XFM Vault - S02E37 Transcript

ricky: Buy it in bottles, Richard Ashcroft on Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now listen up, right, it's the Sony awards this Thursday. Now for those of you who don't know, the Sony awards are like the Oscars for radio presenters and producers and everything, right, so, and as you know me and Steve, we love to win. We want to win this one. It's the last time the panel will be listening, so, I want a good clean tight show.

steve: Okay

ricky: So no swearing, joking aside, no swearing, nothing controversial and nothing in bad taste, alright? Just, good luck out there.

steve: Aren't we a little bit buggered then?

ricky: Well, yeah. So, alright Karl?

karl: Yeah, that's alright. Just, it's just when you say things like, errr, "make it a good one" sometimes it sort of puts a bit of pressure on and things slip out that you shouldn't say and, stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that?

ricky: What when you cant...

karl: It's like, i'll tell you one story, right

ricky: ...Laugh at a funeral

karl: I'll tell you a couple actually

ricky: Go on

karl: Ones just come to mind, right now, right. There was a fella who, errm, who me dad was gonna meet, I don't know if i told you this before, right, but errm, I have told you, when it was a party and everyone was saying "Dave's coming, he looks like Ken Dodd, so don't say anything", Have i told you?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Go on, what is it again?

karl: And everyone is like "right ahhh" and me dads like "ahh I've never met him i wonder if he does look like Ken Dodd" and everyone is saying "yeah but don't say anything...

ricky: Yeah

karl: ...because you'll accidently, you know, say it and..."

ricky: YUMBUNCTIOUS! Yumbunctious to meet you!

karl: So the thing is, when this fella turned up he did look like Ken. My dad couldn't believe it, first thing he said "nice to meet you Ken"

steve: On no

karl: And that's the sort of thing. There was another one, right, errr, at the station that I worked at in errr, in Manchester, right, there was this girl who worked in the news room, right, and err,she had a plastic arm, right...

steve: Right

karl: And this presenter, nice bloke, not out to hurt anyone went up to her, sat down, was chatting for a bit, touched the arm and said "what lovely skin you've got"

ricky: What did she say?

karl: I, I don't think, I mean, she's probably used to it, so she wasn't bothered. And then right, this one, this is brilliant, errrm, this is the sort of gaff he made on air right...

karl: ...and like I say he's a nice bloke so he meant nothing by it, right, but he does this competition on the air, gets a caller on, right, he's talking to the woman saying "thanks for calling in and playing, i dunno, what have I got in my pocket?" or whatever he used to play on the show, right, and err, talking to the woman and in the background there's this noise, right, like...

karl: ...like that, right, so he's talking and he goes, err, "Have you got a, err, pet parrot?" and she said "No, it's my Down syndrome kid."

steve: Oh dear.....Oh!

ricky: Errrr, the thing is, awards don't matter.

steve: Nahh, I don't think so

ricky: Play a record?

steve: So we're not out to offend or annoy

ricky: Appropriate words there, that's The Smiths and Panic. Don't worry about it Karl, people will know that there's..you haven't got a malicious bone in your body...so uh, they they know its confusion. Don't worry.

karl: No, it did happen, so it's not..

ricky: I know, I know, yeah.

ricky: So...what you been doing this week, Steve?

steve: Well, erm, I'll tell you what, at the beginning of the week I was, erm, incredibly annoyed by Karl!

ricky: Why?

steve: Erm, no, uh, well, no, because you-... I remember you had a little discussion with Karl a while back saying that, um, you thought he was lazy at times, and, y'know, you had various criticisms of his work.

ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeah.

steve: And I got a call from him, he said, uh, "Oh yeah, should have told you, I had a phonecall, someone said that they were tryin' to get hold of Steve Merchant to offer him some lucrative voiceover work", now you know-..

ricky: That is money for old rope!

steve: It's money for old rope.

ricky: That's about... you're in there for about 20 minutes, and it's thousands of pounds.

steve: If there are children listening who are still at school, they should definitely... when the careers guy says "What do you wanna do?", try and get voiceover work-

ricky: Voiceover work.

steve: Just become a voiceover artist, it is money for old rope.

ricky: Yep.

steve: So I can't believe my luck, because you know I love money for old rope!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, erm, I said "well, what's the information?", he said, "Oh, I dunno. I deleted the message." It was on his answerphone, he deleted the message, I said "Right, when did the message come?" He said "Last week", so he took a WEEK to tell me...

ricky: Why..?!

steve: ...that he had DELETED the message...

ricky: Why, just 'cos it wasn't for you?

steve: ...I mean, I don't know how selfish that is, Karl!

karl: Is it...no what happened is, right, I got back off holiday.

steve: Mmmm.

karl: I was at home...

steve: Yeah.

karl: So I called up my voicemail.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, 'cos I can do that...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...remote access, right...

steve: Brilliant.

karl: ...'cos I gotta know what's going on at work...

steve: 'course.

karl: Called in-.. it was still me day off, I was goin' through the messages...

steve: Yes.

karl: ...heard one from some company sayin', "We're after Steve Merchant"...

steve: Yep.

karl: ...we want him to do some voiceover work...

steve: Yep.

ricky: Mmmm.

karl: ...right? I can't remember the name of it, but...

steve: Thanks.

karl: ...I thought "right, I'll remember to tell Steve - "

steve: A week later.

karl: It doesn't matter, does it? You still got the message, and they-...

steve: Wha-.. it doe- what message?

ricky: Yeah but voiceovers have to be done in the next couple of days.

steve: But I didn't get the message! All I got was, "There was a company, I don't remember the name, and they phoned in and wanted voiceover work"! How does that help me? There are hundreds of thousands of media companies!

karl: I-.. I was mor-..

steve: You didn't take down a number, you didn't take down a name, nothing!

karl: I, I was more puzzled why they'd want you to voice anything.

ricky: (laughing) Oh he's having a go, ain't he?!

steve: I don't know what..

karl: But listen to that voice.

ricky: You must be annoyed! You must be annoyed.

steve: I mean talk about rubbing salt into the wound!

karl: No but listen to you!

ricky: (half-shocked) Oh... God...

steve: I don't know what you.. I don't know how you think, Karl, I don't know how your mind works.

karl: Well I was thinking there must me a tractor sale on somewhere.

ricky: (laughing) I can't believe it! What's come over him?!

steve: What do I care? Hang on a minute! Wait a minute!

ricky: What's come over him? The worm has turned!

steve: I don't care! I don't care if they wanted me to advertise, you know, the latest designs in pirate fashionwear! I will do voiceover because it's money for old rope. I don't care what you think of my voice; someone was interested, they were offering me money. And you decided - arbitrarily - "Oh they probably won't want it, the probably made a mistake, they wouldn't like the way he talks anyway, I'll delete the message".

karl: No, the thing is, right, I get paid-

steve: What if that had been a girl?

karl: I get paid, to sit here on a Saturday...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ..right, play CD's an' that, help out with the show, get you decent prizes; I think I do me bit...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...right, it isn't about running your voiceover work!

steve: So hang on, so Karl, let me get this right: if someone was ever to phone me, right, trying to get in touch with you to offer you work, you'd want me to just ignore the message? That is what you're saying to me: you'd prefer that I deleted the message and I ignored it altogether? That's what you'd want for me to do, that's what you want me to do?

karl: What, someone's calling you for me?

steve: Someone's phoned me, they've said "I'm a friend of a friend, I've got your number Steve, I want.. I'd love to use Karl Pilkington, for a, er, er, er... something sexy-..

karl: Well you haven't called me, so has it happened? Has it happened?

ricky: "Has it happened!!"

steve: What I'm saying: in the future, if it was to occur, do you want me to just ignore it? Is that what you'd prefer me to do?

karl: Errr... well it's not like that though... I did tell you, I told you the message...

steve: You didn't te-... (disbelief) What?! You told me a week later with-..

ricky: Oh...

steve: ..-none of the information I needed!

ricky: ...Karl, erm, that doctor called last week, that kidney's ready for that, um, little girl... that you were doing that, sponsored walk for... I forgot to tell you!

ricky: I hope it's still alright, they keep it on ice, don't they? I think they do...

steve: Selfish, Karl. So selfish. And you've lost us a Sony.

ricky: Beautiful... bit of Snoop on XFM... yeah?

steve: Mmm-hmm.

ricky: Kickin' it with, er, Ricky Gervais!

steve: Old school! Yeah? Yeahyeah...

ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, sweet, sweet, sweet. Uh, Steve Merchant, and uh.. Karl Pilkington. I-.. What has happened to Karl? Because Karl, I thought is y'know, is this sort of sweet, little buffoon... almost childlike-...

steve: Mmm.

ricky: ...-in his ways, I mean like Charlie Brown, after some sort of...head injury.

ricky: And now he's... now he's coming back like that havin' a go at-... not...not carin' about voiceover work, it's like.. 'cos *Heat* have written about him a couple of weeks it's like he thinks he's better than you in some way.

karl: No, I do care though, you're out of order sayin' that, right...

steve: Karl...

karl: 'Cos I sorted you out with tickets for stuff...

ricky: That he doesn't turn up to.

steve: Karl... Karl! I received a phonecall, you deleted the message offering me voiceover work, you're as bad as my agent.

steve: I don't... I'm appalled by it!

steve: And I thought we were friends!

ricky: Aaahhhhhhh... at least his agent when he does it is losing himself money as well!

steve: Yeah! Exactly!

ricky: He... he... you got no comeback; you're still sweet! And to have a go at his-... you got a Manc whine! Right?

steve: For a voice.

ricky: Like a cartoon Gallagher brother on Coronation Street. I mean Steve's got.. yeah, Steve does sound like a... a Wurzel! But that doesn't-..

steve: Thanks!

ricky: ...d'you know what I mean?

steve: Noooo, y'know..

ricky: What about Jethro? Jethro does well, Jethro gets on Des O'Connor any time he wants.

steve: Just has to phone Des up!

ricky: And he's on there!

karl: Straight on there.

ricky: And he's whining like a Wurzel as well, so... y'know, to say that, that is a rubbish v-

karl: Alright, what-.. what... alright, apart from that then, what else have I done that's wound you up?

steve: Well, that... that... that's a good starting point, because you ain't even apologised!

karl: No no, it's a shock, 'cos that's the first time I've let you down. And I didn't really let you down, because I passed on the message.

steve: You di-.. well, we've been through it.

karl: Okay.

steve: You didn't pass on the message. Saying "I deleted a message for you" is not passing on the message.

karl: Well...

steve: I just think what's happened is that you've got a little bit of celebrity now from the show-..

karl: I haven't.

steve: ..-I mean I've seen you being recognised in pubs and stuff, where people have come up and said "Are you Karl?", de-ne-ner, 'cos they've seen Ricky. Now it just seems to me that you are not keeping yourself grounded...

steve: ..-you cannot deal with fame, you've not got the intelligence to cope with the celebrity...

ricky: Oohhh... now it's gettin'...

steve: ...and you're just becoming this kind of ego-driven monster.

karl: That's rubbish.

ricky: ...now it's gettin'.. now it's getting...

steve: No it scares me Karl. You're not the man I remember.

ricky: ..gettin' a bit... getting a bit nast-

karl: I- I put a lot of work into this, on a Saturday; this ain't even me proper job, right. Where were you in the week?

ricky: Oh yeah, he's got you there.

steve: What?

karl: Where were you in the week? I said "let's meet up, let's come up with some new features" an' that, where were you?

steve: Karl, you phoned me...

karl: Yeah?

steve: ...about an hour before you wanted to meet. That is not what I would call-..

karl: Is it though? That's the way I work.

steve: That is arrogance right there!

karl: That's the way I work.

steve: That's arrogance right there! That's ego right there!

ricky: He couldn't- he couldn't get-... uh, I, er-.. I came in, he said "Where's Steve?", I said "Steve can't make it", I had to tell him why, Steve was staying in to tidy up 'cos his landlady was comin' in... this... this, he couldn't get over. He could not get over that you couldn't make it 'cos you had to stay in for your landlady, his.. his... he talked about it for about the hour when we were working.

steve: What are you talking a-.. I... last week I had a bad throat, you wouldn't tolerate that, you wouldn't accept that-..

karl: Yeah, and what did you do last week when you had a bad throat, where were you?

karl: Why couldn't we do any work then?

karl: (condescending)...'cos you were at home, with your mam an' your dad.

ricky: OH-HO!

steve: You were on holiday weren't you?

karl: Why didn't you get your mam and your dad to clean the flat?

ricky: OHHHH he's done it again! He's done you again mate! Play a record!

steve: How has he done me? What se-.. they live in Bristol!

ricky: Yeah, the joke's on you! He couldn't get 'em to clean the flat! Haaa!

steve: I don't know who's laughing at who now.

karl: Right, listen...

steve: Can we just go back to laughing at Karl?

ricky: Okay!

steve: 'Cos I know where we stand there!

ricky: Okay, alright!

karl: So you want to, uhhhhh-..

steve: That's the natural order of things!

ricky: I know, yeah!

steve: The world's gone topsy turvy!

ricky: He's stepped out of the pecking order!

karl: Well someone who I don't let down, right, are the listeners of this show...

karl: D'you wanna, er, read out the prizes for Rockbusters? We'll get that done.

steve: Okay...

ricky: Oh we're not doing Rockbusters again are we?!

karl: ...yeah...

ricky: Well it was a shambles last week! We CANCELLED it two weeks ago! Wha-..

steve: I mean it just... there you are Rick, both you and I -- and let's be honest, we're the guys with our names on the poster!

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: It's supposed to be your show-..

ricky: And our faces!

steve: Exactly, and yet-..

ricky: We have to have-... we have to be on Tube stations, people laughing at us..

steve: Yeah, yeah... well they're not laughing at me, Rick.. don't say...

ricky: Well! No... what do you people think of the posters? Karl? Seriously.

karl: Uhhh...

steve: I don't want to know his opinion.

steve: It's just going to be insulting. My point is-..

ricky: Just 'cos he was looking at you!

steve: My point is this, Rick: we used to be able to decide what the content of this show was!

ricky: I know.

steve: Now, it's him! He wants to do Rockbusters, he gets to do it!

ricky: I know, and it's awful, Rockbusters... tha-that... "Tourettes Trent Derby". Not only is that offensive, it doesn't work as a clue!

steve: Saying that, have you come with anything for this week?

ricky: What's the prizes?

steve: I'll read out the prizes. We've got a brand-new XFM, uh, a stylish XFM 'DJ bag'-..

ricky: That is actually quite nice.

steve: We've got in there a 12" from the, uh, XFM Remix Album; this has got The Cure on there, The Prodigy, remixes from them, which is quite handy. We got a little mousemat there with the XFM logo on. And here's what everyone's waiting for, the CD's and DVD's... once again, the X-List, this is the compilation XFM have put out, it's actually very good... uhhhh, Smash Hits: The Reunion, let me see what we got on there... Ah-Ha, obviously, Wham!, Duran Duran, all your favourite 80's and 90's classics, another copy of DVD, uh, Steve Coogan's, "Coogan's Run" DVD. What else is this here? Low Fidelity All-Stars, blah blah blah blah, that's some... there's Voodoo House and Ghost Funk on there Rick.

ricky: That's good.

steve: I'm sure that'll be right up your street. And also on DVD we've got Manchild.

ricky: Is that with or without Wrekked Train?

steve: Err, so yeah not a bad little selection there Karl.

ricky: You’ve done well there.

steve: Yeah you’ve done well.

ricky: So go on, do the clues then. Let’s do Rockbusters now.

karl: Well, I’ll, I’ll bung a song on…

steve: And we’ll, well, wow! You…

ricky: I love the fact that he was taking the piss out of your voice. (imitating Northern accent) “I’ll bung a song on”.

ricky: (in Northern accent) “Eeeee, tripe and cow wheels tonight. There’s nowt as griddlin’ as gravy.”

steve: To be honest, Karl, let’s be honest, if Ricky Gervais can get voiceover work…

ricky: You know what I mean.

steve: …there’s got to be a place for me.

ricky: What do you think the place for him is?

karl: Well look, right? You were talkin’ about your face on the poster.

karl: It’s not all bad, because I read something last night that can help you out.

karl: Right? And it’s amazing. So we’ll talk about that.

ricky: Play a record, Karl.

steve: Warren Zevon, “Ain’t That Pretty at All” on XFM.

ricky: 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right, Karl, calm now. The Sony’s, they’re listening, we’ve got to win this award. We’re just bickering, right, what’s this thing that can help Steve out? What you are talking about?

karl: No no, we’ll talk about that in a bit.

ricky: What we doing now then?

karl: We’ll do, we’ll do Rockbusters. Get that up and running.

steve: Yes sir.

karl: Get the email busy.

steve: Thank you sir.

ricky: Yeah, okay.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Go on, then.

karl: Right, so, you know how it works. Cryptic clues, initials-

ricky: Well, as I say every week, they’re not strictly “cryptic”. It’s more “what am I thinking that starts with these letters?”

steve: Is “craptic” a word?

steve: Is that a word? “Craptic”? ‘Cos…anyway…

ricky: Ohhh… oh God.

karl: So last week, err, one of them was “these people from the East Midlands can’t help swearing”.

ricky: Yeah. “Tourette’s Trent Derby”.

karl: Tourette’s Trent Derby.

ricky: That’s the sort of shite we’re dealing with to try and get a Sony.

karl: Alright? So, er, here’s the clues an’ that.

karl: First one.

steve: An’ that.

karl: Er…

steve: What are we after here, the artist?

karl: Yep.

steve: The band name or solo artist.

karl: I’ll tell ya, I’ll tell ya in a minute.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Er, so the first one: “The hitchhiker needs a lift, but in something bigger than a car.”

ricky: Ohh, God, and what’s the initials?

karl: V. H. Alright? The hitchhiker needs a lift, but in something bigger than a car.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright? Second one: “Don’t be selfish, hand some of it out to your mates.”

ricky: Right.

karl: The initial there is C. Alright? Don’t be selfish, hand some of it out to your mates. Err, and the third one…

ricky: You sure that’s not “What is Karl?” He’s selfish.

karl: No.

ricky: Begins with C.

karl: Right. And the third one: “The Scottish fellas can’t get into their emails”.

ricky: Right, okay.

steve: “The Scottish fellas…”

karl: The Scottish fellas can’t get into their emails.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: Right? The initials there: K.L. Right, so quickly again: The hitchhiker needs a lift, but in something bigger than a car. V.H.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Don’t be selfish, hand some of it out to your mates. C.

ricky: Alright, this is your last chance Karl.

karl: And the Scottish fellas can’t get into their emails. K.L.

ricky: If I hear anything like “Wet Knee Houston” or “De Trout Spinners” or “Tourette’s Trent Derby” coming out of this, we’re never doing it again. Okay? Have you got Monkey News for this week?

karl: Errrr. Don’t know if I wanna do it this week. So…just ‘cos Breakfast do it, an’ that, and errr…just leave it maybe this week, see what happens. See if we need it. See…we’ll see…

ricky: I…sometimes I don’t know…play a record a minute, Karl. I wanna talk to you, talk to you off air. Play a record.

karl: Or what?

ricky: What’s the email address again?

karl: [email protected]

ricky: Okay.

karl: Right, that’s where they email the answers in.

ricky: We’ve got to remind you whose show it is. Play a record.

karl: Alright.