XFM Vault - S04E04 Transcript

ricky: Foo Fighters, Best Of You on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

karl: Alright

ricky: Alright, Karl's had a bad week

steve: Go on.

ricky: I'm gonna say it straight away ... he tries to rule out stress in his life.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But he's had a bit too much stress this week, haven't you? One, a phone call from his mum stressing him a little bit.

steve: Right.

ricky: Summat he said in a magazine about his Aunty came back to haunt him

steve: Aunty Nora?

ricky: Aunty Nora, yeah.

karl: Don't name her.

steve: She knows who she is.

ricky: No no, okay, we won't name her right? We'll just say it's the.. it's the one who farted for five minutes and he saw her skirt when he was young and her fanny looked like a split tennis ball.

karl: So it could be any of me Aunties.

ricky: That coming up, and also a bloke in Times Online, Chris Campling.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Did a review of the show..

steve: Right.

ricky: ..and basically said that Karl Pilkington is a creation of Gervais and Merchant.

steve: Well, if only that were the case.

ricky: He said umm, he started off sounding like the show, he was excited, said it was a good show, a lot of the uhh jokes..

steve: I'm already questioning his critical faculties.

ricky: Yeah, exactly and basically he said that we didn't contribute much or seemingly didn't seem to contribute much and we couldn't sort of like ad-lib or anything, we just laughed at, particularly me, laughed at Karl Pilkington who was coming up with some, you know, quite funny stuff, right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But then he does a Twist on it, he goes.. But the thing is, we're the puppet masters. He's a created person. We've created the persona Karl Pilkington for our own amusement.

steve: Right.

ricky: He bases this on simply that we talked about... What was it we talked about? The Chinese not aging well and he heard him talk about that on my DVD but clearly I say, Karl remember when you were talking about that, It's news or remember in the week. And so he thinks it's all scripted. Imagine if this show was scripted.

steve: I'd be ashamed.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: If this show is scripted, I would send back the BAFTAs for the shows, the actual shows we've written.

ricky: I know, and I'm not having a go at Chris Campling. He's nice about our other work, he likes The Office and he likes my stand-up and everything and he likes the show, but he's saying because we're not spontaneous, we script this and invented Karl. So he's he's like, you know, we've invented another Gareth.

steve: If we had created Karl I would, I would not have squandered a character that good on this poxy radio station.

ricky: Absolutely. Also does he know that we spend about three months on half an hour script? So how long does two hours of drivel?

steve: I know!

ricky: But the main thing is.. as if this could be scripted, it's dreadful!

steve: It's just shocking.

ricky: Or maybe this is scripted.

steve: Hang on, you've lost me now. Let me just check the script.

ricky: Well maybe Chris Campling does not exist. Maybe I've made him up.

steve: I don't know what to believe.

ricky: See the name, the name doesn't wash with me.

steve: What was his name?

ricky: Chris Campling.

steve: Sounds, sounds odd.

ricky: That's something that I made up, isn't it?

steve: Campling, that's almost like, it's almost like a joke, it's almost like a gay name, isn't it? Campling.

ricky: So I think this is scripted.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think I probably made this whole link up, and Karl is a creation. Campling, that's not a real name, I made it up. Should have come up with something better, sorry.

ricky: The River, by Bruce Springsteen, on Xfm 104.9. So yeah a little fella in the times thought Karl was just a puppet, that we created him, he's an actor.. what would his.. what's his actor's name? Umm.. Brent Hogwell. We got him from Spotlight, Brent Hogwell.

steve: This stupid dopey Mancunian accent, he just puts that on every week.

ricky: Yeah! Exactly. Yeah, he speaks rather like Hugh Grant.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: And uhh we just .. this whole world around when we say, What do you think about that Karl?

steve: He had his head shaved specially

ricky: Exactly, yeah.

karl: So yeah, does he.. would he think that you know, maybe if he's looked online and seen me head, and he's noticed how round it is and that, does he think it's sort of been sort of, you know, morphed into that shape just for the show, just for two hours on a Saturday?

steve: Yeah, you would spend five hours in prosthetic makeup like John Hurt in The Elephant Man.

ricky: Everything about him is made up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We created him, we created... oh, cause I remember coming up with Aunty Nora.

steve: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: You said "Rick, we need another character", I said 'What about giving him an Aunty Nora?'

steve: Doesn't sound convincing, I said

ricky: Yeah, you said "What is it about her?". I said "Well, I don't know umm ...she farted for five minutes and she's got a fanny like a split tennis ball."

steve: No-one's gonna believe that!

ricky: Yeah! Oh that brings us neatly ... well let's put that to bed now. So Chris Campling, honestly, honestly, we do not script this shambles of a show and Karl Pilkington really is like this. If you want, you can meet him. I'd love to send Karl for a drink with Chris Campling. Can we do that? And then he'll eat his words.

ricky: Chris, if you're listening, honestly, this isn't a stitch up. As I say, I'm not having a go at you, it's a very well written article. It's very very fair.

steve: I love that, complimenting him on his grammar.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's a very well written article..

ricky: No I'm saying we're not having a go. It's not like he slagged us off, he's just.. I would just love him to meet Karl Pilkington. People in the street come up to me and say 'Is Karl like that?' and I so want them to meet him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or, or maybe he can send in, if he's online, he can send in five subjects for Karl to talk about we couldn't possibly know about, just so he knows that we just really do throw things at Karl and that drivel comes out.

ricky: Imagine if it was scripted. But anyway, so Chris Campling or anyone who knows Chris, online, get him to email us and with five subjects that he can talk about. That's a good idea isn't it, Karl?

karl: It is like I'm the Elephant Man, the way I'm being treated now.

karl: Just sort of like..

ricky: I scripted that. I wrote that joke last night.

steve: Are you sure?

ricky: Or is it yours?

steve: I don't know.

ricky: Karl enters and says "I'm like the elephant man."

steve: Hang on, let me just check the credits on the script.

karl: I'll tell you what though, Steve.

ricky: Go on.

karl: That I found out about the Elephant Man, when I was talking to Ricky.

ricky: What?

karl: You know the only bit that was normal on him?

ricky: Oh, yeah. I know, it was in the film. You know, that bit in the film. I was watching it one day, it was on and I said "Look, your favorite film's on" and it came to the bit where he was being exhibited and he was naked behind the screen to all the doctors. Go on, what did you say? And there's a bit where is goes umm.. "And strangely, the only thing that is normal are his genitals. They're untouched by this disease. They are totally normal." Right, and what did you say?

karl: It's a bit annoying, innit? It's like the only bit that you'd want as an elephant.

ricky: The only bit you'd want that was like an elephant.

steve: Sure, that was like an elephant. Yeah, no, I can see that.

ricky: Yeah, and he got the head. So, so other stressful things.

steve: But so anyway your.. what's the Aunty Nora thing? Sorry, I should.. 'Aunty X'

ricky: Aunty X

steve: What did she say.. why is she upset?

ricky: Well, he mentioned her in Zoo. He did this thing for Zoo magazine, and he mentioned about when he looked up her dress, it, she had..

karl: By accident, remember.

ricky: I'm not suggesting you were going round looking up your elderly relatives dresses in case they weren't wearing..

steve: For people who have not heard Karl talk about this in the past, just explain quickly again what we're talking about.

ricky: (laughing) and he didn't want to talk about it at all!

karl: When I was a kid, right, Aunty Nora used to come around... me Aunty used to come round..

ricky: As if there's any ambiguity now!

karl: Me Aunty used to come round and that, and stay, right, and I'm sat on the floor watching telly. All right. She sat on the sofa with a Caftan on.

ricky: Ha!

karl: I turn round, right, and it was, it was there..

steve: It was looking back at you.

karl: Looking at me, right, and we've mentioned this and I just.. Ricky sort of said what did it look like and, you know, a split tennis ball came to mind. That's what we talked about, right? So anyway Zoo magazine when they did the interview..

ricky: She's the one that used to put a valance and everything, isn't it?

karl: Well not everything, obviously.

karl: So anyway, so I've done this..

steve: So you did an interview in Zoo.

karl: Yeah, and like they said, you know do you.. again it was like, you know, do you plan stuff? And do you worry about stuff when, after you've done the show are you worried you've upset anyone? And you know, I was saying really I forget people are listening and you know, we're just having a chat. We're mates, and that. I said, but now and again I do worry when I'm on me way home from the show on that, and I'm thinking about what we've talked about and I was saying, you know the Aunty Nora inci.. ohh...

karl: The Aunty Nora incident.

ricky: Incident! Like Watergate.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And uhh, anyway, so this was in there, right, and I was saying in the magazine, you know, but I think I got away with it. She doesn't doesn't listen to the show, but you know, I don't think she reads Zoo magazine, so..

steve: She's more of a Nuts woman.

steve: Sure. Yeah.

karl: So anyway, so me mam calls up the other week, right, and she goes, "I wish you wouldn't, you know, talk about Aunty Nora and that", and I was like "Oh, so how'd you know about that?" She goes "Well one of your cousin's have called us up and said they've read the article about it. So uhh yeah, that's why we don't want to talk about it really."

steve: Oh dear.

ricky: So he's stitched you up.

steve: So do you know what Aunty X has made of this? Do you know if she was upset or not?

karl: Err, well, she doesn't, she doesn't know about it.

steve: Because I mean maybe she's always thought it looked like a split tennis ball. Maybe you're just in sync, you know, because you're relatives and stuff. Maybe she knew instantly. Even if you hadn't named her, she'd have thought "Hang on, I farted for five minutes once."

ricky: Yeah, that's not gonna be ambiguous, is it?

steve: It could well be me.

ricky: If you hear someone who farted for five minutes once and has got a fanny like a split tennis ball, you're gonna go "I wonder if he means me." You're going to remember that.

steve: Or Aunty Jackie. See, it could be Aunty Jackie!

ricky: Oh god, and he got in trouble, you know last week when he was going to the wedding

karl: Let's talk about that in a bit.

ricky: Okay. Yeah.

karl: Bit of Cure?

steve: I love it, In-Between Days, XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: The Cure, in between days, on Xfm, so Karl you were going to a wedding last week, was it last week or the week before?

karl: It was last Saturday, wasn’t it.

ricky: Yeah, and he went, he said a,I said “looking forward to it”, he went “No that's going to be boring.” Suzanne was listening, knows that the couple were taping the show. So she had to get in there before you, didn’t she? She went up to them and said “look, when he - when you listen back to the show and he says it’s going to be boring, he didn't mean you, he meant weddings in general.” I love the fact she has to run around and clean up after him. It's great, isn't it? How was it?

steve: Do you not like weddings, youre not a fan of them?

karl: Eh, they're only good for the for the people involved. Aren't they?

steve: What are you talking about, getting free food, free booze, free music.

karl: Yeah, But it's not - it's just all the hanging about, and there’s loads of people there you don't know.

ricky: Absolutely, I agree.

karl: Do you know what I mean, you've got to make an effort, - and uh, even the bit that was important, right, when they were getting married, right, there wasn't enough chairs, cause ah, all the family gets the chairs, don't they?

ricky: Selfish

karl: So I was sort of stood at the back and that, watching, and I couldn't hear what was going on because a woman was breastfeeding a baby.

ricky: Ohhhh

steve: But, how loud was this baby guzzling away that you couldn’t hear what was going on?

karl: It was, it was slurping and that, and she was like- I just thought how hungry... is it?

steve: Couldn't it have waited, because you all got to wait for the buffet -whatever -later

ricky: I know!

karl: But also just in this-

ricky: Well there was two, wasn't there? Why didn’t you have a ..?

steve: The only thing that annoys me with weddings is the gift, is the gift thing.Cause like you buy these gifts, right? You’ve spent a little bit of money. Maybe, you know, I like to be little lavish, if I'm going to a wedding.

steve: Well, come on, you get a gift, you’re packing cheddar...

ricky: Oh, you’re having a laugh

steve: I don't know about you, Rick, but you- I like to see the response, when I give a gift to someone, I want-I want to see the feedback from that, this is very much.

ricky: Yeah, I want to see what it is, that's Jane bought them. And put my name to it.

steve: Yeah, exactly, yeah yeah...

ricky: Because sometimes - “Oh thanks for the-“, I go, “No worries, No worries”

steve: But certainly, we’ve talked about it before, but certainly, the amount money spent and the amount of time given to the gift should be correlated by the amount of the response you get.

ricky: Absolutely

steve: If I give a book token, a shrug is fine. But if I give you know, anything sizable, I want to-kind of-I want them to be showing it to friends. If it's a bar i want them showing it to the Barman. Other people, strangers

ricky: You want them to go, “Look what Steve Merchant got me, He's the greatest man in the world.”

steve: Yeah. Exactly. You go to a wedding, you turn up with a gift you could have spent upwards of 15 pounds on it. You turn up, you walk in, you say, “excuse me, Where's the bride and groom? I want to give them this gift” and some bloke, normally the brother-in-law says, “oh, no no no”

ricky: Or the brother in laws mate-

steve: Yes. Sorry. They're too busy to see you right now. Just stick the gift on this big table, with all the other ones-

ricky: Yeah-

steve: And they'll get back to you -

ricky: In a week-

steve: In maybe six to eight weeks, after the honeymoon. They maybe write you a note, they won't thank you personally, they write you a note.

ricky: It’ll be a general, “Thank you” and your name in different type.

steve: Yeah, but it might have some vague reference to, you know, to what you did, but it wont really be personalized.

ricky: Yeah, the set of mugs again, will be in different type. “Thank you, STEVE MERCHANT, for your wonderful gift. We love MUGS, Yours-

steve: Yeah, exactly. And a photocopied signature.

ricky: Exactly, Yeah, it's not right is it? Oh, dear-

steve: Of course as well, if there's uhh, if there's a baby involved, you know, perhaps they, you know, they had a kid out of wedlock.

ricky: What do ya mean?

steve: That's why they're getting married. There's normally a little baby signature as well.

ricky: Ohhh

steve: Like, oh I hate that, like the baby signed it.

ricky: Ughhh

steve: From Paul and Sharon, and little Billy.

ricky: Be Ben, be Ben these days.

steve: Definitely Ben.

ricky: I reckon. What do you think Karl? How was the wedding by the way?

steve: Did you buy a gift?

karl: Umm, Suzanne sorted something out.

ricky: What?

karl: Umm, I dunno. Oh actually, no, we're going away. We're having a week away with them.

ricky: That's .. that's your gift?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What are ya..

karl: No, we're going away to Cornwall, or summat, and uhh, yeah, that's it, we've sort of paid for a place to stay and they're coming along and that.

ricky: And their gift is to spend a week with you in a confined space

karl: They'll love it. They'll have a great time and that.

ricky: Will they?

karl: Yeah, it's fine yeah.

steve: Can I, sorry, can I get a pen? I'm making a note of how many times you say "and that" during today's show and so far there's three. I've noticed three. I'm just going make a note here because I think we can have a competition here. If you can predict how many times he's going to say "and that", the closest one wins some some of the crap DVDs that we've got on offer.

ricky: Hold on, tell me we've got Ladder 49?

karl: Definitely!

ricky: Landed, Ben Folds, on Xfm 104.9.

steve: We've had an email, Rick, from Simon Whittaker. He says.. he's throwing the question to Karl. 'Have you seen the video for that Ben Folds song where there's apparently a monkey working the sound desk and shifting the piano?'

karl: Haven't seen it.

steve: Yeah you wanna check that out. Talking of monkeys working the sound desk..

steve: We've also had a lot of emails directed at you..

ricky: Smooth.

steve: Yeah, a lot of emails directed at you Karl, asking if you saw this programme that was on in the week, the, now I think I didn't see it.

ricky: I know, I know what it is.

steve: The Strangest..

ricky: The Strangest Village in Britain.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Did he watch it? He called me six times during it!

steve: Course he did.

ricky: Called me six times, every time..

steve: Now just explain briefly what this was, cause I didn't see it.

ricky: Well, it was uhh, sort of an experiment for I think, from what I can work out, from the sort of 70s and it's, it was sort of run by, from what can make out, mainly sort of German Christians.

steve: Right.

ricky: And what it was, it was people with various disabilities or mental illnesses. Downs syndrome, autism, bewildered, you know, and they were living normally in the community, and there was 300 people in the village, half had some sort of problem - mental problem or disability and the other half were sort of carers and uhh, I mean, you know, it was, it was very very strange.

steve: And where is this village?

ricky: Uhh

steve: It's somewhere in this country?

ricky: It's up near Whitby in it?

karl: Yorkshire.

steve: Right, okay.

ricky: But he called me, he called me at various points and "Are you watching that?" and it started off. He went "Jeez if that's the beginning, what have they got coming up?" Then there was two fellas and it, it.. the phone rang and it went "What is going on?!" and it was two blokes who had created their own language..

steve: Okay.

ricky: And they are going "hotapa doodle dooo... hotapa deedlie doopa doo!", and.. what.. it -

ricky: You know, it was an interesting program anyway. I love documentaries like that. But what made it twice as good was that I knew that karl was getting confused.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There was one block that went around interviewing people and he just had a string of questions and he'd go "have you had ever had curly hair?", "What's your favorite animal?", "I've ever seen a badger?" and karl was getting stressed!

karl: It was stressing me out.

steve: Why?

ricky: 'cos he was trying to think of the answers quickly enough.

karl: Yeah, he was sort of saying, you know, "do you like mosaics?" and that. And I was like "Oh do I?" and the next question was coming in...

karl: It was like Mallet's Mallet. That sort of... that word association thing.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Ah it's stressing me out.

ricky: But he said he wanted to go there. He actually said "could I go for a holiday there?" - And I went "well I doubt that. I don't know. Maybe you could go on a visit.". Oh, that that would be great wouldn't it? Just for karl to walk in there?

steve: But the thing about it would be like, karl would be the ruler. He'd be the king, it would be that "in the Kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is King". I mean he would just...

ricky: I don't know there's - some of them were quite clever.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah, I don't think he'd... I think he'd probably be average. I don't think he'd...

steve: (laughing) Oh okay! (inaudible)

ricky: I don't think he's shine! Because a lot of them are quite good at some things, weren't they? He didn't like the umm, the angry bloke. Who punched, umm, there was a this really sort of sweet Down Syndrome woman called Nan, and she hadn't hung her coat up and this angry bloke was going "if you don't hang your coat up I will!" and he punched her, didn't he!

karl: Yeah, he did.

ricky: And poor nan got it in the neck from everyone. There was another woman bullying her, wasn't there...

ricky: Yeah, but you like the little umm, the little Down Syndrome fellow with the wooly hat who was helping that woman?

karl: If I went there, he's the one who I'd sort of hunt down. Say come on - let's go for a pint.

steve: Sure.

karl: But uhhh...

steve: Incidentally, do you like mosaics? We didn't establish that.

karl: Errrr...

steve: He's still thinking about it!

ricky: What was his name, that one with the wooly hat that you liked and you wanted to hang around with? what was his name? And I can't remember.

karl: I can't remember...

ricky: He was good I liked him, he was nice wasn't he?

karl: Yeah

ricky: He was the one that fell over, and then umm, proposed marriage that woman didn't he?

karl: Yeah. I remember, umm, right I was on a... I don't know if this is alright to talk about it. I mean, it happend so, you know, not worrying about it.

ricky: Of course it's okay to talk about. Everything's alright to talk about.

karl: But I was on the train right, coming from Manchester back to London right, yeah, and I got on it. It's like a Friday night, and it was heaving, you know, how the last train is and all that.

karl: Absolutely chocker.

steve: Yeah

karl: So I'm walking through the carriages. Thinking "oh is there any seats anywhere..?". Anyway, everyone's like - it's heaving right - people stood up in the doorways. You can't get in the toilet and all that. There's not going to be any chairs knocking about. Walking though. So anyway, I see this one empty chair, sort of, in front of me right, and I think "why isn't anyone sat there?". Right, I'll just rush to that, get to that, get myself a seat. Plonk myself down, right, and sort of turned round, you know. See who I'm facing.

karl: You know, see who I'm sort of having a chat with - little fella there. Right. Little err... Down Syndrome kid.

steve: Right...

karl: Sat there and he goes "alright?!" and I thought "urghhh". Right, not bad, but do you know what I- they're always talking aren't they. They ask a lot of questions. Right? So I was like "ugghh, here we go" two and a half hours, and I can't get up because the thing is - that's obvious.

steve: Sure.

karl: Right, so that's that's like mean, I don't - I never want to be mean - you know what I mean? at the end of the day so...

karl: So anyway, so I think I know, I'll go to sleep.

steve: Clever.

karl: All right, so shut my eyes and he leaves me alone and that. So uh, so then me phone goes and I think right what do I do? Do I ignore it or do I open my eyes and see who it is. Anyway I open me eyes and it's Ricky calling about something, about nothing probably actually thinking about, it wasn't even worth answering, right. So anyway, I'm awake now, aren't I, so he's like "hello" and I'm like "alright mate" and he says "you're muscly"

ricky: Oh God!

karl: And uhh I said "yeah yeah yeah", and he goes uhh you know "Why?" so I said "dunno, just am" and it's again stressing me out, cause why am I muscly? I don't go to the gym. I mean I'm not muscly, I'm in good shape and that.

steve: Well..

karl: So then uhh, he wants an arm wrestle, on a crammed train from Manchester so I've got another hour and a half of this.

ricky: Why didn't you talk back he'd soon have got up and left. If you'd just started asking him questions he'd have got up and left with the drivel you come out with.

karl: So anyway, you know when you're under pressure you thinking well, he's said that I'm muscly, alright, so do I do it or not? And there's people watching, you know, not joining in, not sort of having a laughing that with me just just like watching but pretending they're not.

ricky: Oh God!

karl: And I'm at one of those table seats so.. and he kept saying "Come on I want to arm wrestle".. so, and he was getting louder and I thought ohhh, best just have an arm wrestle.

ricky: What do you mean, what do you mean, I best just have an arm wrestle? What do you mean?

karl: Get it over and done with. I had to ...If he's gonna keep asking. I had another hour and a half on the train.

ricky: Oh god

karl: So anyway..

ricky: Oh my God, I'm thinking who won?

steve: Yeah, I'm thinking were people putting bets on, how it's working?

karl: It was stopped and just as well really

ricky: What do you mean it was stopped?

steve: It was stopped? How violent was it getting?

karl: No, no, he was, he was winning. I was struggling a bit, right, and he was really like, you know taking the arm down then he sort of let go and started laughing I thought thank god he let go because I would have made me.. you know what I mean? If I lost that. Everyone's in the train looking and all the rest of it.

ricky: I love that fact it's suddenly serious to him that he's got to win this. Pilkington! Pilkington!

karl: But then he just uhh, then we were chatting about favorite food and that. He liked sausages and I said, you know, he said "Do you like sausages" I said "yeah, they're alright", I like a bit of Chinese and that as well and he was saying "Oh I can't have Chinese, not allowed Chinese. "

ricky: Why ?

karl: Err, Dunno, he just said he's not allowed to have it.

karl: But yeah, had a good long chat about stuff, and that.

steve: So you enjoyed it, in the end?

karl: In the end, it was all right, yeah. It's just..

ricky: What did you ex.. hmm, okay..

karl: No, but it's that thing innit? It's whenever you're faced with something different.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's always awkward isn't it. And that's the thing

ricky: You talking about him now, or you?

karl: And I think I did alright, because everyone else was ignoring him but I probably made his day pretty good.

ricky: Yeah. Well you're a nice bloke.

steve: I like the idea that that newlywed couple are probably thinking that's going to be a

steve: -journey down to Cornwall.

ricky: The Magic Numbers, Forever Lost. Ah... I was taken unawares cause I was, I opened that umm, that thing, what is it?

steve: The Confectionery?

ricky: Well, we're sort of doing it ironically, like people getting shameless plugs by giving us stuff, but then I opened it and it's brilliant.

steve: It is brilliant.

ricky: It's all retro stuff. It's got a curly wurly, a fountain... sherbert fountain. I've just been eating a drumstick that I didn't quite finish in time.

steve: It's got some those little cola bottles. That's Hope and Greenwood and their confectionery which are available now, the perfect summer gift if you've got to go to a wedding or a barbecue party.

ricky: We've got some rubbish to give away now, haven't we?

steve: We have indeed. Yeah, if only we hadn't opened that we could have thrown that in the mix.

ricky: Oh no, it's too good to give away.

steve: It's time for Rockbusters, the quiz that no one looks forward to and we've got as usual the bunch of CDs.. DVDs I should say which umm...

ricky: Just tell me we have got another copy of Ladder 49.

steve: Ladder 49 is right here!

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: That's in the mix, Yeah.

ricky: How many did they send you?

steve: Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta, Ladder 49. The movie that no one's seen.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Don't remember anyone who's seen it.

ricky: But is owned by every single XFM listener!

steve: Exactly. Also in the mix, as I said before, we've got Priscilla Queen of the Desert, which.. if you haven't seen that on telly, I'd be very surprised. French and Saunders at the movie - the best of all the French and Saunders movie spoofs, which is I think on TV every single night.

ricky: Yeah. It's a very gay giveaway so far, isn't it?

steve: It's a very gay giveaway, well this will..

ricky: Got Ladder 49 - the people in uniform, you've got Queen of the Desert and French and Saunders - the gays love them.

steve: You know much a fan I am of a Chevy Chase. You know I love Chevy Chase.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well, we've also got here National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2, which doesn't feature Chevy Chase.

steve: It was so bad even Chevy wouldn't agree to be in it, so instead Randy Quaid who plays Cousin Eddie - it's him.

ricky: Right.

steve: And on the background notice, it says 'Special appearance by Eric Idle'.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: I mean, let's be honest, if a film's got a special appearance by Eric Idle...

ricky: I know.

steve: It's probably not a classic.

ricky: Do you reckon he'd do 'Always walk on the bright side of life?'

steve: Let's hope so! Anyway, that's just some of the DVDs which you can win and obviously the real reason you should enter is because you go forward to this big prize draw, which is in our last show where you can win some actual quality.

ricky: Yeah. A signed Matt Groening drawing, and you can see him drawing that on RickyGervais.com too. It is totally genuine. It's there, him actually drawing it in front of your very eyes. Also, um, us made as Flanimals and a signed poster of, by Nigel Tufnell. Christopher Guest.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So proper, good prizes.

steve: Yep.

ricky: So it's the, this is... I think it should be the last one to get into it. Maybe next week, the four that we've got get down to two maybe, and then we get them on the line, the last uhh, what do you think?

steve: Well I'll be honest, I wish we'd thought it through, Rick..

steve: I don't know about you but I wish we'd thought this whole thing through.

ricky: Chris Campling, if he's got any ideas as to how this show could have run, see, we should have, we should have scripted this.

karl: But we said, we just said they'd go in a draw, didn't we?

ricky: Did we?

steve: I'm worried that...

ricky: But we hadn't thought it through, though.

karl: We can't keep swapping and changing.

ricky: Well we haven't done it yet.

steve: We haven't done the draw.

ricky: We can do what we want, yeah.

ricky: You know how many BAFTAs we've won? We can do exactly what we want.

steve: High five!

ricky: Six!

karl: Let's get down to business then.

steve: Right so Rockbusters and let's explain briefly what this is for those who have only just started listening to the show um..

ricky: It's basically, um, BlockBusters.

steve: Well you say that Rick but it's not, is it? I mean that, Blockbusters, that made sense!

ricky: Yeah. Well, Karl thinks this is a cryptic clue, going "Right, a fella is walking along and it, oh look there's the fish. What does that mean? De-trout-sinners

karl: So I mean, some of them are hard because they've dug 'em all out

ricky: No they're hard because they don't make sense.

karl: No, but they've dug em all out because they're gonnna put 'em all on the website for people for play along with and they came to me for the answers and some of them are pretty tricky. I couldn't answer them.

ricky: So I love that. The only man that can out with himself, right?

karl: So the first one then, here we go.

karl: Why don't you borrow some land, off Mr Boardman or Mr Laurel or Mr Fletcher.

karl: Alright? Why don't you borrow a little bit of land

ricky: Oh it's changed already already

steve: Already changed.

ricky: Already changed.

karl: Mr. Boardman..

ricky: Well, no no, do it again and do it exactly the same each time, do it again.

karl: W-why

karl: ..Why don't you borrow some land, off Mr Boardman or Mr. Laurel or Mr Fletcher, if you, if you need a bit of it?

ricky: What's changing!

steve: What are the initials?

karl: LS.

steve: LS.

karl: LS. That's a band or an artist. Who am I talking about? Hmm? Uh, Second one!

karl: I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna err

ricky: Oh Jesus. He's got sweet in his mouth!

karl: I'm gonna annoy those, uh, sea birds over there. Alright? Right.

steve: Ha, I'm gonna annoy those sea birds over there.

karl: Well just those seabirds, dun't matter where they are. Annoy them seabirds.

ricky: Dunno what he's talking about anymore! Steve! Honestly

karl: B, B is the initial.

ricky: I love the fact he was fascinated by "The strangest village in Britain", but the stories he's told us about where he comes from. There's him going around with two fellas with big heads,

ricky: Webbed feet, a little pigeon chested bloke, him on his Grifter with Maggie pecking at him, his Dad in the telephone box nicking groceries and a horse in the house next door. I mean how strange was his upbringing? And him hanging from his satchel! Unbelievable.

karl: There's another woman who I remembered. Actually, I'll tell you later.

steve: Go on what, what!

ricky: Go on tell us

karl: Nah I'll tell you later about another woman who I remembered.

ricky: Come on give us a teaser.

karl: It's just a woman who rode around on three wheeled bike with her husband in a basket.

karl: I'll tell you about it in a minute. Right and

steve: You don't get teasers like that on any other radio station!

ricky: No, That's a hell of a funeral.

karl: Right

karl: The final clue, uhh

karl: What the scouse fella said to the robber who he found in his house next to his vinyard

ricky: Oh Jesus christ, what!

steve: And again?

karl: Right? So what the scouse fella said..

ricky: Right, this is gonna be a pronunciation thing

karl: To the robber he found in his house, which was next to his

ricky: Oh god, I've lost the will to live. I have, I want to get in that woman's basket on three wheels and just be be driven round the rest of my life

karl: And the initials there AW. AW. Who is it? Alright? Hmm, Email in n'that

steve: Shall we have what's on the text 83

steve: ..83XFM, You can win National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2, and Ladder 49!

karl: Bit of Bowie?

ricky: Yeah, Watch That Man.

ricky: David Bowie, Watch That Man, on Xfm 104.9. Now, coming up Steve, and listeners .. you know, I'm talking to them mainly. I'm not really, I'm talking to you and Karl, really.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, coming up, an old feature - Knob News.

steve: Ahh, Knob News. The welcome return of Knob News.

ricky: Yes, and uhh, Monkey News is still there, isn't it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Just briefly, I don't think you really gave that competition justice, did you, not handing out the email...

karl: No let's just quickly whiz through the questions again.

steve: John's texted in by the way, he says "I never get any of the Rockbusters Clues. Is this a good or bad thing?" Definitely a good thing.

ricky: Definitely a good thing. Yeah.

karl: Well other people do. First one: Why don't you borrow a bit of land off Mr. Boardman or Mr. Laurel, or even Mr. Fletcher.

steve: Alright.

karl: LS. Second one: I'm gonna annoy those sea birds, right? B. And the last one: What the Scouse fella said to the robber he found in his house next to his Vineyard. AW. If you know what they are, email in or text in and that.

ricky: Tell us about the woman.. what's the text, quickly.

karl: Well.. 83936 on the text. ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk on the email and that.

ricky: Alright, "and that" - write that one down.

steve: Just make a note of that.

ricky: And that. Right, tell us about this woman.

karl: Well, it was just because you were saying about the, you know, how I lived in a...

ricky: We are broadcasting now, aren't we? This is actually going out. This is live, this isn't us sort of like..

karl: Yeah, but you were just talking about how I lived in an odd village.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With kids with big heads and all that, right? And what I wanted to do..

ricky: What is that again? There's two kids with big heads?

karl: Yeah, they just had sort of big heads and webbed hands and that. They went to me school, and uhh, when I spoke to my dad the other day cause I'm going to go and see me mam and dad tomorrow.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: So I said, "Oh, have we got any school, sort of school photographs with the big-headed kids in?", and he said "No, nobody bought those sort of school photos because they were in it, so it was always a bit ruined", but I said well..

ricky: (laughing) No!

karl: No, he said sales were, you know, cause he obviously talked to other dads and stuff like that, and he just said "Oh no one bought them". But anyway..

ricky: I would love them!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's why I'd buy them!

karl: Yeah, but I wouldn't stand out, would I?

steve: And that's saying something.

karl: If you had it on the mantlepiece.

ricky: Yeah. Well.. well.

karl: So, but anyway, so I was talking about..

ricky: When you say they had big heads, what do you mean? Did they look like something from Doctor Who?

karl: They were just quite, quite big.

ricky: But they weren't related?

karl: No.

ricky: So why did two blokes with big heads and webbed feet..

karl: I lived in a weird area. There was a chemical plant close by.

steve: I can't believe you've never told us that before! That explains a lot. Not just the freaks in your neighborhood, but-

karl: There was loads of weird stuff going on. There was this, like I said, there was this woman who uhh, used to like live in one of the council flats, right? And she had a three-wheeled sort of big... what do you call..

ricky: Son. Three-wheeled son. He was the weirdest bloke we ever knew.

karl: What do you call... like a big...

ricky: Tricycle.

karl: Tricyle, but for an adult rather than one for a kid.

ricky: Yeah

karl: It was a big one.

steve: It wasn't a motorbike though, It was a pedal bike.

karl: No no, it was a pushbike thing.

ricky: Yeah

karl: And she used to uhh, sort of ride down the road with a fella sat in the basket on the back, with it's like legs dangling over, and they'd be going to, like, the pub and what have you.

steve: Was it a different fella each time or the same one?

karl: No, same sort of bald-headed fella

ricky: You sure it wasn't collection for like organs and things? Bring out your ill! And then, people just throw, Granddad just in the back, they go... Four quid for Grandad.

karl: But, but, but, she's got quite..

ricky: He's got a lovely pair of testicles on him. They're very low but they ...

steve: Bring out your dead or nearly dead!

karl: She used to pick on her husband quite a lot. They'd be in the pub, and what have you, and they'd be sat by themselves.

karl: She'd always be sort of, you know having a go at him, moaning at him, sort of pushing him about and that, so me dad and his mate, right, they went round to their house, knocked on the door. She answered, and he said, he said he was a copper right? He said, you know "Detective Pilkington, can I come in and have a word?"

steve: Sorry, I'm just going to make a note of ... impersonating a police officer.

karl: Yeah but for the good. He went in and sort of said..

ricky: A super hero!

karl: "I've heard you're picking on your husband alot..."

ricky: Yeah

karl: "We'll be keeping an eye on you. Do it again, and uhh, there'll be trouble". And she backed off after that, she was alright.

ricky: That's good. And how was the husband? Was he still in the basket though? Was he allowed to ever sort of like ride up front with her, or was he sort of in the ba-

karl: Nah, he just, she just sorta stopped picking on him in public places and stuff.

ricky: That's good.

steve: Just did it behind closed doors.

karl: You can't.. you can't get done, can you? Just for doing that?

ricky: Ummm

steve: I think impersonating a police officer is a criminal offence.

ricky: Well you probably did... there was no gain. I think you can't impersonate a police officer full stop.

ricky: But I think they'd probably be lenient on him, that he was, you know... but let's face it, you know, he's not going to be caught because why would anyone know about it? It's not like his son's going to say it on a on a radio station, is it, and stitch him right up.

steve: Is this something he did generally? kind of a little bit of light vigilante work.

karl: Just whatever. Just him and his mate, if you saw someone going on they'd go "What can we do.. what little scam can we do?"

ricky: That's fantastic! That is brilliant. Right, Okay.

karl: What we doing?

ricky: Coming up, Knob News.

steve: And monkey news.

ricky: And monkey news, and the answers to Rockbusters. What a show.

steve: Signs on XFM, by Snoop Doggy Dogg and Justin Timberlake and a bunch of other people.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Uh, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Sorry, I was just enjoying that Hope and Greenwood confectionery.

ricky: Lovely.

steve: But I wish I had something to wash that down with, Rick.

ricky: Why don't you have a glass of lovely Banrock-

ricky: - Station red wine.

steve: Ah lovely.

ricky: It's barbecue friendly.

steve: Yeah, perfect.

ricky: Umm, good, so just keep sending stuff in.

steve: Free stuff please.

ricky: Good stuff. Umm Karl, what we talking? What we doing? I've got something to tell you actually. You know we tease Steve about umm, not ever spending any money?

steve: Careful, I'm careful with money, I'm not...

ricky: Yeah. Guess what? He's treating it like.. he's nurturing this right, he keeps running off in the edit. He's having a suit made.

ricky: And he wants it to be just right because I reckon he's forking out quite a lot. He's having a suit made. Think of that. Him.

steve: Let me tell you this though. I don't want you thinking I'm getting all flash with my cash. It's very hard to buy off the peg when you're six foot seven. So, you know it was a necessity, Karl, I don't want you thinking that this is the beginning of some new phase.

karl: Well is everything you buy sort of made to measure or?

steve: No, I'm afraid, if only. If only I could afford it mate, but no I'm off the peg generally.

karl: So what, like properly done and everything?

steve: Oh, yeah. It's the full list of full. Yeah. It's the full thing.

steve: The full works. Gotta keep going back for fittings. They've got that little bit of chalk, you know, the pin.

ricky: That's where I had mine made, you know how good I look all the time.

karl: Did you have to have that thing done where they say erm.. "What side do you do wear your member"?

ricky: What side do you dress. They don't say "what side do you wear your member". That would hardly be a euphemism, would it? So they say "what side do you dress, sir?" It means what side do you little... poke your little, your little John Thomas leans, doesn't it on a... rests usually to the left, isn't it? Your little left testicles...

karl: If I said to you now, what side do you wear it on, do you know?

ricky: It would be left. It would be the left. That's what they mean. Standing there, right, with nothing restricting it or holding it in or holding it up, right? It sort of leans, one ball is sort of like slightly back and lower, innit? And your little John Thomas rests there. So it's left and the reason they ask it is so they don't put the tape measure up on the left and squash your willy or touch your willy.

karl: So it's nothing to do with like, well you'll need a bit more room, sort of more material on that side or?

ricky: Well, no, I don't think they compensate. It's just that when they put the.. when they stick that up into your groin, they don't want to come in contact with your little..

karl: The thing is, I, I don't know what side I wear stuff on. I just sort of pull my pants up and wherever it wants to go that day.

steve: But maybe it's not big enough to sort of make any, you know, real decision.

karl: But like now, I'm sat here, right, with my jeans on. I don't know where I am.

steve: Well that's clear from the moment you talk.

karl: What I mean is, if a fella said to me "What side are you uhh.. you know, what side's your member on?" I'd go..

ricky: Member! What is this use of the word member suddenly?

karl: I, I'd go..

ricky: Well, it's not, it's usually not appropriate, and also, I imagine in the old days they had big baggy pants and used to sort of like hang and now, you know, like with those stretchy boxers and briefs, it's sort of held up in a nice little neat little parcel, isn't it? So it's probably not appropriate. It doesn't come in contact with your little snake. So, you know, did you ever, have you ever heard of that.. have you...

ricky: Are you telling me a tailor has asked you that and you went "What do you mean mate?"

karl: No, no, I've never, I've not really had one made to measure. I had one made when I was a kid, but since then I've sort of bought a suit off the hook. But I.. you know, when you were saying about buying a suit, I know that question sort of crops up and I don't know what the answer is. It just annoys me the way every... I don't know, there's no surprises anymore. Do you know what I mean? People know..

ricky: What do you mean? He's is going to go "Right I'm going to measure you now, which side should I measure?" Well potluck. Go on, have a look. Right there you go, you've got it.

steve: What do you mean, there's no surprises anymore? What are you talking about?

karl: I just mean..

ricky: Everything you say is a surprise. Everything you say. Every opinion you have..

karl: No, but what-

ricky: ..is a surprise to me.

karl: What I mean is, why aren't people just happy just to go "well, depends doesn't it, just, I'll just pull the pants up, wherever it wants to go. I'm happy."

ricky: What do you mean? Why is this such a big issue?

steve: But Karl, when they ask you this question, they're not making a note of it somewhere. It's not statistical research to find out what the kind of common leaning is, it's just..

steve: It's a question so he doesn't touch it when he's using his tape measure.

karl: But just be careful.

steve: But he is being careful by asking the question.

karl: But what's, what's wrong with him touching it anyway? If he's I mean, it's only like slight..

steve: Ooh hello!

steve: Fair enough.

karl: But if he just sort of, you know, knocks it a little bit you can just go 'ooh'.

ricky: Do that again.

karl: To me, it's the same as the prostate thing. It's just happening all over again.

ricky: But that doctor doesn't go "Ooh what side's your arse on sir?" trying to avoid the arse.

ricky: He knows where your arse is and he's aiming for it, and he wants to get up there. He's aiming for it for a good cause. This little fella's going.. well, I've got to measure his leg. I don't want to touch the knob. I'll just ask him. "Sir, do you mind telling me where your cock is so I can avoid it?" It's a big difference.

karl: But like I'm saying to you, I'd have to have a look first, to let him know. I don't know where it is now. I don't know could be left, could be the right.

ricky: Are you tell me you can't.. you don't know where your knob is now?

karl: Without looking.

ricky: How would you mean, without looking? How could..

karl: Well, you're saying it as if like..

ricky: Should we have a guess?

steve: Well, have a look, have a look, and tell us where it is.

ricky: What are you wearing? What sort of pants are you wearing?

karl: I've got me jeans on.

ricky: But you've got pants on underneath them?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What are they - briefs or boxer shorts?

karl: Boxer shorts.

ricky: Boxer shorts. Well it's probably free, but the jeans are probably restricting it. I probably.. I think it's probably either in the middle resting, resting, or just slightly to the left. Have a look and we'll come back, we'll tell the listeners after the break. Where's Karl's knob? It's a good competition.

steve: Brilliant. We've got to send this to the Sony Awards people.

ricky: Run, Snow Patrol, on XFM. Well, the big question - where was Karl's knob?

steve: That's what people have been hanging on for.

ricky: Yeah, where was it?

karl: Well, I can't believe people have been texting in.

ricky: Aye? What guessing where it is?

karl: There's people saying "is it in the middle?", "is in the left?". Cost them 10p. Cost them 10p to find out. Just wait, I'm gonna give out the answer. You don't win anything, alright?

karl: Like Strike It Lucky. Right?

ricky: (laughing) Top, bottom or middle. Right.

karl: It's uhh, it was to the left.

steve: Oh!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I went with the right. That's annoying.

ricky: See I thought it would be up to the left. If not, maybe if it was all scrunched up, sitting out on your lap might just pop up to the middle. Just pop out, like, you know..

steve: Next week, we'll be finding out where yours is Rick.

ricky: Where's uhh, where's Ricky's bollocks.

karl: Right then, which leads us nicely into..

ricky: Knob News.

steve: Ah, it's the welcome return of Knob News.

ricky: Right? Oh good, this is very much like News At Ten, this, isn't it?

steve: Mmm.

ricky: I do a bong, or in this case, a schlong, and he gives me the headlines. The big, the Knob News of the day. The big uhh, where have you collect all this Knob News? Was there was a lot of Knob News this week?

karl: It was mental this week.

karl: So they way it works, you give us the bong.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I'll give you the headline.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Steve decides which story he's going to talk about.

ricky: And now on XFM, Knob News. Schlong!

karl: Man grows knob on his arm.

ricky: Schlong!

karl: Man gets doctors to make him a second knob.

ricky: Schlong!

karl: Turkish prisoners made hole in cell wall to produce third inmate.

ricky: Schlong!

karl: Doctors accidentally remove man's testicles.

ricky: So, can I straight away go for the accidental removal of the testicles.

karl: Well, it's happened before hasn't it? We've talked about that before.

ricky: How... what, did he go in for a tonsillitis.. umm, what are they called? Tonsillectomy? And he was, he went in the wrong way. What are you talking about? How can they accidentally remove his testicles?

karl: It says ... uhhh ... they didn't look at his folder, and the doctor said to the fella "Ohh, we've removed your testicles and we wanted to take out your prostate gland." So, that's, that's what happened. There's, there's a story. This is what I mean. That's why I don't like going to the doctors.

karl: It happens, doesn't it, because the all these sort of.. it's when they say things like "Oh, it's just we do loads of these operations." That's when they're not concentrating.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Do you know what I mean? When they say it's procedure, that's like having a boring job that you do every day when you're not going to be concentrating. I prefer them to go "this is a tricky one, this".

ricky: I know what you mean. I sort of do know what you mean.

karl: Cause you watch TV programs about like, you know, removing someone's second head or whatever, and it's like the best surgeons from all over the world.

ricky: It's televised. They can't make a mistake.

karl: It's televised and it-

ricky: They can't go "we took his legs off by mistake".

karl: Where as, the fella who's having a prostate, it's like "Oh do you want to do it? I'm sick of doing them."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And they're probably doing a crossword whilst they're at it, right?

ricky: Course they are. I've seen that actually in the operating theaters. They're doing a crossword.

karl: That's what I mean.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I was just examining some of the other Knob News, Rick, a little bit more closely.

ricky: Hmmm.

steve: Man gets doctors to make him a second penis. I'm sure we're all interested in what happened there. A German who persuaded doctors to give him a second penis has lost his wife after he showed her the result. Biker Michael Gruber lost his original penis in a motorbike accident, and doctors built him a second one using a mixture of skin, bone and other tissues.

ricky: Bone?

steve: Apparently. The penis works so well that he was even able to father a child with his wife Bianca, but Gruber was still not happy and asked doctors to repeat the operation and build him a better organ, to which they agreed. From his hospital bed, he said -

steve: I've got two penises, but no wife. I'm hoping when I get rid of one of the penises, I'll get her back.

ricky: What do you mean. They.. what.. sorry, he had, so he had two put on?

karl: What side does he wear his?

ricky: So he's had both. So he's had three, then?

steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

ricky: This is probably the thing that happened with Hitler. When he had one ball, but he had three at one point, didn't he? So he just kept one in the Albert Hall, gave his mum one, and kept the other one.

steve: Man grows penis on his arm.

karl: I've never understood that.

steve: I mean, why people are obviously losing their penises around the world, I've no idea.

karl: But why on the arm?

ricky: What do you mean why on the arm? It's just a graft isn't it.

karl: Yeah but put it on, like your buttock or your side, not.. you can't wear a short sleeved shirt.

karl: Why didn't .. they've done that before. I don't understand it. Why not just graft it on the side of your leg or something where it's high up, close to where it should be.

ricky: I don't know. To get it used to the environment. Like when you like release a.. release a duck into the wild you..

karl: Never, never understood that. If there's a doctor again, you know, we had a doctor last time. If there's someone who can let us know why they put it on the arm.

ricky: So they can keep your eye on it, presumably.

ricky: He's not going to work with this knob on his arm. He's probably in a hospital bed and under examination.

karl: Right?

ricky: So, what do you think, they pop knob on the arm and say "Come back in three weeks. What do you by the way?" "I'm a mechanic." "Keep the long sleeve shirt because the blokes will go "Why have you got a knob on your arm, mate?"" What are you talking about? He doesn't go back to normal. He's a teacher. "Sir!" "What.. what is it? What is it, Simkins?" "You've got a knob on your arm." "No no, don't worry about that. Do your maths." What do you think, this bloke's walking around with a big knob coming out of his arm.

karl: Why on the arm?

ricky: So they can keep an eye on it. So it's not...

karl: But if he's in bed, just get him to not put any undies on, or whatever, and just have a little sly look at how it's going. Even in a hospital, if you're in a shared, like, little hospital room, people going "Oh, I've had heart problems. What's your problem?" He's there with his arm out.

ricky: (laughing) He's got his knob out! Yeah but I don't think it counts as indecent exposure when they're grafting a knob on your arm. Sticking that above the bed.

steve: Imagine if he's driving. He's just got it out the window.

steve: People driving by. I love the fact at the end of..

ricky: Is that bloke giving me the finger?

steve: At the end of the 'Man Grows Penis On His Arm' story, It says a Moscow surgeon said the man will be able to have sex in a few months. He said "Women will never suspect". I love the.. what kind of a doctor talks like that?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I tell you, this cock now, seriously, the birds will never know. You'll be able to go berserk.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They'll never realise we grew it on his arm.

ricky: That is unbelievable. Will he have a little scar on his arm, do you think?

karl: Yeah, I just don't, I don't get it. Like I say, 83936 if there's a doctor out there.

steve: Or indeed if you've ever grown a..

ricky: Or a tailor, making your shirt. What side do you wear your cock on, sir? It's on my left arm.

karl: What's this? Bit of Stones?

ricky: Yeah, beautiful. Lay it on me.

ricky: Wild Horses, by The Rolling Stones, on XFM 104.9. Well, uh-

ricky: I think the listening public will have enjoyed knob news, then. I mean - there was there was a lot of knob-news this week.

steve: I was surprised. You know, I would have thought it would be hard sometimes to get knob-news together but-

ricky: I would have thought it would have been part of a bigger news program, but I mean, I don't think we dedicate a whole sort of you know, like John Cravens Newsround.

steve: Yeah

ricky: A whole five minutes to knob related news. There was other news was there, Karl, in the week, it wasn't all just knob related? You didn't just research-?

karl: Well, they're the ones that sort of stand out.

karl: There's Christ on a crisp...

ricky: Right? What's that? That's that's obviously a crisp that someone vaguely thinks looks a bit like Robert Powell.

karl: Yeah

ricky: What a load of twaddle. Yeah.

karl: There's a bloke who can blow up balloons using his ears.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Eh, look at him.

ricky: Yeah, it's all connected, isn't it? You know, you're just redirecting it. Arn't ya?

karl: Pointless though, innit?

ricky: It is pointless, like, you know, I'm sort of downplaying it like it's no big deal, but it is pretty impressive.

karl: It's not. When was the last time you blew a balloon?

ricky: I don't know.

karl: That's what I mean, it's not needed. It's not, that's not impressive. That's what I mean.

ricky: But you can say that about any form of sort of like - bizarre entertainment. I don't think you have to hang yourself from hooks, but a lot of people go and see Jim Rose Circus. I mean, I wouldn't, I don't see the -

karl: Would you go and see that?

ricky: What, a man blowing up balloons? - No. If it was a mate of mine, I'd go, do that thing you can do, you know to a group of new friends, then I'd get on with it. You know, it's - it - it to me. It's, It's below an average card trick, doing something like that.

steve: Apparently though, he does make balloon animals with his penis. So a-

ricky: Which is pretty good , innit it?,

steve: ..after he's blown them up with his ears.

ricky: It's always a snake...he goes "look a snake"...I go, "well done, put it away".

karl: Everything leads .. back to knob news-

karl: Right now, listen then, what about another feature we like doing-

ricky: What?

karl: Song with a Story.

ricky: Okay, he's been working on this, hasn't he?

steve: He has hasn't he?

ricky: He's like a producer isn't he? But with a pilking round head.

karl: Just, just, you know, saying that - you were saying I don't like music, but I'm saying I do, if I can hear what they're singing about, and there's a reason to sort listen to it.

ricky: So have you turned into a 50's dad? What is this?

karl: No, but you know, it's like, it's nice to have a song where you go, you know, I can't turn it off because I need to know how it ends, know what I mean, like, you know, a mini.. a little film.

ricky: .. a mini film, He can't see a film unless it's got a grotesque in it. He can watch The Elephant Man because he's getting a glimpse, but he's waiting to see the blokes face. That's all he's waiting for. Right? And so, three minutes is about as much as you can maintain.

karl: Well, last week, we did Babushka.

ricky: Yeah

karl: -You know that woman dressing up, sort of tricking her husband, and it sort of backfires and that, don't know how it ended properly, don't know if they split up or whatever, but this week, this week-

ricky: There's no follow-up. Kate Bush isn't now penning the sequel, right go on then, what's this week?

karl: Pinball Wizard

ricky: Right, okay. What's the story there?

karl: Umm, It's about this...

karl: Sort of deaf dumb and blind kid.

ricky: Right.

karl: Who's good at pinball. That's it.

ricky: So I don't believe he would be good at pinball.

karl: But even if he is, it's a lot to give up, innit? Just for that.

ricky: Well he didn't give it up.

karl: No, but it's not like, it's not like, well you can't even say to him "Oh, you know, lotta bad news and that but you're good at pinball." It's just a bit, bit rubbish. I mean, does he even know he's playing pinball, is what I'm saying?

karl: D'ya know what I mean? And it's not hard. It's just moving the thing, innit? Just hitting the buttons hard.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's not like, you know, if he was good at Pac-Man or summat, you'd go "bloody hell!" But..

ricky: Wouldn't scan, would it. Well I mean, what were they thinking of? What were The Who thinking of when they wrote this?

karl: Well, let's have a listen to it.

steve: But, you see now, being...

ricky: (singing) He's a Pac-Man wizard.

steve: It kind of works.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He umm, he's deaf dumb and blind though? That's pretty grim isn't it?

karl: It's rubbish, innit?

ricky: Well, don't say that. Oh that's alright, they can't hear you.

karl: No, but it is, it is like... It's just the worst, innit? I can't imagine what that would be like. It's pointless. Like being a tapeworm or something.

karl: What I'm saying is, what sort of a life is that? It's horrible.

steve: It is a bit like being one of those creatures deep in the ocean.

ricky: Well... Can I just answer your questions? It must be terrible.

karl: Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

ricky: Yeah job done.

karl: But would you want a song about it? And you know, it's... he's good at pinball?

ricky: But it's not a real person. I mean, you were getting on to the realms of people but he is not a bloke that existed and they sang a song about.

karl: Well listen to it, anyway.

ricky: It's not a true story. I don't need to listen to it.

karl: Well let's have a listen!

ricky: Ugh, okay.

ricky: Pinball Wizard, by The Who. Little song with a story there, about a little deaf dumb and blind kid. Thoughts Karl?

karl: I just uhh.. it's depressing like I say. I don't know why.. is he enjoying, is he enjoying playing the game?

steve: I don't know. Let's get Pete Townsend on the phone.

ricky: Karl, What are you talking about?

karl: I'm just trying..

ricky: Listen to the lyrics, right? Deaf dumb and blind kid. He can't hear no buzzers and bells. He can't see any flashing lights. He plays by sense of smell. Now, I'm pretty sure that isn't a scientific document Pete Townsend is reading out there...

ricky: ...when he wrote this song, he's making it up.

karl: But, but the thing is with all songs or stories, there's got to be a little bit of realism to it. D'ya know what I mean. Why bother putting money in it? Just let him hit the buttons if he's happy.

ricky: That's true!

steve: That's a fair point.

ricky: That is a fair point.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That is great. Yeah. Well, I think you've Daltrey and Entwistle and the whole crew look like fools.

steve: Yeah, they Won't Get Fooled Again.

ricky: Ah!

karl: I mean, of all the things, I mean it is horrible. We're not like having a go. This is what I always worry about when we play it, but at the end of the day that's what he's singing about, so we're not having a go.

ricky: No, and it's not a real person. It doesn't really exist. I say again, it's a fictional person playing pinball and always getting a replay. Okay, this fella saying he's good at pinball, he's played from Soho to Brighton, but there's this little deaf dumb and blind kid. He can't believe it. He cannot believe it.

karl: If you had to lose something Steve, right-

karl: Uhh..

ricky: It wouldn't be money.

steve: That's true enough.

karl: Your sight or your ears? What?

steve: That's too much. I can't decide, that it's too painful. Sight or your ears.

karl: Well, what about you?

ricky: Intuitively, it would be the hearing, 'cause I couldn't-

steve: No, I think it's gotta be sight for me.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, you're always together. So that's alright, innit?

steve: Well anyway, listen, is it almost time?

ricky: Well, I've got to ask Karl, sorry I've got to ask Karl-

steve: Oh, Im sorry, go on-

ricky: Karl what would you rather be deaf or blind?

ricky: When did this question ever really come up?

steve: I know

ricky: When is it, when a doctor says, Well, listen, um, you've ask someone "Well, we can operate. we can either lose your eyes on your ears. It's up to you." This is never a decision that has to be made by anyone, ever, in life. But go on, would you, would you rather be blind or deaf?

karl: It depends where you live.

ricky: I'm not even sure these are PC terms, blind and deaf, anymore. Would you rather loose your sense of sight or sense of hearing?

karl: Depends where you live.

ricky: What do you mean, "It depends where you live"?

karl: If - if, say if, uhh, say if you lived in, like, a barren sort of, you know, Africa, or whatever, right - nowt to see, all right.

steve: Sure

karl: -so you could lose your, lose your sight.

steve: Sure. But if you lived in the women's locker room-

karl: - well if you're lived in-

ricky: Quite noisy, that's ... stop banging that door

steve: Yeah, I'll have my sight, loose my hearing.

karl: Yeah, but if you live in like, New York, loads to see, but a little bit noisy.

steve: Sure, Perfect

ricky: That is a brilliant answer, unbelievable, once again, can we have monkey news?

karl: Ins't it too much?

ricky: This shows like one long monkey news, isn't it, when you tune in to hear Karl Pilkington?

karl: I don't know, I'll tell you what. Why don't we play a little short track?

ricky: What?

karl: What is it Steve?

steve: It's Green Day, Time of your life.

karl: Green Day, a little bit of Green Day, we'll cram in the monkey news, we'll play the ads, Justine's here, that'll be that. That's what we'll do.

steve: Green Day on XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We need the answers quickly, Karl, to Rockbusters.

ricky: We're running out of time. We got Rock Busters and Monkey News to come, in this fun packed show.

steve: Give us the clues. Give us the answers.

karl: Right? The first one was, "Why don't you borrow a little bit of land off Mr. Boardman? or, Mr. Laurel or Mr. Fletcher

ricky: Go on then.

karl: What am I getting at there? The initials were L.S.

steve: Stan

karl: Lease, Lease, Lisa Stansfield right? Cause you're borrowing it. That's leasing it. It's Stan, Stan Boardman, Stan Laurel, and it's a field and that, innit?. Second one. I'm gonna annoy those seabirds. That was B. What you're doing when you're annoying a bird - you're bugging it. What's a sea bird? A gull - buggle - Buggles, Right? Bug-Gulls. Uhh,,

ricky: I don't know where to start, mate-

steve: Buggles

ricky: I don't know where to start.

ricky: If we had more time-

karl: -Don't worry

ricky: I'd throw him outta the window, right?

karl: Yeahhh...

ricky: Right

karl: What what the Scouse fella said to the robber he found in his house next to his Vineyard? That was A.W.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: That was Hey, Me Wine House. Yeah, Amy Winehouse.

ricky: What?

karl: Amy Winehouse

ricky: What do you mean Winehouse?

karl: It's a vineyard, there's a cottage in the vineyard, so that's like a Winehouse.

ricky: Whats the clue again?

karl: Eh, Me Wine House

ricky: Yeah, but what do you mean?

karl: Amy

ricky: Yeah, but why is it a robber?

karl: Because the robbers getting in-

karl: And he's sort of saying "Aye"

ricky: But what's the robber got to do with it? Why isn't it just a normal bloke? I don't see.. why is he saying "Aye, Me Wine House?" Why is he saying that?

karl: Because he's saying to him "Aye, get out" kind of thing.

ricky: Well no no no, surely her name isn't 'Aye, Get Out Me Wine House'. No, her name isn't 'Aye, Get Out Me Wine House'

karl: Well, Gavin Thompson got 'em all right. He's in Edinburgh, so he's winning Ladder 49 and that. That's safe. That's on the way to..

ricky: And he's going into the prize draw to win those... right, just do, I mean this better be a good Monkey News, Karl, that's all I can day, because that was drivel. Aye Me Wine House?

steve: Play the jingle.

ricky: Ooh, chimpanzee that. Monkey News!

karl: Right. There's this monkey, right?

ricky: Yep.

karl: And it had been.. you know, you hear about monkeys being badly treated and stuff like that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So anyway, it goes into this, this home. It's 14 this monkey, it's called Matty. Goes into this home, where it's looked after.

ricky: What do you mean home?

karl: Just like a, just a little monkey home.

ricky: Okay. So a zoo.

karl: Yeah kind of yeah, but they haven't got any other monkeys there, right?

ricky: What have they got there?

karl: They've got just other animals and that..

karl: .. but not that many monkeys, but anyway, because he's there on his own, again, you know..

ricky: When you say monkey do you mean a chimpanzee, by the way, because you usually do?

karl: Yeah...

ricky: I can't believe that journalist thought this was scripted.

steve: Amazing.

karl: So anyway, yeah, so it gets, it gets sort of pally with the people working there and that, and uhh... it's smoking fags. It's having a drink at night and all this, right?

ricky: What do you mean, it's having a drink at night? How?

karl: It's all here, it's all here. Steve.. I mean we haven't really got time but..

ricky: Well no, don't say "It's all here" like it's proof.

ricky: You've got another stupid story that someone has put onto the internet. Someone sitting at home in their bedroom has put onto the internet.

steve: So it's having a fag, it's drinking a lovely glass of Banrock Station.

ricky: Yeah, the wine that's perfect for a barbecue.

karl: Anyway, it's loving life. It's forgetting about it's past and everything, right, when this this other monkey comes along.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: Trouble's brewing.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Alright, that comes in. Something's said...

karl: Right, forget it then.

ricky: No! No!

karl: Forget it, forget it.

steve: No nooo!