XFM Vault - S02E51 Transcript

ricky:01:05 then, already of a Saturday. So I'm Ricky Gervais, that was Placebo, yeah? With 'Special Needs', which brings me to my next point: with me, Karl Pilkinton

steve:Karl Pilkington, there he is.

ricky:Steve Merchant, 104.9.

steve:That's it.

ricky:We're back, then.

steve:Well, for one last time.

ricky:Well, it's certainly the end of the season. We're away for at least two months. We're doing The Office special, and possibly forever. Depending on whether Karl decides he wants to carry on with this. Because, I mean, we do this for fun. We don't need to do this we don't need to do this for, you know, money.

ricky:Obviously not

steve:The kind of money you're earning, rick, you do not need to do this

ricky:I don't need to do it, it is honestly, beneath me. We don't need to do it to further our career because it's embarrassing being on XFM...

steve:Didn't your accountant say: "Do not even bother cashing those XFM checks, it's not worth your while"?

ricky:No, it's not-- the time it took to sign them- It wasn't worth it. So we do this basically to ridicule Karl on a large sort of platform. -I say large platform, well, it's XFM- No other no other radio station will have us.

steve:It's roughly the same as standing up in McDonald's, I imagine.

ricky:But over lunchtime, though.

steve:Yeah. Or when it's just the cleaning stuff is mopping up.

ricky:Yeah. If Karl doesn't come back, he's breaking up the three way partnership forever.

steve:He's very much like Sting, isn't he?

ricky:Yeah. Exactly.

steve:In about what, like 1986-87?

steve:He's going to go off and sort of make some quite poor sort of jazz inflected White Man Soul and leaving us to go about our business.

ricky:Play pizza places.

steve:Exactly. While I'm going to go into maybe writing some soundtracks.

ricky:Saying like "Dad! Why can't I be in the CIA?" "You don't know anything about it. You're a drummer"

ricky:So we'll have to see. I mean, do you think anyone cares?

steve:I wouldn't have thought so. Because I think if someone was interested in having some good chat and some great laughs, they spent more time with their friends.

ricky:Or listen to another radio station.

steve:Or listen to a decent radio show, they listen to XFM for some music to have on in the background that's loud enough so they can hear it while they're hoovering.

ricky:Yeah. I don't think our fans hoover.

steve:Well, true, true.

steve:Or shoot up, whatever

ricky:I think you've got to have a house. To hoover. I tell you what I do want though: Some great music.

steve:Indeed.

ricky:They'll be saying 'Since You've Been Gone'. See that? That's the sort of link I can do. If we stay together.

steve:If you could cut out all the other drivel you speak, you'd be great on Magic.

ricky:I know, yeah. You've got to-

steve:Come on

ricky:I know you've got a rainbow something, haven't you? You've got a rainbow something!

steve:It's Rainbow!

ricky:Well, I mean, for our last show, that song had everything.

ricky:It's got two guitar solos.

steve:Yes.

ricky:It's got a key change. It's got bad grammar, "since you've been gone" by rainbow and that's for Camfield, the Prince of Rock. He's going to be the king when Vance just you know, hands over his crown. And you've still got that on XFM, so you know, don't worry about us going- Oh, you weren't?? Oh, okay then.

ricky:No one cares.

steve:No one cares.

ricky:This is our last show, let's make it a good one!

steve:Let me give out the email address because I imagine there's going to be a flood of emails.

ricky:Saying "Please, Karl, keep the team together!"

steve:Yes, it's [John-o dot Coleman at -]

ricky:Coleman's not a team, he's just a big lad.

ricky:Right, come on!

steve:Uhmm, what do you mean, come on? I've got nothing.

ricky:Ricky dot Gervais at XFM dot co dot uk, or Karl dot Pilkington, because you can do it throughout the week, you can do it throughout the two months.

ricky:And what's the, what's the phone number for XFM? 0207? Is it 7-66-6000? And then just ask people to be put through to Karl and leave a message on his voicemail.

steve:Yeah

ricky:So email him a lot. 0-2-0-7-6-6-6000 I think, and just ask for Karl Pilkington

steve:Who cares?

ricky:Little 'Karl-uh Pilkingdon', little baldy Manc twit. Uhhh and say, "Please stay! Please stay."

ricky:Karl. Say something then! This is your last show. Say hello!

karl:Alright

steve:What your feelings, Karl, so far? I mean, are you cheerful, are you upset?

karl:Not at all. Can't wait for three o'clock!

steve:Sure.

karl:So it was interesting how Ricky was saying he only does it for the fun. I haven't even got that bit.

karl:I am paid peanuts to work Saturdays, wrecks me weekend.

steve:Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

karl:I have no fun.

ricky:You are having a laugh!

ricky:You love this, you love this! You love me coming in and having a little chat beforehand and after!

karl:That's the funny thing, innit? Listeners just think, why does he get so moody about it, having Ricky annoying him just on a Saturday? It's not just of a Saturday.

ricky:Why?

karl:It's in the week as well.

ricky:How do I annoy you?

ricky:How do I annoy you, Karl? So you can't- Be specific!

karl:Uhmmm..

ricky:See?

karl:The first thing that springs to mind when I'm trying to work with Steve before, saying "Come on, let's find some interesting stuff to talk about". I think you were playing the accordion in me ear? Was it the accordion? It doesn't really matter, they get the idea.

ricky:Although I can't play the accordion, so it wasn't very good, was it?

steve:Where did you find an accordion?

ricky:I just thought there was one out there. Right.

karl:Next to the drum kit he started playing the accordion.

ricky:Then I put the accordion through the loudspeakers- loud, those loudspeakers, they're amazing!

steve:My question is, this Karl: do you honestly think that's going to stop just because we're not on air anymore? He's not going to see you on a Saturday, so he's just going to come in even more.

ricky:Yeah, I can just drop it.

karl:Won't bother me as much, though.

steve:I think he will.

karl:And I'll have his fob taken off him, so he won't be able to just wander in.

ricky:Of course I won't.

steve:Do you think? Of course they're going to let Ricky Gervais walk in any time he wants.

ricky:Yeah, I might come in, might do a few trailers, might hang out with Andrew. "Hey Andrew, how's it going?" And he'll go "yeah, we have a bit of trouble. What do you think?" I'll say "lose that off the playlist! Put that one on! Sack them!"

steve:Yeah

ricky:Yeah? Let's have a little bit of Feeder.

ricky:Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow. At least we're here today, Steve.

ricky:The three of us, for an hour and a half more. The last time ever, possibly. It's up to little baldy head Mancy. Karl Pilkingtod.

steve:A number of emails, Rick. This is from Matthew Davis. I think he very much captures the mood of the email public. His email is just simply titled: "Go! In the name of God, go!" It says, "why wait till three? Why not leave immediately and stop subjecting us to this

steve:Abject misery

ricky:Well, Karl did once when he had to get a train.

steve:Of course, lest we forget.

ricky:So that's never happened on radio before.

steve:But who knows? I mean, stay tuned. We might shoot off at 20 to two.

ricky:Or we might get better.

steve:We might get better.

ricky:We might get better because we've done a bit of planning. Because I got Karl round last night

steve:Really?

ricky:To do some planning of the show, didn't I? And so we thought

karl:Yeah, I thought you were gonna be there, Steve.

steve:No, I wasn't told about it.

karl:I called him up, why, what are we doing? He said, well, you can come round and have a chat, maybe get some ideas and that tomorrow. So I said, is Steve there? Yeah, Steve, Steve will be coming.

karl:So I go round... Close- Next to his flat. The pub couldn't be closer!

karl:Alright?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Unless there was, sort of spirits and that in the lift. They couldn't have got closer. Alright? So I turn up. You're not there.

steve:No

karl:He's lied.

steve & ricky:Yeah

ricky:Well, you wouldn't have come out if you just thought I was going to muck around. I had to pretend it was work, to get you out.

karl:So you weren't there Steve?

steve:No.

karl:Anyway, so he says, oh, come in the flat. Got an interesting book that you'll like.

steve:Okay.

karl:So I think, well, that's kind of work, he's trying and that.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:So go in thinking we're going to get some some good ideas and that from this book. Couldn't find the book. He looked for about 40 seconds. [mimicking Ricy] "Ahhh I don't know where it is. Let's come in here, let's have a wrestle!"

karl:So I'm sat in the lounge. Sat there, just chatting to his girlfriend and that. Just chatting. He comes wandering out, in his underpants

steve:Yeah

ricky:Yeah, well, it's comfortable, yeah?

karl:I don't know if you were comfortable because it was sort of pulled up

karl:Right between the crack.

steve:Right.

karl:Looked like... uhh... probably like a gay sumo wrestler.

ricky:Yeah, yeah. And I did a little dance for you, didn't I? Cause there was MTV on. I was doing little dance.

karl:Dancing to Elton John's new one.

ricky:And what did you say? What did you say when I was doing little dance for you in my pants pulled up? Do you remember what you said? I poured him a drink. He's in my home. I'm entertaining him. He goes: "Are you sure you're not a bender?"

ricky:Is that any way to treat a host?

karl:I think it was the right time to ask.

ricky:But we did do something- because you got confused and you said- oh, God, it's like a child or a cat when it's confused. He went: "Steve reckons in ancient Greece, right? It was better to shag a bloke than a woman." And I went well, yeah, about the male being sort of a first class citizen.

steve:Yeah

ricky:Much better, wasn't it? An aspiration to sleep with a beautiful man than a beautiful woman?

steve:Women were lower class citizens, so therefore men were seen as higher class. So to have sexual relations with a man was there was no shame in that.

ricky:No

steve:In fact it was looked upon as a good thing.

ricky:And I said, well, you know, ancient Rome. I said, even Nero, he used to be sitting his big jacuzzi and he used to get, you know, pretty boy men to go into the water and just nibble at his testicles while he was having a wash.

karl:They didn't do that!

ricky:He did!

karl:And he wasn't a gay fellow?

ricky:No. Well, no, I don't know about Nero, but I mean, it wasn't a case of a big delineation between what was heterosexual and what was gay. It was just, you know whatever-

karl:So what did this fellow do then? This one who's having his little testicles-

ricky:Well, he was pretty much top boy, Nero, for a while.

steve:He was in charge

ricky:And you did what you're told. If Caesar or

karl:But why were people going around there? Why didn't they go "Uhh..."

ricky:No, they weren't dropping in!

ricky:It wasn't like the doors opening "I'm just gonna see what Nero's doing". It's not like when I'm popping in to see you.

steve:Normally what would happen is you'd say "come back to my place. I got a book for you"

ricky:Yeah

steve:You pop in, he comes out in his pants. Elton John would have been on.

ricky:You'd have probably been like a delivery boy or a stable boy or something. And you'd have pop round there and you'd have gone "Alright Nero, there's the tablet or stone you wanted" and he'd go

ricky:"Pilkington! While you are here pop under"

ricky:I don't know why he's French

steve:What- What is that?

ricky:I don't know why he's French. "Just pop under the water and nibble at my testicles." And you'd have done it.

steve:Because he was Nero.

karl:I wouldn't.

ricky:You would have.

karl:There's no way I would have done! What have I done, I've dropped a pizza off?

steve:Yeah you popped round Nero's place with a pizza

karl:Right. I'd say "I've done me job. Right? That's not the sort of tip I wanted."

ricky:No. He would have said, get the little baldy chap to nibble at my testicles. And you'd have done it.

karl:No I wouldn't have done it.

ricky:Can I just say this, Steve? Not only would you be nibbling his testicles, you have been going mad. You'd have been noshing him just for extra. You'd have been doing everything he wanted. You'd have been going- He would have gone "I didn't ask you to do that!" You'd have been going mental. You'd have been chewing, slurping, smacking, poking.

karl:Alright

ricky:You'd have gnawed his packet off.

karl:Alright

ricky:You'd think you're eating Walker's crisps. There'd be bubbles. There'd be flu- ah it would have been horrible...

steve:The Beatles from the soundtrack to the Yellow Submarine, actually. And that's 'Hey Bulldog'

ricky:On Xfm 104.9. Our last show, maybe. Me Ricky, Steve and little Karl. Alright, Karl?

ricky:But that book that that wasn't a fake. It wasn't like just a ruse to get you back, to show you me and dancing and pants to Elton John. It's a-

steve:What was your girlfriend doing during that? Incidentally

ricky:I think she was just getting on with sort of like packing up sort of boxes because we were moving.

steve:Well, she's seen it before.

ricky:And the book was- Do you remember that book that I showed you that it was 'A Man's Body, An Owner's Manual'?

steve:Yes

ricky:And it's just loads of stats and there's one in there-

steve:It's kind of like a Guinness Book of Records of men.

ricky:Yeah. There's one section there-

steve:Sorry, hang on.

steve:It's not a Guinness Book of Records of Men! That just sounds a little bit like you and I sat round your house, looking at a big book with pictures of men in it.

ricky:A big man book.

steve:A big man.

ricky:He is a big man, isn't he? He should be on the front cover.

steve:Yeah. It was a book more about the kind of physical body.

ricky:Exactly. Yeah. Biology and social and sex and all that sort of stuff.

steve:But we didn't look at the sex stuff

ricky:Which is where we got the knob news for the day from. Right? This is true, right? I read that the-

ricky:Nearly forgot the jingle!

steve:Yes

ricky:I read that the smallest ever functioning penis, right? Was under three quarters of an inch when erect.

steve:Extraordinary.

ricky:That is bad luck, innit? And it's a micro penis, so it's perfectly, perfectly scaled down. Just a little-

ricky:Look at Karl's face!

karl:Well, couldn't the fella have said "look, right, I'm not happy about it... so don't print it"

karl:It's not the sort of press people want.

ricky:There wasn't a picture of him. It was anonymous. They didn't read the book and at work next day they go "look at this, Frank! What? Smallest ever penis, half an inch." He didn't go "It's me!" He just went "Yeah. Loser." You know what I mean?

ricky:You know what I mean? "Anyway, let's have a shower!" "I'm alright"

ricky:He must have had to have a little jod with a pair of tweezers.

steve:Yeah. Presumably

ricky:Because you couldn't even get a fist- I mean, that is bad luck innit?

karl:Was he a good looking fella or?

ricky:What would you do? Right? He invited you around and said, right, and he was like the king. And he went, oh, Karl could just come down there and just nibble it? And you've gone under the water and you about to nibble it and you come up and you go, that's tiny! Would you be disappointed or relieved?

karl:Right.

karl:Well, that wouldn't happen.

ricky:NO! Karl, I'm saying, if it did, would you be disappointed? Would you go,"Ah I can't even get- I don't know where to start with that" Or would you go, "oh, thank God it's not a big one!"

steve:You've got to remember that he's the the Emperor, so you've got to do what he says, or he'll have you killed.

ricky:What would you do? Would you go, "oh, a lovely set of tackle" or "It's not as big as I wanted" Or would you secretly think, "I'm glad it's not big, because I didn't want to- because I'm not that gay"

karl:I'm not even going to think about. Because I wouldn't do it. I know I wouldn't do it. Even back then.

ricky:"Even back then"!

karl:When was Nero at it?

ricky:Well, the Roman Empire was sort of like 2000 years.

steve:Well, it stretched.

ricky:Yeah. Yeah.

steve:So it's a long time ago.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:I wouldn't do it.

ricky:You'd have to. You'd have to.

karl:I always remember uh... We're still doing Knob News?

ricky:Yeah yeah yeah yeah

steve:Is this some extra?

ricky:Know News Extra!

steve:Knob News Extra, excellent.

karl:Well, I didn't do that well at school and that- but we had biology and I didn't take much of it in. But there was one day when it was about, you know... knob news and stuff

steve:Sure

karl:And it was all about how blood, you know, is what makes

ricky:Engorges the erectile tissue.

steve:Sure

karl:Yeah. It was all about that. And there's this girl in our class called Paula, right? We're sat there watching it and she fainted.

karl:You just heard her go "Oughhh" And she hit the floor because we were all sat on top of the desk watching this. I wasn't interested in that.

steve:No

karl:I wasn't looking at it and that. But Paula, right, she fell over.

karl:And the funny thing was, right

steve:Was it a video?

karl:Yeah, a video of like this... blood, doing the business to this fellow's member, and she fell over, right? And everyone was like "Oh, what's up with her?" And the teacher was trying to wake her up and give her water and that. And it was really weird because then the nurse came in

karl:And this video was still playing and the nurse came in "What happened?" "Well, she's seen this" and you could hear like- then it was going onto like, sex education on the video. It was all done from start to finish.

steve:Yeah

karl:What happens, da da da, and by the end and she was still out cold by the time it got to like "And then they have a baby!"

steve:Yeah.

karl:And that is that's just reminded me

steve:So it seems to me that that was a sex education class, she fainted when the penis got erect and when she woke up, the baby was born. That's probably what she thinks happens! She's wandering around now

ricky:And the whole class just missed out of it because they saw someone faint

steve:She's with a bloke and he gets an action, she just goes "Ahhh no"

karl:But that's it, she was a bit of a class tart, really, that's why

ricky:Awww, Karl, Karl, Karl Karl, Karl, Karl...

karl:Yeah, but she was... Everyone was like "what's up with her? It's not like she's not seen it before"

karl:But just reminded me then, weird. But anyway yeah, so I wouldn't...

ricky:You would, you would be loving it.

steve:Anyway, let's leave Nero aside.

ricky:Yeah. The other thing in this- Should we play a record and come back? There's another interesting fact-

steve:There is some extraordinary facts, yeah.

karl:But we're running over.

ricky:It won't be Knob News. It won't be Knob News. It'll be all different types of news.

karl:Alright then.

ricky:Libertines - Don't Look Back Into The Sun on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. For possibly the last time. Ever.

ricky:I was coming in today, Steve, and I was walking just past Shrewsbury Avenue, at the beginning of Shrewsbury Avenue, and it's got a little bit of a tramps corner going on there. And there's a couple of tramps, proper tramps, already had a few, and about sort of like 40 maybe they could be 30, they could have an hard life. They probably have. But he was going *mumbles* "Johnny's comin' to Albert's, Lez isn't going to make it.

ricky:And I was thinking they're just planning their social meeting there.

steve:Yeah

ricky:I just think that's nice. They don't just drink by themselves.

steve:Yeah

ricky:"What we're doing tonight?" "I thought we'd get drunk and sleep in a doorway". "We did that last night!"

ricky:But I just like the idea that they're planning it. And they got mates and they do stuff and they go "alright, how's it going?" "Well, you know how it's going." "I'm sitting next to you in a pile of piss! You know, how it's going!"

ricky:I was thinking, do you think they ever wake up before they had anything, like at 09:00 and go "Oh, I was pissed last night!"

steve:-laughs- Yeah

ricky:"You were talking absolute rubbish." "What was I doing?" "You were just going" *mumbles*

steve:"You're just shouting at cars, walking in the street"

ricky:"You're joking! Was I really embarrassing?"

steve:Yeah

ricky:"You were pretty drunk"

steve:"I tell you this, I'm never going to do that again!"

ricky:"Oh, but at least I didn't make a pass at Dirty Agnes!" "Oh, God. What did I do?" You're just going *mumbles*

ricky:Just love the idea. They have no little conversations and that.

steve:Yeah

ricky:I imagine one of them going "I'm not coming out now, I've got no money" "Nor have we, yeah?" "I'm just going to go and dance. Just go and dance outside of McDonalds"

steve:"I only made 18 p today"

steve:Because I've always had a soft spot for the homeless. But you remember that time I was walking over to yours once and see, there's the homeless people there's, those ones that they try to retain a certain dignity. They won't just come up and ask you for money, they'll come up and maybe try and start a conversation-

ricky:Ohh!

steve:Before introducing the fact

ricky:But what you despise and annoys you is that the thing they're trying to hold onto is a little bit of pride.

steve:I know!

ricky:What would you want them to do? Just be crushed in a skip going "Just give me some money! Look at me!"

steve:I just think, come out and say it. Come out and say it. But don't try and fool me, because sometimes I feel like I've been tricked. I get annoyed because I feel like I didn't see you coming. You came out of left field.

ricky:Sorry! I imagine the fact that they're bare chested, apart from a blanket with their hand out covered in sores and no teeth is a clue that they're-

steve:This was one of those ones- you sometimes see them, the ones that are slightly older and they've got a full suit on. They wear a complete suit, like a pinstripe suit or something, with maybe trainers, admittedly

ricky:Yeah

steve:And I sort of think to myself, at what point in that moment before they finally left the house for the last time did they think, well, I'm going to be homeless. I want to look good if I'm going to be homeless, I'm sleeping rough.

ricky:But it does happen quickly.

ricky:It can happen in a matter of days or weeks.

steve:Anyway, listen, I don't I'm not begrudging the fact that he asked for money. That's fine. I just felt a little bit annoyed because I thought he was an ordinary person

ricky:Right

steve:And he came up to me and he said to me

ricky:Nice distinction, go on

steve:And he said to me, "Excuse me mate, have you got the time?" and I said, whatever, ten past three. And he went "have you got any money?" And I knew now, I was annoyed and it annoyed me because I thought I should have known straight away. I mean, a homeless person, I sensed it, sensed it straight away. "Excuse me, have you got the time?" I wanted to say to him "Where have you got to be?"

ricky:Well, yeah

steve:What appointments have you got?

ricky:Well, no, maybe, he goes to work, he starts begging at 03:00, he asked all that day he goes, what time? They go Quarter to four or whatever, you know what I mean? Then he goes "oh, give us some money, it's 03:00!"

steve:Right

ricky:Maybe there's the mornings off. It might have been his day off, he was doing half day off or shift work, you know what I mean? You never know what shift they're on.

steve:I just think when you see those people from shelter or from famine relief in the street, they got to wear those kind of those little things over their clothes that say where they're from or at least some kind of name tag. So you know when you're stopped by them, you know what to expect. They got a clipboard.

ricky:I know

steve:These homeless people who come out and they look like regular people. They come lurching out like zombies. You go "Oh, that's an attractive woman" She's just come over... Oh no, look, she's got a dog on a piece of string.

ricky:I know, yeah.

steve:I just think they've got to come out with it, they should just come out. Just be honest, be proud.

ricky:Those people with a thing sometimes annoy me is where they stand right in the middle of the pavement. I have to zigzag, I have to cross the road four times to get through them. It's like playing Getaway on video, avoiding all these up and down Oxford Street. You have to really- come out

ricky:It's the worst when they recognize me. That's why I've got about eight standing orders now where I've been caught.

steve:I leave the house, and it's just like people are trying to take my money from me.

steve:Between my house and the tube, there's just swarms of people trying to take my money from me at any cost.

ricky:Karl's got his first little direct debit, haven't you now? Five quid a week or five quid a month?

karl:Yeah, I've joined some something to help Africa about. I quizzed her for a bit. I mean, she came over and she was saying

ricky:He was talking to her for about 40 minutes.

ricky:Just making sure your money was going to the right place.

karl:Yeah

karl:I was saying, you know, why have I got to give you me bank details? This is the thing. And I was saying to her, I'm sure you'd make more money, right, if you just had the little thing that you put money in. I said, I want to help you out, right? But it's the fact I've got to give you bank details. And she's saying, no, this is the way we guarantee we make money and we can help places out because, we could be out all day and we could only earn, like, 50p, whereas we know that it's worth us standing around. So I was like, well, fair enough. So what's my money going to be doing then? And I think it's called Care of the World or something. And she's saying, we're giving them money to buy hammers.

karl:And we're not just going to give them money to blow in and stuff. They've got to like, work and

ricky:They don't give them money! What do you think of these people- Just like these drought planes.

steve:There's a gift voucher for B&Q. So they have to buy a hammer.

ricky:They go with the buckets and go and they throw it up and they go "bundle!"

karl:She was making out anyway, right? She was nice enough. She was selling it to me. She said "we give them the tools and they feel good because they're building up their own place and everything" and I said fair enough. And now I've done that for two months. They've got a tenner off me already. I'm checking it, making sure they're not ripping me off and that. If I ever go to Africa and I need a hammer and there isn't one...

steve:Yeah

karl:I'll be livid.

steve:You'll be livid

karl:Because it is a lot of money

ricky & steve:Sure

karl:For every month a fiver.

karl:And you know, you're talking about people hassling you and that in the street. I actually moved flat- the last flat I lived in, I moved from there because of the hassle.

ricky:Really?

karl:Yeah, it was a high street and you couldn't- like, you were saying, you nip out for a loaf and spend about 40 quid.

steve:Yeah.

karl:Just just on people saying, give us money, tramps, heart attacks, old people or whatever. It's like, yeah. Ended up pushing me off that street. No, I can't handle this.

steve:It's it's getting crazy out there. They may as well have those little stalls.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Hey, but listen, let's make the world a better place with a little bit of music. Bit of Bauhaus?

karl:Yeah.

steve:Give generous people, come on

ricky:Bauhaus's version of David Bowie's 'Ziggy Stardust' on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Possibly for the last time. And as a special treat, a return, sort of like a summer special, an end of term, well a gift to the fans: Karl is bringing back Rockbusters.

karl:D'ya want to explain it?

ricky:Rockbusters is basically Blockbusters, completely ripped off, done with music, that may or may not be a cryptic clue and may or may not be the actual bad name, and may or may not be the actual letters he said they were in the first place.

karl:Do you want to sort of describe one, though, in case someone's a new listener?

ricky:Well... Exploding pet was Atomic Kitten. AK.

steve:But basically, for those of you who are new to the show, this is the final show. Karl reads out what he considers to be a cryptic clue. It's not cryptic clue. It's just some words. Just a string of words. And from that you are supposed to deduct the name of an artist or a group or a band.

ricky:We've had things like the "Jamaican fella swinging a fish round. That was Detrout Spinners.

steve:Detrout Spinners.

ricky:So that's the sort of-, that's the level of intellect you are getting from Karl Pilkington.

steve:What was the one

ricky:Just do the competition!

steve:I was thinking was it she fell down in Texas?

ricky:Wet Knee Houston.

steve:She fell down into a puddle

steve:In Texas

karl:On a knee. Wet-knee Houston.

ricky:Yeah. So you said it twice. It's not cryptic, so just do it. Come on.

karl:Right, so there's three of them and you email in your answers. We got some good prizes today and that. Alright.

steve:Well, let me say the prizes then.

ricky:Yeah, whizz through it, cause this is you know...

ricky:The competition is bad enough, let alone to just listen to-

steve:There are three DVDs, six CDs.

ricky:Brilliant

ricky:It's got the Young Ones and all that. Lot of TV things. There's some great CDs, yeah, go on.

karl:Right, so the first one, uhmm, cryptic clue...

karl:This vegetable started life down under. This vegetable started life down under. The initials K-O. Alright? K-O. This vegetable started life down under.

karl:Second one: ehmm... the things that you normally find on the beach... Right? Have been found floating around the Moon. Right?

karl:That's uhmmm... I think it's TS.

steve:Wha- You think it's TS?! You set the questions but you're not sure.

karl:So the things you normally find on the beach have been found floating around the Moon.

karl:And the last one: well... if you put that many in the post, I'm surprised I didn't receive one.

ricky:He thinks they're great! He thinks he's brilliant!

karl:Well, you know, if you put that many in the post, I'm surprised I didn't receive one.

ricky:Is he acting?! He did all the- *mimics Karl mumbling*

karl:The initials are FC.

steve:FC.

karl:FC. Right? So you email in the answers. Ricky dot Gervais at XFM dot Co dot UK

ricky:Hey! Let's slam dunk in some sounds!

karl:Well, slam dunk some ads first?

ricky:OK. (giggles)

steve:That will be the next single from DMX that's called 'Where the Hood At?' On XFM 104.9

ricky:It bloody better be!

steve:I know you're a fan

steve:You've enjoyed it. You love a bit of Hip-Hop, don't you?

ricky:XFM 104.9

steve:Yeah, keep it rea

ricky:Hippy-hopp

ricky:So yeah

steve:Sweet man, sweet. It's that kind of stuff, that kind of lingo and that kind of pattern that they won't be hearing next week.

ricky:No, I know. Off making some bling bling. Alright? Sooo...

steve:Sweet.

karl:It's weird, all that... all that talk, innit?

ricky:Hah! Excellent. What do you mean?

karl:Just all that bling bling and all that. Because I didn't understand it, right? So I did a bit of research.

ricky:Brilliant. That's what you should do if you don't understand something, look it up.

karl:Yeah I always do that though

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Go on.

karl:But it's all slang.

ricky:Is it really? Is it really? Really?!

steve:That's odd.

ricky:I Don't remember it being in Romeo & Juliet, but then

steve:So you didn't speak like that when you went to Oxbridge?

karl:What?

steve:Never mind.

karl:But no, I did a bit of research into it, right?

ricky:Go on

karl:And one of the things that they use is... "Oh I was out last night, did a 1-8-7.

ricky:Yeah, that's the murder.

karl:Yeah. But why use slang, right? Because apparently 1-8-7 is police slang.

ricky:Yeah. Well, if you're not slang, it's a it's a code.

karl:Well, don't don't use what police know you're talking about.

ricky:Yeah. I don't think they do it with police around.

karl:Do they not?

ricky:Probably not.

karl:Carry on then!

ricky:Yeah. Yeah.

karl:Carry on

steve:I remember the Cockney rhyming slang supposedly originated because East End villains, whatever, would make up their own slang, so that if they're overheard in conversation, then they won't know what they're talking about, but just look it up in some kind of cockney rhyming slang dictionary.

ricky:Yeah, I like that idea. "Okay, where is he? Where's Fingers?" "Well copper, I'm going to tell you this: He's up the apples and pears." "What does that mean?" "Leave the house then!" If you don't know that he's hiding up the apples and pears, you might as well shoot off.

steve:Exactly. Well, I can't possibly figure that out, so I just have to shoot off.

ricky:Yeah. "Where was he last seen?" "He was last seen with his Trouble and Strife." "I know what that means." "Well, he might go shoot off."

steve:Yeah.

ricky:It's a perfect code. Of course, though, talking about Shakespeare, Shakespeare invented 1200 words. And slang gets in, so there are more and more words and slang soon become, you know, the norm. There's no 'not real words' and 'real words'. Do you know what I mean? They're just as valid if they're common parlance. So they all become partly- or they fade away and they're not used because they're a fad.

steve:Yeah. Like Waz Up.

ricky:Yeah. That's probably in the dictionary, or soon to be. I was reading- It was it a couple of years ago, "you're going to like this not a lot" got in there.

steve:Right.

ricky:Some popular things got in there. Imagine that.

steve:You're going to like this. Not a lot.

ricky:"ZigaZig Ah" I think got in or something. Oh no, "Girl Power" got in. Girl Power as a common phrase.

steve:Sorry, go on. No no no, you have to

karl:No, it's just that with the slang thing. Did I tell you I was trying to read that book about the Governor?

steve:Oh, yes.

karl:And that was full of that. And it had a page on the front that you had to keep going to. When he used a bit of slang, you had to sort of go "Right, I don't know what you mean"

ricky:Glossary

karl:Just a nip back, have a look.

steve:When you said there's a page at the front, I thought you meant the cover with his face on. I can't remember what I'm reading! Oh, there he is!

ricky:Is this the book that you nearly finished reading, but you realized all the pages were in the wrong order?

karl:Yeah

ricky:He bought a cheap book, at a seconds shop, started reading, loving it. Then he started reading about this bloke and he went from jail to school. And then he looked at the page numbers and they were all out of order.

karl:How annoying is that?

steve:You never read books do you?

karl:I never, never read one, right? And Suzanne was- we were going into Hastings, because you two had done me head in

steve:Yeah

karl:She was like "I'll take you away, so you're relaxing" and what have you. So I ended up not relaxing because it was like putting a jigsaw together. I'd started reading it on the train, thinking, I'm loving this, it's a really interesting story about this fella who, you know, didn't have a great life as a kid, starts getting into a bit of crime, what have you, turns out to be the governor. But it wasn't as easy as that because, like you say, it was started off at school, then he was in prison.

karl:And it's like "God, he started young.." and then next thing is like, he's married. It's like, hang on, he's like twelve! And then he's had a heart attack. But I just thought it was part of the thing, because I read chapter one and then it did say chapter twelve. But I thought right, it's like sort of done in that style

karl:Stylish way that everyone's doing

steve:What?!

steve:What kind of a biography starts messing with the medium?

ricky:I love the fact that it goes like "I was born in the East End. Take one onion... add some-

ricky:This is not-

steve:But it's the idea that an Eastern villain is going to write his autobiography, but think "Yeah, I'm just going to play with the format a bit. I think I get quite postmodern with this."

karl:No, but do you know what I mean?

steve:Barely able to write, probably.

ricky:Oh you can't say that about him, Steve! I wouldn't. I think he's an educated man. Go on. Next, Karl!

karl:Yeah, just because it was like two for a tenner, that shouldn't be like "oh, well, you got a good offer"

ricky:No, that's rare. I'm sure the bloke selling it did not know that the pages are out of order. Let's face it, Karl, you read it and didn't realize. So...

steve:Yeah

ricky:So you can't blame him

steve:I love the fact that you almost got half the way through before you realized.

karl:Yeah

ricky:Yeah

karl:But anyway

ricky:That teacher, that put you off books for life, hasn't it?

karl:Well, I don't like getting into books now. I just read snippets of information.

ricky:Play a record! Play a record!

karl:No, I was just going to tell you about a bit of information that I was reading. I can't-

steve:No, we got a bit of time for drivel before we play the next tune.

ricky:Well I'd rather hear a tune and come back for drivel, because I think people are tuning in for drivel, so let's tease them.

steve:Okay

ricky:Let's have a record, then some absolute shite from Karl Pilkington!

steve:Excellent. Look forward to that!

ricky:Longview. And 'Further'. I love that one on XFM, 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

ricky:Alright Karl, what did you learn?

karl:Right, like I say, I don't like reading books. There's too much flaking, I haven't got time-

ricky:Word. Too much word.

karl:I'm busy and that.

ricky:Yeah. I don't like reading books, actually. But go on.

ricky:But I have done. (laughing) So go on.

karl:So I was looking at this magazine, right? And it was more about- Do you know that I'm not that impressed with Einstein and Newton and that lot

ricky:No, what should you be? What have I ever done? Go on!

karl:No, but you know the fact- You see that the Columbus thing- He's another isn't he, who got a bit of praise for finding America- and it's like, someone else would have come across that at some point.

ricky:Yep

karl:Right? And yet, news this week, they've found two new types of frog. No one's making a fuss. And look how small they are compared to what he bumped into. And that's what I'm saying. People make a big deal out of all these people who are finding stuff, right?

ricky:Yeah

karl:So the next person

ricky:I mean... my head is buzzing, but I can't be bothered. I actually can't be bothered. Don't think this reaction is a good reaction. I don't know where to start with this drivel, but carry on.

karl:Right. So anyway, the next fella who-

ricky:"The next fella"! You talk in riddles!

karl:The next fella I'm going to talk about, Einstein. Right? Everyone raves about him all the time.

ricky:Yeah?

karl:So I'm trying to get into me head. Why is he amazing and that? Right?

ricky:Okay

karl:So did a bit of reading up on him in this science magazine. Now I read it, it's only, I don't know, 200 words, whatever, trying to get across what he worked out. But I read it last night

ricky:Is it relativity?

ricky:You're talking about?

karl:Ehrmm, yeah...

ricky:Well, you say "yeah" like I just made that word up.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:You heard of-

karl:Yeah yeah yeah, that's what I'm-

steve:Okay, so the 200 words, as far as you recall

karl:So anyway, so I read it and I was like "I don't know what is going on about here", right? So Suzanne was with me. So I said "Can you read this?" She said, "I'm watching Sex in the City." Right? I said "Right, but can you read it and explain to me what I don't understand here"?

ricky:(laughing) It's great! It's great. It's like she's thinking "I haven't got kids. And yet he still wants me to help with his homework and I'm watching telly! I've been at work all day!"

steve:Yeah

karl:She said, look, go in the bedroom, read it out loud to yourself. Maybe it makes more sense if you read it out loud. So I said right, I'll go and do that then. It was good because it's cool in there anyway, right?

karl:So I went in there, so reading it out. Twice! Went back out and I said, "I don't get it still"

karl:So she said "Right, wait ten minutes, and I'll sort it out. So I was sat there, looking at it, trying to work it out before she had to look at it. I was like "no, I forget this!" Now, what he was saying is, if... you send a man to the moon, right?

ricky:Yeah

karl:He was saying... to the fella in the rocket, it would seem like 20 years to him.

ricky:Yeah, not the Moon, but yeah.

karl:No, it was. That's what it said. It said the Moon.

ricky:Well, it wouldn't, because it's only about-

karl:No, but listen! Listen! So it took 20 years to the fellow yet people who were on the Earth, it would seem like 2000.

ricky:Yeah. Because time is relative, not, not--

karl:I don't... What do you mean?

steve:Right...

ricky:Well, listen. The fact is that it's tending towards the speed of light, where it really makes a difference. They've even done it with atomic clocks, where they've sent one up, even in a Concord, and it's like 0.01 of a second difference.

karl:What is? The watch?

ricky:Yes. Yeah. Because at greater speeds...

karl:But why does speed affect how a watch works?

steve:Right, I don't think this is a conversation...

ricky:Because speed-

steve:Sorry, stop! Just stop for a moment!

karl:Do you know what I mean? See what I've done, Steve?

steve:I don't think this is a conversation to be had on a Saturday afternoon on a radio show.

karl:No, but I'm just saying though. No, it's not me, is it?

steve:It is you!

steve:You went quiet, Steve.

steve:No, because --

karl:You're having problems there...

steve:Because I'm not going to be able to explain it to you in a light and frothy way

ricky:I will explain to you. Basically, velocity equals difference over time. When velocity doesn't change and nor does distance, time has to. That's his theory.

karl:Hmmm

ricky:Yeah?

steve:What's your point there, Karl?

karl:I'm just saying, uhmm...

steve:Because you don't understand it, it's worthless.

ricky:I was trying to explain to him that Newton that basically formulated the laws of the universe, the three laws of the universe. Even when playing snooker, I'm trying to drop something in. I was going to equal opposite reaction and all these sort of stuff, right? And he was going "What did he do? Apart from the apple on his head with the gravity?" And I went "Well, what do you mean?" And he went "Well, why was it a problem? If we were to be floating around? I'd have called him in, but since we're not, we don't need him!"

ricky:That's what he said. Play a record! You're a buffoon!

steve:So is he

steve:So there's these two new kinds of frogs, he said?

ricky:You're joking! What, a monkey had a hat? The monkey had a bicycle?

ricky:'I Believe In A Thing Called Love' by the Darkness on XFM 104.9

ricky:Last show, possibly the last ever show. It's up to the K-Man. Little Pilky. Baldy Pilkey, little whingy, Dimmo Manco, as he's called in his Latin name. Dimmus Mancoid. All right, Karl? Alright? You're going to miss this, aren't you?

karl:Nope!

ricky:Good show, though. Enjoying the last show?

karl:Yeah, yeah yeah, it's all right, you know? And I hope it gets better because Telegraph are listening today.

ricky:The Telegraph? The paper? Why- what- Are they? Why did you say that?

karl:Just Jenny, the PR woman said to me yesterday, she said, "You know, do some good topics and that" I said "You don't have to worry about that!"

ricky:What? They phoned up to say "Hello, Telegraph here, we will be be listening tomorrow!"

karl:I don't know what they're doing.

ricky:Are they doing a review of it or something?

karl:I don't know. Why would they do that? There's no reason to.

steve:I'm a bit- Why didn't you mention this earlier?

ricky:Wait a minute! So the Telegraph have said- Why would they call up to say we'll be listening? It's a free country.

karl:Because they said they'll be listening, but also, can you make sure you record it? Because if we can't listen to it because of the pirate stations that are on at the weekend, because it affects our signals and stuff

ricky:Right

karl:Whoever's listening must listen and know there's a problem with pirates. And they said, can you

ricky:Well, they're probably just doing a feature about radio shows or something then.

steve:Then they're going to tear us to shreds!

ricky:They're gonna- Yeah

steve:I mean listen- Seriously, the drivel we've talked today... I mean, what are they going to make of it?

ricky:Well I-

steve:That's a quality newspaper!

ricky:I think I know what Monday's headline is going to be. I don't think it's going to be like "Hey, forget about the power cuts" or it's not going to be about the inquiry or terrorism or anything. It's going to be: "No more to Knob News!"

steve:(laughs) Yeah

ricky:They're going to love that, aren't they?

steve:Seriously, I have a little bit of self respect and if I'd known something, that a quality newspaper was going to be listening, I wouldn't have turned up today. Because I'm an award winner. You know, I'm a respected television writer and I've won awards... Sort of classy-

karl:Don't worry about it, though, don't worry

steve:I mean, what have we talked about today? Knobs. We've had the worst quiz on radio. We've had you trying to explain relativity, you didn't even understand what that word meant!

ricky:I don't think you recognized the word.

karl:There's loads of words I don't recognize

ricky:You read the article four times- twice out loud, where you could hear Sex and the City music, right? And yet you... that word might as well be 'clampfultence'. You hadn't heard it before, so I don't know- Do you look between the lines? Do you actually look at the words?

karl:There's too many words, though.

ricky:The Telegraph are going to love that! The Telegraph have got loads of words. I mean, it's covered with it, words.

steve:Which way up do you hold the magazine when you read it?

karl:No, but there is too many words.

ricky:There's, there's- I mean.. Yeah

ricky:There's too many words. There are too many words in the world.

karl:Do you know what this one means? Right. This is one I learnt the other day.

ricky:Go on

karl:I think it's anti- Antidulian?

ricky:No. What does that mean?

karl:Old.

ricky:Sorry, how do you spell it?

karl:I don't know

steve:Of course you don't!

karl:Antidulian.

ricky:No, I've never heard that word.

karl:It means old. But the annoying thing is, it takes longer to say. And it's the fact that

ricky:But where did you hear that word and in what context?

karl:Someone told me about it. I was talking to someone about long words and that, because you mentioned something when we're out drinking and I said to you why did you say that then? What word does that mean? And then you had to explain it and I said well you didn't have to say that. You could have just said "blah blah".

ricky:But can I say, Steve? I wasn't sort of trying to catch him out or being pretentious, it must have been just a normal word in my vocabulary that he didn't know.

steve:Wait a minute, "Vocabulary"? "Pretentious"? You've lost me.

ricky:(giggles) Yeah.

steve:You're scared by syllables.

ricky:Yeah.

ricky:I'll tell you what though, I was going to do a feature about this. It's funny you should say, I was going to do a feature. My next feature I've written down is: "How good the Telegraph is a newspaper?" It's bloody brilliant!

steve:I love it, ahh!

ricky:Because it's informative, it's impartial, it does research. I think it's a lovely layout. The photography is brilliant.

ricky:Do you know what I like? The bloody font! I love the bloody font!

steve:Do you mind something else? I mean you say it's sort of- I mean if there's any bias at all... Well, there isn't, because it's apolitical, but I bloody love the Tory party!

ricky:Well. Let's not go into it, I just like the journalism and the way

steve:And the size of the paper!

ricky:I like the way they're fair, they'd never like... uggh...you know, slag us off.

steve:No, but also I think it's because they understand that you know, we don't really care and so we can't be blamed for anything they hear on the radio, it's not our fault.

ricky:And anything we said that was like a bit nasty or stupid was probably sort of like some clever sort of ironic post modern

steve:Satire

ricky:Yep. Play record. Brilliant, Telegraph.

steve:It's very... fairly priced, don't you think?

ricky:I think it's too cheap!

steve:I know!

ricky:The Cult there. 'She Sells Sanctuary' on XFM, 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant

steve:Hello.

ricky:And Karl Pilkington.

ricky:Now if the Telegraph are listening and whoever it is, they're writing their article and they're coming up with sort of words like "cheap", "smutty",

steve:"low brow"

ricky:"Low brow", Yeah.

ricky:In our defense, could I just say that we're pandering to our listenership.

steve:Yes.

ricky:I mean, you know. This station, without exception, the people who work here, the executives, the DJs are... alcoholics, drug users, sex offenders.

steve:Check the register! They're all in there.

ricky:We're trying to fit in with that for 2 hours a week. So we really have to sort of really bring it down

steve:Seriously dumbing down.

ricky:But if you're want, we could do our

steve:We should do high brow stuff

ricky:Well, we do our normal- what we talk about usually

steve:Tits?

ricky:Well, yeah.

steve:Satire! Social and political satire!

ricky:Yeah.

steve:If you listen any other week that's what you would have heard.

ricky:Well, me and Steve are sort of like- quite, you know...

ricky:Oh, Proust!

ricky:I love him

steve:I wish he'd resign as Governor of... France.

ricky:Have you read Martin Amos's new novel?

steve:I love it!

ricky:It's so- it's sooo, lovely

steve:Brilliant.

ricky:Lovely.

steve:It's very long

steve:So oh, politics, though.

steve:What do you make of politics, Rick?

ricky:I- Sorry, I was just... planning on going to the English National Opera tonight to see...

steve:T.A.T.u.?

steve:Yeah

ricky:Politics is brilliant. It's my favorite thing.

steve:Say something satirical and comical about, say, John Prescott.

ricky:Oh, he's got stop eating pies Prescott.

steve:Oh ho ho, I wouldn't like to be him about now!

ricky:So that's the sort of stuff-

steve:What do you make of George W. Bush? He's a bit stupid, isn't it?

ricky:Well, that's the dangerous thing, is the most powerful man in the world. And I just think, I hope he sort of thinks about stuff he does first.

steve:Oh, please, please, please.

steve:So that's a wise as well as comic.

ricky:I thought something about Bush as well, but it's about his name and a woman's fanny. So I was going to bring those two together.

steve:I think that's still quite high brand, because you've incorporated Bush

ricky:Which means the President

steve:Means Fanny as well.

ricky:So I think we're pleasing both camps

steve:We got both camps camps. Camp! That reminds me of something!

ricky:I know, yeah. So that's certainly listening Telegraph.

steve:Daily Telegraph. That is brilliant.

ricky:You're brilliant. You're brilliant

ricky:Too many words for Karl. But what about some adverts?

steve:I'd love some

ricky:Buy the Telegraph!

ricky:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club 'Stop' on XFM 104.9. Well, if Telegraph are listening, they'll be loving the music, they'll be loving the Knob News, coming up, Telegraph... Just keep listening, because Monkey News is coming up. And should we do the results of Rockbusters? The Worst quiz

steve:The best quiz

ricky:The best quiz on radio.

steve:We'll do that shortly. Although probably you're thinking, Rick, isn't it time that we do our usual roundup of what's been happening in the news? Which we always do every week- we always do something, which is I mean, basically, if you're listening and you're a new listener, say you work at a newspaper... We always try to be informative, just try and put stuff out there that just educates people and informs

ricky:What are you thinking? Well, I said Monkey News is coming up, but what have you got?

steve:No, I was just looking on the net there and just find a couple of quite important news stories probably worth mentioning. "Policemen caught photographing.." (laughs)

steve:I don't know why it makes me laugh. It's just a phrasing, I suppose.

ricky:Go on

steve:It's the headline: "Policemen caught photographing up a woman's skirt"

ricky:Now, he wasn't up there taking a picture of Big Ben. He wasn't going "Can I just sit up here? I'm just going take a picture of that seagull over there."

steve:No

ricky:He was facing the camera up a woman's skirt.

steve:He was indeed.

ricky:Right.

steve:"A policeman in Japan is facing disciplinary measures after he was caught photographing upper woman's skirt with a hidden camera while on duty. The 42 year old sergeant- who's not been named- used a digital camera to secretly snap the shots when the woman was reporting a stolen bicycle.

ricky:So he was actually

steve:He was actually doing his proper job, he'd obviously thought to himself "I'll bring him a digital camera today on the off chance a beautiful woman comes in to report a crime or robbery. I'll have it ready, I'll have it positioned in such a way"

ricky:Yeah

steve:But this is interesting. This is how he got caught. Okay? The woman became suspicious after she saw a flash go off.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:I mean...

ricky:Not the secret at all!

steve:Sorry, did I just see your shoe? Your shoe just seemed to just bring into life. It was light.

ricky:Yeah, I think someone set fire to some magnesium in here, it won't happen again.

steve:But it's only you and I in here, and your shoe is... It just lit up

ricky:Why are you standing like that? Why is your shoe just sort of, like, between my feet?

steve:There's no reason. I always stand like this.

ricky:"Just where what did the bike look like?" *Flash* "Are you taking pictures of my fanny?"

steve:No no no no

steve:And no I'm not! And you should be wearing knickers, anyway!

ricky:How do you know that?

steve:What?

ricky:How did you know that I'm not

steve:How did I know what?

ricky:That I'm not wearing any...

steve:I didn't know, I don't know what you've got up there.

steve:I don't know what it looks like. And there's no way I could.

steve:Of course it would be roughly that conversation in Japanese

ricky:I know, yeah

karl:You know... you just mentioned that about sort of no, nickers on that.

ricky:Is this going to be your Auntie Nora?

karl:No no no. It's just like the last flat that I lived in, I always had a good view across the road and I could see it was the Hairy...

steve:There was a Hairy Chinese Kid

karl:Well, not Hairy Chinese Kid, it was just a Chinese kid, actually.

ricky:Cause that's rare innit? Hairy Chinese kid is very rare init? There's only one official sighting, isn't there? In one of those shit little magazines that you buy...

karl:Yeah, he was running around in his underpants.

steve:Sorry, you just swore ironically. I mean, I imagine if there's any newspapers listening you did that because you were just joking around?

ricky:Yeah yeah, let's not swear. Go on.

karl:And it was the old woman who didn't move, she was just sat there reading the book all the time.

ricky:Who we think possibly died, and no one came around for weeks, yeah.

karl:But now I've moved, right? And it was quiet for a bit. I always look at what view I'm getting. Looked across, and was just sort of empty, sort of flats, ready for people to move in and that, right? Anyway, people are in there now.

ricky:Yeah

karl:And they've put all the furniture in, but haven't put any curtains up. So anyway, I'm sort of washing up, just having a look out the window, right? Ehrmm... girl sort of wandering about. No knickers on. Right?

steve:With no knickers on?

ricky:You mean naked?

karl:Well, she had a bra on.

ricky:Right, okay.

steve:She's probably looking for her knickers

karl:So I thought... Ohh...

karl:I don't know how long I was looking

steve:No

karl:Right? But anyway, she looks across

ricky:(quietly) Oh god...

karl:I think she spotted me.

steve:Yeah.

karl:I think "Oh, God" I felt really bad. Said to Suzanne

ricky:Sorry! Is this some sort of Peeping Tom confession while the Telegraph are listening?

steve:(laughs) I have no idea!

karl:That's the thing though

ricky:Peepington.

karl:If I was peeping. She was peeping as well because she was looking over. Works both ways, don't it?

ricky:Yeah. All she could see of you was your bald head.

steve:Yeah.

karl:No

steve:And you're hands moving as you were washing up.

steve:And some white looking substance frothing up

ricky:A particularly stubborn stain on this glass!

steve:Yeah, yeah

ricky:Oh god!

steve:Imagine that! Imagine if she looked across! I'm assuming her sink is lower than the window.

ricky:But did she just like, just cover up or something or she looked back and go "oh, you're looking at my fanny?"

karl:Well, the thing I did

ricky:Go on

karl:I thought, well, just sort of drop me boxes short.

steve:What?!

karl:Cause I thought...Well, Suzanne said "what are you doing?"

steve:What are you talking about? What are you talking about?!

karl:No! Just so they can see me... cheeks of me...

steve:WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

karl:Because I thought, if she thinks I am walking about in the nude as well, then we've both got something out of it.

steve:Karl!

ricky:This sounds like... this sounds like a bad excuse in court.

steve:I know

steve:Or a film on Channel Five.

ricky:I mean, this is like the doctor who got done for exposing himself to a patient and then painted that little thing that you look down there throughout a pink and going to go, this is what they saw!

steve:Yeah

ricky:So sorry, you immediately- So, you were looking at a woman dancing around naked, right? So the only thing you could do was immediately drop your box as shorts!

steve:So she looked across, saw you fully clothed, saw you took your boxers off?

karl:She wouldn't have done because it's sort of just the top half and the sink's at a side angle. So I was sort of looking out

ricky:This is genius!

steve:So she wouldn't have seen your trousers then anyway?

karl:No, she did. I moved in front of the window more.

steve:So you then made-

ricky:(laughing) Ah this is amazing!

steve:So you closed in front of the window... to show off your naked...

karl:No, it wasn't that obvious. Suzanne said "what are you doing?!"

steve:Of course she did!

ricky:"What are you looking at?!"

steve:"I'm sending you in here to clean up..."

ricky:-"What are you doing?" -"I'm just taking my trousers down and stand near the window." -"Why?"

ricky:"Because there's a naked woman across the road! What do you think I'm doing, Suzanne?! I'm exposing myself while looking at some free fanny! What's up with you, Suzanne?!"

karl:Leave it, leave it, leave it

karl:Leave it then, leave it

ricky:Christ!

karl:Are we doing Rockbusters?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:She sent you in there to read up on Einstein!

ricky:Oh brilliant!

steve:Wait a minute!

steve:A final question.

steve:What did the woman across the way- What happened? What was her reaction?

karl:I didn't look again. I just thought, you've seen a bit of action as well, we're both happy. Let's- let's leave it.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:So were you waddling around like a penguin with your treasures when your ankles?

karl:I was walking about and Suzanne said "What you're doing?" I said "I'll explain to you in a bit, but don't look out the window because then..."

ricky:Excellent. Then he sees that she calls her husband to look at Karl walking around naked, he goes "Oh, she's got a... Quick, Suzanne! Get 'em out! There's only one more. Get some more friends! They've gone one more!"

karl:Anyway

ricky:Brilliant. Well, play a record and we'll come back to Rockbusters and Monkey News. We haven't got enough time! Do Rockbusters! Oh, God almighty!

ricky:'Hangin'Round' from Transformer, a little bit of Lou Reed. Nearly finished. Nearly finished. Twelve minutes until we are no more. Ricky Gervais

steve:Don't forget, Monkey News still to come!

ricky:Well, yeah, don't forget that! Monkey News still to come, but now the answers to Rockbusters, right, do the clues.

karl:Alright, the first clue was: This vegetable started its life down under. The initials were K-O. That was "Cauli Osborne". Alright? Cauli Osborne.

karl:The second one...

ricky:No, no! What, are we letting that go?

steve:Yeah, we've got time, Rick.

ricky:Well, it's just- It's not the word! Also cauliflowers don't start down under, they're on top. It's not like

ricky:A carrot

karl:No! Down under as in Osborne.

steve:Aus-born. Born in Aus.

ricky:Osborne! Collie! I thought you meant- Her name is not Cauli!

karl:Right. The second one was... the things that you normally find on the beach, they've been found floating around the Moon. That's the "space shells" = 'Specials'.

ricky:This is robbish! No, this isn't even funny, though. I mean, they're no good at!

karl:Cryptic.

ricky:It's not cryptic, it's wrong.

karl:We always say it's cryptic.

karl:The last one was: well, if you put that many in the post and surprise, I didn't receive one.

ricky:Go on.

karl:That's FC = 50 cent.

ricky:What?

karl:50 cent. Just fifty cent. I didn't receive any so...

ricky:Collie Osborne! Cauli. Her name's not Cauli. Her name is not Cauli.

karl:Doesn't matter

ricky:It doesn't matter?!

steve:Well done to Gina Ferry, who has emailed in. She's got all those answers right

karl:Just email in your address and that.

ricky:You're such an idiot, Karl!

steve:As are you, Gina.

karl:Alright?

ricky:'Loosen Your Hold' by South. That's great. On XFM 104.9. Well, that's nearly it.

steve:Rick, can I just say thanks to everyone who's emailed in over the weeks and months we've been on, because obviously we're too lazy to even send them a response or reply but we do appreciate

ricky:We do appreciate it.

ricky:All the letters and stuff that we can't.

steve:People send stuff in all the time, and they say they like the show, or they don't, or they contribute little ideas and stuff. And we do read them and we do appreciate it. It's just that- When you've got someone like Karl Pilkington in the studio, you just need to pick his brain constantly and you've got no real time for admin. But thank you for sending in all the nice letters and responses.

ricky:Well, finally, we should let people know that from next week for the foreseeable future, it's Adam and Joe.

steve:Brilliant.

ricky:Who are brilliant. And they're standing in for us this time next week.

steve:Well, you say standing in, but possibly replacing full time, unless Karl Pilkington decides to change his mind and come back. What do you think, Karl? You enjoyed today's show, I know.

karl:It's been alright

steve:Yeah? Any- Tempted to come back when we finally return?

ricky:Maybe a little rest to make you sort of, like, forget how annoying I am. Because that is my secret weapon sometimes- Because it's a thing that you can fleece a sheep as many times as you want, you can only skin it once.

steve:Sure

ricky:So what I do is sort of like I never actually completely lose a friend, I tease them and talk to them to the point where they're going to leave me. And I go "oh, anyway, how are you doing?" They go: "Uhhmm" I sort of confuse them. And that's what I've done with you today. And I think over the next couple of months where I'm sort of nicer on the phone and I'm not squeezing your head, you'll go: "he's all right, Rick" Then I get you back in it.

karl:Yeah then I agree to it

ricky:Then I'll absolutely rip you the pieces again. Sooo...

ricky:But hopefully- And also, unlike a lot of my friends who are clever, I don't have to worry about you, because you will forget, because you've got a tiny little intellect.

steve:Exactly!

steve:You'll forget this conversation even took place.

ricky:Anyway, it's what everyone's been waiting for: It's what Karl exists for, for the last time

steve:For the last time

ricky:It's Monkey News, so

steve:Play the jingle!

karl:Right? Are you familiar with 'undredth Monkey?

steve:Keep talking.

ricky:The what?

karl:'undredth Monkey?

ricky:'Undredth?

karl:Yeah, like, as in like, one more than 99

ricky:Hundredth.

steve:The 100th monkey.

karl:Yeah. You're familiar with that?

karl:Well...

ricky:Anyway, thanks! That was Monkey News, next week Adam and Joe. What do you mean I'm going to leave that?

karl:Well, I thought it was a popular phrase or something.

ricky:What, Hundredth Monkey?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:What do you mean, a popular phrase? What- Why? Because you're going to do Songs of Phrase with it next week? We've said it once before. Hundredth Monkey.

karl:No, it just says the expression the Hundredth monkey.

ricky:Well do it anyway, what is the story?

karl:Well, it's from the 1950s, right? And the way they got it because they were following some monkeys about, right? And decided (starts laughing)

steve:Who was?

ricky:Who was?

karl:Journalists.

ricky:Oh, yeah. Why?

steve:Oh, yeah

karl:(laughing) Just to see what they're up to.

steve:Follow some monkeys around. Yeah.

ricky:What was it, a documentary?

karl:Anyway, one of them... (holding back laughter)

ricky:Come on!

steve:Come on.

karl:One of them washed some potatoes.

steve:Right, okay.

karl:Can we leave that one?

ricky:NO! You gotta do it now! They're following a- what is it, a family? A family of monkeys or is it-?

karl:It was just one chimp and it was washing a potato. And they thought that's a bit odd, right?

ricky:Oh yeah.

karl:And it turns out that that ended up teaching another monkey

ricky:Yeah.

karl:How to wash a potato.

ricky:No, they do it. They do. They go down and wash them in the sea because they like the taste of salt.

karl:And the weird thing is, though, when it got to the hundredth monkey, right? Even though it hadn't been taught how to wash a potato, it automatically knew. It knew what to do.

ricky:What do you mean?

steve:Don't know what you're talking about.

karl:It was in them. It was in them that they knew ,that when they get a potato, they had to wash it. That isn't the monkey news. I'm just saying that's where the expression come from but you didn't even hear of that.

ricky:Well, there's a couple of things there... It could be another upshot and you know, an instinct is part of the genetics ending out

karl:Washing a potato

ricky:But you can't pass on acquired characteristics. So that's nonsense. If you mean that someone was taught they had a child and it knew it. There's no there's no chemical memory as such.

karl:That's what was weird.

steve:So that wasn't even the Monkey News?

karl:No, the the Monkey News, you know, we've covered a lot of stuff.

ricky:(sighs) Jesus...

karl:There was sad, sad stuff wasn't it?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:There's some funny stuff in there.

ricky:Yeah yeah yeah.

karl:Ehmmm...

ricky:Do Monkey News!

karl:Football team.

steve:A Monkey Football team?

karl:Yeah, in Costa Rica.

steve:Oh, yeah.

karl:Got all the team members here, right?

steve:(laughs) Right

karl:All the different- Little goalkeeper: Apparently he's on transfer from some other club. But the bit that got me attention is: apparently he's a holder of PhD of Physics.

steve:Only the goalkeeper?

karl:Yeah, just the goalkeeper. The others haven't done that much.

ricky:(laughing) "The others haven't done that much!"

ricky:Well, I believe that he's got a better exam results than you, Karl, but I don't believe he's got a PhD in Physics, obviously.

steve:Do you know what the name of the team is? Coco-nuts.

ricky:So if the Telegraph are listening, that is the sort of quality entertainment you get! Well, you don't anymore...

karl:Let's just put a song on there.

ricky:Yeah, that's the end. Goodbye everybody. Have a lovely summer. The rest of it. And we might see you in October, we might not. It's up to Karl Pilkington

steve:Chances are slim.

ricky:So call 0-2-0-7-7-66-6000, ask for Karl Pilkington

steve:Or email him.

karl:What's this?

steve:This is Tim Buckley to end with. I think you'll enjoy this, It's called Once I Was.

ricky:Call Andrew Phillips.

steve:See ya!