XFM Vault - S04E01 Transcript

ricky:Since You Been Gone by Rainbow, since we've been gone, Steve, what's been going on, mate?

steve:Well so much has happened, hasn't it, in the world, you know, in politics and stuff, there's been an election, and the like.

ricky:I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and our producer.

ricky:I say 'producer'.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Karl Pilkington.

karl:Alright?

ricky:Yeah very good, we've been away a while, I think the last show we did was January 2004.

steve:Yeah, yeah.

ricky:... and nothing's changed.

steve:Nothing's changed whatsoever.

ricky:...nothing's been mended. I mean I'm pretty sure I threw that away in the bin.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Before I went, before I left.

steve:...yeah there's some of your old bacon rinds from that sandwich, still left over there.

ricky:Yeah, the spare ribs on the floor, yeah nothing's changed at all, oh act- that's not true, the listenership's changed, it went down slightly didn't on the last rate chart.

steve:Well I don't know, I don't know, is that, is that what happened? Did it go down slightly, Karl?

karl:A little bit I think.

ricky:I don't think Xfm gets new listeners, I think what happens is, the reason it goes down, just very slightly each time is their old listeners die, you know, old Cure fans dying of...

steve:Yeah, ya' know...Smack addictions.

ricky:Yeah! Gout! Well, but anyway, I haven't listened to this station for a year and a half, so that's increased by one which is probably quite a high percentage.

steve:Exactly!

ricky:Um.. So, um

steve:Well, I suppose, my question to you Rick would be, you know, why now, why come back now?

ricky:Bit bored, bored of sitting at home, ya' know.

steve:Okay.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Cos we're just here for six weeks.

ricky:Six weeks, well, we're standing in for Adam and Joe aren't we?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Yeah?

steve:Ah, the tables have turned, I remember when they were standing in for us, but uh...

ricky:Yeah, I...don't...

steve:Well, the only reason I'm here is that my housekeeper cleans between 1 and 3.

ricky:Oh right that's a good idea.

steve:So I thought I'd nip, get out of the house.

ricky:And, er, are they listening to Xfm?

steve:Well no she doesn't speak English. I'm not made of money, Rick.

steve:You know, if I can help out a young immigrant lady, then um, then I will do, and there are so many things I can do for her, in so many ways.

ricky:Yeah, yeah.

steve:But her picking up my old tea towels and stuff is ideal, so that's why I'm here, but I just- all I'm worried about is, I think people kind of associate with the name Ricky Gervais, they associate a certain level of quality, you know, your live stand up DVDs, there's a level of quality, you put a lot of work into them, you've honed it. The TV work you've done likewise. Should people expect the same from the radio show?

ricky:Definitely not.

steve:No.

ricky:Definitely not. Those things, you, you, you know, you sit down, we write them, for a long time, we write 'em for a year, maybe, then film them, we worry about everything, this is, I really... I'm not even sure I'm talking into the mic at the moment.

ricky:I was actually doodling as you saw there. I'm eating a sandwich as we speak.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:You know, you know, if you... although we do like music. That is true.

steve:That's absolutely right.

ricky:Should we just play some great records?

steve:Let's play a great record now.

ricky:U2, City of Blinding Light, I'll tell you what, I love U2 now.

steve:Yeah?

ricky:I honestly hated them, sort of everything from Boy up to about, I think...

ricky:...Beautiful Day, when that came out, I thought 'oh that's alright', listened to the album, listened to this album, I love 'em now Steve. That's a turnaround innit.

steve:Well yeah, it's that kind of musical insight that I'm looking for throughout this show.

ricky:I sounded like Dr Fox then didn't I?

steve:Yeah, just finding out some of your tastes and wants and needs...

ricky:Dr Fox, what's happened to him? Is he off air now?

ricky:Cos that's one of the reasons I put no effort into this radio show. Because, you know, we go to the Golden Globes, the same month we do nothing at The Sony, and Dr Fox actually said 'that's because you're not very good.'

steve:I like the fact that the Dr Fox criticisms really hit you quite hard.

steve:You know...

ricky:Still talking about it a year later.

steve:Exactly, you gotta let it go Rick.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:But then again, you know he is a medical man.

ricky:Yeah, well you know you gotta believe him.

steve:Trust his opinion.

ricky:Exactly, yeah, yeah, I could have done without the rectal examination, I think he could have just said 'you're not very good, try and enunciate, not 'I know what the problem is, oh let's have a look down here.'

steve:Exactly.

ricky:Karl had to... you had to go to one of those Well clinics didn't you?

karl:No, I haven't gone.

ricky:Why?

karl:Cos I'm not happy with it.

ricky:What?

karl:I'm not happy with the whole, it's just, do people know what them places, places are...

ricky:Well they give you a whole...

karl:Have you heard of them?

ricky:Well I've had one, yeah. They, they take, they check everything.

steve:Which, you know, Suzanne me girlfriend was like, you know, you're 30-odd now, when was the last time you went to the doctor's and I hadn't been for ages, cos I...

ricky:I know, I never go, I never go, unless I honestly think I'm gonna die there in agony.

karl:They can always find something.

ricky:Jane made me go to one of those Well things. Those Bupa things, where they do, yeah, couple a hundred quid and they give you complete head to toe, don't they...

karl:But, but, head to bottom...

karl:...is what it is. They do they old... finger up the arse thing.

steve:Now, what is that testing for?

ricky:What I like is, he said it quietly, cos he's on the radio, you can't say arse, say it quietly.

ricky:Say it quietly, yeah, yeah. (quietly) arse, arse. That was what our mistake was, cos we got a complaint upheld didn't we, for saying, and I'm talking about a male chicken here, which is a cock as you know, but we said that word right, so if we had gone (quietly) “cock”, we would probably have gotten away with it.

steve:You can get away with murder if you just whisper it.

ricky:So go on, go on then, yeah, so...

karl:I just, I just, I'm not going, cos I'm not having that done, I don't understand, what they're gonna find up there, that's...

steve:Your head?

karl:Why can't, why can't they, you know it's the heart I worry about, the most.

steve:You mean that in a kind of romantic sense?

karl:No, I mean like, you know...

ricky:They'd have to have a long finger wouldn't they, to check that out, they go 'there's something wrong with your left ventricle.'

steve:This thing about... this thing about doctors, they hold your testicles and they make you cough.

ricky:Yeah, they don't hold your testicles any more, they just put it like by the side of them.

steve:...and what is that testing for?

ricky:I don't know, I think it's something to do with, if you've got something wrong with your diaphragm or something like that, you can't do it when they press there, I don't know, it shows them something, it's not doctors having a quick feel.

steve:So...

ricky:Well, that's good, cos you remember when Karl said he's gonna die of cancer, and I said 'why?' and he said 'I don't check me balls', I said 'why?', he said 'I don't like the feel'.

ricky:So they feel it for ya, they feel 'em for ya and you can just relax, shut your eyes and think of England.

karl:Well don't mess with 'em.

ricky:What do you mean?

karl:You can do more damage messing about with them, just leave 'em. There's two anyway, you can afford to lose one.

ricky:Yeah... I don't think that's the point, I think the point is it sort of spreads doesn't it, you know, you've gotta check...

karl:Yeah, I mean I'm not saying, you know, don't do it, cos they spend a lot of money saying to people have a quick feel if you've got the time what have you.

karl:But I don't worry about it, leave it. Leave it alone.

ricky:(Laughing) Why?

steve:Why out of interest, why do doctors stick fingers up your (quietly) arse.

ricky:To check your prostate.

steve:Check your prostate?

ricky:Yeah cos if it's swollen, yeah, it can, you know, it can lead to all sorts of problems. Again, they're not having a laugh Karl. They're not going, “here y'are, look at this little bald Manc fella...

karl:There's no nice way...

ricky:...I'll feel his balls, stick a finger up his arse and send him home, 300 quid please, on you go.” 'What about me heart?' “It's fine.” They're all laughing.

steve:“Roger, Geoff, stand behind that two-way mirror...”

ricky:Yeah! “Watch this!”

karl:Oh I'm not going anyway.

ricky:Really? You're not going cos you...

karl:No I'm not happy with that, it doesn't even matter, it's not the fact that it's a stranger, if it was someone who I knew... it would be just as bad.

ricky:(Exploding with laughter) That would be worse!! Imagine that! At a dinner party, oh god, “oh hello, hello Roger and Selina, do you mind, Roger, do you mind...”

steve:Would you allow any of the celebrity doctors to do it though, Dr Dre?

ricky & steve:Dr Fox?

ricky:Any of those?

steve:Dr Who?

karl:I just don't understand in this day and age, why...

ricky:Would you allow Christopher Ecclestone to stick his big Northern finger up your...

karl:Let's... do you want a song on anyway?

ricky:What? Beanie Sigel, I love this track.

steve:This is very urban for you Rick.

ricky:Beanie Sigel - Feel it in the Air. Beautiful track, isn't it?

steve:Oh, it's wonderful, and on a lovely summer's day like this as well, Rick, it's the ideal choice. Wonderful, that one.

ricky:Well, I'm a little bit worried that If there are any new listeners - very unlikely - that they may, you know, be familiar with our work, but they might not know the, the wonderful little gem that we found, just there, a little rough diamond in the, in the... mud.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Karl Pilkington.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Just working here, just working away as a little producer, little sound man.

steve:A drone.

ricky:Yeah. And we gave him his opportunity, didn't we?

karl:Mmmm...

ricky:It's like Cinderella, wasn't it?

steve:Yep. And he grasped that opportunity, didn't you? - by the horns. And three years later you're exactly where you started.....

steve:....So, good work.

karl:I've got Mondays off now.

steve:Well, I thought maybe a useful way of introducing the mind of Karl Pilkington...

ricky:Yeah

steve:....to our new audience....

ricky:You use that term loosely.

steve:Yeah, when I say 'mind', I don't ..... yeah

ricky:Yeah

steve:Um, I thought what, what....

ricky:Look at his face!

steve:Ah! There is a website, have you got the website address?

ricky:Oh, there's a website that we've just found. Right, Karl, what is the address?

steve:If you are unfamiliar with what Karl looks like....

ricky:Please log onto this now.

steve:Log onto this website and stay tuned, but just... log onto the website, 'cos you'll see Karl's face, you'll see some of his pearls of wisdom....

ricky:Yeah. And what's it, what's the address, Karl?

karl:Uhhh...freewebs dot com....

ricky:Doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou dot...

karl:Yep... freewebs dot com

ricky:....freewebs dot com

karl:Yep... forward slash

ricky:Yeah

karl:Uh, the dash K dash man, forward slash...

steve:The K-man. It's complicated.

karl:It is, yeah.

ricky:Do it again. Say it again. But get a pencil....they've all got a pencil now...

karl:Freewebs dot com...

ricky:One word.

karl:..slash the dash K dash man forward slash.

steve:Now, when you say 'dash', is it a dash or is it an underscore?

ricky:Is it an underscore, is it in the middle of the word, or... does it hover in the middle of the word, or is it at the bottom?

karl:It's just a line, and that.

ricky:Yeah, I know, but is it an underscore or is it a dash?

karl:Try both.

ricky:He copied it down!

karl:(???) have a go.

ricky:That's the sort of level we're talking about.

steve:Well, already you've got some insight into the mind of Karl Pilkington.

ricky:Yeah, absolutely, yeah...

steve:But I thought what we should do is we could (???)hi-jack..

ricky:(???)Imagine that. Imagine Bill Gates -

steve:Yeah. Or a teacher -

ricky:A teach-

steve:- in an exam: 'Pop down both'.

ricky:Multiple choice!

steve:Yeah,

ricky:Yeah, okay....

steve:But, anyway, yeah, if you're a reader of the Weekend Guardian, you'll know there's this thing called the Q&A, which they give to celebrities and thinkers, and the like. And basically it's a series of questions they pose to people each week, and it's the same questions. And it gives a little insight into people's minds, the way they think.

ricky:What particular, what thinker-philosopher is in this week's?

steve:It's the lead singer of Feeder.

steve:So, um....you're in good company, Karl.

ricky:No, I like Feeder.

steve:No, fine.

ricky:I love Feeder.

steve:So, Karl, I'm just gonna fire a couple of these questions at you. We'll really drop them in throughout the course of this show, just to try and get a sense of who you are. Um... so here's the first up, first question, alright? Got your thinking head on?

karl:Go on.

ricky:You wurzel.

steve:What is your idea of perfect happiness?

karl:Ehhh....what, for me, or...?

steve:Or every-

ricky:No, Ronnie Corbett.

karl:No, no, but what... Do you mean, like, what would make me happy, or for everyone to be happy.

ricky:No, what would make you happy. Maybe that is, maybe that's the answer - your idea of perfect happiness is everyone being happy. I don't know. What's your, what would make you totally....

steve:Unlikely, Rick. I imagine it's a twenty-four-hour monkey channel on, like, Sky...

ricky:Yeah, yeah...Okay, go on. A never-ending popsicle.

steve:What's your idea of perfect happiness?

ricky:Go on, go on....

karl:Ehhh....I don't think I've had it yet, where I'm like really, really happy with anything.

ricky:Karl, I've never seen you really happy, no.

karl:No, but....um...

steve:When have you been at your happiest?

karl:Probably... I like, sort of, fish fingers, potato cakes and beans, for a... for tea.

ricky:Yeah. You're not...yeah.

steve:Right, well, let's move on. We'll come back to that one.

ricky:I don't think you're aiming high enough for, uh...

karl:Well, what would your answer be for that? When are you happy? What would make you happy?

ricky:I wouldn't have the, I'd have fish fingers, but I probably wouldn't have the potato cakes.

steve:Yeah

ricky:I'd have fish fingers and beans.

steve:See, I'm not a huge fan of the beans.

ricky:Really? So your idea of perfect happiness is probably just fish fingers, is it?

steve:Just the fish fingers.

ricky:Okay, good.

steve:Alright, second question: what is your greatest fear, Karl.

karl:Mmm...going to the doctor's.

ricky:So, so...presumably, uh, ill health and mortality.

karl:Ehhhh....

steve:No, just the doctor's.

karl:No, I don't-

ricky:Any particular doctor?

karl:I don't want to live forever, either.

ricky:No, no...

karl:I just want a good innings. I just want to get to about eighty....eighty-three, eighty-four?

ricky:So specific....so specific! Yeah, okay...

steve:Which living person do you most admire?

karl:Ehhhh.....

steve:Which person throughout any time in history do you most admire?

karl:Winston Churchill's pretty good.

steve:You like him?

ricky:Yeah. Very good.

karl:Yeah, he's alright.

steve:Why?

ricky:Good answer.

karl:'Cos, if it wasn't for him, we'd be talking German. And I'm not that good at that. So...

ricky:(???) he's not that good at that. I love the fact that even if the Nazis won, right, in 1945, and we'd be now speaking German, he still wouldn't be that good at it. Although he's not good at English. So, yeah, I suppose he's, I suppose that's true, isn't it? Yeah...

steve:Alright, well, here's one, here's the final one for now. Do you believe in capital punishment?

karl:Ehhhh....

ricky:That's not hitting Dr Fox over the head with a stick.

karl:Depends....depends what for, doesn't it?

ricky:Go on.

karl:Oh, if it's something bad. And uh...

ricky:Well, I assume it would be. They don't, they don't kill people now for parking illegally.

karl:But what sort of, what sort of thing are you talking about? What sort of punishment?

steve:Capital punishment.

karl:Yeah, I know, but what is that, what are you talking about?

ricky:Well, guillotine, hanging...

karl:Uhhhh...hanging's a bit bad.

ricky:Yeah. Can be fatal, can't it? What do you mean hanging's a bit bad?

karl:It's just....

ricky:It's all bad. Why kill, why should the state kill someone.

karl:Because prisons are getting a bit busy, aren't they?

ricky:Brilliant.

karl:I just, what's, what's the point in keeping them a- you know, people, people around...

ricky:Well, what's the point in killing them?

karl:Just 'cos it's like, 'Right, that's that done. Who's next?' (???)

karl:What can you do with someone if they're mental?

steve:Employ them on a radio show!!!

ricky:Yeah

steve:Play a record, Karl.

ricky:Right, next question

steve:Play a record. We'll come back to the questions.

karl:I've, uhh, what do you want, what have you got in here?

steve:Rick, I know you're a massive fan of The Thorns.

ricky:Yeah, I love them.

steve:Maybe you're less familiar with the different elements of The Thorns' solo work.

ricky:No, I...

steve:This is a track from Matthew Sweet.

ricky:Oh, yeah.

steve:Xfm 104.9, Matthew Sweet and a song called 'In My Time', Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

ricky:It's great that.

steve:Yeah, just asking Karl some of these Q&A questions.

ricky:This might be my idea of perfect happiness, being in a room with Karl Pilkington, just watching him, I just watch him look around, when you're talking he looks at you and it's like you know when an owner says it's like the cat can understand what I'm saying, he's on the edge of that, the edge of that, you think he can and I know he understands the words, but I don't think he understands the full impact. He never, whenever you say something to him, it might be something, a revelation, he always picks up on the wrong side but that's not the important bit, you know what I mean? He always goes...

steve:It's a bit like having a 14-year-old French exchange student, their English isn't amazing, they roughly understand you, they're trying to piece together what you're saying...

ricky:Exactly. But it's great you see the thing about Karl is, and don't take this the wrong way, I like him because he's stupid, in a way.

ricky:Look! I'm not being funny, but do you know what I mean? But even though I think he is considered stupid, some of the things he says, I think borders on the, I don't know what the PC term is, the retarded.

ricky:Do you know what I mean Karl?

steve:Anything in particular you're thinking of there Rick, when you think of the...?

ricky:Well, um, he was talking to me the other day that I'm trying to write a show called Science and he's sort of gonna help me out with some of the research. I want him to do something on the DVD for it right, and he was talking about it and he's talking about, he says like in the future they reckon we'll be able to, soon he said, they'll be able to take us into space and it's going to cost us £150,000 and said what's the point, there's nothing up there. He said when they went up there right, he said when Louis Armstrong went in 1966.

ricky:Right, he said there was nothing there, there was him, a fellow called Buzz and there was one, the third bloke who didn't even get out of the spaceship. He said he went all that way he didn't get out to stretch his legs, how good can it be? Forget it.

ricky:That's him summing up space exploration.

karl:Don't you agree with that? What's the point in going up there?

steve:Because you're expanding...

ricky:Are we talking about the finger in the arse again here, or in space?

karl:What is the point in going?

steve:Because you're expanding, you know, human endeavour aren't you and human understanding of the world and the universe, what else are we going to do as a civilisation, as a people if we're not constantly searching and reaching out into the far distance.

karl:But there's nothing there!

ricky:I know some people you grew up with haven't left their street, but that's not everyone.

steve:What do you mean there is nothing there though? What has got to be there for it to be a worthwhile ...

karl:Just something.

steve:Like what ...

ricky:What would you be happy with finding up on the moon?

steve:A Blockbuster video?

karl:Just, just ... just something. I don't think they looked hard enough anyway when they got there, cos they seemed to get out, have a bit of a dance about and then they came straight back and I sort of think, you know, did they look properly?

ricky:It's not a day trip is it?

karl:But what I mean is ...

steve:But they took that car up there this didn't they and drove around a bit.

karl:Yeah but only a little bit. What I mean is say if an alien landed in Africa there's not much there so they go 'pff...'.

ricky:What do you mean there's not much there?

karl:It's a bit barren innit.

ricky:What, Africa? Just in general?

karl:Well, anywhere like that, desert or whatever, what I'm saying is have a good look round.

ricky:It's got ... probably where all life came from and probably half a million species of animal live there ...

karl:Yeah I just mean buildings and that and stuff.

ricky:Oh buildings.

karl:Just stuff.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:I mean, did they look properly? Or did they just land, get out, go 'uh, bit dusty' whatever. 'Right, let's go back.' I just think it's a bit pointless, especially when we haven't done everything there is to do here.

ricky:Go on.

karl:Well, I don't know but I'm sure there is stuff ... that needs sorting out.

ricky:Well, I know of a place that no medical man has been ...

ricky:In this room ... there's definitely an unexplored cavern, sitting right in front of ...

karl:Alright Steve, would you go to the moon if someone said there's a space.

ricky:He doesn't mosh at a concert because he's scared his glasses might fall off, of course he wouldn't go to the moon, they'd spin him around in training, his glasses would come off and that would be it, he'd feel sick.

steve:My worry is that I'd have to cos, would I be able to wear them under the helmet?

ricky:Imagine him!

steve:Like, I went paintballing once and I had to wear the glasses underneath the mask and course it was hot weather it was awful it steamed up in there.

steve:It was terrible, I couldn't see anything, I got shot straight away, I was out of the game. It was pointless. It cost me like eight quid.

karl:You don't have to be that fit anyway do you? You're only sort of sat there.

ricky:Well ... no ... well yeah ... what are you talking about? Think of g-force alone and weightlessness, of course you've got to be ... what?

steve:I think when you said 'think of g-force', he thought of G4, the follow-up winners in Pop Idol, I could see it as his eyes glazed over, a couple more quick questions for you Karl, just to get inside your mind, um, what is your greatest regret?

karl:Probably, I didn't do that well at school did I? So I'm trying to, like, learn stuff now.

steve:Yeah. How is that going?

karl:Not mentally ...

ricky:He reckons he has learned more in the last three months than in the rest of his life, reading a couple of science books that I gave him.

steve:Well, that's impressive. We'll test you on that later on.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:What keeps you awake at night?

karl:Well, I live in, sort of, central London don't I, so it's ...

ricky:Brilliant.

karl:... noisy.

steve:Traffic. I think they were thinking more ...

ricky:What, what, fears have you got, what worries, do you ponder the expansion of the universe, do you worry about ...

karl:There's no point, there's no point is there, because there's nothing I can do about it.

ricky:So with you it's what, the little Chinese fella across the road?

karl:Just, just stuff that I've got to sort out, you know any bills or anything, I don't worry about the world ending or anything, what's the point in that?

ricky:Yeah that's true, that is true.

karl:I can't do anything about it. I always think that people with more, sort of, intelligence have the world on their shoulders. Cos they're worrying about stuff that is miles away, where I'm like happy if the sun's out, it's like 'oh it's a nice day'.

steve:Very Zen.

karl:But I don't worry about wars and stuff going on, cos there's nowt I can do.

ricky:What would you do if there was a war that maybe there was...

karl:What here?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Go on holiday.

steve:Play a record Karl.

ricky:The Who. I mean that's gotta be one of the best rock tracks ever hasn't it?

steve:I agree.

ricky:Did I sound like Dr.Fox again?

steve:A little bit. It's a good thing.

ricky:Yeah, it's a good thing isn't it? Yeah. We're going to get a Sony award this year. Karl, how you doing?

karl:I'm alright yeah

ricky:It's good to be back isn't it?

karl:We doing Rockbusters in a bit or what?

ricky:Have we got Rockbusters?

karl:Well..

ricky:Hallelujah!

steve:I'll tell you this, new listeners won't believe their luck when they hear Rockbusters.

ricky:Hold on, we've got Rockbusters, have we got, dare I say it, have we got Monkey News Karl?

karl:Erm, well I've been away haven't I? So I've sort of got a few things that I've read about roughly, but I don't know the full ins and outs.

ricky:You're joking, because usually you do your research quite well, you get it off Ananova and read the top line.

steve:What are you saying though? Are you saying that it's kind of Monkey News?

karl:Well, we might have time to do some later.

ricky:Well we've got to have Monkey News.

steve:I love it when he teases us with his Monkey News.

karl:We've had E-mails about that website address..

ricky:Yeah..

karl:It was a, what's its name, underscore.

ricky:An underscore, ok, so give it out one more time, go to this to find out about Karl Pilkington, someones put a lot of effort, it's a really good websites, there's some great pictures of Karl.

karl:It's, well they're not great, it's just..erm.. Freewebs.com/The_K_Man/

ricky:Ok, forward slashes all the way.

karl:Yeah.

steve:Except the underscores.

ricky:Except the underscores, yeah.

steve:This is interminable, isn't it interminable giving out website addresses?

ricky:I know yeah

steve:Rubbish. It's so boring.

ricky:Yeah. Is he enjoying the show?

karl:He just says, "I love spending two hours on a Saturday listening about finger parties, doctors squeezing testicles and making you cough, have you got any news on the Hairy Chinese Kid?"

ricky:Well when you say it like that some of the stuff we come up with does sound a little, you know, drivel, sometimes.

steve:Well...yeah..

ricky:Karl was worried about swearing, because we were talking about fingers up the arse and that he was getting a bit worried. I don't have a problem with swearing but I see why you can't say some words on radio, it might be offensive to the people listening, you know the F word, the C word and all those, but when they bleep it out in a record, they bleep out the vowel. So in the F word they bleep out the U so it goes FbleepCK. So they go 'It's not offensive I didn't hear the vowel'?

steve:Presumably, yeah.

ricky:So if you change the vowel? It's not? You know what I mean? So yeah, in the C word can I say..Can I talk about the philosopher Immanuel Kant?

steve:Well you can talk about Immanuel Kant because he's one of the great thinkers of all time

ricky:So Kant is not an offensive word because the vowel is different?

karl:Leave it then

ricky:You know what I mean though?

steve:I can see how it can be offensive

karl:No, but..

ricky:You can't. He's a thinker, a philosopher, his name is Kant, that's his actual name, he hasn't changed his name. I think he comes from a long line of Kants. I think his Father is, his Grandfather..

karl:Yeah, alright..

steve:They're all different German people.

ricky:Germany is, I assume, full of Kants.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:What?

karl:So what else was on.

ricky:So you can change the vowel, so could I say..erm..could I say..

karl:Probably not.

ricky:What if I change two words? What if I say cump? C, U, M, P. That's not offensive at all is it?

steve:That can't be offensive.

ricky:So I could say you folcking cump?

karl:Alright, ok.

steve:I need a shnit.

steve:That'll be fine.

ricky:Wonker, Willy Wonka.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Willy Wonka. Although, Willy, is willy offensive? Because you say Willy.

steve:It's tricky.

ricky:Willy Wonka and his folcking cumps. That'll be fine.

steve:That'll be absolutely fine.

ricky:Is that alright Karl?

karl:Got any other questions or anything Steve?

steve:Not as much a question but its something I think might be of interest to you Karl, I was reading this in the paper and I don't know how fascinated you are by people of the Japanese persuasion, erm, two elderly men found on a remote island are thought to be Japanese soldiers, in hiding since 1945 desperate to go home. Diplomats from Tokyo are investigating the claims of these men who are 87 and 83.

karl:Hmm.

ricky:What? What are you thinking there?

karl:No, go on.

ricky:I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking, go on, say what you're thinking

karl:Are they that old though?

ricky:Why? Why? Say why.

karl:I don't want to. Just leave it.

ricky:Karl's got a theory, well, I mean, I don't think this is fine, Karl's views don't reflect the views of XFM. Right, Karl's got a theory that Oriental people don't age well.

steve:Sure. No let Karl..

karl:That annoys me the way..I think..people probably agree with me but for some reason. The first time I said that I wasn't even worried about it but now because of the reaction of people, I don't understand, I don't know why I can't say that.

steve:What's your theory? Explain your theory in a nutshell.

karl:Just that you don't see, a sort of, 33 year old Chinese person.

karl:No, but at the same time..

steve:What do you mean you don't see a 33 year old Chinese person.

karl:I'm not having a go, but at the same time you don't see that many fat ones either, so in a way that's good news, nobody would be upset about that

ricky:But your news isn't bad news because it's not true.

steve:But wait, stop, what do you mean you don't see a 33 year old Chinese person? I don't understand, you don't see them, what do you see then?

karl:Sort of, you know, young ones and then erm you don't see that middle ground.

ricky:I don't see what this theory is based on.

steve:So you see old ones? You see young ones? But you never see any inbetween?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:What do you mean? So what's the oldest Chinese person you've seen before the age of 33?

karl:About 22.

ricky:22. So you've seen lots of 22 years olds? So you've seen babies to 22 year old Chinese people? That's fact. So what gap to you miss out? When do they pop back up on the radar for you? What age has a Chinese person got to be to be older than that?

karl:About 49.

steve:Always so specific. What do you mean they never seem to age well? What do you mean they don't age well? So do you think that middle age ones looks old?

ricky:Because you think at 23 they go, they sing Happy Birthday to you, and they look up and go "oh Jesus, you're 52". What do you mean?

karl:No I just mean that they don't age that well. There's nothing wrong with that, I don't know what it is in them, but they just don't. Well, alright then, here's a question. You tell me of a Chinese person on the telly who's about 32.

ricky:Tell me of a Chinese person on the telly first.

ricky:Give me some great gamut of Chinese talent currently on British Television, and I'll pick and choose. Go on then.

karl:Bruce Lee.

ricky:How long's he been dead, Bruce Lee? 70's wasn't it? Not really on the telly much was he?

karl:What age was he when he died?

steve:33 I think.

karl:Well I would never have guessed that.

ricky:How old did you think he was?

karl:Probably about..42.

ricky:You know Burt Kwouk?

karl:Yeah, he's old.

ricky:Yeah, do you remember the Pink Panther films?

karl:No.

ricky:Ok, he wasn't that old in them because it was 60s/70s

karl:How old did he look though? If he walked in and someone said 'You'll never guess how old he is" what would you have said?

karl:Alright then, there's my point then. There's my point.

steve:I have to say, I've been listening to you two talk, and I like the idea that there's some people who have been waiting 18 months for some of this.

steve:For the Kant discussion, and the Orientals..

ricky:Do you know what I think? I think that Kant, as a philosopher, is very popular in Essex because I hear them saying his name all the time. They're all shouting..

steve:Kings of Leon on XFM. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington...Karl! Dead air!

ricky:Talk!

karl:I'm just looking at it now.

ricky:Yeah, but that's no good on radio! You can't just look at something, you've gotta talk.

steve:Is he even more backward than I remember?

ricky:I don't know.

karl:It's just that someone's E-mailed in.

ricky:Yeah so you've got to tell the listeners that.

karl:Yeah I know, I know. I'm telling them now, I'm telling them now, I'm doing it. Someone's E-mailed in from Tokyo saying that he's getting married in a few months to a Japanese woman, she's 27. "Just want to know how long I've got before she starts looking old."

steve:Well, how long dya reckon according to your theory?

karl:Hmm, about..probably about 4 years. About 4 years and that..so..

steve:What would you advise him? To get out now or?

karl:Well, have some good sort of wedding pictures done and that.

ricky:Oh Karl, it's not true. The theory's not true.

karl:Well we'll see, we'll see won't we?

ricky:Oh yeah, great, in four years time he's going to send the picture in going "Oh you were right Karl she looks like a prune". What? He's going to suddenly start saying that his girlfriend...it's not true..it's not going to happen.

karl:It's that thing though innit of like, looking at her mam, there's a lot of truth in that isn't there? That you shouldn't really meet up with your girlfriends parents and that because you just sort of get a little taster of what's to come and what have you.

ricky:And what's to come with yours?

karl:Erm...it's a good job I didn't meet her early on.

karl:No no

ricky:You're going to be in such trouble!

karl:They don't listen, it's alright.

ricky:Don't they? Well Suzanne does, doesn't she?

karl:She'll probably be out.

ricky:Really?

karl:But she knows.

steve:She's got some sense.

ricky:Yeah, when you get back. Yeah, you went on holiday with them didn't you?

karl:Erm, yeah, we've been on since then though haven't we?

ricky:Don't think so.

karl:Yeah went on holiday last week, been away, but that was just me and Suzanne. Talk about that later.

ricky:Was it? Yeah ok, that's coming up.

steve:Plus of course Rockbusters. The return of Rockbusters.

ricky:Let's start Rockbusters, let's do Rockbusters, let's get it rolling, because I have got some amazing prizes. I went to the Americas and I brought back gifts, not your tobacco and your potatoes but brilliant prizes. Now quite seriously these are not the usual tat. You will win some tat for Rockbusters, ok, we've got DVDs, CDs, things like that. But the winner of Rockbusters today will go through for the chance to win the prizes in week six, we're only here for six weeks by the way. This is our first of six shows.

steve:Thank God for that.

ricky:Yeah, and I got, I went to do the Simpsons last weekend and I've got a drawing here, an original drawing of Homer by Matt Groening, see that, look at that, it's Homer there. Your pal Matt Groening May 18th 2005 and Homer's saying "I love Karl, because he's stupid like me". And that's going to be framed, original drawing, now that is worth, I think, a lot but I promise Matt Groening it will not go on Ebay so please I hope it goes to a fan. Erm, I've also got a rare Spinal Tap poster, met with Christopher Guest and he's signed that Nigel Tufnel. So fans of Spinal Tap and The Simpsons, possibly the two greatest things ever I think.

steve:Yeah, yeah.

ricky:Also, my friend Rob who did Flanimals with me has drawn us three as Flanimals. There's Steve there, a little Gog-Lanker. There's me there a little Bloat-Dumplunt, little Karl Pilkington..Pinkloid Numskrunt. And these are all going to be framed so some very nice prizes. And I got a little surprise for you, obviously I met Homer erm Press that little button there, listen to this.

homer:Hi this is Homer Simpson, I like Karl and his perfectly bald, round head. If you put three holes in it it looks just like my bowling ball.

karl:Brilliant.

steve:Actual proof that you've met the people themselves, that the prizes are bonafide and genuine, but don't enter this weeks Rockbusters thinking you're going to win those prizes automatically. This week you just win the usual tat.

ricky:What is the tat Steve?

steve:Well we'll talk about that shortly.

ricky:Ok, it's worth waiting for.

steve:But you go forward to the big showdown, the big final competition in week six where you get the chance to win those quite extraordinary prizes.

ricky:One person wins all those beautiful collectible prizes.

karl:So just everyone goes in the draw?

ricky:Yeah, the winners of each week go in the the draw. What is Rockbusters Karl? We've wet their appetite.

steve:I think play a record and maybe some wonderful adverts and then come back with Rockbusters. It's that the kind of teasing that has made this a potentially award winning show.

ricky:Bronze I think next year.

steve:Yeah.

karl:Can we just swap that round and do ads and a song

steve:Whatever way suits you mate, go on.

steve:XFM, 104.9 Magic Numbers. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

ricky:Well, I'm a little bit worried. I've just got to warn the listener. If we suddenly just go off air, right, it's because champagne is pouring down a hole where there's loads of wires into the desk. 'Cause Steve---

steve:Yeah, sorry about that.

ricky:---getting ready to open the champagne, right, just took that wire thing off, just put it there. Of course, 'cause it's warm, he - it just exploded everywhere.

steve:Yeah, I should explain now, I didn't bring in champagne to toast our return to the radio.

steve:I mean, I'm not an idiot. But, actually, from Focus PR, Ashley has rather nicely sent us some Lindauer sparkling wine. And I'm just trying some and it's really quite refreshing on this summer's day. So, if you're perhaps working for some kind of PR agency, you know, or any kind of company, and you want to send us stuff which you want us to shamelessly promote on air, then feel free to do that.

ricky:Just looking for free stuff.

steve:Yeah. I mean, you know, electrical goods.

ricky:Oh, so it's not just, like, champagne?

steve:Definitely not.

ricky:'Cause I was gonna say, if other champagne companies - what's that champagne company called that sent us that for free?

steve:That's Lindauer sparkling wine, which I imagine is available now.

ricky:Yeah. So, other champagne companies feeling jealous could send you some and you mention it.

steve:I don't want to exclude anyone from this, you know?

steve:Anyone who's welcome to send anything in.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:And I mean, as I say, I'm genuinely interested in sort of designer goods.

ricky:Okay.

steve:You know, the Apple Mac people. They're welcome to send anything in.

ricky:Sure. Now, what's annoying about that champagne opening like that is that as you know, I've brought my camera in. And I wanted to film you opening that onto Karl's head. Like, the cork

steve:Rick, I got another bottle.

ricky:Have ya?

steve:I don't want you to miss out on an opportunity like that.

ricky:Oh yeah. That's a bit of a waste of champagne, opening two bottles. But Karl, would you mind? 'Cause I - 'cause that would make a cracking noise against your head, that cork going off. And I - 'cause it's such a lovely bald little sort of dome.

steve:Yeah.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Put your head - we'll put your head right down. Yeah?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:He'll open it. We'll see what the cork does and I'll film it for - like, a website or something.

steve:Maybe we'll make that the finale of today's show.

ricky:That'd be great.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Okay.

steve:Sponsored by Lindauer sparkling wine.

karl:Well, I haven't answered that.

ricky:Oh, yeah. The sound of a cracking cork against Karl's skull, sponsored by Lindauer.

steve:Sponsored by Lindauer. Available now.

ricky:Great.

karl:Right, are we doing Rockbusters then?

steve:Oh, you should explain briefly what the concept is, Karl. 'Cause there might be a few new listeners.

ricky:It's Rockbusters. Right, go on then.

steve:Well, it's not Blockbusters.

ricky:No, 'cause they were real clues, weren't they?

steve:Yeah, that was actually---

ricky:He says there are cryptic clues. It's not cryptic.

karl:Yeah.

steve:It's---

ricky:It's, "What am I" - it's, like, "What am I thinking?" This competition is like, "What number am I thinking of?"

steve:Rick, just calm down for a sec. Let me explain basically what the concept is. You remember some of the greats from the past.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Basically, you give some vague clue, is that right Karl? And from that, we're supposed to deduct which band or artist you're thinking of.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:So, for instance, there was one---

ricky:There was one, the West Indian fella spinnin' a fish 'round his head. And that was Detroit Spinners.

steve:"The Trout Spinners."

ricky:Yeah, Detroit Spinners, yeah.

steve:Detroit Spinners. There was also, what happens if you fall over into a puddle in Texas? Wet Knee Houston. Wet Knee.

ricky:Yeah, that is the level of Kar'ls clues.

steve:That's who you're working with.

ricky:Can I just say? There's no irony in this. Karl doesn't think this is quirky or kitsch or ironic. These - he thinks these could go on The Guardian crossword.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Right, okay. So---

steve:This is the best that he can come up with.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Right, so, there's three of 'em, right?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:I give you the cryptic clue.

ricky:Yeah. Not cryptic.

karl:I'm telling you - oh, well, it is.

ricky:Yeah, not really.

karl:I give you some initials of the band or the artist or whatever to help you along as well.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Three of 'em---

steve:This is on the text only. We don't want emails on this one, just---

ricky:It's the one that gets the highest or the first one to get three. The first email with three or the first one that is the highest. So, if no one gets the third one, which I wouldn't blame you for. So, if there's like 30 people that get two, it's the first email that comes in that we pick and they win a handful of tat. Would you like to go through them Steve?

steve:I'll search out the tat. Just - I'm not sure where it is. Yeah.

karl:There's good stuff.

steve:There's some DVDs and stuff there, it's not bad. Yeah. But it means you go forward to the grand final in six weeks' time when you're playing for all that amazing stuff Ricky's got. We got the signed genuine, exclusive drawing of Homer Simpson done by Matt Groening featuring references to Karl. We got the signed Spinal Tap poster. This is big stuff you can't get anywhere else.

ricky:No, it's rare. It's a rare American poster signed by Nigel Tufnel.

steve:And it's such a shame that your only chance of winning it is with this inane quiz.

ricky:Absolutely. It's not down to skill or anything, it's just such a shame that it - the---

karl:Well, let's just do it then.

ricky:Go on, then.

karl:Right. The first one.

ricky:Go on.

karl:What you gotta remember is there's a band or an artist that sort - that XFM play as well, right? Right then. So, the first one.

ricky:Oh yeah, 'cause XFM play the Detroit Spinners and Whitney Houston all the time, don't they?

karl:All right, these three.

ricky:Okay.

karl:(Inaudible) but these are XFM bands.

ricky:Okay, yeah.

karl:Right. If you got - if you got, like, a bulb.

ricky:Oh, Jesus.

ricky:I just - I - you know the thing about a cryptic clue is that every syllable counts. He says it different every time he says it. There'll be something different. No, he's - look. Go on then.

karl:Right. So, if you get a bulb, right?

ricky:A bull? What?

karl:A bulb.

ricky:A "boolb"?

steve:What's a "boolb"?

ricky:What's a "boolb"?

karl:Like, a---

steve:A light boolb.

ricky:A light boolb. Oh, a light boolb. Okay, yeah.

steve:So, you get a light boolb.

ricky:You get a boolb. Yeah. Yeah.

steve:Yeah, go on.

ricky:He's gone. Right, go on.

karl:So, you get a bulb.

ricky:Yeah. A boolb. Yeah. Have you got something in your throat?

ricky:What are you doing? Are you eating a Gobstopper? What are you doing?

karl:Can we play a song then?

steve:No, come on! Get the clue out. For goodness' sake.

ricky:Go on. So, the cryptic clue is, "So, if you get a boolb. Right?" Say it.

steve:That's the beginning. Okay, great.

ricky:"Right, right. If you get a - so, then, right. If you get a boolb, like." Go on.

karl:And you look after it. Right? You look after that bulb.

ricky:Mmm.

karl:And you teach it stuff and all that.

ricky:Jesus Christ.

karl:What are ya doing there, do you know what I mean?

steve:This is extraordinary.

ricky:That's amazing.

steve:This is extraordinary.

ricky:Imagine that written down in The Telegraph.

steve:He's had 18 months to get (inaudible.)

ricky:Imagine it! That's not a clue! That's an essay!

steve:I don't know what it is!

ricky:It's a conversation with himself!

steve:I don't know what it means, a light bulb? A bulb like you plant in the garden? What kind of bulb does he mean?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:It doesn't really matter.

ricky:Oh, okay.

karl:Well, you get a bulb.

ricky:Well, I'll remember that, it doesn't matter.

steve:Okay.

ricky:Okay, it doesn't matter.

karl:No, it does. But I can't say too much.

karl:Right. So, listen, let me just say it again. You get a bulb, right?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:When it's young. You look after that bulb.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:You teach it stuff and what have you. What have you done there? What - what's gone on?

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:And what are the initials of the band?

ricky:So concise!

karl:R. Right?

steve:R.

karl:R for rabbit. Right? So, what's the band there?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Second one.

ricky:Jesus.

karl:People have a problem doing this when they get home from - from, like, a night out drinking. Right. What's the problem you've got? Right? The initial there, K. What's the band? Right? People get in from that - having a night out with - they'll have a problem doing this. What is it? What's - what's - what's the problem?

ricky:Okay.

steve:And clue number 3?

karl:I had a vision of that Chinese flu. Right? That's - that's C. I had a vision of that Chinese flu.

steve:You had a vision of that Chinese flu.

karl:Yeah, and the band---

steve:And that's the letter C.

karl:---C. Right? So, three bands there. Three cryptic clues.

ricky:Not really.

karl:Text in, 83XFM. Just send the three band names. That'll do, won't it?

ricky:Can they do our website as well?

karl:If they want, they can email in.

ricky:Well, tell 'em what it is!

karl:Yeah. [email protected]

ricky:All right.

karl:Just send it in there.

steve:Give 'em again quickly, Karl.

karl:Right then. So, get a bulb when it's young and that, look after it---

ricky:Brilliant. Different. Totally different.

karl:--- teach it stuff---

ricky:Yeah.

karl:--- and all that.

ricky:Okay.

karl:R. R. What's the band, right?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Second one.

ricky:Mmm.

karl:People have a problem doing this when they get home late at night. You know, they've been out drinking and that, they get home, what problem are ya gonna have?

ricky:Yeah. Mmm.

karl:K is the initial.

ricky:Mmm.

karl:Third. Third one. I had a vision of that Chinese flu. What do I mean? Mmm.

ricky:Brilliant.

karl:C. C is the initial.

ricky:Play a record. I mean, it's an abomination. Right, go.