XFM Vault - S02E51 Transcript

ricky: Five past one then, already, on a Saturday, so I'm Ricky Gervais, that was Placebo, yeh, with "Special Needs" which brings me to my next point. With me, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Karl Pilkington, there he is.

ricky: And Steve Merchant. 104.9

steve: That's it.

ricky: We're back then.

steve: Well, for one last time.

ricky: Well, it's certainly the end of the season. We're away for at least, you know, 2 months. We're doing the Office Special, um, and possibly forever depending on whether Karl decided he wants to carry on with this. Because, I mean, we do this for fun, we don't need to do this, we don't need to do this for, you know, um, money, obviously not.

steve: The kind of money you're earning, Rick, you do not need to do this.

ricky: I don't think so. It's, quite honestly, beneath me.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know. We don't need to do it to further our career because it's embarrassing being on Xfm.

steve: You know people say, "Don't even bother cashing those Xfm cheques. It's not worth your while."

ricky: No, it's not, it's not. Yeah, the time it took to sign them, it wasn't, it wasn't worth it. Um, so, we do this basically ridicule Karl on a large sort of platform, I say, large platform.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Xfm. Um, no other radio station will have us.

steve: I mean, it's roughly the same as standing up in McDonald's

ricky: I'd imagine so. But, over lunchtime though.

steve: Yeah, yeah, or when its just the cleaning staff wobbling around.

ricky: Yeah. So, er, and if Karl doesn't come back, he's breaking up the three-way partnership.

steve: He's very much Sting, isn't he, in what, about 1986, '87.

ricky: Exactly.

steve: He's gonna go off and, sort of, make some quite poor, sort of, jazz-inflected white man's soul leaving us to go about our business.

ricky: Play pizza places and...

steve: Exactly. Yeah. Well I'm going to go in to, sort of,...

ricky: Say, "Dad, why can't I be in the CIA?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "You don't know anything about it. You're a drummer."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, so, uh, we'll, we'll have to see, I mean, do you think anyone cares?

steve: I wouldn't have thought so. Because, if someone was interesting in having some good chat and some great laughs, they'd spend more time with their friends

ricky: Yeah. Or listen to another radio station.

steve: Or listen to a decent radio station.

ricky: Jonathan Ross or something like that, yeah.

steve: I think they listen to Xfm for some music in the background that's loud enough...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So they can hear it while they're hoovering.

ricky: Yeah, I don't think our fans hoover.

steve: Well, true, true.

ricky: I think you've got to have...

steve: Or shoot up, whatever.

ricky: I think you've got to have a house to hoover. I'll tell you what they do want though. Some great music.

steve: They do, indeed.

ricky: They'll be saying, "Since you've been gone...". See that, that's the sort of link I can do.

steve: Oh, that's quite quality.

ricky: If we stayed together...

steve: If you cut out all the other drivel you speak, you'd be great on Magic.

ricky: I know, yeah. Um, you've got...

steve: Come on.

ricky: You've got, I know, you've got to rainbow something, haven't you?

steve: Rainbow?

ricky: You've got to rainbow something!

steve: It's Rainbow.

ricky: Well, I mean for a last show that song had everything. It's got two guitar solos.

steve: Yes

ricky: It's got a key change. It's got bad grammar - "Since you bin gone" by Rainbow and that's for Camfield, the prince of rock.

steve: Yeah

ricky: He's going to be the king when Vance, you know, just hands over his crown.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you've still got that on Xfm. So you know. Don't worry about us going. Oh you weren't? Oh okay then. No one cares.

steve: No one cares...

ricky: No one cares. This is our last show. Lets make it a good one!

steve: Let me give out the email address because I imagine there's going to be a flood of emails.

ricky: Saying "please karl, keep the team together".

steve: It's "johnno.colman@".

ricky: Colman's not a team. He's just a big lad. right come on.

steve: Erm, what do you mean come on? I've got nothing.

steve: Ricky.gervais@Xfm.co.uk

ricky: Or karl.pilkington because you can do it throughout the week. You can do it throughout the two months. And erm, what's the phone number for Xfm? 0-2-0-7 is it 7-66-6000? And then just ask to be put though to Karl and leave a message on his voicemail.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Erm, so email him a lot. 0-2-0-7 7-66 6000...

steve: Who cares

ricky: ...I think, and just ask for Karl Pilkington. Little Karl Pilkington. Little baldy manc twit.Uhh, and say "please stay". "Please stay". Erm, Karl. Say something then. It's your last show.

steve: How are you?

ricky: Say hello.

steve: What are you feelings Karl so far? I mean are you tearful? Are you upset?

karl: Not at all. I can't wait for 3 o'clock.

karl: [inaudible] lose interest in me, how Ricky was saying he only does it for the fun. I haven't even got that.

karl: I am paid peanuts to work Saturdays. It wrecks my weekend.

steve: Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

karl: I have no fun.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

ricky: You're having a laugh? You love this! You love this! You love me coming in and having a little chat before hand and after.

karl: Yeah but that's the funny thing isn't it? Listeners just think "why does he get so moody about it having Ricky annoying him just on a Saturday?"

ricky: Yep!

karl: It's not just of a Saturday.

ricky: Why?

karl: It's in the week as well.

ricky: How do I annoy you?!

karl: [inaudible]

ricky: How do I annoy you?!

karl: Daily [inaudible]...

ricky: HOW DO I ANNOY YOU KARL? See you can't... be specific.

karl: Erm...

ricky: See!

karl: The first thing that springs to mind when I'm trying to work with Steve before saying "Come on lets find some interesting stuff to talk about", I think you were playing the accordion? In my ear. Was it the accordion?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah

karl: It doesn't really matter. They get the idea.

ricky: Although I can't play the accordion so it wasn't very good was it?

steve: Where did you find an accordion?

ricky: I just [inaudible] out there, right, and then I...

karl: Next to the drum kit.

ricky: And then I had a loudspeaker and I put the accordion in front of the loudspeaker. Isn't it loud those loudspeakers? They're amazing.

steve: My question is this Karl. Do you honestly think that's going to stop just because we're not on air anymore? He's not going to see you on a Saturday so he's just going to come in even more often.

ricky: Yeah I can just drop in.

karl: He won't bother me as much though.

steve: I think he will...

karl: And he'll have his fob taken off him so he won't be able to just wander in.

ricky: Course I won't!

steve: What, they're not... do you think they're... they're... of course they're going to let Ricky Gervais walk in any time he wants.

ricky: Yeah I might come in, might do a few trailers, might hang out - you know - with Andrew going "hey Andrew how's it going?" he'd go "yeah having a bit of trouble what do you think?" I'd say "lose that off the playlist! Put that one on! Sack them!"

steve: Yeah

ricky: Yeah, lets have a little bit of Feeder.