XFM Vault - S02E28 Transcript

ricky: Well, here we are again. XFM on a Saturday. Just gone one o'clock Steve, if I'm very much mistaken. But we're not here...

steve: No.

ricky: ...as such. We're away again. Gallivanting around er, erm, we've got to do the special, sort of, best of again.

steve: Okay

ricky: Which we did a few weeks ago. So this is the best of the last three weeks,

ricky: Erm, which I think is... I mean, I think it's the best three weeks we've ever had. But I'd like it condensed into two hours. Erm...

steve: Yeah, yeah. Some great music as well in there?

ricky: Yeah, there'll be some great music.

ricky: Er, interspersed with, with fine chat - that you've already heard.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well except this bit, this bit's new. We've actually er, out of the kindness of our heart, we've come in, um we've come in last week.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And we've done a few clips, just cause we felt a bit guilty about shooting off. Um...

steve: Yeah. I mean, I, even now, having heard this link, I'm beginning to wonder if it was worth our time.

ricky: Oh dear!

steve: You know, I - I've said in the past to you Rick, that my grandparents - and I love them dearly - but it's like for the last 30 years they've been waiting to die.

ricky: I know, yeah

steve: It's like they just sort of, it's like the, you know, the novelty wore off of life

ricky: (laugh) Life in the 50s

steve: Yeah, got kind of bored of it. Life - yeah, in the 40s, it was brilliant, all sat around the old Joanna(?) as the bombs fell.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: Singing, they loved that. The 50s, you know, that was great as well because that was the postwar years. It was, you know, it's a bit tight in the pocket, but it was all right, everyone pulled together. Then the 60s came along all, the crazy music, the funny hair.

ricky: Let's, let's stay in bed.

steve: Exactly, they basically stayed in bed. And er, it was one Christmas when erm, my grandmother said to my dad er, "What would you like for Christmas? What do you fancy for Christmas?" And this must have been.. I dunno, 20 years ago.

steve: She said er, what do you er, what do you fancy for Christmas Ron? And he went, "Well, you know, I could do with a nice big kind of warm winter overcoat" She said, "Don't worry about that cause, don't worry about that cause your father will be dead soon. Its alright, you can have his" - meaning my granddad! Well, to be honest with you, my father's still waiting!

steve: Which is good news. Good news for my grandfather. Less good news for my father he's freezing!

ricky: He's freezing. He phones her up - "How is he today?" "He's fine" "Oh, okay... Oh, I'm freezing".

steve: It is ver- such a weird mindset that - I think it's that, to me is what sums up people from that older generation, the forties and fifties, and it

steve: Seems to me that you've got that kind of mindset. It's like you were born in the 30s. And whenever you talk about your childhood it's like, you had like a baked potato to take to school.

ricky: No, well I thi- no, I-

steve: And a stick.

ricky: The other thing is, I think that it, it, that sort of generation, it seems that the man is dependent on the woman. There's a total dependence.

steve: Absolutely, yeah

ricky: If she dies, he's done.

steve: Yes

ricky: He's done for. He'll, he'll just pine away. If he dies, she's got 30 years of pottering.

steve: Absolutely, yeah.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? And going to like, you know, the youth club and the church club

steve: I know what you mean, yeah.

ricky: But yeah, it's sort of like that, it's- it is sad, of course, it's sad for them, but it's sort- not the end of their life.

steve: No, sure

ricky: But it sort of is the other way around, I don't know why that is.

steve: Yeah

ricky: It's terrible

steve: That's a little melancholy thought for this Christmas time

ricky: I know, I've really brought it - YOU brought it down. You've brought it down. I wanted to - this isn't a nice show at all. This is terrible.

karl: Well I didn't really wanna make it -

ricky: We're gonna have people just killing themselves. What?

karl: Well, I didn't really want to make it a Christmassy type show. Cause I know you don't, you don't really like it.

ricky: Oh, he's done it again! What, we did Christmas once, didn't like it?

karl: No, it- me dad always said

ricky: Alright, steady on.

karl: Dad said Christmas morning was for like, you know, for me. So he used to stay in bed. So he, he never -

ricky: That's brilliant. That's a great thing to say innit? Yeah, yeah. Christmas is always for you. Run wild, do what you want, just don't bother me.

steve: So I'm going to Honolulu for two weeks

ricky: (laught) That's great. "Dad, it's Christmas." "Do I have to do anything?" "No."

karl: So me mam used to get up because she used to like to see me face light up, you know, when I opened the presents

ricky: (muttering)Must have give him fireworks

karl: And then, erm...

karl: Then I'd have to go to me bedroom from about six o'clock onwards, because like me mam and dad were into having big christmas parties and I wasn't like old enough to go.

ricky: Right.

karl: So they'd say "Right. You know, you've had your fun, now you go up to your bedroom- stay in there."

steve: Really?

karl: Yeah, I remember one year right, I got got a train set - that's what I wanted - right? Brilliant, err- playing with it all day and I thought "I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here playing with this". Brother comes in, he's had a few. He's going "Here you are give us a go on your train set".

ricky: How old is he?

karl: He's a bit older than me. So he might have been like, err- let's see...

ricky: Well, let him be 18.

karl: Yeah, probably about 18, 19... summat like that.

ricky: And how old were you?

karl: I was, well, I had a train set so... I dunno about--

steve: 14.

karl: Summat like that. Right, so err- so I'm playing on that, loving it and stuff and then he comes in and goes "oh give us a go". He turns the transformer up to like fourteen, it went really fast for about five seconds. Broke it... and then he went back downstairs.

steve: Wow.

karl: So christmas- I hadn't even got me christmas err--

steve: Sounds like the err- conservative government with err- British Rail.

ricky: Satire that is.

steve: Sat- Rick I just thought that then! It's satire! If there's any satirical shows listening or--

ricky: It doesn't work- it doesn't work in any way because there's- the analogy falls down apart from there being a train.

steve: No, think it through though. British Rail is trains--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And the government broke the trains in many- well they didn't break them like not officially breaking them but they kind of--

ricky: Oh, yeah it does work, it's perfect.

steve: (laughing) Ohh, I'm very pleased with that.

ricky: And I can't- and- no one's asked him to be on Have I Got News For You?

steve: It weird isn't it? Because it is strange that--

ricky: Yeah!

steve: When you've got satirical mind that- that's as quick as that.

ricky: Yeah... And it- err- broke your little train set so what did you do?

karl: I just like watched telly and had some sausages.

ricky: I bet you were happy with that though weren't you?

karl: Well, it's a bit annoying though innit when your main present of the year has been broke.

ricky: And it did ever get fixed.

karl: No, that was it- that was it, put away--

steve: I'm intrigued why your parents wouldn't let you come and join in the festive fun, was it like really debauch down there? Was it like eggnog everywhere?

karl: Nah--

ricky: Well no, but I mean- that's fair enough. 6 is a little bit early, but I just think, you know, if your- your kid- you know, he had his fun put him to bed- put him to bed at 8 maybe.

steve: You think so? On christmas day? I thought that was a day for family?

ricky: Well not if there's a party going on.

steve: Well don't have the party on christmas day, that's my point.

ricky: Well that's- that's another option.

steve: Yeah... your parents are weird aren't they? They're a strange breed.

karl: Well, I think that was the year, right, I err- you're talking about buying presents and stuff. I think I did treat me mam to- I didn't buy me dad anything, I think that was like when I got a bit older I used to get me dad something cause he wasn't that bothered anyway.

steve: No.

ricky: No...

karl: So err- got me mam err- there was a cheap shop-

steve: (chuckling) Of course!

ricky: Thank god for that.

karl: Err- called Snips, alright?

karl: So I went in there and I thought "let's see what I can get her." and remember err- Victoria Plum?

steve: I don't think so.

karl: Well it's like a fairy character, right?

steve: Right.

karl: And me mams into gnomes and stuff, right? So... I thought "right..."--

steve: She must be pleased with you then!

ricky: Ahh Victoria Plum, I was thinking "is that one of the neighbours? Is it- is it like a brandy liqueur??"

steve: Do you remember Victoria Plum?

ricky: Victoria Plum?

karl: Victoria Plum, yeah, it's like a little fictional sort of character.

steve: Ok.

karl: So err- so I saw it and I thought "yeah she'll love that", right? So I did me paper round, saved up for two weeks right.

ricky: Awww.

karl: Got that sorted, went to snips, bought the err- Victoria Plum. Next day I'm in town with her, right? So I think "Ahh I know what I'll do", I said "Come- come in here a minute", right? Err- so we go in and we're looking around and I tested her, right? I went "look at that there, that's alright innit?" and she goes "Oh it's bloody awful."

ricky: Aww Karl. Aw Karl, I just- I- I- oh god...

karl: So then christmas day comes and I said "don't bother opening it" and she says "no, no, why??" and I said--

ricky: Oh no! Why did you still give it to her??

karl: So- well it was too late, I'd already bought it.

ricky: Aw Karl.

karl: So she opened it and I was like "ugh" and she said "Oh that's nice" and I said "Why are you saying that? the other day you were saying it's bloody awful!" she said "Oh no, I thought you're pointing at something else."

ricky: Ohhhhh nooo!

karl: So that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore.

ricky: (cackling) Oh god! Play a record! Oh god! Oh!

ricky: XFM 104.9, We're not here. Errm- this next clip is one of my favourite clips. Look, it needs no introduction, here it is.

karl: Something err-

karl: Something else we're giving away--

ricky: Go on.

karl: The Shining.

ricky: It's more throwing away innit?

steve: Once again--

ricky: Is it on video?

steve: Once again it's on VHS...

ricky: Just because you buy out of your own money, Karl. Stop being so mean!

karl: And I want to watch it tonight because its one of those films that errm.

steve: (laughing) So you're going to watch this video and then you're going to send it to someone as a prize?

karl: Yeah, its one of them films that--

ricky: Sorry, you just said yes to that without blinking!

karl: Well yeah. You don't think like Les Dennis doesn't have a quick go in the car, on Family Fortunes, before he gives that away?

steve: It costs £5.99

ricky: (mumbling) Has a go at those his and her towel racks.

steve: It costs £5.99 Karl.

ricky: Ok, this is Karl in in the classic, The Shining.

karl: And what's the question?

ricky: Well we might ask that afterwards.

karl: Ok then.

karl: Alright? Still err- still trying to write the err- the book then?

jack torrance: Yes.

karl: Good... funny someone told me the other day, weird thing about typewriters: the top row of letters, the longest word you can write is "typewriter". Right? I'll just- just show you- just-

karl: That's weird innit? It's just- the typewriter being... you're not- you're not in the mood are you? You're just gonna- you're in one of those grouchy moods again that you get into when you're writing.

jack torrance: I'm not being grouchy, I just want to finish my work.

karl: Yeah just- just- just being a bit funny, being a bit offhand and that.

jack torrance: Let me explain something to you.

karl: Go on.

jack torrance: Whenever you come in here and interrupt me you're breaking my concentration, you're distracting me and it will then take me time to get back to where I was. Understand?

karl: Yeah but, I j- I just was coming in to try and cheer you up. You know, if your... I mean I- I'm full of ideas as well, you know, if you're having a problem coming up with stuff, got loads of stuff- loads of ideas you could write about. The other day I read about this Hairy Chinese Kid.

jack torrance: What do you want me to do about it?

karl: No it's just that it- it could make a g- a good book, d'you know what I mean? Sort of follow him round, uhh...

jack torrance: That's swell.

karl: Well, I'd buy it.

karl: You know. But, if you don't wanna know...

karl: Won't have to, don't bother doing it,

karl: D'you know what I mean? I just- Hairy Chinese Kid, it's- it's weird because they're not normally that hairy over there. Yet, this kid, caked in it. But if you don't care-

jack torrance: I wouldn't touch one hair on his God damn little head.

karl: You wouldn't have to touch any hair on his head. Like I say, he's covered, leave the head alone if you want, touch his hands. He's- he's totally covered in it but I- I-

jack torrance: I love the little son of a bitch!

karl: Well, don't go that far you haven't met him! But I can sort it out.

jack torrance: I'd do anything for him.

karl: I don't think he'd expect that much.

karl: Just, take him to the barbers three or four times a week. You know, he's a good- good little kid. In fact I'll do it. I think I'll write a book on him, Yeah?

jack torrance: And do you think you can handle that?

karl: Yeah.

jack torrance: You're not too busy, are ya? (laughs)

karl: Well I- yeah I-I'm pretty busy, I've gotta sort out some, uh, some monkey facts for the show this Saturday, but I'd- I reckon I can still-

jack: Why don't you start right now and get out of here?

karl: Alright, I will, if you're gonna be like that.

karl: Couldn't borrow a pen, could I?

karl: See you later.

ricky: There you go.

steve: Haunting.

ricky: Haunting stuff there, Karl Pilkington in The Shining.

steve: You know in the film Jack Nicholson goes crazy because, the suggestion is he's maybe possessed by demons that maybe, uh, are in the- in the hotel. But, you know, if I was stranded in a desolate hotel, removed from all human contact with Karl, I'd go mental with an axe...

steve: ...without being possessed by demons. That's more chilling to me; trying to get some work done and you keep wandering in.

ricky: I'm trying to get Karl to spend a

ricky: Couple of days in a caravan with me.

ricky: Just for the hell of it, and he- he was- he won't. I've offered him money, won't I? I th- I think it'll be a great laugh, won't it Karl?

karl: Oh yeah, it'd be great.

steve: That would be terrifying.

ricky: No I- I wanna film it, I just wanna film it.

steve: The two of you-

ricky: Like a little video diary: "There's Karl there, he's just waking up." And-

karl: Well, just-

steve: If I was stranded in the there, that would be like being- I may as well be with Freddie Krueger and Jason Voorhees.

steve: It- that's, that's more scary.

karl: The thing is...

steve: The two of you.

karl: ...Ricky doesn't mess you about as much as he messes me about.

steve: No well you see, you've given him an inch. You've given him an inch and he's taken a yard.

karl: 12:30 you got in today. In uh thirty minutes between 12:30 and 1:00 the old 'bin lid on the head'- he wanted to do that again.

steve: Yep.

karl: Uhh, squeezing me head, I think he had a go at. And a karate chop on the back of the n- neck.

steve: Yeah.

karl: All in thirty minutes.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Who else can say that?

ricky: (laughing) "Who else can say that?" "Who else can say-"

steve: Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais Show, with Steve Merchant - hello there.

ricky: Yep.

steve: And, um, we're not here this week. We're off, jetting around the world, so we've pre-recorded these links. Uh, the time is currently somewhere between one and three o' clock.

ricky: So, a time check there from Steve Merchant.

steve: No problem.

ricky: Yeah, and uh, ooh what about this weather? Um, isn't it warm... stroke... edit that, Karl... cold? Okay? Whichever one. Um...

steve: Mmm. I'm pleased to see that the congestion charge has had some considerable effect... had no effect.

ricky: So just... yeah. Um, oh wasn't that great on telly last night? The film.

steve: (laughing) I particularly enjoyed last night's Eastenders... Coronation Street... Brookside.

ricky: Okay, yeah but...

ricky: Ooh, those boys can rock there. That's the Guns with all their Roses and Sweet Child O' Mine.

steve: Ha ha. Ah...

ricky: On Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais.

steve: I enjoyed that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That was good.

ricky: It rocks, it rocks.

steve: I hope the audience was playing it loud like we were.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Well... look at him yawning. How rude is that?

steve: Karl, what's wrong with you, man? Have you been up late?

karl: (weary) Little bit.

steve: (laughing) Girlfriend was away wasn't she, yesterday?

karl: Yeah, I always have a problem with that. I always have... 'cos you don't go to bed do you - early? Do you know what I mean? You sort of think...

steve: What?

karl: I just always find that thing that... you know, you're used to living with someone.

steve: Yeah.

karl: One of you will go "Oh let's go to bed then." You'll go "Alright." Um, but when you're on your own you go "Oh..."

steve: You just forget to go to bed?

ricky: And she goes "Okay, stop eating now Karl. You've ate all the food, that's just the plate." "Oh, alright, okay."

karl: Nah, I just, I stayed up and watched, um... there was a thing on about Dracula.

steve: (laughing) Right. What, 'Dracula'?

karl: And I found a flaw in it.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Not the fact that he's the living dead and...

karl: No.

ricky: ...and he drinks blood to stay alive and he doesn't reflect in mirrors? Go on.

steve: And he can turn into a bat?

karl: Well, the mirror thing. He can't look in mirrors, can he?

steve: Well he can look in mirrors, but he can't see himself in a mirror.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right that still doesn't work.

steve: Okay, go on.

ricky: Go on. It doesn't work at all Karl. It doesn't work anyway-

steve: Come on- no ehhhhhh

ricky: Well.

karl: Centre parting's always really neat.

steve: His centre parting's always really neat.

ricky: (laughing) How does he do it if he can't look in a mirror?

karl: Bl- 'Blood on the floor' or something, it was called. Rubbish.

ricky: (laughing) I love the flaw in the Dracula film is that 'his centre parting's too neat, how did he do it without a mirror?' Ohhhh!

steve: Was it a documentary about Dracula?

karl: Nah, there was-

ricky: The real Dracula, the real Dracula that-

steve: (laughing) Yeah, the real Dracula, the true-

karl: It's just a film it c- 'Blood on the floor' or something, it's called. It's rubbish.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yep. We had a little lunch yesterday, didn't we?

steve: We did indeed, that was a nightmare.

ricky: Yeah. We-

steve: I hate going out with you two.

ricky: I was explaining to Karl, right, I- I like to excite Karl's imagination, right? And, uh um, if it involves chimps or monkeys all the better. Um, brains he likes, parts of the body, deformity. You know, I kn- I know where to, you know, what buttons to push, and um, I told him about this thing I don't know if, uh- uh, any of you out there, um, know about this. Um, but there's- there- an experiment they did in the- in the 50's, um a ps- uhhh, clinical psychology experiment where there's- your two

ricky: Hemispheres of the brain, okay? They're joined by a thing called the corpus callosum, right? Which is just a little f- flap of skin, like a little SCART lead that joins your two hemispheres. And what they did, they cut that in half and they thought it was a cure for schizophrenia, but what it turned out to be- or epilepsy I think, I can't remember, um uh, was that your two sides of your brains didn't function together, you couldn't get information. I was telling Karl all this thing and I- one of the things I told him was that they did it on a monkey and it fought itself over a nut. Like its right arm was connected- f- you know, by its left

ricky: Lobe of the brain, and it was fighting over itself and Karl went- instead of like thinking this is amazing, and experiment a- he went, "Would it- would it have been happy if you'd given it two nuts?"

steve: (laughs) Yeah, I know. Well, you started off by explaining it and I remember you mention I- because I was watching the two of you as you were describing it to him. You said, "Of course one side of the brain deals with, uh, symbolism." And as you said the word 'symbolism', I noticed Karl drift away from looking at you, pick up him mobile phone and start pressing buttons randomly.

steve: And, I- I thought it was the word 'symbolism' that got him, and I noticed you-

steve: Took you just a moment longer, and I think the first thing you said was, "When did I lose you?"

ricky: Yeah, I knew I'd lost him.

steve: It is extraordinary- and he doesn't even try to disguise it!

ricky: I- I said "nomenclature" at one point as well...

steve: Right, yeah.

ricky: ...and I kn- I knew I was dicing with death there.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: But um, (...) you tried to look it up, didn't you? On the- on the web, you didn't find anything about it, did ya?

karl: Yeah the spelling, the spelling of it's... what- what is it again, what's the word?

ricky: Corpus callosum.

karl: Yeah, sort of- couldn't put- couldn't do it, couldn't put-

ricky: No, there's no point, don't bother.

steve: Give up.

ricky: Don't bother.

steve: Give up.

ricky: Um, so any- if anyone knows any interesting facts about that, that uh...

steve: I don't suppo- yours hasn't been cut in half, has it Karl? That would- again, might explain something.

karl: I tell you what we will be talking about later. I don't know if your, you- your sort of aware of 'em Steve?

steve: Go on.

karl: Bonobos.

ricky: Ohh, I told him about-

steve: I don't know much about Bonobos.

ricky: I told him about 'em, he was looking for stuff. I said, "Put in Bonobo", he was having no luck with 'chimp'. Um, and they're uh, they're a f- they're a form of chimpanzee but, um, they- they're even closer to us, evolutionarily speaking, they've got- their social, um, groups are more like ours, they're- they're more intelligent. And he was loving it, weren't ya? It's the look of 'em.

steve: So is it- is it: 'Human, Bonobo, Karl'?

ricky: (scoffs) Yeah, yeah.

steve: Is that how it works on the evolutionary ladder?

ricky: No; 'Chimp, Karl'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Talking 'bout 'em.

steve: We'll be talking about bonobos, you're excited about that.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: That's uh, coming up in uhh, Monkey News?

karl: Uhhhh... No I think it's a bit of a, Monkey Bonus.

steve: That was great. That was very very funny indeed.

ricky: What a wonderful clip that was.

steve: I enjoyed it.

ricky: D'you remember that?

steve: I- yeah.

ricky: Yeah, well, it was only a coupl- few weeks ago, wasn't it really, I mean...

steve: I think it was last week.

ricky: We'd have to have very, very bad memories not to remember that hilarious... clip. I'd like to hear that again maybe in a couple of week's time when I'm away.

steve: Yes! Absolutely.

ricky: I- is- this embarrassing, innit?

steve: Mhm.

ricky: And we, you know. But you know the good thing is, o-on telly I feel a bit guilty about putting out shoddy rubbish because I'm getting paid an awful lot.

steve: Yes.

ricky: But here... you know, I- I don't give a s***! They can bleep that.

steve: They will do, they will do.

ricky: Bit of David Bowie. When's that ever hurt anyone Steve?

steve: Never.

ricky: Lady Stardust off Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington is in the middle of educating me. 'Colon then, educate me'.

karl: Did I tell you the time...

karl: When, uh, the doctor said I was going to die?

steve: Alright, keep talking

karl: Right, ages ago, umm, must have been about fifteen, right? And, uhh

karl: At lunch time, there was this... we used to have a choice of stuff to do at lunch time, right? Used to have, umm, like a- like a burger place, that had an arcade machine in it, right? So we used to go there, have a play on that and have a burger. Or, there was this bakers, right, that me Mam worked at. And, uh, did great cakes and stuff, right. So, um,

karl: She used to like bring some home and that, but she couldn't always bring them home every night because, you know, the-they'd cost money and she used to get 'em for free, and they used to say: they'd rather chuck them away than give 'em to the staff because there's a chance that the cream might be off.

steve: Right.

karl: Right? So they used to chuck 'em round the back.

karl: So I used to go round the back with me mate. And eat a load.

ricky: Brilliant. Scavengi- eating out of bins.

karl: Nah it was really- it wasn't out of bins, they were still in trays but they just stacked them up near the bins, right? So this got out, I mean it used to be chocka!

karl: Once the school found out, everybody used to go there and it'd be like, well 'ave a cake...

steve: The headmaster crawling through 'em.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Fighting the kids off.

karl: Right, so I'd like, y'know, you just eat, I dunno six jam doughnuts or something, and then you'd spend your dinner money on the arcade machine.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Right? So it was a good- good afternoon really, right. So, you'd do that and, this one day I must have had, six or seven, uh, jam doughnuts, few congress tarts, uh...

ricky: What's a congress tart?

karl: Just, I love 'em, It's me fav- I can't get 'em in London,

karl: Right? So, I'd have some of them-

karl: Uhh, and I think maybe-

ricky: Uh, if anyone can get a congress tart, um, for Karl in London, please let him know.

karl: So anyway, this day, that was just a normal day, d'you know what I mean you'd, once or twice a week you'd have a load of cake.

steve: In your life, yeah.

karl: So anyway-

ricky: Yeah, a normal day in your life, and were the frog boys there, with the- with the, webbed hands and the big heads?

karl: So...

ricky: And the horse in the settee, uh, ya.

karl: But the day after one of these days I had really bad cramp in me belly, right?

steve: Oh dear.

karl: I was like, in agony, could hardly walk, so I said to me Mam: "Hahh

steve: Hardly stagger to the free cakes.

karl: So, um, I was in absolute agony. I said I think, "I don't like doctors but you'll have to get a doctor in because I don't know what it is, I can't walk." She gets a doctor round, uh, won't say his name but he said, uh, he said, "Well, doesn't look like he's got long left."

steve: Blimey.

karl: So I was a bit like, "Hang on a minute, I've had a few cream donuts."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Me mam was panicking.

steve: Sure.

karl: He went. Me dad came in from work, she said, "Ohh, something's really bad with Karl, I think it's serious. He's- you know, the doctor said 'he ain't got long left.'" So he said, "What? He said that and just left?" So she said "Yeah." "So I'll have to call him then." So he called him up, said uh, "What's all this about, you know, 'Karl hasn't got long left'? How long has he got?" So he goes, "Ohh, I was only messing! He's just got- he's just had some bad cream."

karl: Can you believe that?

ricky: Well, the thing is, Karl-

steve: (laughing) I like the fact you're mum didn't ask any questions...

ricky: I know.

karl: Yeah but she doesn't-

steve: ...she didn't go into detail. Or, "Can you explain more, doctor?" "No I gotta shoot off."

karl: No but she doesn't, she doesn't like talking-

ricky: You know, I don't wanna diss you or your family, but I imagine if I was there, I'd have known the doctor was joking.

steve: (laughing) Yeah.

ricky: That's all I'm saying, I mean I- I- I- I- I sound very arrogant there, but I imagine he went, "What's he been doing?" "I had about six cream donuts." "Ah right, oh well, he hasn't got long to live then, I'll see ya later!"

ricky: That's what

ricky: I think the doctor did.

steve: (laughing) Yeah. I just love the idea your mum just let him go!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Terrified, thinking "Well, I'm not gonna probe him, he's- he's- that's it then."

ricky: Dad comes in, "Hi Honey, I'm home! Anything happened?" "Umm, D-Doctor said Karl's gonna die and then left."

ricky: "Did he? I'll call him."

karl: But anyway, that's why, uh, these sort of things fascinate me.

ricky: Right.

karl: So, we'll move on to this next one right, which is brilliant.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: Dead short story, so. Right, uh, old woman, about 70 years old.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, she's normally fit

karl: And healthy and stuff, nothing wrong with her, she's having a good life. And, uh, one day she goes for a check, to the doctors.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Just to check herself out, 'cause she's getting on a bit.

ricky: Yep. Yeah.

karl: Uhh, he says, "Take you clothes off" and that. So, she does, and uh checks her out, he says, "Yeah you're looking good, you're looking good. Uh, turn round." Uh, he said "Oh God." He said, "You got uh a tumor on your buttock."

karl: Right? So she goes, "Oh, what can- can you do anything to sort it out?" So they go, "Yeah yeah yeah, we c- book you in for an operation, it's best if we remove this. Booked her in for an operation, operation day comes, strip her down and that, they're all stood round, the doctors.

karl: Start to operate, it only turns out it's a pork chop that she's sat on five years earlier, and it had stuck to her buttock.

ricky: Right, Karl...

steve: (laughing, high pitched) What?!

karl: I can forward you-

ricky: Right, I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm not-

karl: Honest-

ricky: Right I but I c-

karl: No, listen! Serious!

ricky: Right okay, Karl, I'm telling you now

ricky: I'm leaving! I'm never-

karl: No!

ricky: I'm never- I'm never doing this show again!

karl: No I'm seri- honestly.

ricky: You're talking a- I- I've never heard any- such bo-! What do you mean you couldn't believe it?

karl: No, when I read it I said I've gotta tell Ricky about-

ricky: (shouting) This woman had a pork chop stuck to her arse for five years, you mental case! Course she didn't!

steve: That is a blinding record and before that Rick, what did you make of those adverts, they were great weren't they...

ricky: I like them, yeah, I'm gonna buy all them products on the way home.

steve: ...and that's endorsed by Ricky Gervais. He's won awards. Rick, d'you remember this, this was a hilarious moment.

ricky: No.

steve: No you'll remember this, when you hear it.

ricky: Go on.

steve: It was when Karl said something that was basically, well, I think for a lot of people, it sounded like a lot of old bollocks.

ricky: What have we got now?

karl: Right, so we- we're looking to animals that we're getting rid of. I've spoken to someone about snails, I've spoke to someone about jellyfish. And that. And, uh...

karl: Looking at cockroaches today.

steve: She is an expert? She's just not- not just some random person?

karl: No, she works in a museum. Where- a good Museum, I said I'd give it a plug. It's the one near Knightsbridge, it's got dinosaurs and that in it, it's worth seeing. And this is her-

ricky: What? Natural history museum?

karl: Yep. So, uh...

steve: He's not sure. He's not sure.

ricky: Go ahead.

karl: This is what happened.

karl: Now, what I'll do, I'll tell you... as much as- as I know, and then you can fill me in, if I'm right or wrong. And then, at the end of it, we'll get to the bottom of whether we need them or not.

judith: Okay.

karl: All right, so, uh, first of all, uh, the first thing that I c- that I found out is that, uhm... that they have eigh- 18 knees.

judith: Ah... that's not exactly possible. They're insects. So they have six legs.

karl: Yeah.

judith: And a knee is usually the junction between femur and tibia, that sort of classic human knee, and every other animal knee. So, with six legs, it can only have six knees.

karl: Could somebody, sort of, got mistaken for... seeing one that was a bit double-jointed. Cover tracks.

judith: I-I think you're grasping at straws or something-

karl: All right, well uh- well we might have to come back to that one then. They can hold their breath for 40 minutes.

judith: Well, they don't do that... because they don't breathe in the same way as us. They breathe through little spiracles, holes down they- the side of the body. So... um... no.

karl: If it-

juith: They're not a very apt simile, because the- the method of breathing is so different.

karl: What do you mean?

judith: Because insects have a... a totally different system, they don't have lungs in the way that we do. Just breathing through one part of the body. They're actually breathing through every segment of the body, all of the time.

karl: So even though they've got their mouth shut, they might be having a sly-

judith: The mouth has nothing to do with breathing.

karl: So just-

judith: Only feeding.

karl: So, you see, maybe that's... where someone's gone wrong. Someone's got hold of one and, sort of... taped its mouth up or something. And...

judith: Thought it was-

karl: Got bored after 40 minutes. And said well we'll call it right-

judith: Again that sounds a pretty unkind thing to do to an insect, even a cockroach.

karl: Yeah but it's all-

judith: Can't do that.

karl: Yeah, but-

judith: No. Pretty unkind thing to do anything- to anything, even a cockroach.

karl: Something else I found out.

judith: Yeah...?

karl: They can live for a week without an 'ead.

judith: Well, that's true, if they don't bleed to death in the process.

karl: But the weird thing is, when I told you that they had 18 knees, you seemed a bit sort of... like, "don't- don't talk ridiculous," but then we're talking about an animal that can live without an 'ead.

judith: Uh...

karl: So- so there's a little bit of truth in that one, yeah?

judith: Yes...

karl: Why, when it was invented, has it got that facility?

karl: Say if someone said to humans: "we could do that with humans. And, you know, if you lose your head in some... accident, it gives you a bit of time to sort of go back to you- to your family, and maybe write them-

karl: Write them a note. You wont be able to have a chat with them, but write a note saying: "it was me own fault," and, uh, "it was nice knowing you." Ah-

judith: Oh, well, it would be a useful facility, I agree. But cockroaches are great survivors. I mean, they've been around for over 300 million years. They're one of the most primitive insects...

karl: Alright. Well I've also, um- is it true that they do a lot of resting? Apparently they can, sort of, rest. For 75% of the time.

judith: Rest...

karl: Yeah. They just- just sit about. Doing nothing.

judith: It's probably true of a vast proportion of- of the world's fauna.

karl: I mean maybe- maybe the 25% that they are workin' they're really giving it some, so it might make up-

judith: And they're probably searching out food and, uh... yeah. They can slow down considerably. You can chill insects in the fridge and they'll become... very, very quiet. You might think they're dead, but they're-

karl: Yeah but I'm sure, you know, if- if we were sat in a fridge. We- you know, we'd go a bit quiet, wouldn't we? You know.

judith: I... well you might not know much about it, of course.

karl: Yeah, but...

judith: You're not quite reading the- the right... sources.

karl: Well, I've been using the internet.

judith: I'm sure there are many useful sources that you could find there, but some of those seem to have been a little, um, misleading to you.

karl: So... so you don't agree with... with... a lot of what I've told you there...

judith: No.

karl: So, cockroaches... can we get rid of them?

judith: No.

karl: So we're keeping them then?

judith: I would say so, yes.

ricky: I think we should get her on more often, because... she sounds like she'd be a bit of an ally, really. 'Cause she knew, immediately, that you were talking nonsense. She even said "I think you should be more concerned about your sources," which I've been trying to tell you for a year. A'ight? The fact- I mean... I'm- "18 knees." Where did you get that from?

karl: It was, uh... it was on the internet.

ricky: Uh- they can "hold their breath" for fourty minutes.

ricky: I mean... I don't know what- I don't know what you read and take on.

karl: Mad world though, innit.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Karl is actually in a little booth. We're not in the studio, you see, this is pre-recorded. We recorded this last week, cos we're away, and this is sort of like the 'best of.' Best of the last three weeks, since the last time we were away when we put out the 'best of'...

ricky: Okay, what’s the next one, what’s the next Educating Ricky?

karl: Well, I don’t know uh… see, like I say, I was loo—looking around and there’s stuff that… is interesting… right, I was looking on the Web…

ricky: But there’s no point.

karl: Well, it’s just that I found one about, uh…

ricky: What’s the point?

karl: …about a lad who, uh, eight years old…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …b—but he’s still breast-fed.

karl: Now, I don't know if you can get anything out of that.

ricky: Is that what his mum said?

karl: So-

ricky: What d'you mean "I don't know if you can get anything out of that"? You don't need to.

karl: No it's- it's just that, you know-

ricky: Where did you read that?

karl: That was on the internet.

ricky: (laughing) Oh. Well, yeah.

karl: Umm...

steve: You're always unsubsi- unspecific when you mention it, it's just "it was on the internet".

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well I'm trying to think what I put in, I think I put in 'Why?' to see if I'd

karl: Confuse a computer.

karl: And then-

ricky: Karl! You are-

karl: No I did- I did-

ricky: You- no, honestly.

karl: I did a search, put in 'Why', and I ca- it came up with funny things that like, 'Why is this person doing that, why is that-' and it had a picture of this eight year old lad, sort of, you know, on his mam's nipple. And, umm, it was saying, you know...

ricky: (laughing) Oh God.

karl: Is- is- is this healthy?

steve: Mm. Mm. Are you sure that wasn't asking you that question?

ricky: (laughing) Ah- what- he put- "I put in 'Why' to confuse a computer"!

steve: (laughing) Just to confuse the computer!

ricky: Like there are people going, "What d'you mean?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Stop it!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohh! Look y-

karl: But uhh-

ricky: Last week, I- I was walking, um uhh, home with him and I went uh- he was saying summat stupid and I went, "I've got a competition for next week. Let's do a phone-in, and it's called 'Karl Pilkington: Genius or Fool?'"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right? And he went, "No. No." I went, "Why not?" He went, "Well, wahh- it'd be confusing 'caus- 'cause they say 'there's no difference between genius and being a fool.'"

karl: They do though, don't they?

ricky: No that's- no no...

steve: Who say th- who says that?

ricky: ...but i-

ricky: It's rubbish, and people say, "There's a fine line between madness and genius." And-

karl: Well.

ricky: You know, it's a ridiculous sound bite. Uhh, they don't say, "There's fine line between a genius and an idiot."

steve: Well, the people who do are idiots.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah! Yeah.

karl: So what- what would you do there, thought? Just to sort of wrap that little thing up, what would you do? That lad loves his mam's, his mam's milk.

ricky: What are you try- what are you asking me to come up with?

karl: No, I'm just-

ricky: A title for the, the story-

karl: No no no no, it's just, it's just what would you do? Right, I think I think-

ricky: What d'you mean 'What would I do?'

karl: Well, it's causing a bit of the problem in the area, right?

ricky: What area?!

karl: In- in America, I think it was.

ricky: Oh America are- a problem, are they? George Bush is worried about this kid...

karl: Well, no-

ricky: Who's breastfeeding at eight?

karl: Right, imagine it like this, right?

ricky: Right. N- n- so Karl, what are you asking me? About this spurious story you saw on 'The Internet'.

karl: I saw it on the internet...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...there's an eight year old lad, he likes his mam's milk.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, it's saying, "Is this right, should it be going on?"

ricky: No it's not but what I- what-

steve: What d'you want Ricky to do about it, it's not his responsibility!

ricky: (laughing) Yeah! Yeah.

karl: No but, but the little town that he lives in, they're all

karl: Causing an uproar, right?

karl: Going, "This isn't right." You know-

steve: No.

karl: "I can't let me kid play out in case he's in the garden with his mam getting a bit hungry." Right? So...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Oh God.

karl: ... what should they do? Because his mam's saying, "Well he likes it."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he, you know...

karl: What- so what do you do?

ricky: I don't know the laws.

karl: No but I'm not asking you to sort out the laws, I'm just saying if you lived in that neighbourhood...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...what would you s- if you went up to them and said, "Look, everyone's getting a bit fed up with this, love."

ricky: I'd s- wha- wha- what- what would I do? What d'you mean what would I do?

ricky: What- what are you asking me?

karl: Right, it doesn't matter.

ricky: No no no no, what are you asking me? What are you asking me and Steve, and the public?

karl: Look, I'm just saying, say if you lived next door to this woman...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...right? The kid's hungry, eight years old

karl: He's out playing on this bike and he goes, 'mam, I'm getting a bit peckish' and she goes 'All right, son'. She wops one out

karl: And he starts having his... having his milk. Right. You live next door. You're putting your washing out and you see this going on. You getting a bit sick of it cause it's gone on for months.

ricky: 8 years I assume

steve: Why is it your business? Why are you- Why are you such a nosy neighbor that you're concerned?

ricky: What would you do, Karl? let's turn it back on him.

steve: Yeah

ricky: What would you do?

steve: What's your solution?

ricky: What would you do?

karl: Well, I thought I'd say, 'right, why are you doing this?' and she'd say 'because he likes it' and I go 'All right, then. Put it in a bowl first'

ricky: Genius

steve: And you think that would sort that out?

karl: No, because I was thinking that the whole thing, right? And you do that when you're a baby and everything's all right, in it?

steve: Yeah

karl: No one bats an eyelid at a little baby, I'm having a bit of milk from its mam's breast, right?

ricky: No

steve: Yeah

ricky: You'd almost say it was natural.

karl: But you grow out of it. That's why you don't see. It got me, think about things you don't see. And you don't see-

ricky: Did you put this into into a computer? 'Show me things you don't see'?

steve: What else don't you see?

karl: Well, you don't see, like, an old man having a Twix.

karl: You never-

karl: So what-

ricky: Oh...oh

ricky: You know the terrible thing about all this, Steve? Is he's right?

steve: You don't see an old man eating a Twix

ricky: I know that's the terrible thing

karl: But - but-

karl: So what they have got, right, they've made old man toffees haven't they? They've come up with Werther's.

ricky: Old man toffees? Is that a song? 'old m-' oh god! You don't see an old m-

karl: So they've got their Werther's, right?

ricky: Yeah

ricky: Look at 'im. You'd think he was giving a lecture at Oxford.

karl: Forget it. Forget it. It's not going anywhere.

ricky: No go on, sorry, go on.

karl: I'm just saying

ricky: Right

karl: You grow out of things

ricky: Yeah

karl: And the old man, I'm sure when he was a kid, he'd have a Twix.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Now it doesn't look right

ricky: 'It doesn't look right'!

karl: So -

steve: I don't think Werther's Originals were specially designed for old people. I think they were sweets that just happen to have been made for years. That's why old people eat them.

ricky: Yep

steve: They didn't go, 'Hang on, there's a market here'. I've noticed old people aren't eating Twixes. Quick, Let's make some-

ricky: Yeah

steve: -Old man sweets

ricky: But the then in the little advert, he gives it to his grandson as well, doesn't he? He goes 'have a Werther's Original'.

steve: Ah I think it cuts there before he throws it back in his face and says 'get get me a Twix'

ricky: XFM 104.9. We're not here. Um-

steve: It is a bit like being Denis Norden playing some great uh... great moments from the show

ricky: I was just imagining Denis Norden one day, sort of just like waking up out of his stupor, he's doing he's going and going to his producer 'I've just seen a couple of my programs. I just saw-'

steve: It'll be alright on the night 18.

ricky: It's shit

steve: It's terrible

ricky: 'Why didn't- why didn't someone tell me?' 'Well we- we didn't want to upset you because uh, you know.' 'but I've been doing it way too long. Were you just going to let me go on forever?' 'well until you died, yeah.' 'Well why can't my son take over?' 'Well he's 80, Dennis'

steve: 'And the jokes I'm doing, they're awful. They're just-'

ricky: 'why have I got that clipboard?'

steve: 'I've written these jokes, they're not funny. There's an audience there laughing, what are they laughing at?'

ricky: They're not laughing, they're not. They're not laughing, that's canned laughter.

steve: Who are those audience? Who who goes-

ricky: A lot of them are older than you.

steve: It can't be right...

ricky: You know we have 15% fatality in one of your audiences.

steve: But I went- I went home at Christmas. I watched one of the episodes, was with my family and friends. I said, watch this, you'll love it... stony-faced, no one laughed, they all thought it was shite.

ricky: Well it is shite.

steve: Well why didn't you tell me earlier?

ricky: We didn't want to hurt your feelings, you're an old man! You may be upward of 102!

steve: I didn't realise.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Here's a problem that someone's e-mailed in. We're taking emails today, if you've got a problem, a concern or, you know, just a general query that you think Karl could answer for, it can be about anything, it can be about some of the big kind of philosophical questions, erm it could be something to do with war or famine, anything like that or it could just be a personal dilemma, you know, something that's happening locally. Anyway this seems one that I think you probably have- you and your father have probably come across this sort of dilemma in the past. And I'd be interested to know what your take is on it. Let me see. This is from Leigh Matthews by the look of it. He says, he lives in a suburban area where the local teenagers also live on the same road and they're running riot.

steve: They're smashing wing mirrors off the cars, they're crashing into parked cars on their skateboards. They're just generally making hey- mayhem, you know, night and day. What can he do to stop this going on? The parents of the kids don't seem to give a damn. Anyone who complains to them they just say 'oh piss off'. You know, the police are useless because they never catch them in the actual act of violence, which is what they've got to do to apparently convict them. So they didn't know who to turn to really. When a little old lady went and got the A-Team.

ricky: You know, and he was dressed as an elderly Chinaman.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: She knew- She knew who he was, Colonel Decker didn't have a clue.

karl: See it's weird because now- now it has got out of hand. You know what I mean?

ricky: Sure.

karl: I mean like years ago when I was growing up on the estate, erm, yeah you had problems but not like you have now. D'you know what I mean? Erm

ricky: Summers were nice as well weren't they? Police are getting shorter and younger.

steve: But you yourself Karl have admitted in the past that you were something of a tearaway, you didn't do anything like these kids here, but...

karl: I mean the thing is, I was- I was scared that if I got caught doing it, my dad would go mad.

steve: Yes.

karl: And I remember smashing a car window by accident and legging it in the lounge.

karl: And sort of pretending to go asleep on the settee, right...

steve: Genius.

karl: And I heard a knock at the door and I thought...

ricky: Chloroformed himself. Just to be unconscious when his Dad came home.

karl: And there was a knock on the door and I thought 'oh God this is the fella he saw me'. I was chucking a stone in the air seeing how high I could throw it.

steve: Of course you were. Did it keep landing on your head? That would explain a lot.

ricky: Chucking a stone in the air! Love it.

steve: To see how far he could throw.

ricky: It's brilliant. Did you invent that game?

steve: Did you get the stone for your birthday? 'Go and play with your stone.'

ricky: He gave one to Suzanne.

steve: Karl, go and play with your stone.

karl: The thing is, right, and it came down at a funny angle and it-

ricky: Course it did.

karl: It hit the back of this car, and the back window is the most expensive because it has that heating thing in it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know in case you've got a frosty window. So I thought 'oh God', so I legged it in, got on the settee, went to sleep, knock at the door...

steve: Genius, it's a brilliant plan.

ricky: Went to sleep...

steve: I couldn't be guilty, I'm asleep.

ricky: I love the idea, oh-

karl: So the thing is our lounge used to sort of- you could, you could see in from the door, right? So this family who, uhh-

ricky: I think you can- mm.

karl: Who saw me do it, lay- saw me asleep on the settee and me mam said, "Go and get the door." And I sort of went, "What?" as if I'd been asleep.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And went to the door like rubbing me eyes and, uh, the fella said "What did you run off for, I saw you." And I was like, "Ohh no." And, I didn't see me dad, I went out. It was when he was working sort of evenings, so I went out so I didn't have to see me dad. And then the next day I came f-

karl: I came home from school, and me dad said, "Forty five quid."

steve: Oof.

karl: That's all he said...

steve: That's all he said.

karl: ...and he looked at me.

ricky: And then you fell asleep and he went, "Wake up, wake up. You hear what I said?" "No." "Forty five quid." (snoring)

karl: Now the thing is-

ricky: "Karl!"

steve: Right.

karl: He- he- he didn't have to do anything-

steve: "Forty five pounds Karl, now I know you were saving up for a brick."

steve: "But you can't have it."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (laughing) Yeah.

ricky: Just d- (laughs)

karl: So, umm-

steve: Equally, if you're doing a bigger crime, you know...

ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

steve: ...um, a bank job or a murder-

ricky: Remember to take the stocking off your head...

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: ...cause they wake you up and go, "Why've you got a stocking on your head?" And you just go, "Oh I had a weird dream."

karl: Right, uhh

steve: Okay look, quick, um, query for you, this is from Jay.

steve: He's got a problem here. Um, he says uh, "My parents won't let me ditch my studies." He's currently reading Modern Languages at London University.

ricky: Sure.

steve: He wants to follow his dream, but his parents won't let him, of being a dancer, Karl. Worse than that, he says that they're trying to arrange a marriage to a bunch of, uh, minging daughters of people they know, from good families. He doesn't know what to do, so he's got the arranged marriage coming along, and he's also got- you know, he basically wants to, you know, wants to be a dancer, his parents are forcing him into umm something more practical-

karl: Well the first thing, right? I don't think the-

steve: Live your dreams?

karl: The arranged marriage thing is such a bad idea.

steve: Okay.

karl: 'Cause, I think too many people go on looks.

steve: Right.

karl: And then you soon get bored of that.

steve: Mhm.

karl: And you find out the person who you're knocking about with, is actually not your type.

steve: Right.

ricky: Why don't you arrange marriages for people?

karl: Well, I- I- I'm just saying, right? So, I'd say, uhh Jay, go along with that, I wouldn't worry about it.

steve: Okay.

karl: I mean if they're really ugly then, you know, don't go along with it, but if they're half bad...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...put up with it, that's alright.

steve: Sure.

karl: The dancing-

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Right?

steve: (laughing) That's that solved.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: I wanted to be a dancer.

karl: After I did the boxing, right, I joined a, joined a dancing thing just near, um, Man United's ground, right, called Twiggy's.

steve: Right.

karl: Ummm

steve: Is it-

karl: I went along, I wanted to learn some moves and-

steve: How old were you?

karl: Well it was when Michael Jackson was like, pretty big so, about eightyyy...

ricky: Five?

karl: '83, '84, '85?

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: Summat like that, round there. Umm, wanted to do it, uhh, when I went it was shut and it had become like a warehouse for uh toilet rolls. So in a way,

karl: I wonder what would have happened-

ricky: Sorry, sorry! How is that an anecdote about you going through dancing?

karl: Well, I'm-

ricky: You've told me before, you w- you did boxing for a while, and you did dancing for a while. You had two fight in the boxing, you didn't even get in the pl- that's not an ane- you!

karl: Yeah but-

ricky: Imagine if that was a film! "This is about, um, a boy's dream of becoming a dancer." (whistling) "Oh it's shut. Next on..." I mean, y-! How is that a story?!

steve: Yeah, if that was Billy Elliot, d'you think it would have won-

steve: Would it have won quite as many awards?

ricky: Yeah! Yeah!

ricky: Brilliant. Footloose. All right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "I'm fed up, they banned it. Let's go. Oh, it's shut." Doot doot doot doot doo doo. Flash dance. "First, there was" -

ricky: "Oh, it's a warehouse. Never mind." You -

karl: I'm - I'm just saying, you know, you'll find something else. I can't - I think I got a go-kart after that. I bought a motorised go-kart and kept meself busy with that. So -

karl: There's - there's always other things.

ricky: Just think, Alan Bennett has to sit down and really sweat over his stories.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: So -

ricky: He just opens his mouth.

steve: You are a living Alan Bennett character.

karl: So that's that solved.

steve: So that's that solved. Well, Jay, don't worry about that. There's, um, no emotional there - emotional problems I can foresee, uh, if you follow that advice.

ricky: So the advice there is do an arranged marriage. If - if - if -

steve: If she's not half ugly.

ricky: If she's not minging. If she's not completely minging.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uh, and don't worry about dancing, get a go-kart. Cheers.

ricky: This is XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello.

ricky: You are listening to the best of, basically, Karl Pilkington.

ricky: You don't talk to anyone, do you, in the week? You just hide in your little sound booth thing and you really don't talk to anyone, do you, much?

karl: Not really.

ricky: No.

karl: I mean, you - you know, you might call up.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, but nah, I keep meself to meself.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You don't get bogged down in the office politics and stuff.

steve: True.

ricky: Yeah. Is there a lot of office politics here?

karl: I don't know, I don't get involved in it.

ricky: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Proved your point.

steve: So - so when, um, we are away, and we're, like, out of action, who -

steve: Other than Suzanne, who will you talk to of the day?

ricky: How will you get, sort of, feedback from the world? How do you get, sort of, like input and -

karl: I always - if I've ever - if I've ever - I've got like a - a question on anything, the internet's sat there and I can just go online and find out.

ricky: The internet is - is good.

karl: It's brilliant.

ricky: But it's not all verified.

steve: It's not all factually - necessarily factually accurate.

ricky: Anyone can put things on to the internet. It's the - you know, that's it's - it's freaks and things that put on things like -

karl: Well, here's one that -

karl: Here's one that I read in the week, right?

ricky: Go on.

karl: About this woman.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, she was a bit of a punk. And um, to get a hair done like she wanted it -

ricky: Super glue?

karl: Right - no. She got lard - apparently, it's a popular thing. You might - you might know. Um, put lard on your head.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And you put it in the oven.

ricky: Oh.

karl: Now, apparently, the heat that you get from the oven is different from the sort of heat you get from an hair dryer, right? And she had to do that to get the style that she wanted. But anyway, she comes in to money or whatever. Treats

karl: Herself to a microwave. All right?

ricky: It doesn't - it's not true, Karl.

karl: Opens the door, jams the thing - do you know like the little catch? So - so the microwave works. She jams it with a screwdriver or a knife or something.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Puts the microwave on, sticks her head in, boils her brain.

steve: Don't be ridiculous.

karl: Right? Well, why is that ridiculous?

ricky: Boils her brain?

karl: She boiled her brain.

ricky: She boiled -

ricky: Her Brain?

karl: And this is what's good about the internet. I went straight from that and there was a subject about brains and, do you know, that Russell Crow, when he dies is giving his brain to charity or something. Some sort of... some people who can do stuff with it.

steve: She gave hers to Pot Noodle.

ricky: Vesta... Eurgh, boiling a skill.

karl: That's the sort of stuff. Yeah

ricky: That's.. It's not true

steve: It's not true, Karl. Just Urban myths, someone made up.

ricky: Yeah

steve: For a laugh

ricky: They're just too convenient Urban myths

ricky: Everyone says. You can tell an urban myths not true, because it's always: this happened to a mate of mine and when you say 'what happened then?' They go: 'Dunno, that was it' Was it? Was that it was it? Someone boiled their brain and that was it? There was no more story.

steve: Where there any dates? Locations? Times?

karl: I think it was in Belgium

ricky: There's that- there's that- there's that one.

ricky: There's that one, that a bloke, right? Was going to get a phone call at 4 o'clock to find out if his business was, you know, okay, right?

ricky: And if he didn't get the phone call, he knew he was um broke, destitute. So at dead on four o'clock, the phone didn't ring. So he went up to the- the roof his office and he jumped off commit suicide, and as he was passing his window, the phone was ringing.

karl: Oh no!

steve: Karl, it didn't happen.

ricky: It didn't happen!

steve: Think it through

ricky: Think it through. Who told that story? Who told that story? As he hit the pavement at a hundred and twenty miles an hour

steve: He's the only person who could have known those, that series of incidents...

ricky: Also why didn't he wait?

steve: ...and he's dead

ricky: As his life's at stake, why didn't he wait 'til 5 past. Actually, I'm gonna give it five minutes just in case

steve: Just in case the lines are busy

ricky: Yeah. And what sort of bloke goes: "I'll call you at four, okay, if your business is -"

ricky: Well call me anyway?

ricky: "Nope, no. If I don't call at exactly four, then you need to commit suicide."

ricky: Commit suicide?

ricky: "I would, because if I don't call at four, eurgh, that's the end of it"

ricky: Well call me anyway?

ricky: "No, that's not the way I work"

ricky: Why can't you just call me and tell me either way?

ricky: "Well, I'm telling you how I do it"

ricky: "If you're bust I don't call."

ricky: Can't you just call to verify it, in case something goes wrong? What if it's engaged?

ricky: "It won't be engaged. Just commit suicide at four, please."

ricky: It didn't happen, Karl. Have you heard the other one, right? A bloke, right. He's on a train station and uh- I'll tell you how I heard it. He's- he's waiting for- at Crewe station, wherever, and he shits himself, as you do. And so he goes: oh my train's in five minutes.

ricky: So he runs across to Millets, and goes quick, Levi's, 36. The bloke just puts it in a bag. He runs onto the train, he goes into the toilet, takes his trousers and pants off.

steve: His soiled, trousers and pants

ricky: Yes. Throws them out of the window. I'll won't be needing those again. Cleans himself off, open the bag. It's a jacket!

karl: Ohhhh

ricky and steve: NO IT DIDN'T HAPPEN KARL

ricky: At what point did he go into a go-go- Quick, Levi's 36, and the bloke went:

ricky: "Sorry, Levi's 36? What, a pair-" "Oh nonono!" "Shall I wrap them..." "Them?" "It." "It?!" "Shall I wrap?" "Just wrap, whatever it is!" "D'you wanna look?" "No! I'm not looking when you're putting it in the bag, please!" Right?

ricky: Uh, "what, a 36 waist or is-", "Well not- don't say anything."

steve: "I've told you 36 Levi's."

ricky: (giggling) Yeah!

steve: "Now put it in a bag and charge me for it!"

ricky: Yeah, yeah!

steve: "I don't wanna discuss it further."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There was one, uh-

ricky: Here we go.

karl: There was one about a woman whose

ricky: Yep.

karl: Husband died...

karl: And she had him cremated.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And made, uhh, made like a little egg timer out of him.

ricky: Right.

karl: And she said, "I did that so he can still help around the kitchen."

ricky: Well that might be true, that might be a joke.

steve: That's quite sweet.

ricky: That might be true.

karl: No, that is true stories, again. It was all-

ricky: No not again! 'Cause the ones I just told weren't. Nor is the boiling the brains in a bag, curry, microwave...

steve: Head story true.

ricky: Yeah, that's all. Um, I'd like to

ricky: Play a beautiful song now by Cat Stevens, called Lilywhite it's i- it's lovely.

steve: A song for the lovers, Rick?

ricky: Yeah. Big sell.