XFM Vault - S02E42 Transcript

ricky: (laughing) The Darkness – Growing on Me, on XFM 104.9. Oh, it’s all going well already, innit?

ricky: Microphones fell apart, Karl’s shoutin’ ‘cos he’s got headphones on--

steve: (laughing) His music’s turned up too loud in his headphones--

ricky: At Camfield level, God, he’s got pre-amps, look at him giggling, he’s, look at him, look at him laughing, that’s so funny ‘cos I’ve got a letter here, eh, from, eh, from, who is it from? Em, Mike Heel, who sent me a little picture of a little Japanese fella from a film who he said looks like me – and he does a little bit – em, but he says “Please can you make Karl laugh, I’ve never heard him utter as much as a snigger and I’m worried he may have a genetic disorder. Well, (laughing) I mean he has got a genetic disorder--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: -- obviously, but, em, he was giggle then. I hope, eh, I hope people heard ya then. Look at his little face--

steve: It was a joy--

ricky: -- I love the things that make him happy

steve: But I love the fact that just before the, eh, microphone came up and just before the record finished he had his headphones on, the music was too loud and he was just shouting “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING!”

steve: “BAUHAUS IS NOT WORKING. WE’LL HAVE TO PLAY SOMETHING ELSE”.

ricky: (laughing) I went and found Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus and said “Why isn’t it working?” (in a high pitched voice, laughing) Look at him giggling, look, he’s lost it. Is it ‘cos you’re going away? Are you on drugs, Karl? What have you done—he’s, he’s tickled, look at his little roun--he looks like one of those shaved monkeys. Look at his little--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: Oh my God, I’ve never seen a forehead glow--

steve: I know, it’s extraordinary--

ricky: Ohhhh--

steve: And he’s got that red shirt on as well, so the whole thing is just a big glowing--

ricky: Karl, what are you trying? What are you putting in--

karl: Well, I’m just, eh, I’m gonna see if I can get this to work--

ricky: Go on, then--

karl: Hang on--

ricky: Brilliant radio. I hope Doctor Fox is listening because I think he’s eating his words right now, Steve--

karl: Right, I think I’ve done it--

ricky: Well done. That’s excellent.

karl: Right, what, what, what are we doin--

ricky: Let’s play Bauhaus now and try and compose ourselves. This is Ziggy Stardust by Bauhaus.

ricky: Well that worked, that worked, didn’t it? So, panic over, calmed Karl now, calm now. You’re on holidays soon, aren’t ya?

karl: Yeah

ricky: You’ve gotta go off early?

karl: Well, about, eh, about--

ricky: How many holidays have you had? Because I only ever have time off when I’m working, like, doing another job, like, you know, filming or something, but you seem to have a lot of holidays, just like, and you were sick as well, you was just like, and you were sick as well, ‘cos you had wet trousers, which is a little bit, do you not care about the job? I mean, I’ve got to ask, because, you know what I mean, if I was in charge, I’d worry about your motivation, or—because we were, yesterday, we were trying to work out what you enjoy doing and we got to, eh, Manchester United and moaning. And that is, that is the two we came up with--

karl: I don’t know where you get the moaning thing from

steve: You’re always whingeing.

karl: About what?

steve: Everything.

karl: When? When did I last have a moan?

steve: Eh, just before we came on air.

karl: Right. And why was that?

steve: Eh, I don’t know. I can’t remember. ‘Cos we were in a good mood. We were in a good mood, me and Rick.

karl: I’ll tell you why.

steve: Go on.

karl: Because you brought a song in at ten to one, with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it--

steve: Yeah.

karl: with a load of ‘effin’ and jeffin’ in it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And saying “can you edit this?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah

steve: But that’s your job.

karl: You could have brought it in yesterday

steve: No I couldn’t.

karl: Why not?

steve: I hadn’t thought of it.

karl: Hmmmm

steve: But why, but why, but why are you whingeing? That’s your job. And I didn’t come in ten minutes before, it was a good twenty minutes before. It just took you ages ‘cos you were whingeing and moaning.

karl: Hmmmm

steve: So you didn’t even get started.

karl: I’m not being dragged into this

steve: You are always--

karl: I’m on me holiday now--

steve: Well, not yet, no you’re not on yet, you’re still working.

karl: Well, this, that’s what’s funny, this isn’t even work, right, and yet it should be. Compared to what I do in the week, this is a doddle--

steve: Well, That’s because you’re not putting any effort in, clearly. Where you going anyway, where you heading?

karl: Cornwall.

steve: What’s happening down there?

karl: Eh, well there’s a monkey world.

steve: (laughing) You’re excited about that!?

karl: We’ll do that. Go and see that. Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

steve: (laughing) Yeah

karl: Probably go twice to that, whilst I’m down there.

steve: How long you going for? The whole week?

karl: Yeah. So eh--

ricky: This is with your parents, isn’t it?

karl: Yeah. Taking them out. Taking them out.

steve: Your father, what do you think your father will be up to? What’s he going to be nicking on this holiday

karl: Well he’s--

ricky: Tin. There’s a lot of tin in Cornwall, because they’ve shut the mines

karl: Well he’s just called Suzanne and said they’ve got there, said it’s a nice little place. Eh--

steve: There’ll be no towels, when you get there.

steve: Or light bulbs.

ricky: So what are you going to do? Just chill out and go to the pub and stuff?

karl: Yeah, like I say, I mean, all I’ve got planned is probably the, eh, probably the Tuesday and Thursday at Monkey World-

ricky: Wha’ wha’ wha’ Wednesday, what ya thinking about Wednesday? Just wandering around?

karl: Just sort of think about, you know-

ricky: King Arthur, and that. He was down there, wasn’t he?

karl: I don’t know, but I’ll tell you something

ricky: Where you going? What town?

karl: I don’t know, I don’t know where it is. Suzanne’s sorted it out.

ricky: Yeah, she’s sorted it out. I heard him on the phone to her saying “Well pack ‘em. Pack tow pairs.” Poor woman. She’s packing your bags for ya.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right. You’d have spent more time at home if Steve hadn’t come in at ten to, with a rap record with, like obscenities all over it.

karl: Yeah well, we’ll play that next week.

steve: Well you didn’t even get the job done, that’s the thing. We can’t even play it because you didn’t get finished in time. ‘Cos you were whingeing

ricky: I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell you what. That Method Man, if he doesn’t stop ‘effin’ in and jeffin’ it’s the end of his career in my opinion

ricky: All of this ‘eff that and, eh, yo jeff, I’m a jeff myself. Or I’m hanging out with my jeffs. It’s terrible

steve: Yeah. Jeff you!

ricky: And we know you can’t put out the J word on XFM

steve: Yeah. Motherjeffer!

karl: So we haven’t got that, but what we have got--

steve: Go on.

karl: Monkey News--

ricky: We’ve still got Monkey News, have we?

karl: That’s sorted out. That’s coming up. Rockbusters.

ricky: Yeah. Well, last chance. Definitely your last chance this time. You actually improved a little bit last week, you did a couple of good ones.

karl: Yeah. Yeah. Same again this week. And eh--

steve: Cheeky Freak?

ricky: The controversial Cheeky Freak of the Week. Where Karl, um, finds, um, um, a human being with, um, some sort of congenital, or eh, um, imposed deformity. So, eh, we talk about that in a wry way. Do you think that’s bit and clever?

karl: No. But that’s, that’s just it. It’s never about taking the mickey out of someone, right, it’s about, it’s to make you think--

ricky: I’ll tell you what isn’t big and clever--

karl: How lucky you are--

ricky: A dwarf with learning difficulties--

steve: Nice!

karl: Yeah, yeah, well--

steve: We’ll explain it to you.

steve: That’s the forthcoming single from British Sea Power That’s call Carrion.

ricky: That’s nice and retro. That’s like end of the seventies Bowie.

steve: Mmmmm.

ricky: That’s great. On XFM 104.9. That’s just some of the records--

steve: That we’ve played so far.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? You’ve had The Darkness, you had Bauhaus, it’s like, can it get any better, Karl, do you think?

karl: Like I say, we’ve got monkey news coming up.

ricky: Guess what? I lost four hundred quid cash this week.

steve: Gambling?

ricky: No. No. That’s why it gutted me.

steve: It wasn’t even on your gambling addiction?

ricky: No. I had, eh, I had a photo shoot, right, I had a suit and I claimed back some expenses and I had it in my pocket. And then when I took the suit home it must have fallen out in the street or the cab and I remembered it and I went every pocket twice and it was the just the fact, I don’t of it “Oh, that’s terrible. That’s a terrible blow.” I think “God, if I had it back now, it would be free money”.

steve: Yeah

ricky: “If I suddenly found it now I’d have four hundred pounds that was just free money”. And I had a little nap to get over it and I was--

steve: (laughing) And you were fine.

ricky: I was okay. But that’s

steve: Four hundred pounds...

ricky: Someone just found—what a gift that is. I mean, untraceable--

steve: Did it, was it in a money clip, was it rolled up in a money clip--

ricky: No. No it was just, literally, four hundred quid in an envelope and so that--

steve: (exhaling) That’s a treat.

ricky: I know. You see, I’d always hand it in. I genuinely would. Unless I found it in a f--, in the middle of a forest, or something. If it was in the street, do you know what I mean, though?

steve: (laughing) Because a bear dropped it.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah, but I mean if I found it in a pub or a cab, I’d just hand it to anyone who was in--

steve: (laughing) Or in a skip you were rummaging through.

ricky: (laughing) Exactly yeah. But would, I’d hand it in. But there’s no way they can do it. Goes to the police station, it sits there for six months

steve: Exactly. It’s a waste of time. Pocket it. But em, I, when I was younger I remember being outside of a post office once when I was about 10 or 12 and finding a purse and thinking “Oh that’s nice” and opening it up and there’s some money in there and a pension book and it was obviously an old lad. I found an address, I sent it to her and my mum said “You’ve been so good there you’ll probably get a little reward, she’ll probably send a little reward”. NOTHING! I got maybe a thank you note, but no cash, no moola, nothing and I was livid, because I’ve been told I’m going to get a reward, I thought “I’ve been a good Samiritan”, NOTHING!, soooo, many moons later when I’m at University, this is the most bizarre thing, it was like--

ricky: This explains a lot, doesn’t it, Karl?

steve: This is like the Marie Celeste. I went to a cash point but I thought “I can’t get my card in here”. So I realised there was already somebody’s card in the machine, they’d put the code in, but, um, but they-they-they-they disappeared, they’d been kidnapped, or something. So it was just there, waiting, sitting, saying “What do you want to do?” and it gave a number of options. I thought “Interesting”.

ricky: “Steal or go to heaven?”

steve: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: You went “Oh dear, um...”

steve: Um, I pressed ‘Balance’ just to check what their balance was.

ricky: Unbeliebable.

steve: It was a considerable sum of money. I’m not going to lie to you. It was not typical student debt. It was, like, I think they were a foreign student, there was a lot of cash in there.

ricky: Did you feel a slight bulge in your trousers when you saw the amount of money?

steve: I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought to myself “Now then, I could just take that card out and hand it in or I could teach them a small lesson--

ricky: Right

steve: And maybe give myself a reward because last time I did that I didn’t get a reward so if I give myself thirty pounds--

karl: Mmmmm--

steve: Then I’ll take the card out

ricky: 30!?

steve: Gave myself 30 pounds--

karl: Yeah--

ricky: You didn’t really?

steve: Well, I thought “That’s a good reward” and I went in and I handed the card in and I took--

ricky: Steve!?

steve: And that’s a little reward for me and I’ll tell you this, don’t think it’s evil because I went in and bought everyone a drink.--

ricky: (incredulously) Uh, well brilliant.

steve: Yeah. I didn’t tell them I got the money free..--

ricky: Well done. Excellent.

steve and ricky: So...

ricky: Probably gangsters are quite generous. With the money they’ve stolen from other people.

steve: Yes, but someone’s negligence, Rick, has lent that the, the thing is.--

ricky: Steve..I, I believe that except the buying people a drink, Karl, what do you think?

karl: Well I kind of thought that when he said it, but then I thought they’ll be buying one him back--

ricky: So in a way--?

karl: So in a way he’s still a winner

steve: Yeah. So everyone’s a winner, including the student because, frankly, if there’d been a less scrupulous person who’d found it they’d probably have helped themselves to a considerable sum--

ricky: I cannot believe you did that.

steve: There was thousands and thousands of pounds--

ricky: What if, what if it was, what it Beadle had jumped out and slapped you with his little claw and said “we’ve been filming this, Merchant”?

steve: So what?

ricky: How old were you then?

steve: Dunno, 19 or 20?

ricky: Would you do it again or was it just to get the world back for the old lady’s purse?

steve: Um.....possibly do it again, yeah.

ricky: (incredulously) You’re joking?

steve: Well, you’ve got to think of it this way, you’ve got to think of it as, there was a lot of money in there and someone less scrupulous than me would have taken a fortune. They have cleaned them out. Whereas I just took a small reward which I thought was more than enough for someone’e negligence and I’ve returned the card, they’ve got the card back, everything, fine. Think of someone else, I could have gone on a spending spree, all sorts--

ricky: Yeah but it wasn’t yours at all?

steve: Yes, but it’s, they probably would have given me a reward and because, you know, sometimes people forget, or don’t give you a reward I thought I should take it myself--

ricky: He had a go at your dad for nicking a loaf of bread out of a phonebox.

steve: Yeah, but that’s because it’s for old people, geriatrics and stuff--

karl: How do you know how old was your people you were robbing from?

steve: It’s a student—it was on a student campus.

karl: Mmmmm.

ricky: Well...

steve: I think it was more, I thought it was excellent behaviour. I thought it was good, honourable behaviour.

ricky: That’s incredible. That’s shown another side to him, hasn’t it?

steve: What would you have done, Karl, in that situation? And tell the truth.

karl: I might have helped myself a little bit.

ricky: (incredulously) Uh, uh!?!?

steve: There you are. There you are.

ricky: I don’t know what, this is helping yourself a bit

karl: No, but, like you say, just sort of, you know, send it him back and sort of say, you know--

ricky: If you find a pound coin in the street and you can be bothered to bend over for it, then have it, but someone’s cashpoint card or personal belongings--

karl: I’d let ‘em know, though, did you send it to them and say, I’ve, you know, I’ve, service charge included, I’ve sort of, took that out already--

steve: No, I gave, I handed it in to the--

karl: I’d say, you know, “you’re lucky here right, I just took”, I’d probably have 20, actually, because that’s one note--

steve: Sure--

ricky: Sorry, are you, right, okay, you are winding me up?

karl: No, no I’m not not. I mean, for once, I mean, I know what Steve’s like, he is tight, right--

ricky: Well...

karl: No, he is. And you know that, don’t you, Steve? I’m not--

steve: Financially, you mean?

karl: Well no. Just the way you are, you’re very sort of, you know--

steve: I’m careful--

karl: You’re not wasteful with your money--

steve: I’m careful--

steve: No, I’m not wasteful, absolutely right--

karl: No, no, but to the extreme--

steve: Not at all to the extreme, not at all to the extreme

karl: No, no, no, come on, come on now--

steve: Look after the pennies, the pounds will take care of themselves, alright, simple to remember, good advice.

karl: Yeah, but, the thing is, right, I know I take the mickey out of you for the way you look and stuff--

steve: Sure, and right back at you.

karl: But, the thing is, you can’t help that--

steve: Absolutely--

karl: But, I’ll tell you something women don’t like--

steve: Sure--

karl: and it’s fellas who are tight with their money--

steve: Sure. I’m not frugal with money with ladies, I’m frugal with money with you--

karl: Well, eh--

steve: I’ve got no reason to splash money out on you--

karl: I’ve never seen you splash money out--

steve: Well, you’ve never been out with me--

ricky: (laughing)Have you ever, Steve, have you ever splashed out on a lady?

steve: Um, no, but I hope to one day--

steve: The right lady--

ricky: (laughing) Play a record?

ricky: Blur – Out of Time on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Talking of money, Steve, look at this, right, it’s in the paper. A wife has had her beauty insured for £100,000 in case she grows ugly and her husband walks out. Eh, Nicole Jones, 26, of Chipping Sodbury Gloucestershire, says £200 a year, pays £200 a year for a policy. She arranged it as a present for her husband, Richard. Her beauty will be judged by a panel of builders. So......

steve: Have they been selected beforehand, do you think? Does she know who they are

ricky: I don’t know.

steve: I assume they’re complete strangers--

ricky: So, suppose in, like, in 30 years time he looks at her and goes “Oh, you’ve lost your looks” she goes “Well have I?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ”Yeah” she goes “Well have I? Call in the panel”. Some builders come in (does a bawdy wolf whistle) “Alright? Get ‘em out for the--”, “Well never mind that, it’s the—“ “Yeah, she’s lost it”. A hundred grand. A hundred grand coming your way--

steve: They stand on some scaffolding--

ricky: (laughing) Yeah--

steve: She walks by and if they wolf whistle--

ricky: That is amazing--

steve: Do you think they give her a quote first?

ricky: Yeah, what if they say “Actually , love, you got nothing to lose”? You’re not, you’re not, you’re not an oil painting anyway.

steve: We can’t come round and judge your beauty for at least a few weeks--

ricky: I mean, that is just open to abuse, isn’t it? A hundred thousand pounds....because I remember, em, in, in, Japan, they’re mad on golf, right, and if you get a hole in one you buy everyone, you throw a party. And it was costing them, like, thousands and thousands of pounds. So they were insuring themselves against getting a hole in one. And so, miraculously, everyone was going “I got a hole in one!”....”Did he?”....”Yeah”--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: Payin’ out insura--I mean, they could be in that together, couldn’t they? Spend—I’m sure they’re not. They’re probably more honest than you two that would take twenty quid out of a cashpoint. But, you know--

steve: No. 30--

ricky: (laughing) 30. Yeah. 30. But I like the wording, though...”A wife”--

steve: ”A wife.” The word ‘wife’.. 30--

ricky: The word ‘wife’--

steve: It’s a, I, dunno why it make—I find it such an odd word. “Hello, this is my wife”.--

ricky: “Hello, eh, the wife”--

steve: Yeah, ‘the wife’--

ricky: My wife

steve: It seems a word that you have to say if you’re 60--

ricky: Yeah, I know--

steve: ”Have you met the wife?”--

ricky: And even then ironically, unless some, eh eh, you don’t know exactly...”my wife is from” you know what I mean?--

steve: Yeah that makes sense but it’s ‘the wife’--

ricky: People do ”Oh, better get back, I’m meeting the wife for dinner”--

ricky: But especially when you know them--

steve: Yeah I remember bumping into someone, friends of mine, somewhere at a party, to a couple I knew, and I knew both of them before they got married. In fact, I’d known her, I think, longer. And I said “where’s so and so” and he went “Oh, the wife will be along in a minute”. And it’s this notion, that, use her name!--

ricky: (laughing) I know, I know who she is--

steve: I know who she is, I know her name--

ricky: (laughing) The wife, it’s like--

steve: What, I used to call her by that--

ricky: It’s like someone going “You know I’m married? You know I’m married?”--

steve: It’s like showing off--

ricky: “In this eyes of God, we are wed.”

steve: (laughing) Exactly--

ricky: “Yes, that makes me more of a grown up than you.”

steve: It’s that kind of, it’s the ownership, “you know I’m a real man. I’ve got a wife and her she is. My wife”--

ricky: I find it, it’s like, I find to say. In a shop, I can never ask for ‘wet ones’.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? If I have to go and ask for wet ones I won’t bother. Or toilet duck. Another one I have a problem with, that I never say: Snickers.

steve: (laughing) Why?

ricky: Dunno. I think it’s I grew up with Marathon.

steve: See, I still, this is so pathetic, I’m still embarrassed buying toilet paper.

ricky: Really?

steve: Whenever you go into, like, your 24 hour shop just around the corner, not a supermarket big shop, but if you just go in there and you’d be just buying some milk, a chocolate bar. It’s like, they know what you’re up to--

ricky: No--

steve: No, but they know you’re gonna use it to, you know, when you’re going to the lavatory at some point. Sort of, it’s too intimate--

ricky: But you could just go “I know what you’re thinking, I’ll be using this after masturbation” thus saving your embarrassment--

steve and ricky: Both laughing.

steve: It’s to go with the porn mag I bought--

ricky: From way back, on XFM 104.9, a retro cut.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Well, up to the modern day, the newest gameshow around: Rockbusters--

steve: Waheyyyyy. Isn’t there a jingle?

ricky: Probably summat like, “Oh, Rockbusters”. It would be very--

steve: (laughing) Along those lines

ricky: Yeah, along those lines, I haven’t worked, I gotta work it out but I mean, yeah, let’s go without it for now and then we’ll have one ready next week--

steve: (laughing) Excellent. The prizes, once again sourced by Karl Pilkington. I think it’s been, um, in the prize bag before, Karl, but good to see it back ‘The Best Air Guitar Album in the World Ever!’

ricky: (laughing) Do they keep sending it back, is that how it works. It comes through the window tied to a brick--

steve: (laughing) Actually there’s a lot of good stuff on there. The Kinks--

ricky: Knopfler? Is there Knopfler

steve: Knopfler I believe is on there--

ricky: Is Clapton anywhere to be seen?

steve: Definitely Clapton, I would have thought. Purple, Deep Purple. We got Quo, Skynrd, Mac, Snake, is there, Straits, excellent, and, eh, there’s all sorts on there, obviously--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This is always an odd choice, but fair enough. This is the current album by The Yardbirds. Their first studio album in 35 years.

steve: So the new music stage in XFM giving away that. I suppose it’s new music in some ways. Eh, a Smash Hits compilation. A-Ha, Kirsty Killed the Cats, all the old favourites, plus two DVDs, Columbo--

ricky: What Columbo?

steve: It’s got a couple of classic Columbo episodes there: ‘Suitable for Framing’--

ricky: One of the best, um, tv programs of all time

steve: Why do I get—you can always tell immediately who the villains are: Suitable for Framing. I’m assuming that’s some sort of art dealer. Maybe an artist.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ’Candidate for Crime’. I presume it’s some sort of Presidential or political candidate.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, no that’ll be good, I’m sure. Columbo, I mean--

ricky: ‘Stab Woman’. That was my favourite episode.

ricky: ‘Stab Lady Wife--

steve: I mean, to be fair I’m not sure why, who would buy a Columbo DVD ? Like you can’t find it on tv--

ricky: Or now. It’s on now.I guarantee. Someone could maybe email in. Is there an episode of Columbo on now anywhere, cable or digital. I think it will be.

steve: Almost certainly

ricky: But it is great.

steve: And the other DVD here is ‘Cruise of the Gods’ which is the one off tv kind of film, comedy film that was on at Christmas, featuring Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan

ricky: Brydon! Coogan! Walliams!

steve: So, eh, there’s a few gifts there, not, not, not bad, not bad at all.

ricky: Right, now we get to the real deal. Okay this is what everyone tunes in for. This and Monkey News, I’d think, not the music.

karl: Right, well here we go then. Three, um, cryptic clues and that--

ricky: Well, not really cryptic--

karl: Just work it out. Easy as that. Email in.

ricky: Yep. Email in. Well what’s the email address?

karl: [email protected]

ricky: Well don’t say it like no one will care.

karl: I think......yeah......so the first one, eh, he’s got American coins all down his spine, right?

steve and ricky: Both laughing.

karl: He’s got American coins all down his spine. What band’s that? What artist? Email in.

ricky: What does it begin with?

karl: What? N!

ricky: I know it. I’ve got it already

karl: Right.

ricky: That’s rubbish. Too easy. Yeah, go on. Next.

karl: Right. Second one. Jerermy Beadle’s got, uh, arthritis. Right. Jeremy Beadle has got arthritis.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That’s the second clue. The initials there: SLF. Right, SLF. Jeremy Beadle’s, eh, got a little bit of arthritis.

karl: And, eh, the third one ‘Foxy, Shipman and a country and western singer on a merry-go-round’. SD, right? So Foxy, Shipman and some country and western singer havin’ a go on a merry-go-round. The initial SD. Right?

karl: So email in. [email protected]

ricky: I’m intrigued with that one. I’m genuinely intrigued with that one--

steve: I like the fact there’s a whiff of controversy about it, because Shipman is mentioned.

ricky: (laughing) I know, yeah--

steve: Little bit edgy, that.

karl: So that’s the three--

ricky: He’s from your neck of the woods, innee, as well, Shipman?--

karl: I think me mam’s man used to use him--

ricky: (laughing) Okay, let’s play a record--

karl: ......well, d’ya wanna play a record, or some adverts. D’ya fancy some ads?

ricky: Well, I’d rather some adverts, yeah.

karl: I’ve got some for ya.

ricky: Placebo – This Picture, on XFM 104.9. Steve?

steve: Yes?

ricky: I think Karl’s going to put most people to shame. We were talking about generosity earlier. Karl is a nice, generous bloke when it really comes to it. He’s paying, for Father’s Day, he’s paying for the cottage that he’s going away with his dad.

steve: Are you really, Karl?

karl: Yep.

steve: Right. Well there’s no way of us proving if that’s true or not.

karl: Well what d’ya mean?

steve: Well, you could be lying.

karl: But, why would I do that?

steve: Well, because you want to show off.

karl: I didn’t do it on air, you mentioned it.

karl: I don’t want people to know how generous I am.

steve and ricky: Both laughing.

steve: Right.

karl: Just do it. Just get on with it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Like charity work and that.

ricky and steve and karl : Yeah

karl: Exactly.

ricky: But I’d have have thought you wouldn’t have fallen for Father’s Day. I’d have thought you’d have known it was, like--

karl: Well, we don’t. I mean, to be honest there’s a bit of a coincidence, because I’d paid for it anyway and it’s happened to fall on Father’s Day. Right.

ricky: But, but, Karl, don’t fall for it. Obviously that Mother’s Day and a plethora of other things. I mean, literally invented by card companies to make more money.

karl: I know.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That’s, that’s, eh, I mean, me dad always says don’t get him a card or anything. Em....’cos he hates it, all of these things that are just rip off times, just ripping people off.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sounds a bit stingy that, but fair enough.

karl: Well, no, no, I mean, he’s right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: He’s right. It is just a, because fellas aren’t bothered about getting cards anyway, are they? But the other thing that he noticed, em, you know, helping out the flower companies, the Princess Diana thing, when she--

ricky: Oh fu—Sorry--

karl: No no--

ricky: Jesus Chri-God.

steve: So when, yeah, so when--

ricky: Karl, wha’, wha’, what do you mean? What do you mean?

karl: That’s what he said. He said “Oh--

ricky: I nearly swore then, because you surprise me all the time--?

karl: No, I’m just--

ricky: But that is incredible--

steve: Sorry, what, I don’t understand what are you talking about--

karl: All the flowers that were sort of sold that day--

steve: Right. What, for people to leave as a commemoration or--

karl: Yeah, they made a, made a mint, didn’t they?

steve: Who did?

karl: Flower companies

steve: Right. So what are you saying?

ricky: So are you saying, are you saying-

karl: Just saying, you know, makes you wonder--

ricky: What, whether--

steve: About what?

ricky: It was Interflora behind the hit--

karl: Well...

steve: So it’s a conspiracy?

steve: It’s a conspiracy by the flower companies?

ricky: I would love to see you and your dad, just sitting at home watching a bit of Channel 5: When Apes Go Mental, right, with your roast dinner--

karl: When’s that on?

ricky: And then talk like “Well, you, you know who killed Diana, don’t you? Flower companies, son”. “Right, right, quite right dad, you’re not wrong”. What are you talking about?

karl: No, no, I’m not, I’m just saying, it’s like you were saying about the cards--

karl: You know, and Father’s Day and that--

steve: Convenient, is what you’re saying. Too much of a coincidence. Too much of a conincidence.

karl: I’d be interested to see who’s sort of, you know, like, the sort of business graph--

steve: Sure. Yeah.

karl: Then suddenly (makes whistling noise to imply increased sales).

steve: Yeah. But then, but then by the same token Elton John, you know, he had the biggest selling hit record off the back of that?

karl: Mmmm.

steve: I mean, so, is he incriminated as well?

karl: If you want, I mean--.

steve and ricky: Both laughing.

steve: It’s a conspiracy theory you’ve not kind of analysed terribly closely, you’ve put it out there, if people maybe who are investigating want to kind of add that in to their enquiries then they can?

karl: Yeah

steve: Sure.

karl: No, that’s, that’s all I’m saying, I’m just, you know, because it’s always the same thing, innit? Like I was out shopping the other day, eh, you know, treating Suzanne, like I do.

karl: You know, I like, I like spending money and that--

steve and ricky: Yeah.

karl: I was in WH Smiths --

ricky: Ohhh, classy. Was it a big birthday? Was it her 30th?

karl: No, I was, I was getting a --

steve: Was it two biros for the price of one?

karl: I was, I was getting a card for me dad for Father’s Day initially, ‘cos I’m seeing him--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Big Toblerone--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who is, who is it who said “Father’s day, he’d love a Toblerone”?--

ricky: I’ve never understood Toblerone. Because the only time I’ve seen Toblerone is in airports--

karl: Yeah--

ricky: Right? And minibars--

steve: (‘’laughing’’) Mmmmm.

ricky: That is what the, the, the, the small Toblerone is for the minibar in a hotel, 3 star upwards--

steve: Mmmmm.

ricky: And the big Toberlone--

steve: Well it’s the big Toblerone is the gift, isn’t it? It can only be a gift, can’t it? You wouldn’t buy a big Toblerone for yourself?

ricky: Yeah. Duty Free Gift. The Toblerone: it’s next to, um, you know, Chanel No.5, Toblerone and a bear--

steve: (‘’laughing’’) It’s, who specifically would you be buying that Toblerone for?

ricky: I don’t know.

steve: Someone who’s clearly never had it before and would think it was an interesting novelty.

ricky: Well yeah--

steve: This gift’s interesting--

ricky: I’ll tell you what, though, Toblerone is brilliant! I mean, if, if, whoever makes that, if they want to send some, you know, Toblerones, you know, I will, I will eat Toblerone.

steve: Well, yeah, I feel very much the same about fags, cigarettes. If you’ve got any boxes of cigarettes, that you don’t want, you know, duty free or whatever, you know, send them--

ricky: I’d just like to say that in no way do I endorse Karl’s dad’s theory that flower companies were behind the death of Diana--.

karl: No--

ricky: Maybe I could say that on air as well, just to save any complaints--.

karl: I’ll tell you what, though, talking about fag packets and that. Do you know how like now they got, eh--

karl: They’ve got, they’ve got, “if you have these they’ll do you in” sort of thing, on the front now, they’ve got these special stickers on them

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Saw a thing in a magazine the other day, in Brazil--

karl: It’s got, like, pictures of ill people on them.

steve: Blimey. That is tough.

karl: It’s gone, eh, really hardcore over there.

ricky: That’s good, innit?

steve: But I mean, to be fair, what more can they do? I mean there are fag packets now that say “These will kill you” and people are still smoking them. I don’t what they, I don’t think the message is getting through.

ricky: Well you could ban them altogether, I suppose. If they’re...it’s seems weird to sort like, if they sell guns and say “Careful, you can kill people with these”. Well, ban them then. “Nahh, just be careful. You’ll have her eye out with that.” Poison. It’s, eh, really, really mental poison drugs--

steve: You know those people that, you see them on the street, they’re selling fags duty free, obviously, and they’re just selling them on the street. Have you ever seen these--

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: I walk down Finchley Road a lot because it’s near my place and all the people there, they’re sort of, eh, looking a bit shifty, and then they just, they think that you’re maybe a smoker. They just, you know, fags in their jacket and it’ll literally be like something from the 1940s--

karl: They won’t go up to you, though, would they?

karl and ricky: Smoking stunts your growth.

ricky: They know you must never have had a fag in your life--

steve: Um, but you know, buy ‘em as a gift or something because I’m quite a generous guy.--

steve: But it’s so, I was telling my friend about, you know, it seems to me there are certain people that are very, maybe they have trouble getting work or, you know, they’re immigrants that have not landed on their feet and they’ve had trouble, you know and there’s a couple of jobs they can do. It seems that there’s the fag selling, there’s those people I notice on Oxford Street who bend a piece of wire into the shape of your name.--

steve: What kind of a gift is that, really? You know what I mean?

ricky: I know.

steve: It’s like they’re literally giving them out, or you can have the bending the name, you can have the selling those things that you throw at the wall and they slither down--

ricky: Dover.

steve: Yeah--

ricky: ”What are you doing?” “I’m a trained carpenter”.

steve: “Right. Can you write really small on a piece of rice?”

ricky: “I could try”.

steve: “You can write people’s names on a piece of rice?”

ricky: “I could try”.

steve: “It’s quite tricky, but if you could do it”--

ricky: “What about the rest of your family? Well that one’s only two, but he could be trained, he’s got smaller fingers”.

steve: “Okay. Do you want to sell some knocked off perfume? How about that?”

ricky: Again, we’d like to apologise for any inferred racism, suggestion that Lady Diana was killed by flower companies, or that Steve makes a habit of stealing from cashpoints.

karl: What about?--

ricky: XFM, 104.9--

karl: a picture of Rick Waller on the front of the bargain bucket?

ricky: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Universally Speaking on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and, of course, Karl Pilkington. Now, people come up to me and they say “Is Karl for real?” and I say “What do you mean?” They want to say “Is he that stupid?” and the answer is yes, right. Some people think that he’s putting it on, some people think he’s a character that we’ve invented, like we’ve gotten an actor in, like he’s a Gareth Keenan or a Tim or something--

steve: That he’s scripted--

ricky: Exactly, yeah. No, he’s absolutely real, aren’t you, Karl? And they go “where has he come from?” and just to tell the story, we came here and I was much too important to run the desk myself this time around so they just gave us a tea boy--

karl: Steve came in with you, I remember that.

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Yeah, yeah. Why do you remember that?

karl: Well, eh, Steve know, I don’t want to keep going over it, but it’s just the way he looks.

steve: Sure--

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Were you taken aback?

karl: A little bit.

ricky: Yeah, so, um, and, uh, he’s just developed into my favourite thing. I always say you get bored with, like, you know, battling tops or, you know, pets sometimes. I mean, I love my cat, but, you know, he’s not as, Colin Cat

karl: Colin.

steve: Actually, Karl’s away next week, is he available to run the desk?

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Well he’s actually not as intelligent as Karl and that’s the truth. He’s not--

steve: Well, marginally--

ricky: Yeah, but, um, in the week he’s like one of those Tomagotchi toys, Karl, because I have to phone him every day and keep his interest up--

steve: Yeah

ricky: Like I’d give him an interesting fact. I got a book out and I found a fact and thought I’ll give Karl a call about that and I thought this was a great fact, right, a two day old gazelle can run faster than a racehorse, right? I thought that was incredible.

steve: Yeah

ricky: So I phoned him up and said a two day old gazelle can run faster than a racehorse. He went “what’s it do after that?” I went “what?” he said “well how fast can it run when it’s adult” and I went “well even faster” he went “Oh, I thought it could just do it then but then sort of lost it” I went “what are you talking about?” I went “that’s incredible, a two day old gazelle can run faster than a racehorse” he went “well no, that’s what they do” I went “what” he went “that’s what they do, isn’t it?” I went “what do you mean, it’s two days old” he went ”yeah, but a 1 day old fly can fly, I’m 30 and I can’t fly, it’s not what I do” and I went “right” and he went “a jellyfish can hold its breath underwater for hours” I went “It doesn’t hold its breath, does it? It hasn’t got lungs” he went “what?”. I knew I had him. I went “they don’t breath, do they?” he went what “what do they do” I went “well they get oxygen directly from the water via osmosis straight into their cells” and he just went quiet and I went “a two day old gazelle” and he went “yeah” do you know what I mean--

steve: He’s just thinking about the jellyfish.

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know--

steve: He’s looking up osmosis and then he’s thinking about the jellyfish.

ricky: But I just think, if Bambi’s anything to go by, this little gazelle spends the whole day trying to stand and the next day it enters the derby, and you don’t think that’s incredible?

karl: You see, you know the kinds of things I find incredible--

steve: Mirrors.

steve: Shiny objects.

ricky: Kettles.

karl: Well, listen, remember the time I told you about the baby that had a baby--

steve: The baby that had a baby.

karl: The baby that had a baby . It’s happened again--

ricky: No it hasn’t.

steve: Well it didn’t happen the first time

karl: It was in the papers, I think, on Monday, in all the tabloids--

ricky: So it’s a twin where one has grown and the other one is still at foetal level.

karl: No, it wasn’t though, it had grown. He was saying to his mam--

ricky: Who was saying to its mam?

karl: The little kid who’s seven years old--

ricky: He?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And he? He was pregnant?

karl: I know.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: And he was saying to his mam “Oh, I don’t feel well. And like his belly was all swollen and they thought he’d just been eating cake or whatever and he was saying “I can feel something moving about” and they were “Right, stop messing about there’s nowt wrong with you.” Eventually I think he was in gym in school--

ricky: In Jim? What, Jim was pregnant with him? Like a Russian doll?

karl: He was at school, right, just about to do sit ups, or whatever they do at school--

ricky: Yeah. (‘’unintelligible’’) across the room.

karl: And the teacher goes “you’re a bit fat”--

ricky: “You look a bit pregnant”.

karl: “And, eh, best take you to the doctors”. Took him, said to him “you’re seven years pregnant or something like that”--

ricky: What are you talking about?--

steve: What do you mean? “Or somethingthing like that”?

ricky: You’re seven years pregnant--

steve: “Or somethingthing like that”?

ricky: Said the doctor. Karl, why don’t you think about what you say before you say it?

karl: See. See the reaction I get. Now the gazelle, I didn’t get excited like that.

ricky: Seven years pregnant

karl: Send it in. If someone’s online at the moment, just having a look around it’ll be on, it happened Monday or Tuesday. Because I told you at the pub quiz, didn’t I, Steve? I said to you “another baby’s had a baby”.

steve: I......yeah.

karl: And you were like “Yeah, whatever”.

steve: Well I just thought you were talking nonsense as ever.

karl: We’ll find out, won’t we?

ricky: Seven years pregnant--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You’re a fool. Play a record--

karl: Well we’ve still got stuff coming up.

ricky: Monkey News?

karl: Rockbusters answers. We’ll have to get that out of the way soon, cos--

ricky: Have we got a cheeky freak of the week?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant.

ricky: America, by Simon and Garfunkel, on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais and I understand I’m about to eat my words, Steve?

steve: Well once again, there’s always someone and it looks like it’s Mike Lamb who has come to Karl’s rescue.

ricky: Lambo’s let me down, then?

steve: Doctors have removed a 4lb baby boy from the stomach of his 7 year old twin brother.

ricky: Well, yeah, twin brother?

steve: Alamjan Nematilaev was born with the freak foetus growing inside him. For seven years it lived like a parasite until a school doctor became alarmed by Alamjan’s budging tummy and took him to hospital. Surgeons who gave him a scan operated immediately unaware that the baby was attached to the boy’s blood vessels and still alive. They saved Alamjan from certain death but knew the 8 inch foetus was doomed. So there we are. ‘Boy Pregnant With His Own Twin Brother’ by Barbara Davis. That was in the Mirror, apparently. So I’ve read on, all the facts are right. They take him to school, the parents didn’t realise.?

karl: And that isn’t even this week’s freak of the week.

steve: I mean, that’s still to come.

karl: You’ve got that. You can have that.

ricky: That’s the free freak of the week. That’s a giveaway. That’s like 13.5% extra--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean? That you might get with hairspray, or something. So that, I mean if that’s just the throwaway freak of the week; there’s two freaks of the weeks there. If those two are free I can’t wait to see what the actual freak of the week is, that people are paying for. Is it incredible, Karl?

karl: I tell you something else you can have for free--.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Another sort of freaky thing, right, I was watching this, eh, program in the week-.

ricky: What?

karl: Eh...I dunno what it was--

steve and ricky: Both laughing.

karl: But it was about, eh, I just saw this little fella on it--

ricky: What do you mean, little fella?

karl: He was doing this sort of history thing, right--

ricky: Oh!? Yeah, I know what you mean, I saw it. Is this he’s found out a Viking is a bit like him?

karl: Yeah, that’s it, yeah.

ricky: He was Boneless or something, or he--?

karl: Well that’s the weird thing. What d’ya think of that, Steve?

steve: He’s what? He’s boneless?.

ricky: No, he was called Harry the Boneless or summat--?

karl: Yeah, but you know what you’re gonna get there, don’t you?

karl: That’s what I mean. Always have a name that-an elephant man, you know, Harry the Boneless. “Where is he” you know what I mean?

ricky: “I’m meeting someone, waiter” “What’s his name?” “He’s called Harry the Boneless” “He’s over there flapping around --?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: “He’s over there in the bucket eating noodles”

karl: That’s what I mean. BUT, do you reckon you could do that? Do you reckon you could have your bones taken out?

ricky: (‘’screeching with laughter’’) Ha ha ha, I love talking to him! It’s brilliant. It’s like talking to a 5 year old.

karl: No, I was asking Suzanne when she was watching it and she was like “Ask me later”.

ricky: Yeah. Brilliant.

karl: The things she wanted to know about, you know--

ricky: You said you were watching a program about history, about Vikings, and you turned to your girlfriend and said “do you reckon you could have your bones taken out?” I love that. That is why you are my favourite thing.

steve: What do you mean you could have your bones taken out? Firstly why would you have your bones taken out?--

karl: If you’ve only got a small flat, or something and there isn’t much room, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And what I mean is, would all your organs still do their stuff?

ricky: (laughing) No, they wouldn’t.

steve: No, you’d just be mush.

ricky: Listen, I’ll teach you something now, right. The skeleton: SPAM: Support, Movement, Anchorage, no, Support, Protection, Anchorage, Movement: SPAM. That’s what the bones do, yeah? You couldn’t stand up, you wouldn’t be protected, ‘cos they protect; ribcage, skull, of course. Anchorage: everything holds on to, every muscle is tethered to pull against something like a crane, a pulley system, so you wouldn’t be able to move at all. So you’d be in a bucket. You’d die immediately, obviously. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR BONES TAKEN OUT, KARL. I mean, why do you need to ask that question?

steve: Sorry, but Boneless Bob, or whatever his name was--

karl: Harry--

steve: Harry the Boneless. He presumably didn’t have any bones, I mean that’s why he had that name, obviously--

ricky: No, he did!

steve: No, but he’s got the name--

ricky: Yeah, exactly No he was just--!

steve: I’ve had an email here from Graham: “I had a dream about Karl last night, can I sue? I’ve no idea what he looks like, apart from the baldness, yet he turns up in the middle of my dream. I don’t need this, it’s harassment”. But people are having dreams about you now, Karl. It’s like something that was created by the Brothers Grimm.

ricky: I’ve got, I had a dream. You know, um, people used to have anxiety dreams, they have like an exam or summat, like, you suddenly go to school and realised “Oh my God” you didn’t have, em, eh, your trousers on. I had this anxiety dream. I assume, it started off like an anxiety dream about The Office, about filming The Office. And we had to, we had to film in HMV but someone hadn’t cleared it and so we had to find an Our Price And I went “Oh, that’ll do”. And as I was walking there, right, I didn’t have any shoes on, which is like an anxiety dream but I looked down and I went “So what?”--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I’m so lazy anxiety dreams don’t kick in to me.

steve: I’m not sure that’s true. I think that’s just a memory.

steve: I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you, eh--

ricky: Turned up filming The Office--

steve: With no shoes.

ricky: We won’t need shoes.

steve: When we were originally doing the pilot for the very first series. Obviously Ricky’s the main character, he’s in it all the time. This is our big chance to get something made, it could launch our careers and, em, I turn up on the Monday, he’s twisted his ankle. He has to be wheeled around in a wheelchair, because he went out jogging, stepped on a tin can in the street and fell over.

ricky: Who left that there?

steve: Like a 40 year old man with brittle bone disease he’s twisted his ankle and he was out of action. It was pathetic.

ricky: Yeah, that was the pilot--

steve: Absolutely pathetic.

ricky: But I still turned up, Karl. That’s the sort of trooper I am.

steve: Well, you moaned all week.

ricky: It hurt. I didn’t like having to go around in a wheelchair, did I? It’s not pleasant. But in a weird way it taught me all the problems.

steve: Do you have anxiety dreams, Karl? Do you lie awake worrying about stuff?

karl: Eh, ‘cos I have a lot going on in me head, I’ve very, I don’t--

steve: Mmmmm.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What do you do, rent it out to people?

ricky: Is it two monkeys swinging in a tyre at the moment?

steve: Yeah.

karl: I just don’t have that many dreams--

steve: No.

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) I love that. I love the fact you don’t have that many dreams. Well you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since you were 14, according to you.

karl: 12.

ricky: Really??

karl: Yeah, so, I remember--

ricky: I know what you meant, I know what you mean, though now. When sometimes you’re so tired, because I’d forgotten that. You’re so tired and you think “I’m so glad I don’t have to go out tonight I’m going to just lay on the couch and then go to bed. Yeah.

karl: Have you had one, Steve? An anxiety dream?

steve: Anxiety dreams? I do have them periodically, yeah. Used to be a lot of things like running to get to school on time, but suddenly your feet are running in treacle and you can her the school bell--

ricky: I haven’t had them for years. I just haven’t had an anxiety dream for years and years and years. Yeah, dunno. Don’t care.

steve: Well no, you just genuinely don’t care about anything this is the problem. You’ve just got to a point now where nothing bothers you. It’s like you’re too lazy and disinterested in anything: this show; your career; my career; Karl’s--

ricky: No, I’d never give up on Karl. So, um, Karl, this little Harry the Boneless, what was your point? Was that really your point? You wondered if you could live without bones?

karl: Yeah, I saw the little fella on this program--

ricky: The presenter?

karl: Yeah, he was a small fella and he was talking about Harry the Boneless and I thought “that’s an interesting little bit of science stuff.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, that’s about it on him, really.

steve: (‘’laughing’’) Alright, well that’s just another boneless Cheeky Freak of the Week, is it?

ricky: And that’s not even the Freak of the Week either?

karl: No no no.

ricky: So you’ve had a pregnant Siamese twin?

karl: I know. It’s been mad Mad in the freak world.

ricky: You’ve had a boneless fella and another fella talking about him. They’re not even involved in Freak of the Week. This is getting mad, play a record.

steve: Let’s play a record. Let’s have Cheeky Freak of the Week afterwards, shall we?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Current single from Nick Cave--

karl: Can we do Monkey News first.

steve: I’d rather have Cheeky Freak of the Week

steve: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - 'He Wants you--

ricky: Brilliant--

steve: XFM--

ricky: Yeah. So, Karl, off you go.--

karl: Well, we’re not gonna do, eh, Freak of the Week here--

steve: Right--

karl: Because we’ve done quite a bit of that over the last 20 minutes--

steve: We’ve OD’d on freaks, do you think?

karl: Yeah--

steve: Sure--

karl: Just shift it a little bit. Like I keep saying I don’t want people to be thinking we’re, sort of taking the mick out of anyone--

steve: No--

karl: Right, because we’re not about that. I feel, like that I can do a little bit of it because I work with you, Steve.

steve: Sure--

karl: It gives me that right--

steve: It’s like a care worker. Yeah, I understand.

karl: It’s like that thing of ‘I can’t be homophobic because I’ve got a couple of gay mates and stuff--

steve: Sure, sure.

karl: I think it gives me that edge, right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So you’re not freakaphobic, ‘cos you work with Steve?

karl: Yeah, that’s right, yeah. So, eh, yeah--

steve: Okay, by that token I should be able to, you know, sort of slag off the mentally ill. At least mentally handicapped.

ricky: (‘’laughing ‘’) Now there’s a term you don’t hear very often. In 2003, the mentally handicapped

steve: The mentally handicapped. Is that what it was?

ricky: Oh, I don’t know where to start. I’d like to apologise for the lady Diana stuff, the mentally handicapped stuff and, um, any inadvertent racism, that we may have stumbled upon.

steve: What’s the actual term then?

steve: Is it retarded?

karl: Right, come on now--

ricky: Ooooh, Chimpanzee that! Monkey News. Earlier than usual!.

karl: I might have to save this link now. Monkey News. We’ve done a lot of stuff, right, about monkeys. Em, and most is it, has been--

ricky: Is bollocks.

karl: No, it’s been, it’s been, like, happy stories.

ricky: Oh, is this going to be like Our Tune? Our MONKEY Tune. “Hi, I’m Simon Bates and welcome to Our MONKEY Tune.

karl: No, but do you know what I mean, like, we’ve done some about a monkey that robbed a bank--

ricky: Yeah. Why’s that happy?

karl: He had a great life after that.

ricky: What, in Marbella?

karl: Yeah. Alright, we did, eh, the one who saved someone’s handbag in the railway station

ricky: We’ve had a lovely marriage, a couple of marriages.

karl: A couple of marriages--

steve: A couple of monkey marriages.

karl: There was the one who got a job in a railway station--

ricky: Yeah. The hairdresser.

karl: The one who set up a business in Spain--

ricky: I don’t even remember that one--

steve: I don’t remember that one either.

ricky: I’m willing to believe that that happened. Go on, Karl--

karl: But anyway, yeah, so today’s isn’t that happy really. It’s about some monkey, I think it was a chimp--

ricky: It was an ape. Go on.

karl: It tried to, I mean the story starts off with sort of a weird thing. Something about, he went to Russia to do some business.

ricky: (‘’screeching with laughter’’) What are you talking about, Karl? I don’t--

karl: It jumped past that bit, though, it didn’t start there--

ricky: What are you--

karl: Do you know what I mean. It didn’t say what he was doing, it just said “There was this monkey, went to Russia, eh--

steve: To do some business.

ricky: I know.

karl: some stuff, monkey business and, eh, anyway, didn’t work out--

ricky: They were furious. “We wanted a surgeon, you send us a monkey”--

karl: eh, anyway, ended up being homeless--

steve: Oh.

ricky: You’re joking--

steve: Taken a turn for the worse.

ricky: Couldn’t even get into a, you know, like a tree hostel, or anything like that?

karl: That’s, that’s, that’s the problem--

ricky: Oh God--

karl: And, eh, ended up homeless. Got in with some, eh, tramps, --

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) I don’t know where to start--

steve: Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

karl: Yeah, so he’s knocking about with some tramps and stuff, you know, sharing drink and what have you around a little fire. They broke into some home, like sort of squatted--

steve: Right, so it’s not homeless any more.

karl: Problem was, yeah he had a roof over little hairy head, and he goes “This is good. We’re having a good time. This is sorting me out” He had his mates.

steve: Yeah. Said it in Russian then?

ricky: But what was he eating?

karl: Dunno, it didn’t say. But they’re in this house--

ricky: Well, he can only be eating sort of like, fruit, nuts, vegetabes. I mean, they classically don’t eat sort of pork pies and --

steve: But they’ve got McDonalds in Moscow now.

ricky: Sure.

steve: He’d probably chow down on that.

ricky: Sure. Yeah.

karl: Anyway there was a bust. There was a bust in the flat that they were squatting in. All the other tramps sort of knew what was going on, legged it. Left little chimp sat there. Got arrested. And they thought it was a real fella, at first. They were like, get him. He’s obviously just a scruffy bloke who hasn’t had a shave and stuff--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Hasn’t shaved his back for a while--

steve: Or his face--

steve: Or his head--

ricky: Yeah--

karl: Got him down the station and the boss was like “What’s going on here. You’ve got a monkey here” he was like “What?” so he arrested the monkey.

ricky: So, the, eh, arresting officers hadn’t noticed all the way to the station that he kept slipping out of the handcuffs and was going (‘’makes monkey noise’’) for the entire journey? They didn’t notice until they got there? What, did they put a hood over his head maybe and just like, you know--

karl: I don’t know. I’ll give you the story if you want. There’s the headline.

ricky: What is it? What’s the headline, Steve? Hold on ‘til I see it--

steve: The headline is once again from supposedly reputable news organisation, Annanova, the headline: “Homeless monkey arrested in Russia”.

ricky: Did, sorry, did you read on or did you see the headline and make up that whole story?

karl: Most of it is there.

ricky: What isn’t there? What, what bit isn’t there then?

karl: Eh, no I think, Steve can have a look over it, check it out and stuff--

ricky: Point out the embellishment for me, Steve, will ya?

steve: Well, what it doesn’t say is that the police didn’t realise it was a monkey--

ricky: That’s what I was guessing. That’s what I was guessing, really. That they got it back and said “Oh, we’ve got a monkey here” “Ja, ja, oh God”--

karl: There’s some more monkey problems in the week. Have you seen the Halfords adverts with monkeys in?

ricky: No.

karl: There’s a new ad out for Halfords, selling bikes and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Got some monkeys in it, caused an uproar.

ricky: Why?

karl: People saying it’s, eh, you know, dressing them up in tracksuits and that is, eh--

ricky: Taking the mickey out of Manchester?

karl: You know, it’s not nice for the animals and that. So there’s been loads of complaints about it--

steve: But they get a free bike, do they, I imagine?

karl: I think they kept the tracksuits.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Play a record. After this Cheeky Freak of the Week?

karl: No, I’m just saying, we’re not doing this to, sort of, again, take the mickey out of the animals. There are true stories and that. But yeah, coming next Cheeky Freak of the Week.

ricky: Kings of Leon – Red Morning Light on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and little Karl Pilkington. It’s getting exciting because it’s time of the week where he gets to talk about the Cheeky Freak of the Week.

karl: Well, we’ll just get Rockbusters out of the way, right, ‘cos I’ve got to put these prizes in the postbag now ‘cos I’m shooting off.

ricky: Yeah, because you’ve got to go early. So, I don’t know how you do your job. You went to Manchester, you went to Madeira, you had a day off ‘cos your trousers were wet and you had a cold and now you’re shooting down to Cornwall. You’re leaving early. How do you get your work done? You’ve got one job, me and Steve have got loads of things to do--

karl: I’m fast at me work, like I said. I’ve got the prizes ready and packed up. No one’s being affected by me shooting off early. Alright?

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Okay.

karl: So, Rockbusters answers, gotta get them out of the way a bit earlier, right. So, here they are. First one: he’s got American coins all the way down his spine--

ricky: Yeah-

karl: Why would that be, right?--

karl: Initial was N--

ricky: Nickelback-

karl: Nickelback-

ricky: I got all these this week.

karl: Second one:: Jeremy Beadle has got arthritis, what’s going on there?--

ricky: Stiff Little Fingers.

karl: SLF: Stiff Little Fingers.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Third one: Foxy, Shipman and, eh--

ricky: No. And a country and western singer, you said. Now, what’s the initial?

karl: SD

ricky: Yeah. So, Spin Doctors. Yeah. I got that. But I said to you “why’s it a country and western singer?” and you said “Dr. Hook”. Why is it Dr. Hook? Why does that give anyone the clue Dr. Hook. A country and western singer.

karl: It’s just what, what was in me mind when I came up with it--

steve: Well there we are--

ricky: There you go. So is it, we’ll change this to Rockbusters or What am I thinking? You could have had Dre--

steve: What’s in my mind? You could have had ‘And the medics’

steve: Alright? Just think it through.

karl: Who’s the winner?

steve: The winner, very lucky, Sandra Cassidy of Leigh on Sea. She gets all of those great prizes. You know we’ve actually had people emailing in saying “This is the worst Rockbusters ever” ‘cos it was too easy, it was boring--

ricky: Ohhhhhhhhh--

steve: Don’t shoot the messenger--

ricky: Oh dear--

steve: Other people saying, um, it really has run its course. Some people genuinely agree--

ricky: Ohhhhhhhhh, Karl, this must hurt, mate?

steve: Stinging attacks on you. Some people just slagging you off generally saying you’re always whingeing--

ricky: Ohhhhhhhhh God, looks like Steve was right when he poo poos your ideas, when he wees on your bonfire--

steve: Someone else emailed in and said don’t bother sending me the prizes. Take them to a charity shop or pawn them and give me the money, I’d rather have it. So I don’t know what to say, Karl. I just wonder if it really has run its course now?

karl: Alright, well we’ll see what you come up with next week. Let’s see what you do, see what you come in with.

steve: Sure--

karl: At five to one.

karl: I’m guessing you’ll be popping in with another hip hop track--

ricky: Yeah--

karl: Full of ‘effin’ and jeffin’--

steve: Well, no, I won’t bring it in to you, I’ll do it myself at home, because obviously you can’t cope--

ricky: Oh dear--

steve: Are you actually gonna be here next week or are you still going to be in Cornwall?

karl: No, you see there again, I’ll be back,I’ll be back in time--

karl: And in the week, when I go to, you know, Cornwall, see the Monkey World--

steve: Yeah, you’re two day pass to Monkey World.

karl: That’s still work. That’s still work --

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ”That’s still work”? What, looking at monkeys--

steve: What? Are you going to interview some of the monkeys? Get some stories .

ricky: I love that. I love that. You’ll be going “Can a monkey live without bones” and someone will be going “Karl, shut the f--- up. Please, just look at the monkeys and eat your ice cream. And that’s work, is it?

karl: Alright--

ricky: Right, are we having Cheeky Freak of the Week?

karl: D’ya wanna do it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What time have you got to shoot off?

karl: Well I could do with shooting off, sort of, soonish--

steve: Okay--

karl: To be honest--

steve: (‘’laughing’’) This is not radio. Have you ever heard that on a radio show? Chris Tarrant saying “I’ve got to shoot off”.

steve: “I couldn’t get a later train”.

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) I know. Why didn’t you get a later train?

karl: There is none--

ricky: There is none. There is no later train. So I couldn’t get to Cornwall tonight, if I had to. If I had to finish this show I couldn’t possibly get to Cornwall?

steve: Rubbish. Of course there’s a later train.

karl: Well, I’ve booked it now anyway.

steve: Well that’s the point, isn’t it? You’ve not thought it through.

karl: Whatever, whatever. I don’t think the show has lost anything. I think we’ve still had the, you know, Freak of the Week’s coming up now.

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Ohhh, Cheeky Freak of the Week.

karl: Right, well, eh, we’ve had some interesting things we’ve been looking at--

karl: This week, it’s about the strangest couple that ever got married--

ricky: And we’ve had two sets of chimps, so it’s stranger than that. It’s not Dale Winton and Nell McAndrew, is it?

steve: It’s not your parents, is it?

karl: Well we’re going back again to about, I think this is about, eh, 19, eh-- 1940--

steve: Something like that

ricky: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Not important?

karl: 1940. Strangest couple: fella, he had skin of a lizard--

steve: Skin of a lizard. Okay.

karl: And the woman, who he married--

ricky: Which he used as a condom.

karl: The woman, who he married: hairiest woman ever.

steve: Right.

karl: Em, and that was their act. They used to tour the world and they said like, you know, “here’s a couple who have met. They’re having a great life. Let’s get them out on stage, here they are.”

ricky: What do you mean he had the skin of a lizard, first of all?

karl: That’s what they said. He had some sort of, some sort of illness.

ricky: So he was called Lizard Man and you liked that, because thought that’s a good decription?

karl: I thought “that’s good”.

ricky: ”Hello, we’ve booked a table for two” “Who are you meeting?” “I’m meeting Lizard Man” “Oh, he’s over there”--

karl: Yeah--

ricky: You know who he is, right.

steve: Yeah--

ricky: ”Meeting the hairiest woman in the world”. “She’s over there”.

karl: Yeah--

ricky: Yeah. So what did they do for their act?

karl: Ehhhhh--

steve: Now bear in mind that we had some Siamese twins last week and their act was having a bath--

ricky: (‘’laughing’’) Yeah, yeah--

steve: So I hope it’s an improvement on that.

ricky: Lizard Man. He came out and ate some flies, did he?

karl: I don’t really know, I think they just stood there and that--

ricky: Yeah, but, what, when you read this and it goes “the most interesting fact ever, Lizard Man” you go “That’s enough. I can extrapolate from that.”

karl: But straight away I start thinking, I’m thinking “right, I wonder if they got their wedding photos?

karl: Right, and then, like, it said they had a kid--

ricky: Oh, I wodner what that would be like. Half lizard, half ostrich, it’d be like--

karl: That’s what I was thinking--

ricky: What did you think it’d come out like, the baby?

karl: I didn’t think what that looked like, I was just thinking “Ohhh, parents’ evening.”

steve: You wouldn’t want them coming up to the school, would you?

ricky: So little Johnny, who starts off relatively normal, he’s quite good, he’s good at nature, isn’t he? And his mum and dad come into the room and they’d be looking around, wouldn’t they?

karl: Well, it’s always like that thing at school when you find out, like, your mate’s mam and dad are really old.

steve: Right. Sure.

karl: Have you seen that?”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: When you go “Your gran and granddad brought you?”

karl: ”No, that’s me dad” and you go “Ohhh”

steve: It is weird.

ricky: What’s that, when you’re talking about, he calls him mum [‘’inaudiable’’]

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: No, that’s always strange. If you had, you know, if you had Godzilla and King Kong as your parents then

ricky: Yeah, they’re always fighting

steve: They’re always fighting and like you say, you’re in a school play or something, you wouldn’t tell ‘em, would you? You wouldn’t want them coming up with the video camera--

ricky: He didn’t tell his parents he was in a--

steve: Well exactly--

ricky: You did Little Donkey and you didn’t tell your dad, did you, and he came along and videoed it?

karl: Yeah, kept it quiet, didn’t want him to know anything.

ricky: What was it you was meant to be playing? You had a little drum, didn’t you?

karl: Yeah, I was doing, I had a little drum, I was meant to be playing We Three Kings, but, eh, they started doing Little Donkey and I thought “I can add a touch to this”.

steve: Sure, you improvised.

ricky: It was like the first remix, wasn’t it?

karl: It went down well. But that’s all I was thinking with, eh, the Freak of the Week this week. That’s what I’m saying about Freak of the Week, it’s to get people thinking, right. Thinking how lucky they are that, you know, they don’t have to comb their face.

ricky and steve: Both laughing.

ricky: What are you talking about? What do you mean, Freak of the Week is to let people know how lucky they are?

karl: Just--

ricky: What about the little freak you’re talking about? What are they thinking? They go “Oh, he’s talking about me. I’m a hairy lizard man, on a stick.

karl: Pop in. Give us a call. You know, that’s what I’d like to do on a tv program, that’s what I want to. I want to go and, like, meet these people and say “Right, let’s just go shopping, let’s, we’ll film what your normal day’s like”.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Let’s pop out., pop into Sainsbury’s or whatever--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Eh, buy a comb--

ricky: You could park right up close to it.

karl: You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah. So what you’re saying is, you just want to get a little message out there which is that there’s always someone worse off than you.

karl: Well there’s proof of that in this room.

ricky: Oh, Karl, when’s your train?

karl: In a minute. I’m gonna get going now. I’ll see you later.

steve: Thanks Karl.

karl: Kirsty MacColl?

ricky: Kirsty MacColl – New England. Karl Pilkington has left the building. He’s rushed away, he’s on his way down to Cornwall and we’re left by ourselves, in the room.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: See, if we can do this--

steve: If we can press all the buttons and not make any mistakes, strictly speaking, there’s no need for Karl.

ricky: I don’t mind if I make mistakes. I never worried In the old days --

steve: Well no, sure.

ricky: Em, I think Karl is gonna love Cornwall --

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Because I think one, the mayor is probably an animal. --

steve: (’’laughing). Yes

ricky: And I imagine the townsfolk think like Karl.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? I imagine he’ll probably, he’ll stay there and be made King

steve: Have you ever seen Return of the Jedi?

steve: In Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks, the little furry creaturs, they see C3PEO and because he can talk and he can speak the language they actually elevate him--

ricky: Oh, he’s back what are you doing here?

steve: Waheyyyy!--

ricky: You could have stayed ‘til the end?

karl: I’m off. I’ll see you later.

ricky: What are you doing?

steve: Right.

ricky: Right, well there he is, he’s on his way to Cornwall.

steve: If you’re listening online in Cornwall, I mean, I can’t imagine that’s ever gonna happen.

steve: But--

ricky: On a clothes line, with a bean tin on the end, and a big bean tin in London. “I’m calling London”.

steve: Or if the foil helmet you wear to fend of laser rays from alien from outer space is somehow picking up the show, then Karl’s on his way, look forward to--

ricky: He’ll fit in, because he’s got a sort of, like, you know, the, eh, eh, obligatory red face that go well down there now. I think he’s been out in the sun or he’s, eh, pre-boiled when he came in. But he’s rushing down to Cornwall now, Paddington Station.

steve: If you’re in the Paddington Station area and want to pop down and wave him off then do, don’t be afraid--

ricky: That’s not a dirty sexual act.

steve: (‘’laughing’’) Waving him off--

ricky: Wave him off. And call in in the week as well. [email protected], send him anything. Just clog up his email.

steve: Yeah--

ricky: I mean, ‘cos he gets stressed at work, so if you can send him 3 or 4 emails each--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: Over the next week so he’s gotta read ‘em all. But surprise him. Don’t make them look rubbish, so at least he’s got to sort of open them and look at them or, you know, some of them might be correspondence so he will, you know just phone his line as well, ask for XFM, ask for Karl and leave long messages on his voicemail--

steve: Yeah, yeah--

ricky: So if you can, eh, just for us, just for me and Steve, remember it is mine and Steve’s show. Karl is nearly like the icing on the cake--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: If Karl can come back, maybe next Friday or Saturday, or Monday, whenever he comes back, do about 250 emails and 200 voicemail messages--

steve: If you put down, when it says what’s the name of the message, the title of the message, if you put ‘Monkey News’ or ‘Monkey Information’ then he’ll have to open it then because he’ll be intrigued, even if it’s not about monkeys --

ricky: Yeah--

steve: Do that anyway --

ricky: Yeah and, um, and eh, yeah, voicemail messages, leave them long, much information, disguise it so it might be important--

steve: Yeah--

ricky: And just so he has to listen through the, I wish I could give his mobile out but that is just too cruel, but anyone can get him at XFM and of course we’ve given out his email before so, I mean, go mental--

steve: There are plenty of ways to torture Karl Pilkignton--

steve: I mean, we’ve, we’re doing all we can on a Saturday-

ricky: But we’re only two people--

steve: But we’re only two men--

ricky: D’ya know what I mean. So, listen, go berserk. We’ll be back next Saturday and we’ll leave you with a Song for the Lovers, Song for the Ladies, whatever. Beautiful track--

steve: Song for the sunshine--

ricky: Song for the sunshine. It’s Lilywhite bu Cat Stevens. We’ve done it. We don’t need Karl--

steve: Definitely not. See you next week, Rick--

ricky: Bye--