XFM Vault - S02E33 Transcript

ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Hickory dickory dock, some lads, there, just wrote a song called "Clocks". The lads are Coldplay.

steve: (Chuckling) And the song is?

ricky: "Clocks".

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington pressing the little buttons, there.

karl: Hmph.

ricky: XFM 104.9. What's that? What's that little "Mmm"? Well...

karl: I think I do more than just press the buttons.

ricky: Right, you see this is- this is it, right. Karl has had a little strop on since last night, okay? And he's--

steve: He's had a little strop on?

ricky: Yeah--

steve: You did- you said, "strop on".

steve: I just wanted to clarify.

ricky: And, uhh, it's- I don't- I don't know why. He says that I'm an annoying person.

steve: Yeeah, mmm...

ricky: He says that I wind him up, right. Uhm, which I don't know, he says that you're- you're winding him up because you're, sort of, like, negative about everything--

steve: I'm negative?!

ricky: Yeah. And, uhm, what I think it is is cuz we pointed out that his lateness is unacceptable.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He said, "Meet you at six." He turned up at twenty past. He said, "Well, someone stopped me in the corridor." I don't care.

karl: I've got stuff to do.

ricky: Y--

karl: I'm head of production here--

ricky: We had stuff to do! I think we're a bit busier than you, Karl! You've got one job, we've got loads of jobs. I keep tellin' ya that. You got one job in a little room, a 9 to 5, there that you don't even get done in 9 to 5, that's why you're late and mucking around all the time.

karl: Yeah, cuz there's loads of work to do.

ricky: Yeah. One job.

karl: Right. No, it's not. It's- it's one job with a lot of other jobs in it. It's like those little Russian dolls you get.

karl: Right?

ricky: Well it's not, is it?

karl: So, don't have a go- yeah it is.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Everyone thinks, "Oh, he only sits in the studio, messin' about, making 'Songs of Phrase'." That's what I do in me free time.

karl: Which we've got comin' up later.

steve: Super slick.

ricky: Ahh, dear.

steve: I still think twenty minutes late is an outrage though, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, twenty minutes late is--

karl: Yeah, but I didn't say, "bang on six". I said, "around six".

ricky: You said, "six"! No, you didn't. You said, "six", which means six.

karl: Well, it doesn't.

steve: W- what?!

ricky: W- sorry, it doesn't?!

karl: If I was a newsreader I'd say, "Yeah, you've got to be on time." Do you know what I mean? If it was the six o'clock news, I wouldn't want to be late. But it's the fact that I said to ya, "I'm busy, I've got stuff to do--"

ricky: No, no, you didn't say that, you said, uhh, "six o'clock?... to sort out tomorrow's show?"

karl: Nahhh, I didn't. I know what I said, so...

ricky: Yeah, w- well...

steve: (Mocking) Whaa-aa-aa, no you don't. Because I remember you sent me a text, you didn't even- it wasn't even a phone call--

ricky: Awwww--

steve: You didn't even have the politeness to call!

ricky: Stephen has stitched him up by being a little more precise than him.

steve: It was a text. It was a text and it said, uhh, "see you around six tomorrow, question mark".

karl: "Around". You just said it. "Around six".

steve: Well, yeah, but it- it doe- that doesn't count- that doesn't mean anything!

ricky: Well, yeah, no, it does.

steve: What, so, let- all right, Rick--

ricky: You told me he said six.

steve: Well, he did. I'm- I'm paraphrasing. Six o'clock, Rick... to me- ar- even if it was "around six o'clock" that would be five to six or five past six. It would not be twenty minutes after the event.

steve: Cuz that is late.

karl: Well...

steve: Well, you can't even- you can't e- you've got nothing, you see. You haven't even got an excuse.

karl: Yeah, but then I turned up--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, and I said, "Right, well, let's not argue about this, let's come up with some good new features cuz we're binning, uhh, 'Cheap as Chimps'--"

steve: Brilliant.

karl: That's gone today.

steve: Good news.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He ne- he never liked "Cheap as Chimps", Karl, did he?

karl: No. Right, he never liked it. Do you know what?

ricky: What?

karl: Do you know who's took it further?

steve: Go on.

karl: Donal MacIntyre.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) What?!

karl: He's doin'- he's doin' a program "Cheap as Chimps".

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, he's not!

steve: No, he's not doing a progr--

karl: Channel f- well- well, we'll see again. I'll prove you right again.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's- he's not--

karl: Prove you wrong again.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's not doing a program "Cheap as Chimps", is he? He's not! What do you mean?!

karl: He's doing- I saw a trail on Channel 5 and it was sayin, you know--

ricky: Is it 5 or about 20 past 5?

karl: "He's do- doin' this, he's done that" - you know - "now see him on Channel 5 because he's moved to Channel 5--"

ricky: Right.

karl: It was sayin', "First big problem: eh, chimps..." - you know - "they're dear and that and, uhh--"

ricky: No, they're not dear. He's a- g- g- g- g- gettin' confused.

karl: No. No. F- f- fifty-odd grand for a chimp and it's sayin'--

karl: You know, he'll look into how much you can get a gorilla for.

ricky: What are you- WHAT ARE- in the name of God, are you talking about?

karl: I'm gonna talk about that later.

ricky: But, I don't know wh- I don't know wh- wh--

karl: I'm just sayin' that that's another idea that's- that and BBC 2--

ricky: And yeah, yeah, yeah, so, go on- you've gotta- this is why you never get stuff done and you're late--

karl: Yeah--

ricky: You got off the point. You were talking about arriving late!

karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just sayin' to ya now. I'm just sayin' I turned up late so I said, "Right, well let's not argue--"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I said, "Let's do some stuff"!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You weren't havin' any of it. I think at one point you were trying to be sick on me leg.

steve: I do remember that.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: (Laughing) Why? Just- just for fun?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, right.

karl: I- so that's when I started gettin' annoyed.

steve: He was very annoyed last night.

ricky: (Laughing) Now, uh, I- d- yeah, okay. Yeah, I- I could see where that could be annoyin' but you've just got to think, "Hey look, so what? He's-", you know...

karl: Well- well--

steve: I think you rub each other up the wrong way.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's the problem.

karl: Well, no more "Cheap as Chimps" today.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: All right.

karl: We've got nothing to replace it because we didn't have a chat.

steve: Mmhm.

karl: "Songs of Phrase" - we're doin' that, you can win some stuff.

ricky: Yeah, we've got the film that we haven't done for the past two weeks.

karl: Got the- the final film, we won't be doin' that anymore.

ricky: Let- lettin' them down. That's two weeks- let's say two weeks late on that.

karl: We're doin' that.

steve: Can I just ask, guys, is there going to be some great music?

ricky: Yeah. Well, I've got some--

steve: What about something from the On- Only Ones?

ricky: Yeah- yeah- yeah--

steve: The classic "Another Girl Another Planet".

ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet". "Planet". "Planet". "Planet."

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet" by the Only Ones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, cheer up! Come on. There's a war on. Chill out.

karl: Yeah.

steve: I have to say, you- you have become increasingly annoying, uh, recently, Rick--

ricky: Who, me?

steve: I think- yeah, chiefly- I'll tell you what it is, I think it's the- the hot weather. Can I just draw- just remind you, when we were in the office recently - we've got a little office that we write in and we work in - and, ehhm, many, many moons ago, uh, we were doing some work - this was when we were f- writin' the first series of the, uh, "The Office" - and, uh, I was typin' away, I was just typing something up we've written. And I read it back to Ricky, uh, just to check he was happy with everything. I was reading it back and, uhhh, as part of the thing there was a knock in the script, it said, you know, "knock" and I- so I was acting it out for him and I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like this and I realized he wasn't listening, he was, in fact, asleep underneath his desk and he- I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like that as part of, uhh, you know, reading the stage directions- I knocked, he thought someone was coming in, he leapt up, clunked his head, zipped up, thought someone- I said, "Rick, it's not- I'm just acting that out for you."

steve: He just wasn't paying attention--

ricky: I--

steve: He wasn't listening and can I just draw- so, recently we're in a- we're in another office, we're typin' away, a-da-da-da, uh, I look 'round, he's got his shirt off.

ricky: It was hot.

steve: He's taken his shirt off, right, so he's sat there, 41 year old man or whatever you are- 40 year old man there with his shirt out- beautiful. I mean, I've seen most parts of your body now at one point or another--

steve: I think in the early days when we used to work at XFM you started showing me bits of your anatomy which is something he does to (Laughing Slightly) people he likes, friends of his. I'm sure you're seen most of it, Karl.

karl: No.

steve: And so, uhm, he's sat there--

ricky: It's not that sort of relationship. Go on.

steve: He's sat there and (Laughing Slightly) there's a knock at the door because we'd asked someone who worked in the building to bring us something (Laughing Slightly) and so I had to delay it by, sort of, not opening the door so he could get his shirt back on--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And so he was running around trying to get his shirt back on--

ricky: What would they have thought? What would they have thought?

steve: They'd of walked in, he'd of been sat there stripped to the waist--

karl: Didn't they, sort of, think, "hang on, what's going on?", look through the key hole...

ricky: No. No.

karl: Awww.

steve: It was ludicrous because as they came in, he, sort- he was flustered and he, kind of, was just leaning against the window--

steve: Just looking like, "I often stand here with my, uhh- my shirt back to front."

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I'm getting like Bernard Manning. When you see Bernard Manning, whenever he goes into a house he has to go upstairs to take his trousers off.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love that. The fact that in your house you've just got your pants and your vest on. That's what you want to do.

karl: Yeah, but it's- it's all the time, it's not just- I mean, you haven't done that with me - takin' your clothes off and that - yet, but, like, last night we were sat in the pub and I was sayin', "Right, you know, let's not even worry about new features then, let's- let's get the current ones, you know, going. And get them good."

ricky: Like what?

karl: Like...

karl: The one that I was trying to work out: "The", uh, "Cheaky Freak of the Week".

ricky: (Laughing) Think of that!

karl: Yeah, but I was sayin'--

ricky: Think of that, though as a normal conversation!

karl: Yeah, but--

ricky: As a- a--

karl: I looked online, right, I didn't find that much. I found, uh- actually I'll tell you what I found later. Brilliant. Uhhh--

karl: But lookin' for them, right--

karl: And, uhh, then at one point I think you said to me, "Go and" - you know - "What about the Guiness Book of Records?" - you know - "They'll- they'll have like--"

ricky: Yeah. Loads of--

karl: The- the best freak of the--

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: In the world or whatever--

ricky: Yeah, ever.

karl: So, uhh, I said, "Yeah, yeah, bring one in." Now, you've got one at home...

ricky: Yeah, I've got a couple.

karl: But you couldn't be bothered carrying that in today so I had to go out of the pub that I was at...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Nip into Borders...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Buy a Guiness Book of Records--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Out of me own money--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: 18.99.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Bring it back, and then you said, "Ah, I don't know if I want to do this feature."

karl: So it cost me 20 quid for that, I had to buy a video for "Silence of the Lambs" film clip.

karl: I'm actually out of pocket at the end of this.

ricky: But, do you want to work with me, is the thing. If you want to work with a- people would pay that sort of money to work with me, Karl. You're a lucky bloke. Think of how many people think, "Ahh, Karl, he gets to- gets to drink and sit..."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You were making a cup of tea and I surprised you, didn't I? Little surpr- it's little surprises.

karl: Steve, you know last night... do you know when I left the pub in a bit of a mood--

steve: Yes.

karl: Cuz I- just fed up with not gettin' anything done?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Walking down the road, I was thinking, "How can I get out of this?"

karl: "How can I stop havin' to work with him?" And thinking, "I wonder if I- if I leave, I wonder if they'll be funny and they'll go and then me boss will be giving me stick...", and thinking, "How much notice have I got to give? How- how-". And all this is going through me mind, I'm walking home and I got in, said to Suzanne, "I'm sick of it." She's going, "You need to do it, I want to get a new kitchen."

karl: And I was like, "Yeah, but how big does the kitchen need to be?" I was sayin', "Do we need a big kitchen? Can we get a small one? Have we got enough for a small kitchen?"

karl: "Do we need so many cupboards? Can we just have wood instead of steel?" All of this trying to get out of doing this.

steve: Yeah. It's almost a sh- I always feel I- you know, cuz I- I like to think that I'm not perhaps as bad as him.

ricky: Yeah, I know.

karl: You annoy me in different ways.

steve: Nice.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Like what? How does he annoy ya?

karl: Well, stuff- stuff that, you know- I come up with ideas, say "Cheap as Chimps"--

steve: Yeah. Yes.

karl: Uh, "Rockbusters" springs to mind.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. I like wh--

karl: Uhh, "Fifteen Taiwan". Uhh...

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Fifteen Taiwan". Let's just remind people what "Fifteen Taiwan" was.

karl: It was a little feature that I wanted to give a run, you know- give it a little run, see if people like it. Ehh--

steve: The premise being?

ricky: No, there's no premise, just the title.

karl: No, we were gonna get fifteen, sort of, ornaments, you'd explain them...

karl: And then people would call up and say--

ricky: (Laughing) On radio.

karl: "That one's from Taiwan."

steve: See! Karl, you've just explained why I didn't think that was a good idea!

karl: Yeah, but you--

steve: By explaining the good- the--

ricky: No--

karl: Do you know what the funny thing is, Steve, right? I was walking down Regent Street on Monday... Walked past one of these big stores, right, and they got all famous quote- quotes on the windows, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And one of them was something like "An absurd idea is often a great idea."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know who said that?

steve: Go on.

karl: Einstein.

steve: Yes.

karl: Which made me wonder... if you were his mate, would he ever have done "E equals mc squared"?

karl: Or would you have said, "Don't bother with that. It's not gonna work." Cuz that's all you seem to do. Everything I come up with--

steve: Yeah.

karl: You put down.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, that's one thing: he's negative, right. I don't know- I don't know why- I don't know why he's- he is. What else?

karl: He messes me about. I get him concert tickets for stuff and--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And you say, "Oh, I didn't bother going."

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, that is annoying.

karl: You come in, you know, with 5 minutes to go with tracks that need editing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The little bag. That bag that was free.

karl: Yeah, you got a free bag today--

ricky: Yep.

karl: An XFM, little rucksack thing.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You were like, "Ooh, what's this- what's this rubbish?"

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Ricky said, "I'll have it! They're great!", you said, "No, I want it!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well it was free. I need it. I'll give it as a gift or something.

karl: Well...

ricky: So... So, I mean, I think on reflection, Steve is probably a little more annoyin' than me.

karl: Mmm.

karl: I w- I won't go that far.

karl: You are- you are annoyin'. If I had to go away for a week somewhere...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: If it was a quiet place--

ricky: Well, you are again, aren't ya? That's two holidays you had this week- this year, I mean.

karl: If it was a busy place, I'd probably go with you cuz people - do you know what I mean - starin' at me all the time and that if I'm walkin' around with Steve.

ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!!!

karl: No, I'm just--

steve: Can I draw up a list of reasons I don't like you, Karl?

karl: Just being honest.

steve: Well... I'll tell you, cuz the list of reasons I don't like you is incredibly long. And gettin' longer.

karl: I'm just sayin'.

steve: Want another slap?

ricky: "There's a Star". Ash, XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl...

karl: Yeh.

ricky: All right, let's start again. Yeah? I'm gonna be the same but let's start again.

ricky: So, what I mean is: stop being grumpy and let's let me carry on bein'... annoyin'.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Cuz Steve's not gonna change... He's not gonna suddenly start going, "You know what Karl, I think your ideas are really good." Do you know what I mean?

ricky: (Giggling) Remember when he came up with that idea- that gameshow idea--

ricky: (Giggling) And you went- you went, "Well, it's not an idea, Karl." and he came to me and said- he said, "Ahh, I've had it with Steve." "What's it?" He went, "How did 'The Office' ever get on telly?"

steve: Well, what was the idea again in summary?

karl: I don't want to talk about it on-air cuz someone will nick it.

steve: No, they won't!

karl: They will! Donal MacIntyre's already got "Cheap as Chimps"!

karl: I can sort- I bet they're in the making of "Rockbusters" as we speak.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

karl: So, I'm not- I'm not gonna tell you anymore about it because that idea--

ricky: I reckon Bob Holness is probably nickin' that idea.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Well...

ricky: Cheaky little... Right...

karl: "Songs of Phrase" comin' soon.

ricky: Is it?

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Yeah? What is it this week? What's the- what's the phrase?

karl: We're, uhmm, remember the story I told ya ages ago about, uhh--

karl: About me neighbor havin' a horse in her house?

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: Havin' a hor- yeah. A horse in--

ricky: Uh- uh- uh- what's happened with that? Is Lenny Henry doing it as a series?

karl: So, uh, hah--

ricky: People are nickin' your ideas left, right and center.

karl: Well, that's- that's the phrase we'll be usin', anyway.

ricky: What?

karl: Uhh, "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."

ricky: How many words is that?!

karl: 6.

ricky: (Counting) My, nieghbor, had... So, there's no grammar either.

ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."

ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."

ricky: What- i- right... What is the phrase?

karl: "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."

ricky: "Had a- had" Is there- oh- are there any prepositions?

steve: (Laughing) Let's wait 'til we hear it.

ricky: Are there any prepositions in this sentence?

steve: Look, don't judge it beforehand--

ricky: Okay.

steve: You see, I'm turning over a new leaf. I think this is a great idea, I think Karl's a genius and I look forward to hearing this enormously.

ricky: Yeah, okay, and I won't be sick on your leg or squeeze your head or make you jump when you're (Laughing) making a cup of tea.

steve: Just looking through the Guiness Book of Records--

ricky: (Laughing) That is still the funniest thing, innit? Squeaking at someone when they got a cup of tea.

ricky: Right...

steve: There are a lot of what strike me as seemingly pointless, uhh, feats... in the records.

ricky: Uh, the Guiness Book of Records is- right, the Guiness Book of Records is great. I used to- I used to love it as a kid, I've had about 10 copies in my life - the last one I bought a couple of years ago - a present- it was really good. I- I love it. I love the real records: tallest, fattest, thinnest, best, fastest, most expensive, biggest and all that. But the ones that really annoy me are the ones that, the reason these people are in there for it- are the only people that tried.

steve: What- yeah--

ricky: Balancing a milk bottle on your head.

steve: (Reading) "Most Watches Eaten".

steve: I just found that one.

steve: (Reading) "Kim Seung Do from South Korea ate 5 watches - the entire watch with the exception of the wrist band - in a time of 1 hour 34 minutes." What do you make of that, Karl?

ricky: Made him regular.

ricky: Come on.

karl: How did they time him?

steve: (Reading) "Most Live Rattlesnakes Held in the Mouth"? Eight live rattlesnakes held by, uhhm, it just says, "an idiot."

ricky: Eya, this gives me an idea, Karl.

steve: Talking of idiots.

ricky: Yea, do you want to get in the Guiness Book of Records?

karl: Nooo...

steve: Karl, come on, it would be brilliant.

ricky: Come on. There's thing- there's things in there that are- just absolutely anyone can do like that one in "Big Brother". I was watching it and it was, uhm, uhh, balancing sugar lumps! I wanna go, "How many people tried that?!" Are there schools around Britain going, "Listen, we've got to get into the sugar lump award."

ricky: "We gotta- it's grassroots level! There's not enough kids balancing sugar lumps!"

ricky: "How can we compete on the world market?!"

karl: Yeah. I was looking at it last night and there was one about, ehh- about the farrest that a dog swam.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Uhh, I think it was something like 9 miles but it had no choice, did it?

karl: Ya know what I mean? It took out to Atla- Atlantic or something--

karl: And said- it didn't want to do it--

steve: Throw it in the water.

karl: Yeah. So it's not all right to put it in a bin bag and chuck it in a canal.

steve: No.

karl: But, "oh, it's for a world record".

ricky: Yeah.

karl: 9 miles it did.

ricky: Ooh God.

steve: Possible ones that you could do, Karl--

ricky: What's the m- what's the most Forrest Gumps f- fitting in one wheelie bin?

steve: What about this one for you, Karl: uh, the record stands at the moment for "Most Arrows Caught by Hand". But that's quite tricky so what about "Most Arrows Caught by Head"?

ricky: Yeah, they--

steve: And you would just fire arrows at your head.

ricky: They wouldn't- it would just skim off him--

steve: Do you think so?

ricky: Yeah, the roundness, it would never actually get any sort of, you know, connection.

steve: "Fastest Human Crab". Could you do that?

ricky: Oh, do that. What's--

steve: Can you do- can you form the crab?

ricky: Can you do that?

karl: What's that?

ricky: Just, like, go bending over backwards and running--

karl: No, can't do that.

ricky: No?

karl: Got a bad back.

ricky: Uhh... w--

steve: Uhhm--

ricky: What would you be good at?

steve: What about "Hamburger Stuffing"?

ricky: OOoh, you--

steve: All right?

ricky: Right, Karl, I- let me- all right... in the mouth you mean?

steve: Well, it says, the record for stuffing the most regulation-size hamburgers including buns in the mouth at one time is how many? How many b- hamburgers with buns in the mouth...

karl: Thi- this is just...

steve: You're not swallowing anything, you've just got to stuff them in your mouth.

ricky: Karl, you'd be soo good at this cuz the shape of your head. You've got a shape- his head's just like Hamburglar. You'd be good at this, man.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Honestly, you'd be perfect- you look like Zippy.

steve: And the great thing is your head's empty so you could get more in there.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Do you know what I mean? This guy had a brain to contend with.

ricky: Oh, do that- do that. What is it? Is it- could he- could he- is it possible? Is it mental?

steve: Well, how many do you think it was?

ricky: I don't know.

steve: There were three burgers in buns. What do you reckon, Karl?

karl: What- how- how quick he ate 'em?

steve: He didn't eat them, it's just how many he can stuff in his face. So, literally ha- hold them within his cheeks and his mouth but don't swallow anything.

karl: So, what- how many- how many burgers?

steve: How many burgers... did he manage to get into his- his face?

karl: Uh, this is a fella, it's- it's not...

steve: Yes.

karl: About... about 5?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) No, no, no, no, 3 is the world record.

ricky: 3?!

steve: 3 is the world record.

ricky: But how big are they, though?

steve: It just says, "regulation-size". I don't know w--

ricky: So, we could go to M- M- McDonald's or Burger King and get just hamburgers and that would count?

steve: I think- yeah, just the regular burgers and we'll just stuff 'em in--

ricky: It won't count cuz we gotta get Norris McWhirter or whoever--

steve: Well, yeah, but we could practice it now and then if- if you're triumphant- you get four in there--

ricky: Come on, Karl.

karl: No, I don't- I don't- you know I've got a- a small throat and that, I've- I used to choak a lot--

steve: Well, you don't have to swallow 'em. That's the great thing.

karl: Yeah, but I u- I don't- I don't like it. As a kid I'd- choaking on stuff and I'd- I get funny about it.

steve: Karl--

ricky: No- well, no just keep- keep your tongue at the back of your mouth and we'll stuff the hamburgers in.

karl: No, I don't--

ricky: OH, COME ON! Do something!

steve: Karl, that is dynamite radio.

ricky: W- w- he'll go- he'll go- he'll g- Steve will go and get the hamburgers--

steve: Have I got to pay for 'em?

ricky: Get- no, Karl get- give us the money.

karl: I'm not paying for them.

ricky: Oh, come on!

karl: I've just spent 25 quid in total on a video and a Guiness Book of Records. That's costing me another 4 quid!

ricky: Come o--

karl: I'm not doing- no, I'm not doing it.

ricky: Oh, come on. Come on.

karl: No, I don't want to do that.

ricky: Give us the money. Get- we'll pay you back. Andrew'll--

karl: No, it's too- no, I don't want to do it.

ricky: Oh, come on!

karl: I'm not doing it.

ricky: Come on! Do it! It's a- it's a interesting thing. Come on.

karl: No.

steve: You could be in the Guiness Book of Records, Karl.

karl: Well- well, I'll leave it.

ricky: Se- see if we can. Oh, please! Phone in if you want Karl--

karl: No, I'd--

ricky: To eat burgers. You don't have to swallow them. You can spit it all out. You can be sick on my leg after. Oh, come on! W--

karl: No, cuz I don't like the- the stretching thing either.

ricky: It don't stretch it you c--

karl: It will stretch. I'll be like the little bloody dog on the Winston Churchill ad.

ricky: Don't swear on-air!

karl: Well, I'm just saying though- I know but it's si--

ricky: We apologize to the radio authority. Karl is not only swearing but he's refusing to do things we come up with!

karl: Oh, but the radio authority will be happy with me stuffing 3 burgers in me face.

ricky: (Laughing) Karl, look--

karl: I'm not doing it.

ricky: Yeah, we will. But go--

karl: No. Leave it.

ricky: You--

steve: Right, I'm gonna go to- I'm gonna go to--

ricky: I'll give you the money.

karl: Can we do "Songs of Phrase" or something?

steve: No, let's do--

ricky: No. Right--

ricky and steve: Play a record.

ricky: Play a record. He's gonna- you're gonna do it, Karl or you're- or you're fired.

steve: No, actually he wants that.

ricky: No, you're gonna do it. Do it. Please, do it. It'll be great, honestly. Please, do it.

karl: What about Chicken McNuggets - meet halfway?

ricky: Nooo! There's no record for Chicken McNuggets, mental!

karl: Well...

karl: I said I'm not doing it, Steve, so--

ricky: You are. You are.

ricky: Steve.

steve: (Over the Phone) Yeah, hello.

ricky: Can you hear me?

steve: Yes. Can you hear me?

ricky: Yeah. Where are ya?

steve: I'm - I'm in one of, uhh, the capital's many burger joints. I'm just about to go up now and order, uhh, some burgers.

ricky: Where are ya? Wha- wha- where are ya? Where are you in?

steve: I'm in McDonald's in, uhh- in Leicester Square.

ricky: Oh, right. Okay.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What are ya gettin'?

steve: (To Cashier) Hello?

ricky: Just- just get- get- get--

steve: Hang on a sec. Yeah.

ricky: Get two I--

steve: (To Cashier) Hello there. I need to order, uhh, 5 regular hamburgers, please. If that's all right.

cashier: Anything else?

steve: Sorry?

cashier: You just want 5 hamburgers?

steve: 5 hamburgers, yes. Yes.

cashier: Just 5.

steve: Are you- you're probably wondering why I'm ordering only 5 hamburgers, aren't you and let me tell you why - uh, my friend is gonna try and break the world record for putting--

karl: I'm not. I'm not.

steve: Burgers into his fat, stupid face. Uhmm, what do you make of that? Exciting?

cashier: Yeah.

steve: Do you wish him good luck?

cashier: Yeah.

steve: What's your name?

cashier: Tia.

steve: Tia?

tia: Yeah.

steve: Oh, thank you very much, Tia. I'll try and get Tia to, uh, wish you good luck in a minute, Karl.

karl: Mm.

steve: Uhm, just want to make sure, there--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) 5! 5- 5 should be enough.

steve: The world record is, what? 3?

ricky: 3, yeah.

steve: Okay, good. I dun- I dunno- I don't know what, uhm... Oh, here we go, how much is that?

tia: 3.45.

steve: 3.45?

ricky: 3.45 for 5 hamburgers?!

steve: It's good, innit? It's good value.

ricky: (Laughing) It is, really, innit?

steve: Really, yeah, I mean if there's anyone from hamburgers list- uh, from McDonald's listening, they probably want to give us some free stuff, I'd of thought.

steve: I'd of thought, Rick. (To Tia) Can you just, uh, wish my friend good luck before, uh, you- he's just on the other end of the line, there. Just say, "Good luck, Karl."

tia: Good luck.

karl: All right, then.

steve: There you are. That's the people from McDonald's wishing you good luck.

karl: Mm.

steve: Karl, I'll- I'll be back shortly with the burgers.

karl: All right.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Uh, do you want the pickles left in?

ricky: Eminem... "Sing for the Moment"... on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant with 5 little hamburgers.

steve: Got 5 burgers here. Yeah.

steve: And, uhh, so I don't know. How should we begin, Karl? Do you want to just look at the size of these burgers? They're quite small--

ricky: Oh! Uhm, look! They can see it on webcam, can't they? They can see us stuffing these burgers into your mouth.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Uh, and I- uh, and by the way, I'm filming this, Steve.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: L- look I've got a little camcorder.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We- we'll put this on, unseen footage on a DVD or sommat.

steve: Or, uh, maybe on the website.

ricky: On the we- oh, Karl what if you break the record!

steve: Okay, Karl, I'm coming 'round now to, uhh- to just, uhh, monitor this and ejudicate.

karl: Well, I--

ricky: What's the web- if people want to see this on the webcam, what is it?

karl: Xfm.co.uk

ricky: Right, okay.

steve: This, uh--

ricky: Hold on. Oh, can I st- can I still do that?

karl: I'm not bein' funny- I'm not bein' funny, right, but I have got, like, a bit of a wheat thing.

steve: You've got a bit of a what?

karl: A wheat allergy thing--

ricky: Oh, don't give me that!

karl: No, seriously, me head's- I- I've been eatin' a lot of Shredded Wheat recently--

karl: And me head's got a bit bigger.

steve: Karl, I don't think you can let us down now, mate. So just- you've just got to put that first one in--

karl: No, I can't- I can't put that like that in me mouth on its- with--

ricky: What are you talking about?

karl: I- I've got to break it up. I've got to break it up.

steve: You can't break it up.

ricky: Well, you can't break it up.

karl: It doesn't say you can't on the rule thing.

steve: I think it does. It's got to go in--

karl: It doesn't. I can't- look, I physically can't.

steve: Try it.

karl: The on- the- I can't- look! I'd have to be Jade Goody to be able to do that.

karl: Seriously, look. (Muffled) I can't.

steve: Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it.

steve: Yeah, I know but you're not doing it- you're not approaching it right. That's it.

ricky: Oh, come on! Go on! Go on!

steve: That's almost a- (Laughing Slightly) keep going.

ricky: Oh, God! He's not gonna do one!

steve: Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! That's good work. That's good work! Keep going. Ease--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) How did they get three in?! Keep pushing!

steve: Ease it in. Ease it in.

ricky: Keep pushing! Keep pushing! Get one in at least!

steve: Ease it in.

ricky: Get one in at least! Get one in!

steve: Ease it in.

ricky: Get one in!

karl: (Muffled) I can't!

ricky: Push it. Push it.

steve: That's one! That's one! That's good, let's go for another one!

ricky: Let's go one--

ricky: REM, "Nightswimming". It's a lovely song, innit, Karl?

ricky: Uh?

karl: Mm.

ricky: XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me: Steve Merchant. Karl, disappointing. Disappointing. You couldn't even get one whole burger in your mouth.

karl: I did, kind of.

ricky: Yeah, but there was a bit sticking out, it just looked messey, there was no--

karl: Yeah, but you were saying about putting it in whole and y- I don't think that's the rule.

steve: Okay.

ricky: W- w--

karl: It's like you fit more in a suitcase if you- if you put things in properly.

ricky: So--

karl: You don't just get out all your clothes and chuck 'em in. So it's about- I reckon you've got to rip it up a bit--

ricky: Okay, do that, then.

karl: All right.

ricky: See how many you get in. You've gotta get in 2.

karl: No, just- just one!

ricky: No- no--

steve: Well it's- it's 3, is the--

ricky: You gotta pack it in. What you gotta do is pack your cheeks first.

karl: Honestly, Steve me head is- is swellin' a bit cuz I- I have got a wheat thing.

karl: Wheat allergy.

ricky: That'll be good though, there'll be more room.

ricky: All right, okay, look, Karl is now sticking it in his cheek.

steve: Okay, that's--

karl: Right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't eat any.

steve: You can't swallow any. It's like a hamster, you've got to work it like a hamster.

ricky: Yeah. Stick it in. Come on.

ricky: (Laughing) Look at his face!

steve: He looks like Marlon Brando in "The Godfather".

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Come on!

ricky: Don't lose any! Yeah. All right. Right--

steve: Pack it in then. Use your fingers to pack it in. That's it.

ricky: Come on!

steve: Wedge it in.

steve: Like you're grouting the bath.

karl: (Muffled) I can't do this either.

steve: Keep going! Keep going!!!

steve: Keep going. Don't give up so early!

karl: (Muffled) I'm not--

steve: This is part of the problem, you just give up, Karl, too quickly.

ricky: Yeah, you failed again. It's like your history O Level. Come on, Karl! Be a- d- come on! Do something well!

steve: That's- that's one down! That's--

ricky: Succeed at something! Push it in. You've got a whole- nearly a half a burger there. Or I'll come 'round- I'll come 'round there!

ricky: You're chewin'!! Don't chew!

karl: (Muffled) I've gotta be able to fit it in!

steve: (Laughing) I don't know what he said but... Is that a whole one?

ricky: Right, is that a whole one?

karl: (Muffled) Yeah.

ricky: No, it's not! I can see bits left!

steve: Come on, Karl. Come on. Keep working at it.

karl: (Muffled) I can't do it anymore.

steve: Keep working at it. Look, there's so much space in your mouth - I can see it.

ricky: He's going red. Okay. Okay, we'll do another one.

steve: We're gonna abandon that one then.

ricky: We'll do another one. We'll do anoth- oh, s- are you all right?

steve: Are you gonna be sick?

ricky: Are you all right?

steve: All right?

karl: Mm.

steve: Uhh?

ricky: Oh God, should we play a record? Uhm, he's makin' my eyes water now.

steve: Uhhh.

ricky: Oh- oh, dear!

steve: Karl, I'll find a different one for you.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Find a different one for him.

steve: What about "Most Grapes Eaten in 3 Minutes"?

ricky: I'll go. Do you want to do that? Grapes are easy, aren't they?

steve: "Most Grapes Eaten in-" That's easy, grapes. Come on, Karl.

ricky: Come on! Grapes are easy--

ricky: White Stripes, "7 Nation Army" that jumped twice. I apologize for that. You're the producer, Karl!

karl: Yeah!

ricky: It jumped twice.

karl: Well... it's n- it's not my fault if people are slippin' around because of burgers on the floor.

karl: You're trying to squeeze me head when the song's playin'.

ricky: (Laughing) What difference does that make?!

karl: Well... anyway...

ricky: Right, uhm... DON'T EAT- right, I've just, uhm- I've just got some grapes, there. Ehhm, we've, uh- we've counted them out. What's the record, then?

steve: Okay, well the most grapes eaten in three minutes- you've got three minutes, Karl and you've got to beat Mat Hand from the UK who consumed a total of one hundred and thirty-three grapes, right, in three minutes on the 8th of November 2001.

ricky: Right, there's a hundred and fifty there.

steve: There's a hundred and fifty there.

ricky: Right... okay.

steve: So, you've got three minutes.

karl: What- what are the rules?

steve: The rules are--

ricky: You've just got to eat 'em and swallow 'em and it's- it's like "Cool Hand Luke", right, you gotta just stuff 'em in and don't choke because I got worried with the burger. That's a good advert for McDonald's, innit? Not only was I impressed by the cheapness of 'em, but he couldn't even get one in his mouth.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: So, value for money there. Maybe they'd like to send us some free stuff.

steve: Yeah! Free- free s- or just money. Any- some money would be good.

ricky: Next, uh, week, Karl you're eatin' Sony Walkmans.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's right, yeah.

ricky: Available for...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right, uhm- right, Karl- right, I think this is- this is gonna be good, right. What we're gonna do, right - we got "Song 2" by Blur set up. We know that's two minutes, so you can play that cuz that'll be boring radio s- hearing Karl choke, wouldn't it, for three minutes?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yes, exactly.

ricky: So, when I say, "Go", Karl, right, I'm gonna go right on the minute, right, you've got to have a hand full of grapes and you've got to press "Song 2" by Blur, when we come back you'll be stuffing your fa- hold on, are you going to be able to do that? How can you- can you work the buttons? Can you--

karl: I can do that. I can do that.

steve: No, I don't think you can to--

ricky: No--

steve: You cannot touch the grapes until the opening note of "Song 2" begins.

ricky: Yeah, but hold on. When- when- when "Blur 2"- when "Song 2" stops, can we just press up the faders so y- cuz you'll be stuffing your face--

steve: Don't worry, we're almost- we've got- let's go. If we go, uhh--

ricky: Okay.

steve: Any second now.

ricky: Okay, right, okay.

steve: You're ready, Karl.

ricky: Three, two, one, GO!

steve: And he's off. That's good work from Karl, now, he's just- he's approaching it cautiously to begin with. Cautiously... and he's just- yeah, he's- he's keeping--

ricky: Come on! Is this- should we, uhh?

steve: Well, let's just, you know, it's keeping people happy.

ricky: Come on! Come on! G- Go!

steve: Come on. Don't- don't make him laugh, Rick, he's chokin'!

ricky: Come on! Come on!

steve: He's chokin'! Oh--

ricky: He's- no- he's--

steve: Karl!

ricky: QUICK! Come on!

steve: Keep going, Karl!

ricky: Come on! Come on!

steve: What's happened?

ricky: Come on!

steve: What happened? Did he just throw up?

ricky: No!

ricky: (Laughing) Don't make him laugh!

steve: Ohh!

ricky: Come on!

steve: We can make--

ricky: Come on.

steve: We can make wine.

steve: Come on, Karl, you're doing so well, mate.

ricky: Come on, Karl. How long to go? Come on. Only--

steve: Why are you makin' him laugh?! That was a world record attempt!

ricky: Uh, he's over the ti--

steve: Keep going!

ricky: Come on!

steve: Don't give up!

ricky: You've got 25... seconds!

ricky: Come on. Aww.

steve: I think that was, uhh- that was a shame, actually, cuz you were doing well but something went wrong.

ricky: I know, and I think those are bigger grapes than the ones I've seen before. They're quite big (Laughing) grapes. Look at his face! He looks so despondent. Come on, Karl, eight seconds. Just a few more.

steve: Five...

ricky: (Laughing) Come on. What's the matter?

steve: Two.

ricky: Two.

ricky and steve: One.

steve: It's all over, Karl.

ricky: It's all over. We better count how many he did. Just to... Cuz we- you can get good at this. We can get good at this over the weeks.

steve: I think that was a fairly pitiful attempt, actually. I really thought he had the- it's interesting, actually, these are harder records than you might think.

ricky: Yeah, I know.

ricky: 6... 8... 10...

steve: How do you feel after that record breaking attempt?

karl: Not happy with that.

ricky: (Laughing) Nine... right... 24...

steve: What are you not happy about?

karl: The fellow who did it, was he in hospital and just had loads of grapes and just was bored?

steve: He didn't have the--

karl: I'm sure he wasn't producing a radio program, that's for sure.

steve: Well, to be fair, neither are you.

steve: What, uhh- what- what was tricky about it? What did you find hard?

karl: I think having Ricky standing over me--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Sort of, shouting, "Go on!"--

karl: Isn't normal.

steve: (Laughing) No. But did that- so, that wasn't--

ricky: He hasn't eaten any! Hold on... That's fifteen there... Two, four...

steve: That's quite- that's quite a poor attempt then, by the seem of it. Ehhm, would you think about trying to maybe do that again in a couple of weeks? Would you do some practice--

karl: No.

steve: And try that again?

karl: No, leave it. Leave it for the--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Hundred and twenty...

karl: Experts.

steve: And, uhm, there was, I notice, a tricky point, uhm, maybe, sort of, when you had about, uh, fifty seconds to go you seemed to be spewing things into the bin. What was that?

karl: Again, uh, mainly Ricky standing over me, sort of--

ricky: Hold on, eighty-eight...

karl: What?

ricky: He's got eighty-eight left.

steve: Okay, so what's the mental arithmetic there? Cuz we put how many in... was it a hundred and fifty I think, wasn't it?

ricky: What- what did I- what did I say? What did I say you had left?

karl: Well, I'm not doing it again, so...

steve: Eighty-eight. He had eighty-eight left.

ricky: So, there's sixty-two. God, you only ate sixty-two. What's the matter with you, Karl? There's people star- you ate sixty-two. That is rubbish.

karl: I'll have to--

steve: That's disappointment.

karl: Let's leave that.

steve: So, you've- well you've- so, you failed on two world record attempts there.

ricky: Sixty-two and the records's a- that is rubbish! What were you doin'?!

karl: I- yeah, but like I said, I've got a small throat. I can't- I can't drink a drink quick. Ever since the Mr. Freeze pops when I was six--

karl: That I nearly choked on- I nearly died on, I- I can't go back. It'd be like asking, I don't know, someone who got run over to play Frogger or something.

ricky: (Laughing) What's Frogger?

steve: What- you mean real-life Frogger?

karl: A computer game. Well, just the computer game brings back memories, dunnit?

steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

karl: And I can't do that.

ricky: What's Frogger? Does Frogger get run over?

karl: Yeah.

steve: It's a little frog and it has to run across a digital--

ricky: Do you know- do you know who he reminded me of - apart from Hamburglar and Zippy and all that? When he was munching those grapes, cuz of the shape of his head, it looked liked like a game of Pac-Man.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) It did. As he was gettin' to 'em it looked like (Simulating Pac-Man Sound) Boop-Boop-Boop-Boo Doot-Doot-Doot-Doo.

steve: We should have had that music.

ricky: (Laughing) It looked just like it. Ohh, Karl--

steve: Do you remember there was a, uh- there was a board game version of Pac-Man.

ricky: Was there?

steve: I mean, the only thing that Pac-Man had was the fact that it was on a computer and it was a little face eating things. But, imagine that as a board game.

ricky: But there's- there's- there's board games of, like, things that you don't need board games for.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's like there's board games of Charades.

steve: I- do you know what--

ricky: You don't need that. It's like parlour games- board games of "Let's Watch the Telly"!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Let's play "Sit Around"! And it's all like, "nineteen ninety-nine y-". You don't need it!

steve: "New from Mattel: A Stick! Simply run along clanking it against a- uh, a fence or a metal grate--"

ricky: "It's Fence Stick!" and a picture of a little a- "Oy, Nan! Nan, that's my Fence Stick!"

karl: I'll tell ya what--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "That's my Fence Stick!" Do you know what I saw in, uhh- in a shop recently? The board game of "Cold Feet"--

steve: The TV show. I have no idea when you--

ricky: That is a winner. "You are John Thomson."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Go back".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ahhh.

karl: I'll tell you a good game.

steve: "Drink eight pints." Go on.

karl: "Songs of Phrase".

steve: "Songs of Phrase"! Nicely done.

karl: Right, we'll get this going.

ricky: How do you feel, Karl?

karl: Uh, yeah, all right--

ricky: Again, disappointment. Disappointment probably to your family and friends.

karl: Well, I don't think they'll be get- that gutted, to be honest.

karl: All right, "Songs of Phrase".

steve: All right, Karl, why don't we play a tune and come back with "Songs of Phrase" cuz it's a big tease, people love that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's one of the hot new radio quizzes.

ricky: We got- we got one more thing (Laughing Slightly) for you to eat.

karl: No, I'm not doing anymore of those.

karl: Seriously. Play a song?

karl: Right, "Songs of Phrase" next. All right?

karl: That was rubbish, that half hour.

karl: Rubbish.

ricky: That's great. The Roots, "The Seed". XFM 104.9. I'll bet that is a record... of eating grapes whilst DJing.

steve: Possibly. I'm assuming if there's any listeners out there that have a, uh, record-breaking attempt they'd like to see Karl undertake in future weeks they should email in.

karl: I think, uh- I think Johno has got that one.

ricky: Right, what have we got, then? That's that--

karl: Right--

ricky: That's the silliness aside now. Let's get on to the proper show.

karl: Right, "Song--"

karl: "Songs of Phrase".

ricky: Yeah. Should we do that?

steve: Yeah. On to the classy stuff.

ricky and karl: Yeah.

karl: Do you wanna do the prizes first?

steve: Right, uh, now then, where are they? Here they are.

steve: I haven't seen these but I'm excited as ever... All right, we have a tshirt there- arbitrary tshirt that you have probably stolen off of someone. What does it say? D- d- d- is it the Red Hot- the Red Hot Chili Peppers--

ricky: That's all right.

steve: So, that's that. That's not too bad. That's a big tshirt there. Uhm... oh, do- do- do- do-... on DVD, this- should you be giving this away? This looks like it's the film "Don't Say a Word".

karl: Yeah.

steve: Uh, and it's, uhm- it doesn't have all the proper packaging, it's literally the, uh- the disc- the DVD disc just loose. So enjoy that. The current album from Oasis, uh, "Heathen Chemistry". Uh, DVD- on DVD "The Life of Mammals: The Complete Series", the David Attenborough- recent DVD, uh, that. "Walking with Cavemen" which I think is a DVD. It's all currently on tv, isn't it? And, uhm--

ricky: Well, there ya go. Not bad--

steve: And also "The X List" which is a good new compilation- double CD compilation from XFM with loads of stuff on there including N.E.R.D., Snoop Doggy Dog, Athlete, all sorts.

ricky: Go on then, Karl.

steve: So, not bad actually. Some good stuff.

ricky: Nice one. Well done.

karl: Right, so, uhh, yeah, it's a phrase that- that's been said at some point or said a lot on the show. We've had, like, "Hairy Chinese kid"...

karl: We went back to, uhh, "Me mam had wind for five minutes" and that. Uhh, today we're lookin' at, uhh, "Me neighbor had a horse in her house". Right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: If you remember, we were talkin' about that probably about a year and a half ago, now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Of course people- of course people remember. They've been talkin' about it ever since, Karl, I imagine.

karl: Yeah, so--

ricky: Well- it's famous- it's- it's a world famous phrase, "My neighbor had a horse in her house".

karl: Right, so this is, uh, this week's "Songs of Phrase" and what I've done is I've got songs with those words in that make up that sentence.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You've got to email in [email protected] There's six different songs, right?... You email in with what- what I mean--

ricky: I don't know how there is six. "Me neighbor had horse in house" - is it really that sentence?

karl: "Me neighbor had a horse in a- a- her house". It does work. Honestly, it works, right?

ricky: Yeah, okay, don't bother explaining it, just play it.

karl: You ready? All right. So, here's the, uh- here it is...

steve: We should just re--

karl: Right?

ricky: What... in... God's name was that?

karl: Here you are. Name the six songs.

karl: Eh?

steve: Are we naming the artists or the songs?

ricky: Are we the--

karl: A- artists.

ricky: Anyone who gets anything can get a prize. Geez.

steve: Once more, Karl.

karl: Artists. Here we go...

steve: That's tricky, Karl. That's very hard. Once more?

karl: Email in [email protected] I'll give it--

ricky: Another let down. Another let down.

karl: A brilliant one. It's brilliant, this.

ricky: N- no--

karl: How can you just say that after I've just been stuffing grapes in me face and that?

ricky: Well, you fail- you failed at- you didn't get ONE burger in, right, even when you tried to- to chop it up there's three, right, so that's it- he- Steve, out of the goodness of his heart went to McDonald's, okay. I got some grapes, you ate 62!

karl: That's got nothing to do with this though. This is my game show here. Bob Holness didn't say, "Yeah, 'Blockbusters' is good but I never see him eating grapes."

karl: So, this is a different thing. Forget that, right.

karl: Here's the clips again. Here's the clips.

steve: Karl, you know when I said I was gonna turn over a new leaf and not criticize your ideas? I think it's the end of this one, mate.

ricky: Ooooh, he's done it again.

steve: It's atrocious. [email protected] if you've any idea.

ricky: Dandy Warhols, "We Used to be Friends". That is Karl's favourite record of the year.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Yeah. New- new music. Bit of new music--

ricky: He gets- he gets- he gets- he gets one- he gets one play... a year and he chose that.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's what he chose.

ricky: It's all right but, I mean, th- favorite track, innit? He played that. That was Karl's choice--

karl: Just something new.

ricky: On XFM 104.9. Don't worry, we've got some really good stuff coming up later with- me and Steve.

karl: If you're from the seventies--

karl: You might like it.

ricky: You see that? He's gettin' too cocky, isn't he?

steve: Arrogant.

ricky: It's, sort of, like he's f- I- I- I mean, we try and- we try and given him something in his life. He's got- you know what I mean, he's f- i- i- his- he comes in and tells us this- this sob story of just, like, a trail of failures and we said, "Karl, come under our wing." Right? Heat have just started picking up on him. A few other people sta- and then he does that. He fails at the burgers, he fails at the grapes, he will not trust us with, you know, what we want to do. I don't know what more we can do. It's like I've saved a mouse from a- from a cat's jaws and it turned 'round and bit me.

steve: Yeah. Yeah! A- that's ex- that is a brilliant analogy. It's a bit like- we were trying to give you something that you could care about that you could be passionate about that would somehow give a meaning to your life.

ricky: You would be in the Guiness Book of World Records alongside- uh, Bubble- Bubble- failed. Do you wanna be Bubble?! Do you want to be Bubble?! Or do you want to be the bloke with the milk bottle on his head--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

ricky: Who's in there.

steve: The guy who ate the watches!

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yes! Now, I've got an idea, Karl, cuz you're gettin' all stressed abou- I don't know what it is, you're gettin' funny- I don't know what- I don't know what's done i--

karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me.

ricky: Well, you say that.

karl: You started mid-week--

ricky: I don't think- I don't think I annoy anyone else so it's just you on that. So, I thought maybe we could, all three of us, go away to a little health farm--

ricky: For a weekend. Just get, like, a- a triple room and j--

karl: Right, that- that isn't happenin'.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why?

karl: You've just reminded me - because you been annoyin' me, Steve started gettin' on your case- you know, sort of, gangin' up on me - I'll tell ya now, Steve - I just forgot - remember a couple of weeks ago you said to me that my pub team- pub quiz team is rubbish?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, well, it doesn't matter anymore cuz you're not part of it this time.

steve: That's bad. That's bad. Because it's interesting you say that, Karl--

steve: Karl, you say that- because I tell you this: I found someone--

steve: I found someone, mate, who could be, uh, filling that tricky fifth member. I wanted to test them out this week, mate.... on your team, on your team.

karl: Test 'em out on your team.

steve: Karl--

karl: Because I'll tell you what this is like - I don't know if you're famil- familiar with, uh, Paul Ince, he used to play with Man United.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Right? But everyone used to say he's "The Governor", right? Even the players used to call him "The Governor", right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And Alex Ferguson at Man United was like, "I'm not havin' this."

steve: Yeah.

karl: "I'm in charge here" and he got rid of him. And that's what's happened; you- you were moanin' the other week...

karl: Saying, "Y- y- y- your team's rubbish, you don't know what you're doin'."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well, let's see how you do on your own. Right--

steve: Karl--

ricky: Oooh! He's turned, hasn't he?

steve: I'll be honest, Karl, I'd like to be on your team.

karl: Well, sorry, uhh, Paul Ince...

karl: You'll have to go and join Middlesbrough or whatever it is he's gone to.

steve: Karl, what can I do to get back on your team?

karl: It's not happenin'. I've already filled your boots.

ricky: Don't let him have the upper hand, Steve!

steve: No, no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. I'll tell ya what always annoys me, though... Ricky spends most of the show slagging you off, right, havin' a go at you, a- annoying you in the week, squeezing your head, making you eat burgers, right? But, you always take it out on me!

steve: I'm the one who always gets the insults, I'm the one who's now relegated from your team! Why- when- when i- you see, this is the thing, you're just as bad as him, really, because you're siding against me because you know that I'm- I'm willing to take it. You le- what it- the truth of it is this--

steve: You know that (Laughing Slightly) Ricky Gervais is keeping you- is keeping you in burgers and grapes metaphorically speaking.

ricky: (Laughing) I'm so sorry.

steve: He's the one who's got you in Heat Magazine.

ricky: L- look! I just spat all over your new Guiness Book of Records.

steve: You see?

ricky: Get me a tissue.

steve: He's just squirted tea, laughing all over your Guiness Book of Records--

ricky: I had to extricate- you made me laugh!

steve: I'm the one who's gonna get the flak for that!

ricky: No, i- it's cuz you made me laugh when I was drinking cuz you went, (High-Pitched Stuttering Noises) like that and it made me laugh and I spat all over your--

karl: That's ruined.

steve: I just- I just think it upsets me that you- that you never--

ricky: Awww.

steve: You never pick on Ricky. You never have a go at him because you know he's- he's the one who's keeping- who's raised your profile--

ricky: Oh my God!

steve: And made you a little bit of a celebrity.

ricky: We- we've missed one here! (Reading) "Using his teeth, Rahman Andhi Appan, right, hust a to-coconut.

steve: He did what?

ricky: He husked a coconut. He's the fastest coconut husker in the world.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) What does that mean?

ricky: I don't know, he pulls husks, uh- he pulls husks.

steve: What's that?

ricky: (Laughing) Look at his little face! Look.

steve: What's a coconut husking?

ricky: I- i- he pulls the cusks off a- look at Karl just with his head down! Karl, come on!... What's a matter?

karl: Cuz that cost me 20 quid.

ricky: I know, well I'll see you all right. I'll se- I'll--

karl: And you've spilled tea all over the world's smallest man.

ricky: (Laughing) Why have they stood him next to the world's biggest man?

steve: Right, I'm in a bad mood now.

ricky: Ooh, dear.

karl: Well, I- I'm not happy.

ricky: So, you haven't got a team? St- c- I'll sort you out. Come to me, I'll sort you out.

steve: Seriously, though, I- I--

ricky: We'll win.

steve: Found someone who would help you win this week, Karl.

ricky: No, Steve--

steve: And I was gonna tell you about it and now--

ricky: Steve, you can be on my team this week and I'll- and I know something about the quiz that Karl doesn't know. So...

steve: I'll tell you, I just think that it's so ungrateful.

karl: Whatever.

steve: So ungrateful.

karl: Right, "Songs of Phrase" just give it a couple more plays just--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Email in, we'll pick a winner soon. Uh, [email protected]

ricky: Well, this isn't- this is rubbish, this week. No one's- knows it cuz it's rubbish. Steve was right.

karl: Mmm.

karl: There's six songs there so if you know what they are just--

ricky: That's the end of that, I think. That's the end of "Songs of Phrase"--

karl: Email in.

ricky: I think. We've got no--

ricky: No- no- none left--

ricky: That's the last week for that. That is rubbish.

steve: Okay, well, why don't you give us some "Monkey News". Is it "Monkey News" time?

ricky: Yeah. Come on. "Monkey News".

karl: No, we'll play a song and we'll--

ricky: No, no, no, do "Monkey News"!

steve: Let's play a song. Let's play a song.

ricky: Awwww. Aw, this is a great track.

steve: Cheer up, Karl.

ricky: "Wai--"

karl: Is it new? Is this new?

ricky: "Waiting for an Alibi" by Thin Lizzy.

karl: How- what year was this out?

ricky: Doesn't have to be new, it's brilliant!

karl: What year was this out?

ricky: Oh, Einstein wasn't new when he came up with the greatest theory ever! (Whiny Voice) Oh hold on, you're not new! You're not new!

ricky: "Waiting for an Alibi" by Thin Lizzy on XFM 104.9. Right, okay, just- this is- aww. All the- with all the trauma in the world, I thought we'd come on and give a little bit of e- and he's just brought it right down. Little Manc twat whinger--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, but I mean- do you know what I mean? He's had a go at you, he's thrown you off his team--

steve: I'm devastated by that. That was- do you know that was the one thing I was lookin' forward to... this week?

ricky: To be fair, you were looking forward to telling him you were takin' over the team so it's, sort of, poetic justice. (Laughing Slightly) It has- it has blown up in your face, to be fair.

steve: True, I was- I was trying to squeeze him out of his own company.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, you were going to get him out of his team.

steve: Yeah. Well , I- I--

ricky: So. It was a hostile take over and they- they, sort of, clubbed together.

steve: To be honest with you, there's normally three regulars on his team - I got two of them on my side.

steve: One of which was his girlfriend.

steve: So, uhm, I only had to work on him to try and get him to resign--

ricky: Oh no.

steve: And we'd of been away.

steve: Still, you know, ehm, we should give, uhm, the prizes away, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, well this is- this is been dreadful- that- this thing. We started off well with him trying to force burgers in his mouth and then you come out with this tat. I mean, this is- this is the end of this, cuz it's- I mean, it was shoddy to start with and I did like a couple but this is--

ricky: No only- o- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi--

karl: I'm just sayin'- this is what I was sayin' in the pub yesterday when you were tryin' to be sick on me leg. I was sayin'--

karl: Come up with new ideas if you don't like them.

karl: But you dis 'em on-air...

ricky: Well, it's just disappointing, isn't it? (Imitating "Songs of Phrase") "A. Horse. In. A neighbor. Uh."

karl: Right--

ricky: What's that?!

karl: I was disappointed when I was chokin' before.

steve: We were disappointed as well!

ricky: Yeah. You didn't try- you didn't try with the grapes. You were just like, (Makes Eating Sounds) chewin' 'em like that.

karl: Right--

ricky: You're meant to just throw 'em in and swallow 'em.

karl: "Songs of Phrase" it was six songs--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It sounded like this...

ricky: Boring.

ricky: Right, what are they? Just give the answers.

karl: There was six songs, there. We had, uh, Lionel Richie "My Destiny" for "my".

steve: Tricky.

karl: "Neighbor"...

ricky: Oh, that's XFM. Ooh.

karl: "My neighbor" was, uhh...

ricky: Space?

karl: Space.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: "Neighborhood".

ricky: Mm.

karl: "Had". Uhh, Harry Connick Jr. "Had to be You".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: (Thinking) "Had... My neighbor had..." "A horse" - America.

ricky: America, yeah.

karl: Uhh, (Thinking) "Had a horse..." "In--"

ricky: "Had"?

karl: "In" was Lisa Stansfield with, uhh--

ricky: Pathetic.

karl: "In All the Right Places".

ricky: Aw, pathetic. Did anyone get that? Did anyone get that?!

karl: And "A house"...

steve: No one got that.

karl: From Animals.

ricky: No one got that. So that was pointless.

steve: All right, well the most any--

ricky: Well, that's the e--

steve: The most anyone got was three.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And so we're gonna give it to Deborah--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And that's possibly to Deborah and Kate--

ricky: Right.

steve: They got at least three of those so, well done.

ricky: Okay. Well done. Those prizes are on the way. That's the end of that. So that's the- no "Cheap as Chimps", none of that anymore. What have you got left? You got the film to do? Let's see what you've done with the film.

steve: Hang on, I'd love to have some "Monkey News", though.

ricky: Go on, then. Got any monkey news?

karl: Yeah, got some monkey news.

ricky: Come on, then.

steve: No, Rick, come on, cheer up.

ricky: Well, he's- it's, sort of, like- he moans that he's got too much time on his hands and he comes up with that shhhhhh...

steve: Okay.

ricky: Shite.

steve: "Monkey News". The jingle please.

ricky: "OOh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News!"

karl: All right...

steve: Okay. Excellent.

karl: Quite a lot of stuff goin' on. There was a few bits in that Guiness Book of Records book--

karl: That cost me twenty quid.

ricky: Yeah, well that's not news, is it? They printed that probably last September.

karl: No, there--

ricky: So that's--

karl: There's one in there where--

ricky: "New music! New music! New- new- 'Monkey News' from last September!"

ricky: You're a l- awww--

steve: Come on!

ricky: Waster.

steve: Please, Ricky. "Monkey News".

karl: Ehhm, right, there was this- this monkey in, uhhh- in a zoo in Brazil.

steve: Right.

karl: All right?

ricky: Mm.

karl: And, uhh, there's a little man monkey, little woman monkey, and, uhh--

ricky: You're a scientist, aren't ya?

ricky: Go on.

karl: And they said, uhh- the people in charge were like, "Aw, wouldn't it be good if they had kids?"

ricky: Brilliant!

karl: Right? So, uhh, anyway, the chimps used to stand, sort of- you know, they'd have their little caves each and used to, sort of--

karl: They used to, sort of, uh, lean on the fence havin' a bit of a chat and stuff--

karl: With each other.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Bit of a chat". Go on. Just gossipin'. Gossipin', yeah.

karl: Well, you know, the- the- the equivalent sort of thing.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, uh, anyway, they were gettin' on a storm and, like, the- the zookeepers were like--

steve: "Did you hear that 'Cheap as Chimps' this week?"

steve: "I thought it was fascinating." Yeah, just- just gossipin', I understand.

karl: So, uh--

ricky: Awww. "What's, uh- any 'Monkey News'? I don't know, let's tune in."

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. "What was 'Monkey News' this week?"

ricky: Go on... "It was from last September." Go on.

karl: So, they were, uhm- they were s- you know, stood there havin' a chat and the zookeepers were like, "I wonder if they're ever gonna, you know, have kids an' that."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Anyway, it went on for ages, you know, this- just chattin', noth- no, sort of, action.

steve: Blimey.

karl: So what the zookeepers did was: they, uh, they said, "I know how they'll have kids--"

ricky: Are we letting that go?

steve: Karl?

ricky: "They were just chattin'", are we letting that go?

steve: Just- we're lettting it go.

karl: You know what I mean. I mean, they- just doing whatever monkeys do--

steve: Okay.

karl: Right. So, uhm- so, yeah- so, the zookeepers were like, "Yeah, I wonder when they're gonna, you know, have some kids."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Anyway, what they decided to do- t- to do- to, sort of, egg 'em on...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uhhm, bought 'em- bought one of 'em a suit, one a wedding dress.

ricky: Right...

steve: Keep going!

ricky: No, I'm not havin' it.

steve: Shut up, Gervais! Fade him down if he's gonna interrupt. I wanna hear the rest of this.

karl: They got- they got- they got married. And, uh--

steve: So, they got married.

karl: Yeah, they got married.

steve: Right.

ricky: What?! That's the end of it?!

karl: That's--

ricky: (Shouting) THIS IS WHY I DON'T- right, that's the end of "Monkey News"!

ricky: That's the end of "Monkey News"! Don't do that again. You've got no features left!

karl: Why don't you like that?

ricky: (Shouting) Wh- wh- because it's not a story!

ricky: (Shouting) It's l- it's about two chimps chatting - which doesn't happen! The zookeepers going, "I wonder if they're ever gonna have kids, egg 'em on." They got married! That's the end of the story! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

steve: Hang on. Just calm down, let me just check that you didn't make a mistake there and didn't lose our- they--

ricky: What do you mean "he didn't make a mistake"?

steve: Shh. Shh. Wait a minute, he may have just left out a fundamental piece of information--

ricky: What, the story?

steve: That would have made it into a story.

ricky: Right!

steve: Let me just check- just check the facts. So, they- they- they bought them wedding outfits, they were married, did they propose to each other or did they- were they just forcefully married?

ricky: Don't encourage him!

karl: Just- just- just forced onto it.

steve: And then what was the outcome? Once they got married, what happened? They fell in love?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Wha- i--

steve: Whoooah, be quiet.

ricky: It's not a marriage, Karl!

steve: Be quiet.

ricky: It's not a real marriage. I don't know what you've got in your head! It's like the head of Homer Simpson, I'd go in there and there'd be a wedding reception and there'd be a couple of fights and they'd be talking about stuff.

steve: They got married, they fell in love... did they have children?

karl: Uhm, they're not back off their honeymoon yet.

ricky: Play a record. You've got no features left.

steve: Eve, "Satisfaction". New single from Eve.

ricky: Yeah. XFM. Quick, play it. Right, we waited three weeks, we are gonna play it. I don't care whether we're late. We were late in cuz there was news. So... Play it.

steve: Which film are you in, this week?

karl: Uhhh, lookin' at "Silence of the Lambs".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right, play it. Just play it.

karl: Have we got a question?

ricky: No.

steve: We'll do the question after.

ricky: Who cares. Who cares. "Should Karl carry on?" Play it.

karl: All right, "Silence of the Lambs"--

karl: The bit where, uhh, Jodie Foster is havin' a chat.

dr. hannibal lecter: Good evening, Clarice.

karl: All right?... Just thought I'd, uh, come and see ya.

hannibal: How very thoughtful.

karl: Don't mind me poppin' in now, do ya? It's just.... just, no one else is interested in the sort of things I like talkin' about.

hannibal: People will say we're in love.

karl: Well... say what they want.

karl: Did you hear the, uh- did you hear the show last week? We were talkin' about gay people...

karl: If they should have their own toilets or not and stuff.

hannibal: That was good.

karl: Yeah, it was all right, wasn't it? Got a good, uh- good debate going. Enjoy doing the show, it's, uh- it's me favorite part of me week, really, just talkin' about weird stuff and that.

hannibal: Oh Clarice, you're problem is you need to get more fun out of life.

karl: I have a lot of fun in me life. You know, come and see you... and, uh, spend a lot of time on the internet looking up weird stuff... people talkin' about a... hairy Chinese kid. There was another thing, there was a fella who, uhh, no arms and legs - is known as "The Pillow Man".

hannibal: Everything you need to find him is right there in those pages.

karl: Bizarre Magazine. Yeah, I get this. The hairy Chinese kid - what annoys me is he could sort it out. He could just have a shave, couldn't he? Do ya know what I mean?

hannibal: No! He cuts.

karl: Does he? Well... He use some, uh- some of that Immac stuff?

karl: Don't be- don't be gettin' funny with me, just cuz you're in a bit of a mood, right? You know you shouldn't eat people. Your eyes are bigger than your belly, I've always said that, so... see ya later.

steve: Interesting. Uh, atmospheric, moody and, uh, the question is... uh, hang on, okay, here, how about this: "How many films have been made featuring the character Hannibal Lecter?" How many films have been made--

ricky: They haven't got time to phone in now, have they?

steve: No, they can email in. They'll have time. Do you care? I don't--

ricky: I don't care.

steve: No, exactly. [email protected] if you can be bothered, if you're interested in what- (Laughing Slightly) you want a 4.99 copy on VHS of "Silence of the Lambs".

ricky: He's dissin' that as well, Karl. What do you think of that?

karl: Bit annoyin' but... that's it for this week, innit?

ricky: Remember what happened when- no it's not!

ricky: It's nine minutes to three--

karl: Don't- don't- tell him- tell him, Steve. I'm sick of this.

ricky: How can that be it? It's nine minutes to three.

ricky: What's he doing? Is he playing a record?

steve: Karl, what can I do to get back on your quiz team?

karl: You're not.

steve: Come on.

ricky: Right. "Songbird", Oasis. Right, send Karl a little present. Send him some essential oils or sommat or, uh- do you know what I mean, a little lavender pillow or- just a little- little message. Send him a little message. Tell him it's all worth it. He's gettin' all grumpy, aren't ya?

karl: I just get sick of it, that's all. It's not worth the f- going through the stress for thirty quid every Saturday.

ricky: You lieing little- you'd get more than thirty quid.

karl: Mm... Not much more. Anyway, Steve, who's the winner?

steve: The winner is Mike McNulty, he correctly answered the fact that there were four films featuring Hannibal Lecter.

ricky: There's a downer now, innit? There's a downer.

steve: I think it was you, actually. I mean, I- I- I don't know, Karl, I'm not- it's not like I'm just trying to win myself a place on your team--

steve: But, I actually felt that Ricky was really out of order this week.

ricky: I gave- I gave him grapes.

steve: I thought you- I thought Ricky was--

ricky: Grape--

steve: Was discourteous, if that's a word, I thought he was rude, aggressive, unpleasant... as- as one person emailed in, "a dickhead".

steve: (Laughing Slightly) So... Someone also said you were fat and talentless.

ricky: All right.

steve: So, uhm- so, uhm, awwww, I don't like those emailers who do that sort of thing but one of 'em said you were really, really annoyin'.... and that they didn't want you to--

karl: Well, cheers for that but you're still not on my team.

karl: So... back next week?

steve: What did you say?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He said, "Cheers for that but you're still no--"