XFM Vault - S03E06 Transcript

ricky: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant, over there... little roundy bald head of Karl Pilkington. Good news and bad news. Good news is, boys are back in town. We're here for two hours.

steve: Hello.

ricky: Bad news is we have no monkey news, um, gay fellow news, or little Chinese fellow news.

steve: Really?

ricky: We're going to try and, you know, leave that for a week and maybe come back to it. Because it was getting...

steve: Why do I get the feeling that within 20 minutes we'll be talking about little gay Chinese monkeys.

ricky: Karl, think of that.

karl: We have got monkey news.

ricky: Have we?

steve: Have we?

karl: Oh yeah.

steve: So we've already broken that promise!

ricky: Oh, okay, I thought we were gonna try and, sort of, talk about something else. I've just done the Jonathan Ross show,and they don't talk about the same things every week. It's weird.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: It is weird.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Or as Karl says, 'weird, innit?'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So, um, gave this show about five plugs.

steve: Nice one.

ricky: Yeah. So, uh, I think we'll get upward of 800 people listening.

steve: (laughing) Oh, double...

ricky: For the first two minutes.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And then turning back.

steve: They're already switching over now.

ricky: I'd have thought so, yeah.

steve: I spoke to my friend yesterday, he's a little bit of an odd fellow, and he said that he, for his own amusement, he had an iPod in his car, and he bought a little sort of transmitter, and he could transmit the music from his iPod, to sort of - just beam it, kind of, as he was driving along to, sort of, passing cars.

ricky: What do you mean?

steve: It's weird,

ricky: Make their radio play it?

steve: Well, if they had it in the right frequency, yeah? Um, I mean, pointless, completely pointless - but not dissimilar to this show, I imagine, in terms of the number of listeners.

ricky: Yeah, but I was gonna say, what's the chances of people having this frequency on?

steve: Absolutely pointless.

ricky: So it's probably about the same, yeah.

steve: Do you know what it reminds me of? When I was young, I wanted to get into radio, I was excited about radio, and I was sort of in my - I dunno, I was 11 or 12. My friend and I, we got a little mixing deck, and we used to host our own radio show.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Uh, from his bedroom. We didn't have a transmitter, so we'd put some speakers in his front garden, in some bushes, and sort of broadcast it to people who were walking by.

ricky: Again, probably over the week, more listeners than this show.

steve: Almost certainly.

ricky: That... yeah.

steve: I love the idea, we - it never happened - but I also was hoping that some, maybe some girls would just come by and just, like, sit and listen. "These guys are great. I dunno where these sounds are coming from, it seems to be that bush, but..."

ricky: Or Noel Edmonds coming along, going "Who are these guys? Can you get them on the show?"

steve: "Can they stand in for me when I go on holiday?"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I did, uh... did I tell you I did sort of pirate radio?

ricky: No, go on.

karl: Did, uh, got into all...

ricky: (Interrupting) Yeah, normal radio, but he had an eye patch on. Go on.

karl: Uh, Dad was in hospital, right? And, uh, he was having some operation done, right? And, uh, went to see him, and didn't have that much to say to him, right? So I was sat...

steve: He's only your dad.

karl: I was sat there - well, it's awkward though, innit? When someone's ill.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sure.

karl: And you don't know what to say...

ricky: (Interrupting) Boring, innit? Boring!

karl: So I was flicking around on that little radio thing they have.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I heard, like, they had a radio station in the hospital, so I said "Ah, I'm gonna go and join this." So I wandered off to go and find it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uh, sort of joined that. Did a little show on there. So I thought I can, I can, sort of get out to the masses here.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Me mate made a little transmitter. Did a little pirate radio show from the uh... got kicked out, because they found out, and apparently I put the station at risk, because all the stuff could've been taken off us.

ricky: But, from little acorn, 16 years later, he's on a show with less listeners.

steve: (Laughing) Yes.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Can you imagine if you're, you've gone into hospital. You're already pretty depressed, there's the fear of these bugs - super bugs in the hospital, maybe you've got some quite serious illness, you know, you don't know if you're gonna make it... his voice is what you hear to cheer you up.

ricky: (Imitating Karl) "Alright? Weird, innit? Saw a program about a parasite the other night. Yeah."

ricky: Apparently they- they get in through your eye and eat their way out through your genitals. Anyway, heres Radio Head.

steve: You think you've got it bad.

ricky: Yeah, exactly play a record Karl.

karl: Bit of Stone Roses yeah?

ricky: Oh, Fool's Gold. Classic!

ricky: Stone Roses, Fool's Gold XFM 104.9... brilliant.

steve: Can't help but notice you've ah, brought some sandwiches in Rick

ricky: Mm

steve: Wha-what's it in there?

ricky: Cheese and onion.

steve: Cheese and onion?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Because I've never se- never ever seen you make sandwiches before. I've seen you take a loaf, a piece of bread out of a loaf...

ricky: Yeah

steve: ...and sort of fold it in half crumbs everywhere...

ricky: Well Jane made that for me because I was in a bit of a hurry

steve: I didn't think for a minute that you made it yourself

ricky: Why cause it looks neat?

steve: Well, it's the wrapped in the tin foil... The- a knife has been used.

ricky: As opposed to chewing round the baguette?

steve: Yeah exactly

ricky: Yeah, breaking it in half...

steve: Yeah yeah yeah

ricky: A la Albert Steptoe

steve: Yeah

ricky: Yeah Brilliant, yeah

steve: Yeah, nice?

ricky: It's great, but the onions are strong.

steve: Oh are they?

ricky: Making my eyes water?

steve: Yeah

ricky: If I come breathe on you...

steve: Yeah

ricky: ...It'd cure any sort of skin disease you might have.

ricky: Skin disease. We watch that um, Karl, you know, that- Karl was raving about that thing about parasites? About worms coming out your brain that? and I watched it-

steve: What is this? is this is a TV show?

ricky: Yeah called Body Snatchers.

steve: Right

ricky: And it was pretty fascinating

steve: Mmhmm

ricky: And ah, I mean, amazingly shot as well. I mean it's got to win an award for photography.

steve: Yeah

ricky: And there was ah one bit, that um this little girl had been bitten by a mosquito and it had laid their eggs, and went to the doctor, she a lump on her neck like a boil, and ah, they pulled it out and it was like... like a bullet this maggot.

steve: Oh!

ricky: And they put it down, and it was wriggling in her blood, Right? But the hole left was sort of aesthetically pleasing. You know li- that feeling you get like I once had an ingrown hair and I quite liked it when I pulled it out and it's a perfect little hole. and I thought "i wouldn't mind having those as long as they sort of like healed over and-"

steve: What are you talking about?

ricky: I don't know it's weird innit?

steve: But why would you want to hold in your body like-

ricky: No It's got pulling something out, sort of like putting something out your body, It's sort of cleansing, isn't it?

steve: I don't know what you're talking about

ricky: No, but it's sort of like, i dont know-

steve: This is it, you watch one program recommended to you by Karl, you've turned into Karl.

steve: You want a hole in your body?!

ricky: No! It was- It was like, you know like squeezing a really good sort of like, spot- I mean, I haven't squeezed spots for ages- and I'd never had spots, but maybe that's it. I didn't have spots.

steve: Right.

ricky: And I always thought "that'd be nice squeezing a spot."

steve: I don't know what you're talking about-

ricky: I don't know, I don't know what I'm talking-

steve: Why would these things be pleasurable? Why would a ha- an ingrowing hair? Thats great fun?

ricky: Yeah it was good. That was good, cause i-i got it, it was like a little lump and i pulled it, and then it pulled out and it was like- it left a little...

karl: I know what you mean. Cause i get thick hairs and ah...

ricky: Yeah

karl: Like, really-

ricky: Oh and when they come out it's like a bit of wax?!

karl: Yeah

ricky: Like a- like putting out a little candle?

karl: And that's-

ricky: I love that!

steve: What?!

ricky: I- Yeah

karl: When- because I've got no- not much hair on my head...

steve: No

karl: Right, it sort of grows thicker on my face.

ricky: No, not true

steve: Sure, but go on.

ricky: Yeah

karl: No but it does.

ricky: Not true baby, go on.

karl: So...

ricky: No evidence for that just made it up.

karl: So it grows sort of thicker on my neck and that...

ricky: No

karl: And now and again I'll see like, something that's like a twig, right?

ricky: Yeah!

karl: It's really thick.

ricky: Yeah, yeah you feel it, and if you think "oh I'm gonna have that" and then you work at it, and then when you get hold of it, it's brilliant, It's like pulling out a- it's fantastic. And it's waxy and build-up, and it pulls it out and it's stretchy. Just getting it leaves a hole.

steve: I've just realized why we talk about Chinese people, monkeys, and gay's every week.

non: Ricky snickers

ricky: Why?

steve: Because this is the sort of replacement.

steve: This is what we've got if we're not talking about them.

ricky: But it was great as well. And um, there's this parasite, right, that lives in this fish, right.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And what it does, it changes the fish's behavior. Because to breathe it has to get its body temperature up so it has to get into a bird, right.

steve: Sorry what needs to get into a bird? The fish?

ricky: The parasite. To complete its life cycle...

steve: The parasite needs to get into a bird.

ricky: Yeah. So it changes the behaviour of the stickleback, and it makes the stickleback sort of suicidal. So the stickleback doesn't flee when it sees a heron,

ricky: It gets caught.

steve: Right.

ricky: Because this stickleback has changed its behavior. I was— Karl didn't quite understand this.

karl: I still don't really get it. I watched it and you see like the fat fish an' that and you go ohh, it's not well. But I don't understand...

ricky: Well all it does is, it has to get into a bird because it has to— to breed, to lay its eggs, it has to have a raise of body temperature so it has to— the fish is cold-blooded. So it has to get into a bird which is warm-blooded. There's lots of things— certain things, at that level...

karl: Yeah but why, why is it doing that?

ricky: Because it needs the temperature.

ricky: It needs the heat energy for its reaction. Just like for example, that's why your balls are on the outside, because the cells have to be a certain temperature to survive. I think— I don't know if it's the sperm or sertoli cells but they have to be a couple of degrees below body temperature. Otherwise, they'd be in a nice cage and we wouldn't get kicked in the nads.

karl: What do you mean?

ricky: That's why your testicles are on the outside your body, they have to be a couple of degrees below body temperature.

karl: Yeah, but it's not— that isn't why they're there. You see this is like the chat we had last week about the giraffe havin' a long neck.

ricky: What d'you mean?

karl: They're there because that's where they happen to be. They didn't go "right..."

ricky: But that's what evolution is. It's a selection process. It's not a will. The balls didn't say "look, I'm too hot, let's get us outside, let's get outside of here."

karl: All right, hang on a minute then.

ricky: What?

karl: So a little a little man monkey, right?

karl: Theirs are in the same place as ours.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, they're walking around naked so it could be anywhere. They could be, like, on the back.

ricky: No, they call it...

karl: It doesn't matter where they are.

ricky: Well they could be on the back, yeah.

karl: So why aren't they?

ricky: This is a completely different... Steve!

ricky: That's...

steve: You started it! I wash my hands of the whole affair.

ricky: And we're not only back to balls but we're back to monkey balls.

steve: Yes!

ricky: In one thing, from— about parasites, we're back to monkey ball news.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: How did we get back to chimp testicle news?

karl: All right then, so this thing, this worms and a fish.

ricky: Yeah. It's— yeah it's like a little platyhelminthe. I think it's some sort of...

karl: But what I mean is why are they about?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Why?

ricky: They evolved.

karl: But why haven't they died out?

ricky: Because they're very successful.

karl: Yeah...

ricky: What d'you mean "yeah"? What d'you mean "yeah"? What— tell me the brain event that made you say "yeah", in that one second gap.

karl: Cause in a way I don't get it and I— if I think about it too much it hurts a bit.

ricky: Play a record!

steve: They've just been around for years, Karl, like Cliff Richard or something like that, you know they just...

ricky: "Forget About Tomorrow" by Feeder on Xfm 104.9. Karl is in some pain now isn't he?

steve: What angers me is the fact that the listeners, at least they get a record. They get three minutes where they can just relax, they don't have to listen to this drivel. I've gotta sit here for another three minutes while you try to explain to this idiot...

steve: ...why we have parasites and why we have fish and why, you know... it's just interminable.

ricky: Karl's question is, "what's the point of a parasite?" I was saying well they evolved alongside everything else and it's part of the ecosystem. He's going "but why is a parasite in a fish, in a heron, back in a fish?" And I said what's the point in anything, right, apart from the balance of the ecosystem that survives at any time. And then Steve went "Karl, you should have done this when you were in sixth form"...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Questioning the point of life, and...

steve: Yeah, you should have had these existential questions, you know, when you were younger.

ricky: Did you ever used to lie awake at night thinking where did the universe end?

karl: No.

ricky: I did that when I was about six

ricky: Or seven for about a year. When I— when someone said it was...

steve: He was lying awake at night thinking "where does Manchester end?"

steve: "I assume it goes on forever!"

karl: They've made a map, haven't they? For the universe.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Right.

ricky: Well, yeah. As far as they can, yeah.

steve: Big, is it?

karl: It's massive.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But if you're that lost, d'you know what I mean, forget the map...

steve: The map's not going to help you. Sure.

ricky: If you get lost forget it! "Look, we're never going

ricky: To make it, we've not going to live 400 light years. We're not gonna—" Course you could take a shortcut through a wormhole, couldn't you?

karl: What's that?

steve: Oh, nooo, NOO, NOOOO!

steve: Let's not talk about the universe, please. Let's talk about something you could comprehend, Karl.

karl: Well, listen...

steve: Were you on Richard and Judy yesterday?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Tell us about that.

ricky: It was good, it was good fun.

steve: Yeah?

ricky: It's a bit surreal.

steve: Is it?

ricky: Yeah, it's nice though. I really— there's something charming about them...

steve: Mm, mmm.

ricky: ...d'you know what I mean? They go off on tangents, they sort of digress,

ricky: They suddenly think of something, she'll suddenly go "ooh, my jumper's itching" or somat, you know...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...and it's quite charming, it's not annoying at all.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I'd never seen them do it through before and— I hope I didn't insult them because I said it was like an adult Blue Peter.

steve: Right. In what way?

ricky: Well they had a Christmas wrapping competition, then they had a...

steve: They had a what, a Christmas wrapping competition?

ricky: Yeah, and then they had—

steve: That wasn't them doing hip hop?

ricky: Then they had what the French people are like, there was a little— didn't quite understand that, living in France. Then they had a

ricky: Woman who relived an Elizabethan Christmas.

ricky: The bit that made me laugh was she was announcing this through an Elizabethan microphone and PA...

ricky: ...to all the people sitting around dressed as...

steve: I'm a bit confused, this sounds fascinating.

ricky: It was good, though. And at the end I said "next week I'll be washing the tortoise" and that, and the producer said "if you do want to make something for the show, we'll definitely feature it".

steve: Ha!

ricky: So I might make some of those things they used to make on Blue Peter, like sending—

ricky: You know, I remember they made a chest of drawers out of three match boxes.

steve: Yeah, y-y-yeah.

ricky: For Barbie dolls or somat, or Action Man.

steve: I seem to remember them showing you how to make a Dusty Bin once.

ricky: What, on Blue Peter?

steve: Yeah. I made one, I remember making one.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I haven't— see I haven't watched Blue Peter obviously for, like, 25 years...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...but is it the same sort of thing?

steve: I think it's pretty much the same now, yeah. Occasionally they'll have kind of— larger dramatic scenes that all the cast will kind of act out, murder mysteries and stuff like that.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: It's a bit more of that going on.

ricky: Do they still have the

ricky: Kodo drummers from Japan over?

steve: I think the kodos come on like twice a week.

ricky: With the shiniest buttocks I've ever seen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Greased- they're in like- sort of nappies or whatever they call them, and they're playing the drums, and you seem them from behind playing these big drums and they've got shiny buttocks. The lights really pick up their- their arses.

steve: I think they've- because they've kind of funked it up since we were younger. Because I remember it was always stuff like, "Let's have a look at this traction engine".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Drive some traction engines. One, very small. One slightly larger one and then you needed a larger one.

ricky: Exactly.

steve: Then we'll just drive them around the studio.

ricky: No, cos you're going up Nelson's column with Shep.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You might die, you might not.

steve: But I always wondered if perhaps the people in charge were not- perhaps down with the kids when those are like-

ricky: I didn't think they were.

steve: What are we going to do this week? Let's have a look around a traction engine That's what the kids of the early eighties want.

ricky: Exactly. But it was- they did used to sneak in education. Whereas Magpie- that was just like funky people who are sort of really in the seventies.

steve: Never watched Magpie.

ricky: No, I know I got it wrong as well. I did used to watch it, but I used to watch Blue Peter. I think I was conned.

steve: I always feared- because I- because see with a Blue Peter, I felt like I was learning something. I imagine on Magpie, it was was just, you know, Mr. T came round and- or whatever. It was a lot more cool.

ricky: Yeah, it was a lot more cool. And a lot more throwaway. It was sort of like- Magpie was sort of like Look In on telly.

steve: Right, yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: You know. What happened to Look In?

steve: Dunno. Each week in the Junior TV times, I don't know. There's probably people listening who have never even heard of Look In.

ricky: Is that what it was?

steve: Apparently so.

ricky: But there was cartoons and things.

steve: Yeah. It was just basically an advert for ITV, Look In.

ricky: Oh was it?

steve: Almost entirely yeah.

ricky: And did it have- did it have like a Laurel and Hardy strip or something?

steve: No, it would have things like 'The Story of Five Star'.

ricky: Really? Is it like- is it like the ones in the News of the World?

steve: Not dissimilar.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Hey, I've had five kids".

ricky: Next picture. "Bought one of them a guitar". Next one, "We're at number 7".

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Brilliant. Next week, Tina Turner.

steve: I love the fact that Five Star is still touring. There's only three of them now.

ricky: Really?

steve: They're still called Five Star.

ricky: Really? Yeah. There was four Boney M's at one point. Tribute acts that each one of them had- and then there was a fifth who was someone who wasn't the original member of one of the Boney M's who set up a splinter group. It was ridiculous.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I don't know how many there are now. I was thinking what we should do on the show as well is have a doctor. To just sit in the corner.

steve: Right. Is this because you're worried about your health?

ricky: No, no. Just someone when Karl says "Why are your bollocks there?" The doctor can now go. "Well, let's ask Doctor". And he goes, "They're there because..." And we need a vet as well.

steve: Is Dr. Fox still available?

ricky: We need, we need the doctor. Probably a vet. Some sort of vet or a naturalist would be good. And what else? Oh and a physicist or something, or an astronomer. What do you think Karl?

karl: I'd love that.

ricky: Would you really?

karl: Yeah yeah.

ricky: Are there- is there any doctors listening? Of course there- as if a doctor would listen to this.

ricky: If there- if you are a doctor- I want a qualified doctor. I don't mean someone who's in their second year of medical school. We're not interested in that. Right, a qualified doctor, a GP, or any specialist. And you maybe want to contribute regularly. Give us a call.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We'll even give you a special phone line and stuff.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Not for now though, we're going to get a lot of mentalists aren't we?

steve: I would adopt a nom de plume. An alternative, you know, identity. Because your patients are going to flee if they find out you listen to this tripe.

ricky: Exactly. What's the phone number Karl?

karl: Well, they might as well just email in with their number, mightn't they?

ricky: That's cause you don't like answering the phone.

karl: No, I just think it's a better way of doing it.

ricky: Okay. How can they prove they are a doctor?

karl: Just, uh-

ricky: Go on Karl?

karl: Somat to do with, uh...

steve: Go on.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Something to do with, uh...

ricky: What thing could they say, that we'd say "well he's definitely a doctor or he wouldn't know that". Think of somat.

karl: But I'm not a doctor, so...

steve: We're on the radio, Karl! When we ask you a question you've got to speak!

karl: I know, I'm just thinking I don't know how you'd know, because you don't— you never ask him, do you? If you need their help, you don't think of going "now before you do this, do you know what you're doing?"

karl: But saying that, right...

ricky: Go on. Go on.

karl: Talking about this the other day.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ohh, what was it now?

karl: Listen, the fella, no listen.

steve: Play a record!

karl: This is...

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Alright.

steve: Alright, no come on he's got it now.

ricky: Go on, go on.

karl: This fella...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...goes to the doctors.

ricky: Yeah...

ricky: Ohh right, OK. Right, if this is in any way apocryphal, stupid, illogical, impossible, right? You are never ever speaking again on radio. So make sure this is at least possible. I'll tell you what, I'll even give you improbable but possible, so for anything that breaks the laws of the universe or logic, OK, that's all you have to avoid. On you go.

karl: Right. So this fella, right, he goes to the doctors cause he's got earache.

ricky: Right, OK if a chimp's

ricky: Living in his brain...

ricky: ...that he gives...

steve: Go on!

ricky: Go on.

karl: So he's got earache, he's sat in the waiting room and it's all— his ear's all bunged up and it's hurting a lot and what have you. So the doctor comes out and he goes [muffled noises]. Right? And because his ear's all bunged up, he doesn't hear it that well, right. So he thinks, "it must have been me", right, so he wanders in...

steve: Keep going, keep going, keep going.

karl: Anyway, he...

ricky: [partially off-mic] I tell you, I'm gonna hate this. I can just feel it in my bones. Steve, I'm going to let you take over. OK.

steve: Go on, let's hear it. Come on.

ricky: OK.

karl: So the doctor says "sit yourself down there"

karl: Right, so he sits himself down. He goes "right, take your pants off". Right?

karl: So he's thinking, "that's a bit odd". Anyway, he uh...

ricky: He heard that though.

karl: He, apparently he took his tackle off. The doctor like, did some operation.

ricky: What, there in the waiting room?!

karl: No, in his office.

ricky: In his office, yeah.

steve: What?

karl: Erm...

ricky: Right, right, so he removed what, his genitals?

karl: Yeah.

steve: In his office.

ricky: What, why, why Karl? Why Karl?

karl: Because, he hadn't called him in.

ricky: Oh he'd called in a bloke who wanted his testicles taken off, and he didn't hear it! You f— you yyyeeeeee — uh!

steve: What?!

karl: It was...

ricky: So the doctor went out and said, "Mr. Jones, who's here for me to whip off your cock and balls, just here and now", right, bloke comes in, didn't— "must have been me". So the bloke who wanted his balls taken off didn't say "oh, I think he said me", so he's— so he didn't interrupt then! So the bloke goes in, he starts taking his testicles off...

ricky: ...and he doesn't say "I'm here for me ears"!

ricky: That's the new single from Snow Patrol, and "Run". That's brilliant, innit?

steve: It's good stuff.

ricky: On Xfm, 104.9.

steve: Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I'm about to say three little words to you...

ricky: Yep.

steve: ...that I've never said to anyone before.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Karl is right.

ricky: On what, though?

steve: From Reuters, someone's emailed in, "a Brazilian man who went to a clinic to have an aching ear checked ended up having a vasectomy after mistakenly believing that the doctor had called his name. He had gone in there, entered the vasectomy room when he was called... he was called by the full name and yet thought it was him. But the strangest thing is that he asked no questions when the doctor started preparations in the area which had so little to do with his ear. He later explained that he thought it was an ear inflammation that have got down to

steve: His testicles", and um, the fellas came off.

steve: Extraordinary.

karl: Alright?

ricky: I'm stunned.

steve: Amazing, isn't it?

ricky: But there's lots of things that keep coming true with Karl's nonsense. There's a programme on next week— "the boy who gave birth to his twin".

steve: Oh.

ricky: And he's there, he's like pregnant with this thing, you know.

karl: How long ago did we do that?

steve: Yeah, you discussed that years ago.

karl: When I talked about it was a baby who had a baby. Now it's a boy who's like a grown man and that, it's took them ages to sort that out.

steve: Mmm.

karl: I did it in one link one Saturday...

steve: Ha, yeah.

karl: ...with the full story.

karl: Right? Keeps happening. We've done like Donal MacIntyre's thing, right, he's been ripping us off. I did Cheap As Chimps...

steve: Yeah.

karl: He's been doing it.

ricky: No he hasn't.

karl: He has, he's done some programme about how much it costs to get a monkey and that.

steve: Right.

karl: What else have we done?

ricky: [laughing] He believes this.

steve: Yeah, y-y-yeah.

karl: There's loads of stuff we've done like that.

ricky: You had the worm— the maggot coming out the head. I laughed at you... yeah. In the program didn't see him wrapping the head in bacon, but I mean the principle's there.

steve: Bob Holness has ripped off Rockbusters.

ricky: Yeah, and he ripped you off years ago.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's been ripping you off for years, which is even more annoying.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So uh, yeah.

steve: Interesting.

karl: Uhh, yesterday, you know Richard and Judy gave you the tea picked by monkeys.

ricky: Yep.

karl: I told you about that either last week or the week before.

ricky: Yeah, and then you also told me that there's a place where they grow coffee where the weasels come out

ricky: And eat the coffee, right, but they have too much of it and vomit. And they sell the vomit because it makes the coffee smoother.

steve: Weasel vomit?

ricky: Yeah. Absolute shize...

karl: It's not, it's not.

steve: Right...

karl: When you say it like that it sounds ridiculous.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Whereas the way you'd say it...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, there's...

ricky: Why do they keep taking the coffee? Probably addicted to it.

karl: Cause you get addicted to it, don't you, caffeine and that.

ricky: Yeah. Why do they sick it up then, cause they have too much?

karl: Cause they're tired, they can't sleep. They sort of...

ricky: "They're tired, they can't sleep"...

karl: So they get ill, it eventually wears them down. They're sick, and then they— they sell it.

steve: I showed— there's people send monkey news all the time, for Karl...

ricky: Yep.

steve: ...and I showed him one earlier which said there's a new monkey hospital that's been opened.

ricky: Yep. Karl immediately—

steve: Now that's for the— for the treatment of monkeys, Rick.

ricky: But he immediately thought it was run by monkeys in white coats.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Did he really?

steve: Yes, and he was disappointed cause it wasn't.

steve: He was assuming there'd be little janitors, is that what you said? Yeah, little janitors mopping up.

ricky: Karl!

steve: Little chimps with the ECG machines, whatever they're called.

ricky: Ah-ah-ah, clear!

steve: Yeah, exactly.

karl: Brilliant.

steve: He was almost angry...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...disappointed with it.

ricky: And what's this about Donna Air giving her baby to a gorilla for a week?

karl: It happened.

ricky: No it didn't happen!

karl: She had a baby, they went on the honeymoon, they left it to a little gorilla to look after.

ricky: Don't! Talk! Absolute!...

ricky: It's— don't talk— ohhh Karl!

karl: Again, there's people online now so they can have a look at Ananova. D'you want to give— d'you want to give some stuff away?

ricky: He believes it and that's it! But the more these things sort of like pop up and come true, the more worrying it is. The more worrying is for everyone. Imagine if Donna Air had left her baby to a gorilla, it's absolu— it's libelous, you saying that. It's libelous.

karl: It's not, well you'll— someone will send it in in a bit and then you'll feel daft again.

karl: So I'm not even worrying about it.

ricky: OK.

steve: Right, you've got some rubbish to give away, you say?

karl: Err, yeah we've got some stuff to give away. DVDs, stuff like that.

steve: Well let's play a record, let's do the quiz...

ricky: Any VHSs? Any films on VHS?

karl: Yeah, couple of them in there.

ricky: For 4.99.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Supergrass.

steve: Yeah, excellent. What is the competition incidentally?

karl: Uh, doing Songs of Phrase.

steve: Supergrass, "Late in the Day" on Xfm 104.9. There's too much to get through here, Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: There's too many things, we've gotta systematically go through this list...

ricky: Am I gonna eat my words?

steve: Well before that, you know we get emails all the time they're coming through all the way through the show...

ricky: I know.

steve: ...and I open them, and a lot of them— because everyone's contributing, it's brilliant, but we can't really absorb everything, there's too much coming through.

ricky: Yep.

steve: So I tend to open them quickly, I have a look to see if there's anything we can sort of make sense of and close them again. Sometimes Karl looks at the emails as I'm opening them. One opened just a minute ago... did— you saw his face.

ricky: I saw his face, yeah. What was it?

steve: His face was just stunned, he was just absolutely dumbfounded. It was like...

ricky: Yeah, what is it?

steve: ...he'd just seen something extraordinary, right?

ricky: And you closed it quickly.

steve: I did close it quickly. I'll tell you why, right? Always got to bear in mind how Karl's mind works. All he saw was the name of the band that this email was promoting. So all he saw, all Karl saw, and you can imagine how excited he was— all he saw was "Half Man Half Biscuit".

steve: That's— that's all he saw.

ricky: I've never seen anyone so excited!

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: It was actually just plugging the popular joke novelty band, Half Man Half Biscuit...

ricky: Hadn't you heard of them, then?

karl: No.

steve: Imagine how excited he was.

ricky: That is fantas—

ricky: Half Man Half Biscuit! Brilliant! Mr. Garibaldi. Half Man Half Biscuit, that is genius. Oh, amazing.

karl: I just saw it, and when you closed it again...

ricky: Yeah, but the thing is if he hadn't

ricky: Have told you that, and he erased it, next week you'd be saying [imitating Karl] "Hear about what they've done, the scientists? They've cloned a man with a biscuit. He got currants for eyes."

karl: Never go swimming.

ricky: What?

karl: Never let him go swimming.

steve: OK. Anyway, just to— ohh, I don't know the world's coming to but someone's sent us a link to one of the web news pages.

ricky: Go on.

steve: The headline, "Donna Air to hand her baby over to a gorilla".

ricky: Well it's not, it's not—

ricky: It's not going to be what he thinks...

steve: Listen. Donna Air and her zoo-owner boyfriend Damian Aspinall intend to place their baby daughter in the care of a gorilla. The couple plan to put Freya, who was born in September, in the gorilla enclosure at the zoo near Canterbury. They will then let her be carried off by the female of the group. Neither parent has any qualms about letting their daughter be taken off despite five keepers being killed by animals at Howletts and its sister park since 1980.

ricky: I don't understand. What do you mean?

steve: Well, that's it. That's the news...

ricky: It's a newborn baby and they're going to put it in a gorilla... But I mean...

steve: Well he said, "Why would I not trust them? I know them. I grew up with them. They're my friends."

ricky: Yeah, but it... but... I'm not saying that they're, they're aggressive, but it might roll over on it or something.

steve: I don't, well, I don't know. Take it up with the, uh... with them. I mean, Donna Air is not the brightest spark in the box...

ricky: No, but I, I don't think...

steve: And it would seem her husband is...

ricky: I don't think, you know, the... that would en... she'd endanger... I mean, they must know something we don't. I still don't... I still can't believe they're just going to leave the gorilla with it.

steve: Mmm.

karl: Meanwhile...

ricky: Why would you though? But, but why would you? Even though it says well it's...

steve: Cheaper than a babysitter?

ricky: Well, I don't know. Well, how cheap is a gorilla babysitter? Karl knows, cause there's probably some sort of organization.

karl: Right. Are we, uh...

steve: Competition, then. Come on, then. What is it? Oh...

karl: Songs of Phrase. Eh...

steve: Remind us of this?

karl: Eh... we've got the film one coming up later as well.

karl: But Songs of Phrase is the one where I take a popular phrase from the show.

ricky: Well no, it's not a popular phrase from the show, it's sometimes something you said once. "There's this hairy Chinese kid."

karl: Yeah, and I get all different bits of songs. So, you know, I make up that sentence and you have to email in with the artists that you hear.

ricky: Why, what's the popular phase then? What's this? What's this popular phrase that's sweeping the nation?

karl: Uh... it's what we talked about last week.

ricky: Go on.

karl: It's, uh, "me girlfriend had a problem with her marrow."

steve: Right...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: All right.

steve: Okay. She wasn't your girlfriend.

karl: Well, yeah, but I couldn't find...

steve: Oh, okay.

karl: ...blind date or whatever. So uh, so seven, seven artists it's taken to make up this Songs of Phrase.

ricky: "Me girlfriend had a problem with her marrow." That's at least eight, so...

steve: Well, maybe not.

karl: I think I've managed it in seven. Anyway here we go.

steve: What are the artists? What are the names of the artists? Get a pen and paper, make a note.

karl: What artists are you hearing here?

ricky: Very good.

steve: Okay. And what's...

karl: What are the artists?

ricky: Very good.

steve: "My girlfriend had a problem with her marrow." We want the names of the artists. What can we win, Karl?

ricky: Just... Just, can I just, um, recap that story? Karl went on a blind date. But when he found out that this girl had some sort of bone marrow problem, he said he didn't want to see her anymore. "What's the point in getting to know someone that's going to die?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So just, that's what you're dealing with. THAT is what you're dealing with with Karl Pilkington.

karl: Would you buy a car with a duff engine?

steve: It's a fair point. ricky.gervais at xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Don't steal our sun - The Thrills on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant, over there Karl Pilkington, The man who believes anything. I think it might be a condition due to his little round head. It might be a new condition we can call cranial spherity. and it, cause it's, it presses on his lobes and the only sort of upshot of that is he's normal everywhere but he believes everything he reads or sees on an Ananova. All right?

steve: Talking of which Rick I don't really follow the news it's mainly boring innit Wars and stuff

ricky: Well, yeah, when is a war, it's all this nonsense before and after when it's a war it's you know, it's in the middle of the war you can watch it on telly to get results, but I mean like, you know what I mean? Like a test match or summat but It's all this rubbish before and after it drags on

steve: This recent War seemed, I thought just generally it was better presented than the previous one because I remember the first gulf war, it was often during the night and I couldn't stay up and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, because I think the American had rights to it that the Tyson fight so we had to get at two in the morning which was annoying they had it their prime time and that and a lot of it was in black and white as well when the bombs went in so err no

steve: This time it seemed a lot more colorful.

ricky: Yeah It's much better coverage. I think there should be Awards.

steve: Yeah well I'd like to see awards for it

ricky: Like channel four one for Cricket.

steve: Yeah I mean the few times as weel I was quite pleased to see that they actually had footage of the bombs exploding.

ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah no, good, Well done. Good on ya, well done, good on ya. Costs a lot though dunnit? Wars a lot more, when you've got summat like, you know a Jimmy Carr game show which probably costs 100 grand, like half an hour War costs millions man

steve: It's almost as expensive as like Terminator 3 or something.

ricky: Yeah, but I mean, you know, but you gotta have variety sorry Steve you're talking mate

steve: I just wanted to make sure you were aware that the world elephant polo championships have taken place

ricky: I did get it, I heard it mentioned on, we won didn't we?

steve: England won

ricky: Yeah

steve: My question is where have they been practising?

ricky: I don't know

steve: Do you remember at school anyone asking you are you interested in playing polo with elephants

ricky: Do you reckon it was five blokes in pith helmets sneaking into Whipsnade?

steve: Possibly

ricky: What you doing lads? We're practising. Get down, get off that elephant

steve: I genuinely, I didn't know we had a team. Johnny Wilkinson and the rugby lads they're gonna get MBE's all sorts, the elephant boys, the elephant polo boys, nothing

ricky: They're gonna get nothing

steve: I haven't see the Sun talking about them

ricky: But you know, to be fair it's not like horse polo, I don't think there's a stick long enough I think the elephants kick it don't they?

steve: I think you might be right, I think they're not allowed to use their tusks

ricky: They'd burst it won't they? They go oh, Raheem

steve: Yeah

karl: What do you mean the elephants kick it?

ricky: Alright, I've opened a can of worms here. You know um, normal polo on a horse they have like

karl: A stick and that

steve: Mallets

ricky: Yeah to whack em right but I think obviously they're too high up, I think, I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure they just train the elephant to kick it

karl: So what, why are people sat on their back? Why not just let 'em have a kick about without...

ricky: (Laughs) Imagine that! And why does horse racing have to have a jockey? Why don't they just let the horses go, "onya okay lads onya.

ricky: No cheating. On your marks, get set, go. You go, get back here. Get back here." Brilliant. Why do you think? Just, I tell you what. Now I, I'm gonna be like a teacher now. Why do you think?

unknown: Ugh. They sort of get mixed up which end they sort of go in. Which end they've got to get the ball in.

ricky: Sort of. Yeah, yeah.

steve: How do you, how do you sort of steer an elephant as it were? How do you ride an elephant? It seems quite a complicated procedure. I don't imagine they're quite as versatile as a horse.

ricky: No, you can't sorta like pull it and its head goes can you?

steve: No. I mean I don't really know how you. I mean you'd have to have a huge playing surface wouldn't you? I mean, these are big creatures.

ricky: Yeah. They, they use Kent.

steve: Well exactly.

ricky: Yeah, and they drop two big, huge jumpers.

steve: Hah yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Either side. One in ahh, yeah. South Kent, one in North Kent. And it takes days and days.

steve: And is there, is there the full, is there like 11 on each team?

ricky: Yeah, and one on the subs bench.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And it, it keeps breaking. The bench is broken. Terrible.

steve: (laughs) Yeah. He's livid because he's never getting chosen.

ricky: He's never, he's never getting chosen, yeah. Well, he hasn't turned up to training.

steve: Of course and he's never gonna forget.

ricky: He's been down at the lake.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Down at the lake, when they should be training. Eating too many buns, like Gascoigne.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Right Karl, come on then.

steve: Oh hang on. Now I just must tell you as well about Lord Admiral Nelson's erotic letters.

ricky: Go on.

steve: They've been sold at last. For one hundred and seventeen thousand pounds.

ricky: Sunday Mail?

steve: I don't know who bought them.

ricky: Who opened them that shouldn't've?

steve: They got sent to someone else.

ricky: Hang on. They weren't even addressed to you.

steve: They were meant for Lady Hamilton, what are you doing opening 'em?

ricky: Go on then, what's he say? What's he get up to?

steve: It's interesting because they've printed a couple of the things he's wrote.

ricky: "Dear Lady Hamilton, ahh bit of a problem. Ahh just the one hand. You might have to help me out in a couple of manouvres."

steve: Yeah, and the one eye. So I'm not appreciating the 3D.

ricky: (Laughs) Exactly. I don't care where you put it.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Yeah go on.

steve: You'll have to help me guide it in.

ricky: You might as well stand across the other side of the room for all the good it'll do me. Go on then.

steve: And of course he ended up kissing Hardy, ahh didn't he?

steve: Did he kiss Hardy or did he ask him and he never did?

ricky: Well, I don't know. I don't know about this because I heard that he didn't and it said Kismet, which also means fate. And then I heard that he did say kiss me, kiss me.

steve: Kiss me Hardy.

ricky: Hardy. Like, you know, because it, well it creates suspense. I don't know. Is it, is it Kismet or is it kiss me?

steve: Kiss me Hardy. I think his final actual dying breath was 'no tongues.'

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And someone went, "kiss ya what?".

steve: (laughs) Exactly. Yeah. Maybe that was his nickname.

ricky: My, my, my name's Smith. "What did you want me to kiss?"

steve: (Laughs) Exactly.

ricky: "Kiss me hardy." "I wouldn't have thought so. I'll kiss your lips and you'll be happy with it."

steve: But ahh, yeah.

ricky: "I'll touch ya hardy, but I'm not kissing it." Go on.

steve: Couple of quotes from there. Ahh, this is him writing to Lady Hamilton, who he's having an affair with. "I can neither eat nor sleep for thinking of you my dearest love. I never touch, even pudding."

steve: I think we've all written a letter like that to a lady.

ricky: That's a euphemism.

steve: Surely.

ricky: That's like— I think that's, "I haven't eaten and by the way I haven't even knocked one out".

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: "You are gonna get a sack-full". Alright, Karl? You're the producer, is this alright? It's all euphemisms, I've not said anything wrong. Go on.

steve: Oh come on, it happened in the 19th century.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: We can talk about it— you know. This is more topical than Monkey News.

steve: Anyway listen, sorry we better get back to the competition. I'm worried that we've lost sight of that competition, because I'm not gonna lie to you

steve: We've had no entries whatsover so far.

ricky: I can't believe that cause I actually got most of those, that's actually a more accessible one. I knew— I think I know all the artists and I'm stuck on "girlfriend", but I think I might know who that is.

steve: Let's hear it again.

ricky: No I think that's a pretty accessible one there.

steve: An accessible quiz?

ricky: Yeah, so no one's— is the email up, or no one's listening?

steve: No, well I think there's a little bit of that. But I think we've accidentally closed down the texting.

ricky: Oh, this is...

steve: So if you're texting in, don't bother.

ricky: ...this is rubbish, it really is awful, innit?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Just play it again, hang on a minute.

steve: Ah I'll tell you what it was, we didn't give out the prizes. We didn't say what the prizes were gonna be...

karl: Ohhh...

steve: ...that's the reason!

ricky: Yeah, I think the emails are gonna go mental when they—

steve: Yeah, when they

steve: Find out it's the first series of "Open All Hours" on VHS...

ricky: Ha, yeah.

steve: ...they'll be flooding in. Let's see what we've got here...

ricky: And a Brigitte Nielsen video.

steve: Exactly.

steve: Oh, dear.

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: No, actually it's not too bad.

ricky: Go on.

steve: "The Best Air Guitar Album in the World Ever"...

ricky: Yeah, that's still going!

steve: ..."Volumes 1 AND 2".

ricky: That's evergreen! That'll keep running and running!

steve: Some kind of anniversary box set of a "Doctor Who" episode with a small model car.

ricky: Nooooo one wants that, babyyyyy.

steve: "I'm Alan Partridge" series 2, that's worth having obviously...

ricky: Yep.

steve: And "Porridge" series 3.

ricky: OK, good.

steve: If you've not watched all of them on

steve: UK Gold then...

steve: ...get them on DVD.

ricky: ...there's something wrong with you.

karl: Right, let's—

steve: So yeah, let's hear it again.

karl: Alright.

karl: Just name the artist, that's all we want...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...just the artist.

steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Ryan Adams?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yep. Oh, this is absolutely fantastic.

steve: His version of "Wonderwall"...

ricky: Beautiful.

steve: ...if you've not heard it yet you'll be loving it.

ricky: You'll be loving this.

ricky: Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees" on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: Someone just emailed and said "I just want to know what you think of that cover of 'Wonderwall'?"

steve: Mmm. We told you. We said it was great.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Listen!

ricky: But they must have been listening to hear...

steve: The song.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Extraordinary.

ricky: Although maybe they just turn off...

steve: When we start talking.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That would make sense.

ricky: Would make sense, I mean it makes sense in a sort of sort of preserving of sanity type way as well.

steve: Objectively Rick, if you were listening at home, if you didn't know us and you were listening to the show, would you listen to it? Would you bother?

ricky: Umm

steve: I know that's a hard thing to get head around. Theoretically.

ricky: It's difficult to say isn't it. I've no idea. I've no idea what people coming to this for the first time think.

steve: You know, I love you like a brother but I get sick of you.

ricky: Yeah, I get sick of me.

steve: It's weird you say that because someone's emailed in a recent survey by Cheltnam and Glouster.

ricky: Right.

steve: The most desirable neighbor in Britain -- number one...

ricky: Shane Richie.

steve: Jonny Wilkinson.

ricky: Oh right.

steve: It doesn't actually give me the full rundown, but David Beckham was in the list, Shane Richie was indeed in the list.

ricky: Yeah, he's flying at the moment.

steve: As was Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Really?

steve: That's what it says. It doesn't tell me where you came though.

steve: And there was actually a neighbor from hell and you weren't in that list.

ricky: Well, I'm a good neighbor.

steve: Oh come on...

ricky: I am! I'm quiet, I keep myself to myself. I never...

steve: You know what I'm thinking of? If it was if it was best friend. Now that would be a nightmare. Most desirable friend.

ricky: I'm a good neighbor, I'm quiet.., you know, yeah. Yeah, I mean imagine being stuck in a room with me writing all the time with me squeaking like a chimp.

steve: Unbelievable.

ricky: Although I don't physically abuse you. I save that for my bald mates like Karl and Rob 'n that, I just like to squeeze their head. I don't squeeze your head.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean? I think it's because you command a little bit more respect.

steve: Thanks very much.

ricky: You know what I mean? You're not that sort of... you're not an idiot.

steve: No, sure.

ricky: All right Karl? Got anything to say? Has anyone seen his picture in Heat this week? It looks fantastic, doesn't it? You know what Steve said when he saw that Karl?

karl: Go on.

ricky: He said 'it has captured Karl'.

karl: What do you mean?

steve: Well, you just look utterly gormless.

steve: You know, like how a good photographer can do that, he can capture the essence of someone. Good stuff, good stuff.

ricky: Well, actually I'm the photographer. Cos it was a screen grab from the behind the scenes footage. So I got that that gimpness - I captured the essential gimposity.

steve: Exactly

ricky: Karl. Alright? Well, I did a little article for timeout and I think Boyd from Heat is sent over that screengrab to them. So you might be in Timeout. I'm going to try and get him in every publication, for one year.

steve: Well you've managed it in the last two weeks.

ricky: Exactly, yeah, it's like a Dave Gorman project. Are you Karl Pilkington? Let's do that, shall we? If anyone's got a publication, it doesn't matter how little, just take it from heat -- it's mine, so, you're welcome to it. Just try and just put his picture in anything. Next to round things is best, isn't it? That'll be good. You're alright, Karl, with that?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Alright, then what have you got for us Karl?

steve: News headlines?

karl: There hasn't been sort of that much going on. Headline wise.

ricky: Sure, sure...

karl: You know I look for good headlines though 'n that, don't I? That sort of, get you interested, like the...

ricky: But then when you're interested you don't read on...

karl: No, I did.

ricky: Okay, go on.

karl: Like the one, you know the one I read out a couple weeks ago that was 'Man lives and dump for 10 years'.

ricky: I remember 'Chinese woman eats dirt'. That was a cracker.

karl: Well, 'Man lives in dump for 10 years'. I read on with that one yesterday. I found it in my bag because I took it home so I thought I'll read that when I get a minute

ricky: News. Imagine that, news. I might read last Thursday's Sun!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just to catch up.

karl: Er, do you know how we got caught?

ricky: What do you mean 'how he got caught? What's -

karl: He lived in.. he lived in a -

steve: He was living in a rubbish dump.

ricky: Well, what's up with that? What's -

karl: He was living in a rubbish dump. No one - no one knew he was there, right?

ricky: Yeah

karl: He was living off food that had been chucked away so - a lot of people chuck away stuff that isn't off - so you can survive on that. Er, he had a nice little place to sleep and that - an old mattress, that was alright and stuff. Er, got away with it for ten years until he decided to celebrate bonfire night with some fireworks.

karl: Can you believe that?

ricky: Well, you know, he's happy that the, er, gunpowder plot was foiled, and that Guy Fawkes was beheaded -

karl: Anyway...

ricky: - thus saving our system of government.

steve: There's got to be a couple of news headlines, surely?

karl: Erm...

ricky: Hold on, wait a minute. Bong!

karl: Pierced penis man off the hook.

ricky: Bong!

karl: Man changes name to Bubba Bubba Bu-bubba.

ricky: Bong!

karl: Dwarf to live in a glass box.

steve: 'Dwarf to live in a glass box'?

karl: Yeah, it's meant to be art or something. It's not though, is it?

ricky: What? 'Meant to be art'? Why's - yeah - who's idea is this? Is it his art, or has someone hired a dwarf to live in their box?

karl: It's just a box. And he can even leave when he wants, apparently, he can, like, go 'Oh, i'm hungry, I'm going for a walk.' And he puts a little note -

ricky: He could - well, if it's Damien Hirst, he might end up in four bits. So, just be careful.

karl: But to me, that's like that thing when I said to you about the woman in the jar.

ricky: What woman in a jar?

karl: The women in a jar. They go 'Ooh, come and see the women in a jar'. And then it turns out it's a big jar. So it's like, well -

ricky: [interrupting] Yeah, it's a big jar. Yeah, it's a big jar. Yeah.

karl: - put me in there as well then.

ricky: Exactly, yeah.

karl: It's not special.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And that's the same with him. It's a big box, he's a small fella. What's, what's good about that?

ricky: What do you want to do though? To compress matter?

steve: But hang on, it's not a world record breaking attempt. It's supposed to be art.

karl: What's art about that?

steve: Well i'm not gonna try and justify it.

ricky: [interrupting, laughing] 'What's art about that?'! Oh, can we do a show for BBC Three? Karl Pilkington going round, 'What's Art About That?'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That is brilliant - 'What's Art About That?'

karl: I'd love that.

ricky: Would you?

karl: I'd love that.

ricky: Me and Steve were gonna do a thing called 'Is Art Rubbish?', where we'd go round and we'd chat about it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But I'm, well, we can hand that over to you if you want to do that. If anyone from BBC Three's listening, Karl Pilkington - [IN KARL'S VOICE] 'What's Art About That? Alright? Weird innit?' And what, would you go around like Sensation and things like that, and Saatchi, and going -

karl: Dali and that.

ricky: - [IN KARL'S VOICE] 'put a sheep in formaldehyde, what's art about that? Our butcher does it. Ah, alright? Ah, weird innit? Ahh.'

steve: What do you make of Dali and the melting clocks, all that stuff?

karl: Talked about it haven't we?

steve: Have we?

karl: Told you, yeah. Told you about -

ricky: What do you think of that?

karl: Er, he sort of milked the idea a bit.

steve: Ha! Right.

ricky: Yeah, sure.

karl: 'Cos everything had a melted clock on it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It was like he had a bit of success with it once and then he just ruined it, do you know what I mean? It's like -

steve: It's like you with the monkeys.

ricky: Like Status Quo.

karl: Yeah, or... yeah.

ricky: Sure. What's your favourite artist? Don't say Lowry.

karl: Lowry is me favourite artist.

ricky: Why? Why is Lowry your favourite artist?

karl: Captures life, doesn't he? Going on and that.

ricky: In stick form.

steve: I know you're a big fan of Where's Wally as well, aren't you?

steve: You never found him, have you? Never found him yet...

ricky: No karl, that's not [inaudible], it's sustaining on the table - you've come off the book again.

karl: Listen, are we err, are we doing whatsit in a bit?

ricky: WHAT? what, what, we don't know what you're talking about!

steve: Play a record!

steve: Yeah we'll be doing whatsit in a minute.

ricky: Yeah, whatsit coming up, after the break ehhhh

karl: The film thing.

ricky: The film thing.... ohhhh, idiot.

ricky: Libertines, please don't look back into the sun on Xfm. 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington, Karl. Have we got the results?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Go on then, what are they?

karl: Uhhhhh,

steve: Play it again.

ricky: Okay, songs of phrase.

karl: This was the phrase, these were the songs.

karl: My girlfriend of the problem with the marrow the answers: Sinatra, Prince, Billy-uh Bill Medley, errr, U2, Shirelles was also dub pistols in there and that.

steve: No one got all of them Karl obviously, but we'll give it to Mark Kantan he got, what did he get, about six or something?

karl: Yep

steve: Well done, he's from Dublin, so that's nice. (Poor Irish accent) Listening over there, the Irish.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Alright.

steve: Umm, a German man. Just thought I'd let you know this Karl, Ricky has been arrested because he taught his dog...

steve: To give the Nazi salute, and then he made it do it in front of two policemen. I think it's an offense in that Germany. Now - that's a fascist with too much time on their hands.

ricky: No but is it... it's illegal for a dog to do is well?

steve: I think so.

ricky: I bet he thought you'd found a loophole.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean he's been dying to do it, but he thought well, I'm not allowed to do it. It's illegal for a human to do it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Thought he got around it and no... dogs...

steve: For a while it just kept doing the Bazil Faulty funny walk. He was going "No!!"

ricky: Don't do that!

steve: Don't do the legs as well. The reason I mention it is because he's German...

steve: What were you telling me earlier where.. Karl was wittering on about the Germans earlier. He was saying something about the accent.

karl: Erm.

steve: It's fine with blokes but not with women. You want to go out with a German woman, because the accent.

karl: Was just saying it's a bit manly, isn't it?

steve: Sure

ricky: Is it?!

karl: Yeah, it sounds a bit hard. I can't imagine having a nice sort of romantic chat with someone.

ricky: Well, it's not a romantic language no, it's quite harsh. Yeah, but that's our...

karl: No but what I mean is right, I can't speak any other languages apart from this one.

ricky: Well...

steve: You're struggling with this one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And what I mean is...

ricky: Whereas you really do speak the language of love.

ricky: "Alright, here's some condoms. Where's my tea?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: What I'm saying is if a French woman was talking to me I'd say I don't know what you're talking about love but it sounds good. Whereas the German, German woman?

ricky: Yep

karl: I'd go Oof. She might be saying really nice stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's what I mean. But then we got talking because you know like me brother...

ricky: Sort of a prejudice really!

steve: In a sense...

karl: What you mean?!

steve: In a sense it's racist. But anyway, on you go...

ricky: Yeah go on.

karl: It's not really is it.

ricky: No.

karl: But, uhhh. Yeah my brother was in the Army we talked about it haven't we?

ricky: Yep

karl: And how he got kicked out for going for packet of fags in a tank.

karl: But when he was in the Army he was based in Germany for a bit and he used to be one for sort of, you know, picking up the ladies and that, he always had, you know, new girlfriends and stuff.

steve: He's a Pilkington.

karl: He used to get through loads of them. Well, I didn't... I wasn't that bad, but my brother..

ricky: Well no, because you... you had things like 'trouble with your marrow and that, now you might die. I'm not interested.'

karl: Yeah, but no matter what he did, do you know what I mean, when he was a bus driver, he was one of them who always had a woman stood at the front with him and sort of, you know, having a chat and stuff.

steve: Sure.

karl: He sort of got kicked out of that and stuff.

ricky: When he was a bus driver, did he own the bus? Or did he just take it to get pack of fags?

karl: So he's is in Germany, and the Army people say to him...

ricky: Das Pilke.

ricky: Fraulines, leave the fraulines alone.

karl: Not allowed to go out with German women. Because they... Apparently they get you and then they beat you up and that.

ricky: What? The German women?

steve: Why?

ricky: Go on.

karl: Dunno, just because they said, they don't like English Army man. English Army people and that.

steve: Why?

ricky: See... English is your first language, isn't it?

steve: Are you speaking German now, or?

ricky: Oh, I can't tell!

ricky: "Don't get out with the Germans... they beat you up and that... don't like English Army man".

ricky: What is that?

steve: What worries me Rick is because we've got the face, the body language and things to try and interpret this gobbledygook. The listeners, they've just got the words.

ricky: I know, yeah. It must be just ridiculous for a listener.

ricky: Right, just do the competition. What was that anecdote about? Don't go out with German women - they'll beat you up?

karl: I'm just saying when if you're in the Army, if you're about to join the Army, and you think it will be great and you'll meet loads of women over in Germany... It's not going to happen.

ricky: Wise words there, wise words.

steve: This station's a public service.

ricky: Excellent? Okay.

karl: Right. Can we just play a song and then do the film thing?

ricky: No! just do the film thing now.

steve: No, let's play a song.

ricky: Oh f... what we playing?

karl: Bit of Bragg?

steve: Billy Bragg, excellent.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: What's this called?

steve: It's called called The Saturday Boy, Karl.

steve: Billy Bragg The Sunday Boy on Xfm 104.9. Ricky's laughing cause he's just thrown something at Karl

ricky: It made him jump.

steve: Yeah, that's worked well.

steve: Well here's the the prizes for the film quiz thing, which I think is what it's called. Brilliant. People will be loving this - it's Trance Anthems 2003, we got a lot of Trance fans listing.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: The Best Air Guitar, obviously, and of course, there are "The Best Club Anthems", Series 1 of "Happiness" by Paul Whitehouse, "The Very Best of Father Ted" on DVD.

steve: We've got "Teachers", we've got "Knowing Me, Knowing You"... not too bad. The three bundles, good stuff, Christmas gifts and things like that. So...

ricky: That "Knowing Me Knowing You" I've noticed is on VHS, which is good. Yeah, that's quite quaint. Excellent. Brilliant.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So what's the conceit of this?

karl: It's when, you know, we sort of dig out a film that I've been in, and this is... Don't know if i want to tell you what film is because that might be the question thinking about it. Because there isn't that much going on in the clip.

steve: I think we need to know what the film is.

karl: Do you?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Alright, it's Rain Man.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Why is he called Rain Man?

steve: : Is that going to be the question?

ricky: Yeah, I know that. I know the answer Karl. Don't worry, don't look at me like that.

karl: No I do I do...

ricky: Oh well done - you watched the film, yeah you should.

steve: Right so it's you Karl in the film Rainman.

karl: Yeah it's a bit when Tom Cruise is in the doctors with er... with the f... with the ill man.

karl: Here we go. You ready?

karl: Oi! I am sat here. Don't go talking about me like I'm some sort of div kid. I've got a good brain.

karl: It works well, it stores all sorts of information and stuff, don't it, Tom?

karl: Don't say it like that... little things... as if it's stuff that isn't important.

karl: Yeah I know, I'm just thinking... good with numbers... It depends, not that good at maths. But I remember facts that have got numbers in them. Like I know that one person in two billion will live to be a hundred and sixteen or over. Alright? Weird thing is a lot of them are Chinese so, you know, makes you wonder... if they're lying...

karl: What do you mean you don't understand?

karl: It's not... all right, here's an easy one for you then. Goldfish have better memories than people think.

karl: See? There you go.

karl: Uhh goldfish related - oldest goldfihsh in the world was 41.

karl: Yeah, funny thing is there is if it was a goldfish with a dodgy memory, it could have been older. Could have been you know, pushing 45.

karl: Well. I wouldn't go that far. You know, they're the sort of things I like reading about. I've got that big book there, it's full of sort of...

karl: Yeah. Just don't...

karl: Don't bother touching it.

karl: Give it back! Get off...

karl: Look at that.

karl: No. You've annoyed me now. You can't come in here, saying I'm daft and that. Messing with me book. Just go, will you?

steve: Were they messing with your big book of freaky facts? Yeah... that's out of order.

ricky: Good. So what's the question? Why is he called Rain Man?

steve: Yeah?

karl: Yeah?

steve: Everyone happy with that question?

steve: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Okay Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk - why is he called rainman?

karl: Alright?

steve: Yep.

ricky: Bad Day, REM, XFM 104.9. That's nearly it, innit? Got through another one. Got through another one, seamlessly.

steve: That we had just moments ago, it was Karl featured in "Rain Man". The question was, why is he and the film called Rain Man? The answer, Ricky, was...?

ricky: Well, Tom Cruise's character when he was little couldn't say Raymond and used to call him Rain Man.

steve: OK. Plenty of right answers, but we're going to give it to John Steele who interestingly is from West Yorkshire. He's listening...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...up there. So they're everywhere

ricky: That is interesting!

steve: Ha, it is. It is.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So that's pretty much that, is there time for Monkey News?

ricky: I think we've gotta have Monkey News...

steve: Let's play the...

ricky: ...and then that second track from the Ryan Adams album.

steve: Let's play the jingle though, if we can.

ricky: Oooh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News ya ffff—

karl: Right. Now uhhh, it was back in the 1980s.

ricky: Right. So it is quite topical then.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: When did this happen then, 1980s?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yep.

karl: It's about a Colombian F1 sort of— Formula One driver.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Apparently these races were going on, right, and uh... someone kept winning them.

ricky: Ohh right OK, forget it. Forget it.

ricky: No don't do it. Cause it's rubbish!

steve: Right, so someone kept winning the races.

ricky: So this someone— this human, that kept winning the races. So this human being that kept winning the races, Karl, what was his name?

karl: His name is here, it's Jimmy something.

ricky: Yeah? How tall was he? Just out of interest.

karl: Well no, no...

ricky: No, no, no, how tall was he?

steve: No let's hear the story, let's hear the story.

ricky: Was he about 4'8?

karl: ...let me tell the story, you might find out if I tell you the story.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Go on.

karl: So anyway, he kept winning and everyone was like "oh he's brilliant this guy, who is he?" and all that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But his gimmick, right...

ricky: Was never showing his body or face?

karl: That's right, that's right...

ricky: You're joking!

karl: ...never took his helmet off.

ricky: You are— you're an idiot.

karl: Never took his helmet off, right?

ricky: You know the short trousers he used to wear, you know his trousers were about a foot long, but his shirts, the sleeves were really long!

karl: Anyway right, so because he wouldn't take his helmet off...

ricky: You're an idiot!

karl: ...and he was taking part in like the F3...

ricky: [impatiently] Yep.

karl: ...which is the lower ranks of Formula One and that.

ricky: Just get to it. Just get to...

karl: Everyone thought it was a famous driver who was taking part in...

ricky: Just get to it

ricky: Being a monkey. Then you can go home.

karl: Anyway what happened was, there was a crash one day.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And the car tips over, everyone's like "ohhh"...

ricky: He ran up a tree?

ricky: He ran away from the ambulance people up a tree and started eating a banana?

karl: So the marshals ran over and the ambulance people were there, and they were about to take his helmet off, and the marshal was like "don't take his helmet off!"

steve: It'd give away the secret that he's a monkey?

karl: It'd give away the secret and that.

ricky: Yeah, chimp?

karl: Took his helmet off...

ricky: Jimmy Chimp— Jimmy Chimpus?

karl: ...little monkey under there.

ricky: No. Definitely not. OK, let's play Ryan Adams...

steve: Did he survive?

steve: Let me just— couple of questions, did he survive?

karl: Yeah he did, yeah. He was allowed to keep all the awards that he won, but he wasn't allowed to take part in any other races.

ricky: Yep. Didn't happen, this is Ryan Adams. We'll see you next week.

steve: Yeah this is a song called "The Shadowlands" also from that "Life Is Hell" album. It's good stuff.

ricky: Idiot!