little mustache on the other side? Did you get on the United Nations Express? Oh imagine that.

steve: Yeah it was...

ricky: See'a tha freak! Look at 'is freaky google eye.

steve: Right. I love the fact that before you were at least pretending to speak German. Now this is an Italian, with an accent. Just a guy speaking perfectly good English. You've not even disguised the insult there.

ricky: Ohhhh dear.

clair: Ohhh.

steve: Try and insult me in other [inaudible] languages.

ricky: You could bring Europe together, if they just - instead of Esperanto - there was just one common language. The language is "freaky goggle eye".

steve: I'll tell you what would bring the Europe together. Is you maybe representing England on the Eurovision song contest.

ricky: That would be great, wouldn't it?

steve: With a self-penned tune.

steve: That would be Magnificent. It's gotta' be worth thinking about.

ricky: What just about everyone being the same and the Euro and that?

steve: Yes. And also mentioning the Euro. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah he's doing that. I like all different. I like all different cheeses.

steve: Oooh, Je taime la musique pop.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: La baby belle! Eeehh la cheddar.

ricky: I am la grande fromage. Oh it'll be loverly won't it. And they'll all be there. All in their different...

steve: Well, every line could be maybe in a different language.

ricky: Yeah. And what would I wear? I'd wear sort of like a kilt.

steve: (laughing) You'd wear a kilt. But you'd also have on your head one of those erm, one of those big - what are they called - those big furry hats that Beefeaters or whatever wear.

ricky: Yeah, one of them.

steve: Is it kind of a buzzbee or something?

clair: Yeah a buzzbee.

steve: Wear one of those or maybe a policeman's helmet.

ricky: That'd be good.

steve: A police helmet with the Kilt. You'd have the clogs.

ricky: I'd wear the policeman's helmet Under The Kilt, so they just thought I was really enjoying the show.

steve: Yeah, good idea.

ricky: Aye? Ohhh

steve: Excellent.

steve: We talked about three minutes without having to mention some kind of genitalia.

clair: Doing very well actually.

ricky: We should celebrate by playing one of my tunes of the year.

steve: Really? What one is it?

ricky: U2 - Electrical Storm.

steve: Oh I know you're a big fan.

claire: Oh, good choice. Well done.

ricky: Cheers.

ricky: Electrical storm, U2. I think that's my favorite of the year. If I had to pick one, that's great and I do still feel slightly guilty about dissing them throughout the 90s. But, you know.

claire: Don't feel guilty if you didn't it.

ricky: Didn't like the 80s stuff, didn't like the 90s stuff. I'm loving what they're doing now.

steve: I think you're a bigger man than them frankly, for being able to admit your past mistakes. I think you're better than Bono, despite all his charity work.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: More of a noble figure.

ricky: Stop bothering the pope. He's busy.

steve: Exactly. Rick. My mother always used to say to me that you should write and thank your aunties and so on for their gifts. And I feel like we should take a moment out just to thank all the people that have emailed or written into us during the year because we don't, basically, we're very lazy men and we never reply.

ricky: Well I never look

steve: You never look.

ricky: You read 'em, and I go "anything for me" and you go ...

steve: I reply very occasionally if I think its worth it

ricky: You're like my secretary, you protect me from like people who ...

steve: The insults.

ricky: Yeah, are there any insults, are there?

steve: Plenty. Plenty.

claire: Do you have to protect him really?

steve: Oh god yeah. Yeah, there are lots.

ricky: That's not very nice.

steve: Well, he's not as popular as he thinks he is. He thinks that when he's like, dancing around and making funny faces and squawking, making noises and stuff, when were filming, he thinks everyone thinks that's enjoyable.

ricky: Some of ... what ... people think, I'm quite an annoying little prat do they?

steve: That's not the word they use but you're near enough there.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah.

steve: They didn't say prat, but you're on the right lines.

ricky: Okay.

steve: But , for instance, we've had an email here from Graham. He says, "please stop the chat, and let's hear some more great ads as I'm still not sure what mobile phone I should get the wife for Christmas".

ricky: Well, maybe this'll help you out.

claire: Laughing...

steve: We're just playing with the webcam.

ricky: Sorry. We're just playing with the webcam.

steve: The webcam is an absolute treat.

claire: That is a lovely picture.

ricky: A lovely picture there of Steve. right?

steve: That'll keep the ladies happy.

ricky: That was Feeder, if I know them, right. That's from one of my favourite tracks of the year as well.

steve: Feeder, you've enjoyed that.

ricky: Which is what we're doing. God, it's gone quickly, it's only a quarter of an hour to go.

steve: Yes, indeed, yes. Karl will be back next week for our kind of Christmas Bonanza. I say that: we've got nothing planned. There's no reason why it should be a bonanza.

claire: That'll be nice yeah.

steve: So we'll play some Christmas tunes. And I know that Karl will have some kind of festive game for us maybe or some festive trivia.

ricky: We're introducing a couple of new games. I mean,

ricky: He's struggling with Rockbusters, which we missed this week. Educating Ricky - thinks there's nothing out there. All he could find was a parrot and a dog in a carwash.

steve: Yeah, he cant find out anything more interesting stuff.

ricky: He's still a little upset that we told him about intelligent crabs and babies forcing their way out.

steve: Yeah, we stitched him up last week by telling him some of what we claimed were facts.

claire: Because I was out shopping so i missed it.

steve: Right, yeah well you know.

ricky: Well you know he sort of believes anything that's weird and wonderful. We just made up these stories. I said two bodybuilders got married and she

ricky: Had a baby, but after six months or seven months, she was in bed asleep and she woke up in terrible agony where the baby were born a bodybuilder and forced his way out of the vagina and pulling her along by the umbilical cord.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And and, intelligent crabs and stuff like this and he was genuine disappointed.

steve: Yeah that they werent true.

ricky: But Ive come up with a new idea and I'm going to what I'm going to do is tell them three things ...

claire: Yeah,

ricky: One of which is made up and ludicrous and two incredible facts, and it's called

ricky: That's Rickydiculous.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: So he has to go "Number three is Rickydiculous". It's a winner.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Karl always comes up with a title first. You then have to work the game show out from the title.

steve: Have you started work on That's Rickydiculous yet?

ricky: No. I've thought of a couple of things.

steve: It's great. It's so much fun to say, isn't it? Rickydiculous.

ricky: Yeah, that's - wha wha - Rickydiculous. You're correct. Basically it's like Call My Bluff, isn't it really?

steve: It's not unlike Call My Bluff. It's not unlike Bluff.

ricky: It's not like Bluff. Yeah.

ricky: So, uh... um... yeah. We've had Oasis, Streets, we've had U2 -- we've had some cracking tunes. Can we get away with playing Nelly?

steve: Hot in Here?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think it's a cracking tune, I really do. I duh- I just think, again, you know, I'm not interested in what genre you think it fits into, or whether you think it's cool, or because kids like you're not supposed to like it-

ricky: Let's- Let's-

steve: It's a good tune, and I think we should try and-

claire: Right, just sling it here, I-I'll stick it on-

steve: We should try and stick it in.

ricky: Let's play it.

steve: But before that, Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Can I just play one track?

ricky: Go on.

steve: We did play it much earlier in the year.

ricky: What? What?

steve: It's from that album, uh, "Son of Evil Reindeer" by a band called "The Reindeer Section" and, uh, this is a cracking little tune.

claire: Aw, Yeah.

steve: I just think it's beautiful and, um, nice to hear it.

ricky: Oh "it's beautiful" marry it then.

ricky: Aw.

steve: Nice, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Very christmassy.

claire: It's beautiful.

ricky: It makes me want, uh, to wish everyone a happy Christmas.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, well, do it.

ricky: No.

steve: No? Okay.

steve: Uh, that's called "Grand Parade"...

steve: From the album Son of Evil Reindeer by The Reindeer Section -- it's a nice tune, it's one of my favorites of the year.

claire: Thanks for the tea, by the way, Steve.

steve: Not at all. No, it's- that's- that's my pleasure. It's my pleasure... Um, Claire.

claire: Mm?

steve: Just big highlights of the year for you? As a final round up.

claire: "Highlights of the year"? Umm...

steve: Sort of things have you enjoyed this year? I mean musically, maybe. Or maybe stuff you've- you know.

claire: Musically? Um... I've enjoyed that band "The Music".

steve: Okay.

claire: Um, and "The Rapture".

steve: Sure.

claire: And, uh, "The Electric Six" - remember last time, I sat in for Karl, we played, uh, "Danger, Danger, High Voltage".

ricky: Yeah.

claire: And it w- like, one of the first times-

ricky: That was first time I heard it, you played that. Yeah.

claire: A-and now we- we're playing it every hour.

steve: Really?

claire: And-

steve: Because you're ki- You're- You're sort of a pioneer, aren't you, musically, on Xfm.

claire: Well I-

steve: You're one of the people who keeps it pretty raw, pretty cutting edge.

claire: I remember the- the early days of "Idlewild". Ricky, do you remember the early days of Idlewild?

ricky: I- I- I take that back as well!

claire: All those years ago?

ricky: Teasing you about them playing the [unintelligible] and stuff.

claire: I know!

ricky: That- that latest single I love! And the video's great as well!

claire: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: I'm a big fan of Idlewild now.

claire: I knew you- you-

ricky: No, great, brilliant.

claire: You'd like 'em, yeah.

steve: Come around in the end, yeah.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

claire: So, yeah, it's been a good year. I haven't been out to many gigs, obviously.

steve: Sure.

claire: Because I do the evening show.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

claire: But, you know, all the sessions. Wh- which I'm doing the best of next week. Quick plug...

steve: Uh huh.

claire: For the show next week.

ricky: Yep.

claire: Best of the sessions. So yeah it's been a good year.

ricky: Low points? Low points? What don't you...

claire: Low points?

ricky: Do you know what mine are?

claire: What?

ricky: Poverty, and war and everything.

steve: Oh, I always hate it.

claire: Oh, well obviously, yeah, that!

steve: I always hate it.

ricky: No! No, you didn't say that!

claire: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: No you were- you were gonna say-

claire: I-I was gonna say. Um.

ricky: No, you were gonna say "The Streets" or sommat.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I- And you didn't care about...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: All of the people dying. So.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Don't try and do it now, Sturgess.

steve: I'm thinking specifically of-

ricky: You're nasty! You like that! You like poverty?

ricky: Oh, you like poverty and starvation? Play a record, Claire, because you've embarrassed yourself!

steve: That's interesting! That's interesting!

ricky: What a horrible...

steve: Near Christmas time!

ricky: What a horrible hoe.

steve: You- You hope kids go lame?

claire: Oh my god just- You're evil!

ricky: Oh god!

claire: You're evil!

steve: That's terrible! That's terrible thing, Claire!

steve: Nelly. Hot in Here.

ricky: Cheeky little bit of Nelly there, on XFM 104.9.

steve: Oh we've snuck out- Nelly in! But, uh-

ricky: We don't care. Springsteen and Nelly?

steve: Ah, it's a great tune. A great tune.

ricky: You don't get that on... XFM, do you? D'ya? Usually?

steve: No. No, indeed.

ricky: We don't live by the rules, Steve.

steve: Absolutely! I was lis- As I was listening to you, then, talk.

ricky: You got bored?

steve: No, no, no! It reminded me of an E-mail that someone sent in, saying that they listen online.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But, uh, because of however slow their computer is, or whatever, um, they- it kind of stutters all the way through. Um-

ricky: You want to point out that is the way I talk?

steve: But- No- But they've said: it only happens when you talk.

steve: And, uh, I think they've correctly identified that it's not the computer at fault. You do sound like someone...

ricky: Well, that's why I wasn't worried about doing this boxing match! 'Cause I've definitely lost my looks, and I already slur.

steve: Yes.

ricky: So there was really no, ruh-, danger of any damage!

steve: No, exactly. Yeah. You do sound punch drunk con- constantly!

ricky: Exactly yeah.

steve: Well that's just part of your charm.

ricky: Well listen. That's been a lovely two hours for me. I've enjoyed it. I hope the listeners have enjoyed it. I hope you've enjoyed it. I hope Sturgess enjoyed it.

claire: I've enjoyed it yeah.

ricky: Well, I didn't really care if you enjoyed it to be honest, so don't butt in when I'm talking to Steve. Yeah, you know, or you won't do it again.

steve: You're here to press the buttons, Sturgess.

ricky: Yeah. But, um, we're going to play now a Christmas song for the lovely Christmas ladies.

steve: I don't say it's so much Christmasy, but it's one of the tunes I've heard this year that really stuck out to me.

ricky: Well I'm trying to tie it into the festive theme, so.

steve: Well, you're a fool. You've embarrassed yourself. You've just shown off that there's no planning.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This is, er, it was given away on a free CD on the cover of a magazine. I just think it's brilliant. It's Lamb Chop, who are an excellent band always, doing a cover of an obscure Rolling Stones tune called Backstreet Girl.

ricky: And I'll tell you what. A bloody good meal as well.

steve: That's true enough. Um, so we'll leave them with this. It's Backstreet Girl, Lamb Chop, and see you next week for our final festive show.

ricky: "Lamb Chop"

steve: Yeah thank you very much.

steve: Embarrassing. Sometimes you're embarrassing, thank you.

lamb chop: ♫ I don't want you to be high. ♫