XFM Vault - S03E02 Transcript

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah – Darkness. I Believe in a Thing Called Love, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, You’re..

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Steve Merchant, are you sure? That’s little Karl Pilkington over there. Where is he?

steve: There he is. Yeah.

ricky: There he is. All right?

steve: Hee-hee!

ricky: Ayyyyy! Back together again.

steve: The old gang.

ricky: Yeah, started last week.

steve: A triumphant return.

ricky: Think it went well last week, didn’t it, Karl? Good show, wasn’t it?

steve: You loved it, didn’t you, Karl?

karl: Brilliant wannit.

ricky: Yeah? Now, uh, you weren’t speaking to Suzanne last week at this time.

ricky: Because, she had her hair cut, probably quite an expensive haircut, she’s a lady in media, she’s got to look good, so she goes, probably doesn’t go to the barber like you, or just shave it, at home, probably spent quite a little bit of money on it. She came home, she thought, my, my – my sweetheart-

steve: My lover –

ricky: My lover, my sweetheart, you know what I mean? The man in my life, is gonna love this –

steve: Well he adores everything about me, he’s gonna love my hair.

ricky: She walked in – ‘Hello Karl’ ‘All right? You look like Dave Hill from Slade’

ricky: Is what you said to the poor woman. And THEN! Talked about it on air, she was furious about that. So what did you do?

steve: Did she listen, Karl?

karl: She did listen, yeah. And she wasn’t happy.

steve: She heard you were slagging her hair off.

karl: Yeah. Well... well what annoys me...

ricky: This is probably annoying her now.

karl: No, no, it doesn’t matter, we can do a lot today because she’s at work.

ricky: And of course no one’s gonna tell her!

karl: Let’s have a chat about her fat arse!

steve: Oh dear. Oh dear.

ricky: You are in so much trouble!

ricky: Look – he’s realised . He has... he is a little bit worried! Oh! Didn’t – didn’t you go and buy her a coat or summat?

karl: Took her, took her out on Sunday, treated her to a new coat and that...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I offered as well, I said, I said I’d pay to her to have it done again.

ricky: OH! NO! KARL! Oh!

ricky: OH MY CHRIST.

steve: So she listened to the show, what did she say? You got home – she’d heard you slaggin’ her hair off.

ricky: I mean, imagine, imagine that – he thinks that’s a good thing. Sorta like ‘We'vw won the pools!’ ‘Brilliant! What we doing?’ ‘Well you can have facial surgery now, love!’

ricky: It’s sorta like … it’s just … Christ! You offered to have it done again. Unbelievable.

karl: (Stammers) I got home and, uh, she’s like all, bit moody with me. All right?

ricky: You thought, ‘Summat’s wrong, she must’ve listened to the show, when I waas slaggin’ off her hair’.

steve: Well his first thought probably was ‘She’s probably looked at herself in the mirror. She agrees with me’.

ricky: Yup. The barber’s been round again! Yeah?

karl: And um, she just said, ‘Aw, that wasn’t very nice of you, was it?’ So I just said ‘Hang on a minute.’ I said, ‘That’s, that’s what we do on the show. When I’m slaggin’ off, you know, Chinese people lookin’ old or whatever,’ I said ‘You never interfere’.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I love the fact...

steve: She’s got to get her priorities straight.

ricky: I love the fact that she’s in the same queue as a billion people you’ve never met.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s fantastic. She’s in the same queue. 'Well … you didn’t complain, love...'

steve: ‘Cause Karl, I don’t think Karl has ever admitted he might be in the wrong, ever. Certainly not to you or I.

ricky: That is so true!

steve: Isn’t it?

ricky: That is SO TRUE!

steve: He’s never admitted that he might be in the wrong. So did you, in this instance, agree that maybe you’d overstepped the mark?

karl: No – I just said she, she took it badly.

karl: Do you know what I mean? I mean it’s only a haircut.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: See – you haven’t seen it. So, you can’t, you can’t start interfering.

steve: Sure. Yeah, OK.

ricky: I haven’t seen it. But I, I very much doubt she looks like Dave Hill from Slade. Who, unless I’m mistaken, used to cut his hair with garden sheers blindfolded.

ricky: Um, so – you know what I mean? And did her teeth stick out and did she start speakin’ with a Brummie accent as well?

karl: Got used to it now anyway.

steve: So you bought – so at one point, at some point you came crawling back and said, ‘Do you want me to buy you a coat?’

karl: I just said ‘Let’s, let’s leave that. Let’s go out, and have a good weekend. Get your hat before we go.'

karl: And uh...

ricky: Oh God!

karl: Treated her to a new coat and that.

ricky: Ohhhh.

karl: It’s a nice coat, so it takes, people will look at that rather than...

ricky: The hair.

karl: ...lookin’ at the head.

ricky: What’s it do? Flash? It’s got obscenities across the back?

steve: If anyone who knows Karl’s girlfriend is listening...

ricky: Tell her.

steve: And uh, maybe you’re a work colleague and you’re listening to the show.

ricky: Cos I think this is terrible.

steve: Get her to phone him NOW.

ricky: Get her to phone him now, I mean, forget the hair.

steve: ...on the Xfm number...

ricky: What, what’s the fat arse complaint line? Because you are in deep shite.

ricky: Cemetery Gates, by The Smiths. Of course, off The Queen is Dead, album. Lovely tune. Makes you happy, doesn’t it?

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: It’s a nice song about dead people.

steve: Yeah. Beautiful. I uh, just wondering, Rick, what your opinions, what your thoughts are on, Britney Spears.

ricky: Uh – liked a couple. Bit bored. She’s - I think she’s panicking a little bit, I think she’s a bit desperate with all this Madonna stuff...

steve: Yeah, all the kind of lesbian...

ricky: Yeah, I dunno, I dunno. Um, dunno – yeah, she’s all right. I’ve got nothing against the girl.

steve: Well I read, I think it was in Hot Tickets magazine, free with the Evening Standard … um, ooh – I might get some free Evening Standards now! I’ve plugged that!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I um, was just reading in there, that, I don’t know if this is still gonna happen but apparently she was gonna do a, uh, a little cheeky appearance at G.A.Y.

ricky: G.A.Y?

steve: In, um, in London. And uh, obviously, I was quite excited, ‘cause I’m a Spears fan –

ricky: D’ya – Sorry, you know what that spells, don’t ya?

steve: G.A.Y?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Gay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah. Well I think it is a gay club.

ricky: Oh, sure go on.

steve: This is what – this is what I was ascertaining from the article.

ricky: Ohhh... so... that’s what they’ve said … they’ve called it, what, sort of what it is.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And um, and perhaps she was gonna be, um, be previewing some of her new album live on stage, at G.A.Y. Now that’s an intimate venue, normally you get to see someone like Spears probably Wembley Arena, somewhere -

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I’m thinkin’, ‘I’m a Spears fan. Get a couple of the gang together’

ricky: Yeah – some of the lads.

steve: Y’ know. Exactly.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah.

steve: Cruise down there. But um, but then I read on in the article that apparently, the doormen at G.A.Y., were only gonna let in – uhhh – regulars. And the way they were gonna ascertain if you were a regular was by asking a series of questions at the door.

ricky: What – testing if you were really –

steve: Testing – now, I don’t know if the questions would be about the interior of G.A.Y.

ricky: Or the interior of, someone else, yeah.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, or just general, kind of –

ricky: What – well, do you reckon you woulda passed the, uh, the test?

steve: Well that’s what I was wondering –

ricky: So, so you’d have had to pretend to be –

steve: G.A.Y.

ricky: G.A.Y, to get in, to see Spears. Now that –

steve: Can you say ‘gay’ on the radio?

ricky: Yep. I think so. Um, but, it’s irony, isn’t it. So you’re pretending to be gay to get into a club to see, a bird you like?

steve: Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah.

ricky: I’ll – I’ll give you a little quick test.

steve: All right.

ricky: Shall I? Um, all right. Uh – all right – what’s, sorry, what’s your name? Mate?

steve: Um … Paulo.

ricky: All right, Paulo?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, right, you haven’t done a lot with your hair – you just sorta let it, sorta let it grow out, I mean, would you be puttin’ product on a bit later, ‘cause I mean, you don’t look, very, I mean, sort of like, you look sort of quite...

steve: Quite masculine, quite –

ricky: Yeah, well, sorta like, like you didn’t care, like you have no care about how you look, like you’re a –

steve: Yeah well normally it would be shaved.

ricky: Ahh, OK. You say normally, now that would, that looks like about, like 3 months growth there. Why would you...

steve: I’ve been ill.

ricky: Nothing serious?

steve: Nothing serious.

ricky: OK.

steve: No, that’s why, I’ve let it, grow. So it’s, grown...

ricky: OK! So what, what time would you normally be goin’ out then?

steve: Normally I’d go out about, sort of, uh, I’d go out about 8ish.

ricky: 8 — 8:00 in the evening, you’d go out!

steve: No no no no no...

ricky: ‘Cause that sounds, sounds a bit early. That’s what - nor–

steve: No, I’d go out about, 3 in the morning, normally.

ricky: Right. So I (mutters)... so that’s right, that’s right, yeah. Where’d you go, sort of, Old Compton Street for a coffee and then, on to, G.A.Y.

steve: Something like that.

ricky: With your little shaved – head. UM, OK, well, d’- d’ – you’re doin’ fine, you sounded great –

steve: Sounding pretty gay.

ricky: Can I just ask you one final question?

steve: Do I get bender points?

ricky: I’ll give you 20 bender points, I’m just gonna let you in, I’m just gonna tell the guards to let you in, BUT, there’s just one more question: Do you prefer... knobs or tits, Paulo?

steve: Ho! Well, uh, knobs.

ricky: Knobs. You like knobs, do ya? Can’t get enough, knobs, so you, what, you hate tits, I assume?

steve: Yesss.

ricky: You hate tits do ya?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Oh-kay. What – even Liza Minnelli’s?

steve: I don’t know what to say! I – yeah … I love hers.

ricky: But not in a, straight way.

steve: Not in a straight way, in a gay way.

ricky: So, OK. OK. So you love knobs more than tits, right. OK, OK. In ya go!

steve: Brilliant! Thanks very much.

ricky: You know Britney’s on, do ya?

steve: Aw, she’s so sexy.

ricky: Ohh.

steve: See? That’s what would give me away...

ricky: I know.

steve: It’s like The Great Escape.

ricky: It’s just – the last.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Well, you, (stammers) I think you’re probably a bit 'bi'.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah. But I mean, go in anyway.

steve: Thanks very much.

ricky: OK, drinks are quite expensive. Pop your shirt off, will ya.

ricky: Hey-ya. Outkast. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. You all right, Karl?

karl: Yeah yeah yeah, not bad. Just um … when you were talkin’ just now, about, about the gay stuff, right, I don’t know if you saw, uh, thing in the week, about the fella, who’s on that, quiz show.

ricky: Who?

steve: Ohhh. Right. OK.

karl: Sort of -

ricky: Who?

karl: Gay fella … straight, sort of man. Man-woman.

ricky: What you talkin’ about? What? Tell me the … r- right- w-what did you see? Tell me what you saw.

karl: It’s uh –

ricky: This is like a kid come runnin’ in, and he’s seen somethin’ frightening, and it could be an alien, could be a ghost, could be a paedophile, and you’ve got to get exactly what actually he saw out of him. Right, what did you actually see?

karl: Just this, this fella who’s, uh, who’s a woman.

ricky: Right –

ricky: Right! OK! Right, try and talk, like a – human being. Right.

karl: See it’s a quiz show, that’s comin’ on the telly. And um, it’s this, this woman –

ricky: Uh! Right! Is it a fella who’s a woman, or is it a woman?

karl: Bit ‘a both, that’s why I’m talkin’ about it.

ricky: But what do you mean?! Is it a pre-op...

karl: I’ll tell you about it!

ricky: ...is it a transsexual...

karl: I’ll tell you about it!

ricky: ...a transvestite, is it...

karl: I’ll tell you about it!

ricky: ...a lady boy, is it a hermaphrodite, what is it?

karl: I’ll tell you about it!

ricky: Well tell me!

karl: I’m tellin’ you! It’s, it’s, it’s a woman. Well, it’s a man –

ricky: OH! For-- forget it! Play a record!

steve: No, come on.

ricky: What?

karl: Is, it’s, it’s –

ricky: IT?

karl: It is a man. He is a man. Well –

ricky: OH CHRIST!

karl: It’s a TV program where, they’ve got this –

ricky: Transvestite? Or television?

karl: It is a transvestite, yeah... But, but the problem is – I’ll tell ya, just, ‘cause you don’t know about it, the program is -

ricky: I – I still don’t know about it! I don’t know anything about it, still, I don’t know anything – ‘Woman – man – man – woman – man. Man – woman – TV – TV program – TV!’

karl: No, it’s a man who is now sort of half a woman.

ricky: A man who’s now half a woman!

karl: No, well this is what’s weird about it! He, he’s got the top half, but not the bottom half sorted out.

ricky: What you mean, he – he’s got breasts and a wig, but he’s still got his, his boys, downstairs. He’s –

karl: Why you do that?

ricky: His captain and the boys, are still there in his Y-fronts...

karl: Why have that?

ricky: ...but upstairs he’s got a lovely pair of dumplings.

karl: Why do that?

ricky: Well, he’s halfway through!

karl: But why not get it done in one, one go?

steve: Maybe he couldn’t afford it!

karl: Well, wait, till you you’ve got all the money! That just looks a mess.

karl: And who’s he pleasing, there?

steve: Well, everyone!

ricky: Well he wakes in the morning, pleasin’ himself, he can’t believe his luck! He doesn’t know where to start!

karl: No, but what I don’t understand, I mean, I don’t – I don’t want to seem —

ricky: Can I just finish that sentence? What you don’t understand is just about everything.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right. What, what —

karl: I find it weird, right, I sort of get – I, I understand the gay thing, right?

ricky: Do ya? What’d’ya mean?

karl: But – well – I, I know...

ricky: Well tell me the gay thing. Explain the gay thing.

karl: Well, I just know if, you’re a fella, you like, you like men. I don’t know, much more than that.

ricky: What’d’ya mean, you don’t know –

karl: Well what I mean is, with transvestites, what’s going on there? Wh-what do they want?

ricky: Transvestite is, is, is a, a cross dresser.

karl: (pause) See – I don’t, I don’t get that either. Because...

ricky: You mean a transsexual.

steve: Normally, that’s a man, who likes to dress in women’s clothing. It’s not necessarily, they’re not necessarily gay -

ricky: They’re not gay, they’re often not gay –

steve: They just happen to like wearing women’s clothes.

karl: But, but, then why not wear women’s clothes, that, could be seen as a bloke’s? Like – Suzanne wears jeans.

ricky: No, but they – that’s the thing –

karl: Just buy woman’s jeans.

ricky: (Stammers) But – but that’s their problem, isn’t it. They, they, they like being seen as a, as a, as a, as a woman. They like being seen as a woman. It’s not just that it’s more comfortable, or they’d wear a kilt. They like being seen as a woman. They feel more comfortable.

karl: (pauses) All right. And what’s the deal with this fella who’s got –

steve: We don’t know who this fella is.

ricky: No. We don’t know this man who’s half a woman.

karl: He’s called Miriam.

steve: Oh, that’s helped.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: I love this, scientific basis –

steve: No, I think —

ricky: So, all he’s done, he’s, he’s had the tits done, he’s probably had the hormones, probably lived as a woman for awhile, the last step, ‘cause you could probably reverse the breasts anyway, ‘cause they’re, they’re probably implants, and hormonal things, and, whereas, y’ ya’ chop your knob and, um, boys off, that’s, uh, you have that the next day and go, ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that – I wanted me ears pierced. It’s a bit more of a bigger operation, to put them back. So, doctors are probably making sure that he’s –

karl: Surely you’ve had the top half done, you’re not going to go back on what, you’ve said?

ricky: But then, what’s the top half being done? You mean, you, I could – I could have, get you breast implants, give you a bit of hormonal treatment –

steve: Now that would be a great idea for next week’s show.

ricky: And, and you could reverse it. What you can’t do is grow a knob back.

steve: Well, you can! Last week was all about growing one on your arm!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We’ve done that.

steve: So that is possible. But the thing is, the truth of it is, is, I think I do know about this story. I think it was a television program called "There’s Something about Miriam."

ricky: Oh!

steve: The conceit of which was that this pre-op, transsexual –

ricky: So I guessed that right. Yeah.

steve: Um, was masquerading as a woman.

ricky: Right.

steve: And, various blokes, under – who didn’t realize that this was a man – had to, um...

ricky: (gasps) Oh, I’ve heard about this!

steve: Try to seduce – him/her. And, when they found out that it was actually a bloke, and they, a lot of them had kissed, uh, him/her. They um –

ricky: I agree.

steve: They err, they refused to let it be shown.

ricky: I agree though, I I, that's terrible.

steve: Yeah, it's absurd.

ricky: But I mean, you know, that's awful, I yeah I, I hated that

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, so what erm...

steve: I think it was a Sky One programme, is there anything other than The Simpsons on Sky One worth watching?

ricky: No.

steve: Have you ever tried to watch that programme, have you ever seen Kirsty's Home Videos?

ricky: Yes.

steve: Weh wa wa wa...

ricky: But it's things like dogs on a slide, babies falling over err.

steve: Do you know it's only recently reduced from an hour in length.

ricky: Really?

steve: Used to be an hour long, and it's just, if you havn't seen it it's just camcorder footage like 'You've Been Framed'.

ricky: D'you know what i like?

steve: People falling over.

ricky: I like an old woman at a wedding falling over and showing her bloomers.

ricky: That's my favourite.

steve: But i like it when it's Kirsty's err Home Videos Uncut, so it's kind of 4 old women like naked.

ricky: With their tits falling out.

steve: Windsurfing.

ricky: Aww christ, imagine that. Does it whistle?

steve: Well I...

steve: It's just a it's just I mean, have you ever really sat and watched anything on Sky One.

ricky: No.

steve: That wasn't.

ricky: The Simpsons.

steve: Or Star Trek.

ricky: I think that's what, that's what I watch, I think that's pretty much what I watch.

steve: Or wrestling.

ricky: Wrestling?

steve: They have WWF Wrestling, cartoons, and just the worst programmes I mean it's appalling.

ricky: I have seen a bit of the wrestling, it's it's hilarious, it is hilarious.

steve: But it's like a, like a station made by, a fourteen year old boy.

ricky: Yeah, well I think that, think that's probably what it is isn't it, I mean that, that's exactly the demographic, Do you like Sky One Karl?

karl: Err, I havn't got, havn't got satellite have I so.

ricky: Why not why not?, I'd have thought you'd have loved that.

karl: I know I would love it, I'd love a bit of that.

ricky: Discovery channel's all about.

karl: I know I know.

ricky: Slugs and that.

karl: I know.

ricky: Weird stuff and that.

karl: I know.

ricky: Chimps.

karl: I was reading about slugs the other day.

ricky: There's a thing err on one of the channels called Monkey Business.

karl: Yeah, I watch that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Cos I was doing that thing wasn't I, with Richard Bacon.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Where you watch the telly and that and...

ricky: You talk in riddles.

steve: Hmmm.

ricky: You actually talk riddles and forget, play a record.

steve: You should be the gatekeeper at some kind of Dungeons and Dragons.

steve: Kind of quiz game.

ricky: "Alright? yea" "Let me enter" "Alright yeah but I was doing that thing with Richard Bacon". What can he mean? What can he mean, he is the wise one. Play a record.

steve: There a man who's also a woman.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: The upper half is, but is the bottom?

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Bit of Clash.

steve: Arr yeah.

ricky: Come on.

steve: Trail in Vain Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Johnny Cash, Hurt, on Xfm 104.9, that's brilliant isn't it?

steve: Good.

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl, Pilkington. So, what've we done? We've done gays, transvestites, have we done knob news yet or...

steve: It's nice that you can talk about pre-op transsexuals nowadays on the radio.

ricky: I know.

steve: You know without the fear of complaints or listeners.

ricky: Listeners! That's the thing, if we had any listeners we'd get complaints wouldn't we.

steve: We really would.

ricky: We'd get some serious complaints if anyone cared enough.

steve: That's why we havn't gone to a a decent station, with you know a big audience.

ricky: We could never do, on a real radio station we could never do this could we.

karl: Why not, why not? See I'm not doing this to mess about and offend anyone, I think it's an interesting topic.

steve: What, you talking gobbledegook, not really knowing what on earth you're on about.

ricky: Karl! For the first 5 minutes you couldn't talk.

karl: What?

steve: Ok let's erm.

ricky: Although although we've you know, who's the biggest most professional person in radio, it's probably Terry Wogan isn't it.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And isn't it you that said you can't tell what the sentence he's saying because.

steve: No.

ricky: He keeps going up at the end before and after.

steve: But there's never any fluctuations.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So he'll just segue from one point to the next and he'll be like 'Going on my holidays Friday we're having a lovely time says Mrs Derbyshire...

steve: Of Westminster, I'm thinking of going to Greece'

ricky: Aww and it's.

steve: 'So he's...

ricky: So he's got his knobs, but he's still got the tits.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah, typical, typical. "Oh hello Paulo".

steve: "Hello there."

ricky: "Do you want to come into my club to see?

steve: "Yeah I love, yeah Britney Spears I'm a massive fan".

ricky: "Yeah, well it doesn't start for a while but it's err only about 8 O'Clock and it's you know, you're not going out for hours yet are you? 'Bout 8 or something, but erm".

steve: "No, nah nah".

ricky: "Might as well watch a bit of telly, we've got err FA cup final".

steve: "Ooh".

ricky: "Oh, just err, that's a good one isn't it, or we've got erm the Eurovision Song Contest, what do you want to watch Paulo?"

steve: "Mmm blimy blimy, well I love all the erm camp and lame".

ricky: "Right".

steve: "Of the Eurovision Song Contest but I, aww, is that David Beckham playing? Cos I love him and his hair and his legs".

ricky: "I see what you've done".

steve: "And everything".

ricky: "So you want to watch the football".

steve: "Yeah yeah yeah".

ricky: "But you'll be mainly looking at the...".

steve: "The the legs and the tight tight shorts".

ricky: "So while Beckham's knocking them in".

steve: "Exactly".

ricky: "You'll be..."

steve: "Knocking one erm..."

ricky: Right, let's err...

steve: Did you noticed I mean I don't, I mean I never really but when you see old clips of say early 80s footballers, the shorts are much tighter aren't they.

ricky: I think I mean, I don't know, I don't look, I don't look.

steve: I don't know I wasn't really looking.

ricky: Do you, I remember Karl said saying when he went and there was two strippers, and bloke and a woman, and they whipped off their clothes at the same time, and you looked straight at the boys pack...

karl: Yeah, everybody would, you would've done.

ricky: Right.

karl: You do do.

ricky: You do do? You look at his do do, what do you mean?

ricky: You look at his do do, what.

karl: No I was just saying the, if you were there you woulda done the same, two people on the stage.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Woman, and a man, they were getting their clothes off.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Right, the fella, took his pants off the same time as the girl took her knickers off.

ricky: Yeah, right.

karl: Right, all I'm saying is it's human nature, to have a have a quick look, have a quick glance, see what's going on.

ricky: See what's going on! What do you mean?

karl: I wanted, and I wanted to look at the woman but she put her knickers back on quick.

ricky: She didn't live opposite from you did she?

steve: But just sorry, just to return briefly to the shorts question, I...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Suddenly cos in the 30s and 40s they were huge shorts weren't they.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I mean generally massive like.

ricky: Yeah huge.

steve: A small child could wear them as trousers they were so.

ricky: I think that had to do with comfort and decency though isn't it.

steve: And then, but by the sort of eighties, there was barely any shorts there.

ricky: I think that was fashion.

steve: But it's weird that it's, you feel like at someone point someones gone "Guys, I mean good game today but".

ricky: They've gone too small.

steve: "This is ludicrous!"

ricky: But that's what happened isn't it because you know things get bigger and bigger and bigger, and then they get smaller and smaller and smaller.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And fashion, sort of like Flares, Drainpipes.

steve: Yep yer yep yep.

ricky: Heels, flat.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Tall hats, flat haaats.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What do you make of the miniskirt?

ricky: Err, long hair, skinhead. Miniskirt err again I dunno they I, I'm sure there's been 10 resurgences of miniskirts since '65 or whatever it was, you know it's fashion so the short. You know what, d'yer know what I think Steve? I think the shorts'll get smaller again before we die.

ricky: I think we'll see one more tight little packet or Premiership footballers running round with their offal squeezed like, like the last chicken in a butcher's window.

steve: Almost protruding.

ricky: Wrapped up, yeah. Imagine if they just wore cling-film shorts so you could just see what was happening in there, Karl? Where would you look then? Cos you like football don't yer?

karl: We doing Rockbusters?

karl: Ooh we gotta do a bit of Rockbusters.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: Right, err we brought it back, this is err, where I give a cryptic clue.

ricky: Well...

karl: And some initials, and you work it out and you win some stuff.

steve: Yeah, I was gonna tell you what the prizes are, needless to say, they're mediocre prizes for a mediocre quiz.

ricky: Sure ok yeah, well there's DVDs and VHS yeah, yeah yeah yeah VHS who's still…

karl: Couple of videos and DVDs and that. Right so there's 3, three of them, and what you can do now, we've tweeked it a bit.

steve: Ok.

karl: You can text in, right, so you can e-mail or text.

ricky: We've tweeked it a bit.

karl: Right?

steve: 83Xfm is the text, or it's [email protected]

ricky: Is that what it is, 83XFM?

steve: That's it.

ricky: That is good though, and it's convenient, cos who's got their laptop up and running and...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Texting, so you just need your phone, brilliant.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Mine couldn't do that, I don't know how to do that on my phone, I don't know how to get.

karl: What do you mean?

ricky: Eh? My brother wanted my post code, he said text it to me, I couldn't work out how to do W C and 1.

steve: That's because you're an old man.

ricky: So I had to, had to write out double you see one.

steve: Oh for goodness sake.

ricky: Cos I didn't know how to do it, I just, I wouldn't do it for me.

steve: Pathetic.

ricky: It's ridiculous, go on.

karl: Well, it's 83936 if you have that problem, right?

steve: Right come on, get on with the quiz, I don't know, there's too many numbers.

karl: Three, three, err, three clues, here we go, first one is err, "This Teletubby has got lice".

steve: "This Teletubby has got lice".

karl: "This Teletubby has got lice".

steve: Right.

karl: The initial there is P, so it's a band or an artist that starts with P, and the clue is "This Teletubby has got lice". Right?

steve: Yep.

karl: Erm, second one.

ricky: I'm really already not holding out much hope for this...

steve: I know.

ricky: ...working out, go on.

karl: Err, right, second one, I've just messed that first one up.

ricky: Arr for f-, christ.

karl: But when I give it out later it'll be, we'll, I'll sneak it in without - right, just don't repeat anything I say.

ricky: You're an idiot.

steve: Play a record.

ricky: You really are an idiot.

ricky: Play a record!

karl: No, but...

ricky: Play a record! Play a record, you're a fool. Play a record.

karl: No, but let me just…

ricky: No, no, no, no, you've ruined it.

steve: Press the button, press the button, it's off, ludicrous.

ricky: Red Vines, by Amy Mann, brilliant that isn't it?

steve: Very good.

ricky: On Xfm, 104.9. Well erm, Karl, mucked up Rockbusters, as usual, I mean I like it when me mucks it up early because it doesn't waste people's lives for 40 minutes, realising that he's mucked it up at the end.

steve: Yep.

ricky: So obviously, people are already, they know what it is, they know what it is already, they've said well it's Po-lice isn't it? You meant to say nits instead of lice.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You're an idiot, so that one's gone, so what have you got next?

karl: Right so that's just an idea if you haven't heard it before that's, that's how me 'ead works. Right, "This Teletubby's got nits".

ricky: So, Po.

karl: P, so Po is a Teletubby.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Err, and then it's lice.

ricky: So when he says it's not only what the what the answer is, it's what the question was meant to be.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So.

karl: Alright, so there's only two so, you've got even a better chance, of winning and that.

ricky: Well.

karl: So, second one is "I'm saving that money to buy condoms". Alright, think about it.

ricky: Easy, too easy.

karl: J, JC.

ricky: Yeah well that's too, everyone's got that one, I feel like saying it now.

karl: Yeah, but don't say it now.

ricky: That's that's rubbish.

karl: Yeah well you've got the have an easy one in there otherwise people'd get bored don't they.

ricky: First one was easy, you gave them the answer.

karl: Yeah but hang on.

ricky: That's the easiest one we've ever had Po-lice.

karl: And the, and the second one is err "When you're making bread, add a little bit of colour for a change". Alright? When you're making bread, add a little bit of colour, just change things a little bit.

steve: What are the initials.

karl: D.

steve: Just D.

karl: Just D, right?

steve: Right.

karl: So, what you've got there, I'm saving that money to buy condoms, initials JC.

ricky: Yeah that's easy yeah, next.

karl: An err, an when you're making some bread, just chuck some colour in there.

steve: Sure.

karl: And d'yer know what I mean, change it a bit.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: Yeah yeah, clue, the clue changes everytime.

ricky: The clue changes everytime, unlike the Times crossword, the clue changes everytime it's said.

steve: 93Xfm if you want to text in.

steve: Or it's [email protected]

karl: Win some stuff and that.

ricky: Rubbish, pointless.

ricky: David Bowie, and Waterloo Sunset, love that loved the original.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Love that one love the original on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Good work to David Bowie and The Kinks.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah big time, big time.

steve: Erm.

ricky: Reading the paper there Steve.

steve: Yeah erm well I don't normally read the paper.

ricky: No.

steve: But erm I was having a glance through the Daily Express, does anyone read the Daily Express.

ricky: Well you do at the moment look.

steve: Well true.

ricky: Live on air.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Read it out and then about 400 people'll know what's in it.

steve: I was just reading, I was obviously attracted err by this little news item err "Gun raid by three Saddams" er "Three armed men..."

ricky: They're up to their old tricks again are they?

steve: Yeah yeah.

ricky: Yep.

steve: "Three armed men wearing Saddam Hussein masks were on the run last night after robbing a corner shop, the raiders threatened the worker with a handgun and knife, ordering them to open the till blah blah blah, get money out" and it say that "They also tried to rob an earlier shop, earlier in the day, Police said, 'We are linking to raids because descriptions of the offenders are very similar'."

ricky: What was the, what did the first one not quite get right.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Well they looked very similar, I think it was Gaddafi, three Gaddafis."

steve: "Right, cos that's weird, cos we've had three err Saddam Husseins, down the shop down the road."

ricky: "Oh well that's what I meant, Saddam Hussein."

steve: "Is it the same guys cos."

ricky: "Well I assume so, I wouldn't have thought."

steve: "I don't want to get the Gaddafi guys on the Saddam Hussein charge."

ricky: "No no no, I'm almost sure it, that it'd be the same one, I didn't know, ones got, got a moustache haven't they, and one like a, or they all got a moustache? I don't know, but I mean it's, there were three blokes with masks, middle eastern appear-, I don't know, but I mean I imagine it's the same, ones."

steve: I erm, because I only ever seen erm robberies being planned in films.

ricky: Sure.

steve: So I don't know how it works, I assume there's.

ricky: So you say.

steve: Well.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I assume at some point someones got to get, the ringleaders got to get together and go "Well we need to wear masks obviously to disguise our faces."

ricky: "Yeah."

steve: "I was thinking of going with the regular stockings."

ricky: "No no no, no. I tell you what would be funny."

steve: "Well I don't want to be funny."

ricky: "Well no no."

steve: "Wanna, we want to strike fear into the hearts of the people we're robbing."

ricky: "Yeah but I mean..."

steve: "Rob them."

ricky: "Kill two birds with one stone, we get the robbery and we have a laugh, fear, did you say you wanted to strike fear, well wear a mask of someone who's really scary. Who's the scariest bloke in the world?."

steve: "Well, I dunno, Saddam Hussein?"

ricky: "I've got three of them."

steve: "Well, why?"

ricky: "I've got three of them, let's all wear Saddam Hussein mas-, it'll be a laugh."

steve: "Well it's not, I don't want it to be a laugh, I'm robbing a bank."

ricky: "No but I won't do any, it won't hurt if we're robbing a bank and, that's what I want, I want to make money and have a laugh."

steve: "Well why, that's not, I'm only in the money, I'm only in it for the money."

ricky: "Well, yeah."

steve: "And the laughs aren't important to me."

ricky: "Well no it's."

steve: "Fear I want to strike fear."

ricky: "We can also make a political point."

steve: "I don't want to make a political point."

ricky: "No? You just want the money?"

steve: "I'm a thug, not I'm not clever."

ricky: "Well we can have a laugh, and we can make a political point, you know."

steve: "What, what political point you know."

ricky: "Point you know, maybe we're stealing from the rich and-.

steve: "We're not like Robin Hood."

ricky: "Well nevermind Robin Hood, let's rob Barclay's, that's the..."

steve: "Why are you making jokes?."

ricky: "Well I mean don't worry, I'm, I'm going to do my stuff."

steve: "We're robbers."

ricky: "I'm gonna do my stuff."

steve: "You're a, you're a comedian, you're not, I'm not sure you should be in this gang."

ricky: "Let's wear the masks, let's wear the masks."

ricky: How did it happen? Did they go and buy them? Separately. "Look look, spread out, you go to the joke shop in Covent Garden, I'll go to the one in Southampton Row."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: See, right, it's so often the case they're using masks, it used to be Regan, Thatcher, they were always tehre, if I was the guy selling those, when three guys came in, three shifty looking blokes to buy three identical masks.

ricky: In stockings.

steve: In stockings.

ricky: So, they don't know who we are.

steve: “Sorry can I just check, you're not gonna rob...”

ricky: 'Definitely not.'

steve: ...anyone with these masks?”

ricky: But just think of the police looking for those robbers, every time they go past one of those awful sort of gift shops, they think 'oh no it's just in the window there with Michael Jackson and Shirley Bassey.

steve: ...and George Bush.

ricky: Oh Paulo, can I ask you something? I know you love knobs and that and you hate tits.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What about Shirley Bassey's tits?

steve: Well I'm a fan of them, cos I'm a fan of Shirley, but I don't like... they're not cool... they're not sexy.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, you're pretty bent, you are pretty bent, come in.

steve: Thanks very much.

ricky: Britney's on in seven hours.

steve: Excellent.

ricky: What are you doing out at this time?

steve: No, no, no, I just came out to get some...

ricky: Nob?

steve: Yeah, get some nob action.

ricky: Some cock in the toilet... Karl.

steve: Plenty of answers so far for your, I say quiz, I'm not sure that's really valid.

karl: Yeah, loads coming in, we're giving away some more stuff later as well, for that film thing that's coming up.

ricky: That's when you put yourself into a famous film and you act out?

steve: Is that it?

ricky: You've done The Graduate, haven't you?

karl: Done The Graduate, done Silence of the Lambs, done Billy Elliot.

ricky: I liked it when, what was your one, The Sixth Sense... “I see weird stuff.”

steve: The Sixth Sense was good, that's coming up later.

karl: We're doing that later.

steve: We'll look forward to that.

ricky: Look forward to that.

steve: We're all pretty excited about that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm assuming we've got some great music as well? Still lined up.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: Thorns?

ricky: Thorns, I'm obsessed with this now, this is The Thorns and 'I Can't Remember' on Xfm 104.9, brilliant.

ricky: Strokes, 12:51 on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Not done a lot, maybe you should earn your money, as you get Mondays off for this two hours of nonsense.

karl: What are you on about? I’ve done loads of stuff.

ricky: Go on then, like what?

karl: Slagged – slagged Suzanne off,

ricky: Yep, brilliant.

karl: First link.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Talked about.. trannies.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Same old, same old!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let’s start something new! Something fresh.

karl: Well I’ve been looking around, right, on the, on the internet, for stuff

steve: On the internet?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Your Bible. Where you get all your information about the world and the universe and morality from.

karl: And do you know how, like, how I always say to you I don’t really read that much of it, I just read the headline,

ricky: Perfect.

karl: Right? Ananova have sort of nicked that idea, to grab you, right,

ricky: Nicked what idea?

karl: Well, to sort of get to the meat! Straight away at the top. D’ya’ know what I mean, the, the headline, to the story and ev’rything.

steve: What?!

karl: Right, these are stories,

steve: But the headlines already existed! That’s why you thought they were gonna -

karl: Nah. Not like this though.

steve: All right.

karl: Headlines. These are all headlines, right? Vibrating Shoes Could Stop Elderly Falling.

karl: D’ya’ know what I mean?

steve: Vibrating Shoes Could Stop Elderly Falling.

karl: Yeah. That’s the story. You don’t need to read on. That’s what I’m saying.

ricky: Well, could you read on anyway?

karl: Can’t be bothered.

ricky: Read on anyway!

karl: Well, you have a look at that in a bit.

ricky: This is frustrating radio, if you’re sitting at home.

karl: No, it’s –

ricky: Well, it’s not on. They’ve turned it off.

karl: If you want to know more, you know where to go. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what they should do in the news. Get the news done in, in a minute.

ricky: BONG. There’s a good story about Iraq!

karl: Right.

ricky: BONG. Look it up! Look it up on the internet, Ananova.

karl: Right. Give us another bong.

ricky: BONG.

karl: Family Sick of Living on Butthole Road.

steve: Ah, that’s brilliant.

ricky: BONG.

karl: Man Wears Same Shoes for Sixty Years.

ricky: BONG.

karl: This isn’t that good. Some fella pulls a train with his teeth.

steve: And in lighter news..

ricky: I love the fact, Trevor McDonald, “This isn’t very good”.

karl: And the last one, Man Fails to Break Clothes Pegs On Face Record. Which is always good. That’s the one I did read on about.

ricky: I love that, out of all those, that’s the one he read on about! Go on then.

karl: Just erm..

ricky: Why is that news? He fails to break a record!

steve: Mm.

ricky: So did I today!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: I failed the long jump record today!

steve: Didn’t even take part!

ricky: No! I was rubbish!

karl: But what are the rules, on world records and that?

ricky: I don’t, I don’t know if there are rules. There are certain things you can’t .. I mean it’s, it’s the Guiness Book of Records, really, that’s the arbiter, isn’t it?

karl: Yeah, but is there anything that if you said you wanted to do it, they’d say, “You can’t do that”.

ricky: Yeah. They’ve stopped some gluttony records, obviously anything that’s endangered, anything that’s illegal. Yeah. Anything that’s immoral,

steve: Yeah, like that, that American serial killer they’ve discovered, that killed 47 women. I don’t think he can make down to the Guiness Book of Worlds Records.

ricky: Yeah, because people would be trying to beat it, wouldn’t they.

karl: But there was some, some other story about a feller eatin’ watches and that. That can’t be, good for ya. So why didn’t they say, “Don’t do that. Do something else”.

ricky: He wanted to stay regular!

ricky: What do you mean? What do you mean he was eatin’ watches?

karl: It just said he was eatin’ watches. He ate about three in a minute.

ricky: How could he, how could he time it?

karl: D’y’know what I mean though. The other thing is, I was reading one about the fella who won the world record for pullin’ a train, with his teeth, does, does that make any difference that he’s done it with his teeth.

ricky: What’d’ya’ mean.

karl: Well, what difference would that make.

ricky: Well isn’t it, it’s quite hard to pull a train with your teeth, I’d imagine.

karl: Well .. it’s pretty hard to pull a train! All I’m saying is, is it because he couldn’t beat the fella who was pulling it with his hands.

ricky: Well this is my point. I think that one bloke for the record for the backward, running backwards hundred metres, was sort of like eleven and a half seconds. And I was thinking, “Turn around. You probably, you’d probably have a really good go at that”.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: It’s sort of like, doing a marathon with a milkbottle on your head. Take the milkbottle off and see how fast you can go, you twat.

karl: Well you can just tweak it, like the feller who, has done, the pegs on the face, right..

ricky: Yeah.

karl: His name’s Gary “Stretch” Turner,

ricky: Right,

karl: So .. he’s sort of cheatin’, already, ‘cause he’s got a stretchy head, but but,

ricky: You are, right, you ar e of the, most stupid humans I have ever met.

karl: Well, get me in the book!

karl: All right? Well listen. So Gary Stretch Turner, right, his record is 153 pegs,

ricky: Yep?

karl: He did it again, and he only got ‘undred fifty on. So he hasn’t broke his own record.

ricky: All right.

karl: But what I’m saying is, if he tweaked it a bit more, would that make a new record?

ricky: What?

karl: Well, if he said, I’ve got ‘undred fifty pegs on, but at the same time, I was eatin’ a burger.

steve: I see what you mean, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He’d be, or a record breaker for pegs and eatin’ burgers at the same time.

karl: Yeah, just change it a bit. If you know you’re not gonna make it, just do something else.

steve: I’m assuming the rules are set at the beginning, Karl.

ricky: Yeah

steve: That’s where, that’s, they say, “You’re just gonna do the pegs thing, you’re not going to introduce burgers halfway through,” “Definitely not”. And then, they have a go.

ricky: “I was on one leg!” “Not interested. How many pegs?” “Hundred and fifty”.

steve: I was quite interested in the family had to move ‘cause they lived on Butthole Road.

ricky: Yeah, I quite like that.

steve: Now, I’m not sure that I’ve told you before where I used to live, Rick, now, I’m not going to tell you the name of the street that I used to live on – not on air – because my parents still live there...

ricky: Right.

steve: I’m going to write it for you now. This is the name, the genuine name, of the street I used to live on...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just imagine you’re in school, and for instance in class, in French, you’ve got to say, you’ve got to answer where you live, 'J'habite wherever.'

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s the name, this is actually the name of the street we lived on.

ricky: No it’s not!

steve: I swear to God!

ricky: No it is’nt!

steve: I absolutely now, I can call my father for you now and he can confirm that. I swear –

ricky: Well no, ‘cause he doesn’t ..

steve: To God.

ricky: That’s –

steve: Do you know what –

ricky: But listen, do you know what worries me, it’s the apostrophe-s!

steve: I know.

ricky: Because that’s blatant!

steve: Amazing, isn’t it?

ricky: That is incredible.

steve: Imagine how embarrassing that was.

ricky: So if I look that up, in the Bristol...

steve: You will find that in the Bristol A-Z. I swear to God.

ricky: That is really, why have you never told me that before!

steve: I can’t believe I haven’t. I’m still embarrassed now. Do you know if, whenever I have to phone up, if I have to give that address, I always spell it instantly.

ricky: Really!

steve: Like somehow that will hide it, that will disguise the name. But it’s... my friend Rufus, his parents lived in a place called Folkingham, this is amazing when he was growing up, they lived in Folkingham, they moved, to a village, called Fingringhoe!

ricky: Noo!

steve: I swear to God!

ricky: Really!

steve: Amazing.

ricky: Oh God!

steve: Perhaps you come from an amusing town or street!

ricky: Hello mate! Fingringhoe or Folkingham? Ohh.. Well, that’s my business.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Well, well this family who’s sick of living on, errm, Butthole Road,

karl: Right, said that the thing that pushed them over the edge, was the sign was outside their house, and tourists were always coming sort of having their picture taken with their pants down, next to the sign.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Oh, no.

karl: So that’s, that’s the thing that,

steve: What’s it called? “Butthole Road”?

karl: Butthole Road, yeah.

steve: Wow, that’s bad luck, isn’t it?

ricky: That is bad luck, isn’t it. Who named it that, though?

steve: Exactly!

karl: Yeah, but it’s not as if they’ve named it that before they moved there, they bought the house knowing! “Oh there’s a lovely house, here sir, where are you livin’, what’s road it’s on?” And I’m not gonna go, “Well, it doesn’t matter, I’ll look at the house”. “But, but where am I going? Where am I seeing this house?”

ricky: “Well, I’ll take you there. I’ll take you there. I’ll take you there”.

karl: “Well – “

ricky: “So, you don’t need to look – just, don’t look at that sign, just come in to the house – lovely house, isn’t it?” “It is nice, yeah”.

karl: “Well, me family wants to come later, to have a look at it”.

ricky: “Well, just tell ‘em to, I’ll meet, I’ll meet them at the bus stop and I’ll drive ‘em here. You don’t need to – you don’t need to know where you’re goin’. You’ll just sort of know. Won’t ya. You’ll know from then on”. “How will we get letters?” “Have ‘em delivered to me, if you want”

ricky: “I’ll, I’ll bring ‘em round, don’t worry about it”.

steve: I’ll bring ‘em round!

ricky: Don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about that. That’s incredible. Well I can’t get over that. Where Steve used to live.

steve: That is extraordinary isn't it. Well, if you perhaps live in Tits Avenue...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, or...

ricky: Wankling Drive,

steve: Wankling Drive! Just get in touch, let us know. We’re not really interested.

ricky: No.

steve: But it might fill up five minutes. Let’s play a record, let’s come back with another of Karl’s amazing quizzes.

ricky: I’m going to Spunkton later.

steve: If I Was Your Girlfriend by Prince on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...Pilkington.

ricky: Big time. We've had quite a few calls, Greg used to live in a place in South Africa called Assagay.

steve: Assagay?

ricky: Assagay.

steve: Nothing wrong with that.

ricky: Yeah. Paul's friend's parents live in Fart's Town just outside Leeds, which is nice isn't it?

steve: Fart's Town?!

ricky: That's just ridiculous. Dean used to live in Butt's Farm, Hamworth.

steve: Butt's Farm?

ricky: ...that's, err, that's obviously, I assume they're free range butts, not battery farm butts.

steve: That'd be horrible.

ricky: That'd be great just to name a town, wouldn't it.

steve: I think if I, I was thinking if I was like a multi-billionaire, a Bill Gates type figure, I'd like to buy somewhere, like say Manchester and just rename it.

ricky: 'Whinging on the Wold'.

steve: 'Whinging on the Wold', yeah, and...

ricky: Make 'em work Mondays.

steve: Exactly. They'd be obliged, that'd have to be what it's called. That's the rules. I'd be like mayor.

ricky: Oh you'd be great as mayor, wouldn't ya. You want to be mayor of Chinatown don't ya?

steve: I'd like to be mayor of Chinatown, it seems to me that there's not a great deal to do, cos it's not really a town.

ricky: No, exactly.

steve: It's just a novelty street.

ricky: Who can we talk to about that? Who can we go and say “look, you've gotta stop calling this a town, cos at best it's a novelty street, with some slippy pavements near restaurants.”

steve: I actually got stopped the other day by two tourists who said 'do you know the way to Chinatown?' I really wanted to say to them 'it's a disappointment'.

ricky: It's not a town!

steve: Seriously, it's not worth it, pop in a record shop, do something else, pop in Garfunkel's...

steve: ...have some delicious sausage and mash. You'll get to Chinatown and you'll go this is not a town.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, “have you got a town hall?”, 'got a betting shop', not really a town.

steve: I don't think you can build a town entirely out of restaurants.

steve: It's not enough. You need more stuff.

ricky: Oh dear. Lot of old people there I've noticed Karl. Aren't there?

karl: Let's leave that.

ricky: What?

karl: Leave it. Leave the old...

ricky: Leave what?

steve: Just got John, who's just emailed in, he said my secondary school's, my secondary school was on a street simply called Bell End.

ricky: Bell End, really?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh that's great.

steve: There's a road in Cricklewood somewhere called 'Clitterhouse Drive'.

ricky: Clitterhouse?

steve: I don't think you can really get that, you can't get them on that, that's fine.

ricky: No, that's fine.

steve: (reading through emails) No, that guy's just having a laugh, taking the mick, get a lot of that sort of thing. There's a place in America called, Ben's emailed this in, a place in America called Mianus.

ricky: Mianus?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think I've heard that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Mianus, yes I have heard of that. That's, that's, that'sunlucky.

steve: That's unfortunate, “where do you live?” 'Mianus'.

ricky: “I've got a letter for ya, where should I...”

steve: “Where should I send this?”

ricky: “Alright don't get cheeky.”

karl: Anyway, just rather than reading out the A to Z, alright, are we doing Rockbusters Answers?

ricky and steve: Oooooooooh.

ricky: Yeah, go on then.

steve: Listen this has built, this has got Chris Moyles the breakfast show on Radio 1, this sort of stuff.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Have we got a winner? Steve?

steve: We have, I'll check that in a minute.

karl: You find a good winner.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: The Rockbusters clues, the first one was “This Teletubby has got nits”

ricky: No, no, no.

karl: We've done that, that was Po Lice, alright.

ricky: Yeah, rubbish. You ruined it.

karl: The second one, “I'm saving that money to buy condoms”.

ricky: Too easy. Johnny Cash.

karl: That was Johnny Cash.

ricky: Yeah, rubbish.

karl: ...and the third one was “When you're making bread, add a bit of colour for a change, you know change the colour a bit.”

ricky: Alright.

karl: Alright? That was dye-dough.

karl: They got that.

karl: Give us a winner.

steve: Well this- the reason why I’m giving this person the prize is, is just cuz she’s from Switzerland.

ricky: Sure.

steve: She’s listening in Geneva in Switzerland, so I’m good luck to Tina and she wins those prizes.

ricky: Who did she want to win the war?

steve: Dunno, I don’t think she had an opinion.

ricky: Really? You sure?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They say that but I reckon, I reckon they wanted us to win really. I reckon so.

steve: Do you that was true of all wars they were always on our side really.

ricky: Get her to, get her to to, if she’s still in there, who did most Swiss people, maybe people sort of over 50 want to win the war England or Germany?

steve: The recent war or the original war?

ricky: The second world war.

steve: The best one.

ricky: Yeah the main one.

ricky: Just just just just as a poll. In her opinion, so ask people who are sort of like 50 or 60, just quickly do it in the next 10 minutes. Who did they reeeally, they’re neutral but who did they reeeally want to win?

steve: We know you were neutral but who did you really-

ricky: England or Germany? We come up with great games don’t we? Eh?

ricky: Bad Day. R.E.M. on Xfm104.9. Karl’s quiz.

karl: Alright.

ricky: It’s a classic film. He’s done some jiggery pokery. He’s in the film. It’s his favorite film of all time. I thought the elephant man was your favorite film of all time.

karl: It’s up there, but, but this is like, this film’s got everything, it’s got hilarious bits in it, it’s got sad bits in it.

ricky: I’ve got the headphones on cuz I’ve got to hear it and I don’t usually wear headphones. But um, I’ve just realized how noisy I am, does that go out when I’m sorta-.

steve: Course.

ricky: Does it really?

steve: Yes.

ricky: So when I’m sorta like tappin’ and writing' and that, you can- cuz it’s really clear.

steve: Everyone can hear that.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah… the thing about that microphone Rick is it doesn’t just pick up your voice, it picks up all the sounds.

ricky: Oh that must just be-

steve: You’re scratching now.

ricky: I know.

steve: You itch- I don’t know what it is. You’ve go some kind of rash.

ricky: Well look, look it’s eczema. What’s that?

steve: Eczema yeah.

ricky: Oh god, what’s that one then?

steve: That’s just one of your enormous fat tits.

ricky: What’s that? But yeah it must be irritating to listen to at home.

steve: Mmmm oh yeah.

ricky: Yeah sure.

steve: If your voice weren’t bad enough…

ricky: Yeah! Oh god. And moving the mic makes a noise.

steve: Moving the mic there that makes some noise.

ricky: Yeah leave that.

steve: Eating sandwiches, drinking coffee.

ricky: Yeah, right, come on then Karl.

karl: Right, so, the film is Kes. You got to listen to it properly. At the end there’ll be a question about what’s happening there so you got to listen, take it all in...

ricky: I love the fact that in poll positioning in positions one and two of his favorite films of all time it’s the Elephant Man and Kes.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s brilliant, go on.

karl: Alright. Am I leaving the mics open a bit when this is going out?

steve: Yeah let’s have a listen.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Alright alright, don’t talk then, alright.

steve: Just put that hot dog down then Rick.

karl: And this is the bit in Kes where it’s the teacher. And, an’ he gets up and he has to sort of...

ricky: Glover? What’s his name? Is it Brian Glover?

karl: No no no.

ricky: No.

karl: No it’s- the other teacher.

steve: Anyway.

ricky: The other one. Go on.

karl: Alright? So here we go.

colin welland as mr. farthing: Things that have actually happened. What about you Casper? Casper!?

karl: (as Billy Casper) Alright?

mr. farthing: Alright?

karl: Alright.

mr. farthing: You haven’t been listening to a word I said have ya?

karl: Yeah, uh, I heard, uh, I heard some of it. Yeah...

mr. farthing: Some of it!?

mr. farthing: Stand up! Always somebody isn’t there, eh? Alright then are you going to tell a story about yourself?

karl: What sort of story?

mr. farthing: I want you to think of an incident that's happened to you some time in the past that is true and that you think will interest the rest of the class. Alright?

karl: Alright. Uhh. What about uhh? I work on a, um, radio show at the weekend.

mr. farthing: Are you going to tell us about it?

karl: Just um, just do, it’s two hours. And it’s with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Just sort of play music and, you know, tell stories and stuff.

mr. farthing: What kind of stories?

karl: Well, whatever. Last week it was science we were talking about, uh this lad who was growing, uh, a knob on his arm.

karl: It’s weird. It’s tricky sir, cuz like with Ricky, he gets bored quick and he won’t listen to the stories and he’ll start squeezing me head.

mr. farthing: Alright alright, I’m not interested in what he does.

karl: That isn’t, that isn’t normal sir, that. I mean, I’m sure he’s a bit gay.

mr. farthing: Is he?

karl: Just messes about though. Do you know what I mean? I try and like come up with good stuff like Monkey News and like quizzes and stuff. But then he’ll just, you know Ricky will just mess about. I mean on Saturday he did it again he squoze me head.

mr. farthing: How do you spell that?

karl: Squoze? S-Q.

mr. farthing: Alright come up. Why don’t you show us up on the board? It’s a new word to me.

karl: Squoze is S-Q-U-O-Z-E, like that.

mr. farthing: Alright now tell us what it is.

karl: It’s when um, it’s when he gets me ‘ead and he puts one hand on the back of it, alright? And he puts the other hand on the front of it and he just sort of swivels it.

mr. farthing: Swivels, write that on the board.

karl: Swivels, it’s spelt S-W-I-V, like that.

other pupil: How many times a day?

karl: How many times a day does he squoze it? It depends what time he, what time he gets in. If he gets in about half past 12 he could get a good three in. But I think, you know, I don’t really want to talk about it.

mr. farthing: I think you've done enough, don't you? Well done Billy. Round of applause.

ricky: That was. Aw the effort oh wow. That, that’s uhh, that’s the best thing you’ve ever done Karl.

karl: So that’s, that’s Kes, alright?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Got some good prizes there.

steve: Not bad yeah, good stuff.

karl: Question is, How many times did I say Ricky can get... how many head squeezes can he get in before the start of the show? Alright. So if you were listening properly...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: The answer’s in there and win, got some good stuff there.

steve: Some DVDs in there, some CDs including some Jimi Hendrix stuff and uhhh other odds and ends good stuff.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: And just text in... 83XFM. Alright?

ricky: Alright?

karl: Alright.

ricky: Eddy and the Hotrods. Do Anything You Wanna Do. On Xfm 104.9. Alright? Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

karl: Alright.

ricky: We’ve had load of entries for how many times I squoze his head.

steve: Mmhmm mmhmm.

ricky: The answer was three. Wasn’t it? And who was the winner Steve.

steve: Let’s give it to Jon. He’s emailed in he’s got it right he said he squozed your head three times on average.

ricky: Sure. It’s not ‘squozed’ is it, Karl? That’s incorrect. It’s squoze isn’t it?

karl: Uhh, it depends how you say it.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uhh, squoze.

ricky: Well it doesn’t really, because its nonsense anyway. It’s not a real word but...

karl: You squoze my head.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I will squeeze your head.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Depends what, what line you getting it in, alright?

ricky: Tense.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Okay. Any Monkey News? Any Educating Ricky? Anything else?

karl: Uhhhhhh.

ricky: I don’t feel you’ve earned Monday off yet cuz it’s just two hours and you only did about five minutes of it.

karl: Yeah but that took a bit of time to make.

steve: That’s your on fault.

ricky: Yeah but I’ll bet you didn’t do it Monday. I’ll bet you did it on another day.

karl: I had to come in Monday didn’t I...

ricky: Yeah but I, but you do that on another day so you’re taking the piss even more because you do it when you should be doing other stuff. You still got Monday off you got two hours here. So... you're laughing either way. So don’t give me that. So... do you know what I mean? What else you got?

karl: Monkey News.

steve: Ugh.

ricky: Well, let’s do Monkey News.

karl: Do you want to do it now?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well, we might as well have some Monkey News.

ricky: Let’s have some Monkey News.

steve: ...some Monkey News. You’ve made enough noise there Rick?

ricky: Sorry, sometimes I like to move around. Lounge and that and the mic...

steve: Sure.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Well let’s have the jingle; we’ve not heard it for a while.

ricky: Ooh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey News ya fu...

karl: Alright. Ummm.

karl: I haven’t read this through properly so...

steve: We assumed that.

ricky: Oh for... Oh god. Christ. What do you mean you haven’t read it through properly?

karl: Well basically right, it’s about um, it's about problems with chat rooms and that. Alright? A lot of people it’s like the new way of meeting people innit now, chatrooms. You get on there...

ricky: Alright. If you say someone was having a meeting with someone they wanted to meet...

steve: Please don’t pre-empt it. Please don’t pre-empt it.

ricky: Right, there is not an there is not an animal in the world that could operate and understand...

karl: Do you wanna know the story?

karl: You said, you said...

ricky: Did they get marr... three months later she realized oh there’s lot of bananas gone from my fridge.

karl: See what annoys me there is you

ricky: I want a divorce. Bobo.

karl: You you say that monkeys can do Shakespeare if they’re given the time.

ricky: No! That’s not it!

steve: Let’s not get into the whole Shakespeare and monkeys…

ricky: It’s a philosophical conundrum.

steve: Please let’s not get into that debate again.

ricky: It’s about the... it’s about...

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: ...infinity.

karl: Alright so this one now. So this chatroom, alright. The thing is with chatrooms uh, you have like a big boss who lookin' over it and makin' sure nothing dodgy is going on.

steve: Right.

karl: Right. So certain keywords come up and like...

ricky: Who's that Dr. Zaius?

karl: Alright. So anyway, they were looking over it trying to look for dodgy stuff but they kept coming over like really strange things. Like instead of saying ‘Do you want to meet in a restaurant or bar.’ Alright? It’d be like...

steve: ‘Do you wanna meet in a tree?'

karl: ‘What tree do you wanna meet at?’

ricky: Right, okay.

steve: Are you shooting off?

ricky: That’s the end, yeah.

steve: I’ll see ya later then.

ricky: See ya, Steve.

steve: I’m just gonna listen to the end of it anyway.

ricky: You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot if you believe that shit. Honestly...

karl: Nah I’m just telling you what’s online.

steve: Let’s let’s let’s, let’s hear the rest of it.

ricky: Wha...how... you are... you’re nearly. You’re ill. You’re near… your… Ok, I don’t know the PC term for this so I really apologize. You’re nearly retarded in some aspects.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And instead of sorta saying wear something sexy they just say bring plenty of bananas.

ricky: Right you’re talking absolute... ok.

steve: Are you making up the Monkey News now because you can’t find any more?

ricky: And instead of saying of should we get married they’re say ‘How swollen and red is your arse?’

karl: Do you wanna look?

ricky: You stupid fool.

karl: Do you wanna look?

steve: No that was me.

ricky: Mark Ronson and Ooh Wee on Xfm. Well what a great show.

steve: Mmhmm.

ricky: We’ve had...

steve: Informative.

ricky: It’s been fun. Uhhhh. Yea we’ve learned sommat haven’t we? What have we learned? Well we’ve learned that Karl is an idiot.

steve: Yesss.

ricky: He believes that monkeys can get on chat sites.

steve: A form of confirmation of what we suspected.

ricky: Really yeah. Yeah we always suspected it but that’s uh...

steve: I just read a little e-mail umm from someone saying that in Northern Ireland there is a town called Muff.

ricky: Is there?

steve: That’s worth knowing.

ricky: Yeah. Um.What else have we learned? Umm Monkey News uhh. Ummm, no one’s got anything like Monkey News on radio.

steve: Nah.

ricky: Ok.

steve: Think of that as a boast.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: No one has got anything like this gout.

ricky: Yeah. You call that a boil? Look at that and look where it is.

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: Brilliant, okay.

steve: We’ve not heard, sadly, back from that women um, from Switzerland.

ricky: Haven’t we?

steve: I know you threw out a question.

ricky: Yeah I just, I just thought, I wanted to find out who the Swiss were really... they say they were neutral but I assume they’d be rooting for us and keeping quiet.

steve: You’d hope so.

ricky: Whenever Germans went through they went ‘Yeah alright. Yeah, whoever wins, yeah.’ But they were going ‘Grrrrrmm’, Where as...

steve: Exactly, behind their back giving the finger...

ricky: ‘Alright lads you want some chocolate?’

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ‘Here’s a cuckoo clock. No don’t let it go off I’m hiding!’ Know what I mean?

steve: Sure sure sure.

ricky: They better, they better want have, us to win. 'Cause if it wasn’t for us and we’d have let fascism go in there and, uh, they’d be speaking bloody German and Italian all over the place wouldn’t they?

steve: I think they do.

ricky: Eh?

steve: I think they do.

ricky: What?

steve: They do speak German and Italian.

ricky: Why? Wh...

steve: Dunno they just couldn’t be bothered to come up with they’re own language and they chose that one I suppose or they chose those.

ricky: What’s the point in being foreign if you don’t speak English?

steve: I have no idea. You’d have to ask them.

ricky: That’s mental.

steve: I don’t know.

ricky: What would I do if I went there?

steve: Well you wouldn’t. Why would you go?

ricky: They don’t speak the language.

steve: If you’re gonna have to choose a language to speak chose English.

ricky: English. Even the Dutch they’ve got they’re own language but they don’t speak it...

steve: They can’t be arsed with it.

ricky: Well, it sounds well it sounds silly.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So they speak English.

steve: Course they do.

ricky: You see two Dutch people.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sitting in Amsterdam with clogs on, they’ll be chatting in English.

steve: Chattin’ away in English and proud of it.

ricky: Yeah yeah oh god there was a... I was there once and there was there was a mouse...

steve: Right.

ricky: Just there on the stair.

ricky: It was a little mouse with clogs on.

steve: Yeah. Where?

ricky: On there.

steve: On the stairs.

ricky: On the stairs yeah. So yeah language we learnt about languages didn’t we. I’m not a linguist but I pretty much think that’s what happens.

karl: I’ll tell you something I learned in the week.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uhhh.

ricky: It to be one thing. You definitely learnt only one thing this week.

karl: Good one though.

ricky: Don’t insult Suzanne’s hair?

karl: I learnt two things this week. Right um. That...

steve: Don’t put your trousers on over your head?

steve: Cos I know you were persevering with that for awhile.

ricky: Mercury may look nice, but bad for you.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uhhmm. There are more moves on a chess board...

ricky: Then particles in the universe.

karl: That puts you off learning it doesn’t it.

ricky: Well no, it’s a possibility.

karl: No no. They say it is. It is. They said that that’s…

ricky: Yeah, that’s right it’s the possibility, because basically it tends toward the infinity cuz no two games the same.

ricky: So it’s not that you’ve got to learn that many moves.

karl: Alright. It’s not that good.

steve: I don’t wish to criticize Rick because I know you were trying to inform him then. It’s a good job you are not a teacher cuz as you gabbled the phrase ‘it tends toward infinity’ it kind of came out as ‘ittentowrenininy’.

ricky: Ok yeah.

steve: Imagine if, imagine if your one of those kind of foreign students who’s coming here to study and they use something.

ricky: What Swiss?

steve: They put the tape recorder by the uhh...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: By the lecturer.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Listen back to that rubbish.

steve: ‘It something toward infinity I’m not sure. It tents toward infinity?’

ricky: ‘He’s talking about tents. I am not understand. Cuckoo.’

steve: So uh we’ve all...

ricky: We’ve all had a good time.

steve: We’ve all had few laughs.

ricky: We’ve had a great time.

steve: Can I just say though everyone, have a great Saturday.

ricky: Alright, see ya later.

steve: Rick, you like you like The Thorns. You played The Thorns earlier.

ricky: Love The Thorns.

steve: I think you’ll enjoy this. This is an old track from Hawksley Workman.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Bad name good song.

ricky: See you next week.