XFM Vault - S02E19 Transcript

ricky: Uhh, It's the Best Of, you've been voting in all week, sending your emails, so here's the clips that you wanted.

ricky: Karl Pilkington, in the chair now. The, um, ah, the talked about, the acclaimed... Educating Ricky.

karl: Right well, just in case anyone's new, doesn't normally listen...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Umm, basically I'm educating Ricky.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Uh, do a bit of research in the week. Find stuff- news, history, anything that's interesting.

karl: Ummm, three stories, I give them a nice little headline, you take your pick...

ricky: Yep.

karl: Between now and 3 you're gonna learn three things, yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So umm-

karl: The headlines are, ummm, 'Albino buying one of them'.

steve: Give us that again?

karl: 'Albino buying one of them'.

steve: Nice, okay.

karl: Yeah? Uhh...

steve: Intriguing.

karl: We've also got, uhh, 'Hippopota-nuse'.

steve: Okay! Okay.

karl: And, uh, 'Chi-cken you believe it?'

steve: 'Chi-cken you believe it?' Well, it's your choice Rick.

ricky: Well I'm gonna go for Hippopota-nuse.

karl: Hippopota-nuse?

steve: Hippota- pota-nuse.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, well this one, it's uh- i- I'm not gonna take the credit here, I heard Christian talking about this on Breakfast right, 'cause it's a good good, uhh, good story that happened. Umm, basically, I don't know if I told you about it last week when we were having our spaghetti. But ummm...

ricky: (laughing) I think you did-

karl: Right, there's this-

ricky: (laughing) I know what it is! I know what this is.

steve: Ok, I've not heard this.

karl: Right there's a little midget,

karl: Right. There's a circus-

steve: I'm loving it already.

karl: Circus going on somewhere, I think it was in America. And umm...

steve: Is that present day, or old times?

karl: I'm talking, like, in the last three weeks.

steve: Okay.

karl: Right, uhh, little midget, uh, circus, really packed out show, people are loving it. Umm-

ricky: (laughing) Right, Steve! You'll ask the same question I did, I know.

karl: So umm, so this little- little midget jumping up and down on a trampoline.

ricky: (laughing) What sort of circus is this?!

steve: I'd pay good money to see it!

karl: So,

karl: Everyone- everyone's clapping, and he's getting carried away, uhh-

ricky: 'Cause he can't believe his luck, he can't believe- they're loving it. "I didn't know they'd like a little person on a trampoline, but they love me!"

karl: But you know what it's like when, uhh, if there's a crowd of people sort of encer- couraging you to, sort of, go higher and stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I'm sure he knew he was g- it was getting out of hand.

karl: But he was jumping and he was coming down and they're all going "Higher!" and he's going really high in the air, right. So he's- he's doing this, crowd are clapping. There's a hippo, right, just sat next to

karl: The trampoline, getting ready to come on and do his act.

steve: Oh right, I thought he was in the audience.

karl: (laughing) No, no!

ricky: (laughing) This hippo getting ready to do his act, Steve!

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, so they-

steve: He's a ventriloquist.

ricky: What do you mean, "He's sitting by the trampoline waiting to do his act"!?

karl: Because it's says-

ricky: Why doesn't he sit in the dressing room and they go, (knocking) "Five minutes!"

ricky: "Mr 'Mus. Five minutes, Mr 'Mus."

karl: So anyway right. So the hippo's there, uhh.

steve: He's getting annoyed, is he? Cause this- cause the midget's eating into his time?

ricky: How can I follow this?

ricky: This is really annoying. They're going to be... ah no.

karl: So...

steve: He's thinking, he's already done the trampoline, my pogo stick act is never gonna work!

ricky: Yeah go on, so there's a hippo waiting, eh- this, this- see it's a great story and I just know he embellishes it or he gets slightly wrong, go on.

karl: So...

steve: So there's a midget jumping up and down...

ricky: Yeah

steve: The hippo's getting annoyed.

ricky: The crowd are going mad-

karl: The crowd are going mental.

ricky: The midget's loving it, can't believe his luck. Although we think- you think he probably knows he's dicing with danger.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: So, next thing you know,

karl: They're all saying "Higher, higher", he gives it one big, like, heavy sort of landing on the trampoline, goes really high. But, goes off at a funny angle...

steve: Oof.

karl: Hypotenuse.

steve: Hah, okay.

karl: Yeah? Umm, and sort of flies at-

ricky: Hypotenuse!? Hypotenuse!

steve: Sure.

karl: Flies off at a funny angle...

steve: Ooh dear.

karl: Hippo's there, swallows him whole.

karl: Crowd are clapping, thinking "That's why the hippo was waiting there".

ricky: Rubbish.

ricky: Rubbish!

karl: It's not rubbish, though.

ricky: But n- nooo, maybe the- there was an accident in a, uhh, a circus with a midget and a hippo eat him, but at no point was this hippo waiting to go on going "Come on", the midget flew off at a hypotenuse, and landed in the hippo's mouth and was swallowed whole!

karl: Well...

ricky: This is- this is what you embellished- that is great, and what's that-

steve: I have to say though, Rick, when I heard: midget, trampoline, hippot- hippopotamus, I was thinking 'accident waiting to happen'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Maybe? I mean-

ricky: It is uh, that- that- that- you should never put those three together.

steve: Never!

ricky: It's a- it's a recipe for disaster-

steve: It's textbook.

ricky: Everyone knows that. "Midget, trampoline, hippopotamus? Are you mental?!"

steve: You're asking for trouble.

karl: Well, well.

ricky: You know when he told me it, he said "And the midget", he didn't mention the hippopotamus, and he said "the midget went higher and higher, and soon he fell off, and the Hippo eat him."

ricky: And I said "Sorry? What was the hippo doing there?" He went "It's a circus."

steve: I've never heard of a circus having a hippo?!

ricky: No! What do hippos do?

steve: What can they do? You can't train them, can you?

ricky: What do you- what do-

steve: Aren't they like, very deadly?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They're huge, aren't they?

ricky: You can't have a hippo in a circus! You're not thinking of Zippo?

steve: Isn't he the clown?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No no no no no-

ricky: He did- he- no ye no- an- and- It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't some sort of- where Zippo was 'eating a midget' and it's some sort of horrible sexual act?

karl: No it was defin- I heard it on Breakfast, right? And, definitely-

ricky: Ah okay, sorry.

steve: No, it's definitely fact, then, it's definitely truth.

ricky: Yeah, okay, right, okay, good. Uhh, let's play a record then.

ricky: 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, uh, with me Stephen Merchant-

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Uh, it's the best-of. You've been voting in all week, sending your emails, so here's the clips that you wanted.

ricky: We- we- me and Karl went out, right? Um, and uhh, uh with, um, me and Jane and Karl and Johnny and Gigi, wasn't it?

karl: Gigi weren't on it.

steve: Is it important who went?

ricky: No.

steve: Okay.

ricky: But we're walking down the street. Karl was there though and he can back me up on this. Um, we'd had a curry, we're walking back, and uhh, this little funny homeless fella, didn't he?

karl: Mm.

ricky: He, er- oh I gotta tell it before-fore I go "didn't he?"

steve: Yes.

ricky: He came up to me, right? And he recognized me. And he came up to me and he went - he went, "Oh!" He said, "I've just nicked one of your DVDs from HMV." And he shook my hand. He was so happy with it. And I went, "Right. Excellent." He went, "All I did was I just swing the bag over the top. Like that, when I'm going out." And he had a bag full of DVDs, didn't he? And he was - he was so pleased to tell me he'd stole it. Isn't that great?

karl: He said - he said, "They're going like hotcakes."

ricky: He said they're going - of course they are! I know.

ricky: We get paid for them though, don't we?

steve: So, he - not the stolen ones.

ricky: Don't we?

steve: No! What do you mean? Did you sign them for him?

steve: You idiot. What, so um - he just nicked five -

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And you said he was homeless, was he?

ricky: Well I - I - he - don't know. Maybe.

karl: Nah.

steve: Surely, how would he have seen the show? He just walked past Currys one - one morning.

ricky: Dixons.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. The telly on, yeah.

steve: Seen the trailer for it, thought, "Mmm, interesting."

ricky: I don't know if he was homeless, I didn't - I didn't go into his home life.

steve: Sure. You shook his hand though, and -

ricky: But he's - he made Karl look

ricky: Smart, do you know what I mean?

steve: Mmm, mmm.

ricky: So uh - how does he sell them? Where does he sell them? Does he go up to people going, "Do you want an Office DVD? They're not nicked."

ricky: "Four quid."

steve: Yeah, exactly. "Are they stolen?" "Nooo."

ricky: "No, no, no, no, no." "They still got the tags on them."

steve: Well, it's like those people who um - you - those cab drivers that you often meet at sort of 3:00 in the morning who've just got a car.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And just went out with a car.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And just - "I'll - I'll pick people up and charge them."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I got in one once,

steve: I said to him, "Uh" - a guy just pulled up. I said - he said - I was in like kind of East London, I'm going back to North London. I said, "Uh, yeah, going to uh, Swiss Cottage." He went, "Sure. Hop in." We set off. He went, "Do you know the way?"

steve: I said, "Well, not really, no. I thought - I thought you'd know, wouldn't you? You're a cabbie, aren't you?" He went, "No, don't really know the way there." I said - I said, "Have you got an A to Z?" He went, "No." I thought, "Well if you're going to go out just on the - you know, just winging it as a cab driver" -

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Two things: take a map and a torch. He didn't have either. He said, "Well, I'll probably get to Camden." I said, " Right, I'll direct you from there."

steve: Drove on for about five minutes, making conversation. About five minutes later, he went, "Do you know the way to Camden?"

steve: "I thought you knew the way to Camden!" "I don't really know the way, I thought I did."

ricky: Oh.

steve: It was -

ricky: "Let me out."

steve: You know - yeah.

ricky: "Four quid."

steve: Exactly and that's - I can't - I don't know who's got that sort of time on their hands that they just think, "It's 3:00 in the morning. I'm at a loose end. I think I'll go out doing a bit of cabbing."

karl: Well, you know.

steve: 'Cause your dad was a cabbie, wasn't he?

karl: Yeah, he was, yeah. Couldn't stand it, but it's - it's good money.

steve: He was a - he wasn't like a Chancellor -

karl: Black Cabs. Black Cabs.

ricky: What was - what was he - what was he doing when he put that little

ricky: Forrest Gump in a -

ricky: - in a wheelie bin?

karl: That was - that was part of the cab company thing. He had to do like a charity event once a year and he did it one year. Never asked him again.

ricky: Tell the story again, I know you told me but -

karl: No, I'd rather not because we got -

ricky: Why?

karl: Because we got a few, sort of, uh, complaints about it.

ricky: Why? Why'd you get complaints about it?

karl: Because - because he put a kid in a bin and it's not the thing to do.

karl: So -

steve: But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson for people.

ricky: Yeah. Tell it like a - tell it like a - you know, don't - "You shouldn't do it."

karl: Nah, it's - it's - yeah, but that's how I did it last time, but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell you, I don't - you know, we don't take the mickey out of people on purpose.

ricky: No.

karl: We - it's real life, innit?

karl: And that goes on in life.

ricky: Yeah, I-

karl: Me dad was saying that in hospital though. D'you know how he's in hospital?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know, he did some jokes about old people and that, and he said "at the end of the day, if something makes you laugh it's funny, d'you know what I mean?

steve: True enough.

karl: So, what are you meant to do?

karl: And laughing's good for you.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So... even though some-

ricky: But being laughed at isn't as good for you, is it?

karl: No, but there's probably more people laughing at one person so if you balance it out, there's only one person who's upset and a bunch of people laughing.

karl: So, it's, it's-

ricky: That's genius! Give me an example of that, give me an example-

steve: Well, for instance, Karl Pilkington

steve: As he talks and the people listening.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. No, give a little example of like- so I- I- y'know.

karl: I c- well I can't because again, that's what I'm saying. I can't tell you the story...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...'cause they might be someone out there who... m- this person might even be listening and think, "I forgot about that and you brought it all back to me again."

steve: Yeah.

karl: S-So, I'd prefer to leave it but I think people know wh-

ricky: Why did he put him in the bin in the first place?

karl: Because he was getting out of hand.

ricky: What was he doing though?

karl: You see, I can't explain without-

ricky: You can, don't be silly!

karl: I'd prefer to... to leave it, honestly.

ricky: Would- wha- what was he doing, was he annoying him?

karl: He was annoying me dad and the other people in the cab.

ricky: Right.

karl: And he thought, "How can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: He pulled over and put the lad in a wheelie bin.

ricky: I'm gonna burst!

karl: So we'll, we'll leave that.

ricky: (laughing) And then, oh God!

steve: XFM 104.9, uh, Ricky and I are on holiday, obviously it's Christmas time but Karl is here in the studio, he's pressing buttons, alright Karl?

karl: Alright?

steve: What d'you make of the first genetically modified baby?

ricky: Ooh.

steve: Are you worried about this?

karl: D'you- d'you know w-what did they do? What-

steve: Let me see what it says here, it says uhh

ricky: Well isn't it just choosing ch-choosing the , y'know,

ricky: Eye colour or, or-

steve: Well this is the- this is the- this is the concern, isn't it? That in the future you'll be able to decide, uh, whether it's a boy or a girl. What- how intelligent it is, what it looks like, is it handsome, is it ugly- obviously no one would choose an ugly baby, and so on and so on and so on. And so, it means that, you know, w-where will it lead, where will it end Karl? Are you concerned?

karl: I've thought about this a lot because-

ricky: What will us three look like in the future? If they're being, you know, genetically modified beautiful people, what will be- we be like? How will we be considered in society?

karl: That's true, yeah. But we've talked about this before, haven't we? About, uh, the cloning thing...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and how it's a bit weird.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: But, umm, I don't think it matters because, at the end of the day, right, you might look like some other kid, but it's the way you've br- that you're brought up that will change your features, and the way you are. You know, your personality-

ricky: If you lie you get a long nose, don't you.

karl: Well no, but listen right, 'cause I remember when whe-when we, you know, I was growing up on this estate-

ricky: This is gonna be good, go on.

karl: No, no it's not. It's just a- an example of how this doesn't work...

ricky: Go on.

karl: ...so- so we don't need to worry sort of thing, right?

ricky: Sure.

steve: Okay.

karl: So, I'm growing up on this estate, and there was uhhh, there was this woman about four houses down, right.

karl: It's- bit rough...

karl: ...alright?

ricky: Didn't fancy her?

karl: Oh, God no! Right but, she had a baby-

ricky: Why? Well tell me about her first, I'm interested in this woman, why was she-

karl: I- it was a very-

ricky: She look like Bernard Manning in a dress?

karl: I mean I didn't grow up in a posh house or anything...

ricky: Sure.

karl: ...and I'm not- I'm not saying that if you live in a bit of a rough house...

ricky: Mm.

karl: ...you're a bad person-

ricky: What did she look like?

karl: But anyone can-

ricky: Tattoos?

karl: Clean up-

ricky: Look like Tony Green with a fag on?

karl: They didn't clean up much, right?

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Which- even if you've not got a lot of money, you can still...

ricky: Get some Jif.

karl: ...try and make the place...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...right? But she didn't and

karl: A kid used to take a horse into the house.

ricky: (chuckles) Sorry...

steve: Hah, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

ricky: ... hold on, yeah. Woah Neddy, whoa Neddy! What do you mean, "A kid used to take a horse into the house"?

karl: Couldn't believe it, right-

ricky: Where did he get a horse?

karl: Must have nicked it from somewhere.

karl: Must have done.

ricky: "Uh Sir, you seen a horse aro-?" "Nope!"

steve: (laughing) What, is that from outside the saloon around the corner?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, was it just tied up with a bit of leath- (trails off laughing)

karl: Right? And uh-

ricky: Oh, that's great.

karl: I'd been out-

ricky: Did Big Jake come a-looking for it?

steve: (laughing) Exactly.

karl: (laughing) I-I-I'd been out.

steve: Oh.

ricky: (laughing) Nicked a- where'd he get-

steve: Now, sorry, let me get this- this was before the

steve: Lynchings stopped or after?

ricky: (laughing) Where did he get a horse from?! What d'you mean, "He must have nicked it"?! His mum said, "Where d'you get that from?" "I bought it." "Alright then, but keep it out the kitchen!"

steve: "I don't want you going cattlin' rustlin'!"

ricky: Oh! Where did he get a horse from, Karl?

karl: I'm just-

ricky: And how long did he have it for?

karl: Until-

ricky: Was he leading it or riding it? "Mum, open the door I can't stop!"

steve: (laughing) "I can't stop it! Open the patio door as well I'll be-"

ricky: "Looks like we got us a runaway!" What do you mean?!

karl: I don't know. But the thing is, they couldn't afford to buy one 'cause they're not cheap, so I'm just guessing. Maybe that's wrong of me. But I-I think-

steve: He had a horse?!

karl: Yeah, right. So-

steve: That's why the family didn't have any money, they'd spent it on the horse!

ricky: Exactly!

karl: No I think- that's what I'm saying;

karl: I don't think they would have bought it. So anyway-

steve: Yeah it's wise to whisper, Karl, in case they're listening.

ricky: Yeah! And it's not-

steve: They could be in the room next door.

ricky: It's not buying it, it's keeping it as well! Oh!

karl: But...

ricky: What?

karl: So I- so I was like in the car with me dad, coming to the avenue and you used to have to drive down it to turn round...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...And uh- and, you know, sort of go back to w- to our house.

ricky: You had the traditional method of transport, yeah.

karl: And uh... the horse was in the lounge.

ricky: Reading a paper?

karl: Just- just like, walking around.

ricky: (laughing) Oh-hoh God! This-

steve: What?!

karl: And when I- when I was doing- ah- d- I tried to earn meself some money once buy flogging little flowers in- in plastic cups.

ricky: Wha- this is...

steve: Right.

karl: And I went...

ricky: ...genius, he just keeps coming! What d'you mean 'you tried to flog little flowers'? What do you mean?!

karl: Well... that's not the story, that's not the story!

steve: Wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait, let's play a record, let's play a record...

karl: Hang on!

steve: ...and come back to this...

ricky: Wait a minute, wait a minute!

steve: ...'cause this story's just gonna unravel and unravel...

ricky: Yeah yeah!

steve: ...it's gonna go on for hours, let's play a track, Karl-

ricky: It gets deeper and deeper! It's like an onion, isn't it?

steve: Yeah come on, Karl. You've- we've created a whole world here where there's a man living with a horse!

ricky: Just walking around the lounge! I just-

steve: I mean I come from the West Country and never heard anything like that!

ricky: I just- I just think of a big, sort of like,

ricky: Orange carpet and it's got- a vr- a rediffusion telly and this horse going, "I'm fed up in here."

steve: Exactly!

ricky: "This really n-"

steve: "I am not taking the rubbish out again!"

steve: Right, play a record. Let's have, uh, Velvet Underground we got that lived up have we?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Ohhh God!

steve: Yeah, the classic from the first album, uhh, 'I'm Waiting For The Man'. Let's come back to the horse in the settee.

ricky: "Little flowers in pots." What do you mean? Ahh.

steve: Velvet Underground and Nico which apparently peaked at a disappointing 171 in the US charts...

ricky: Think of that.

steve: ...and that's obviously Lou Reed- The Velvet Underground and, uh, 'Waiting For The Man'.

ricky: Yeah, great track. So, we were talking, uh, we were doing White Van Man. And, uh, we got on to uh, um, to genetically-

steve: We got on to, uh, genetically modified babies, but somehow we-

ricky: And then Karl started telling a story about someone with a horse, and then he got on to- he was trying to make money selling flowers. Just do the flowers briefly.

steve: Well hang on, I just wanna recap slightly. So there was a family and, who had the horse in the family?

karl: It was...

steve: 'Cause you lived on a h- an estate in Manchester

ricky: So the mother was a right pig, apparently. I don't know where that's...

karl: Well, you don't need to go that far.

ricky: But you... go on.

karl: But what I'm trying to do is, like, make a picture for you so you understand...

steve: And what a picture it is.

ricky: Who did she look like? Who did she look like?

karl: (Pause) A bit like Pauline Quirk.

steve: Quirky. Yeah.

ricky: Okay. I knew you were gonna say that. I knew it was gonna be Pauline. Did she have any tats? Did she have any tattoos?

karl: I never got that close to her.

ricky: Okay, alright.

steve: So, and so, who had the horse? Was this her son or her husband?

karl: No, her daughter.

steve: Her daughter had stolen a horse?

karl: Yeah. From... I don't know where. There was... I think there was some stables down the road or something.

steve: And they kept the horse in the house with them?

karl: They kept it in the house. They didn't have it for long.

ricky: Did they get caught? No.

steve: Sorry, and you said you were in the house one day and you saw the horse in there?

karl: No, what happened was, um, they did this thing at school about raising money for charity, right? For some local charity. And they said you can do anything to raise money and they came out with all these ideas and I thought that's good.

ricky: What was the charity?

karl: But forget... well, I dunno. I thought 'forget the charity'. I'm the charity here.

steve: Yeah, it's just a good money-making... (laughing) You're a charity?

karl: So, uh...

karl: So, I asked me mam for some - she used to have a lot of flowers round the house.

ricky: Sure.

karl: I said, 'Can I just take some snippings of them? And I'll go and buy some plastic cups?' And uh, got some soil out the garden, planted the bits of plants in them.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Got a tray.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Had about 25 plants on it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Selling them for 25 pence each.

ricky: Excellent. Sell any?

karl: Yeah, I sold loads!

ricky: Did you just cut... you didn't just cut them and stick them in soil did you?

karl: Yeah they wouldn't have survived.

karl: But I think people sort of thought, 'Well, good on him for trying.' But anyway, so I went round to theirs, because I thought, 'Their house could do with a bit of colour and stuff.'

steve: Yeah.

karl: Because it's a bit rough. So as I went...

ricky: The horse went, 'Thank God for that, breakfast! They've been feeding me Kit E Kat."

karl: So I got up to the door, and they opened the door, and it was one of them houses where... no carpet.

steve: (laughing) Yeah... a horse in the living room.

ricky: (laughing) You know.

steve: We've all been there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the horse was walking round the living room. And it looked quite happy and everything, because I always say that about animals, right?

ricky: Black Beauty was on! (laughing) Yeah.

karl: Well, think about it, right? If you were a horse, where would you rather be - in a little wooden hut with a load of hay, or in, like, a house with a...

steve: Central heating.

karl: ...three-piece suite?

steve: Sure.

karl: And a telly and that?

ricky: (laughing) 'A telly and that'!

karl: No, but I was saying this the other day...

steve: And an Atari.

karl: Right?

karl: I was walking through London the other day...

ricky: Commodore 64? Rubbish.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

karl: Walking through London with Suzanne, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And do you know how, like, homeless people always have dogs?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And she said, 'Ooh, I hope she looks after it.' And I said, 'They've got... that dog is happier than most dogs.'

steve: Right.

karl: Because people always walk past and give it a pat on the head.

ricky: Yep.

karl: With it's owner all the time.

ricky: Yep.

karl: It's out in the open, it's not locked up in a house.

ricky: Yep.

steve: It doesn't eat, but other than that.

karl: No, it does eat, though! They're always alright. So that's what I was saying, I think this horse was doing alright for itself.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Well, not many horses have got their own house, for a start. Yeah.

steve: Exactly.

karl: But anyway that's, that's...

steve: That's by the by.

karl: So anyway, this family, who's a bit... what were we talking about? It was about cloning...

steve: Genetically modified kids and all that stuff, yeah.

karl: Right, now, what I'm saying is, you could say... you know, right Steve, you could have a baby and Ricky could see it and say, 'God, I want one that looks like that.'

steve: It could happen, Rick.

steve: Come on, work with him.

karl: So you take it to the doctor's. And I dunno what they do with it, they inject it with something or whatever.

steve: Yep, that's how it's done.

ricky: Yep, yep.

karl: And, uh, get a little baby and there it is. It looks the same. Now the thing is: You separate. You both go off and do your own things. Right. Now, you look at Ste- Steven, this is. You look after your baby.

steve: Yeah.

karl: You treat it well. You give it good food and that.

steve: I'm a good dad.

karl: All the vitamins and stuff. Ricky just gives it cheese. Right.

karl: So,

karl: Then it changes its looks. It goes a bit fat. You know, it gets tired easily and that sort of thing. Now, when this family-

ricky: Why am I just feeding a baby cheese?

karl: Right, this, this, um, this, this, this family who had a horse in the g- in the, you know, in their house. They had a, a little baby. And me mam went round and said, "You're not gonna believe this but it's a beautiful looking baby". Right. And I was like, "Well, you know". And, uh, the weird thing is it was a good looking kid. But as time went on they didn't really look after it, and I'm not

karl: Saying like abusing it but it used to run around. It used to play out til like ten at night.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uh, it used to chase cars.

steve: Right.

karl: It was a bit-

steve: Did it have hooves?

ricky: Yeah, no.

ricky: It used to chase cars! What sort of kid chases cars?!

ricky: Oh, God! Was it called Rover?

karl: The weird-

ricky: Did it catch sticks?

karl: Liam it was called, right.

ricky: Right.

karl: Now, the weird thing is it was a good looking kid but as time went on and all that, like, not eating properly and its hair was all

karl: Patchy.

steve: It's not Liam Gallagher is it?

karl: And chasing cars and that and it became an ugly kid.

steve: It's definitely Liam Gallagher.

karl: And that's- that's what I'm saying, right. You can cl- you can clone all you like but at the end of the day it's how you're brought up.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Wow! Man alive!

ricky: Wow!

steve: That was a hell of a point!

ricky: God.

karl: But am I right?

ricky: You're always right, Karl.

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve and Karl. Karl, why have you got a headache? You got a headache?

karl: Just a bit

karl: Stressful cos the move's- move's on this, uh, this week.

steve: Oh, you're moving house?

karl: Oh by the way, uh, the Xfm listeners came round to me house and bought the, uh, futon and table.

steve: Did they?

ricky: Were they happy with it?

karl: Quite normal. They were well happy.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Couldn't believe their luck with it.

ricky: What do you mean, 'quite normal'? What do you mean, 'quite normal'?

karl: Well it's always a bit scared init, getting, getting people round.

ricky: I imagine they were scared.

steve: And were they excited to see you? Could they- I mean they were- You know, could you tell that they were pretty pleased to see you?

karl: No I don't think so. I mean, you know-

steve: You're Karl Pilkington.

karl: Yeah but I- The- the fella sort of, I mean they brought their whole family round. Which was a bit odd.

steve: Well it's not often they get the chance to, to visit a living freak.

karl: Anyway. Anyway, they were- they were nice. They were nice.

ricky: And you're moving now are ya? He said- he phoned me up today. You know it was absolutely tipping it down. He had to cycle in cos he said cos of the move he doesn't wanna leave his bike round there. Right, and he said

ricky: Uhhh... Suzanne- oh, I can't say this in case he's listening, can I?

karl: He won't know, will he.

ricky: (laughing) He sa- he said Suzanne's hired the oldest removal man in London!

karl: You should hear him.

karl: And the thing is right...

ricky: Ah!

karl: ...We've booked him- we've booked him 'cause everyone else happened to be booked out but this fella's free, right? So he called up this morning and I've never spoke to him but he was on the phone. He sounded about ninety.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Karl thinks that he's gonna have to do all the work!

karl: And the- and the thing is-

steve: Is he cheap?

karl: We- well, h- he seemed to be cheap.

ricky: He- all he wanted some Werther Originals!

steve: Yeah yeah.

karl: Right listen. It seemed to be cheap because it's £50 an hour. But how-

karl: But how long is it gonna take him?

steve: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Oh that's genius!

karl: So...

steve: So when's the move on then? When's he actually...

karl: On what- he's coming r- he came round today to bring some empty boxes and he was struggling with them.

karl: So uhh, i- it actually happens on Wednesday.

ricky: Oh God.

karl: Anyway.

ricky: I woke up this morning, yeah?

steve: Feeling fine.

ricky: It's not a blues song. And, uh, I turned my phone on and it- it was from Karl and it went: "Forget it, I've made my mind up." And thought...

steve: Wow.

ricky: What is that? And phoned him-

steve: "Forget it, I've made my mind-"

ricky: Yeah. I went, "Karl, what is it?" He went, "Ah no, it's about the text I sent you last night." I went, "Well what- what was it, I just got this text." He went, "Ah. Ohh,

ricky: I was just wondering, I said I was thinking last night." He said, "Supposing you had to have your hands removed."

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right?

ricky: And the doctor said, "Well... you can either have 'em stay like that with stumps or I can sew feet there. What would you have?" And I was bleary-eyed and I went, "The stumps." He went, "Yep." I went, "Alright?" He went, "Yep." And th-

steve: And then what was his follow-up

steve: Text to that?

ricky: And then I got the text that was obviously before it, and it went- and it was like quite serious, "What- what would you do, if a surgeon had to remove your hands, would you have stumps or the feet?" Right? Now the way, uh- when I said, "He's made his mind up" and I went, "The stumps?" He went, "Yep." I think secretly he decided on the feet.

ricky: But was too embarrassed to tell me.

karl: There was a little... little bit of 'what would you do?' Cause it's- it, last night-

ricky: But why did you think of this?! Why did you think of this?

steve: How did this come about?

karl: Girlfriend's away, right?

ricky: Yeah, no! That's not why

ricky: You start thinking bizarre surgery devices!

karl: I'll- I'll tell you know, right, I'll let you in to me little mind, right? Last night, I, um, I had some beans on toast, right? She's-

karl: 'Cause she's away.

ricky: It's good already!

karl: Right.

steve: She was away, so you had some beans on toast, you went wild!

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Right? Now, I was stood up, I live on like a- on a high street, right? So I'm- I'm washing up, I'm looking out the window. First thing that had me attention is; I can- I can look in to other people's flats, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it was weird how all these different lives were going on; I was watching 'em, and everybody had the telly

karl: On and was watching Volcano, right, which was on last night.

steve: Right.

ricky: Right.

karl: And I thought, "Oh, tha- that's weird." Right? I can see 'em all watching it, and there was like a little Chinese lad who was dancing around in some underpants.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And then there's a little old woman who lives downstairs who was reading a book, and she's always reading a book every night and it's like, "I have a better life than her."

karl: And then there's a-

karl: There's like some sort of bouncer who's always ready to go out, late at night...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ... with all the black on, he looks like a bouncer. So I was watching all this life going on I thought...

steve: Did you witness a murder while you were doing it?

ricky: Yeah

karl: It was like, it was like that sort of Slither film where that bloke had loads of tellys watching peoples lives.

steve: Yeah sure

karl: So that was going on in my mind and then I was washing up and I picked up the plate and I thought it's amazing innit the human body. The way you can just sort of, you know, "I wanna pick that up" and you do.

steve: Yes.

karl: And the way your hands work, right, you've got five little digits but it's just the right amount to-

karl: To do what you've gotta do? Right? So so I'm washin-

ricky: Sorry Karl, stop, "it's just the right amount" might be one of the most genius things I've ever heard said. I would love David Attenborough to phone you up and say "Karl how do i word this, about the evolution of the mammalian front limb?", "well just say it's the right amount"

karl: But it is.

ricky: It is. Of course it is.

karl: One extra would get in the way and one less would make it just that little bit more tricky when picking up a bit of a slippery dish.

steve: Sure, or buying gloves.

ricky: "A slippery dish"

karl: So then I was thinking, alright, imagine like going the doctors and they say "yeah everything's alright, your 'earts good and everything but"

steve: Your arts good? What your Lowrys or?

karl: "Your heart, your heart, your in good form and what have you, it's good news, I had Jono in earlier, he's not looking good"

steve: Yeah, Fats Waller.

karl: "But you're alright but your hands need to come off"

steve: Right, blimey, that's bad luck. I'd get a second opinion initially.

karl: "But a bit of good news, I've got a nice pair of feet I can sort you out with"

karl: He puts them on, and then I was thinking right first of all: washing up what would that be like?

ricky: Steve!

karl: That would be tricky. And then the second thing was it would probably ruin the sort of shape of your jumper.

steve: Because you'd have to keep putting your feet through there.

karl: And then I thought but I could still cycle in to work-

ricky: You could run in!

karl: Well that's the thing-

ricky: You'd be really fast.

karl: Well that's what I was thinking, I thought, I could still cycle because I could balance.

karl: And then I thought but the only thing is I probably couldn't pull the brakes.

karl: Because of the little short things.

steve: Yeah

karl: And then like you I thought but then again you're running in half time. So that's what was going on last night.

ricky: Right.

karl: That's what I was thinking about.

steve: How long did this take?

karl: Well, how long does it take to wash up?

steve: Right, because I imagine you just being there for like, all night.

karl: Probably, 25 minutes.

ricky: How long did the little Chinese fella dance for in his pants?

karl: He's always doing it.

karl: Last night he was at it for like 10 minutes. And his girlfriend never sits in the same room as him, she's always sat in the bedroom-

ricky: She's going "you dance in pants again I'm going next door"

karl: Well she was in the bedroom, she's always in the bedroom sat on the floor, on the mobile phone

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah, all the time. It's weird how peoples lives are just like, it is like that Groundhog Day thing, it's like, he's jumping about in his underpants, the old woman's sat there reading a book.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that's what got me thinking about my life-

steve: Are you sure she's not dead?

steve: Every time you look down there, she's just flicking through the- she's just reading this book! The pages never turn, she never seems to finish it!

ricky: Ohhh!

steve: She never moves from her chair!

ricky: Are you sur- are you sure the Chinese girl's goin-

steve: Her cats are dead around her!

ricky: "I- I- I'm going into next door again, that little round-headed fella's...

steve: Yeah. The smell!

ricky: ...looking in! He's looking in at me!" And the bouncer goes, "Don't worry love, I'll go and beat him up."

karl: That's- that's true.

ricky: But he's always getting ready.

karl: That's true they're probably-

ricky: They se- they see you staring at them washing up going, "I could have feet here." And they get scared...

karl: Yeah.

ricky: The woman's dead! Ahh dear!

steve: Karl, can you tell us roughly

steve: Which neighborhood you live in, so- so that we know?

karl: It's, it's C-Central.

steve: Central, is it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeyeah.

steve: Wow, imagine if that little d- was he a Chinese fella, did you say?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Imagine if he was listening now, I'd love him to call in and explain these actions.

karl: Well he- he might be on some other radio station talking about a lad who's always washing up and-

karl: -looking at his hands in a mysterious way.

steve: Yeah!

karl: So...

ricky: But, do we kn- this doctor, this doctor that would go, "well alright Karl, I've got- you can either leave them as stumps, or I've got a lovely little pair of feet." Why u-u-uh, I mean

ricky: I t-told Jane this and Jane went, "Did- hh- is that the only choice? Did he- could you say, 'Could I have some dead man's hands?'"

ricky: "Have you got any- ha- if you've- where'd you get the feet from? Where'd you get the feet from? Can I have- can I have pa-". What would you rather have then, human feet or monkey paws?

karl: Mpff, when I- I mean that wasn't an option last night, d-

steve: No.

karl: If the doctor said "This is-

ricky: No it wasn't an option last night, but don't forget it's in your head Karl, this didn't happen. This is-

karl: No but, I'm just saying at the time that's all the doctor had to offer.

ricky: But you know it's your head, you can go anywhere- no no no, it wasn't a real doctor to offer, it's in your head,

ricky: You can go anywhere. You-you're not trapped.

karl: Yeah but if you can do anything then you'd say, "Well sort us out some other hands."

steve: Fair point, let's play a record.

karl: So, so...

steve: Hello.

ricky: Ah, you're listening to the best of, basically Karl Pilkington.

karl: Right, are you ready then? So, uhh, just in case, uh, you haven't heard it before, I give you some initials of a band or an artist...

ricky: We're not doing Rockbusters now, are we?

karl: Yeah I thought- well we've just-

ricky: Ah they- w- k-keep that going then, we go- why d- I-I love Educating Ricky, that's my favourite thing now.

karl: Well w-what d'you wanna do Steve? I mean it's just, it's just-

steve: I think let's- let's- let's- let's- hear the clues!

karl: It's just that you've- i-it's, it's sort of bigged up the prizes and people will be-

ricky: And so, this is only by email. Give the email address out now, for people to write it down now Karl.

karl: Right, it's

karl: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk, right?

ricky: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk, only entries on email...

karl: Yep.

ricky: You're gonna get three clues, you've gotta get them all right...

karl: And you win all the stuff.

ricky: You win all those prizes we said, okay Karl go on then.

karl: Right, and just a quick example, uh, the f- one of the first ones we did, it was like 'A.K.', and the clue was "Exploding Pet"-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it was Atomic Kitten.

ricky: Atomic Kitten.

karl: Right?

ricky: Yep.

karl: So, you understand how it works now, these are your clues, the first one, ummm: 'That army has got some well nice

karl: Trenches.'

steve: 'That army has got some well nice trenches.' Excellent.

karl: Yep, and the initials there are: D.W.

steve: Do you write some of the questions for Fifteen to One?

ricky: Go on.

karl: So, 'That army has got some well-

steve: It's got a similar phrasing.

karl: -nice trenches'. Okay.

ricky: Okay.

karl: The second one, umm...

steve: What were the initials there, Karl, on that first one?

karl: D- D.W.

steve: D.W.?

karl: Yep. Right, uh, the second one: 'The top of them curtains are all wrecked; all the material's all worn.'

ricky: He acts it out

ricky: We've got to get him on telly, we have got to get him on telly because his little face, and his, his gestures, and-

karl: Okay that's the second one, the initials being HV. Okay, the top of those curtains are wrecked. All the material's all worn out, right, HV. And the final one, um, here's the final clue. I was in Texas the other week, alright, I tripped and landed on my knees in a puddle.

steve: What's the, what's the initials?

karl: Initials WH for that one. So I was in Texas tripped up, landed on my knees in a puddle, so that's WH.

steve: Incredible.

ricky: I've got it!

steve: Is it great?

ricky: It's fantastic. It doesn't work-

steve: Okay, tell me during the record, tell me during it- Remember you're playing for, uh, these compilation albums. We got the Fatboy Slim DVD, Linda Green on VHS and, of course, Executive Decision. Starring Kurt Russell as well.

ricky: XFM 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant. We're not actually here, um, it's the Best Of. (tape rewinding)

ricky: Okay, what's the next one? What's the next Educating Ricky?

karl: Well, I don't know, uh... see like I say I was looking around in this stuff that... is interesting, alright. I was looking on the web-

ricky: But there's no point.

karl: Well it's just that I found one about uh-

ricky: What's the point-

karl: -about a lad who, uh... eight years old, but he still breastfed.

karl: Now, I don't know if you can get anything out of that.

ricky: Is that what his mum said? What do you mean you don't know if I can get anything out of that, you don't need to.

karl: No, it's just, uh-

ricky: Where did you read that?

karl: That was on the internet.

ricky: OH!

steve: You're always unspecific when you mention it, it's just "it was on the internet".

karl: Yeah. Well I'm trying to think what I put in, I think I put in "why" to see if I'd confuse a computer.

karl: And then-

ricky: Karl! You are- No honestly-

karl: I did a search, put in "why," and it came up with funny things, like why is this person doing that, why is that- and it had a picture of this eight year old lad, sort of, you know, on his mum's nipple, and it was saying, is this healthy?

steve: You sure that wasn't asking you that question?

ricky: "I put in why, just to confuse the computer." It'll go, what do you mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Stop it!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh yeah, last week I was walking home with him and I went, uh, he was saying summat stupid, and I went, I've got a competition for next week. Let's do a phone in, and it's called "Karl Pilkington: Genius or Fool?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right. And he went. No... no.

ricky: I went, why not? He went well, it'd be confusing because they say, there's no difference between genius and being a fool.

karl: They do though, don't they.

ricky: No, no. No, it's rubbish. And people say, there's a fine line between madness and genius. And, you know, it's a ridiculous sound bite. They don't say there's a fine line between genius and an idiot.

steve: Well the people who do are idiots.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: What would you do there though? Just to sort of wrap that little thing up, what would you do there? Lad loves his mum.

karl: Mam's... his mam's milk.

ricky: What are you ta- what are you asking me to come up with?

karl: No I'm just-

ricky: A title for the, the story-

karl: Nononono, it's just- it's just what would you do? Right I th-

ricky: What d'you mean what would I do?

karl: Well it's causing a bit of a problem in the area, right?.

ricky: What area!?

karl: In- in America, I think it was.

ricky: Oh America, are a problem are they? George Bush is worried about this kid...

karl: Well no-

ricky: Who's breastfeeding at eight.

karl: Right, imagine it like this, right.

ricky: Right. N-n- so Karl, what are you asking me? About this spurious story you saw on 'The Internet'.

karl: I saw on the internet, there's an eight year old lad, he likes his mam's milk...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and, it's saying, "is this right, should it go on?"

ricky: No it's not, but what I- what- wha-

steve: What do you want Ricky to do about it? It's not his responsibility!

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

karl: No but, but the little town that he lives in, they're all causing an uproar, right.

karl: Going, "This isn't right."

steve: No.

karl: You know, "I can't let me kid play out in case he's in the garden with his mam getting a bit hungry." Right, so...

ricky: Oh, God!

karl: What should they do? Because his mam's saying, "Well he likes it."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he- you know.

karl: What- so what do you do?

ricky: I don't know the laws!

karl: No but I'm not asking you to sort out the laws, I'm just saying if you lived in that neighbourhood, what would you sa-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If you went up to him and said, "Look, everyone's getting a bit fed up with this love."

ricky: I'd sa- wha- wha- what- what would I do? What d'you mean what would I do?

ricky: What- what are you asking me?

karl: Right it doesn't matter.

ricky: No no no no, what are you asking me? What are you asking me and Steve, and the public.

karl: Look, I'm just saying, say if you live next door to this woman.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? The kid's hungry, eight

karl: Years old, he's out playing on his bike and he goes, "Mam, I'm getting a bit peckish." And she goes, "Alright son."

karl: She wops one out.

karl: Umm, and he starts having his, having his milk, right. You live- you live next door, you're putting your washing out, and you see this going on.

karl: You're getting a bit sick of it, 'cause it's gone on for months. So-

ricky: Eight years, I assume.

steve: Why is it your business?

karl: Just because it got me-

steve: Why are you- why are you such a nosy neighbour that you're concerned?!

ricky: What would you do, Karl? Let's turn it back on him.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: What would you do?

steve: What's your solution?

ricky: What would you do?

karl: Well, I thought I'd say, "Right, why're you doing this?" and she'd say um, "Cause he likes it." And I'd go, "alright then, put it in a bowl first."

ricky: (laughing) Genius! Solved.

steve: And you think that would sort that out?

karl: No! Because it- I was thinking about the whole thing, right, and you do that when you're a baby and everything's alright, innit?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: No one bats an eyelid...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...at a little baby havin- having a bit of milk from it's mam's breast, right?

ricky: Nope.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You'd almost say it was natural.

karl: But you grow out of it. It's like you don't see- it got me thinking about things you don't see, and you don't see...

ricky: (chortling) Did you put this into a computer, "Show me things you don't see"?

steve: What else don't you see?

karl: Well you don't see, like, an old man having a Twix.

karl: You never-

ricky: Ahh! Ohhhh!

karl: So wha-

ricky: You know the- you know the terrible thing about all this, Steve? Is he's right.

steve: You don't see an old man eating a Twix.

ricky: Noo! I know, that's the

ricky: Terrible thing!

karl: But, but, so what they have got, right, they've made old man toffees, haven't they? They've come up with Werther's.

ricky: (laughing) Old man toffees! Is that a song? "Ollld m-", ah God! You don't see an old man- (laughs).

karl: So they've got their Werther's, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So-

ricky: Look at him!

karl: Forget it.

ricky: You'd think he's giving a lecture at Oxford.

karl: Forget it, it's n- it's not going anywhere.

ricky: No go on, sorry! Go on.

karl: I'm just saying...

ricky: Right.

karl: ...you grow out of things.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the old man, I'm sure when he was a kid he'd have a Twix.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now, it doesn't look right, so he's at-

ricky: (laughing) It doesn't look right!

karl: So...

ricky: Right-

steve: I don't think Werther's Originals were specially designed for old people. I think they were sweets that'd just happened to have been made for years...

ricky: Mm.

steve: ...that's why old people eat them.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They didn't go, "Hang on, there's a market here. I've noticed old people aren't eating Twix's. Quick, let's make some-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -old man sweets."

ricky: But th-th-th-the little advert...

karl: Yeah.

ricky: ...he gives it to his grandson as well, doesn't he? He goes, "Have a Werther's Original." So-

steve: Ow, I think i-it cuts though before he throws it back in his face and goes, "G-Get me a Twix."

ricky: You've been voting in all week, sending your emails, so here's the clips that you wanted.

ricky: You've got a real problem with Rik Waller, haven't you?

steve: I just, I-

ricky: And he's- he probably-

steve: He turns my stomach.

ricky: I know but don't, don't say that-

steve: Because he's arrogant as well, though.

ricky: Exactly-

steve: That's the problem.

ricky: Don't-don't-don't- Explain to people that-

steve: No, he is a bit arrogant.

ricky: You know, it's-it's-it's his a- it's ha- his whole thing you d- it's the whole package...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...so to speak, that you don't like.

steve: Well there's another thing in this quot- because, uhh he's tal-

ricky: It's not just the fact that he eats too much

steve: He, uh, he- he tried apparently to lose some weight, and uh, it says- he said, "The first month I lost 11 pounds,

steve: The next I lost a stone, but in the third my body did somersaults and I put on 9 pounds. I had a slip up...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...I can't say when, why or how, but it just sneaked up on me."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't believe it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Don't believe it just "sneaked up" on him.

ricky: That- that body's never done a somersault in it's life.

steve: No. No. It "just sneaks up" on him.

ricky: "Sneaked up on me", yeah.

steve: It was the cakes again.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (chuckling) It was, same old cakes as before, it's exactly the same problem.

ricky: Sle- sleep eating...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: .. it's called.

steve: It was the KFC bucket again.

ricky: Oh it's- oh dear!

steve: It was the family sized KFC bucket...

ricky: Ohh dear.

steve: ...for breakfast!

ricky: Poor man. The other thing is that the d- I don't think that's a very good shock tactic for a

ricky: Doctor to tell a twenty-something, "Well, to be honest you've got twenty years to live."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's not, you kn-

steve: Doesn't mean anything when you're twenty.

ricky: And when I was 20, the thought of dying at 40 was fine.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I didn't wanna live to 40.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just thought, "Ooh, what can you do when you're 40?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Just laying round, doing nothing-"

steve: Eating cheese.

ricky: Eating cheese.

steve: And then you got there...

steve: ...and you discovered-

ricky: No, but someone sent me-

steve: It was a dream come true.

ricky: Um, Sophie here, sent me something in, she said, "I- I realise you're not Graham Norton but I had to send you this." And she sent me the top of a little cream cheesy thing, and it's- it's- the brand

ricky: Name is 'Gervais'.

steve: How odd that is. Have you be- they've named a cheese after you.

ricky: I think i- I think it's a big French company and this is from the Czech Republic, it's all over Europe. And so it shows-

steve: That would be a dream come true, wouldn't it? If they named a cheese after you.

ricky: No I think it's- I think it's uh probably, you know, ancestors and so- I've- cheese is in my blood.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Quite literally.

steve: It literally is, yeah.

ricky: Yeah! It i-

steve: Another heavy Friday night, was it?

ricky: (laughing) It- it- it c- it comes out of pores like those Play-Doh things.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I can squeeze out different shapes.

steve: "Jane, bring the Stilton in. It's Friday night."

steve: Oh, man alive.

ricky: "This isn't fried!"

steve: (laughing) Exactly.

ricky: But yeah so um, we can't really have a go at Rik Waller. I- I- I- I eat too much, but I- I exercise-

steve: Ye- yeah, but you're not big. I mean one of the other contestants on that- on the, uh, Fat Club, Celebrity Fat Club...

ricky: Oh yeah, who's in it?

steve: ...is, uh, another one is Jono, Jono Coleman.

ricky: Oh, we love Jono.

steve: Now Jono, he's- I don't know- you know Jono, he's that guy who does, um, he used to be on TV and I think he does a breakfast show on a rival station, doesn't he?

ricky: He's happy, isn't he?

steve: He's- he's so chirpy. And he's a really nice bloke, Jono, but-

karl: It's funny because he does a breakfast show on Heart.

karl: Which is- he's wrecking his own. There's a bit of irony.

ricky: Ho ho hoo! I love Karl!

steve: Thanks Karl.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: I love you.

steve: Yeah, no, I can see where you're coming from.

ricky: Yeah that's good.

steve: But we've met Jono a couple of times, we saw him at a couple of- not wishing to sound not uh- t- show off, but a couple of awards do's.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And-

ricky: Like that's showing off!

steve: But there-

ricky: Like people wouldn't be seen dead there!

steve: Well yeah but we- (laughs) we went to one where everyone was in like, tuxedos or suits and ties...

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: ...not Jono. Jono was wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts...

ricky: Big Bermuda shorts, knee length Bermuda shorts...

steve: ... and a Hawaiian shirt.

ricky: With just these little...

steve: But I saw him again-

ricky: ...tiny feet.

steve: Another time, and he had shorts on, uh...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...at a similar event, and I've seen him since in the street and he's all- I don't think... I'm wondering if he can wear trousers. I don't think he can actually wear trousers, I don't know if there's a medical reason for that. Whether he's just...

ricky: No I-

steve: ...his legs are too fat.

ricky: I think the material is a waste of money, I think it's just-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -that, you can get shorts that big and they're comfortable and uh, y'kno- what'dya- I mean, to be quite honest w- wa- I don't wanna squeeze into a tuxedo anyway.

steve: Mm.

ricky: So, uh, if you can go- I'd love to turn up to those things in Bermuda shorts.

steve: Well of course!

ricky: Flip flops... ya know b-

steve: D'you think he started off by wearing- maybe just had the upper half was a tuxedo with the tie and the thing...

ricky: And then the shorts for comfort.

steve: ...and the shorts underneath, and he would just have to come in, to kind of sneak behind, d'you know a- a- a sideboard.

ricky: Potted plants.

steve: Or a potted plant. Or his kids, bring his kids ahead of him.

ricky: Yeah. And they just go...

steve: You know, "You are wearing trousers, aren't you?" "Yeah yeah yeah!"

ricky: "You are wearing trou-" "Course I am! Yeah, yeah, yeah"

steve: Yeah! "In you go, in you go."

ricky: "Kids, move a minute" "Well no, just..."

ricky: "Leave the..."

steve: Exactly!

ricky: "they're- course I'm wearing trousers, why would I-"

steve: "Course I'm wearing trousers!"

ricky: And then he just thought, "well this isn't fooling anyone."

steve: Yeah. "So I- now I'm gonna make a wacky effort to sort of, you know, s-"

ricky: The next Sony's, I've heard he's going in a grass skirt and a garland

ricky: Around his-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he's gonna- he's gonna come in limboing.

steve: But you d- you did ask if you could go to the BAFTA's in a dressing gown.

steve: Didn't you? Umm...

ricky: Just for ease.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Come on then.

karl: But um, right there's this- talking about diets and stuff, right?

ricky: Go on.

karl: They've come up with a drug that, umm... They- they tested it out on a mouse, right?

karl: They sa- they said, you know, it's a problem that weight- weight is a big issue in the world and, you know, a lot of people are depressed and that, probably like Rik Waller, like...

steve: Well I'm depressed looking at Rik Waller.

karl: Well, you know...

ricky: Awwww!

karl: I mean you cou- you could sort out Rik by...

karl: You know, Jono is an old man, he's got loads of money...

ricky: He's not old!

karl: No but he's getting on a bit, right...

ricky: He's about my age, you f-!

karl: No but w- hang on a minute! What I mean is he does his own shopping, right? So, I bet it's hard-

ricky: Sorry! What d'ya mean?

karl: Because, he's like, uh, how old is he? Thirty five, right?

ricky: Probably a bit older.

karl: He's got loads of money, he does his own shopping, so when he goes to the supermarket and he passes, you know, the- the sponge cake section, it must be tough when you've got loads of money to burn that you go "Oh, just one more."

steve: Yeah.

karl: "One more."

ricky: Na-! I- I- ju- just, sor-! We are getting close to libel here I think.

karl: No no no!

karl: But I'm saying

karl: How it is, 'cause I've-

ricky: Right.

karl: I've tried, like, losing a little bit of weight...

ricky: Have ya?

karl: ...and it is difficult when you're, you know, you're in Waitrose and you see a little chocolate muffin and you think "Well..."

karl: "One more, and I'll do without-"

ricky: Do you like a little chocolate muffin now and again?

karl: I lo- yeah, right?

ricky: As that your favourite thing?

karl: So the thing is-

ricky: A- a chocolate, a muffin.

steve: Let him finish his point.

karl: So the thing is, right- now with Rik, he lives a home with his mam, so why doesn't his mam just say, "I'm gonna buy less this week, and if you eat it all, you're not getting any more."

steve: Yeah.

karl: That- that's sort that out...

ricky: Does he live with his mum?

steve: A short sharp shock.

karl: I bet he does, I bet he does.

steve: So you- you don't actually know if this is true or not?

karl: No but,

karl: But anyway right, so this, this drug they've come up with, is...

steve: They've tested this on mice, haven't they?

karl: They've tested-

steve: No I'm just- I'm worried if they haven't tested it on mice! Cause...

ricky: Thank God for that!

steve: They're- it's definitely been tested on mouse.

ricky: Definitely.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: But they- they fed a mouse a load of cake...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

karl: And it went a little bit chubby and they said, "Right, stop a minute." And then they gave it this drug-

steve: Yeah.

karl: -that makes you lose weight.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohh!

karl: And it- it's weight went down, but the only bad thing sign- side effect was it's eyes were popping out.

ricky: Well that seems- that seems to be fine then! Let's give it to Jono!

ricky: There doesn't seem to be any problem with that!

steve: Oh let's- let's uh, yeah, we should get some of that.

ricky: I love- "Here strewth Doc, look at these!" "Oh Jesus Johnny, your eyes are popping out!" "That happened to the mice." "Sorry?" (laughing) "That happened to the mice!"

karl: But what would you do?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: That's the option. It's like-

steve: What do you mean, "that's the option"?

ricky: So, so- I love the fact that your choice is either be like a fat happy man who has the odd sponge cake, or a stick man with eyes on stalks.

ricky: I mean Steve's chosen that.

steve: Alright, calm down...

ricky: Oh sorry mate.

steve: ... I thought we were slagging off Rik Waller and fat people.

ricky: Sorry mate. Sorry mate.

steve: Let's have a go at the fat people before we start on me, Rick.

ricky: Yeah sorry. Yeah no I didn't- I thought-

steve: D'you know what I mean, it's like-

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

steve: 'Cause I got some issues, body issues, you know.

ricky: I know.

steve: I mean, Rik Waller's grotesque, you know.

ricky: Yeah, sorry about that.

steve: I'm just a little bit weird. I mean, d'you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah, should we play a song and...

steve: Well, I'm just a little bit offended.

ricky: Alright, XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington not here. Uhh, it's the Best-Of, you've been voting in all week,

ricky: Sending your emails. So here's the clips that you wanted.

steve: So us- take us back a few steps Karl, what- what's- what's the story?

karl: Right, so I did some research, right?

steve: L-Let's just recap again, the guy- there was a guy you read about, who had his head chopped off, he was guillotined...

karl: Yeah.

steve: ...he had said to the people around him-

ricky: Count my blinks.

steve: I am going to blink once I have had my head cut off to show that life-

ricky: So the brain can still... yeah.

steve: Or the brain can continue to work after- after death.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay. So yeah, we queried that.

karl: So y-you weren't having any of it.

ricky: Well no, possibly for a few seconds, 'til th- the oxygen

ricky: Stops being fed to the cells because the blood has drained away. But, you know, noth-nothing spectacular. So, go on.

karl: Along the similar sort of lines, right. This is quite a few years ago. Umm, this fella sort of upset the royal family, doing something, right?

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: So they said uh, "This isn't good-"

ricky: Wasn't Ben Elton at that jubilee thing, was it?

karl: I can't- I can't remember what it was and they said, "Right..."

ricky: That was terrible.

karl: ... "we're gonna, uh, we're gonna cut your head off. Umm, you know...

ricky: Ohh.

karl: You gotta- you gotta show people that you can't be doing what you've been doing."

steve: What was this the nin- (laughs) the 1970s?

karl: I ca- I can't remember.

steve: When you say "a couple of years ago" you mean maybe, sort of-

ricky: Was it the olden days when the phones weren't very good?

karl: Ages- Ages ago.

ricky: Yeh.

steve: It was ages ago, sure.

karl: So ummm, so he said, "Yeah, fair enough."

steve: Yeah. (laughs) Very philosophical.

ricky: Yeah, imagine that, oh you're watching the history (illegible)-

steve: "Gonna cut your head off." "Uhh, fair enough."

ricky: "This was literally ages ago."

steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Yeah go on.

steve: Simon Scharma's History of Britain.

ricky: Yeah yeah. Ohh- "and even before that which is yonks."

steve: (laughing) Yeah!

ricky: "Before, when it was all mental and different." Sorry Karl, go on.

steve: So he's having his head cut off and he's- but he's resigned to it.

karl: No... it's the- it's the day before, he's kind of got it into his head now that,

karl: 'I'm not gonna have me head, uh, much longer.'

steve: Sure.

karl: So he said, "Let's- let's make use of this."

steve: Yeah.

karl: He said, uhhh, "I wonder how long, like, the body can stay alive...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...without the head on it." Right? So, they were like, "Ooh, I dunno." So, uh-

steve: Who were?

karl: So-

steve: The jailers?

karl: Whoever he was asking?

steve: Some rats?

ricky: These jailers with one eye.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Ahh, get up, punk!"

karl: So he said, "Look-"

steve: "Nope, wait a minute! I've got an interesting scientific experiment, jailer." "Well, fair enough."

ricky: Yeah. "What is it?"

steve: Yeah. (chuckles)

karl: So, uh, he said "What I wanna do"...

karl: Right. He said, um, "You know, surely it's- it's me last right. You know, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be dead tomorrow."

steve: Sure.

karl: "So, umm, let's do a test-"

ricky: He didn't draw it out this long, did he?

karl: Yeah, he said, "Le- let's, let's, let's test this out." You know, he said, "Do us a favour." He said, "You know, it's me last day, umm, what I want you to do is- you're gonna cut me head off. Let's put a white line on the floor..."

steve: Right.

karl: "... and see if, you know, 'cause there's no point asking how far he can sort of walk without an 'ead if there isn't a line because yo- you don't know what to count." D'you know what I mean, if it's just

karl: If he loses his head and is running around all over the place. You can't really count,

steve: Yeah, that's not impressive enough.

karl: So they said, let's make a white line

steve: Sure

ricky: Who said this? He did or they did?

karl: I think they started to join in with them and saying let's make this a

ricky: Sure. You're guessing. Go on!

steve: Have they got Morris McWerther down? The Guinnes people.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So they said, let's get this white line.

steve: Dedication is all you need

karl: And we'll do this tomorrow. He said: "alright then, I'll see you in the morning.

ricky: "See you in the morning!" "I'll see you in the morning!"

ricky: Night-night, sleep tight! Bye bye!

steve: I love the fact that Karl knows exactly what was said.

ricky: Yeah, I know, yeah.

ricky: He doesn't know the story or what order it's in, or when it was.

steve: But he knows exactly what was said.

ricky: But he knows what the interviewer has said. "Alright then, see you in the morning." "Bye, little kissy-kissy-kissy-kissy."

ricky: Oh, I'm not like that. Oh you you joker.

steve: Oh don't let the bed bugs bite!

ricky: Yeah anyway yeah.

karl: So he gets up

ricky: Do you want the paper tomorrow? No I'm alright. Go on!

karl: He gets up and they say right, you know today's the day an that.

karl: And he said: you know, I've got used to the idea, so here's a white line for you.

ricky: (laughing) "I've got used to the idea."

steve: Go on.

karl: So. So so they go, right, you ready then?

karl: He said, alright, go on. So they cut his head off

karl: And the body walked 32 steps without a head

steve: Wow

karl: 32 steps

steve: Incredible

karl: And that's that's that's the lesson really

steve: Did it get as far as to...It walked along the white line did it?

karl: Yeah, it stayed along the white line, did 32 steps and then started to stumble a bit and then just fell over.

steve: Yeah yeah

karl: But you know it was a test that your body can still keep alive for a little bit. When you've lost your head.

ricky: Absolute twaddle. Absolute twaddle.

karl: What, what do you reckon you can do then without a head? How many steps?

steve: Nothing!

ricky: There'd be muscular spasm. Right?.

steve: It would twitch a bit.

ricky: Yeah. You could not distinctly take 32 steps. The body...

karl: Hmmm

ricky: Well don't...

ricky: -sighs- Is the doctor still on the line? The fella that bought six parrots?

ricky: No, you couldn't walk 32 steps

karl: Right? So you don't beleive that

karl: But something that you do beleive is that a cockroach can live a week without a head.

ricky: It can. Slightly different. Slightly different kettle of fish there.

karl: Why?

ricky: Well, uhm insect to... a human. Is what I'm thinking. That difference.

karl: Yeah but there's not that much difference in some insects.

ricky: Of course there is!

karl: Do you know that a snake has a heart and lungs and kidneys and stuff?

ricky: Go on!

karl: No, well, I'm just saying,

ricky: So?

karl: You're making out as if either a totally different, like

ricky: Species!

ricky: I am, I am making that... call me old fashioned.

steve: Do you know what you're talking about? I don't want you to embarass yourself, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, I am suggesting they're totally different beings. Yeah, that is. Yeah.

ricky: Now, Karl the cockroach is very different thing. The interesting thing there is that it lives without it's head because a lot of its on

ricky: There's some them phototropic, chemotropic, some of them just literally have

ricky: -irritation and muscle memory. I mean they do have a central nervous system, but it's very different. So if you lose the head it bypasses a lot of that anyway. All it does is run around. The reason it dies is cos it can't take on water.

ricky: But it's very different to a man, right, having consciousness and then losing that and the body still going "oh I remember, I think I remember what I was going to do here. I'm gonna carefully walk 32 steps along this white line". I imagine he's just looking down going "oh, missed a bit".

ricky: Maybe the head's in the corner, going "left!"

ricky: "Left you... left! Oh, he's n-"

steve: Let's just put it out. I mean, if anyone listening has maybe had a relative beheaded, maybe in a horrendous car accident. But they got up, maybe they went for a walk, they had a little chat. Get in touch.

ricky: You are my favorite being. You are my favorite species.

steve: Now you Karl may not be particularly different genetically from a cockroach.

karl: Why can cockroaches do that. Why whoever made them went-

steve: Let's play a record-

ricky: Do you know when I told him this fact, I send him a little facts on text messages just to inflame his, you know, interest. I just sent him a cockroach can live nine days without its head. He texted back, "What's the point of that?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What's the point of that.

steve: They're not doing experiments, these cockroaches.

karl: It's a boring last week to have.

ricky: And he went, and on top of all that you're thirsty! So it's the worst week of your life in it that week without your head.

ricky: This is Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello.

ricky: You're listening to the best of basically Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Karl's all flustered because there isn't a record set up, but he's getting all tizzy. He's been more worried about his competition than sorting out putting records on ready.

karl: Er, I'll have to sort out Steve's Song for the Lovers.

steve: Well I'll tell you what, why don't you carry on with your Educating Ricky section, and I'll look on the on the-

ricky: We'll keep it going Steve. Go on, go on then right, okay? We've had a few emails. Anyone got it right, Karl.

steve: Ricky, Educating Ricky, that's the final one, we've gotta get that out of the way.

ricky: We've gotta get Rockbusters as well though.

steve: We can do that at the end.

ricky: Come on then.

karl: We've only got five minutes left.

ricky: Come on, just do Educating Ricky.

karl: Right. The the last one that we haven't done... He's a bit of a "noose-ance".

ricky: Go on then.

karl: Erm, again, not not really, not really that interesting.

ricky: Thanks.

karl: Erm, now well again I spoke to you in the week and I had much better things like when I told you about Brian Blessed climbing Everest. And for some reason, it made him...

karl: It played havoc with his belly and he followed through and he had to clean up.

ricky: What?

ricky: He shat himself.

karl: Yeah, using ice and snow.

ricky: Why are you telling me that Brian Blessed-

ricky: In what way is telling me that Brian Blessed shit himself once in any way educational?

karl: Because I was saying how he was climbing Everest, right? You've gotta give it to him as an actor and that, but he you gave that ago.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It played-

ricky: "What's the point of that?", you'd say, wouldn't ya.

karl: You'd say God he's, you know

ricky: Oh so he's alright uh me-me doing a boxing match for no reason is rubbish, but him climbing Everest and shitting himself--

karl: Yeah, he did that--

ricky: --is-is commendable.

karl: --right and he's only gonnna, like go and do it again. He's gonna climb it again.

ricky: Yeah but he might not shit himself this time.

karl: Yeah but what's the point in going? Nothing's changed up there.

ricky: Yeah good point, yeah good. Well, it has it has they probably uh, have probably cleared it up by now, right, but uh he'll slip on it he got...

karl: I can't be arsed telling you this one 'cause--

ricky: Come on!

karl: --to be honest--

ricky: Just do it, we'll do it now!

karl: Steve, how are we doing?

ricky: Look, no, no, never mind that. Look, just tell me what that means. Oh he's a nuisance. Oh, this is so annoying Karl, I'm gonna go mental.

karl: Right.

ricky: Talk.

karl: Right. Listen, I'm just popping--

ricky: Right.

karl: --this in here, right.

karl: Right. Nuisance, 'He's a bit of a nuisance.'

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: Apparently, the old fella who used to hang people.

karl: Erm--

steve: The 1700s?

karl: --uh--

ricky: Yep.

karl: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yep.

karl: He used to be able to tell somebody's weight just by looking at them. Alright. That's a bit of a bonus fact--

steve: We'll be the judge of that.

karl: The thing- the thing that I wanted to tell you was erm-

karl: Money for old rope, do you know that saying?

karl: I can't- I can't even be bothered.

ricky: Yes, you're gonna tell me now.

steve: Come on Karl!

ricky: I mean it.

karl: Basically money for old rope--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: --came from the- right.

ricky: What was all that about, he can tell someones weight?

ricky: What was all that for?

steve: The bonus fact.

ricky: And Brian Blessed shitting himself? What are you- what-? No don't you f-ing. Now tell me that now, you nearly made me swear then. Just- I'm getting really annoyed. I'm getting really annoyed now. Tell me this fact Karl, or I'm gonna go mental.

steve: Come on Karl, time's running out.

karl: People years ago, when people used to be hung, right?

ricky: Right.

karl: If you didn't like the person who's been hung, you'd go "God, I really don't like him," and to- and so you never forget the time he was-.

steve: Presumably if they are being hug, we'll take that as hoo-ray.

karl: Yeah,--

ricky: Right.

karl: --yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, so they never forget afterwards they get the hangman to get the rope and to cut it up into little pieces and he'd sell them.

karl: He's sell the little pieces of rope to people and--

ricky: See the-tha- Karl, that's the most interesting thing, if it's true that you've come up with.

steve: Right, okay. And so, what's-what's-you- so they sell the rope?

karl: They sell the rope and it's money for a rope.

steve: Money for old rope.

karl: Meaning like, you know, "God, it's easy to make money that- all I have to do is cut it up and sell it."

ricky: I'm-I'm cynical.

steve: I'm not so convinced now.

karl: : Right, listen. We've-we're really tight, we haven't even got time for the last track. We've got an ad break and we gotta give out.

ricky: Okay, give the answers then this is--

karl: Right--

ricky: --ridiculous.

karl: --so, Steve do you wanna pick a winner?

steve: Uh I've got a winner when you give us the answers.

karl: Okay, so the first clue was uh, 'That Army as got some well nice trenches.'

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was 'DW'

ricky: Who's that?

karl: Dandy Warhols.

steve: It's brilliant!

steve: It's brilliant!

karl: Alright?

ricky: That's good, yeah. Okay.

karl: Erm the second one, 'The top of them curtains are wrecked or the material is worn.' 'HV.' That's--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: --a Holly Valance.

ricky: Oh, he got a phone call. For-a woman saying that 'I haven't heard it,' and she went- she was- he was talking to her off-air and she went--

ricky: What is it? Uhh, soandsoso, therewascurtains, she went, "Oh right", said, "You know the thing around the top of the, uh, curtain is a pelmet, not a valence" and he went... cut her off.

karl: Yeah but, my auntie's always making valences on everything, I'll tell you about that next week. Right? Right?

steve: I'm looking forward to that story.

ricky: Is this the one that farted for five minutes?

karl: Yep! Yep, the very same.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, so, we'll talk about that. Uhh, "I was in Texas, I tripped up, I landed on me knees in a puddle." 'W.H.'

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, 'Wet-knee Houston'. Right?

steve: Wet-knee Houston.

karl: Yeah, so...

ricky: You're a maniac.

karl: So, who's the winner?

steve: We've got Pete, Katherine and Laura in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, their listening online, I assume, and uh...

karl: Or on Sky Digital.

steve: They're gonna get those great prizes, and remember they've got loads of stuff, they've got, uh, the DVD here, they've got Linda Green, got Stone Roses, they've got another compilation, and Executive Decision.

ricky: Where did you read about Brian Blessed? Is it actually true, or have you just libelled someone else-

karl: No it was a- it was an interview, with him in it, talking about it.

ricky: And what did he say?

karl: Ahhhhh... haven't got time.

ricky: Come on! What did he say?!

karl: He said "I c- I climbed Everest and, uh, it played havoc with me belly." Let's talk about it next week.

karl: We've really run out, now.

ricky: Oh, you're a fool.