XFM Vault - S04E05 Transcript

ricky:Forever Lost - The Magic Numbers. And the magic number is 104.9. Xfm. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right. Two more shows. Till we're off air for don't know how long.

steve:Is that two more, including this one?

ricky:Yeah. No, no, no, this is one. And then there's another one.

steve:Right two more shows...

ricky:There's two more shows, well start in now, if I said this at the end, it might have been ambiguous. I said at the beginning, there's 2 hours. That's a whole show. So there's two more shows.

steve:So two more shows. Including this one.

ricky:Yes, obviously.

steve:So one more show after this one.

ricky:It's only five past one.

steve:One after this show. One more show.

ricky:Now there's only one more show. Good night. Now, it better be a good one Karl. Have we got uhh, Rockbusters?

karl:Yep.

ricky:Check. Have we got Monkey News?

karl:Check.

ricky:Is it a real monkey news or is it somewhat that's slightly made up.

karl:Always is...

ricky:What?!

karl:Always is once you check.

ricky:Okay, nob news?

karl:We got a bit of nob news.

steve:I'm worried that nob news, because it's only about penises, is a little bit sexist. Have we got any fanny facts? Could we Maybe - can we sort that out for next week? I don't want to alienate our female audience.

ricky:Welcome to Minge London. Good, I'm glad that's that, well, brilliant. We got a song with the story.

karl:Yep

ricky:What is it?

karl:I don't want to sort of tell you what it is yet, because the song isn't that great.

ricky:Oh good.

karl:It's not a song that's like an Xfm song, but every time I hear it on, say, like, magic or whatever -

ricky:Yeah...

karl:I have an argument...

ricky:105.4

karl:Yeah. I have an argument with Suzanne that, know you, what I think it's about. And she says, "don't be stupid, it's not about that". And I say no, it is.

ricky:And so we're going to decide who's right. Well, I don't know what song you're talking about and I don't know what the argument is, but Suzanne's right.

steve:Definitely.

ricky:No doubt about it.

karl:We'll have a listen. But I'm hoping that once people sort of listen to it again with my thoughts....

ricky:Well, this song sums up what people should think of you. It's Don't Believe a Word. All right? That's the sort of links I'm capable of.

steve:If that doesn't bag us a Sony then nothing will.

ricky:Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe a Word on Xfm 104.9. I'm going to miss this show. It's been good.

steve:You might be the only one.

ricky:No. Well, you know. So we'll come back again. We got a lot to do over the next few months, but maybe Christmas or just after. But I still call Karl every day anyway.

steve:Oh, sure.

ricky:I called him a couple of days ago.

steve:Course you did.

ricky:And I went uhh - it was the weekend - and I went, "what you doing?" and he went, "Uhh, just in Regents Park and that" I went "what you doing" he said "just going - Oh! Jesus!" I went "what?" he went "a caterpillar just fell out of the sky". I went "what!?" he went "A caterpillar just fell out of the sky. God, it's there. It's wriggling around" I went "sure a bird didn't just drop it?" he looked up and went "oh, yeah. There's a bird".

steve:For a moment he thought caterpillars were raining from the sky.

ricky:I thought I was in chicken lickin'.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Unbelievable. Why did you think a caterpillars are falling out of the sky?

steve:I don't know, it just startled me a bit.

ricky:I love Karl being startled!

steve:I love the idea, he's straight on the phone to Trevor McDonald "Look, Trevor, there's this caterpillars, insects falling out the sky! They're pulling out the sky now! Put it on the news, quick!" "You sure that wasn't a bird?" "Oh, there was a bird, sorry Trev!"

ricky:"Bye!"

steve:But it was after like a hung up the phone and that from you. I sort of sat there for a bit watching it.

steve:I imagine him cross legged just in front of it. On the grass.

ricky:But do you know what? Because of his shape, the shape of his head and his sort of IQ, I bet the caterpillar was thinking: "Hmmm, Mama!"

steve:Yeah

ricky:Do you know what I mean? Unbelievable!

ricky:Go on.

steve:It was sort of running about all over the place, right, Steve? Caterpillars have loads of feet and that, don't they?

ricky:Wow. Well, they have six legs. They're actually in larva, not an insect and they have six legs.

ricky:But they have little sucker things to hold on to, cabbages and that.

steve:No, they've got more than that.

ricky:No, I'm telling you. They have got six true legs. Trust me. Trust me, I'm a scientist.

steve:And you were thinking what, Karl?

ricky:Well, they've got little pods.

ricky:They've got little pseudo-pod-, legs and little suckers, yeah.

karl:But it was running about, like, everywhere. Right? Mental. But sort of running off to the left... And then it sort of went back to where it was... Then went right and what have you. I'm just thinking, whoever gave them the legs, right? What's the point, if they don't know where they're going and that?

karl:D'ya know what I mean? If you can get-

steve:Imagine that sentence! Did you hear that? Did you hear that sentence? Can we play that sentence back?

ricky:No, I don't think we can.

steve:"Imagine who gave them that legs..."

ricky:"Whoever gave 'em them legs, what's the point if they don't know where they're going?"

steve:"And that"! Always "and that"

ricky:"And that"

ricky:But maybe... Just to be fair to the caterpillar with all its legs, okay? It didn't know where it was going... It had just been plucked from its house by a bird, shot up into the sky and then dropped from 80ft. Hitting the ground.

steve:Onto the head of a weird, bold, shaved monkey.

ricky:It was probably concussed!

karl:Yeah

karl:It's just one of them things again, though.

ricky:But it still knew more about the world than you! How does that make you feel?

karl:I just think it's waste of time having all them feet.

ricky:Feet now! It's got feet now!

steve:Feet, yeah

steve:It's a nightmare buying him shoes, don't it, Karl?

karl:What was it you were saying about leeches and that? Because we were talking about insects.

ricky:They're not insects.

karl:What are they?

ricky:Well, I think they're probably... a class of- Probably platyhelminthes

karl:Yeah

ricky:Probably sort of like a flat worm type of thing.

steve:That's what you were thinking, wasn't it, Karl?

ricky:Yeah!

ricky:I'm not sure about that. I don't know what the family of them is, but no- that'd be... (mumbles)

steve:What was the leech- What was an interesting leech fact?

ricky:Well there's an experiment where you get a maze for a leech and there's a bit of blood, and it learns- it eventually finds its way to the blood, okay? And then it knows

steve:Okay

ricky:And if you put it back to where it starts, it knows where- It goes straight towards it because it's learnt it. If you liquidize that leech

steve:Right

ricky:And feed it to some leeches who have never done the maze, because of a thing called chemical memory, they find their way straight to the blood.

steve:That is extraordinary.

ricky:It's extraordinary.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:I mean, it's incredible.

steve:We should try that out at Hampton Court one weekend!

ricky:(laughs) Yeah

steve:But maybe with some tourists. Just blend up some tourists.

ricky:Or the people on them-- I'll tell you, what would do it. Those people who go on Celebrity Love Island

steve:Any of them

ricky:They would do anything to go. They would be liquidized. People have enemas. They will do anything-- They will wank off pigs. They will do anything to get on telly.

steve:Yeah

ricky:What about that? Be liquidized and fed to another-- Get one 'D' celebrity slapper, liquidize her and feed her to another slut

steve:So blend up Abi Titmuss

ricky:And see as if she can find her (laughs), and see if she can find her way to Channel Five. What a brilliant show! Hosted by Jimmy Carr.

steve:Of course

ricky:That would be amazing!

steve:The Kinks - 'Better Things' on XFM 104.9 Steve Merchant, Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington.

karl:But do you know this... We're talking about the leech thing?

steve:Sure.

karl:You're saying put them in a blender?

ricky:I'm not saying that!

karl:Well, someone did.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Why were they doing that in the first place? D'ya know what I mean? How did they find out that if you if you put leeches in the blender?

ricky:I don't know. They probably kept notes, I don't-- I don't--

karl:No no no, but what made them-- Were they just having a laugh? What-- what made them go...

steve:Yeah, it was at a party. A couple of 14 year olds at a party.

ricky:No, it was a couple of research scientists. They'd be given a million pounds and the boss was coming around to say "What you're doing?" And they were just making a smoothie and they went: "Quick, Mr. Yakamoto is coming round! Show him some leeches!" "What are you doing?" "Just leechin'"

steve:"Just feeding these leeches to some other leeches." "All right, well, that looks like science, I'm off!"

ricky:"Here's another million pounds for next year, bye!"

steve:Yeah, yeah

karl:That's how they work though, innit?

ricky:Yeah. That's exactly how they work!

karl:A lot of the scientists-- I'm just saying they're getting away with murder.

ricky:Go on.

karl:Well, just just the way they do, sort of spend their time.

ricky:And you can't say anything in front of him, because everything's got to have a point with him. You can't have a conversation with Karl, because he always puts in a curveball. You tell him something and the question comes back that you never could have expected. When I told him that story about the monkey who'd run away because he had an argument with his father, he said, "What was it about?"

steve:(laughs) Yeah

ricky:Now, no one in the world thinks that! No one in the world would ask that question.

karl:The leech thing, you know how you said, "show the leech the way to that food, whatever it's eating, whatever" in the maze, right?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:It makes its way. It eats the cheese or whatever.

ricky:Blood!

karl:Blood, right?

ricky:(laughing) "Cheese!"

ricky:Everything's a cartoon with Karl as well, innit?

steve:Yeah

ricky:Everything is a cartoon!

steve:There's a leech with a little hat and a little Babybel at one end.

karl:But what happens if you got another one and move the bit of blood, right?

ricky:Yeah

karl:So feed those two leeches to one, then what? Is it going to get confused or...? Do you know what I mean? Which way will it go if it's eating two? Two leeches?

ricky:Yeah

karl:That have done two different ways... Is it sort of stressed out?

ricky:(laughs) I don't know! I don't know. It probably knows both routes. It probably goes "Well, there's one over here!" (mimicks eating sound) "Oh, it's one over here as well!" (mimicks eating sound) "I'm happy, I've had two for the price of one! And I'm full of leeches"

karl:What's the best that can happen for like--

ricky:I don't kn-- What are you talking about?! What do you want out of me?!

karl:Because I'm just saying if by that-- If by doing that, they can go "Right, we can do this with humans"

ricky:OHH! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! What do you-- What. Do. You. Mean?! In the name of Christ? What do you mean?

steve:They can't do it with humans!

karl:All I'm saying is, what's the point in doing it?

ricky:Think! What do you mean?!

karl:If you could do it with humans, I'd say...

ricky:But what-- what-- wha--

ricky:Right, Karl, think about what you're saying, man!

karl:Yeah. I'm saying

ricky:"If you could do it with humans"! Do what with humans?

karl:Say, if Einstein, right? Didn't do all that maths that he did, right? Say if he got to 'E=' and then he died

ricky:Right

karl:Squash his brain, give it to someone else, say "Right, eat that!" And they go "Right. 'E=MC2' innit? What I'm saying is

ricky:But they wouldn't!

ricky:They'd go 'E= hmmm' wouldn't they? If it was chemical memory, they'd go "Oh 'E= Hmmm, yeah same as Einstein said. Yeah, I just ate his brain.'

ricky:What am I saying?! What have you made-- Karl! Think what you're saying! It's unbelievable! The thing is, right, actually, you are what a scientist does, you just keep saying 'why' and 'what' and 'why' and 'what', but nothing's ever enough for you! Which is good, it's nice to have a insatiable

karl:I just- I get annoyed with all the amount of time and effort that's put into stuff that's useless. What's the next stage to squashing that leech? If it's not going anywhere, forget it! Work on something else. It's the same way in some science magazine I was reading about, 'Is there anything smaller than the quantum electron or something?'

ricky:Yeah

karl:It's like, if it's not getting in the way, don't worry about it! Why are they worrying about things we can't see?

steve:If you blended up Karl's brain and fed it to someone, would it make any difference? They wouldn't even notice, would they?

ricky:No, they wouldn't have.

ricky:They feed it to a leech and they go "Ah I don't know what I was doing"

ricky:"What was I doing? Was I--?"

steve:And leave them more confused.

ricky:I don't know. Talking to leeches: Did you see the dregs that they put into Big Brother last night?

steve:I not been watching it.

ricky:It's bad enough anyway. It's a house full of people you wouldn't cross the road... to save, right?

steve:Yeah, yeah

ricky:But they've put in three more, to spice up a little bit. They've put in a low esteemed model, right?

steve:Sure.

ricky:They've put in Mr. Bean, who is the whitest man I've ever seen. I mean, it's like a new race, he's nearly see-through and this thing that looks like Matt Lucas in a bikini.

steve:Wow!

ricky:Unbelievable. The fat things on her back... I thought she was coming towards me!

steve:Really?

ricky:It was unbelievable. And the first thing she said, she went in, she looked in the mirror, adjusted herself and went "Oh, me minge!"

ricky:That's the level... it's--

steve:Do these people have relatives? Is there anyone in the world who knows them? Claims to be a friend of theirs...

ricky:Family.

steve:Do they have family though, or the family they just moved away?

ricky:No no no, their family their family are probably quite proud of them. Because they're on the telly. It's probably like "Saw your daughter last night saying 'Oh me minge' on the telly." "Yes, she was on the telly, wasn't she?" "Yes, she was on the telly."

ricky:What about the bit about 'Oh me minge'? She got one out immediately, got it out. Lobbed it out-- It's-- I mean, it's unbelievable. It looks like an experiment.

steve:I can't watch it anymore. It's just too much now, because I can't relate to those people. In the first series, I always remember it seemed like a genuine social experiment. There was intrigue, there was drama. It was genuinely great, hypnotic television.

ricky:Now it's like putting ants in a jar and shaking it.

steve:Yeah. I don't know-- but even that, I couldn't watch that once a night every week.

ricky:No, I know.

steve:It's just... unspeakable

ricky:It is unbelievable what people are willing to do now-- Because they just put in people... I mean it's unbelievable. It really is. You don't care about anyone. But I suppose what's good is that you watch it now, because you want one of them to fall over and hurt themselves (laughs)

steve:Yeah. Or just choke on a chicken bone. And no one else in the house knows the Heimlich maneuver.

ricky:That's a good idea, isn't it?

steve:Yeah, feed them more chicken. Send them more roast chicken. So we got a wonderful celebration for.

ricky:'Pushing the Senses' by Feeder on XFM. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Alright? How are you doing, Karl?

karl:Yeah, I'm alright, yeah.

ricky:Another holiday?

karl:Well, it wasn't a holiday.

ricky:It was. You had five days off work. Why is that not a holiday? You had five days not working for a living. You know how many days holiday he gets a year now? 29!

steve:Ahh! That's more than teachers, isn't it?

ricky:It makes me sick. It makes. Me. sick.

steve:Well, I know, the kind of hours you work, Rick... It's mad! I mean, if you're not in work by midday, you're furious!

ricky:No, but I mean, I'm always...

karl:29 is normal. For the normal working person.

ricky:Yeah, but, you know...

karl:Anyway, it wasn't a proper holiday. I went to see my mum and dad. It's nice to see him and everything, but it's not a holiday, is it?

ricky:Why?

karl:It's not going away? It's not getting on the plane, is it? Going away?

ricky:Oh is that the definition of a holiday? What happened before 1950?

karl:Hmmmm I don't know

ricky:Yeah, exactly. People used to go to Blackpool or Brighton. That was a holiday. Where did you go?

karl:Into Wales.

ricky:There you go. A lovely holiday. A lovely holiday, have a holiday in wales. That's what they say, init?

ricky:Come to Wales, have a holiday! That's what they say, innit? They don't say "Come to Wales and meet your parents"! They say "Come to Wales and have a lovely holiday"!

karl:Well, anyway, it was good and that. It's always good to see them

ricky:Well yeah. A week off work.

karl:Do you know how mom likes gnomes and stuff?

ricky:Yeah, right.

ricky:Of course she does! She's lived with one for 30 years! (giggles)

karl:She said... "Get your dad to take us to this to this park where they've got like, six foot gnomes and stuff... have a walk about"

steve:Sounds like a nightmare! It's like a living night there.

ricky:"Keep an eye on Karl!"

steve:Yeah

steve:He stood still for two minutes. Someone bought him.

karl:No no no, you can't buy them and that. It's like a little exhibition thing and it's part of a hall, this big hall that you have to pay to get in. But we didn't want to see the hall, we just want to see the gnomes.

steve:Of course you did, yeah.

karl:Anyway, my dad says, "yeah, well, we can get in there for free"

ricky:Of course he did.

steve:Clever.

karl:So we parked up on this little country lane, right? No one about

steve:(laughs) How much was it to go in? Like like two quid?

karl:Like three quid each.

steve:Yeah

karl:But you said-- Yeah but if you don't have to pay... I mean, you enjoy it even more, don't you? When you're walking about, you think "I've got this three quid in my pocket, no one's having it", right?

ricky:No, you're looking over your shoulder for a bloke with a peaked hat saying "Can I see your ticket, please?" I wouldn't enjoy it more.

karl:No, you don't worry about it.

steve:You got a bit of money now then, Rick! You're changed!

karl:Anyway, we had to walk across about four fields.

ricky:For three quid!

karl:And what happened was... we're walking through all these fields and what have you, big grass and muddy bits and all that, it's been raining and climbing over fences and stuff... And we're in this field, right? And I looked to me right, and there's about 30 cows all staring at us. Right? And Suzanne started to panic a bit. She said, we shouldn't be here. Dad says "Of course we can! We're allowed to go wherever we want. You know, all this land, it's ramblers rights" and all that stuff.

ricky:Yeah. You can take a camera if you want. Unattended.

ricky:Serves him right for leaving him in the field unattended.

ricky:(mumbles)... for a week!

karl:Anyway, these cows start surrounding us

ricky:(laughing) "Surrounding us!" Oh brilliant! Face off!

karl:And Suzanne's panicking, going "This isn't right. We're not going to make it to the fence in time!" They're moving in fast on us and they started sort of running a bit.

steve:Wow! It was a bovine West Side Story! A gang of cows coming at you.

karl:My dad was like "Don't worry about it" and stuff, but me dad had to sort of stand there and wave a stick at them.

steve:Of course

karl:And we got away, but Suzanne was like having a bit of a sweat on

steve:And you could have got killed

karl:Saying, we could have got killed.

steve:Sure.

karl:And my dad saying "No, it never happens" I just wondered if it does. If there's a risk of...

ricky:Yeah, it is rare, but there's been a couple of cases of being trampled. They're not aggressive, they sort of run through you. Well, they're aggressive if they've got a calf.

karl:They had kids.

ricky:What?

karl:They had kids with them

ricky:Kids, yeah?

ricky:Yeah, that's goats your thinking of.

steve:Maybe they were trying to sneak into the gnome thing! And they were worried that, like, if too many people did it.. They thought we're cows we can just sneak in. No one's expecting cows are going to walk in.

ricky:The cows were going: (in an funny voice) "Walk upright like you're a human. Walk upright."

steve:They thought you'd blown their cover.

ricky:Yeah. People have been killed by cows before.

karl:That was like the highlight.

steve:So when you arrived there, you presumably covered in mud, looking like someone that just come from Glastonbury, staggering around this exhibition.

karl:No, it wasn't that bad. It was just like a woods, and it had like a funny sort of funeral-, like a graveyard thing

steve:Right.

karl:With bodies sort of hanging out the ground and that.

steve:What?!

karl:And they had these six foot gnomes. And then we just set off again, walk back.

ricky:Are you sure this wasn't a dream?

karl:No, it was good. It was good. But then I got back, right, Steve? And called up Ricky, I said "Right, you're about?" have a chat on that. So he said, oh just come round it's a nice day. Have a drink and what have you. So I got round there at about 06:30, right? Go up to his door, knock on his door, right? He stood there with his tackle out.

steve:Ahh

steve:Yeah. What what did you make of that? What was wrong with that?

karl:What do you mean what's wrong with that?

steve:Why were you look at it? Why were you looking at it?

karl:I tried not to look at it, but again, you're always sort of attracted to it.

steve:I've never been attracted to another man's tackle! I don't know what you mean.

karl:He can't help but have a have a little sly look. Especially when it's there. When you when you ring the bell -and I mean the one on the door, right?- and that's hanging out...

steve:And does he dress to the left or the right?

karl:It was to the left, right?

ricky:It was to left, yeah. Just popped out of my shorts. Just popped him out of the shorts

karl:Should have seen the state of him! Shorts on, no top. And a cigar. Like someone out of The Sopranos.

karl:It was a mess!

ricky:We sat on the balcony drinking wine, didn't we?

steve:Did you pop it back in or...?

ricky:Yeah, I popped it straight back in, I've got the laugh.

steve:Sure.

ricky:I've got the laugh I wanted. He walked in and he went: "Oh, it's not that hot." Straightaway. "It's not that hot". Ah, Brilliant.

ricky:Was that Knob News or is there more?

karl:No, we've got more Knob News.

ricky:That's just a taster

karl:Just a taster.

steve:Listen, let's play some adverts, let's play some great music. And maybe we should have some early Knob News.

ricky:Early Knob News, coming up.

ricky:'Landed' by Ben Folds on XFM. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant Karl Pilkington

steve:We had a couple of emails, Rick, saying that there have been reports of people actually being killed by cows

ricky:Yeah.

steve:So it is actually quite a lucky escape for Karl and his family.

ricky:The worrying thing about that, is it's tragic and anyone dying unexpectedly, it's terrible. But what makes it worse is someone like being killed by cows, because it's a slight... humor aspect.

steve:Yeah

ricky:How was he killed? Killed by a cow. Like, for example, if you were killed by a falling safe, the vicar might laugh.

steve:Yes

ricky:That's my worry.

steve:Yeah. Well, I read a story in the paper of a man who fell out of a window and died. He fell out of, like, a third story window and he fell out. But it was slightly amusing, because at the time he was mooning.

ricky:I know

steve:For a laugh, he was mooning someone and he fell out. So when he fell, even though it was tragic, he obviously had his treasures around his ankles and his arse out.

ricky:I know the there was a thing about a kid who died got hit by a truck mooning. But they had the worst thing like that is: it's not funny enough to be killed for.

steve:No

ricky:Mooning isn't funny enough.

steve:No. It's just not a good enough gag.

ricky:Do you know what I mean? It's a witless sort of thing to do and then to be killed for it.

steve:If you just done a two hour impromptu Eddie Izard-style routine and then you got tragically killed, that would sort of make sense.

ricky:I know

steve:But mooning, it's almost karmic because it's such a bad joke.

ricky:Yeah, exactly

steve:Some weird universal karmic way. It's like, if you hadn't been mooning, maybe you wouldn't got killed.

ricky:I know.

steve:If you haven't done such a lame joke, maybe you'd be okay.

ricky:Yeah, that's it.

steve:But yeah, you don't want to be walking along-- You're only walking through the garden and stand on a rake and it flips up

ricky:And hits you so hard

steve:And it's like a boing noise.

ricky:And it hits you so hard that it kills you.

steve:Or you fall out of a window and a cactus goes up your bum.

ricky:Killed by cactus up the arse. Or you're at a concert and a fat woman stage dives.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:And she just squashes you. How did he die? He was squashed by a big hefty.

steve:Mama Cass just jumped on him.

ricky:Just big fat woman squashed him to death.

steve:Yeah.

karl:Tell you what though. I heard something about fat women.

ricky:Go on

karl:And I'm not having a go! Did you see Michelle McManus on..

steve:Oh man alive!

ricky:Yeah?

steve:"You are what you eat"? What has she eaten?! Girls Aloud?

steve:It was unbelievable!

ricky:No, but to be fair, you know she did--

steve:Have you seen her in bikini one?

ricky:Well yes, but she was always a little bit...

steve:What do you mean "a little bit"?!

ricky:Well, no, she used to eat too much right? But what I did like about it was that she had a go, you know. She did lose--

karl:She tried hard enough, yeah. I quite liked her by the end of it.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:She's not an unpleasant woman. She's a lovely woman. But I mean, like I said before, it was that interviewing Heat magazine where I tend to eat eleven packets of Doritos a night. 11 packets! I mean come on, Michelle!

ricky:Yeah, that's too much, in it?

steve:Unless you're trying to win some kind of competition, like trying to find some kind of, you know, a golden ticket in one of the packets, there's no excuse!

ricky:What could you possibly be trying to win to eat those every day?

karl:Well, it wasn't her who annoys me. It's that doctor in it, that woman. She does me head in

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Can't be doing with the way .

steve:She's not actually officially a doctor, isn't she?

ricky:No

ricky:And her bedside manner is not very good either. The fear tactic that

steve:And what does she look like?!

steve:I mean, she doesn't look like the, sort of peak of health

ricky:No, I know

steve:She's sort of like, a witch-like crone-type.

karl:And it can't be good for you, hanging about all that poo all the time. She's always

karl:I've been told not to mess with dog poo, because it can make you blind and she's constantly at it. Rummaging through it, and it annoys me the way it's like "Well, let's have a look at your poo. Let's see if you're eating the wrong types of food." The person is about 33 stone!

steve:Yeah.

karl:It's obvious.

karl:Do you know what I mean? Don't need to look at that. It's just wind-- And I'll tell you the thing that-- I mean, I've never had it done anyway, right? But the... the colonic thing

steve:Did Michelle have that?

ricky:Yeah

karl:Yeah, and they've shown it. She sat there, sort of lying down. She's like "Oh"... But I don't understand why people have that done anyway. Unless you are sort of bummed up.

steve:Yeah, or you've got cactus up there.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:But the other thing is like the way... like it's a clear tube. Why do you need to... why do you need to see what's whizzing past? Know what I mean? It's like some sort of Generation Game.

steve:Yeah. You gotta remember everything, then you win a prize.

karl:Why can't they just look at it in the bucket after and go "Right, yeah"

steve:But why do you need to look at it at all?

karl:Well, it's

ricky:Out of interest init?

karl:See what's come out.

ricky:So you go "So that's where that went! I've been looking for that!" A remote control.

steve:How does it work? I don't want to go into graphic detail, but they just send water up there?

ricky:No, caffeine.

steve:Caffeine?

ricky:Yeah. It's like a big... Like a gallon of coffee. It goes up there and it wants to come out immediately obviously. And... it percolates (giggles)

karl:But when did that happen? How did someone

karl:No one sort of go "tell you what you want to do"

ricky:I think it was first invented on Distraction. To win a car. (giggles) I don't know, do I? I suppose they just thought there's stuff up there that's not coming out, let's you know

karl:The coffee's still here though, innit?

ricky:They, did that thing, where they find things up there that they swallowed when they were five and that, don't they?

steve:Lego bricks and stuff.

ricky:Exactly, yeah. Marbles. But I mean, meats and things can stay in there- You know, it gets it gets caught in a little, you know, a little recess in your in your 30 foot of tubing and it doesn't come out.

steve:Talking of meats, I saw an advert on the way in today, a question to both of you: Who eats Peperami?

ricky:I don't know.

steve:Have you ever eaten a Peperami?

ricky:It's disgusting!

steve:I've never seen anyone eating a Peperami, buying one... I've never heard anyone say "Ah, delicious Peperami!" earlier. I don't associate it, with anyone, I've never seen anyone eat one.

ricky:But when you think, what is it- It's just sort of like... curdled, salt, salty- It's sort of like "Do you want to try a big long blood bogey?"

steve:Yeah

ricky:"Uhh, I won't, no!" "It lasts forever." "That's scary, then."

steve:Yeah

ricky:You can just keep it-- Keep it under your couch, just as nice in a years time.

steve:It does look like something you'd find down the back of the oven, when you were cleaning out. Like one of those Gordon Ramsay documentaries.

ricky:(laughs) Yeah, exactly!

steve:Because it's-- I always associate it's Peperami, and it's the those nutrition drinks which are like it looks like a dog food tin. And I think it's just called something like, 'nutrition' or 'nutri-drink' or something.

ricky:Oh yeah

steve:And you always see some empty ones on a brick wall, near a council estate

ricky:Oh right.

steve:Which I think, the only people who eat them are homeless people.

ricky:Oh, really? I thought you were saying it's bodybuilders.

steve:No no no, because you can see them in regular news agents, it's not a bodybuilder specialist

ricky:I don't believe there are homeless, who's just got a quid and she runs in and buys an isotonic nutri-drink.

steve:No, but it's not isotonic, no. I think it's basically, if you don't want to eat a meal because you're too high on smack, it'll give you as much as you can possibly need, just to keep you alive until your next hit.

ricky:Ah, right. And tell me, Steve: Does the Special Brew do that? Or am I barking up the wrong tree with that?

steve:I don't know. I don't know.

ricky:Because they seem to be getting a lot of nutrition from the Special Brew.

steve:The people who make Special Brew now, they just resign to the fact that it's only homeless people who are drinking it. It's like,"Well we may as well just market it chiefly at them"

ricky:What's the advertising? "Takes the edge off, when you can't find smack"?

steve:Yeah, yeah

steve:"Are you Trying to sleep on Tottenham Court Road?

ricky:Oh god! Oh...

steve:New Order - 'World' XFM 104.9 with Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. And it's Knob News time. We're all very excited. Last week's knob news was what, Karl? Do You remember?

ricky:It was a man, who grew a knob on his arm.

steve:Sure.

karl:No, he didn't grow it there, did he? They put it there.

ricky:Well, I know that. But yeah

karl:Popped it on his arm.

ricky:Let's recap. A recap of the week's news, right now is the headlines

karl:We talked about it before, do you know the little mouse that had an ear on its back.

ricky:Yeah

steve:Sure.

karl:Alright. Well, you thought he had a bad time, right? Listen to this one! Mouse walking about, sort of wearing a monkey's testicle.

karl:They're just having a laugh. This is what I mean about a lot of scientists. What are they doing? When's that going to come in handy?

ricky:I don't know what you mean.

karl:Well, they were seeing if... You know, say if a fella loses one, right? Hitler or whatever. And they go "Well, don't worry about it, we will sort you out" I don't know what the monkey is going to do. Not if they keep passing them on or whatever. But the actual monkey testicle was put on the mouse. And it worked. It worked for the mouse.

steve:But isn't it-- I mean, a monkey's testicle quite large in relation to a mouse? Would it not look like the mouse was on a Space hopper or something?

karl:Oh yeah, it didn't look good.

ricky:They didn't put it where its testicles would be.

karl:No, they did.

ricky:Well, how could it walk then? The ear was on his back so he could just get about.

karl:Well, I don't know.

ricky:You don't know, do you? You just guessed! Did they grow the monkey's testicles where the mouse testicles were? .

karl:Well, it would look stupid anywhere else on wouldn't it?

ricky:Oh, whereas a mouse with monkey testicles that's fine!

karl:You'd be showing off. You'd be all right. I'd prefer that than the ear.

steve:When that mouse gets put back in with the other mice, do the other mice go: "George, you look different, have you had anything done?"

karl:But the weird thing is as well, apparently it still works as a monkey.

ricky:What? What are you talking about?

karl:Like the you know, the sperm and that, it was-- it was still sort of monkey?

ricky:Of course it was! What are you talking about?

karl:Well, that's weird.

ricky:But, but...

ricky:Karl! It's only a thing to give it nutrients, that's all the thing they're testing. It's like grafting at that level... Right, what's your question? Because I'm-- Right. What do you think, it would change eventually-- it would have changed into a mouse testicle? Because it had been hanging around a mouse for so long?

karl:No, I thought the actual sperm of it though, would be a mouse's.

ricky:Why?!

karl:Because it's hanging off a mouse

ricky:No, but your sperm is actually created in the testicles. So that's why it has to be outside your body. Otherwise we put them in a nice little cage.

karl:I'm guessing then that they've done this operation, so that they can do it to humans. Yeah? Why would I want a monkey testicle if my kids are going to be monkeys? What use is it?

ricky:No, think! That's not-- No

steve:That's gonna happen anyway, Karl

ricky:Yeah

ricky:But think about what you're saying. They've grown a monkey testicle on a mouse to see if it would still function as a monkey testicle. Okay? So they can do that to humans. So think, Karl! What they do is, they'd grow a human testicle on a mouse and it could still be used as a human testicle.

karl:To what?

ricky:To give you a testicle if you

ricky:Lost

karl:But from a mouse?

ricky:No, from another person! It was kept alive on a mouse. Because it's kept the nutrients alive, as opposed to keeping them in deep freeze. Maybe bollocks go off after a week? I don't know. Maybe they get accidents-- He had a little card "Do you donate your testicles?" Yeah "I'll tell you what, no one needs testicles yet, let's keep them on a mouse."

ricky:You have yours ripped off in some sort of bizarre skiing accident. You go well, you go into-- You know Battersea Dogs Home? You pick the ones you want, they can grow on anything. They can grow on a dachshu-- Bulldogs are growing them unusually. That's why you see a bulldog usually, that's waiting for an operate-- What don't you understand, Karl?!

steve:Hang on a minute! I thought this was Knob News, not Testicle Time. I don't understand why..

ricky:Testicle Time is not for another ten minutes!

karl:No it's all it's all sort of it linked and that though, innit?

steve:Well...

ricky:Sometimes. Sometimes it's linked to a mouse.

karl:But do you-- I mean, what what do you think about, like, I don't know, testing stuff out like that? Is it worth... is it worth it? Could you not just go straight from

ricky:But listen, Karl, I'm getting this information from you! If this was on Question Time and someone said-- You know, Dimbleby and Paxman or whatever said it, I'd think about it as a moral dilemma. You've just said, you saw a mouse with a monkey testicle, what do you think of that? I don't think anything of it. I don't think anything of it, is the answer, Karl. Cause I can't trust the info. I cannot trust anything that comes out of your mouth.

karl:Well, it's true. But it's just all this-- it's the same thing. It's the leeches in a blender. It's the fella looking at an electron. It's the mouse with an ear on its back. I don't know what the point is.

ricky:But you don't read on! Because I've seen you read somewhere and you're going "Look at that! Man survives on eating knee." And I go "what else?" And you go "I didn't read on"

steve:You look at the mouse with the ear on the back and you just think "That must be murder at a concert!" You don't think!

karl:I just think, is it worth sort of wasting all the

ricky:You think he swallowed someone's ear. He gnawed it away and swallowed it, and it's just in his system.

steve:Yeah

karl:I just get a bit sad about the mice.

ricky:I agree. I mean, that is sad. Yeah. And of course, anything that... is awful.

karl:But saying that, I remember ages ago, the other load of people on Oxford Street -don't know if you've seen them there, where they get you to sign stuff-

ricky:Yeah

karl:And the woman got annoyed with me, right? Because she was saying about drugs with animals, testing them out and stuff like that, which is bad. And I was saying, yeah, it's really bad and I was looking at the pictures and that. But I said, what would happen if the drug is aspirin and the monkey's got headache? Is it such a bad thing? She got annoyed. didn't want to listen to me anymore.

karl:It's a good point, though, innit? At what point is it cruel to test stuff out on things?

ricky:Yeah

karl:Give it some nurofen. Nothing!

ricky:I'll bet that mouse had a headache, because everything must have been loud. Just the other mice squeaking must have done its head in.

ricky:Oh

steve:Turn that radio down!

ricky:Give him a nurofen, please.

karl:Listen, are we going to get Rockbusters out of the way?

ricky:Go on then

steve:Quickly

karl:It's not going to take long, is it?

karl:Right, then, so... Three clues and that

ricky:"And that", yeah

karl:Initials of a band or an artist. You can win some stuff. Steve, you can go through the

rick:Ladder 49 better be in there!

karl:Let me just quickly work out the

steve:You get on with those clues and I'll tell you what's happening.

ricky:And this is the last time. The winner of this

karl:No, we'll do it again next week.

ricky:Oh, is it? And then there'll be six people. We just draw some out of a hat to win the signed Homer, the Nigel Tufnel and us as Flanimals.

karl:Right, are you ready then?

ricky:They've got great prizes. They've got 'Alias'

steve:They've got 'Alias'. They've got 'The Aviator', a Batman Cartoon Series M. Night Shyamalan's 'The Village' - atrocious film

steve:And... Ladder 49! There it is.

ricky:Brilliant.

karl:It's in there.

steve:Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta. "Their greatest challenge lies in rescuing one of their own"

ricky:Brilliant. Go on then, Karl

karl:Right, the first one then: When I'm ill, I throw up horse food. When I'm ill, I throw up horse food. How can that work? What's going on there? The initials there: I-H. Right? It's a band or an artist or singer. Something like that. I-H. They're the initials, the clue...

ricky:I've got it.

karl:When I'm ill, I throw up horse food. Right?

ricky:I've got it.

karl:Right then. Don't say anything! Works, don't it?

ricky:No.

karl:Hmmmm

karl:Second one: That garden tool. It's not yours, what you're doing with it? Right? That garden tool you're messing about with, that it's not yours.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Give it back!

ricky:What was that?

karl:N-D. N-D. Right? Arist or a band. What's going on there? (mumbles)

karl:Third one: That male sheep sounds fed up. Why is he fed up? T-R. T-R is the initials. That male sheep sounds fed up. What's going on? If you know the answers to them three, email in 'Ricky dot Gervais at XFM dot co dot UK'. Or you can text in '83 XFM'. Right?

steve:Great prizes.

steve:You can win yourself a copy of Ladder 49!

ricky:Foo Fighters - 'Best of You' on XFM 104.9.

ricky:Alright, Karl? You calmed down now, about science.

karl:It just does me head in, a lot of this stuff. I think I would have been better off sort of growing up in the 1940s or something.

ricky:Why?

karl:Well, there wasn't as much science going on. People just live in there for the moment.

steve:So you mean- What if you had to go to war?

karl:What? Alright, maybe 1945 then, I'd be happier. Just after the war. That bit after the war and before they start messing about

ricky:What age? What year would you want to be born?

karl:When was the war over?

ricky:'45.

karl:Alright. '46 then.

steve:But there's people-- there's rationing for another ten years.

karl:'56 then.

steve:But there's a lot of science going on

karl:(in an annoyed voice) Ahh, forget it!

karl:It just annoys me, all they're messing about. They're always messing about with stuff and I sometimes think, is it doing any good? Is what I mean. Mouse with ears, mouse with monkeys testicles. They're messing about with a mammoth now!

steve:Go on

karl:Well, they're just saying, well, they're managing to knock one together

steve:Who has?

karl:Some scientists somewhere.

ricky:Who? Handy Andy?

karl:No, but it's just-- Do we need-- I mean, we've done it before about the "Do we need 'em" thing. The amount of creatures and insects and that, that are knocking about. You got a caterpillar that I mentioned walking about, it doesn't know where it's going. Get rid of them! The mammoth. The world's busy enough, it's crowded, it's overcrowded now! How much room are they going to take up?

karl:You know what I mean?

steve:Why are they doing it, Karl? Do you know? All you know is that they're trying to much around with a mammoth.

karl:Because they can. That's all that is, innit? Because they can. Messing about. Someone being paid to do stuff.

ricky:Yeah. What else are we here for? If not to try stuff out? What else are we here for?

karl:What do you mean?

ricky:Well, what are we here for?

karl:Just to enjoy life, innit?

ricky:Well, some scientists enjoy knocking a mammoth together.

karl:No, but don't worry about the mammoth. It died out. Maybe it died out for a reason. Why didn't Noah save it? If it was important?

ricky:Because Noah... That's not...That's... What do you mean? Noah's not true, is it?

karl:Well, there might have been some truth in it.

ricky:What? What truth in it? That he put two of every animal that existed into an Ark. How big was this, then? Why didn't they eat each other?

karl:I know, I'm not saying

steve:Imagine the noise, Karl!

ricky:Yeah,

karl:No, there's points of that where I go "that didn't happen", because where could he have been where there was a hamster and an elephant and a crocodile? Where was he?!

karl:Do you know what I'm saying?

ricky:But none of it is true! What bit do you believe?

karl:What do you mean?

ricky:It got a bit wet?

karl:What are we talking about, the mammoth or the...?

ricky:No, Noah! ... What is up with you?!

karl:No, it's just

ricky:Seriously. Have you got brain damage?!

karl:No, it's just that we had a lot of topics going on there, I just don't know which...

ricky:No, we were talking about Noah! And then you suddenly go (mumbles) "The mammoth or Noah?" What?

ricky:What is it? None of it's true. Think of it. Oh, god... Think of the first thing: "Build an ark!" "Well, alright" (hums)

steve:"Can I just clarify? What's an ark?"

ricky:"It's a bit of a big boat thing"

steve:"Right. It's just, I've never had any experience of carpentry"

ricky:"Just build a big boat thing!"

steve:"Well, I'm not really..."

ricky:"Just have a go! Don't worry, you'll be all right. I'll make sure it's all right."

steve:"But once I built that-- I mean, how big should I build it?"

ricky:"Very big. It needs every animal, two of every animal"

steve:"Whoah! Can I stop you there?"

ricky:"Go on"

steve:"I mean, the boat building, fair enough."

ricky:"I told you to make it big!"

steve:"Right."

ricky:"Don't worry about the fish, they can swim!"

steve:"Okay"

ricky:"Or the birds. Get the flightless ones, though, they'll drown! Get the flightless ones. Not the penguins! They're flightless, but they can swim. But all other animals..."

steve:"I should be writing this down!"

karl:But why-- I mean

karl:They could have took that opportunity to go "Right, forget the... whatever" I mean the jellyfish didn't need to get in it, did it? But there's other animals where you can

ricky:We don't need to be here! Because Karl is actually having a little argument in his own head. It's like, you remember that comic strip, the Numbskulls? Where there's loads of people and they're doing different stuff? He can hear them. And sometimes his own mind puts him off.

steve:Yeah

ricky:Like just then, he has an argument with himself and it puts him off. Right. What was your question?

karl:I'm just saying, don't mess it out with a mammoth!

ricky:Whoa! Okay.

steve:What a platform! It's good, you know. We've got a radio show, our own radio show. People are spending money to advertise it... People are actually bothering to listen. And the words of wisdom coming out your mouth is "Don't mess around with a mammoth!"

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:Great.

karl:No, but just going back to

ricky:You sound just like Bob Geldof.

karl:Ahh, I can't be bothered with this...

steve:He's trying to say

ricky:What? What can't you be bothered with?

karl:Just because I think I've got a good point.

ricky:What? Don't mess around with a mammoth?

steve:That's not a point!

ricky:Don't Put Your Daughter on the Stage, Mrs. Worthington-- What are you talking about?!

karl:It's just that I think there's too many animals knocking about. I mean, I know you love your cat and what have you... Waste of time though. What do they do?

ricky:Well, they frighten you.

karl:Well, yours is mental though, innit?

ricky:He's sitting there, and the cat runs behind him (laughs) and he nearly shat himself!

steve:Well, your cat is crazy! It does go through it. It loves-- It's got claws. Big old claws.

ricky:Of course they have! It's a cat.

steve:Yeah, but most cats don't come leaping at your goolies every time you sit down with lovely warm, hot cup of tea.

karl:Aren't they pointless though, Steve?

steve:Well, I've always had a problem with pets, generally.

karl:Cats the most. I was saying to Ricky about I don't know why-- Out of all the animals that Dick Whittington could have took with him on his journey

ricky:Again!

karl:Forget the cat! Forget it.

ricky:Okay! Okay, you've got a walk to London because the streets are paid with gold. You can take any animal. What do you take?

karl:It wouldn't be a cat because it would keep wandering off. You'd do double the distance. Trying to get it back. "Come here!" They don't listen to you, it's pointle-- Can't be dealing with them!

steve:I agree, you don't get enough affection back from a cat. A dog, it loves you, can't get enough of you. But cats, they're very snooty.

ricky:Well, they're cool, aren't they cats? They're cool, they're independent. I like dogs as well, I like all animals. What would you take with you?

karl:What if I was Dick Whittington?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:And where is he walking from?

ricky:I don't know. Wasn't it Bristol to London or sommat? I don't know. Again, it's a bit hazy. This isn't well documented.

karl:I mean, why is he taking a pet and not a mate who...

karl:Ah, I'm not interested! Forget it. I try and learn and you don't help...

steve:That's a track from new Aimee Mann album, the 'Forgotten Arm', that's called 'She Really Wants You'. XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

karl:Alright?

ricky:Brilliant. Talking about technology, sometimes being a waste of time.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Ee-yar: You know when you came around the other night? Before you came around, I'm sitting there just at the computer. It's hot day, wasn't it? As you know, I was in my shorts, I was tucked in, I didn't get them out until you came around. Just minding my own business. Jane got some wax strips and she went "Oh, let me just do your back." I went "No no no"

ricky:And I haven't got a hairy back. I've got a couple of wispy hairs on my shoulders. Probably about 20 either side. Nothing to worry about, it's not like I look one of those people that's like a gorilla on the beach. Right?

steve:I assume your back looks a little bit like Karl's head.

ricky:Exactly, yeah. And she went "I should do this" and she put it on my back and she ripped it off. I went "forget it!" She went "I got to do the other side now." I said forget it! Alright? And oh, god! I let her do the other side... It's ridiculous! It's so painful! And I've hardly got any airs on the back, right? So it made me think of something that I heard about: There's a thing that you can do, -and I don't know why- for people with really hairy backs and people who are hairy all over, okay? Called back crack and sack.

ricky:They do your back-- And you know there's some people that do look like little monkeys, right?

steve:Yeah, yeah, yeah

ricky:They do your back. They do your arse crack.

ricky:And they do your balls.

steve:Ahh...

karl:In that order?

ricky:(laughing) Again! Always a question that doesn't matter!

karl:No, it does, because what I'm saying is, is it done from the top all the way down?

ricky:It's not done in one! What do you think, there's this is huge, 30 foot Band-Aid type thing that you're wrapped in and then pulled?? It's done a little bit at a time, isn't it?!

karl:Right. Well, again, it still matters which order.

ricky:Why?

ricky:Because if it hurts you back, it's definitely going to hurt the sack. That's what I'm saying. I think-- What is it called? Back, crack-n-sack or

ricky:Crack-n-sack.

karl:Or sack, crack and back.

ricky:No, it's called back-crack-- I don't know! Ahhh... It's probably a marketing person said "we got to do it in order"

steve:You could probably choose which order you want them in, Karl.

ricky:It's back, crack and sack.

karl:It should be sack. Sack, crack, back. Definitely! It should be sold like that.

ricky:Why?

karl:Because, like I say, if you're lying there-- Look, you got half of you back done. If you went "Ohh, forget it!" right? There is no way you'll have the sack done.

karl:Is it?

ricky:No. I'm sorry, I wouldn't have the crack and sack done anyway.

karl:I don't know why people are doing it.

ricky:I'm not going to have my back done. It doesn't need doing.

karl:Where are people going, where they've got to worry about the condition of the sack? At what event do you go to, where you go "I've got to look sharp! I've got to look the part today!" Ricky: I don't know

karl:Gonna have the sack done.

ricky:Nudists?

karl:No, because they're about being natural and that, innit? Normally they are hairy, like that woman on holiday.

ricky:Yeah, the women are. The men aren't. I don't know.

karl:Yeah, they all are sort of pretty hairy. They believe in just leaving the body as it is.

ricky:I think little gay fellas like, love it, don't they?

steve:Why are you looking at me? I don't know!

ricky:(laughs) I don't know. If you're a little gay fella and you've had it done...

steve:Yeah, text in.

ricky:Just text in. What's the text thing?

steve:83-XFM. Just text in, you know, tell us... Tell us what? I don't know. Do we need-- Is there any information that we're missing? Is it painful? I assume so.

karl:'Course it is

steve:Why did you get it done? That's the question. Why did you get it done? Why is it important to have a hairless arse?

steve:Turin Brakes on XFM, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl, are we doing your story with the song?

karl:Is that what you want to do?

steve:Yeah. Excited about it.

karl:Well... Like last-- what was it the other week, we did

ricky:'Babooshka'?

karl:Did 'Babooshka'

ricky:The 'Pinball Wizard'. You said if he's deaf, done and blind, he doesn't even know he's playing pinball. Which was...

steve:A fair point

karl:I'm just saying, don't go putting money in it. That's all I'm saying. Let him play pinball, but don't waste 20p or whatever. Good point. This week, right--

ricky:It is a good point, actually.

steve:It is a good point

ricky:Again, though it wasn't a documentary.

karl:What?

ricky:It didn't really happen.

karl:Yeah, well... Do you know how I was saying sometimes I listen to songs-- I like a song to be obvious in what it's saying. 'Pinball Wizard' was a good story.

ricky:You need a song to be obvious!

karl:'In the Ghetto', you know, it's a kid growing up and all that, in a rough area. Gets killed for nicking cars and messing with guns and that. 'Living in the City', growing up in New York, rough area... How you cope with it and that, right?

karl:But they've got to be as simple as that. Otherwise I'm not that happy.

ricky:I've got a brand new combine harvester. It's brand new.

steve:But, even though it's new, he's willing to lend it out to other people.

karl:No, but what I mean is... if you start trying to be clever, the story's lost on you, init?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Not necessary me, or Rick, but yeah, sure.

ricky:We know what you mean. Go on.

steve:On primates, yeah.

karl:Well, this song here, right? It's not an XFM song and you'll probably hate the song, to be honest.

ricky:Go on, what is it?

karl:What's the song?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:It's 'Wonderful Tonight'. Right? Eric Clapton.

ricky:Okay. It's alright. Sort of blues-y sort of ballad from the late 70s. Yeah, it's all right.

karl:But I'm always arguing with Suzanne, because every time I hear it, I'm getting different pictures in me head. Of like, what's going on? Right?

ricky:Okay.

karl:And I'm convinced it's about like this little crippled fella in a wheelchair, right? And he's knocking about with his wife.

ricky:Hmmmm. We don't say "cripple" anymore, do we, Steve? Do we say "cripple"?

steve:I don't think we've said that since...

ricky:Seventies?

steve:I think it's the seventies, when we stopped.

karl:Alright, just a little fella in a wheelchair then.

ricky:Okay

karl:And the story is all sort of... You know how he's being pushed about by his

ricky:Again! That's not literally

karl:By his wife.

steve:By his wife? She's wheeling him about? What do you mean?

karl:She's wheeling him about... They go to a party, everyone sort of looks round and looks at him.

ricky:What makes you think-- What makes you think that he's in a wheelchair? What's the clues? What's the words?

karl:There's loads of little things. Like I say... something about his wife walking around with me and all that. Well, of course she is, she's just pushing him about.

ricky:Woah woah woah! "Walking around", if someone said "Ah, she's walking around with me", I'd think they were both walking around.

karl:There's a few

ricky:That's not-- There must be a reason why you suddenly thought that fella's in a wheelchair.

karl:Well, me wife's walking around with me

ricky:"...and I feel alright"

karl:No, and-- And she's always saying "Do you feel alright?" and that, she's always asking him how he is!

rikcy:(laughs) Yeah, but...

karl:Just listen, let me play it, right? And try and picture the scene...

ricky:But now I'm only thinking of a little fella in a wheelchair

karl:Have a listen to it and, you know, just everything that's been said

ricky:Okay.

karl:Understand why I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

ricky:No, never!

karl:Alright, you ready?

ricky:Yeah

karl:Hmmm

ricky:No clue yet, yeah?

karl:He's just sat there, watching probably

ricky:No no no no no! There's no clu--

karl:Shhh!

karl:Waiting to have his done.

karl:Alright?

ricky:Yeah, no clue again.

karl:No no, just... That's alright.

ricky:Right, that's just a woman getting ready and he's fine. To me--

karl:Yeah, he's just sat there

ricky:To me, he's got a great pair of legs.

karl:Right, and he's sat there in the wheelchair, watchin'

ricky:No no! He's not in the wheelchair!

karl:Shh-shh! Listen, listen!

karl:Alright?

ricky:Yeah?

karl:Everybody looks at him, 'cause--

ricky:No, her!

karl:Shhh!

ricky:He's saying she turns heads!

karl:No no, shhh!

karl:Walking around with him. In a wheelchair.

ricky:Yeah, "Walking around with me", we're both walking around!

karl:"Are you alright?"

ricky:Yeah, a nice thing to say.

karl:He's alright, right?

ricky:Yeah, he's alright, 'cause he's got a great pair of legs!

karl:Shh!

karl:Right, he might not have any legs and that, but he's happy...

ricky:He has got legs! He has got legs. I don't know why you think he's in a wheelchair.

steve:There's no clue whatsoever! It seems to me based solely on Do you feel alright?

ricky:(chuckles) Yeah

steve:Which she's just saying because they're together at a party. Maybe there's not anyone else.

karl:No no

karl:LEG!

karl:Right? She's saying how--

karl:So he can't drive

ricky:Because he's drunk probably, he's had a great time. He's been dancing

karl:Puts him to bed!

ricky:Because he's drunk.

karl:Well... Is he though?

steve:He's turned out the light!

karl:His hands work.

karl:Is that it?

ricky:Yeah, there's no clue.

karl:But the thing is, that's what I'm picturing.

ricky:But that doesn't mean it happened! You picture people that are half-man, half-moth! It doesn't mean it's possible. Do you know what I mean, Karl? What you think is usually not true. Suzanne is totally right. There is no reason-- I have never, ever thought that Eric Clapton was singing about a little fella in a wheelchair. And the one clue in that-- There was two, isn't there? "Are you alright?" (mimics Karl) "Well if you say that, little cripple" and "Ehhh, I'll give her the car keys... Why is she's driving, he hasn't got any legs?"

karl:Pushing him around and that.

ricky & steve:No no no

ricky:There's no pushing around!

karl:Well... Say we will do one more next week then.

ricky:Okay.

steve:Jack Johnson on XFM. Karl

karl:Right?

steve:Yeah, you-- we were talking briefly earlier about something that you'd been reading.

karl:Well, it's just that you're always having to go at me saying you're never happy

steve:True

karl:You know, what cheers you up? What's the best thing that can happen for you? And stuff like that, right?

ricky:(laughs) Sorry, I have never said to you, "what's the best thing that can happen for you?"

karl:No no, but

ricky:I'm trying to encourage you

karl:Steve's alw-- Yeah, and you have a bit. I've started reading more and doing more science stuff, even though some of it does me head in, like I say, knowledge is almost annoying. Knowing about that mammoth--

ricky:Think about that being a quote! that .

ricky:'If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants', 'We will fight them on the beaches!', 'E=MC2', 'Knowledge is annoying'.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:That's an amazing one. Karl Pilkington 2005.

karl:No, but it can get you down, can't it? Knowing stuff that's going on.

ricky:Yeah, knowing stuff. Sometimes I don't want to have stuff in my head, when I read a horrible story or someone tells me I wish I didn't know it. Yeah.

karl:That's all I'm saying. But at the same time, there was something in the paper about things to do before you die. And it was just stuff that I sort of looked at, I thought, I don't want to do that. Cross that off. Not bothering with that. At number one, you always know what's at number one. It's the same thing every time.

ricky:Swimming with dolphins.

karl:Don't know why. Do you want to do that?

steve:What's going on down there that it's so good? What do we not know about?

ricky:I mean yeah, I'd be fun, I'd love to sort of encounter most animals, to be honest. I mean, there'd be a few animals on the top of the list. I'd rather hang out with a bunch of chimps.

steve:I wonder if you're down there with dolphins and you're swimming with them and they they sort of they click away. Click-click-click

ricky:And they tell you a secret.

steve:Then you go into-- Like they lead you to a cave, right? But down there, it's like being at, like, the Rolling Stones house in the 1970s.

ricky:They're smoking

steve:There's drinks, there's women, there's bars

ricky:They're eating tuna, they're loving tuna

steve:But they can speak, they're like "all this clicking stuff, it's nonsense. We're in a wild time, they're going to go berserk go crazy. It's 24 hours of nonstop debauchery.

ricky:I think it's spiritual

steve:But never mention it to anyone.

steve:It to anyone else.

ricky:It's incredible because you know, they're so intelligent and... you know. Do you know about dolphins, how intelligent they are?

karl:Well, people keep saying that, but what have they done? You know what I mean? Why-- What's something that they've done someone done... You know, I've never read a book by a dolphin or whatever. What what have they done, that makes them so bright? It's the same way they go, you know, they look after you, they'll save you and that. There's got to be one baddie in that bunch.

ricky:Of course they-- Sorry! I wasn't suggesting they're all Flipper. I'm not suggesting they're constantly going around the oceans trying to save people. I mean, they're intelligent, you know.

karl:In what way?

ricky:What do you mean, in what way? Because they pass tests--

karl:Why do people keep saying they're bright?

ricky:Because of the things they can achieve and learn.

karl:Like what?

ricky:Well, they can tell shapes, objects, colors.

karl:Hmmm..

ricky:Sorry, Karl! I mean, they're no match for you! They're not as clever as you. They're way dumber than us and that-- But it's all relative, isn't it? For a non human, they're doing okay. They're up there with chimps, you know.

steve:So what do you want to do before you die?

steve:Anything? Any achievements you want to have?

karl:Well, if I'm ill, I'd prefer to go to the doctors than to go with the dolphins.

ricky:Yeah

steve:Why are you suddenly ill? When they say things 'to do before you die', they don't literally mean the sort of the day before... you're croaking!

ricky:You want to experience life. You can do it over the next 20 years.

steve:Is that what you thought it meant? Like, literally the 24 hours before you die?

ricky:Is that what you meant? Like a priest there going... (speaks while breathing heavily) "Ah, give me the list!" "What is it granddad?" "Dolphins!" "You're in no fit state granddad" "Get me in the water! Get me down to Brighton!" What do you think that list means?!

karl:Well...Yeah, that, you know before you die

ricky:You're incredible, Karl!

steve:Amazing!

ricky:All this time

steve:Things to do before you die

ricky:That's why he doesn't want to do any of them!

steve:Didn't you think it was a bit extraordinary, that you had to swim with dolphins and visit Disneyland and climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, all in the same afternoon?

karl:That's why I said to you! I would be in no mood for a dip.

ricky:That's incredible!

ricky:Always a new twist on things! Always a new twist on things.

karl:But you say about traveling and that... you like traveling and stuff. But what-- Why?

steve:Because I've seen and experienced extraordinary things. You know, I went to Kenya once, I met a man who was a vigilante, he was cleaning up his neighborhood because the police were too corrupt to do it. Carried a sword. And he was extraordinary. He'd been attacked but he didn't care, he fought them off. He was trying in this little slum area to try and instill some law and order. He had to arrest his brother in law once. It was a fascinating story, and he was an extraordinary man!

ricky:I went to Manchester and I saw two lads with big heads and web feet looking at a house, there was a horse in the living room! I mean...

steve:That's living.

karl:Leave it, leave it then. Listen, I didn't realize it's like seven minutes to.

ricky:Well, come on then!

karl:Well, let's do Rockbusters, alright?

ricky:Yeah, do Rockbusters, and you got Monkey News!

karl:We'll see if we got time.

ricky:No, we got to do Monkey News!

karl:Listen, listen though! Justin, if he's out--

ricky:Oh just quick-- Do the Rockbusters answers then!

karl:Listen, right. Have you got a winner?

steve:No, I don't even know the answers, do I?!

karl:Well, we'll pick one then. Alright. The first one:

ricky:Ah, it's chaos...

karl:The first one was: When I'm ill, I throw up horse food. That's the clue, the initials were I-H.

ricky:I got this one. I must say

karl:That was "I sick hays". Because when you're ill, you're sick. What do horses eat? They eat hay. "I sick hays" is the answer. You got that. Second one: That garden tool-- That garden tool you've got, it's not yours, what you're doing with it? Right? N-D

ricky:That was different.

karl:That was a-- What's a garden tool? A rake. If it's not yours, what you've done? You've nicked it. You've nicked-- Nicked rake. You've nicked that rake. Nicked rake. Nick Drake. So that's N-D. So you go that...

ricky:I don't know where to sta--

steve:That's fine! That's fine, Rick!

karl:The third one: That male sheep sounds well fed up.

ricky:Go on

karl:What's up with it? That was T-R. That was... that was... That ram-- Ram-- Ram is a male sheep. It's fed up. It's moaning. Ram moans. Ramones. The Ramones. So they got that as well.

steve:Let's give it to Jenny Mckeen from Isle of Wight, because she's got all three of those answers, and--

ricky:Right straight onto Monkey News.

steve:No, let's play a record, play a record--

ricky:No! We've got to do Monkey News! It's only five minutes to go!

steve:We've got time for a record then some Monkey News, surely.

karl:Yeah

ricky:Ahh...

karl:A bit of XTC

steve:'Making Plans For Nigel' - XTC. Okay, let's play the jingle!

ricky:Oh, Chimpanzee that, Monkey News!

karl:Right. This happened in Pittsburgh.

ricky:Alright

karl:There's a rock band. And they've got this studio in Pittsburgh and what have you. And the lane down tracks and stuff like that. And in the studio that they use, there's this-- This monkey works there.

ricky:I love the fact that he throws that in. Like-- He throws that in, this monkey works there.

karl:No, it's just got a little gig there, he sort of carries the equipment in, guitars, all that

ricky:No he doesn't!

karl:He does.

ricky:No, he doesn't!

karl:He sort of cleans up after the bands, all that

ricky:No, he doesn't!

karl:Emptying the ashtrays.

ricky:Doesn't happen!

karl:That sort of stuff. That's the gig it's got. Anyway, right?

steve:Gets women out of the crowd that they want to... go berserk with

ricky:With one arm!

karl:So anyway, right? So the band's in the studio. And one of the band members brings some A&R fella to the studio to have a listen to the latest track.

ricky:Yeah

karl:So they hit play and they're all there going "Hmmm yeah, brilliant. This is good."

steve:(laughs slightly) Oh no!

karl:Anyway, so the fella says "Yeah, I like the track, especially, like, the bass on it", right?

ricky:Right, this is bullshit!

karl:So...

ricky:This is rubbish!

steve:And they laid down a bass with him?

karl:So, so--

karl:Have you heard it?

ricky:Ahh Karl! Please don't do this to me!

karl:So the A&R fella goes, and it's like-- The band members have stood about and they go "Oh that's good, that he liked it" And they're saying "Yeah, but what's going on about with the bass?"

ricky:NO!

ricky:This is rubbish! This is absolute rubbish. Where'd you get this from?

steve:Let's just hear it, please?

steve:Because we never get to the end. Let's hear it.

ricky:This is absolute nonsense!

karl:So they played it back...

ricky:Yeah, and it's the chimp playing bass. Definitely not!

karl:So they were like "That's weird. We haven't got a bassist" Anyway. So they go "Whatever", rights?

ricky:"We haven't got a bassist!"

steve:They go "Whatever, let's go home!"

karl:Ahh, forget it!