XFM Vault - S02E30 Transcript

ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) "Clocks" from The Coldplay--

ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and back Karl Pilkington.

steve: Ehhh!

ricky: He's rarin' to go. That's nice when you have a bit of time off, innit?

steve: Yeah, how long have you had off now then, Karl?

ricky: About three weeks.

steve: About three weeks, is it?

ricky: About three weeks, yeah. Uhm, we can't do that because we're sort of self-employed and we'd be lettin' people down but it's different when you're- you know, you get paid anyway whether you turn up or not but good to have you back. Good to have you--

karl: I'm not a- I'm never off ill.

ricky: No. Good--

karl: This is the first time--

steve: No, I just--

karl: That I've been off ill at XFM.

ricky: Well, no, just- just shoot off for two weeks and then you're off--

steve: No, I just wish I was the kind of person who could let down an audience--

ricky: I know. Really--

steve: Of regular listeners.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, but like I say--

ricky: Well, no, we spoke to you, you weren't that bad- a cold- you don't go in for a cold. Uh, we were discussing this last night in the pub and, uh, you know, you don't go in for a cold. Uhm, okay then, moving on, what have we got, then? We've got some great songs, I brought--

karl: It wasn't a cold though.

ricky: In The Smiths, I brought in Buzzcocks, I brought in Neil Young, I know Steve's got some hip hop.

steve: Some great hip hop, hooray!

ricky: Some great Elvis Costello. It's gonna be great. Karl come on, (Taps Desk) concentrate. You've been away three weeks.

karl: It just annoys me- no, stop sayin' that--

ricky: W--

karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me now.

ricky: Why?... W- what are you gonna do? Go home ill? (Mocking Voice) "Ohh. Ooh, he's annoyed me." "Oh, has he?" "Yeah--"

steve: (Mocking Voice) "I got a bit of a headache!"

ricky: (Mocking Voice) "I put on wet jeans, I'm a little bit annoyed."

ricky: (Mocking Voice) "Can I have some time off but still get paid?" "Yes, of course you can, Karl."

karl: Steve, right, he called me up, winding me up about this--

karl: And, right, I'm- I'm nearly- I'm thirty, right- I'm thirty now--

karl: I can only remember being off two times.

ricky: Oh, his memory's goin' as well. You'll have some time off.

karl: And both of them were when I- when I was at school. One- one--

ricky: "Scyull?" What's "scyull"?

karl: One when it was windy...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why did you have to have off cuz it was windy?

steve: But, to be honest, Karl, that lasted for seven years--

ricky: No- no wait- (Laughing) yeah, yeah.

steve: Your time off at school.

ricky: Wait, wait, wait, why did you have time off cuz it was windy?

steve: Were you windy or was it windy outside?

karl: No, it was a really- it was like when--

ricky: Your auntie wasn't out the window, was she?

steve: Yeah.

karl: When- when the winds were bad in the seventies and me mam said, "Oooh--"

ricky: What'd you- whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoahhh. I remember space hoppers and flares--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: I don't remember the winds being bad in the seventies.

karl: Well me- me mam just said, uhh, "You might get blown into the road so don't go in."

ricky: She had so much faith in you, didn't she... as a human being?

steve: Is that why she got fired from the pie shop?

steve: "I'm not coming in today, I might get blown into the road."

ricky: God, they- ohh God.

karl: The funny thing was, right, Steve, they had this- this thing goin' at school - cuz a lot of kids used to wag it back then, right--

steve: Used to what?

karl: Wag it - sort of, not go in.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: And, ehm, they, sort of, tried to make it interesting for you by giving you a--

steve: An education?

karl: A certificate.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Certificate if you did a full week.

ricky: A reward for the rest of your life--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

ricky: With achievement. That sort of- that sort of carrot.

steve: Mm.

karl: And also, like, let you got home at three o'clock on a Friday--

ricky: Right.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: If you'd done a- like, a full week and that, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So it was a- it was lovely weather all week, then it just, sort of, changed on a Friday--

karl: And I got off and it was all windy and me mam said--

ricky: It's always windy on Fridays and Sundays, innit?

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Uhh, "Don't- don't, you know- if you don't want, don't go in cuz you might get blown into the road and that."

karl: So I said, "All right then, I'll stay off." And, uhhhm--

ricky: Sorry, why didn't she... told you held on- hold on to a fence or--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: Walk ya there. What's this "don't go out, you might get blown--"

steve: "Immediately give up."

ricky: I love this "getting blown into the road". Is that based on your cats that kept gettin' blown into the road?

karl: Well... So, I got to- got to school on Monday, right, and the teacher said, "Right--"

ricky: Took you a long time.

karl: "Today, uh, to punish you - you were the only one who wrecked the whole week, right- everyone else came in, you didn't, so everyone else is going home at three o'clock today... but you're not."

steve: Brilliant. Serves you right and, uh- and--

karl: I wasn't bothered though, it was great cuz I said, "Well, you'll have to stay with me, won't ya?"

steve: Brilliant.

karl: And it's great. So, all I did for half an hour was doodle and stuff. It was great- little afternoon.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that- that was ages ago. That was, like, when I was about... eight. And that's one of the times I was off ill.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So.. eight--

steve: But that wasn't even ill, that was wind.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, yeah. So...

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit different when you're--

steve: To be honest with you--

ricky: In the adult world though, Karl. You can't just not turn up because you've got a bit of a cold or you're a bit fed up... I mean, we had an appointment four o'clock Thursday, wasn't it, and he had to call up, he said, "Aw, cancel it", I went on, "meeting went a little bit late."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Tsk Sound) (Banging the Desk on each Word) Time management. Get things done. If it was important, you'd get it done. Play a record, Karl.

steve: Pull your finger out please.

ricky: Elvis Costello, "Alison". What a great track that is.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Beautiful. Well, Karl, we better tell 'em all the new great features we've come up with... in the time... you were off.

karl: Right, well, we'll, uhh- we've got the film thing still goin'.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ehhhm...

ricky: That's where you take a lead role or a m- or a- a major role in a- in a Hollywood blockbuster which we then give away on VHS - worth 6.99.

karl: And, uhh, something new we're trying out cuz "Rockbusters"--

steve: Is dead thankfully, yes.

karl: Is, uhh- is gone for a bit.

steve: It's over.

karl: Ehhm, "Crosswords".

steve: "Crosswords".

ricky: Ooooh, this sounds intrigueing, where'd you get the idea from?

ricky: What's- what's the basic, uh, format of this?

karl: Right, what I- what I've done is: I've, uhh--

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Take- take, like, a- a popular saying from the show...

steve: A popular what?

karl: A popular saying, something that crops up quite a lot in the show.

steve: In our show?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uhhhm, first thing that spring- sort of, sprang to mind was, uh, "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

steve: Okay.

ricky: Oooh, classic.

steve: But more- more commonly it would be something like "Karl, you're an idiot"--

ricky: Yeah, "Play a record you ignorant fool"--

steve: "Karl, you idiot", "Karl, you're a fool"--

ricky: "Ooh, what do you mean? You let us down again. You should have been here."--

steve: Yeah, "Karl, where have you been?"

ricky: "Yeah, you--"

steve: (Mocking Tone) "Oh, you've got a headache, have you Karl? You better have a lie down."

ricky: (Mocking Tone) Yeah. Awwwwww!

steve: Typical phrases like that, sure.

ricky: Yeah. Typical phrases like that, yeah. Yeah.

steve: "Karl, you're a loser", yeah.

ricky: (Mocking Tone) Awww, yeah.

karl: Right. And, uhm, what I've done, I've got a load of different songs and took words--

karl: From the different songs and then joined them together--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: To make "There's this hairy Chinese kid" and then people have to email in and say what the five songs were.

steve: It sounds like the most complicated game ever.... I'm looking forward to it. Are you- have you heard any of this, Rick, cuz I've not heard this at all--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm not familiar with this.

ricky: Well, all it is, it'll- it'll go, like, (Disjointed Tones) "Hairy. Chi. Nese. Kid." and that's- it's from, sort of, four different songs--

steve: Right.

ricky: And you've got to identify the songs.

steve: Right. Wow!

ricky: How many songs in this, Karl? You o--

karl: Five. Five. "There's", "This", "Hairy", "Chinese", "Kid".

ricky: Okay.

karl: All right?

ricky: So...

steve: (Laughing Slightly) And, uh, what are the prizes for that? Are these the prizes?

karl: Yeh. Yeh.

steve: All right, well let me tell you what they are. They're not too bad, actually. We've got, uhm, "Live Forever" which I assume is a CD that ties in with this new film--

ricky: Think of that... A well-known phrase from the show and it's "Hairy Chinese kid"!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: What other- where would you hear that?!

steve: There is no other radio show in the world--

ricky: In life. I... this is... Go on.

steve: If you've just tuned in, I mean, what do you think?

ricky: What do you think if you've just tuned in? And go, (Slight Manc Accent) "Well-known phrase from show: "Hairy Chinese kid."

ricky: Aww, yeah... classic.

ricky: They'll be playing that in charades this Christmas.

steve: Ah, so, yeah, this is, uh, a CD that ties into this new film "Live Forever" which is all- is all about, uh, Britpop and so there's stuff on there from Oasis, Blur, Pulp, etc. Uh, we've also got, uh, another "Red Dwarf" DVD. Uhh, "Marion and Geoff", the first series of that, excellent--

steve: It's on VHS, sadly but, uh, nevermind. And, uhmmm- and also "The Very Best of Led Zepplin", a two CD set there with all the classics on. So that's not bad prizes actually, Karl. You've done yourself proud.

ricky: That is, uh- we've upped it- we've upped it, we're getting serious now. We're playing in the, you know- the bigger league. We've upped the stakes, we want "Heat" magazine not to, you know, lose touch with us just because "Rockbusters" is gone.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think they're still behind us. We've got to show the worried--

steve: So, we've got- we've got, uhh- we've got "Film..."- you appear in a film--

karl: Mm.

steve: We've got (Laughing Slightly) "Crosswords." How is that to do with a crossword?

karl: Because I've got words and, sort of, crossed them.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

ricky: Right. You haven't really crossed them.

ricky: But, uh, good. So, "Words". We're playing a game called, "Words".

ricky: "Word Song". Hello, and welcome to "Word Song".

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: And, uhh- and obviously I imagine there'll be some more great music.

ricky: But we've got a new feature, haven't we?

karl: Which one's this?

ricky: Are we doing... uhm, within the monkey news, the new feature?

karl: Awwwww, Steve...

steve: I'm excited. You know "Monkey News" is my favorite feature so what have you added to it?

ricky: Explain it.

karl: Right, well, uhhh, there's been loads of stuff going on in the past few weeks, all right? Ehhh, but for the times when I struggle, when- when, sort of, monkeys have had a quiet week...

karl: And- and there isn't that much news goin' on, right--

steve: Sure.

karl: Come up with this thing... I, sort of, speak to an expert, I've- I've spoke to him already, right...

steve: You spoke- you spoke to an expert?

karl: Yeah.

steve: A monkey expert?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: And I ask him a question.

steve: Wow!

karl: Right? The feature... it's got a good name, you know that's the way I work.

steve: Yeah.

karl: "Cheap as Chimps".

karl: Right?

steve: (Laughing) Okay.

karl: And what I do, I ask them a question about, you know, oooh, how much does it cost to, you know, keep one... how much does it cost to, you know, feed one for a week.

steve: Yeah.

karl: All this sort of stuff. So, I- I give out, like, a monkey story and if that isn't enough for people, they'll also learn something else at the end of it.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, like...

steve: It sounds fascinating, can I say right now.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: That's just some of the things that we've come up with. Play a record, Karl.

steve: Please still continue to listen though.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Richard Ashcroft, "Buy It In Bottles" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Karl, I need the phone number of your girlfriend.

steve: Let me explain why. I was lucky enough, once again, to be on your quiz team this week. Uhm, uh, Ricky--

ricky: Still to beat me- he's still to beat me with his team yet.

steve: We, uh--

ricky: Second- second I came.

steve: We, uh- the s- the gang here and some friends, we, uh, sometimes go down to a pub quiz in the local area and, uhm, it was very nice of Karl to be invited on his team. Uh, twice now I've been on that team. Ricky's always on another team. And, uhm, I- (Sighs) what can I say, Karl, I- I- do you mind me saying this now because I've- I've- I've analyzed the team and it's your- very much your team and, uh, you've put the team together, you've recruited some excellent personnel, your girlfriend's, uh, very, very good on the team--

karl: Yeh.

steve: As is one of her, uh, work colleagues and, uh, you normally bring in, you know someone like myself. I like to think I'm providing a certain something with the entertainment section, I seem to remember last time, I answered at least six or seven questions that other people hadn't got. So, I- I felt I provided something there. Ehm, Karl, I- I- rather like John Harvey-Jones who used to be called in to, sort of, troubleshoot companies I see why you are not winning ever. And it's a rather pricey, uhh, contest, isn't it? It costs a tenner to enter per person--

ricky: Each.

karl: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: And unless you get in the top three, you're not- you're not gonna get to see your money back. So, uhm--

ricky: No.

steve: I think you're gonna maybe need to step down--

steve: From the team... because Karl, I'm not sure--

ricky: Ooohhh.

steve: I am not sure--

ricky: Awww.

steve: You- you consider yourself a, kind of, player/manager but frankly I'm not sure you're providing enough.

karl: Right...

ricky: See this is- this is funny because... as bad as I imagine you are, I don't think Steve would make it into my team so he's gettin' a bit cocky here. I wanna know what your opinion of him- cuz he's told me he's great on it.

karl: Well... you're bang out of order, first of all.

ricky: (Laughing Slighty) OOhhh!

steve: Okay.

ricky: He's d--

karl: Did you have a good night when you were with us?

steve: Um, I tell you what, I wish I'd- I wish I hadn't lost a tenner everytime I've come down.

karl: Well--

steve: That would have improved it.

karl: Your point out there about the football analogy--

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Alex Ferguson...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: When did he score a goal?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

karl: He doesn't, he tells the others how to do it.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? That's- that's my role in there--

ricky: He doesn't take up one of the eleven though, does he?

steve: No. Exactly.

ricky: It's not like you can only field ten--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because, uh--

ricky: "We've only got 10 again." (Ferguson Impression) "Alright, I want to be in the eleven."

steve: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. He's stopped running around in midfield--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No. No.

steve: Fallen over.

ricky: Yeah, shoutin', (Ferguson Impression) "Aww, what have I told ya?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No.

karl: Right, I'll admit, right--

ricky: And there's a limit of five players. We should explain that. That's the point.

steve: Yeah. There's only five pe- players on the team.

ricky: The- players- so- so--

karl: But, it- it was pretty tricky on Tuesday, though, wannit? It was one of the tougher--

steve: T- t- tell everyone the one question you got right.

karl: It was something about, uhhh--

steve: Well, tell us the answer, the two words you had to say to get the answer.

karl: Dannii Minogue.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Dannii Minogue.

steve: That was what you provided - Dannii Minogue.

ricky: It's as valuable as Dostoevsky--

steve: Well, no- not- not- really because--

ricky: Or 1.6--

steve: Because- because there was at least two of us who also knew the answer.

ricky: Oh. Well he--

steve: We- we gave him- we gave him the--

ricky: He didn't provide anything.

steve: No, exactly. We gave it to Karl. We- massage his ego. But, uhm...

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: I just feel, Karl, I--

ricky: I- I- do you know what? I'm a little- I feel a little bit bad, now cuz I just saw- he had a crushed face on him--

steve: Can- can I just tell you right now--

ricky: He just can't believe this.

steve: Can I just tell you right now, I think the problem is this: I think there's that precious fifth position that is not being filled - at the moment, I think - consistently enough by a decent player. Right, you've got a solid team. I'm thinking if you want to remain on the team you are gonna have to pull your finger out and find a fifth member that is gonna provide- and I'll tell you where the weaknesses are, I can tell you right now, mate. The weaknesses are natural history and science--

ricky: Aww--

steve: Something which Ricky Gervais is scoring on week-in and week-out on his team.

ricky: There is- there is a few science--

steve: Now, if he was available for a transfer, we could be fine--

steve: But we've got to find someone to fill in that space otherwise I'm either gonna quit or you're gonna have to step down because I don't think I can be on a team where--

ricky: Where he- dare he loses ten pounds--

steve: Where there are obvious deficiencies- are visible deficiencies on your team.

ricky: Um, and you know, the ten pounds.

steve: That's ten pounds - I'm not made of money.

steve: That's once a month!

ricky: I've- I've seen him depressed for two hours when he lost twenty pounds at a casino after five hours playing.

steve: Don't bring it back. Don't bring- don't bring that back.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Don't bring up that again, that story.

ricky: He doesn't like wastin' money, Karl. You know that.

steve: What do you think? What do you think? What's the solution? You've got to be- (Slapping His Palm) we've got to think proactively, now. We have got to sort this out.

karl: See, there's always other things going on in me mind when I'm at that pub quiz.

karl: For me, it's just a little bit of fun--

steve: Sure.

karl: It's a night out, do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, uh huh.

karl: Suzanne enjoys it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Bit of a get together, we have a chat beforehand--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We have a bit of fun.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: But there's other things on me mind.

ricky: What are ya thinkin'?

steve: Karl, I could do that here, I don't have to lose a tenner.

ricky: No, wait. Wait, what were you thinking during the quiz, there when the questions were comin' out? What were you thinking of?

karl: Well, what it was, right... just before the quiz started, I had to go the the toilet, right, because the rule is, right - people who don't go to it - once it starts, phones off--

ricky: Oh yeah, you can't leave the room, yeah.

karl: No more toilet. They take it dead serious, don't they, right?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

karl: So, I went to the toilet.... Now, I'm not bein' out of order here, it just got me thinking, right.

karl: I went to the toilet... there's a gay fella in there. All right?

steve: There was a gay fella in there?

karl: Gay fella in the toilet--

steve: Okay.

karl: Now--

steve: How could you tell?

ricky: How did you know? How did you know?

karl: Just typical, you know... everything about it. Right--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "It"!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Everything about it". Right. Yeah.

ricky: Oh!

steve: What, large handlebar mustache--

ricky: W- w--

steve: Leather cap.

ricky: Butt- butt plugs, ammonitrate- could I just say that... these views do not reflect the views of the management of XFM or me and Steve. Go on. Karl.

steve: Or most of the people of this country. On you go.

ricky: Go on- go on, Karl. What's your problem?

karl: Yeah, but this is what I'm worried about, really- but this is why I only got Danni Minogue right.

karl: All right? Cuz this was floatin' around me mind. Went to the toilet--

ricky: She's a big gay icon, isn't she?

karl: Now... go into the toilet.. they have- they have, like, men's cubicle and they have women's cubicle...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Now without sounding out of order... is it wrong for me to think...

karl: Gay men should have their own little cubicle?

ricky: (Laughing) Call in!

steve: They should have their own- well not cubicle, you mean an actual toilet, I suppose.

karl: Yeah. When I was at the urinal...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Normally, you know, there's a fella there and you go, "All right?", and there's no pressure.

karl: But I couldn't- I couldn't go. I was thinking, "Should I wait? If I go into the toilet, it'll look obvious--"

steve: Yeah.

karl: I had loads of pressure and this was going on--

steve: But what were you worried about?

ricky: I am so sorry.

steve: What were you concerned about?

ricky: I am so sorry, viewers. I am so sorry.

karl: Well, it's like- right, listen, when I was a kid, right--

karl: And it's all right for you to go into women's toilets when you're a kid, it's like, "Oooh, it's a bit cute."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? As long as you're not, like, over fifteen or something, right.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

karl: But, when I was a kid I went into the toilet and women, when they use their little cubicles, they don't shut the door. Some of 'em just sit down on the- on the toilet.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? And you see everything.

karl: No, seriously that's probably one of the first times I saw, like, a woman.

steve: Yeah.

karl: That, right, and me Auntie Nora when she was stayin' over.

ricky: (Laughing) What happened with your Auntie Nora?

karl: She was, uhm- she was into wearing kaftans...

steve: Into wearing what?

karl: You know, kaftans.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: What are kaftans?

ricky: Big bellowy, sort of, dresses.

steve: Right, right.

karl: And, uhh...

karl: Yeah, I- I- I used to sit on the floor at home, in front of the telly.

steve: Sure.

karl: She was on the chair behind--

steve: Yeah.

karl: She did a bit of a- sort of, a Sharon Stone scene--

steve: Oh God!

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Did you see it?

karl: Mm.

steve: There was no underwear?

karl: No.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) What age were you?

ricky: What was it like?

steve: What age were you?

karl: It was like a ripped tennis ball.

ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!

steve: WHAT?!

steve: Right, we're off air. We're off air. Either that or put us in for the Sony's.

steve: Ice T, "That's How I'm Living".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Bit of old school hip hop.

ricky: Where's our tea?

steve: Good point, yeah.

ricky: Go get me a cup of coffee or sommat.

steve: Well, before we do that, can I just qualify something? I'm a little bit concerned about your--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Your toilet discussion. What- what exactly is your point again? I'm just a bit bemused.

karl: Yeah, but- you see... it's- it's a tricky one. All I'm saying is, right, there I was at the pub quiz, I go to the toilet... not thinking about anything--

karl: I try to go, right, there's a little gay fella next to me.

ricky: (Giggling) I love this little gay fella.

karl: Now... the weird thing is there's nothing stopping him having a little- little glance, right? Because he's allowed in- in the fella's toilet.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Now I'm not allowed to go into the women's toilet... and have a little- have a little look 'round.

steve: (Laughing) Right.

karl: So all I'm saying is: should they have another- another toilet area?

steve: What, for gay people?

karl: Yeah.

steve: And... so this would be gay men and lesbians?

karl: Ehhhh...

steve: Is that gonna complicate things?

karl: Well--

ricky: I mean, I can only assume- I mean, to point- a- a- ask you a question, right. If you're intimidated, that's- I mean, that- that- that's a shame but you know most gay men aren't looking at your knob?

ricky: You know that?

karl: What do you mean?

ricky: I can only say that 99.9 percent of gay men who use a urinal standing next to, what they assume is a heterosexual man, aren't looking at his knob.

karl: Well, what are they doing, then?

ricky: They're- they're emptying their bladder.

karl: (Not Convinced) Mmm.

karl: No, but the thing is, you- you--

ricky: I can't t- I can't talk politics with Karl.

karl: You're sayin'- you're sayin', like, you know, about "would you have one toilet for lesbian women and gay fellas?", right.

ricky: Well, what does that mean? Would it be mixed or would it just be--

karl: Well, it's--

ricky: Would it have a- would it have a man on one - that's for heterosexual men, a little picture of a woman on the other and... then what? What would (Laughing Slightly) the little icon be?

steve: Two- a man and a woman.

ricky: A man and a woman.

steve: Just havin' a chat.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: In pink and Doc Martens.

karl: Well, y- you couldn't mix 'em because then, what would happen is, you'd get people who- who are goin', "Ah, I'll play- I'll play up to this a bit--"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What, pretend to be gay?

karl: And yeah, n- you know, sort of, grow a mustache and shave their head...

ricky: And pretend to be a lesbian?

steve: (Laughing) Right... Yeah... So- so, I see- so people are pretending to be gay so they can go in and look at the lesbians.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right. So, that would mean that we need four cubicles now, would we?

ricky: Yeah, no, this is fine - four cubicles is fine--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) So- so, every pub now--

ricky: How many toilets do we need at the moment?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Every pub has now got four toilets.

ricky: Oh, Karl, bisexuals!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah! Now- interesting--

ricky: (Comical Tone) Bisexuals! How many toilets do we need nowww?

ricky: (Comical Tone) Call the council!

karl: They u- they use any.

ricky: Uh?

karl: No.

ricky: No.

steve: No, because they're interested in everything, aren't they?

ricky: Because the little bisexual fella will be looking at your... knob.

karl: Right, with them--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: What you do - you just have a door, you open it and there's one urinal there. So you can't get a queue... They have to- they have to, sort of, wait--

ricky: I just thougth o- well, why can't there just be a thing between the urinals? So anyone- no one can look at anyone else's knob... full stop.

steve: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just to go back to Ricky's point... What stops- even if we've got the toilet for gay men, what stops the gay men who want to have a look at your willy going in the regular toilet and pretending that they're straight?

ricky: Yeah, most men don't wear--

steve: Who's going to police this?

ricky: "Gay" across their head--

steve: No, exactly.

ricky: They don't have a tattoo- there's no branding yet (Laughing Slightly) in the British Isles where they have to declare--

steve: So, we're gonna have to expand this so we've all got to carry- carry identity cards--

ricky: What do you- do you- do you know it- you can see a gay, can ya, coming a mile off?

ricky: No?

karl: Nah, I'll just hold it in next time.

ricky: No, no, no, can you tell gay men? Do you know a gay man?

karl: I'd say, uhhh... probably... If you did, like, a- if you lined some people up--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And said, "Point 'em out", I reckon I'd get--

ricky: But hold on, we're not talking about people dressed in leather with the ass cut out and a handlebar mustache--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We're talking about... you know, the everyday non-scene--

karl: No, of course, yeah--

ricky: A- yeah, but I mean- supposing I put you in a room and there was ten naked men... right.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And, uh, could you- there's five gay men and five heterose- could you walk along that line looking at those gay--

karl: Am I naked?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, you don't have to be naked. Why would you have to be naked?

karl: To catch 'em out.

ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!

steve: How would you catch them out?

karl: Because some of 'em--

ricky: (Laughing) No, don't go into it! Don't go into it! Don't got into it. Play a record.

ricky: The Thrills, "One Horse Town" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now, Karl Pilkington is getting ready, it's the start of a new strand in the show, a new quiz, a new competition to replace "Rockbusters". Now that's quite a tall order but...

karl: Yeh.

ricky: What have you done?

karl: Right, like I said, right, if you've only just tuned in, what it is - I've took, and I'll be takin', a well known sayin' every week from the show - something that crops up a lot - uhh, first one that sprang to mind... was...

ricky: "There's a little gay fella standin' next to me in the urinal"?

karl: That's next week.

ricky: Okay.

karl: This week: "There's this hairy Chinese kid." Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's cropped up quite a lot.

ricky: It's sweepin' the nation.

karl: Right, so what I've done, I've got five songs...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And I've edited them together to make that sayin'.

ricky: You've got words- you've- from- from songs where any part of that sentence occurs--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: To recreate it--

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Now, what do they need to do? Do they need to say what the song is? Just the five songs?

karl: I mean I- I was gonna say song and artist but if you want, just the song.

ricky: So fi- there's five things there and if someone doesn't get all five, it's still worth emailing in because we might give it to the one who's got the most and then--

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Uhh--

steve: Can I suggest, uhh, we go for artists rather than song only because sometimes it's quite tricky to get a song title, sometimes it's a more- it's very odd or it's not quite what you think it is. So maybe artist is a- is an easier one.

ricky: It's y- are you happy with that, Karl? It's your competition.

steve: Is that all right?

karl: I mean, Steve always does this, whenever I come up with an idea.

ricky: Oooh yeah!

steve: I'm just tryin' to make sure it's just the best it can be, Karl.

karl: Mmm, yeah.

ricky: Yeah, no, you came up with a few gameshows and Steve was going, "No, it's no good." and Karl said to me, he said, "It's a wonder 'The Office' ever got on telly."

steve: Yeah, but- well, we shall see how "Cheap as Chimps" plays out but, frankly, the fact that--

steve: The fact that you said to me, "Steve, I've come up with the best gameshow ever, it's called 'Cheap as Chimps'" "What's the idea?" "I don't know, I just like the name... it has something to do with chimps." I thought, "Well, I'm not sure that's the best- the best gameshow ever."

ricky: Well, I--

steve: And what was the other one you came up with and told me about?

ricky: I think a few people will be disagreeing with him, Karl. I think people will say that "Cheap as Chimps" could be the best gameshow ever.

steve: You know, when I was at school, people like you, I really didn't like. You're a stirrer, Gervais. He flips, doesn't he, from one side to the next, Karl. One thing, we may argue, mate, but at least we're consistent. Ricky Gervais flippin' from one side to the other. One day he's on Karl's side--

ricky: Karl, when was the last time Steve wrestled you to the ground and got you in a leg clamp?

karl: No, you're right.

ricky: Never.

steve: What? Is- is that supposed to be a good thing?

ricky: Well, didn't you see us?

steve: Yeah, I saw you struggling in the- (Laughs Slightly) in Karl's office, earlier.

ricky: He was punching my legs to release him. We were on the floor and I was squeezing him with my mighty legs, wasn't I Karl?

karl: Yeh.

ricky: It was like- I imagine that's what a crab feels like when an octopus has got it.

ricky: We were playing that, weren't we?

karl: So, anyway--

karl: So, I'll play this clip. Now, it's ten seconds long, we'll play it a couple of times cuz you'll need to take it in.

steve: Mm hmm.

karl: Ehh, so here it is, then... Eh, what are we sayin'? We're saying artists?

steve: Let's go with artists.

karl: Artists. So, email in [email protected] Name the fa- five artists it has taken to make up the saying "There's this hairy Chinese kid".

ricky: Give that email address again. Give that email address again.

karl: [email protected], all right?

ricky: "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

karl: Here you go.

karl: Play it again?

steve: Yeah, play it again.

karl: Here you go.

steve: I think you better play it once more.

karl: All right.

ricky: Ahhh! Got 'em- I've got 'em!

steve: Have you got 'em all?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's nice work.

karl: Here we go.

karl: There you go.

steve: I should just remind you now - that the prizes include a, uh, "Red Dwarf" DVD, "Marion and Geoff", the first series of that on VHS, uh, a "Live Forever" Britpop CD and also "The Very Best of Led Zep- Led Zeppelin". Let's play one of those, actually, while we're here.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: "Rock and Roll".

steve: One of the prizes on Karl's competition this week is "The Very Best of Led Zeppelin". That's obviously "Rock and Roll". Uh, we've also got a "Live Forever" Britpop CD, "Marion and Geoff" and "Red Dwarf". And, uh, should we play it again so people have got another chance?

ricky: "There's this hairy chinese kid".

karl: Yeh.

steve: Who are the artists?

karl: Here we go.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's tricky. It's not very easy. Once more.

karl: One more.

ricky: Well--

steve: Well, hard.

ricky: There you go. Email in.

steve: [email protected] Those prizes can be yours.

karl: Mm.

steve: I, uh, at the quiz also discovered, of course, and, uhm- I don't know, I'm just intrigued to know, Karl- I'm just intrigued to know, uhmm.. It was your girlfriend's birthday wasn't it? Earlier in the week?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Or last week?

karl: On Monday, yeah.

ricky: What'd you get?

steve: And, uhm, obviously it was a triumph, the stuff you got her for Christmas. Uhh--

ricky: The condoms.

steve: The box- the box of condoms.

ricky: Box set- box set of condoms.

steve: And- (Laughing) oh, yeah.

ricky: Not just- not just the singles--

steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

ricky: The whole- the whole set.

steve: Yeah, a complete collection.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: So what'd you go for this time?

ricky: What'd you get her?

karl: Yeah, but--

ricky: No, no, no, no, no, no, no--

steve: "Yeah but..."

ricky: No "yeah but", it's her birthday. How long have you been together?

karl: About nine years.

ricky: Okay so... oooh, God it must cost you so much on her birthday!

karl: No, but it starts gettin' tricky, dunnit, cuz I spoiled her a lot.

karl: In the first few years.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: So then you start--

steve: "Here's a packet of rubber bands. Enjoy them."

ricky: Yeah. Awwww.

karl: Well, she- it's what she wanted.

ricky: Okay.

karl: And you're makin' out as if--

ricky: No, everyone wants paper clips!

ricky: Come on, what did you get her?

karl: Got her a- a new pair of gloves.

steve: Right.

ricky: All right, well...

steve: And?

ricky: What, a nice- nice leather ones from Salfridge's or Harrods or sommat?

karl: Uh, they were good ones, the sort she likes. So... They weren't--

ricky: Oh, they we- they weren't the little woollen ones that she had?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I thought that was a joke when she said, "He got me these", cuz I laughed.

karl: No, that's- but I know that's- the- the ones she did have, the--

ricky: When she said it was her birthday, right- it was her birthday Monday, and me and Steve w- "Oh, what did you get her?", and she went, "He got me these", cuz she had those little woollen gloves on, I laughed... cuz I thought she was joking, Karl.

karl: It's what she wanted.

steve: Right.

karl: I've told ya before about buyin' presents, it's- it's--

steve: Do those gloves have your name sewn in them?

steve: And a piece of string... that ran over the back of your duffle coat?

karl: You know I've never been into gettin' presents and that. I had the problem at that Christmas one time with the Victoria Plum--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

steve: Yeah. We'd hate that--

karl: We've--

steve: We'd hate to bring that back.

karl: We've done that. And the--

steve: Cuz we've talked about that before- cuz it's kind of to do with your dad, is it? He's a very bad gift buyer, was that the problem?

karl: Well, yeah, me dad's- I mean, me dad just wouldn't bother. It- it was me mam who, sort of, made an effort and she, sort of, worked out half of what I wanted, then she left it to me dad to get someone- see if he could get one cheap or whatever.

steve: What--

ricky: I- I love the fact that usually people talk about, like, drinking heavily--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or, uhm, uh, violent abuse, right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, his- what he's been left with and scarred with for- for parents is bad gift buying.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's not bad, is it?

steve: And the Victoria Plum incident.

ricky: In the greater scheme of things in the world--

karl: Yeah, but--

ricky: That's not a bad thing to have, is it?

karl: Right, there was this- there was this- this is what it's like about gettin' presents and stuff, right...

ricky: Uh huh.

karl: With me- with me mam and dad.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Me mate Colin, right, he had, uh--

ricky: Colin Makin?

karl: No, Colin Bailey.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

karl: Right? He had a, uh, little, uh, Sinclair Spectrum, right?

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Computer.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Which was, like, the- the thing to have at that time, right?

ricky: Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: Used to always go around to his house. The deal was--

ricky: Not the one where you had to play through the window because you weren't allowed in--

karl: No, no, no, that's another lad, right.

ricky: Ah, yeah.

karl: This is- this is a different lad and the deal was: he came to our house and me mam gave him a pie...

karl: And then I'd go 'round to his and I'd stay there for a few hours playing, you know, "Hungry Horace" and stuff like that on it.

karl: Right? Now, me mam and dad knew that I really wanted one of these... computers, right. So I waited about a year... Came 'round to Christmas Day, I thought, "I reckon, uh, I might have one."... Turned out, they bought me the wrong one... they bought me a ZX81 instead of a Spectrum--

karl: And Christmas Day, I'm there trying to load the games up, it's not working, I'm thinking, "What's wrong?!", right. And the thing with me when I was a kid, I used to get quite, sort of, agitated quite easy--

steve: This is the- this is the moment.

karl: Right? I found out, that you needed a RAM pack to make it work... right... Lookin' in the thing and it's saying, "And make sure you put your RAM pack in the back". And I was like, "Awww... where's the RAM pack?" And me dad's goin', "I don't know, I've got you the main bit. That's- that's it."... So, I was that wound up, I just was sick, right--

karl: Just sick. I w- I didn't feel sick or anything, I just was like, "Oh, God!", went to the sink, just- just sick.

karl: Cuz I was that on edge about it.

karl: I said, "Come on, we've gotta get one", and me dad's like, "Tandy's shut. We're not gonna- we're not gonna get anything today."

karl: Ruined again, Christmas Day. That was after the year when me train set got blown up by our kid. The following year - no RAM pack. And now you ask me why I don't get good presents.

steve: (Laughing) He's scarred. You just- just threw up.

ricky: I'm gonna die. Honestly, I'm gonna die. (Laughing) Just being sick.

steve: Yeah. "There's no RAM pack?! (Vomit Sound)"

ricky: Why wasn't- did you get to the bottom of it? Why wasn't there a RAM pack?

karl: You have to buy them seperate.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Oh, okay.

steve: "What do you mean I can't play 'Frogger'?! (Vomit Sound)"

ricky: Oh no!

steve: So, uhm, wasn't there another incident when you threw up? Spontaneously threw up.

karl: Ohhh.

steve: Through sheer anxiety.

karl: I- I do get it- it's not so much now cuz I've- I've relaxed a bit but as a kid I used to be quite on edge all the time with certain things.

ricky: Do you think that's what happened with your cat bein' sick?

steve: The wind.

ricky: That it didn't get the food it wanted and it just threw up. Do you remember that?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: God. So they shaved it.

karl: Yeah, but again, you see, the cat thing... I mean, it's mad, I was thinking about it the other day, right- I used to think I had quite a normal upbringing.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) You didn't.

karl: Right. And someone was talkin' about the cat--

steve: Your mother once told you not to go to school because it was windy, Karl!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It was not a normal upbringing.

ricky: The cat was bein' sick so she shaved it, so it was easier to clean.

karl: Right, well me mam and dad went on holiday, right--

steve: Uh huh.

karl: And I stayed at the Ross', down the road...

ricky and steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Only a kid - must of been about 5 or something, right?

karl: And, uhh, I was always runnin' around in the house, I had a lot of energy as a kid.

karl: What the Ross' did - they had this cat that was dead violent, the most violent, sort of, angry cat I have ever witnessed--

ricky: (Laughing) I love this!

steve: A tiger!

karl: It was- honestly Steve... if it was bigger, it would have been cuz it was just always havin' a go at ya.

steve: Yeah.

karl: If you went to pat it on the head, it went to bite ya and stuff and what they used to do with it to stop me runnin' around- I'd, sort of, be runnin' around and I'd get a bit tired, and they'd say, "Have a lie down on the settee." So, I'd- I'd lie down on the settee and I'd nod off and what they used to do- I'd wake up and they'd have put the cat on me belly.

karl: Right. So, I'd be scared to move cuz it's like, "It's gonna get me."

ricky: But it would keep you... there.

karl: Right, it kept me there and it used to, sort of, slobber on me and they'd, sort of, go out or whatever and I'd be lying there... That's not normal, is it?

steve: Karl, sorry, were you created by the Brothers Grimm for one of their fairy tales? What kind of life is that?!

karl: I know.

ricky: A- a cat paperweight to keep Karl in place.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly.

ricky: "He keeps blowing around, it's windy." "We'll have to weight him down!" "Be caref-" Your mum probably told 'em, "It's a windy you gotta keep something heavy on him, otherwise he just gets blown into the road." God!

steve: Bless him. Karl, let's just hear your, uh- your thing once more--

karl: One more time.

steve: Give people a final chance.

karl: All right, here we go.

steve: [email protected]

ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Oohhh, those chili peppers are quite hot! "Can't Stop", XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

karl: All right?

ricky: Karl, you know what- you know what the time is. BONGG--

ricky: "Monkey News".

karl: Yeah.

karl: Uhhh... Right...

steve: Imagine if Trevor McDonald started like this.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There's- there's been a lot of stuff going on and that... with monkeys.

steve: Oh, yeah.

karl: I've also- I was mentioning earlier how we're, sort of, making a groature- the groat- the feature grow a bit.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: All right? So I'm thinking...

karl: Oh, I haven't told ya, Steve, either! I've actually been asked to write a thing about monkeys.

steve: A poem? A what?

karl: No, no for a magazine called, uh, something "apes".

steve: Right.

karl: They want me to--

ricky: ???

karl: They want me to do, uhh, like, a column, 500 words about--

steve: About- about monkeys?

karl: Anything I want on monkeys. Anything.

steve: What are you gonna write?

karl: Don't know, I've... you know, think about it and--

ricky: Well, give him a typewriter, he'll come up with (Laughing Slightly) the complete works of Shakespeare eventually.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: But anyway--

steve: You could write about that. Why don't you write about that? You don't- the fact that you don't believe it... You don't believe that an infinite number of monkeys--

ricky: Because- because- cuz--

steve: Could type the works of Shakespeare.

ricky: Because you reckon that most of 'em hadn't read Shakespeare so they wouldn't know the- some of the spellings.

steve: Exactly.

karl: It wouldn't happen.

ricky: Ya idiot, get on with it.

steve and karl: All right--

karl: The, uh- there's been a few things but one that springs to mind... is, uh... they found a load of monkeys somewhere. All right?

ricky: This is brilliant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean imagine this- if this was the news.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uhhh...

ricky: Where?!

steve: Somewhere.

karl: Think it was in, uhh...

ricky: Seventeenth century?

karl: Uhhhhhh... I don't- it doesn't matter, that bit, right...

steve: Okay.

karl: Found a load of monkeys--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That are, uh, havin' a good chat.

ricky: (Laughing) G- go on.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) They're having a good chat. All right.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: They found monkeys that can talk...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ehhhm, about- they've worked out they've got about 534 different words that they're using... to, like, have a chat about stuff.

steve: More than you.

ricky: Yeah, what do they chat about, then?

karl: Just, you know, things that monkeys are worryin' about.

karl: Just... you know, "Where'd you get that from?" Uhhh--

karl: You know--

steve: "Who does you hair?"

ricky: "You're goin' out with her again, are ya?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Ooh, yeah." So--

steve: "Have you seen that, uh--"

ricky: Sorry, you can't just leave that!

steve: No, no, no, I'm just intrigued- I'm just intrigued to know what else. Is there any--

karl: No, I mean, that- that was--

steve: Were they discussing the "humanzee"? "Did you see that program on Channel 5?"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "He can walk upright."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was good, wannit?

steve: "Did you see how human he was?"

ricky: But, I mean, what- what do you mean? They taught them- they taught- they taught themselves this language?

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Where? Where is this? In the wild, is this, is it?

karl: Ehhm--

ricky: Not sign language but--

karl: It's in some jungle somewhere. They found these monkeys- they heard some, you know- some explorer was over there cutting through the- the woods and that--

ricky: And he heard his name--

karl: Heard some--

ricky: And he thought, "That's-" he went, "What do you want, Ronnie?", he went, "It wasn't me, I didn't say--"

karl: Yeah.

ricky: "I didn't say, 'Oy, Snodgrass where'd you get that gun?'"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah exactly.

ricky: "Well I- well... there's only me and you here."

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

karl: It's weird, innit?

ricky: No, it's not weird, it's not true.

karl: Well--

ricky: Right, come on, then. What's next?

karl: Once again- but what I'm think- well, I mean, that did happen--

ricky: So, well--

karl: Uhhhm, and to, sort of, add to that feature...

ricky: Th- that's not true.

karl: We're doin', uhh, "Cheap as Chimps".

steve: Right. Can I just say now to the audience, if you thought that "Rockbusters" was bad, if you thought that that piece of rubbish earlier about the Chinese hairy kid was- was bad, I- I'm suspecting this is gonna be really not very good at all. I don't- I'm not- I'm just pointing the finger- I--

ricky: What do you think of him? What do you think of his negativity, Karl? And- and- just based--

karl: He just keeps- he keeps doin' it.

steve: I just don't think you should start with the name of the quiz first! This is my c- this is my only concern... You- you- you come up with "Cheap as Chimps" and (Laughing Slightly) now you're trying to construct a game around that.

karl: We'll see who--

steve: And I'm not sure it's a proper- well, okay, let's- what is the game? Let's hear it.

karl: Right, it's about, uhhh, a chimp... right?

steve: Surprising.

karl: Ehh, spoke to an expert about 'em.

karl: Ehhhm--

steve: Who was the expert?

karl: Someone at London Zoo.

steve: Okay.

karl: Ehhhmm, how many bananas... do you think the little chimp that they've got at London Zoo eats a day?

steve: Right.

steve: How many bananas does a little chimp at London Zoo eat--

ricky: Is this- can they call in for this?

karl: I- I'd leave it. I'm just testin' it out on Steve because we've already got an email thing goin' on here.

steve: So how many bananas do they eat a day? One chimp, per day, how many bananas?

karl: Yep.

steve: How many bananas does a chimp eat a day? And does this mean that- cuz sometimes I've seen them on telly- they'll just peel one, they'll eat a bit of it and then throw it away - we're talking about a whole banana?

karl: How many bananas does it eat a day?

ricky: (Giggling) Gettin' angry!

steve: Uhm, how many bananas do you eat a day?

ricky: (Giggling) Gettin' angry. Come on.

karl: Well, I'll- I'll try and have two if I've got time--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

karl: But I'm pretty busy.

steve: Well, I'll go--

steve: Swingin' on your tire?

karl: How many- how many do you reckon?

steve: I- I think, uhh, a little monkey, tiny little monkey, per day, (Laughs Slightly) uhh, over the course of a day, I reckon he probably eats fifteen bananas.

karl: All right, Ricky what are you goin' for?

karl: Little chimp at London Zoo.

ricky: But, hold on- but presumably they don't only feed it bananas...

karl: Okay.

ricky: So it's- so it's- so the question is--

steve: It's "How many bananas does it eat?" Come on, Rick!

ricky: Yeah, but how many does it get given?! It would eat fifteen if it was given fifteen but it might be given, uh, one slice of banana, fifteen oranges, two hundred potatos and some lettuce!

steve: How many bananas does it eat? Come on!

ricky: Five.

steve: Have a guess.

karl: Five?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right... It's only one.

ricky: Yeah, cuz it only gets given one.

karl: Cheap as chimps!

steve: What?!

karl: So, it's pretty cheap to have a chimp.

ricky: Right, I--

ricky: I'm on your side now, Steve.

steve: I don't understand what happened then! What- so, at the end of it you always shout, "Cheap as chimps!"?

steve: (Laughing) Is that- what- that's the quiz, is it?!

ricky: Aw, play a record, Karl.

steve: Wait a minute. So, is that it? Is that seriously it?

ricky: Is that it? Was that- was that the first installment of "Cheap as Chimps"?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We'll have to see what the press say about this.

steve: And- and, uhm- and why does it only eat one banana, cuz it only get's given one banana?

karl: I think that's all it wants.

ricky: No!

steve: So you don't even know! You didn't even bother to ask--

ricky: No, it wouldn't- it wouldn't just get given one banana and nothing else, it would get given a banana and lots of other stuff like apples, oranges, carrots- it would get given a balanced diet.

steve: Cigars.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

karl: Anyway...

ricky: So it's just- there's just- how many do they give it at London Zoo?

steve: I look forward to playin' this again.

steve: Bill Withers, "Who Is He (And What Is He To You?)". We have not had any successful answers on your quiz, Karl. We've had people who've got a maximum of four--

ricky: That's what you get when you put a duck in a microwave.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Bill Withers.

steve: Nice.

ricky: All right?

steve: Cheers. Uhm, and, uhh, the- so I'm not talking about- I'm not talking about, uhmm, "Cheap as Chimps", that--

ricky: That's safe. That's gonna run and run!

steve: That's- that's- yeah--

ricky: That is gonna run and run.

steve: That- that's really got legs!

ricky: I- we're- I am gonna check the press, Monday. I can only assume it's a triumph.

steve: (Laughing) Exactly. Another Pilkington triumph.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm gonna give the prize, if you don't mind, Karl, to Karen and Jeff Gilean because they're the only one that got- they were the only couple that got, uh, the second answer which was very, very tricky--

ricky: But they got four, did they?

steve: But they only got four right.

ricky: But four was the top answer so should we give the answers now?

steve: So, play it Karl and then tell us who each one is.

karl: All right.

karl: So there ya go--

ricky: I didn't know the second one.

steve: Play it again.

karl: "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

steve: So, the first one The Lars.

karl: The Lars.

ricky: "There She Goes".

karl: Alright?

steve: That's George Harrison.

karl: No.

ricky: That's Philip Bailey.

ricky: And that's Deacon Blue.

karl: Right. So it was- it was The Lars--

ricky: Yeah, what's the second one?

karl: Strokes.

steve: Ohhh, that was very tricky.

ricky: That is hard.

karl: George Harrison for "hairy"--

ricky: Harrison, yeah.

karl: That's all I could get. It was "Hare".

ricky: "Hare Krishna", yeah.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Uh, no. Uhh, "Chinese": Phil Bailey.

steve: Uh huh.

ricky: "Chinese Wall" it is.

karl: Yeah. And Deacon Blue "Real Gone Kid".

ricky: "Real Gone Kid", yeah.

karl: "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

steve: Very, very hard.

ricky: Yeah. I love the fact that the normal bit of that, right- the normal bit is, like, the well-known phrase "There's this hairy Chinese kid".

steve: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Like... nothing happened there. That's normal.

ricky: "There's this hairy Chinese kid" as a phrase that often- in fact, you're right, we must have said that phrase twenty times today.

ricky: What- when was the last time that was said twenty times?

steve: Never. I don't think it's ever been said anywhere.

ricky: "There's this hairy Chinese kid". I d- I mean--

steve: Even in China!

ricky: I don't think it's e- well, it's very rare in Ch--

karl: Definitely not said in China.

karl: The prizes they've won?

steve: The prizes they've won: "Red Dwarf" DVD, "Live Forever" the best of Britpop, "Marion and Geoff" on VHS and "The Best of Led Zeppelin". "Well done" to Karen and Jeff Gilean.

ricky: I've also seen no proof of this hairy Chinese kid.

steve: None hhhwhatsoever.

ricky: Alpinestars, "Burning Up" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Steve, you were out of the room, there.

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: Karl took a phone call from someone.

steve: Okay.

ricky: He's found a cellmate.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

ricky: Not a soulmate, I think one day they will be cellmates...

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yes.

ricky: Because he's just like- he loves everything Karl loves and he was telling Karl stuff and Karl's face was lighting up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He told him of two Russian kids in the circus. They were covered in hair and their mum tells them off cuz they were covered in fleas--

ricky: Karl said, "See that annoys me again, innit. They just- they do something else." and the bloke went, "Yeah, they should just make money out of bein' hairy."

ricky: Karl went, "Exactly!" and the- and he said, "Have you heard of the one- the three-legged juggler?" and the bloke went, "No, what's that?", he went, "That annoys me as well." Because he thinks they shouldn't of done jugglin', they should have done football.

karl: Do you know what I mean though, Steve?

steve: What do you mean a three-legged juggler? What are you talking about?!

karl: There's a famous three-legged juggler.

ricky: Awww, he's mega-famous!

ricky: He's like the Beckham of wherever he's from!

karl: But the other day I was lookin' in, I don't know, "Bizarre Magazine" or something, right. And there was this fella who, uhh- he had no arms... Uhh, so you saw a picture of him. His job was fixin' watches - did it with his feet.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Well, it's just- why pick the most- hardest job to do when you haven't got any hands.

karl: Crush grapes.

karl: Or...

karl: Do you know what I mean? That- that annoys me.

ricky: Ohhhh! "Crush grapes"! Imagine him bein' told that at the--

ricky: He comes in to the- uh, uh, careers advisory, they- they go, "Now, uhh, what do you want to do, Hargreaves?" "Uh, make watches." "Right, take a look at your arms. Crush grapes, mate."

ricky: "Sorry?" "You're a grape crusher. Next!"

ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant. I would love you to be a career advisory i- in some, sort of... clinic. It'd be brilliant.

karl: Well...

steve: I love the fact that it annoys you. Here's a man, he's got no arms, he has learned to fix watches with his feet--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: An incredible talent, an incredible skill, he's utilizing that brilliantly, that's annoying to you. You are angered by it.

karl: Rght, I'm- I'm only being honest. Now you be honest, right? Your watch is broke, who would you go to?

karl: You're in a rush. You need it fixed and in a rush.

karl: Now, you need some fresh wine...

steve: "Be honest..."

ricky: Ahhh, Karl, you're amazing.

karl: But, what's this thing that you've been talkin' about? This video?

ricky: "Freaks". Right, it was a thing that was banned for, like, fifty years. Ehh, I think it's been taken off again but I don't know why- if it's just been deleted. Right, I- I- this is a quest, if anyone out there has got a copy of "Freaks" on DVD or VHS, can Karl borrow it, please? I just- I mean, I almost want to set up a camera to see him watchin' it. Ehm, it's absolutely real, they use people in the circus of the time - I think it was the '20s or '30s and depression - and there's- there's people- there's coneheads, there's a bearded lady - all genuine - there's a bloke they call "The Human Slug" who's got no arms and no legs, Karl, and he's just there and he rolls a cigarette and lights it... with his mouth.

karl: I think I've seen his brother...

karl: Who isn't called "The Human Slug"... he's called "The Pillow".

steve: (Laughing) Right. How does he make a living?

karl: He, uh...

ricky: (Laughing) Does anyone want to meet Karl for money?

ricky: Do you know what I mean? I like that--

karl: The annoying thing was, right, there was a picture of him, I was gonna put it on our--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "I think I've seen his brother".

karl: I've- on our website, we've- we've put things up like this, right. If you go to [email protected]/--

ricky: What, you put things like that on my website?! It's nothing to do with me. I want people to know that that website is not kept or looked at by me. So, I don't- what have you put on there?!

karl: There's a fella on there who's known as "The Pillow".

ricky: (Laughing) God!

karl: And he's- you see, I get a bit worried with things like this cuz we're not, sort of, havin' a go or anything, it's just things that--

ricky: Fascinate you.

karl: Fascinate me. Yeah. And, uhhm- yeah, it's a guy- it might- it might be the same sort of thing- what's your one called?

ricky: I bet you used to stare at people with goiters, didn't you, when you were little... in Tescos?

karl: Well, just go- go to xfm.co.uk/ricky, it is.

ricky: What's the worst thing you've ever seen on, like, a human face?

karl: You know- you know what it is and that--

ricky: What is it?

karl: I don't want to talk about it.

ricky: I can't remember.

karl: Well--

ricky: Have you told me?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What is it?

karl: But go to the- go to the--

ricky: It's not the elephant lady that you...?

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Is it the elephant lady? You've talked about that on air.

karl: Well, don't want to talk about it again. Go to the website and see "The Human Pillow".

karl: A--

steve: Why is he a human pillow?

karl: That's what annoyed me, I thought he was more of a draught excluder.

steve: Aw, that breaks all kinds of rules!

ricky: Buzzcocks, "Harmony In My Head". Now, things are flying here at XFM. W- we- people have called in, there is a video of "Freaks" on the way, Karl's gonna see that within the week. That's exciting. That's exciting for me, do ya know what I mean?

steve: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

ricky: About the education of Karl. We started off trying to teach him about science and history and now we just find that he likes pictures of hairy Chinese kids and...

karl: Who doesn't?

ricky: Women- "who doesn't", no, true. You've got a theory about pictures of freaks, haven't ya?

karl: Uhhhh... it.... I- y- ya see, you always bring things up that I don't want to talk about. Cuz I'm- I'm really worried that people- if you've just tuned in for the first time, it's the first time you hear it and we're talking about hairy Chinese kids--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Talking about "The Human.... Worm"--

ricky: Karl- Karl, listen, people don't think that you're taking the piss out of those people - they lump you in with them.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They- do you know what I mean? They- they think that you're a freak of nature. S- so you can say anything you want. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Cuz it's honest, it's from the heart, it's geniune... So, don't worry about that--

karl: Yeah, but Suzanne was sayin' last night that I- I've just- I've got a heart of stone or whatever it is.

ricky: Why?

karl: Because- because I wasn't cryin' at "Comic Relief"... And all- all I- was just to say to her, "Get out 'Elephant Man', let me watch that for thirty minutes, I'll be cryin' me heart out."

ricky: Why? Why do you care about that but not...about--

karl: Because it's- that- that is more real, innit, right. Think of John Merrick--

ricky: Sorry, sorry... What, the film starring John Hurt is more real than footage of starving people in Africa?

karl: No, but what I'm sayin' is - think about... See, this is why I didn't want to bring it up because people are gonna--

karl: Just say--

ricky: Well you're allowed to cry at what you like, you can't h- people can't have you for not crying at sommat and crying at sommat else.

karl: Yeah, but imagine- imagine- imagine that. Like, if you've seen the film, you know, his head's all, you know, messed up and that.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: He's gettin' picked on all the time...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: It's just--

steve: By Michael Elphick, I remember.

ricky and karl: Yeah.

karl: It's just really, really sad. Whereas, you know, we're trying to help out people--

ricky: But ya- ya give him a bun and he forgets it.

karl: D'ya know what I mean, though?

steve: He never forgets, Rick.

ricky: (Laughing) Ohhh, dear!

karl: Anyway...

ricky: Awww, God!

karl: We're givin' away stuff again.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ehhm, time for "Fi--"

ricky: Tell 'em your theory about pi- pi- freaks who have their picture taken.

karl: No, I- I'd leave it. Leave it.

ricky: No, can I tell you--

karl: We'll do it next week, though.

ricky: Can I tell you what this is?

steve: Go on. Quickly, what is it?

ricky: Right, when he sees a little picture, like in these books he's got - he carries 'round those things, right--

steve: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: And there's, like, a fella with a little head with some, like, uh, uh, able-bodied people, he goes, "The only reason- he must know the only reason they've got to take that picture, right, was so they could show their mates, say, 'Look at me with the fella with the little head.'"

ricky: That's what- that's his theory.

steve: Yeah. That every picture of a- of a- of a freak, they're being--

karl: Steve, let me describe the picture to ya.

karl: This little fella with a little head...

steve: Right.

karl: Playing n- on the piano...

steve: (Laughing Slightly) I've seen it!

karl: All his family stood around and mates and that. When have you ever seen a picture of someone playing the piano and everybody wants to be in on it?

steve: (Laughing) Right.

karl: Doesn't happen.

steve: Maybe it was one of those, kind of, Christmas Cards they send out to everyone.

karl: It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't. You could see one of 'em, it was, like, in a rush to go away, he was probably... eh, planned to go out, and he was like- but they were takin' a picture, it's, "Aww, I'll be in it then before I go out". And it was all- it's out of order.

steve: Yeah.

karl: If you se- do you know the one I mean?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) I do know the one you mean, yeah.

karl: There you go, then.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What about the one in the, uhh- when you went down to Cornwall - in that little pub?

karl: We'll talk about that next week?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What- what- you wanna get on, do ya?

karl: Yeah. Right, we've gotta give away a- uh, another prize?

steve: Yes. Um, you lucky, lucky people, for those of you who haven't seen it and do not have the requisite four pounds ninety-nine to buy it yourselves--

steve: You can win on VHS cassette, panned and scanned...

steve: "Billy Elliot: The Special Edition"! Includes bonus documentary "The Billy Elliot Boy". And, uhm--

ricky: Ooh, I- I'd like to see what- how they really, sort of, got- made that film.

steve: Exactly. Well, it's the- it's the, uh- it's the hit film "Billy Elliot" and you can win that on VHS, uhm, because Karl, I assume you have included yourself in an excerpt from the movie.

karl: Taken a scene from the film.

steve: Uh huh.

ricky: Who do you play - Billy?

karl: I'm playing the part of Billy.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: And, uh, we'll have a question at the end of it.

ricky: Come on!

steve: Brilliant.

karl: All right? (Sniffs) Just been, uh- just been down the ballet. I'll tell ya, they're not half-way, uh...

karl: What are you lookin' like that for? What's wrong with ballet?

dad: "What's wrong with ballet?"

karl: Yeah, w- what's wrong with it? It keeps ya fit and that. What do you think Auntie Nora? What do you think about me doing ballet?

auntie nora: I used to go to ballet!

karl: There ya go. She used to go to ballet.

auntie nora: They used to say I coulda been a professional dancer if I'd had the trainin'!

karl: Bet you were pretty good, weren't ya? ... Wasn't the time you, uh- wasn't the time you had wind for five minutes, was it? Bet you well glided across the floor.

dad: Would you shut up!

karl: Well, what's wrong with ballet anyway?

dad: It's for girls! N- not for lads, Billy. Lads do football or--

karl: Well... I've done that, yeah.

dad: Boxing or--

karl: Did that for a couple of weeks, so...

karl: Wrestlin'?

dad: Wrestlin'!

karl: Yeah, wrestlin', yeah.

dad: Not friggin' ballet!

karl: Well... don't worry about it. Anyway, just...

karl: Is it alright if me mate Wayne stays over tonight? He just wants to sleep over. He's just comin' over to--

dad: Wayne? Sleep?

karl: Yeah. He just stays over... I'm not gay or anything! It's just- I don't fancy him! I'm not--

dad: Yes, you do.

karl: I don't!

dad: Yes, you bloody-well do!

karl: Well... What, just- just because I want me mate Wayne to sleep over and I've started doing ballet, that- that turns me into a gay man, does it?

karl: You haven't seen me Village People album lying around...?

dad: You're askin' for a hittin'!

karl: Just jokin'! Just havin' a- just havin' a laugh... just... didn't mean...

karl: I've had enough in here, I'm going out.

dad: Stop! I'm not lying to you. Stay here, look out for your Nana! Got it?!

karl: Yep.

dad: Good!

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Well, there it is. What's the question?

steve: Powerful. Uh, I'd like to know: what was the name of the actor that Karl was taking the role of? Does that make sense? That's not--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Grammatically quite right--

ricky: Well--

steve: But anyway, yeah...

ricky: It's fine.

steve: Who was the, uh- who was the young lad that, uh, Karl was taking the place of, there? Name the actor not the character.

karl: And just email in, [email protected]

ricky: You gotta be fast!

steve: You can win yourself- you can--

ricky: You gotta be fast!

steve: You can win yourself a VHS edition of "Billy Elliot" worth four pounds ninety-nine pence.

ricky: Ninety-nine.

steve: I'm gonna leave the, uh, sticker on which has actually got the price on.

ricky: Brilliant!

steve: Gonna leave that on so you know just what you've got in your hand.

ricky: Foo Fighters- no it's not... Yes it is.

karl: It's Feeder.

steve: Feeder.

ricky: Feeder.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I don't know what I'm doing now. Why have we got to stop - sorry, we just had an argument, then - why have we got to stop at five to?

karl: It's just, uh, the f- the football's on, innit? So...

ricky: So we- wh- what can we do? We can do a link here and then we can play- we'll play--

karl: We'll talk here, we'll play a song, do a little chat--

ricky: What about the competition? We've gotta announce the competition.

karl: Well, Steve...

steve: Well, I can tell you right now that, uhm- that only two people, it would appear that are interested in a VHS copy of "Billy Elliot". That's how mediocre that gift and that prize is. Karl, I don't know if you want to learn from that.

karl: Go on.

steve: But I'm gonna give this one tooo, uhhh, N.J. McKay... who has correctly identified that you were taking the part of Jamie Bell--

ricky: That's it.

steve: In "Billy Elliot". So, uh, well done.

karl: Right, just forward me that and I'll, uh--

steve: Sort that out.

karl: They'll get the video.

ricky: What film are you doin' next week?

karl: Dunno, I've got, uhh- been out and bought a couple. Got, uh, "Silence of the Lambs", I can do something with.

ricky: Right.

karl: Uh, bought "Fight Club" but it's a bit difficult. Uhh, you know, always- always open to suggestions and that so if you've got any favorite films you want--

steve: What about the 1930s film "Freaks"?

ricky: Can't wait. I can not wait for your--

karl: Be brilliant. That'll be good.

steve: Excited about that.

ricky: Why don't you do a film review of that next week as well?

karl: Yeah. Well, it depends. If the fella, you know- if anyone's got it, just send it in and I'll send it ya back once I've watched it. So that'll be good. Uhh, next week we'll do, uhh--

steve: Oh, please, please, please tell me there's gonna be more "Cheap as Chimps"!

karl: Yep.

steve: Oh, thank goodness!

ricky: We'll see what the press say. We'll see what the press say about that.

steve: Looking forward to that.

karl: Do you know, like, you're always havin' a go at my ideas?

steve: Yeah! Yeah.

karl: Little, uh- you know, "Cheap as Chimps" you put down--

steve: Mm-hm.

karl: Again, I- I normally come up with these because you don't come up with a competition idea.

steve: Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: (Exhaling) Fffffff. He's done him again.

karl: Well... "Cheap as Chimps" mind, ya dissin' it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: "Rockbusters", one of the most successful competitions ever...

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Uhhh--

ricky: And he means in the world not just on XFM.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: You put that down.

steve: Yup.

karl: Right. Uh, what are you thinking about this, right, I was watchin' "Comic Relief"--

steve: Okay.

karl: Last night. Came up with an idea.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Right. Ya get Jono...

steve: Okay.

karl: Right?

steve: Jono Coleman, yeah.

karl: Uhhh, say, Vanessa Feltz...

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Uhhh, you know, maybe, you know, Dawn French cuz- cuz she'd be around for that. And then get 'em all in a room for "Comic Relief". And what you do: put a cake in front of 'em...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, and w- and, like, ya- ya don't feed 'em and, like, they're goin', "Aww, I'd love a bit of that cake." Right?

karl: It's called "Famine Academy".

steve: Right.

karl: Right? Whilst they lose pounds, they get pounds.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

karl: What do you think?

steve: Play a record, Karl.

karl: Well--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love it, Karl. I love it, Karl.

karl: Again- again- do you know what I mean? Yet again.

ricky: I love it... Brilliant.