XFM Vault - S02E31 Transcript

ricky: Ooh, that's them Red Hot Chilli Peppers and they can't stop. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. You're listening to XFM 104.9. Coming through today, it's noisy again out there.

steve: It's a nightmare.

ricky: Lot of people marching up and down.

steve: What's that about?

ricky: Well, from what I can work out, there's hundreds of em, millions of em, and they're all- and they're all shouting really loudly "what do we want? Peace! When do we want it? Now! What do we want? Peace!" I wanna go "ssh!"

steve: Yeah, chill!

ricky: We all want a bit of peace on a Saturday!

steve: Yes!

ricky: Keep it down!

steve: Please! I can barely hear myself think!

ricky: I know! And he's not listening. Tony's not listening. He can't even hear.

steve: You may as well give up, he's not listening! There was a million of you last time. It didn't do anything!

ricky: Hey, but Steve, that's no attitude. Do you know what? I couldn't find Boy George's 'War, War is Stupid', so here's a bit of Dylan.

ricky: Bob Dylan. “The Times They Are a-Changin’” on X--

steve: The thing is, Rick. Thing is, Rick, it makes me wonder if, uh, the times- are they changing? I mean, it seems to me that life’s pretty much the same as it was way back in the sixties when Bob Dylan wrote that song.

ricky: Got any idea what you’re talking about?

steve: No idea whatsoever, Rick.

ricky: You don’t really know about politics, do ya?

steve: Nope, know anything about it. Don’t even read the papers, got no-no interest, really.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Not particularly informed, my life’s cushty. Uh, won some awards and stuff, didn’t bother me. So, um--

ricky: On a serious note, though, it is a bit worrying.

steve: What?

ricky: Do I have to get gas masks or summat?

steve: No, because there are guys out there in Leicester Square today wearing novelty hats.

steve: If they don’t sort this war out--

ricky: Oh worries.

steve: Then no one can.

ricky: Okay. Well, I’m not gonna talk about it anymore.

karl: You see, you see, you-you would worry about it.

ricky: I would worry about it?

karl: Well, you. Maybe Steve.

ricky: Why?

karl: Sort of people who-who are successful are worrying about it more than other people. Just cause--

ricky: Go on.

karl: Well, they’ve got more to lose, haven’t they?

steve: Right.

karl: No, d’you know what I mean? You see, like, Bruce Willis on the telly saying, “Oh.”

karl: “It’s not good, is it?” And it’s because he’s got a big house and loads of cars. If you live, you know, on a council estate it’s like, “Well… if it gets bombed, probably doing us all a favour. We’ll get nice, new blocks of flats to live in an’ that.” It happened with Manchester! With the, with the bomb that happened and they bombed the Arndale Centre. Did us a favour. Got a nice, new Marks & Spencers an’ that.

ricky: So this- hold on. This puts a whole new twist on the argument when people say bombing the world’s poorest countries is wrong. Cause I remember when the Afghan problem was on, people were saying, “Bombing the world’s poorest country’s wrong,” but-but it’s like home improvement, according to you then.

steve: Yeah. Cause they’ve got a brand new B & Q, have they, over now?

steve: They’re popping down there every Sunday.

karl: Anyway. Let’s not go on about it, cause--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, think what you’re saying.

karl: Yeah, I know.

steve: “My family was killed, but look! A Carpet Warehouse!”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: D’you know, I-I-I think, you know, people don’t want to hear about this today from us. They want to hear, you know, the new features, the "Songs of Phrase."

steve: Woah. What’s "Songs of Phrase?"

karl: It’s the feature we started last week--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: Where we, where we take clips of songs, we make up a phrase from the show.

ricky: I mean, a famous phrase. Last-last week’s world famous phrase was “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You’ll remember.

steve: Yes.

karl: Well, it was, it was called "Crosswords" last week, but Phil e-mailed in a good suggestion.

steve: Right.

karl: Said, “Call it 'Songs of Phrase.'”

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: "Songs of Phrase." "Songs of Phrase." Per-perfect.

karl: So we’ll lose that.

ricky: Have we got- are we still going with “Cheap as Chimps?”

karl: Uh--

steve: We’re persevering with that, are we?

karl: Got-got some "Cheap as Chimps" lined up.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We’ll be doing that before three o’clock.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Great!

karl: Again, who else can say that?

steve: So, good. So for the next two hours everyone should just bury their head in the sand, ignore the world’s problems and, uh, enjoy Ch- features such as "Cheap as Chimps"--

steve: And--

ricky and steve: "Songs of Phrase."

karl: And a bit of Turin Brakes.

steve: Aw, class.

ricky: Oh!

ricky: Trying to stop suddenly in Italy. T.B. Turin Brakes. It’s like a “Rockbuster,” Karl.

karl: They were the good ol’ days.

ricky: I know. Yeah. “Pain Killer” on XFM 104.9. But look; “Rockbusters” is gone. Forget “Rockbusters.” Long live “Songs of Phrase.” Over to you Karl.

karl: Alright, well--

steve: You know “Rockbusters” was one of the things they were protesting about next- last time.

steve: That-that was one of- I just had to listen to them. They just kept stopping me in the street as I was trying to get to the tube. “You’ve got to stop ‘Rockbusters.’ It’s run out of steam,” they said and I’m glad.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s why they always do it on a Saturday.

ricky: Yeah! Yeah.

karl: They make their way to Leicester Square for three o’ clock.

ricky: Yeah. Right.

karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase.” Uh, what it is--

steve: “Songs of Phrase!”

karl: We take a phrase from the show. Last week it was, “There’s this hairy Chinese kid.” Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Today we’re going back to the good old line of, uh, that you never see an old man eating a Twix.

steve: Sure.

karl: Alright?

ricky: How long is that?

karl: No. “You’ll never see an old man eating a Twix.”

ricky: You’ll. Never. See. An. Old. Man. Eating. A. Twix.

karl: It’s not as many as you think, though. It’s not that many.

ricky: Well, how-how is it not that many!?

karl: Well, first of all, anyway, don’t worry about that. I think there’s about five, I think. Hang on a minute.

ricky: (sighing) Oh, God. Why do we leave him alone to do this, Steve?

steve: I don’t understand.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? He alway- it’s like- I tell you what, we were flying then--

karl: There’s six, six different songs.

ricky: Six different songs!

steve: That’s a lot to get, Karl.

karl: But what happened is, I couldn’t find a song with “Twix,” so we’ve changed the chocolate.

ricky: Oh, this is rubbish!

ricky: We’re not doing it. We’re not doing it. No, I mean, you’ve got to be punished. We’re not doing this. Do a--

karl: No, you’ll like it!

ricky: No, no, no. No, shut up, Karl. No. I-

steve: Well--

ricky: No, no, no, no! We’re not doing it.

steve: He’s put a lot of effort in.

ricky: So what?

steve: You’re right.

ricky: He’s got to do it right. He’s got to do it right. There’s too many, we’ve said too many. It’s not- he’s changed the thing. It’s not a one-off phrase. It’s ridiculous! It’s pointless.

steve: Rick, if only his parents had spoken like that to him sometime in the past--

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: We wouldn’t be in this discussion now.

ricky: Right, you’re not doing it.

karl: Aw, come on.

ricky: No! We’re not doing it. Steve, what have you- uh, what’d you think?

steve: I’ll tell you, we’ve got the prizes--

ricky: Yeah!

steve: But I’m not even going to bother giving- I’m not even going to bother. I-I think we’ll just share them out amongst, um--

ricky: Right, um--

steve: Homeless.

ricky: Absolutely. N-no. There’s-there’s troubles in the world and I’m not going to let you faff around doing nonsense like that.

karl: No, but--

ricky: It’s ridiculous!

karl: Let’s-let’s do it for this week.

ricky: No, let’s play a beautiful song. What do you think, uh--

steve: I’d love to hear a great song.

ricky: Yeah, “The Times They Are a-Changin.‘” We’ve said that. Um, “Look--

steve: Rick, I know you’re--

ricky: “at mother nature on the run. Look at mother nature on the run,” Steve!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Play it.

karl: So we’re not doing--

ricky: No!

steve: It’s your own fault.

ricky: Neil Young.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: “After the Gold Rush.” One of the most beautiful, poignant songs ever, I think.

steve: Great lyrics and that. “Look at mother nature on the run in the nineteen seventies.” I- forget the nineteen seventies, Rick. I’m beginning to wonder if, uh, that’s just as truthful nowadays in, uh--

ricky: Right--

steve: In the year two thousand and three.

ricky: I’ve told you before; you’ve got no idea. You don’t know anything about the world or politics so I don’t know why you persist.

steve: I don’t know why I keep saying it, meself, Rick. I’m a political incompetent. I don’t know why I keep spouting on with this drivel.

ricky: Right, it’s--

steve: It’s “The Guardian,” I think, that’s doing it to me.

steve: It’s all second-hand information. I just read it in there and I--

ricky: So it’s a good idea to keep--

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You don’t really care, do you, about anything in the world, really, as long as it doesn’t affect you?

steve: No, I’m got- I haven’t- exactly!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Unless I’m personally affected by these things, I don’t care less!

ricky: Well, I’m the same. Now, Karl. The big question, as we know, at the moment, is whether we’re going to let you do “Songs of Phrase” or not.

steve: Rick, I should tell you now there has been a flood of- oh, no there hasn’t.

steve: Sorry, I was, I was thinking there had been a flood of e-mails, but it was people agreeing with you, Rick.

ricky: I know, I know Tony Blair has been trying to get through.

steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.

steve: Um, I’m just checking the e-mails now. There’s-there’s absolutely nothing supporting you, Karl.

ricky: So, no one gives a sod either way about that.

steve: No, well that’s not fair. There were a couple of phone calls, weren’t there? One was a guy saying you should. I think the other one was you, Karl, was it? Phoning from the kitchen?

karl: Can we do it? Can we do it, right?

ricky: Uh, no!

karl: If you don’t like it, we won’t do it next week, but--

ricky: But-but--

karl: I’ve made it.

ricky: I don’t know what- I don’t know why you did that. I- we had thought of lots of stuff for you could do. You chose one where you have to have ten words and six songs to choose. You haven’t got “Twix.” I don’t know what you’ve substituted “Twix” for.

steve: Okay, I ne- I-I’ve got to say now, I’m gonna sit on the fence here. I’m quite intrigued.

ricky: Okay, right. Wha-what--

steve: To hear it.

ricky: What have you substituted “Twix” for?

karl: Well, you- I can’t tell ya!

steve: We’ll hear.

ricky: Course you can!

karl: No, I can’t because people have to listen to it and work out--

steve: Alright, let’s just hear it.

ricky: No!

steve: Let’s hear it--

ricky: No, no, no, no, no. They ha- they know what- they have to know what the word is. They have to tell what the song is or the, or the artist.

karl: I prefer just to play it.

ricky: No! You’ve got to tell ‘em what it is cause they might not even know what word they’re looking for!

steve: I think we should just- let’s just- let’s hear him out, Rick. Please. Democracy! That’s what we’re fighting for!

steve: Come on!

karl: Right, you turn them up.

ricky: Right. Okay, I’ve got me headphones on. Go on then!

karl: Alright.

steve: Okay, so, right. Hang on. The phrase, originally, was--

karl: Is, uh, “You never see an old man eating a Twix.”

steve: Right and we’re trying to identify the- well, a number of songs, which you’ve used to make up that phrase.

karl: And you e-mail in, XFM.co.uk/Ricky, with as many as you can get and whoever gets the most right--

ricky: It’s so complicated.

steve: It is complicated.

karl: It’s not!

ricky: So complicated.

karl: Alright, here we go. Here we go.

steve: I’m baffled by the e-mail address! I couldn’t figure that out.

ricky: What’s the e-mail address again?

karl: XFM.co.uk/Ricky.

steve: Right.

ricky: Alright?

steve: And there’s some link on there, is there, that--

karl: Yeah, that you just press and it comes through.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Alright, here we go and then, right?

steve: What? I missed a little bit at the end.

steve: Let’s here it again, let’s here it again.

ricky: “Mars bah bah bah.”

steve: Let’s hear it again.

ricky: Oh!

ricky: Oh, God! Okay. Say the prizes, Steve.

steve: Right, so how many songs were there? Do we know?

karl: Uh, I think it was six.

ricky: Ohh.

steve: You think there was six?

ricky: (singing) “And you’ll never. See. An old man. Eat-” Oh. F-oh, it might be five.

steve: Five or six.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Anyway! Why not e-mail in the answers and how many there were and, uh, you might be in with a chance of winning on DVD the original series of “Citizen Smith” with Robert Lindsay. That was good. Uh, Paul Whitehouse’s, uh, “Happiness.” The first series of that on DVD. We’ve also got couple of CDs here. “The Best of Britpop: Live.” “Live Forever,” Oasis, Blur, Radiohead and all the rest of them on there.

ricky: That’s alright.

steve: Supergrass’s, uh, current album as well.

ricky: That’s alright.

steve: I think it’s their current album. Yeah, it is. And, um--

ricky: Okay.

steve: Less convinced by this one. If I tell you that some of the artists include Del Amitri--

steve: And, uh, Deacon Blue then I know you’ll be rushing out later, Rick, to buy this. “Scotland Rocks!”

steve: A compilation of--

ricky: Is Wet Wet Wet on there?

steve: Uh, let’s see--

ricky: What about Bis? What happened to Bis?

steve: Let me see. I’m not going- I’ll tell ya, it doesn’t- I mean, we’ve got Gun on there.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: We’ve got--

ricky: (singing) “Oh, baby lately.”

steve: Uh, Aztec Camera.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Big Country, obviously.

ricky: Eh, Proclaimer’s not on there?

steve: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute, where’s Runrig? There they are. There they are and, uh, obviously Rafferty, “Baker Street.” (singing) Do do do, doodle loodle doo.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: So that’s-that’s definitely worth, um, entering for, surely.

karl: So, XFM.co.uk/Ricky. It- play it one more time.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Just-just- alright.

steve: Class. Pure class. Well done.

steve: Okay?

ricky: Yeah. Okay, play a record.

ricky: Oasis, “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl’s, uh, competition is in full swing now. I just want to remind you when playing “Songs of Phrase” and trying to guess the, uh, the songs and artists- what do you want, songs or artists?

karl: I think songs.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright.

ricky: But tha-that’s ambiguous, isn’t it, what a song title is, where--

steve: Yeah, I think it should be the artists, definitely.

ricky: Maybe the artist that cleans it up really- yeah?

steve: Yeah. Artists.

ricky: Should we do artists?

steve: Artists.

ricky: Okay, you know- if they know what it is cause tha-that’ll stop any ambiguity, won’t it? Um, and, uh, don’t worry if you haven’t got all of them because the winner last week didn’t have all of them, but it’s the-the closest one. I understand when you’re trying to guess what’s in Karl’s mind, you can only get so close.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? He’s-he wants us to bring in Derren Brown. He go, “Cause he won’t be able to read me mind.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I think he’s right.

steve: I think he might be.

ricky: I think he’s the one person that could outwit Derren Brown.

steve: Mm. Yeah.

ricky: Um, now, uh, moving on, Karl. If we have to.

steve: Well, should we just play it very quickly, uh, just play again--

ricky: Go on, then. One more time. Here it is, “Songs of Phrase.”

ricky: Cause-cause- because you have to get, you know- it is very difficult, so, you know, song or artist. We-we’ll give points if you’re, if you’re close to any of those and, uh, we’ll choose a winner, so, uh, you know, do--

steve: And what do points mean? Crap prizes!

ricky: XFM.co.--

karl: XFM.co.uk--

ricky: Right. Now. We’ve got people to send in, uh, a little thing of you last week, didn’t we? The film “Freaks.”

steve: You got a treat.

ricky: You got a few, you got a few sent in. You watched it, did ya?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Now I should just point out that the film “Freaks,” uh, for those that don’t know was a movie that was released in, I think, the- well, actually, it was del- it was originally made in about 1932, something like that, and then it was--

ricky: Banned for about fifty years!

steve: For many- for many, many years because it did, in actual fact, feature, for want of a better phrase, real life freaks.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, bearded ladies being one of the more, kind of, familiar ones.

ricky: Guy with no arms and legs.

steve: There’s all sorts and, uh, it was actually quite a- it’s quite a tender film, isn’t it, and actually portrays them as a kind of dysfunctional family. It’s not, it’s not exploitative in that sense, but, uh, what do you make of it, Karl?

ricky: Well, you were watching it for the freaks, weren’t ya?

steve: Ha!

karl: Yeah. I mean, I wish- it does take a while to get on to it. Where-

steve: What do you mean?

karl: Well, straight-away I was disappointed, right? Cause at the start, like, you put it in. It’s like, “Oh, brilliant. Here we go.” You know, I said to Suzanne, “We’ll watch this. We’ll have a good night.”

steve: Yeah. Have a romantic night.

ricky: (laughing) Was it her birthday?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “You’ve got your gloves, now we’re going to watch some freaks.”

karl: So, uh, put it on and it starts off and it’s like, you know, “The following film.” You think, “Ooh.” Like, “The following film is rated fifteen,” which means, you know, might contain scenes of violence, bad language and sex.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Mentioned nothing about pinheads!

steve: Right.

karl: So I thought they missed a trick there.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Alright? So I thought, “Well, let’s-let‘s--”

ricky: Ohh.

karl: “Let’s go ahead and watch--”

steve: And what exactly is a pinhead?

karl: Ohh. If you’ve seen it, you’d know.

steve: Okay.

karl: Right? So, uh, not the best thing in it, either. So imagine that.

steve: Okay, so you’re watching it…

karl: So, sat there. I think, “Alright.” Then something comes on and-and the little fellas on there, the little fella we were talking about, The Pillow Man--

steve: Right.

ricky: Is he the best thing in it?

steve: Now what’s The Pillow Man, again?

karl: He’s a fella who, years ago, uh- he’s got no arms and legs.

steve: Right. He’s just a torso.

karl: Just rolls- yeah. And, uh, there’s a scene where you see him, sort of, rolling a cigarette up just using his mouth--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it’s like he likes it an’ stuff. That-that’s weird. And then, uh, what else is on it?

ricky: Smoking stunts your growth.

karl: And then there’s a, there’s a little-little fella on it who- he’s fed up because he looks five, but he’s actually thirty-four.

steve: (chuckling) Right.

karl: Right? But there’s a woman--

karl: Who is forty-two and looked eight. So they both have the opposite thing, they were both really fed up and I kind of thought that shows that, you know, you always want what someone else has got.

steve: Sure.

karl: Do y’know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: So, in a way, there’s a story there--

steve: Yeah.

karl: In that.

ricky: No, you- they- you just described the same, there.

karl: No, no, no. No, it was like--

ricky: No, they both- you-you’ve just said they-they both looked young, but they were actually both older.

karl: No, no, no. This was like a little man--

ricky: Yeah. Who was thirty-five.

karl: Who was thir-thirty-five.

ricky: And looked eight.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And so did she.

karl: No, well the other way around, then.

ricky: What? So she was an eight-year old that looked thirty-five?

karl: Yeah. Oh, maybe not, then.

steve: Anyway!

ricky: No!

karl: But that-that wasn’t that weird. I kind of thought it's a slow start an' that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then, uh--

ricky: It’s not, it’s not a difficult film to follow.

steve: No.

karl: Yeah, but I wasn’t really listening to what it’s all about. I was just looking at what they had and they had, like, a fella who’s running about just--

ricky: He act like he was shopping!

karl: You know. Uh, they had a fella with no legs and he’s running about on his hands.

ricky: Right.

karl: And sort of got about on a skateboard. Talking to someone about it. They said that’s how “E.T.” was done. There’s actually a-a little fella in “E.T.--”

steve: Right.

karl: Who’s just half of, um, sort of half a body.

ricky: Is that true?

steve: I have no idea. I’ve never heard that before.

ricky: Why haven’t we heard that before?

steve: I’ve never heard that before.

ricky: I don’t think he would fit in E.T. Cause he’s got- cause where’s the head? He’s got no neck, E.T. It’s a skinny little thing. A human neck couldn’t fit in that skinny little neck.

karl: Well.

ricky: Well!

steve: Are you sure it wasn’t Kenny Baker up to his old tricks?

ricky: What are you talking about, Karl? There’s a fella with no legs in “E.T.?”

karl: In “E.T.,” they had two-two fellas, right? I think they had a little, um, a midget fella.

steve: Right.

karl: Who did it and then I think he was off sick and they were like, “Ooh.” You know, “What else are we gonna, just--”

ricky: You make- the-the- I--

steve: So-so a guy’s on a skateboard going by…

karl: And said, “Do you fancy some work?”

steve: (chuckling) Right.

karl: And he’s done it. I think- someone told me. I mean, it might be wrong.

ricky: Exactly!

karl: Might be wrong.

ricky: He might be, mightn’t be! I mean, you’ve never been wrong before so I don’t know why you’d be wrong there. So what’s the worst thing in it?

steve: Now, it’s intriguing to me because here’s a film called “Freaks” featuring real-life freaks and you’re sort of a bit nonplussed by it.

karl: Just cause it wasn’t- because it’s built up- if you call a video “Freaks,” you’ve got to make sure that there’s some good stuff on there.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What were you disappointed about? Was it that--

karl: Because there was a few things on it, right? There was a woman who said she was half man, half woman and it’s like, you’re not, are ya? It was just like she had some makeup on. I thought, “Well, that’s rubbish.” And then there was a woman who could eat using her feet. That isn’t that freaky, d’you know what I mean? If she’s not hungry, she looks normal.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that’s when I was thinking- I mean, I’m not being, not being- right, Steve. You know I’m not being funny.

steve: Oh, here we go.

karl: No, no, no, but I’m-I’m just saying…if that woman wasn’t eating and you were sat next to her--

karl: In that film.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I’d probably be, sort of, drawn to you more than her.

karl: I’m not…I-I know you hate me saying it, but there’s no point, sort of, pretending.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Oi! Muttley! What you- what are you sniggering about?

ricky: (laughing) The fact that he’s…what, you mean that there pe- ther are things in it that were less- what are you saying?

karl: I’m just saying--

steve: Play a record. Seriously, I’ll slap you. I’m going to slap you live on air.

karl: Yeah, but you always get--

steve: I’m going to- right, I’m slapping you live on air, I swear to God.

karl: Alright, play a song, then.

ricky: Just play a song.

karl: I’ll play the song.

steve: Keep the fader up!

ricky: Oh! Oh ho ho!

steve: Bruce Springsteen, “Atlantic City” from the album “Nebraska.”

ricky: It’s so melancholy, that one. I love that one.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Well. Um, so “Freaks,” then. All in all, not-not as, not as amazing as you first hoped.

karl: It was, it was built up too much. Do y’know what I mean?

ricky: Really?

karl: It’s like--

ricky: Is that my fault for getting you excited? I just can’t believe that I hand you this thing on a plate…

karl: I don’t know. And I’m not, I’m not being out of order, Steve, I'm just--

steve: Sure.

karl: I’m just being honest.

steve: Sure.

karl: We’ve always said that about this show.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: We only talk about stuff, you know--

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: That, you know, being honest an’ that.

steve: Yeah, no, sure.

karl: And I’ve-I’ve always said the first time I saw ya--

steve: Sure, no, no. You’ve always been honest and I’ve always been honest with you. I’ve always said that, you know, you’ve got the, uh, you’ve got the intelligence and insight of a gnat.

karl: Yeah, but if I, if I keep quiet, people don’t know that.

steve: Sure.

ricky: (laughing) Alright! Don’t get--

steve: Incredibly-incredibly you do, Karl, cause you look stupid, as well.

karl: Well. You know.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No, but Karl was being nice then. You-you don’t, you don’t--

karl: I’m just saying you’re a good bloke and now I’ve got to know ya--

steve: Sure. Yeah.

karl: Yeah?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: No, no--

karl: The first time was weird was when I saw ya.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: No, leave it. Don’t (unintelligent). Just let him get on with it.

karl: No, no, I’m-I’m just saying--

ricky: Okay.

karl: The first time--

steve: Yeah.

karl: It was weird an’ that and then weeks go by.

steve: Sure.

ricky: And you- okay.

karl: And the weird thing is, I kind of thought, “Maybe he’s not that odd-looking.”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: Right?

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: And then you went to L.A. for three weeks--

steve: Sure.

karl: And when you came back, it was like the first time again.

ricky: Right!

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Okay--

karl: No, I’m just--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Okay, no, just stop it now!

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Everyone stop it now!

steve: No, but I just, I just think I’m a little bit more consistent cause I’ve always thought you were an idiot.

ricky: No, no, no. (yelling) I don’t want this! Don’t argue! He was just- okay--

steve: No, I just, you know, I’m, you know what I mean. My opinion has never changed. I’ve always thought you’re a, you’re an idiot.

ricky: No! No. It’s just all nice. Let’s- look. Let’s- look. Peace.

steve: Shut up, fatso!

ricky: Peace, not war.

steve: He al- he’s just such a stirrer, isn’t he?

ricky: (chuckling) No!

steve: He loves it! Don’t think I didn’t see you whispering behind the microphone about what to say to Karl!

ricky: Look what I’ve just drawn, Karl. Subconsciously.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Let’s see.

ricky: I drew a picture of him that’s on- going to be on the website.

steve: That’s not been on the website.

ricky: No, it’s gonna be. I drew a little cartoon of him. No, not yours. I drew one of- I drew one of Karl.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, right, okay. Uh, what were we talking about? That was a--

karl: So, yeah--

ricky: Touchy moment.

karl: “Freaks,” then. It’s over and done with. It was alright. If you want to get it out on video--

steve: Sure, sure.

karl: Um, you know, it’s probably worth a look.

steve: Yeah.

karl: There’s a couple of things on there that get you thinking more, you know. It’s like h-how their life is an’ stuff, d’you know what I mean?

steve: Mm.

karl: How it’s affected and, like, the little Pillow Man or the fella who’s got half of his body missing.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know, it’s-it’s stuff like that you think, “Ooh.”

ricky: But you- but what’s the-the one that would disappoint you, you said it was a half man, half woman.

karl: Yeah, I don’t quite understand that one.

ricky: Do you mean hermaphrodite or half- I can’t remember it. Do you mean it was one, sort of, like… it had bits of both?

karl: It was just like a…half-half a face done in makeup and long hair. Then on the other side it had, it had it shaved.

ricky: I love the idea that you go to this circus and there’s people in there that-that have been, sort of, persecuted all their life and they think, “Well, maybe I can make some money” and then you boo them cause they’re not freakish enough. I love the idea they go out. “Boo! You’re not freakish enough. Boooo!”

ricky: “Oh, you’ve got bits of legs? Booooo!” Do you know what I mean?

karl: Yeah. But there was- I mean, talking about that, you see…why did they get- join the circus an’ that? Cause there are things they can do. I was telling you in the week that I was reading something on some news website about some sort of, uh, Olympic-style games.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Oh, God.

karl: Where they’re going to see, like, disabled people against able-bodies.

ricky: Right.

karl: Uh--

ricky: Let’s be careful here, shall we?

karl: No, I’m just saying, though.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Do you know what I mean? So there is other things. It doesn’t mean just cause you haven’t got legs, you can’t do other stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And in this race there’s, like, disabled people who are beating able-bodied people.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: At what?

karl: Would you go and see that? I don’t know.

ricky: But, I mean, it depends. Wha-wha-what do you mean, they’re beating them? Wha- how- what?

karl: I- it didn’t state what the, what the little races were an’ that.

ricky: “Little races.”

steve: He can’t help himself, can he?

ricky: I know, “little races.” “Oh, look. There’s the disabled with their little races.”

steve: “Yeah, they’re having a lovely little race.”

ricky: Oh, dear.

karl: Would you go? Would you go and…

ricky: Um…

karl: And watch that?

ricky: Do you remember when Jimmy thought that “Paralympics” stood for Paraplegic Olympics?

steve: The Paralympics?

ricky: Yeah, it’s- means Parallel Olympics.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He thought it meant Paralegic- Paraplegic Olympics. That would be a good s-sight, wouldn’t it? Mainly blow football.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Right. Okay. So, ma- what was that thing I told you to look up in the week?

karl: You were saying- you see, I-I don’t believe you. You were going on about, um…we were talking about the half man, half woman.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And you were saying--

ricky: You can get, you can get a sex change on the NHS just to see what you’d say about that. Did you look it up?

karl: I didn’t, cause I think I was wasting me time.

karl: I don’t think you can have that done.

ricky: I’ve given him all these things!

steve: Mm.

ricky: Little- play a record. You’re annoying me now.

karl: No, but you wouldn’t, you wouldn’t do that. You do-

ricky: He’s annoyed- you’ve annoyed Steve. You've annoyed Steve on air…

karl: I’m sorry about that.

steve: Well, it’s just too late, Karl.

karl: But we were talking about other stuff, as well. I mean, you know, talking about operations an’ that. You were saying we- you know, can you have a sex change done on the NHS an’ that.

ricky: No, you can.

karl: Well, you say you can. I think that’s a bit…it’s not that important to have done, I don’t think.

ricky: Well, it depends if-if you desperately want it. It depends if you think you feel that you’re born actually a different sex.

karl: Right. And then you went on to say there’s-there’s other things that are done. Get this, Steve. Someone, if they want, if the cat’s got a bad liver--

ricky: Kidney.

karl: Alright. Bad kidney. Can have it done for five grand.

ricky: Yeah, you can have, you can have a cat kidney operation.

steve: But what’s wrong with that? If you’ve got five grand you want to waste on a cat, then fine.

karl: Get another one!

karl: We went through loads of cats! I’ve told you before, as a kid, we got through loads. It’s not worth it and there’s no cat that is that amazing that you’d go, “Gonna miss that one. It’s never going to be the same cause it--”

steve: What do you mean? What would it have to be able to do to be worth it? Wha- it’s normally to do with people’s affection for their cat. They’ve had the pet for many years. What do you mean, it should be able to juggle? Or do impressions and that’s why it’s worth five grand?

ricky: Right, supposing there was a-a fella, right? He’s- he feels he was born a woman. He’s-he’s not happy. Right? He doesn’t want this. He’s got, he’s got a knob and a tes- couple of testicles that he does not want. Right? He wants a lovely pair of tits and a minge. Alright? And he finds out that- he-he gets a cut price. He gets, you know, a cut price, sort of, operation. A dodgy, backstreet, um, uh, transsexual maker. Right?

karl: Mm.

ricky: Five grand. Knocked down price, five grand. He’s done with the, he’s done with the blunt knife and-and some chloroform, right? But--

karl: But why’ve you got to have it all done?

ricky: What? You mean, just like made- have the knob trimmed and wear a bra?

karl: Well, yeah. I mean, are you saying if you have it all done, you get some sort of offer if you give them something?

ricky: No. No. I was being flippant. I’m saying- I was trying to get down to five grand. Supposing there was a fella- he had five grand to give away, right? Some old woman with her cat is going to die or some fella who wants his knob chopped off and a lovely pair of tits put on. Who would you give the five grand to?

karl: So- hang on a minute. So there’s a fella--

ricky: Oh, Jesus.

karl: Who wants to be a woman.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And there’s a woman who’s got an ill cat.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Hmm….. You see, I’d be annoyed- who-whose is this five grand? Is this my savings or--?

ricky: No, you just get given, you get given five grand and you go- but you’ve got to give it to a charity of your choice. And it’s got to be one of them.

karl: Alright, I’ll tell ya what I’d do.

ricky: What?

karl: I’d find out what the cat looks like, get a replacement, right? Say she- say it’s had the op.

ricky: Hm.

karl: She’s loving it, thinking it’s happy again.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Give the fella the money.

ricky: Right.

karl: D’you know what I mean?

ricky: Well, so you’re basically saying that…you-you’d rather have the bloke have his knob cut off and stuff than save the cat--

karl: I’d-I’d have to have a chat with him first and say, “Wha-what’s your problem?” And say, “Why-why do you need this doing and--”

ricky: I think they go through that. I think they go to--

karl: Mm.

ricky: Counselling and live as a woman for--

karl: Just check. Like a, like a second opinion thing. I’d just be saying, “Right, are you sure?”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But five grand on the cat… even- it can only be for people who’ve got loads of money, right? And it’s like, “Well. Five grand, it’s nothing.”

ricky: Well, I think this debate will rage on. Should we play a record and come back to this? Think about it though?

karl: Yeah. Bit of White Stripes.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Placebo. “Bitter End” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you’re looking all flustered and confused again.

karl: I still just, sort of, don’t get it.

ricky: What don’t you get?

steve: Well, that’s a long list, Rick.

ricky: Yeah!

karl: The, uh- you know. If you have your--

ricky: Knob cut off.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It’s because they feel like they’re actually born a woman and this- they’re not living right. They can’t live properly with all the…these things, you know. Well, I mean, there-there are people that are genetically the-the other gender. They’ve just grown, you know. There’s one woman, actually, who was a scientist researching it and found out genetically she was a man. She had, uh, Y chromosomes instead of- but this is something different. This is, this is both psychological and everything else, so-so--

karl: But sometimes it’s that thing again, innit? You can’t always have, you know, what you want. It’s like I’d like to have hair.

karl: D’you know what I mean?

ricky: But-but it’s a bit easier. You can wear a wig. You can’t go around, really- well you can put on, you know, a bit of false breasts and tuck it in.

karl: That’s-that’s just it as well, isn’t it, you see? You-you say, you know, you could have the operation done an’ that. And yeah, you might sort of feel as free as a woman down below an’ that.

karl: But at the end of the day, you still look like a fella.

ricky: Yeah? “Here’s a bra and a split tennis ball.”

karl: No--

ricky: They’ll be just like Auntie Nora.

karl: D’you know what I mean, though?

ricky: Well…yeah, but it’s about their outward appearance, about how they feel publicly. Don’t forget, a transsexual is not a transvestite. This isn’t just a-a builder in a dress. They have hormone replacement as well, so they get oestrogen so they-they- and electrolysis. So they have, you know- their-their face looks different. They-they-they don’t go bald. They’re slighter. They-they- you know what I mean? They- it’s the- they’re the real thing. A transsexual is now the real thing. Biologically and politically and--

karl: But they’ll still be a man, won’t they?

ricky: Well, it’ll be embarrassing if they don’t tell their new partner and the- there’s pictures of them, you know, down at the pub when they were twenty-four. But you probably sort of get over that, don’t ya? They go, “Who’s the fella with the beard drinking the yard of ale?” “That was me.”

steve: “Well, interesting story.”

ricky: Yeah, yeah!

steve: “Probably should have told you this before the honeymoon.”

karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s like, you can have all that done, right? There’s-there’s stuff, you know. You can have your bits done, right? You can have, like, uh, false teeth, but you know that. When you see an old person with a good set of teeth it’s like, “Well, they’re-they’re false. There’s no way you’ve got good teeth like that if you were brought up in, like, the thirties.”

ricky: But what would you do if Suzanne said, “Look, I’ve got a terrible secret” and she showed you a picture of this kid, just a little boy, growing up, you know, playing football. And then the pictures stop at twenty, just before you met her. And, uh, she goes- and she shows you a nice pair of bollocks in a jar. She goes, “They were mine.”

steve: Well, first thing is he’d take back the gloves he bought her last week.

ricky: Would you go, “Ohh. I can’t go out with you now.” Or would you say, “Well, yeah, it’s the same person.” I’ve blown his mind! I’ve really--

steve: That’s frazzled him.

ricky: I really have freaked him out there!

karl: She is into sport.

steve: Eh? Should we play a record while you give her a call?

karl: No. But look, what I’m saying is here, right? It doesn’t matter what you have done- we can wrap this up here cause I’ve got it sorted, right?

ricky: Okay.

karl: It doesn’t matter what you have done, at the end of day, it’s obvious that you’ve had it done. If-if you’re a fella and you’ve been changed to a woman, I could spot ya. Right?

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: If--

ricky: You can’t, though.

karl: I tell ya what. I was at, I was at Suzanne’s mam and dad’s, right, up north last week.

ricky: Right.

karl: And I went to the off-license. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And I went in there. Never seen this fella before. Right? Soon as I walk in, I eye him up behind the counter, go, “Alright, mate.”

steve: “Oh, hello.”

ricky: “Oh, hello.”

karl: I notice he’s got a wig on, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now… it was- I-I kind of looked and I thought, “Yeah, it’s a wig. Whatever.” And then I thought, “ I wonder if it is.” And as I got to the till I said, “How much is that?” He said, uh, you know, “ Fifty pence.” I said, “Great.” And as he turned to the till--

steve: Were you buying Suzanne a gift?

karl: And as he turned to the till and he did that sort of angle, you got the profile. You see the bit sticking out of the back. You go, “That’s a wig.”

ricky: I know what you mean!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I know what you mean! It’s like a little- it just, it just- the last inch just lifts away from the neck.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now everyone who goes in that shop will probably know him. As having a wig an’ that. It keeps him happy, but everybody knows. So what I’m saying is, it’s like--

ricky: But can I just say, transsexuals put in a little more effort than a-a fella who’s plunked a rug on top and held it down with some duct tape. D’you know what I mean? You know, the only giveaway often with a transsexual is the big hands. They can’t do anything about that.

ricky: That’s the only thing, you know.

karl: Alright then.

ricky: But, um- but I mean, t-uh, trans-transvestites are different, you know. The-they-they‘re- they are builders in a dress. You go into a supermarket, you turn around, you see a six-foot woman, huge head. You go, “Alright, love.” You know what I mean? You know- you don’t- you know, down below--

karl: There you go.

ricky: She’s packing more than us three put together.

karl: That’s what I’m saying.

ricky: But, you know I mean? That-that’s one of the only- If-if a, if a- Eddie Izzard, right? Meeting Eddie Izzard, right, who likes to pop on a dress now and again. Right? If- what’s the politics with that? Do you go- as he walks in and he’s all in evening gown and he goes, “Alright, Karl” and he- and, uh, you go, “Alright, Eddie” and it’s in a busy pub and you go, “Oh, why’s he-” And you go, uh- do you say, “Do you want a pint of bitter?” and slap him on the back like you would a mate? Or do you go, “That’s lovely. That‘s a lovely dress.” Do you know what I mean? What do you do? What do you do with a transvestite? Do you--

steve: Would you compliment a transvestite?

ricky: On their lovely dress?

steve: If he was wearing a nice dress? In the same way that you would if Suzanne was wearing a nice--

karl: Probably in a different way. I’d probably say, “That dress, you know, looks nice. Be even nicer on a woman!”

steve: (chuckling) Right.

karl: D’you know what I mean?

steve: So you’d try and, you’d try and change the way they think.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, you’d want to teach them a lesson.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Sure.

karl: In a way.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It’s just that- it’s one of those things I can’t get me head around, to be honest, right? I can handle hairy Chinese kids.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Big heads.

ricky: Is it true, is it true to say that you’ve never been able to handle a transvestite?

steve: So I’m just going to add that to list then, Karl, of things you don’t- you can’t figure out.

steve: It’s, like, four volumes.

steve: Snoop Doggy Dogg, obviously, and the classic, “What’s My Name?”

ricky: Yesss. Xfm 104.9. We’ve done that, so that’s good. We’ve done--

steve: So we’ve solved the whole transvestism issue.

ricky: Yeah, let me just check. We’ve done hairy Chinese kids, um, people having their knobs cut off, um--

steve: I think we’ve touched on the war, as well. We’ve sorted that.

ricky: We’ve done that. Um, we’ve done freaks, haven’t we?

steve: We’ve done freaks.

ricky: We’ve done freaks with no arms and legs, haven’t we?

steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

karl: Tic that.

steve: Don’t think--

ricky: Tic that.

steve: There’s other areas of--

ricky: Oh, oh, oh, um--

steve: Possible offense.

ricky: Have we done, have we done Forrest Gump in a Wheelie Bin?

ricky: We touched on your Auntie Nora, but haven’t mentioned her farting for five minutes or her showing you her… clunge.

steve: Her clunge!

ricky: Let me see. Uh, I think- I don’t know if we’ve- I think we might have--

steve: I’d definitely like to hear the word “clunge” more often.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: On this show.

ricky: Her Mary.

karl: Anyway, leave that. Leave that.

steve: Oh, euphemisms!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Clunge, Mary.

karl: I’m still none the wiser an’ that, but…

karl: We’ll leave it.

steve: I love the fact you are such a, sort of- you’re such an old man, aren’t you? You’re such a reactionary old man, the way you talk. You are the sort of bloke- I imagine you and your father, stood in a pub. If a man came in in a dress, “Oi! You’re a bloke in a dress. Take it off.”

ricky: I had an idea last week when we were talking about things that you can, uh, sort of, say and do when you’re, sort of, like, forty. I thought another one; nod to a policeman.

steve: Yep. Definitely.

ricky: They’re on the beat. They’re going along. You’re going your- you go along. “Yep.” “Yeah. I know you‘re alright. I know you‘re alright!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “Never mind these youngsters shouting at ya and knocking your cap off.”

steve: (laughing) Exactly

ricky: It’s that you could nod at a copper.

steve: If you’re forty, you could nod at a copper cause it’s like going, “I know what you’re up to.”

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: “It’s a difficult job. You’re doing it well.”

ricky: “I respect you now. I didn’t when I was young. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well done, mate.”

steve: I like the one you mentioned last week. You’re now of an age where a van driver might ask you to back him into a parking space.

ricky: Yeah. Well, you-you don’t feel- he goes- you go, “Get out of the way!”

steve: To me, he wouldn’t even consider me.

ricky: No. “Get out of the way!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If you’re under thirty, you don’t even- it’s like, I was thinking today, if I was in a pub with my dad and, say, his mates and they’re all, sort of, forty or fifty, there is not one of them that would turn to me first with a pint of bitter and go, “(Smacks lips) Taste that. See if that- is that off?”

ricky: No. They wouldn’t. They wouldn’t want your opinion.

steve: They would never consider me. My opinion is the last one they would consider.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Um--

steve: “Is that off?”

ricky: Things you can do over, I think, maybe fifty; wear a flat cap and not look a prat.

steve: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

ricky: You know, you wear it cause your head’s cold.

steve: It’s a fashion statement. Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Yeah. You wear it cause your head’s cold. You’re fifty years old. Flat cap, fine.

steve: Yeah. Or just wear a suit and tie without having to go to an event or a con- a convention.

ricky: Just get up and pop on a little old suit and tie.

steve: Just pop on a suit and tie cause--

ricky: I lo- I-I tell ya what, I love seeing old boys in a suit on Sunday.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: D’ya know what I mean? They’ve got shiny shoes and they’re seventy-five.

steve: I’ve got photos--

ricky: And they go down the pub and I think it’s brilliant.

steve: I’ve got photographs of one of my late grandfathers. He must have been in his sixties. On the beach wearing a suit.

steve: Wearing a suit on the beach. I think he- I’ve got a feeling he’s even got a knotted handkerchief and a full three-piece flu- suit.

ricky: That’s great.

steve: It’s brilliant.

ricky: The decency at all times.

steve: Cause I- my grandfather, in my mind, my grandfather was always wearing a suit.

ricky: He probably was.

steve: I never saw him not- I think he wore a suit to bed. I-I-I can’t imagine him taking that suit off. I just- it was always--

ricky: Maybe it was an all-in-one pull-on one.

steve: But he didn’t- I mean, what the weird thing is though, it wasn’t like he worked in a bank all his life. I think he was a builder. And then he retired and thought, “It’s time I should start wearing a suit.”

ricky: I know. Aww. I love it. It just- you know what I mean? It’s- cause they’ve got to do something then. They’ve got to get up and they make an effort and they’re, you know, they're still part of the world.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: As opposed to me already just walking around in my pants.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: D’you know what I mean? It’s like, there’s no point in getting dressed. I’m not going out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or e-everything’s got an elasticated waistband.

steve: Yes. You don’t even consider a pair of trousers if--

ricky: Slip-on shoes, pull-on trousers. Just--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: I’ve never seen a man with more Velcro than in his closet.

steve: That has got to be, for you, the best time saving device ever. Velcro.

ricky: It’s great. Just-just me and a baby gra- a dry-wipe baby- I went to a- I-I’ve went to awards--

steve: Has your tuxedo got Velcro?

ricky: Well, I was going to talk about that, the awards show. I went home. We went- when did we stay there? We went to, what, twelve or summat. Anyway.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I went home and I was telly at the end, right and, uh, um, I was eating. I had these sesame seeds cause I was hungry. I had a few. And, um, in the end at the bottom of the bottom of this jar of sesame seeds, right, all these tiny little seeds. But I didn’t want to waste them so I sort of poured ‘em into my mouth and sort of, like, ett ‘em like millet. Like a, like a (giggling)a budgie binging.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I went to bed, got up the next day. I thought, “Oh.” Felt a bit sweaty. Had a, had a, had a resolve. And there was loads of seeds still in my chest!

steve: On the hair on your chest?

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: I took a- it took me ages to pick ‘em out before I had a bath. So they must have stayed there all night, but not with the, you know- with the, with the cheese and alcohol that was coming through my pores, these seeds are- “Oh, they’ve started growing!”

ricky: I had to, I’d have to mow my chest. Oh, dear.

steve: Your girlfriend’s a lucky, lucky woman.

ricky: Sesame seed chest!

ricky: What’ve we got, Karl?

steve: Oh, do you remember we were also talking about, um, names you cannot call kids now.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: It’s like the- it’s like there’s certain names--

ricky: No, I was thinking that there’s-there’s- exactly. There’s great old blokes names, but they have to be a baby once.

steve: Yeah, but--

ricky: “I name this child… Alf.”

steve: (laughing) You can’t-

ricky: Stan.

steve: There are, there are, sort of, these names which you just never name a child now. Karl, frankly, is-is-is--

ricky: Oh, that’s alright, though.

steve: Is quite trendy. But Alf.

ricky: Oh, but Sid.

steve: Alf, Sid. You would never name a child Sid. Stan.

ricky: Stan.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Bert.

ricky: “I name this child Bert.”

karl: Did I ever tell ya about my, uh, my Uncle Alf?

ricky: No.

karl: He wasn’t, uh, wasn’t a proper uncle. Right?

ricky: Right.

karl: But, uh, he was just a--

ricky: Was he an aunt?

karl: One of me, one of me dad’s mates an’ that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he was getting on a bit. He must have been about, you know, sixty, which is pretty old when you’re younger an’ that. And he was the same. He-he always used to wear a suit an’ that. But it was never, they was never in good nick. It was always like a rough suit, but it doesn’t matter. Still, you know, making half the effort an’ that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he used to, uh, sleep in a dinghy--

karl: Right, me Uncle Alf.

steve: What, in his house?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Why?

karl: Well, in a flat. It’s in, like, a little bedsit. Cause he only had a little bedsit and he was into boats an’ stuff. So he had this--

ricky: Two birds with one stone.

karl: Had this little dinghy. Had a little flat. Thought, “Well, it’s a tight space an’ that.” He had, uh, had a dinghy as a bed. And he had two tellies, right?

karl: Two tellies. One of ‘em that the sound worked on. The other one, only the vision worked. So if he wanted to watch a program--

ricky: He had to turn both on.

karl: Put ‘em both on like BBC One. Turned one up and watch the other one.

steve: Wow. That’s extraordinary.

ricky: From his dinghy?

karl: Sat in his dinghy.

ricky: That is brilliant. I just--

steve: It was an inflatable dinghy? It wasn’t like a wooden--

karl: Yeah, an inflatable one, yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Did you ever go ‘round and visit him?

karl: Yeah, now and again.

ricky: Was it weird seeing a bloke, a sixty year old bloke in a suit in a dinghy inside watching two tellies?

karl: It’s weird how at the time I thought nothing of it.

steve: But wha- which of the TVs stopped working properly first? I mean, did he- let’s say the sound went on one of them.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Did he carry on watching the other one hoping that the other one was fine or did he--

ricky: No, he went and got a new telly and then the vision went on that and he went, “Aw, no.” He went, “Hold on, though.”

steve: “Wait a minute.”

ricky: “I’ve got another telly in the wardrobe that I haven’t used.” It must have been like that.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Wow. He sounds brilliant. Is he still alive?

karl: Yeah, he’s still around, yeah. Haven’t seen him for years, but he used to, uh--

ricky: Be alright?

steve: Was he married?

karl: No, I think that’s what happened. I think his wife passed away--

steve: Right.

karl: And that’s when he had all this, you know, he had a boat. And it’s like, “Ohh. Where am I going to put it? In a bedsit?” And it was like, “Hang on a minute.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: You know what I mean? Sleep in that. So. Yeah.

steve: I wonder if he ever brought any women back.

steve: Just the idea of bringing ‘em back. Getting down to it. “Should we move into the bedroom?”

ricky: “Ahoy!”

ricky: Ohh. That is fantastic.

ricky: Missy Elliot, “Gossip Folks” on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Now I know we’re not meant to, uh, mention the adverts. And I’m not, I’m not slagging off the adverts. It’s that, it’s that National Lottery advert with the little Welsh fella saying your money from the National Lottery goes towards Mountain Rescue. We put ‘em up there. We’ve saved a lot of people. Now that’s fine, that’s great. Well done. What I’m annoyed at is why those people are allowed to go up the mountain in the first place.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don’t go up there. It’s dangerous.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Do it at your own risk.

steve: Yep.

ricky: D’you know what I mean?

steve: Definitely.

ricky: It’s-it’s ridiculous. Just posh, beardy twats cl-climbing mountains and sticking their flag up there. Why cli- I don’t want you to. I don’t want you to.

steve: Am I paying- is there any point, Rick, where I am paying for people to get rescued from mountains?

ricky: I’m not sure. I think the Lottery’s doing it now.

steve: Fine. Because, I tell ya, if it was my money, I would be livid.

ricky: Well that’s the, that’s the point, isn’t it? I mean--

steve: You should have to take out insurance if you want to climb up a mountain.

ricky: You should pay for it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I-if-if-if we save you, it’ll cost a lot of money. You’ll owe. You’ll be paying it back for the rest of your life. That’s the risk.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Not falling to your death.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: But never being able to pay- they’re all posh and rich, anyway.

steve: Yeah, definitely.

ricky: It’s just, like, a cat gets stuck up a tree and the fire come out because it doesn’t know any better. Imagine if that was a bloke. “I’m stuck up again.” “Stop going up there!”

karl: But that’s what I’m saying again, though. It’s only a cat, so leave it up there. Get another one!

steve: “And there’s the skeleton of Tittles!”

steve: “I couldn’t be bothered to go and get a ladder.”

karl: No, but it’s the same- a few weeks ago everyone was making a fuss over that-that sheep that was the first cloned sheep.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it died. Clone another one!

steve: Oh, wow. I, uh- did I ever tell you--

ricky: Oh, if only you could do the same with mountaineers.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohh. “He looks the same. The beard’s the same. They all look like Brian Blessed.”

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Ohh.

steve: Did I ever tell you about the time that my father- when I was younger, we went on holiday. My dad had- he bought a little boat. Um, little, sort of, wooden boat, like a three-seater. And he and a friend of his went out with me in the boat. I was maybe twelve or thirteen. Went out. We sort of had da da da da da. Sailed away. We were on the- with a little motor, outboard motor. Chu, chu, chu. Chugging out. We just thought- we thought this was real, seafaring stuff.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: We-we, sort of- we’d lost sight of the beach cause we’d gone ‘round a corner of like a mountain or like a, what do ya call, like, a cliff. And so we’re just around a corner. And there was this boy, like a- just floating in the water. Not a boy, but, you know, like, a boy. And, uh- very tricky to explain that on the radio. It’s the same word, isn’t it? Boy, a boy?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And a boy?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And so we-we float past that and we’re chugging along. The motor conks out. Oh, can’t believe it. We have to row back in. They’re rowing away, I’m just sat there. And, uh, we noticed every time we, sort of, think we got past this boy, it just seems to be back where it started again and we realize that the tide--

ricky: The tide had taken you out.

steve: Is taking us, but not taking us out, taking us towards these rocks. And there was got ravaged rocks and we were pretty scared cause I can’t swim very well or I couldn’t at the time. There we- I think my dad had fairly bought- you know, he didn’t- I’ll be honest with you, I inherited a lot of things from him. One of which was his carefulness with money. Just-just the one lifejacket.

steve: Um--

karl: How deep was the water there?

steve: Which I seem to remember he tore off my back and put on himself. Um, so the water’s pretty dee- I mean, I-I, you know, I’m not saying we-we would have necessarily died, but it was pretty scary cause the boat- you know, we were near crashing into these rocks and stuff. It was getting pretty unnerving. And so we’re- they’re, sort of, rowing like mad, trying to get- we’re just not making any progress and we’re beginning to think that this might be the end. And, um, this boat, this kind of ferry boat comes chugging by doing tours. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. And, um, and it comes by. And my dad goes, “Ohh, well.” We’re going, “Brilliant, brilliant. They can help us. They’ll throw us a rope. They’ll tow us back in.” He was going, “You’ve got the be careful, though. Hang on, because according to the laws of the sea, if he rescues us, Steve, he can claim my boat.”

steve: “The laws of the sea mean he can claim my boat as salvage.”

ricky: (laughing) I love the idea a ferry man--

steve: That’s like a reward. That--

ricky: Doing that.

steve: But what I like--

ricky: The laws of the sea!

steve: What I like is, his twelve year old son might die. He’s thinking about the boat!

ricky: I know, but all the- also the other thing, of course, is that I like the idea of this ferry master going, “Arr.”

steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

ricky: “The boat be mine, now.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: “Or I take your son.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “Let me think about it.”

steve: “I need a new bed.”

steve: “That’ll be just right. King size.”

ricky: Oh, dear. That’s lovely.

karl: So we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done, uh, done a lot of stuff today. We’ve covered--

ricky: Done, uh, auntie’s minge. We’ve done- oh, no, what else we done? We’ve done chop your bollocks off for free--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Um--

karl: We’ve done the-the operation for five grand, which I’m not happy about.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Cause, cause--

ricky: Um, leave-leave the cat up there. Uh--

karl: We could spend money--

ricky: We’ve done most stuff, I think. We’ve done a lot.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We still haven’t done Forrest Gump in a Wheelie Bin, but we can, we can leave that till next week if you want.

karl: See, I-I still think there’s something in the spending money in areas that it’s not needed. Like the- well, you know, the fella- if you haven’t, you know, if you’ve only just tuned in, you’ve missed a debate about a fella who needs his-his, uh, tackle taken off.

steve: A debate makes it sound like it was a bit more informed than it actually was.

ricky: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

karl: Well-and I’m just- you know, all that time- that was probably a half hour and I’ve still been thinking about other things that it would be good if more money could be ploughed into things to-to get them out there.

ricky: Like what?

karl: D’ya know what I mean? Well I was, I was looking, you know, I’m a fan of going on the web an’ that.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And, um, there’s inventions. Right?

ricky: Mm.

karl: We were talking about it a few weeks ago, inventions that-that are out there--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And there are some that, you know, are well-known by famous people who’ve brought stuff out.

ricky: Do you, do you, do you know why we didn’t go on with this? Because I remember saying to you about Einstein- who-who’s- who you thinks clever. You weren’t impressed with it. I said Einstein and you went- this is a quote. You went, “Einstein. Well, yeah. Now, I’ve never needed-” You got it wrong. You went, “I’ve never needed mc² in my life.”

ricky: “But the fella who made the video recorder; I watch one a week."

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Right.

karl: That’s right.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: And-and it’s the fact that everybody’s got one good idea in them.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? Like Newton said about the-the apple.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I did “Rockbusters.”

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Alright? And there was this thing, there was this thing that was on the website, alright--

steve: So they shouldn’t be spending money on investigating, um, sort of, medical procedures that might help people. They should be spending it on what, Karl?

karl: I- well, I found this thing, right, Ricky? Brilliant.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um, what it was… little, sort of, mops--

ricky: What?

steve: Little--

karl: Little mops. Little mop heads.

steve: Like floor mops?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: Fit ‘em on your cat feet. If you’ve got a cat--

karl: Right? If you’ve got a little cat--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Put-put these little things on, uh, on the feet and there was a picture of one. Just, like, walking around the kitchen. Like that.

karl: Looking a bit like that.

ricky: No, you can’t do “looking like that” on the radio.

karl: No, but it’s just-just looking a bit, sort of, fed up, but it didn’t really know what was going on. Walking around. You see, like, the-the-the woman of the house sat in the background having a cup of tea.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: The cat’s there, walking about on the, on the kitchen lino. Mopping the floor.

karl: That’s what I put me money into.

ricky: Can we get shares in this?

steve: Now...now that’s an invention.

karl: How good is that?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Can we get shares in that?

karl: It’s good, though, innit?

ricky: I-I tell ya what. I’ll market that. If-if some- I’ll-I’ll- yeah. That’s amazing. I just like the idea of people struggling with their cat to get- hold on, though. Wait a minute.

karl: But then I’d say--

ricky: What-what if it had a bad kidney?

karl: Ahh. Well, then it’s worth paying five grand.

ricky: I suppose a year, cause it would cost to clean it that, wouldn’t it?

karl: Yeah. So that’s-that’s what I’m saying. I mean, there’s loads of other things out there that gets loads of--

ricky: Of course! You could stick a brush on its head and make it go down the toilet!

ricky: It’ll be genius, Karl.

karl: No, but there’s loads- there’s--

karl: You see, you say that. If Newton came up with it, you’d be loving it. And there’d be loads of ‘em out there an’ everything, right? That’s what annoys me--

ricky: Imagine Newton coming up with that! Imagine Newton coming up with that, Karl! Think of it!

karl: Well, there’s other things that gets loads of praise. Penicillin. Everyone- who-who came up with that?

steve: Uh--

karl: Who came up with that?

steve: Fleming, was it?

ricky: Yeah, discovered it on a--

karl: Right, I-I’m thirty.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Don’t think I’ve ever used it. If I had Nurofen and Benylin.

karl: Right? So there’s one thing. What’s something else I was talking to you about in the week?

ricky: Oh, God. Do you like video- okay. So, video recorder--

karl: Te-telescope was another thing you-you seem to think’s important.

ricky: Well, no. You asked me about in- great inventors, said name some of ‘em, so I said Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone, everything from that, linked from that. Uh, um, John Logie Baird, uh, television. Marconi, the radio. Uh, I said Galileo, the tel- I was naming you stuff. It wasn’t that- I-I was just saying that I think those things are more important than Rockbusters. I think they’re better ideas.

karl: Telescope? Even the telescope?

steve: Karl, play a record because…

steve: There’s a website. I must try to find it during this record. It’s got loads of inventions. I think you’re going to love ‘em.

ricky: Ohhh.

steve: “Vicious” from Lou Reed. Always a joy.

ricky: Yeah. Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Karl, I- someone pointed me in the direction of this website and I- it basically- I swear to God, these are real inventions, okay, that real inventors have, um, applied for patents for, you know? So-so that they-they’re-they own the copyright--

ricky: Why don’t I come up with one, a real one.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then you do that one and--

steve: Well, I think some of these--

ricky: And-and Karl has to vote on which he thinks the better invention.

steve: I think some of these, Karl, you are going to be absolutely excited by. If you love the little mops that go on cats feet, I think you’ll be excited by some of these.

ricky: Okay. Well, I’ll throw one up to start with. Have you got one there ready?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, the X-ray machine.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Ooh.

steve: So we got the X-ray machine on the one side--

ricky: The X-ray machine, Karl. Think of that.

karl: So, you’ve come to me with this idea--

ricky: It doesn’t need- i-it-it goes through a patent. So it doesn’t need light, it excites, it can- well, we know- you know what an X-ray machine can do.

karl: So, wha-what’s happening here, right? I-I’m, sort of, head of some business, I’ve got a load of money.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: You’re coming to me with an idea.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: And Steve’s coming with me to an idea. I’ve got, say, five grand and I--

ricky: I-I’ve-I-I’ve come, I’ve come to ya. I’ve said, “Look, I can do transsexual operations.” You go, “I’m not interested.” I’ve said, “I’ve- my cat needs a kidney operation.” You go, “I’m not interested.” Right? I’ve come with an X-ray. Meanwhile, Steve walks in with…

steve: Well, firstly I’m going to offer you- this is, uh, patent 55714247. Uh, you’ve got the X-ray machine. I’m going to come to you with the self-containing enclosure for protection from killer bees.

karl: Tell me more.

steve: Alright, well--

ricky: “Tell me more!”

steve: Uh, self-containing enclosure for protection from killer bees comprising enclosure formed of a flexible, transparent plastic material, basically, that will protect us from any killer bees that might be in the area. Useful?

karl: Yeah…

ricky: Don’t decide yet. Okay, I’ll come up with another one. Um… refrigeration.

steve: Refrigeration. The combination toy dog and vacuum cleaner. Let me read a bit more, don’t judge yet. A toy dog closely resembling a real dog and having a hollow interior in which is mounted a vacuum cleaner having a suction hose which is retractable from the tail end of the dog. This enables vacuuming a dog after a hair cut and grooming without causing fear to the dog, because it thinks another dog--

ricky: What, so-sorry.

steve: Is in the room.

ricky: Sorry, sorry. This is a decoy dog to make the dog not realize it’s being vacuumed, thinking it’s making a friend?

steve: There’s a picture of it!

ricky: Karl! Karl!

steve: Do you see what we’re talking about there? That’s a dog that looks--

karl: Yeah.

steve: A fake dog that looks--

ricky: Do, also- do-do you see why-why the cat with the mops is on Steve’s side and why, sort of, X-rays, refrigeration, things like that are on my side and Newton’s and mc² as you- can you see the difference in these inven- can you see the-the pattern emerging and the difference?

karl: Yeah, but. You see, to me--

steve: Which are you impressed by? Are you impressed by the sanitary appliance for birds? Have a look at it. It’s, uh, if you’ve got a domestic bird, maybe a budgerigar or something, but you’re tired of it crapping everywhere, these are very tiny nappies that go on a pet--

ricky: That is real, isn’t it?

steve: Pet- look, there’s a picture. There’s a diagram there.

ricky: Can I put the microwave up against that one? I need the- I know I need the big guns to come out now.

steve: Karl, what you thinking? I know you’re a--

ricky: Budgie nappies or the microwave?

karl: It-it’s weird because--

steve: Karl, are you tired of petting your dog or cat? I bet you are. That’s why you need this patent pet petter.

steve: It is an arm on a piece of wood that will go up and down and stroke and pet your dog for you if you’ve not got time to do it.

ricky: Well, I can only put up interferon, the cancer cure, against that one.

steve: (laughing) Exactly.

karl: Yeah. You see, a lot of these things--

steve: These are all genuine inventions.

karl: Yeah. And if the time was right, we’d say, “Get ‘em made.” D’you know what I mean? If there was a bad swarm in London, I’d be saying, “Get the bee man on.”

steve: (chuckling) Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Right?

ricky: What, l-l-lose-lose the X-ray machines, you don’t care about broken bones for now?

karl: Well, at that moment in time, that would be more important than--

ricky: Sure.

karl: D’you know what I mean? We know people have been stung. We don’t need to look inside ‘em.

ricky: Sure.

karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s all about- it’s like the telescope now isn’t impressive.

ricky: Sure.

karl: If you want to see something in the distance, get on the transport and go and see it. D’you know what I mean? You don’t need to look at things in the distance.

ricky: Well--

steve: Sure.

ricky: I-I see what he’s saying.

steve: Budgerigars are shitting and pissing all over peoples homes.

ricky: Could we put these- I’ll tell ya what, Karl. So it’s looking at Supernova and trying to find out more about the universe. It’s-it’s-it’s conception and it’s eventual end. Or--

steve: Forget that, Rick! I’ve got the cheese-filtered cigarette.

ricky: Aw, now tell me more.

steve: This is a cigarette where the filter is actually made from cheese. Apparently cheese acts as a very good filter for tobacco. So the smoke passes through the cheese, thus you will induce a kind of smoky cheese.

ricky: And, also, uh, uh, smoking, you know, might make you a little bit peckish and you can just nibble that so there’s no dog end lying around the pavement.

ricky: Or budgie shit. It’s a cleaner place and you haven’t been stung!

karl: Brilliant. Right, now listen. So that’s that done.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We’ve done that, as well.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We’re running out of time. We’ve got--

ricky: Okay.

karl: Like five minutes left. Winner for “Songs of Phrase.”

steve: Alright, give us the answers.

karl: Right. This- we did this at the start. We haven’t even got time for the film thing today.

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Ohh. But we’ll do that next week.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase”- it was a phrase, uh, “You never see an old man eating a Twix.”

ricky: I love the fact that we go, “We haven’t got time,” like it’s- we’ve had such important stuff and it’s been so jam-packed and interesting with the- not that it’s been drivel with gaps we could have filled much better.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don’t look at me like that, like, “Aww.”

steve: With-with his film quiz.

steve: C’mon!

ricky: Oh, dear.

karl: So “Songs of Phrase.” “You never see an old man eating a Twix.”

karl: We had to get- change it to “Mars bar.”

karl: Here’s-here’s what we had.

karl: Jerry and the Pacemakers.

karl: Echo and the Bunnymen.

steve: David Bowie.

karl: David Bowie

karl: And The Beach Boys finish that off.

ricky: Oh, what do you mean, “I don’t know what that one was”? What do you mean?

karl: Uh--

ricky: Who’s the winner? I- it doesn’t matter. You got to give the answer. Who was that one you didn’t who it was?

karl: Uh--

steve: It was Jim Young, wasn’t it?

karl: Jim-Jim-Jim Croce, is it?

ricky: Oh, yeah.

karl: “Old Man River."

steve: Right.

karl: It’s called. Jim Croce. So--

ricky: “Old Man River”?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Jim Croce sang “Old Man River”? I don’t think so. What was it?

steve: Who cares!?

karl: Right--

ricky: Well, people- I can’t believe this. Do you- ah.

karl: “Old Man River.” It was.

steve: Let’s-let’s give the prize to--

ricky: Jim Croce wouldn’t have sung “Old Man River!”

steve: Well, let’s give the, uh--

ricky: That’s Paul Robeson!

steve: Let’s give the prize to Mitchell Sterling, um, who has got some of the answers right.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9.

steve: (laughing) And we’ll be playing that great quiz again next week!

ricky: Yeah, next week! I’m Ricky Gervais with it on Xfm’s four and if you want to send an e-mail it’s RickyGervais (mumbles).

ricky: Or check out the website on Xfm’s all the coms. Goodnight! Thank you! Three thirty, coming up is Darryl Levine and Stewie Nouns.